EPISODE 34 - PABLO PEREZ GARCIA
PHILIP
Hello everybody, we're back on your podcast feeds and we're here to stay until summer with new episodes every forthnight! Today's episode follows several story strands, so if you can't quite remember what happened season 3 part 1, we recommend listening to our latest release "Spiked Cocoa" first. It's a roller coaster recap through what happened so far.
We left off with Amelia and Alvina stuck in an air raid shelter telling each other stories and drinking vino tinto, when suddenly a voice from the darkness surprises them. Someone is lurking in the shadows... Enjoy today's episode!
PROLOGUE
AIR RAID SIRENS AND EXPLOSIONS IN THE BACKGROUND.
PEREZ
Now hat was very interesting...
AMELIA
Shit! You made me drop the candle!
ALVINA
Who are you?
AMELIA
Where are you?
ALVINA
Gah, I can't see a bloody thing!
PEREZ
Hello. I’m Pablo Perez Garcia. I’m the leader of the Panaraguan Pythons. We are freedom fighters. Welcome to our headquarters. Now, you are going to help me.
AMELIA
Not again!
PEREZ
Sorry?
AMELIA
Oh, it's just, since arriving here I keep getting pestered by disembodied voices.
PEREZ
You've helped someone else?
AMELIA
Only a foetus.
ALVINA
She's hallucinating. Due to the lack of food.
AMELIA
Can we get some light in here?
ALVINA
I can't believe you've just been lurking in the dark this whole time. Did you listen to everything I said?
PEREZ
Hm. You really kept a corpse in your bed for three weeks?
ALVINA
You should have told us you were here!
PEREZ
I was enjoying the story. Are scones really as good as they sound?
ALVINA
DO NOT MAKE MY CRAVING EVEN WORSE!
AMELIA
Well. Since you know all about us, I think you should tell us about yourself.
PEREZ
Certainly.
AMELIA
Start by telling us what you look like. I'd like to picture who I'm talking to.
PEREZ
I have blue eyes and dark hair. I'm wearing an orange bandana. My left ear is pierced with a golden python, my right ear is... missing.
AMELIA
You lost it in combat?
PEREZ
No. It was cut off when I was twelve. By Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972!
ALVINA
He cut off your ear when you were a boy? That's horrific!
PEREZ
He wanted to make an example of me.
AMELIA
Why? What did you do?
PEREZ
I was born into the last Taipecan tribe in the Canario Forest. When they came to raze our enclave we chained ourselves in front of the loggers! The president came to the forest. He said if we didn't leave, he would kill us. As a warning, he took me, the youngest boy, and cut off my ear with his pocket knife. That day I vowed to bring down the monster and free Panaragua!
AMELIA
So you founded the Panaraguan Pythons?
PEREZ
I joined The Panaraguan People's Party. When the leader was sentenced to death I took over the movement. I ran a nation-wide recruitment scheme, trained members in combat and espionage, forged links with rebel groups around the world and renamed the movement The Panaraguan Pythons! The movement has gone from strength to strength and now victory is in sight. I just need your help and tomorrow Panaragua will be free!
AMELIA
Our, uh, help?
ALVINA
We generally, um, try and stay out of geopolitics...
PEREZ
Ha, it's too late for that!
AMELIA
That's for us to decide.
PEREZ
Excuse me?
AMELIA
We choose which cases to accept and we don't take orders.
PEREZ
I don't mean to be rude, but...
AMELIA
Yes?
PEREZ
You're in a bunker in the middle of the Panaraguan jungle.
AMELIA
Yes?
PEREZ
Surrounded by my men.
AMELIA
Yes?
PEREZ
Do you really think you have a choice?
ALVINA
Man's got a point.
AMELIA
You mean we're your prisoners.
PEREZ
I would prefer to call you my guests, but-
AMELIA
Hrmph. The hospitality has been amazing.
FOOTSTEPS.
ALVINA
Listen! What's that?
A DOOR IS OPENED. SAVANNAH ENTERS.
