EPISODE 33 - ALVINA
PHILIP
Happy new year and welcome to a new episode of The Amelia Project! We’re back today on the first Monday of 2021 to release the last of our prerecorded episodes. But the good news is that thanks to an increase in Patreon support, we can now confirm that we will be going back into production. In fact, we’ve already started going back into production, and we will launch the next part of the season on the 12th of April 2021, with new episodes coming out right up until August. Thank you to everyone who has been become a patron over the last month! As we’ve said our resolution this year is to slowly start turning this from a hobby into a job, and you’re all really helping us with that. As a special thank you we will be releasing a full length bonus episode for five dollar patrons in March, more info about that at the end.
We absolutely love it when we receive emails and messages from you, and our listener and patron Lee recently wrote in and said something rather lovely, he said “After a rubbish day at work, to melt into an episode is bliss”. So we invite you to close your eyes and melt into today’s episode. Unless you’re driving a car, in that case please don’t close your eyes. But you can still melt into today’s episode, like a marshmellow bobbing atop and slowly melting into a cup of cocoa.
We last left Amelia and Alvina at the beginning of the last episode in a mysterious location where there was a sudden explosion…
PROLOGUE
AIR RAID SIRENS BLARING IN THE DISTANCE. EVERY SO OFTEN, AN EXPLOSION. THERE’S GUNFIRE AND ROCKETS BEING LAUNCHED FROM THE GROUND.
ALL THIS IS OUTSIDE.
WE’RE IN A BASEMENT UNDERGROUND. THE SOUNDS FROM THE BATTLE OUTSIDE ARE MUFFLED, BUT STILL VERY PRESENT AND FRIGHTENING.
ALVINA
I can’t see anything.
AMELIA
Me neither.
ALVINA
If we just wait a bit, maybe our eyes will adjust to the dark?
AMELIA
Or we could look for a source of light?
ALVINA
Mh-mm.
ALVINA SCRAMBLES ABOUT, TOUCHING THE WALLS.
ALVINA
I think I’m moving towards the door… Yes!
THE CLICK OF A LIGHT SWITCH.
ON, OFF, ON, OFF.
NOTHING.
ALVINA
Ah, damn. Wait - what’s this…
A BOX OF MATCHES IS SHAKEN, OPENED AND THEN A MATCH IS STRUCK.
ALVINA
Won’t last long, but…
AMELIA
There’s a candle there! On the shelf!
ALVINA LIGHTS THE CANDLE AND BLOWS OUT THE MATCH.
AMELIA
That’s better.
ALVINA
This room is almost scarier in candlelight than it was in the dark. The flickering shadows, the dark corners…
AMELIA
It’s bigger than I expected.
ALVINA
What is all this stuff?
AMELIA
Pickle jars… Canned food… Wine bottles… Crates of ammunition…
ALVINA
Did you just say wine bottles?
AMELIA
Why? Do you reckon this is a good time for a party?
ALVINA
I do, actually! We might as well enjoy ourselves whilst we’re waiting for this to die down.
AMELIA
Well, I wouldn’t mind a drink…
AN EXPLOSION SO CLOSE THE WALLS ARE SHAKING.
ALVINA
Ah!
AMELIA
(with sadness:)
Oh, damn…!
ALVINA
What is it?
AMELIA
Ah… I just caught myself clutching at my neck. But it isn’t there, is it?
ALVINA
No. It isn’t there.
AMELIA
Oh, damn it, let’s do it! Let’s open a bottle. Calm the nerves. Let’s try this one…
AMELIA GETS OUT A BOTTLE.
ALVINA
Do you… Do you think it will die down?
AMELIA
Eh, it’s not going to go on forever. Now, let’s see if I can find something to open this with…
AMELIA SCRAMBLES AROUND. FINDS A SCREWDRIVER.
AMELIA
Ah, a screwdriver. That should do.
ALVINA
I mean, I appreciate that they shoved us down here rather than - I don’t know - give us machine guns and send us into the jungle. Still, it is a pantry, not actually an air raid shelter…
AMELIA
(pulling at the cork)
Uh… Mhh… If we don’t make it out of here, at least we’ll end it in style. This is a 2005 vintage Vino Tinto!
THE CORK POPS OUT.
ALVINA Vino Tinto just means “red wine”, doesn’t it?
