EPISODE 39 - LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION
PHILIP
Hello, and we’re back with a brand new episode! And this week, it’s time to catch up with Amelia and Alvina. When we last left them, they just managed to escape from the smart coffins. Now, Amelia, Alvina, Perez and Savanna have reached the city of Monterosa, where they want to install Perez as the next leader of Panaragua. We are deeply indebted to all our patrons who fund this show. Without them, we wouldn’t be doing this, without them, we would have given up a long time ago. So thank you to all of you who are chipping in! And today, we’d like to extend a special thank you to Elizabeth Curry, this episode is dedicated to you, Elizabeth. And now, without further ado, it’s time to go to Monterosa…
PROLOGUE
(PEREZ, AMELIA, ALVINA AND SAVANNAH WALKING TOWARDS THE GATES OF MONTEROSA. THEY ARE IN HIGH SPIRITS, WE HEAR THE BACKGROUND SOUND OF PEOPLE CHATTERING, A CHURCH BELL, HONKING CARS)
PEREZ
I can't wait to see Enrique's face when he finds out I've risen from the dead!
SAVANNA
He’s going to freak out!
(PEREZ AND SAVANNAH LAUGH)
ALVINA
I'm looking forward to how president Julio's reacts!
SAVANNA
He's a very superstitious man.
PEREZ
Oh, he's going to be so spooked!
AMELIA
Shall we take bets on how quickly he flees the country?
ALVINA
(INNOCENTLY) You know what Amelia? He might need some disappearance specialists...
AMELIA
(EQUALLY INNOCENT) I guess we could squeeze in one last gig before we leave Panaragua?
PEREZ
Ah! Look!
AMELIA
Wow! That is... a lot of orange.
ALVINA
Orange flags draped from the balconies, orange banners and bunting, orange... smoke! (SHE COUGHS)
AMELIA
They've even painted entire buildings in orange!
SAVANNA
Iglesia de las Lagrimas Puras all in orange!
PEREZ
I knew you would keep the revolutionary flame alive!
(ALVINA STILL COUGHS)
I feel so proud to be a Panaraguan!
SAVANNA
Look... There comes Guilliamo!
PEREZ
(HAPPILY) He... he's spotted me!
SAVANNA
(CAREFUL) He's running towards us!
PEREZ
Look how excited he is!
AMELIA
Let the resurrection of Pablo Perez Garcia begin!
(THE THEME TUNE KICKS IN, BUT IT’S MIXED WITH "El ASCENDO DE LA JUSTICIA!")
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Episode 39 - Long live the Revolution
PEREZ (SHOUTS)
Hey! Guilliamo! Guilliamo!
GUILLIAMO (RUNNING TOWARDS THEM)
(IN SPANISH) Long live the revolution!
PEREZ/SAVANNAH/ AMELIA/ALVINA
Long live the revolution!
PEREZ
(IN SPANISH) Guilliamo my friend!
(HE HUGS GUILLIAMO)
GUILLIAMO (MUFFLED AS HE'S SQUASHED AGAINST PEREZ' SHOULDER)
Let me go!
PEREZ
Don't be scared my friend.
GUILLIAMO (STILL MUFFLED)
I'm not scared.
PEREZ (RELEASES GUILLIAMO)
I have returned from the grave to save Panaragua!
GUILLIAMO
(HOSTILE) Ha! The president warned me about you.
ALVINA
Uhm…
PEREZ
(CONFUSED) The president?
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH) What are you talking about Guilliamo?
PEREZ
It's me! Pablo Perez Garcia!
(CLICK OF A PISTOL)
GUILLIAMO
You are under arrest.
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH) Guilliamo! Put away that gun!
PEREZ (SPANISH)
I'm what?
ALVINA
It seems there's been a big misunderstanding.
GUILLIAMO
No, no misunderstanding. The president wants to see him.
ALVINA
When you say president... Do you mean...?
AMELIA
You mean Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of-
GUILLIAMO (INTERRUPTING HER)
DO NOT MENTION THAT NAME OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!
ALVINA
Ok! Easy! Easy!
GUILLIAMO
Since the revolution, that name is forbidden.
PEREZ
Since the revolution?!
GUILLIAMO
Since the great Panaraguan revolution of 2020!
AMELIA
When... um... when was that?
(PAUSE IN WHICH WE ONLY HEAR THE CHATTER IN THE BACKGROUND)
GUILLIAMO
(SUDDENLY COMPLETELY CALM) Four hours ago.
ALVINA
Oh lord.