PEREZ
Savannah?
SAVANNAH
(IN SPANISH) All clear. You can come up. The jeep is waiting.
PEREZ
Right! Time to go!
AMELIA
Hang on...
ALVINA
Where are we going?
PEREZ
Monterosa.
AMELIA
But-
PEREZ
To the president's palace.
AMELIA
But we're -
PEREZ
Quick! The jeep is waiting. It's a long ride.
AMELIA
But we have -
PEREZ
We'll have time to discuss strategy on the way.
THEME TUNE
A JEEP STARTS UP.
SAVANNAH
(IN SPANISH) Monte Rosa here we come!
INTRO CREDITS
The Amelia Project created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music by Fredrik Baden.
Episode 34, Pablo Perez Garcia.
AMELIA
I don't know who you think we are or how we ended up here, but it seems there's been a mix up. Orchestrating coups is not what we do. We specialise in-
PEREZ
Huh. I know what you do.
AMELIA
You do?
ALVINA
Then... Why are we here? Why aren't we in...
PEREZ
Russia?
AMELIA
How do you know?
AMELIA
Tell us what's going on here!
PEREZ
(LAUGHS)
ALVINA
Hey! Hey! You have to explain! We were on a plane to Russia-
PEREZ
Ayayay...
ALVINA
Wait... you abducted the plane? How?!
PEREZ
The plane was headed to Panaragua from the start.
AMELIA
What? No! We went to the Russian embassy-
PEREZ
Natalia Federov is a dissident. She subverted the Kremlin's orders and sent you here.
ALVINA
You're serious? Why?!
PEREZ
Do you know what your friend is doing in Russia?
ALVINA
He's in prison.
PEREZ
He's working for the Kremlin.
ALVINA
Okay...
PEREZ
And the Kremlin does not want regime change in Panaragua.
ALVINA
Okay...
PEREZ
Your friend is planning a fake assassination for Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972.
AMELIA
They want to fake the president's death?
PEREZ
No. Not just his death. They want to fake the revolution.
ALVINA
Wh... Excuse me?!
PEREZ
I told you. The Kremlin wants to uphold the status quo.
AMELIA
Then why don't they just kill you?
PEREZ
Because the toothpaste has come out of the tube and they know it!
ALVINA
Did he just say toothpaste?
AMELIA
Yup.
PEREZ
It was a metaphor. Have you ever tried putting toothpaste back in the tube after it's been squeezed out?
ALVINA
Eh...
PEREZ
It's impossible.
AMELIA
Your point?
PEREZ
It's impossible to put back the revolutionary spirit I have unleashed!
ALVINA
You mean the Russians have accepted that revolution is inevitable?
PEREZ
Yes.
AMELIA
And rather than resist the revolution...
PEREZ
They will fake it.
ALVINA
How?
PEREZ
By faking the president's assassination, then bringing him back as me!
ALVINA
Huh... Ah... You're saying the president will keep running Panaragua, but with your physique?
PEREZ
Yes. Panaraguans get their revolution, but the status quo is maintained.
ALVINA
That's impossible.
PEREZ
Hm. I've been told that for The Amelia Project nothing is impossible.
AMELIA
How will they turn the president into you?
PEREZ
You are the experts of transformation are you not?
ALVINA
Only with Kozlowski.
PEREZ
Kozloski?
ALVINA
Our surgeon. And he's not in Russia.
PEREZ
And where is he?
ALVINA
He's...
AMELIA
He's...That's a very good question...
PEREZ
You lost your surgeon?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
I wonder if he's woken up yet...
CUT TO THE US EMBASSY IN LONDON.
JACKIE
Miss Kennedy.
MIA
Miss Kennedy.
MISS KENNEDY
Jackie Williams. Mia Fox.
MIA
Reporting for duty, ma'am.
MISS KENNEDY
Well, welcome to London. How are you finding it so far?
MIA
Rainy. Cold. Lots of ugly teeth.