AMELIA
The label is handwritten.
ALVINA
Interesting.
AMELIA BLOWS DUST OFF TWO GLASSES AND WIPES THEM WITH HER BLOUSE.
AMELIA
One glass for you…
ALVINA
This will either be the worst wine we’ve ever tasted…
AMELIA POURS RED WINE.
AMELIA
…and one for me.
ALVINA
…or the best vinegar we’ve ever had.
AMELIA
¡Arriba, Abajo, Al Centro, Pa'dentr -
ANOTHER EXPLOSION OUTSIDE.
ALVINA
Phu… Salud!
AMELIA Salud.
THEY DRINK.
ALVINA Oh my God, this is actually amazing!
AMELIA
I told you. We’re gonna go out in style.
ALVINA
I thought it was going to be rank! But this might be the best red wine I’ve ever had. Maybe even the best wine I’ve ever had.
AMELIA
Better than your very first glass of Veuve Cliquot?
ALVINA
Hah! You mean when we first met?
AMELIA
Yes!
ALVINA
You know it doesn’t compare, Amelia! That day was… odd.
Theme Tune. Intro credits.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, season 3. Alvina.
THE INTERVIEW
WAVES CRASHING NEARBY. STRONG WINDS OUTSIDE. A KETTLE IS BOILING.
ALVINA IS WHISTLING NERVOUSLY. HER WHISTLING BLENDS WITH THE WHISTLE OF THE KETTLE.
SHE POURS HERSELF A CUP OF TEA.
A PROPELLER AIR PLANE CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. IT’S COMING VERY CLOSE…
ALVINA
What the…?
It can’t be… It can’t be them, they can’t be arriving by plane?! There’s no landing strip! It will go right over the edge! No, no, no… Oh my god it is landing here!
A DOOR BLOWS OPEN AS THE AIRPLANE LANDS RIGHT OUTSIDE!
ALVINA
Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez!
THE PLANE ENGINE STOPS.
ALVINA
That was close…
THE PLANE DOOR OPENS AND SOMEONE JUMPS OUT.
THE PLANE DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
FOOTSTEPS ON WET GRASS.
AMELIA ENTERS THE COTTAGE.
AMELIA
Huh! John and Jesus in a sack race! What are you doing living in a place like this?
SHE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND HER.
RAIN AND THUNDER CAN STILL BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALVINA
Are you…?
AMELIA
Amelia. From The Amelia Project. You’re Julia Thorpe? You called us?
ALVINA
Yes I did. Do you always arrive by propeller airplane?
AMELIA
Ah… We don’t normally do house calls.
ALVINA
Well, my circumstances are… rather particular.
AMELIA
Normally I wouldn’t be the one doing the interview, but my colleague is off to BogoGobo for a disappearance.
AMELIA LOOKS AROUND.
AMELIA
Huh. Cute cottage. Spectacular nature. But that landing strip? Very short.
ALVINA
It’s not actually a landing strip -
AMELIA
At first I thought I had a fleck of dirt on my windshield, but then I realised that was actually your island. I only just managed to stop before going over the edge! And that is where your cottage is… Perched right on the edge of a cliff.
ALVINA
It used to be further in. Erosion has washed off much of the cliff face.
AMELIA
Gotta be careful. One day, the whole house will come tumbling down.
ALVINA
I’ve moved all heavy items over to the north side of the house.
AMELIA
Probably for the best… Huh… Can’t believe I managed to brake in time! Originally I reckoned I’d be landing at St. Mary, they actually have an airport. Well, to be fair, when you gave your address, I thought “Oh, Cornwall, I can take the Beetle down!” But then it turns out you’re not actually in Cornwall…
ALVINA
I did say I live on the Isles of Scilly…
AMELIA
They are rather silly, aren’t they? Tiny.
ALVINA
Well, yes -
AMELIA
Before I left I looked at a map to see where I’d have to go once I’d landed at St. Mary. And then I realise, you’re not even on St. Mary. No, you’re on an island off of St. Mary called Tresco. Only you’re not on Tresco, you’re on an island off of Tresco called Bryher. Only you’re not on Bryher, you’re on a tiny little rock off of Bryher called Samson. Only inhabitants: You and some seagulls. And I think the seagulls escaped when I landed.
ALVINA Your plane is rather… loud.