MISS KENNEDY
Ah, the teeth! I've been the head of our UK office for nearly fifteen years, but I still haven't gotten used to English teeth... Haven't they invented dentists over here? Anyhow. Where’s the surgeon?
MIA
We handed him over to the security guards.
MISS KENNEDY
What security guards?
MIA
The two guys who waved us in when we arrived at the parking lot.
MISS KENNEDY
What parking lot?
MIA
I… I think it said New Mill Road?
MISS KENNEDY
That’s not our parking lot.
JACKIE
Wh… What?
MISS KENNEDY
That’s. Not. Our. Parking lot!
MIA
Then who were those two men -
CUT TO COLE AND HAINES IN A CAR.
HAINES
Go, go, go, go, go!
COLE
Yeah, yeah, but where?
HAINES
Thames House!
COLE
Nah, if they realise we took the surgeon, that's the first place they’ll go. They could cut us off! We have to go somewhere else!
BACK AT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY.
MISS KENNEDY
YOU GODDAMN SHIT FOR BRAINS KNUCKLEHEADS! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO BE HAD BY A PAIR OF LOBSTERBACKS AND CRUMPET STUFFERS!? GET OUT THERE AND GET ME THAT GODDAMN SURGEON!
CUT TO A BIT LATER:
MIA
You've been stationed here for two years, how could you not know which parking lot belonged to the embassy?
JACKIE
I haven't been hanging around here, I've been in the field.
MIA
Two years! You've never parked here?
JACKIE
Driving on the wrong side of the road freaks me out!
CUT TO COLE AND HAINES WALKING DOWN THE ROAD:
HAINES
Cole, your dry cleaner is something else! They just took the bag, no questions asked, agreed to hang it in their storage, no questions asked, and they even agreed not to open the bag until we come back for it!
COLE
Yeah, it’s a good place.
HAINES
Yeah, those two ladies have really got your back!
COLE
Yeah. Those two were new. Normally there are two Vietnamese ladies. Not Americans.
HAINES
Excuse me?
COLE
No, no, you think that was them in…? Oh my God!
COLE AND HAINES RUN OFF.
CUT TO MIA AND JACKIE IN ANOTHER STREET:
JACKIE
They’re coming!
MIA
Damn it! Throw him down the manhole!
CUT TO A SEWER:
COLE AND HAINES ARE WADING IN WATER.
COLE
Oh god, I can’t take the smell down here...
HAINES
Man up! It’s just poo. We’ve got to find him!
COLE STUMBLES ON SOMETHING.
COLE
God, ah! God, my trousers! There’s shit on my trousers!
HAINES
You found him!
CUT TO A PARKING LOT:
COLE AND HAINES ARE CARRYING THE BODY BAG WITH KOZLOWSKI IN IT.
COLE
He's bloody heavy! Where did we park the car?
HAINES
There!
THEY OPEN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR AND HAUL KOZLOWSKI IN.
COLE & HAINES
Hrgghhah!
THEY CLOSE THE TRUNK.
COLE
Right. Where do we go now?
MIA AND JACKIE KNOCK ON THE CAR WINDOW FROM INSIDE THE CAR.
MIA AND JACKIE
So long! See ya!
THE CAR DRIVES OFF.
COLE
No!
HAINES
What - no! Not again!
COLE
HOW THE HELL?!
HAINES
STOP! STOP! STOP!
HAINES RUNS AFTER THE CAR.
CUT TO A WINDY ROOFTOP.
MIA
They won’t find us on this rooftop!
COLE AND HAINES COME RUNNING.
COLE
Aha!
HAINES
Hand him over! NOW!
JACKIE
Quick, into the air ducts!
COLE
No, no, no!
CUT TO INSIDE THE AIR DUCTS:
JACKIE
Mia, where are you?
MIA
I… I… I can’t see a thing, it’s pitch black!
JACKIE
Why are ventilation systems always squeaky clean on film? This one’s - pthew! Blrgh! Hlrgh! Mia? Mia?
MIA
Over here!
JACKIE
Where?
MIA
Over here!