AMELIA
Electra III? Ah, she’s a beaut.
ALVINA
Normally people arrive by boat.
AMELIA
People arrive here often enough to call anything “normal”?
ALVINA
It is a quiet place. Normally.
AMELIA
Sorry, I always get a bit worked up when I’ve flown in a storm. You don’t happen to have a cup of cocoa do you?
ALVINA
Cocoa?
AMELIA
Nothing calms the nerves like a nice cup of cocoa. But tea is also fine. Peppermint, if you have it.
ALVINA
Ooh, I’ll make you a cream tea! I have homemade scones.
AMELIA
Oh, that’s not necessary -
ALVINA
It won’t be a minute. Anyway, the kettle’s just boiled.
ALVINA MAKES CREAM TEA.
AMELIA
So. You want to die?
ALVINA
No.
AMELIA
No?
ALVINA
No.
AMELIA
But on the answerphone you said it was urgent?
ALVINA
It is.
AMELIA
What is?
ALVINA
Faking his death. Here’s your tea -
ALVINA HANDS AMELIA THE TEA.
AMELIA
His death?
ALVINA
Yes.
AMELIA
You… You want me to fake someone else’s death?
ALVINA
Yes.
AMELIA
Well does this person consent?
ALVINA
(hesitates)
AMELIA
Well?
ALVINA
No…
AMELIA
Eh… I… I won’t have that tea then. We don’t do involuntary deaths, the client has to consent. Oh, I should have called and explained. Tsk. I… I guess I’ll just have to head off again… Argh, that’s annoying - flying all the way out here for a dud…
ALVINA
No, no, no, no, no, it’s not a dud.
AMELIA
It’s not?
ALVINA
No, you don’t have to worry about his consent.
AMELIA
Oh, sorry! I got the wrong end of the stick! You are his… secretary?
ALVINA Personal Assistant. Sort of…
AMELIA
I’ll have that tea after all.
AMELIA ACCEPTS THE TEA AND TAKES A SIP.
AMELIA
So, where is the client?
ALVINA
Over in that room.
AMELIA
I’d like to speak to him personally.
ALVINA
Ehm… I’m afraid you can’t talk to him.
AMELIA Why not? Is he asleep?
ALVINA
Not exactly.
AMELIA
Can’t he talk? Uh… Are you interpreting?
ALVINA
No, definitely not.
AMELIA
Well, I’m at a loss then… Who is the client?
ALVINA
Ronald Bryson.
AMELIA
Ronald Bryson? The Ronald Bryson? Ronald Bryson Ronald Bryson?
ALVINA
Ronald Bryson of Bryson Industries, yes.
AMELIA
He’s number nineteen on the top twenty list of the richest people in Britain! We keep an eye on that list for potential clients. I’m very excited to meet him!
ALVINA
Well, that’s the thing. I’m afraid you won’t be. Meeting him.
AMELIA
But he’s just next door?
ALVINA
Yes, but - he’s dead.
AMELIA
Sorry?
ALVINA
He’s dead.
AMELIA
Already?
ALVINA
Excuse me?
AMELIA
I thought you wanted me to kill him?
ALVINA
No, I mean he’s really dead.
AMELIA
Really?
ALVINA
Really.
AMELIA
How did he die?
ALVINA Natural causes. Heart attack.
AMELIA
(Exhales disappointed)
ALVINA
I think.
AMELIA
So you’re saying there’s no need for our services after all?
ALVINA
Oh, no, there definitely is. I absolutely need you to fake his death.
AMELIA
You want us to fake the death of a man who is already dead?
ALVINA
Yes. He’s starting to smell.
AMELIA
When did he die?
ALVINA
Three weeks ago. I used quicklime to preserve him, but I might have done it wrong, because now this fungus has appeared and…
AMELIA
Okay, okay, okay, let’s, let’s backtrack. I think you’re gonna have to tell me your story.
ALVINA
Sure. Have a seat.
- AD BREAK -
AMELIA SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA.
AMELIA
Oh, I’ll have one of those scones to go with your story. My colleague’s got me hooked on sweet stuff. It’s not good for my cardio.
ALVINA HANDS AMELIA A SCONE.
SHE TAKES A BIG BITE.
AMELIA
Mm!
ALVINA Mm?
AMELIA M-m-m!
ALVINA
Huh.
AMELIA
Mhm!
ALVINA
It’s my own recipe.
AMELIA
(Chewing)
It’s delicious! Now, go ahead. I’m all ears.
ALVINA
I was on this dating app. I´d been on it for a while without meeting anyone interesting, but then just over three weeks ago Ronald popped up. He wasn’t like the rest of them. He seemed refined. So we decided he would take his yacht and come and visit me.
AMELIA
A yacht, eh?
ALVINA
The first clue as to how rich he is. Was.
AMELIA
You couldn’t tell from the name?
ALVINA I thought it was a fake name!
AMELIA
Why?
ALVINA
If someone put “Bill Gates” on their dating profile, you wouldn’t think it was actually Bill Gates, would you?
AMELIA
Not with Bill Gates, I wouldn’t. If it was Larry King I might.
ALVINA Well, I never thought a millionaire would use his real name on a dating app. Imagine my surprise when he got off the boat and it’s actually him! He didn’t understand why I was so gobsmacked. He kept on going “But I always said who I was”…!
AMELIA
Island girl like you. Rich man like that. Sounds like quite the romantic story.
ALVINA
It was, I guess. Until I got to know him.
AMELIA He wasn’t as nice in real life as he was online?
ALVINA
Oh no, he was perfectly nice. Really, really nice. Nice manners, nice clothes, he gave me nice compliments. He even promised he was going to get my roof re-thatched, which was especially nice of him. He had bought me some very nice flowers… He was a very, very nice man.
AMELIA
But…?
ALVINA
He was so boring! He had no personality! Strike that - he had one single character trait and that was being a pedant. He kept answering texts from his staff, micro managing everything. Not just which investments to make, no…! Are we going to hire this or that intern? What should the company Christmas card say? Which charity do we choose for the annual fundraiser: The Rare Rock Appreciation Society or the Foundation For The Preservation of Rocks?
AMELIA
Did you just say… rocks?
ALVINA
Oh, sorry, I should have mentioned. He was obsessed with rocks. Grey rocks.
AMELIA I think he sounds quite fascinating.
ALVINA
Believe me, he’s actually more interesting now than he ever was alive. At least now there’s an interesting fungus growing on him. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the evening! He made me look at photos on his laptop. Picture after picture after picture of rocks, all of them slightly out of focus. I told him they were lovely. He smiled. God, what a boring smile! But I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to leave, when he’d come all the way out here.
AMELIA
You do live behind the back of beyond.
ALVINA
Then just as I was trying to get a little break from the boredom, preparing some scones with cream and jam, I suddenly hear him plunging over on the floor!
AMELIA
What did you do?
ALVINA
I tried CPR, but…
AMELIA
He was gone.
ALVINA
The right thing to do would be to report that there’s been a death, right? So I get my mobile out, and I am about to call Brian -
AMELIA
Who’s Brian?
ALVINA
Oh, sorry, he’s the baker over on Tresco.
AMELIA Why on earth would you call the baker?
ALVINA He’s also the local doctor.
AMELIA
Of course he is.
ALVINA
“No bread? Someone’s dead!” Local saying… Anyway, just as I’m about to make the call… Splash!
AMELIA Splash?
ALVINA
A drop of water. From my leaky roof. Lands right on my phone. And I think: That’s a sign, isn’t it? I really need to get that roof re-thatched, but I can’t afford it, and Ronald has just promised me -
AMELIA
- that he would pay for it.
ALVINA
So it’s not really stealing if it’s something he was going to do anyway, is it? Is it? And whether he’s reported dead now or the next morning, makes no difference, does it? Does it…?
AMELIA
Go on…
ALVINA
So I… I put the order through. For a new roof. Then I place Ronald in my bed - it felt more respectful than leaving him on the floor - and I go to sleep on the sofa. A few minutes later, I’m woken up. An important message. Coming through on his phone. You see, Bryson Industries hosts an annual fundraiser. It’s a big deal. But Ronald had been putting off choosing which charity they’re going to support this year.
AMELIA
The rock-something or the something-rocks…?
ALVINA
Exactly! Now his staff needs a decision right away, or the whole thing will be cancelled. So… I decide to… respond.
AMELIA
You knew the password to his phone?
ALVINA I used his fingerprint.
AMELIA
Ah. Which charity did you choose?