JACKIE
I have an idea!
CUT TOA BRIDAL STORE:
FAINT MUZAK.
MIA
Brilliant. They'll never come looking in a bridal store.
CUT TO THE JEEP IN PANARGUA.
AMELIA
Ah... I reckon Kozlowski is locked up in an MI5 holding cell somewhere.
ALVINA
Yes. Probably...
CUT BACK TO THE BRIDAL STORE.
HAINES GOES THROUGH DRESSES ON A RACK.
HAINES
Wedding dress, wedding dress, wedding dress. Ah! Zip bag!
COLE
Ah!
THEY OPEN THE ZIP BAG.
COLE
Argh! It's just a suit?!
HAINES
Damn. They tricked us.
COLE
Where do you think they really took him?
CUT TO A SLAUGHTERHOUSE:
MEAT CLEAVERS CHOPPING MEAT. A TRUCK IS BEEPING, BACKING UP IN THE BACKGROUND.
COLE
A slaughterhouse? Ugh, I can’t stand the sight of blood.
HAINES
Cole, it’s hanging right there! Between the pig carcasses!
THEY OPEN IT. SPLUT-SPLAT-SPLURGE AS PIG INTESTINES COME FALLING OUT.
HAINES
Oh god, that’s intestines…
COLE
I’m going to throw up…
SLAUGHTER HOUSE WORKER
Oy! You can't be in here! Get out!
CUT TO A STREET:
HAINES
Fuck. I really thought that was Kozlowski.
COLE
Nope.
HAINES
Argh… Well I'm out of ideas. We've lost them. We're well and truly fucked.
MIA AND JACKIE COME RUNNING.
MIA AND JACKIE
Hah!
COLE & HAINES
Wah!
JACKIE
Gotcha!
MIA
Gotcha!
COLE
What do you mean "gotcha"?
MIA
Where's the surgeon?
HAINES
I might ask you the same question!
MIA
What do you mean?
HAINES
The surgeon. Where did you hide him?
JACKIE
(SNORTS)
Where did we hide him?
COLE
Yes.
MIA
Um... you had him last.
HAINES
No we didn't! Did we?
MIA
Grgh! This is a complete cluster fuck!
HAINES
OK, OK, let's try and think back and pinpoint where we lost him. We put him in a bin liner and hid him in a dumpster behind Morrisons. From there you retrieved him, put him into a suitcase and checked him into luggage storage at Saint Pancras. We lugged the suitcase over to the British Library and put him in a cleaning cupboard. You took him out of the cleaning cupboard and into the ladies lavatories. We put him in a wheelchair and rolled him over to the Royal Free Hospital where you…
HAINES FADES OUT.
CUT BACK TO THE JEEP PANARAGUA:
AMELIA
On the bright side, it means you have nothing to fear.
PEREZ
Que?
AMELIA
Kozlowski is the only person who could turn the president into you.
PEREZ
You're wrong. They're doing it without this "Kozlowski."
ALVINA
How do you know?
PEREZ
Our man in Russia sent us their plan.
ALVINA
Really? How do they intend to do it?
PEREZ
No idea.
AMELIA
But - you just said you've got their plan?
PEREZ
Yes, but it came to me in code. I need you to decipher it for me.
AMELIA
Hmm. What kind of code.
PEREZ
Something to do with insects.
AMELIA
Insects?
ALVINA
Show us this plan!
CUT TO GOLOVIN, ANTS CELL:
FLUTTERING INSECT WINGS.
ANT
Maggots, sawflies, a jumping plant louse, a stink bug, a dozen shining leaf chafers, two dozen leaf-rolling weevils, a jar of spider wasps, thorn bugs, red-fanged tropical fire ants, spittle bugs, Canadian woodcutter bugs, meadowhawks, giant darners, black saddlebag skimmers.
INTERVIEWER
You've got everything you need? Boris will be picking you up in just a few minutes.
ANT
Oh drat. I don't have any pincer ants.
INTERVIEWER
What do we need those for again?
ANT
Nose hair removal.
INTERVIEWER
Won't a pair of tweezers do the trick? Do you have tweezers Oleg?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS)
ANT
Not to worry. In Panaragua, Pincer ants outnumber humans by a million to one and they're attracted to chocolate.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Chocolate?!
ANT
I'll just leave a piece of chocolate on the ground and it'll be covered in pincer ants in no time.
INTERVIEWER
I'll give you a Malteser!
ANT
Thank you. Now let's see, glowworms, sucking lice, Brazilian treehoppers, harvester ants, globe skimmers and -
CUT TO THE JEEP IN PANARAGUA.
AMELIA
(READS) Bog wasp venom for Botox. Spider silk for skin grafts. Nymph bug saliva for skin tone- Alvina...
ALVINA
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
AMELIA
Ant?!
ALVINA
Yup.
PEREZ
What?
ALVINA
Oh Jesus.
PEREZ
Ant? Who's Ant? What is an ant?
ALVINA
This has just got a lot weirder.
AMELIA
Ant is a maverick entomologist.
PEREZ
Huh? Entomo...? Que?
AMELIA
Insects. They want to transform the president using insects. It's not a code.
PEREZ
Uh... I don't get it.
ALVINA
Neither do I. It's beyond bonkers.
PEREZ
You're saying their plan is... unrealistic?
ALVINA
You tell me.
PEREZ
It sounds... Well...
ALVINA
Battier than a box of bats?
PEREZ
Si.
ALVINA
You have nothing to fear. It won't work.
AMELIA
That's what people said about the cybug. And you know how that turned out.
PEREZ
It doesn't actually need to work as long as it seems it does.
ALVINA
Come again?
AMELIA
What do you mean?
PEREZ
The Russians must think everything has gone according to plan.
ALVINA
I don't follow...
PEREZ
I want them to believe that the man declaring victory on the balcony is the president pretending to be me...
ALVINA
When in fact it's...
PEREZ
The real me!
AMELIA
Huh.
PEREZ
I want them to believe they've won. It's the only way they will leave Panaragua in peace and stop meddling here. That gives us some breathing space to put this country back on the right track.
ALVINA
Blimey.
AMELIA
Risky.
ALVINA
What do the Russians want you to do?
PEREZ
They want me to shoot the president from the tower of Iglesia de las Lagrimas Puras.
ALVINA
They'll take safety precautions of course...
PEREZ
Of course. But they'll make it look like the assassination was successful. I'll cross the Plaza and enter the palace-
ALVINA
They'll be waiting for you there!
PEREZ
Yes.
AMELIA
They'll kill you!
PEREZ
That's where you come in.
ALVINA
And how's that?
PEREZ
I need you to fake my death.
ALVINA
What?
PEREZ
You must fake my murder in a way that the Russians are convinced that I'm gone.
ALVINA
Oh heck...
PEREZ
That way the Russians will withdraw from Panaragua and once they realise what's happened, it will be too late and Panaragua will be free!
ALVINA
And what happens to President Julio- (SHE FALTERS)
AMELIA
Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972.
ALVINA
That one.
PEREZ
I was thinking we should give him a new life in a hut in what's left of the Canario Forest. Give him a taste of what he's done to the place.
ALVINA
Poetic justice. I like it.
AMELIA
If we're going to do this, we have to come up with a plan quickly.
ALVINA
The only way we can pull this off is by liaising with our colleague...
AMELIA
Can we get a message to him and Ant?
PEREZ
That will be difficult.
ALVINA
I thought you said you have someone on the inside?
PEREZ
There's someone feeding us information, yes. But we don't know who it is...
CUT BACK TO GOLOVIN AND ANT'S CELL:
ANT
Brazilian treehoppers, harvester ants, globe skimmers and three Australian plague locusts. Right! That's all the specimens! Once Boris gets back I'm good to go.
INTERVIEWER
We have to send you off with- We don't have any champagne... Hmmm... In the absence of champagne, we'll raise a Malteser. Another Malteser Ant?