ALVINA
The Dog’s Trust.
AMELIA Neither of the rock ones?
ALVINA
No. I like dogs.
AMELIA
Impersonation. Identity theft. That’s a felony, you know?
ALVINA
Hardly! I just chose a worthy charity. There is such a thing as a white lie.
AMELIA
And a grey one… I have a feeling this isn’t the end of the story, is it?
ALVINA
It hardly took a minute before the next text message came through: Should they book Barnaby Hall for the fundraiser? It’s about to be fully booked, they need an answer now. I say yes. Put the phone down. Try to gather myself. I just need a moment to -
It beeps again. What colour table cloths for the charity dinner? Dark grey or light grey?
AMELIA
Dark grey, clearly.
ALVINA
I go for dark grey, obviously. Stone plates, gold cutlery. It has to be classy, we want people to donate, not just eat and leave. Then I turn the phone on silent. I have a dead man in my bed, I just want some rest before the morning, I have to get my story straight. But out of the corner of my eye… Message after message after message. They keep ticking in. Buffet or plated food? Plated, of course. Who to invite? Royalty, business owners. Should some of the dogs be present? I’d observed Ronald all night. He would always respond immediately! So if I didn’t…
AMELIA
What I don’t get is, he could have died at any point that evening? Which means at any time you could have just stopped…?
ALVINA
But the dogs…!
AMELIA
What about them?
ALVINA
Do you know how many abandoned dogs there are in the UK? Do you know how many dogs are put on the street every day? How many homeless dogs die every winter?
AMELIA
I don’t.
ALVINA
They deserve better. This fundraiser means a huge deal to them. But without Ronald to oversee it all, his staff won’t know what to do! So I… take it upon myself to make sure it’s all done the right way.
AMELIA
Just for that night?
ALVINA
And the next morning. When I woke up they had been texting me about the fundraiser keynote speaker! Now, Jessica - she’s the vice president of Bryson Industries - she seems to think that it’s appropriate to invite Jeremy Clarkson to speak! Absolutely not! Then Moayed from accounting texts suggesting Ryan Reynolds, which is frankly ridiculous. If anyone is going to speak on behalf of abandoned dogs in Britain, it obviously has to be Emma Thompson! But Ronald has to contact the keynote speaker personally, which means…
AMELIA …you have to do that.
ALVINA
It took me three days to get a reply from Thompson's agent. She politely declined. So then who were we going to chose? Kylie Jenner?! Or maybe The Beckhams?! In the end I go for Carol Vorderman and -
AMELIA
How long did it take you to get the keynote speaker sorted?
ALVINA
Eight and a half days. Iggy Pop is very happy to do it.
AMELIA
So you…
ALVINA
Had to postpone reporting Ronald’s death.
AMELIA
In that time, Ronald must have been getting a lot of other messages?
ALVINA His sister texted. Was Ronald planning to attend his niece’s birthday this year? He’d only missed the previous six. It really was about time he gave that poor girl some attention. I looked the niece up on Facebook. Apparently she likes unicorns and cupcakes. So I ordered a stupidly expensive three foot wide unicorn birthday card and seven hundred cupcakes to be delivered to her school.
AMELIA
Seven hundred?
ALVINA
Big school. Lot’s of pupils. Didn’t know who her friends were so I just got one each.
AMELIA
Wow.
ALVINA
Worked a treat! His sister was super happy. She thought it was cute that the cupcakes were all decorated like different types of rocks. She said “That’s so you, Ronnie”.
AMELIA
Clever touch.
ALVINA
All this time I’m thinking: It’s gonna be over in a minute. As soon as this fundraiser is sorted, I’ll call doctor Brian, report Ronald’s death… By this point I had my story ready! I mean, we met online, so that’s basically public already. Then, I’d say we fell in love the moment we set eyes on each other. Spent a romantic week on my island, Ron being so enamoured he didn’t want to leave… and then suddenly and unexpectedly, he passed. Which is basically what happened, I just needed to amend the timeline a little. I had it all planned. How I’d cry when doctor Brian got here, how I’d be all silent and tough at the funeral… But before all that, I just had to make sure that Barnaby Hall didn’t pull out. They were afraid the homeless dogs would shit on their Axminster Carpets!
AMELIA
Let me guess. Every day, you kept getting more emails, more texts, more decisions that needed to be made…
ALVINA
I put a lot of them off at first. But in the world of finance, you have to be on the ball! On the first day I lost three and a half a million pounds because I sat on the fence about selling some Saudi Arabian stocks. Jessica was furious.
AMELIA
Sure, but then eight days later, when you’ve got the fundraiser all locked down, why didn’t you stop?
ALVINA
Barnaby Hall only finally agreed to the dogs this Tuesday. We have to cover the floors in plastic.
AMELIA
I see. And Tuesday would be… what, seventeen days after his death?
ALVINA
Eighteen. By this point, I’m basically running his life. His business decisions, his investments… I can’t just respond to some things, I have to respond to everything. Every single, little thing. To be fair, I’m probably the best Personal Assistant he ever had.
AMELIA
Only he’s dead.
ALVINA
Yeah, that’s a downside. There was just so much to do, and then suddenly… it was too late! If I’d called at this point to say that he’s dead -
AMELIA
…and doctor Brian had come here to find a corpse which had been decomposing for three weeks…
ALVINA
That wouldn’t be good! Who’s to say I didn’t kill the poor man?
AMELIA
You have no motive though?
ALVINA
Huh…
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
In the last weeks I’ve pulled Bryson industries out of fossil fuels and invested in green energy. I’ve restructured the company’s pay scheme to ensure equal wages worldwide and I made all our clothes brands Fair Trade. That easily looks like… motive.
AMELIA
“Our” clothes brands?
ALVINA
See! I’m in too deep!
AMELIA
You’ve been running quite a scheme here, haven’t you?
ALVINA
I guess so.
AMELIA
Why end it now?
ALVINA
Running his life is taking up all of my life. And it’s getting suspicious. I’m turning down business meetings, gala dinners, birthday invitations from his mother. Soon, someone will come looking for him.
AMELIA
So we have to fake his death, to hide the fact that he’s already dead. Well, that’s a new one!
ALVINA
Can you do it?
AMELIA
Of course.
ALVINA
Ah, that’s great! Where do we start?
AMELIA
Well. First of all we’ll have to make his corpse disappear… Now in this storm I’d rather not make any unnecessary trips, so I suggest we come up with a death that doesn’t require me flying to London and back for a replacement corpse. He’s still in your bed?
ALVINA
Yes.
AMELIA
Why haven’t you buried him?
ALVINA
You can’t bury anything here. Samson’s a rock. And rowing across to Bryher with a corpse shaped sack isn’t a very good look.
AMELIA
Why not burn him?
ALVINA
Fingerprints and DNA.
AMELIA
They would go away if you burned him?
ALVINA
No, no, I mean - I’ve been sending letters on his behalf. I’ve been putting eyelashes in the envelopes.
AMELIA
You’ve been thorough.
ALVINA
I like doing things properly.
AMELIA
I assume you’re using Mr. Bryson’s money to pay us?
ALVINA
No, that would be stealing.
AMELIA So how are you paying?
ALVINA
I have some savings.
AMELIA
How much?
ALVINA A bit.
AMELIA
Our services start at 80 grand.
ALVINA
Oh. I don’t have that much. Any chance of a discount?
AMELIA
Listen, this interview alone, with it being an outcall and all… I mean, are you sure you don’t wanna use Mr. Bryson’s money? Compared to what Bryson Industries is worth, our fee is a drop in the ocean.
ALVINA
It feels wrong.
AMELIA
You’ve been impersonating this man for nearly a month.
ALVINA
I have to draw the line somewhere.
AMELIA
I see. You’re the stubborn kind.
ALVINA
I’m so sorry. I’ve wasted your time. I’ll pay what I can towards your coming here. I just didn’t realise quite how expensive it would be. I guess I’ll just have to… figure this out myself.
AMELIA
And I guess I’ll just have to make my way home…
AMELIA GETS UP FROM THE SOFA AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
AMELIA
Thanks for the tea.
AMELIA OPENS THE DOOR. THE WIND HOWLS OUTSIDE.
AMELIA
And the scone.
AMELIA CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN.
AMELIA
Actually…
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
You’ve been running every aspect of this man’s life for nearly a month. But you haven’t even been close to getting caught?
ALVINA No. I don’t think so.