ANT
Thanks.
INTERVIEWER
Malteser Oleg?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
There you go. And one for me. Ready? To success in Panaragua!
ANT
Success in-
OLEG
I need to talk to you.
ANT
Oleg?
INTERVIEWER
Oleg?
ANT
But...
INTERVIEWER
Oleg? Did you just...?
OLEG
Yes. I need to talk to you.
INTERVIEWER
He... You...
ANT
You talk?
OLEG
I talk.
INTERVIEWER
Well cover me in custard and call me a crumble!
OLEG
Now listen carefully.
END THEME TUNE
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed this episode. Stay tuned for a listener voice mail, but first the credits. This episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Fredrik Baden. It featured Federico Trujillo as Pablo Perez Garcia, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Lory Martinez as Savannah, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Mama Bang Bang as Miss Kennedy, Benjamin Noble as agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as agent Cole, Dominic Hargreaves as the slaughterhouse worker, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Alex Scott Fairley as Ant and Alexander Mercury as Oleg.
The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Lovetraxx Tonstudio in Luneburg, Germany, and Spike City Studio in Oslo, and egineered by Dominic Hargreaves, Billy Haliday, Stefan Heyel and Robert Rustad Amundsen. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to our patrons who keep this show running and a massive thank you to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Travis Kirton and hello to our new super patrons Rushab Shukla and Amélie Harris.
We have been receiving more amazing disappearance requests from you over the past weeks and months and we'd like to play you one of our favorites now. If you'd like to leave a message, well, usually I'd tell you to call our secret number, but we're experiencing some technical difficulties and unfortunately we've been unable to descipher some of the recent messages due to glitchy audio. Uh, so you can email us your audio clip instead. Simply email your voice message to implodingfictions (a) gmail.com and tell us why you need to disappear. The message you are about to hear was sent in by Nicky Vedder.
BEEP.
TYPING ON A KEYBOARD.
VOICE
Is this thing running? Yes, of course it is. I hope this line is secure I've gone through quite the trouble trying to obtain the number. But, heh, I guess it is, since looking for it has been a pain. Cause there were no traces of it. Anywhere. Props to you I guess. I just have an entire ocean between the US and the UK trying to block my call to thank for that. And I have no time. I'm hearing double. You might be to. My life is being split in half and spilled into a story and I can't pull myself away from the computer's keyboard.
Now, you've got to help me. Lend me a hand if you will. I'm a writer on my off time. Trying to finish a story and get myself out there. I'm writing a book. Just an idea, brainstorming thoughts and writing splurges of events to put in it. Look, it was meant to be just something to pour my thoughts and ideas into, just a reliable outlet, and what happened?
I didn't have a name for the protagonist of the story yet and I'm a perfectionist in regards to naming the characters, which is just the thing. It was giving me a bit of trouble, more than what it was worth really, so I put in mine as a placeholder. Nicole. You know? And I thought it'd work. Just a placeholder, nothing big, I'd just change it later.
My identity is draining from me! You, please, you must help me, you must! I'd no idea it'd turn into a Dorian Gray-adjacent situation! And I feel myself draining, spilling, pouring! But I can't stop writing, writing, typing, ideas that are pulling me head, heals and all into it. There's always time for a story, but tell me, is there a time when a story has you? Plotting the writer's own demise by pulling her into the book she wrote? Her own writing and words being her undoing. Poetic, yes, but not the way I want to go.
I want to live! I want to do things that aren't dreadfully to the T on a schedule. And I'm getting weaker the more I talk. I need to get out of this book and this damn self imposed deadline. So please, I've got to disappear!
BEEP.
BEEP.
PEREZ
This is Pablo Perez Garcia speaking, leader of the Panaraguan Pythons. We need your help! If you want to support our fight for freedom, and help all the people who work on this podcast, please become a patron of The Amelia Project on patreon.com/ameliapodcast! The revolution depends on you! Viva la revolucion!
BEEP.
THE END.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.