AMELIA
Do Sisyphean amounts of paperwork frighten you?
ALVINA
I like order.
AMELIA
Are you squeamish?
ALVINA
Hah! You can ask Ronald that.
AMELIA
(Chuckles)
And you have a morbid sense of humour… How would you like a job?
ALVINA
Sorry?
AMELIA
With us.
ALVINA
With The Amelia Project?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
Doing what?
AMELIA
Office assistant. I’ll help you fake Ronald’s death in exchange for your life long services.
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
You’ve dotted every I, crossed every T. The skill and imagination with which you’ve committed Life Fraud will transfer easily to what we do…
ALVINA
Death Fraud.
AMELIA
And we could really do with another pair of hands. You’ve just proved you are a fantastic PA. Albeit to a dead man. But still. My colleague, he’s… ugh, not one for paperwork. Don’t get me wrong, he’s one of a kind. No one above or beyond. But he needs someone at his side with a firm hand.
ALVINA And that’s not you?
AMELIA
Not anymore. I’d like to focus more on the bigger picture.
ALVINA
What does that mean?
AMELIA
Let’s just say there are some people out there that we need to… keep happy. To ensure the safe running of the operation. So then I need someone on the ground for the day to day stuff.
ALVINA
I’d have to move to London?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
Would I get paid?
AMELIA
Of course.
ALVINA
Do I get any days off?
AMELIA
I can’t promise that.
ALVINA
But I get to help you… fake deaths?
AMELIA
Yes. Me and my two partners. Our interviewer and our surgeon. And we have a fair few subcontractors.
ALVINA You know what… I‘m in!
AMELIA
You’re in?
ALVINA
I sure am!
AMELIA
You don’t want to know more about us first -
ALVINA
No! I’m in. This is the most exciting thing to happen to me in decades. I think that’s why I went on that dating site, actually. Not to meet someone, just to… experience something. This island is dreadful! Nothing ever happens here.
AMELIA
You do realise we’ll have to fake your death as well? All our employees need to be off the grid.
ALVINA
Well… I don’t care! Who’s gonna miss me? The seagulls?!
ALVINA OPENS THE DOOR AND SHOUTS INTO THE WIND.
ALVINA
Bye, seagulls! I’m off, tossers!
ALVINA CLOSES THE DOOR.
ALVINA
They shit on my porch. Can my new name be Alvina?
AMELIA
Sure, why?
ALVINA
The Lost Girl by D.H. Lawrence. It’s my favourite novel.
AMELIA
Ah. In that case, your new name will be Alvina Wright. Because you’re making the right decision!
ALVINA
Alvina Wright… Oh. Can Alvina still like scones? I’ll give up anything, just not scones.
AMELIA
You can craft your new personality any way you like. Listen, I’ve had an idea for your disappearance. Let’s bump you and Ronald off in one fell swoop!
ALVINA
Ooh! How?
AMELIA
Do you have any of that quicklime left?
ALVINA
Plenty. Why?
AMELIA
We’re gonna use the exothermic properties of quicklime to break the rock face.
ALVINA
Break the - ?
AMELIA
We’re gonna make this house fall into the sea.
ALVINA
Oh. I grew up here.
AMELIA
It will be grand! In a minute, you will call Brian -
ALVINA Doctor Brian?
AMELIA
Baker Brian. Ordering a cake for you and Ronald’s engagement party. It’s Valentine’s Day today, isn’t it? And Ronald just proposed. Then suddenly there’s a terrifying noise in the background. The cliff is breaking! The last thing Brian hears before the line is cut off is you screaming “Ronald! Ronald!”, as the house tumbles down… and is swallowed by the waves.
ALVINA
Wow. That’s poetic. And spectacular.
AMELIA
We’ll watch the house fall as we fly off.
ALVINA
It also sounds surprisingly… simple?
AMELIA
The best disappearances often are.
ALVINA
Killed by a rock breaking off… It feels perfect for Ronald. Seeing how much he loved rocks.
AMELIA
Are you ready?
ALVINA
I think so.
AMELIA
Good. Let’s begin.
ALVINA
Wait a minute - did you say we were going to fly to London?
AMELIA
How else will we get there?
ALVINA
I don’t really fly.
AMELIA
You can take it easy. I’m a very good pilot.
ALVINA
(whimpers)
AMELIA
Relax. I learned from the best.
ALVINA
I’m still going to need something for my nerves…
AMELIA
I have the perfect solution! It’s something we have to do anyway - it’s sort of a ritual.
AMELIA GETS OUT A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE FROM HER HANDBAG.
ALVINA
Champagne?
AMELIA
Veuve Clicquot. You ever had it before?
ALVINA
No…
AMELIA
It’s good stuff. We don’t skimp at Amelia.
ALVINA
Veuve Clicquot…! You know, I think I have made the right decision!
AMELIA
Do you have any glasses?
ALVINA
Uhm… Here.
ALVINA GETS OUT TWO GLASSES.
AMELIA
What should we toast to?
ALVINA
Death?
AMELIA
That’s morbid.
ALVINA
That’s what my new life is going to be all about, isn’t it?
AMELIA
It sure is. To death then!
ALVINA
To death!
AMELIA POPS THE BOTTLE.
AN EXPLOSION.
MORE SOUNDS OF MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS.
WE’RE BACK IN PRESENT TIME, IN THE BUNKER.
AMELIA POURS WINE.
AMELIA
Do you remember what we toasted to?
ALVINA
“To death!” And what a wonderful life of deaths we’ve had since…
AMELIA
We sure have… This red wine is amazing.
ALVINA
The Panaraguans certainly know what they’re doing.
AMELIA SNIGGERS.
AMELIA
You kept your dead date in your bedroom for three weeks!
AMELIA LAUGHS. ALVINA JOINS IN. THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.
PABLO
Now that…
ALVINA
Ah!
PABLO
…was very interesting…
AMELIA
Shit! You made me drop the candle!
ALVINA
Who are you?
AMELIA
Where are you?
ALVINA
I can’t see a bloody thing.
PABLO Hello. I am Pablo Perez Garcia. I’m leader of the Panaraguan Pythons. We are freedom fighters. Welcome to our headquarters. Now, you are going to help me.
THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. This episode was written and edited by Øystein Brager with story editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The episode featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morizawa as Amelia and Federico Trujillo as Pablo Perez Garcia. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you to all our patrons, whether you pledge two dollars or two hundred dollars, your support makes us so happy. And a special shout out to our super patrons Jem Fidyk, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Jayme Piche and Travis Kirton.
The next part of the season launches on the 12th of April with the episode “Pablo Perez Garcia”. If you make a five dollar pledge on Patreon you will get an additional full length bonus episode before that, and of course you can also check out all the bonus content that we’ve posted in the past. You’ll also be helping us to spend more time making the show. Our aim is to keep making this show bigger and better, and eventually do it full time. If you’d like to support us, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on “Support the show”. And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
IN AMELIA’S AIRPLANE. THE STORM IS SHAKING THE LITTLE PLANE HARD.
ALVINA Nghhhhhhhhhhh…!
A HUGE RUMBLING AND SPLASHING SOUND CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS ALVINA’S HOUSE SLOWLY TUMBLES INTO THE SEA.
AMELIA
Hey! Open your eyes.
ALVINA I don’t want to.
AMELIA
But you should see it! It’s falling!
ALVINA
FALLING?! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WE’RE GOING TO DIE! OH GOD!
AMELIA Not the plane, your house. Open your eyes.
ALVINA I’ll take your word for it.
AMELIA Relax. The plane is fine.
ALVINA It’s shaking rather a lot though?!
AMELIA You’ve got nothing to worry about. I learned to fly from the best pilot there ever was.
ALVINA Who’s that?
AMELIA
My grandmother. I’m named after her you know.
ALVINA
Wait a minute - really!?!
AMELIA
There we go! Your eyes are open!
ALVINA
Was your grandmother -
AMELIA Yes she was.
ALVINA Ah! Does that mean she didn’t die? Ah! Does that mean The Amelia Project helped her disappear? Ahh! Is the organisation named after her?
AMELIA
Uhm… In order: That’s right, she didn’t die until years later. And yes, we did help her disappear - sort of… Uh, it’s a long story. And yes, we are named after her.
ALVINA
Wow! Ehm - what is that?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
That. On your windscreen.
AMELIA
Oh, that. That’s Samson. Your former home.
ALVINA
Wow. It really does look like a fleck of dirt.
THEY FLY OFF INTO THE STORM.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.