AMELIA
(PAINFUL) We missed the revolution by four hours?
GUILLIAMO
Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, Leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020 has been a better leader in the last four hours than (SPITS HIS WORDS) Presidente Julio - the tyrant - in the last four decades!
SAVANNA
Miguel?!
PEREZ
(IN SPANISH) Are you shitting me?! Miguel?!
GUILLIAMO
Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra
PEREZ
You put Miguel in charge? He can barely remember my coffee order!
SAVANNA
Pablo likes it black with one sugar.
PEREZ
See! It's not that difficult! But Miguel always adds milk and three sugars!
GUILLIAMO
Do not criticize president Miguel!
PEREZ
Why Miguel??
GUILLIAMO
After Pablo Perez Garcia died-
PEREZ (INTERRUPTS HIM)
Hello! I'm right here!
GUILLIAMO (CON’T)
The path to the palace was clear and we had to seize the moment!
PEREZ
You do recognize me… (GETTING DESPERATE) Don’t you?
GUILLIAMO
Miguel bravely stepped forward. He addressed the crowds from the palace balcony and the people loved him! Now Panaragua is free! Long live the revolution!
PEREZ
(QUICKLY) Long live the revolution!
GUILLIAMO
Why are you saying that?
PEREZ
Oh, uhm. Habit.
GUILLIAMO
Do not take the revolution's name in vain, eh!
PEREZ
What are you talking about?!
GUILLIAMO
You have no respect! Marching in here on our day of victory, mocking our new leader and posing as our old one
PEREZ
Wait wait wait wait wait (SPEAKS SPANISH)
GUILLIAMO
Juan! El Rucio! Arrest the impostor!
PEREZ
This is crazy!
AMELIA
This is really going tits up isn't it.
(TWO MEN SEIZE PEREZ, SAVANNAH, AMELIA AND ALVINA, PUT HANDCUFFS ON THEM AND BUNDLE THEM INTO A JEEP)
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH) Ouch! Let go of me!
PEREZ
Where are you taking us?
ALVINA
We can explain!
GUILLIAMO (SHOUTING FROM THE CAR)
Long live the revolution! Long live the revolution!
(IN PALACIO DE SANTA MARÍA DE LA PURÍSIMA SALVAT ROMERO. PEREZ, AMELIA, ALVINA AND SAVANNAH ARE BEING ESCORTED DOWN A CORRIDOR BY GUILLIAMO, WE HEAR THEIR STEPS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. ALVINA, AMELIA AND ALVINA ARE WHISPERING)
PEREZ
You said they'd welcome me with open arms!
ALVINA
(UPSET) How could we know they'd fast track the revolution and put the coffee boy in charge!
GUILLIAMO
Shut up and keep walking!
AMELIA
If we'd got here a few hours earlier it would all have worked out!
ALVINA
I can't believe how quick they were!
PEREZ
(HURT) They didn't even have time to mourn me properly!
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH) It's disrespectful!
GUILLIAMO
I told you to shut up!
(THEY KEEP WALKING IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT, THEN AMELIA AND ALVINA WHISPER AGAIN)
ALVINA
What's your plan?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
Your plan? To get us out of this omnishambles?
AMELIA
I don't have a plan.
ALVINA
You always have a plan!
AMELIA
Not this time. You?
ALVINA
Nope.
(GUILLIAMO STOPS)
GUILLIAMO
I'll let the president know you've arrived.
(GUILLIAMO GOES THROUGH THE DOOR)
PEREZ
Don't you worry.
ALVINA
(SPLUTTERS) What do you mean?
PEREZ
I'll sort this out.
ALVINA
You will?
PEREZ
We have to tell Miguel the truth.
AMELIA
You think?
PEREZ
Yes. Guillamo is an idiot, but Miguel will understand.
(GUILLIAMO RETURNS)
GUILLIAMO
He's ready for you.
(PEREZ, AMELIA, ALVINA AND SAVANNAH ENTER THE ROOM)
You are about to meet Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, Leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020.
SAVANNA
I'm going to give that naughty boy a piece of my mind!
(THEY WALK UP STAIRS)
MIGUEL
Well well well well. Isn't this a surprise.
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH, THOUGH MORE SPITTING THAN RAGING) Miguel you twerp! Who do you think you are? Remove that python from your lapel straight away! You've officially been suspended!
MIGUEL
Guilliamo?
GUILLIAMO
Yes sir.
MIGUEL
(UNIMPRESSED) Throw her into jail
GUILLIAMO
Yes sir.
SAVANNA
(IN SPANISH) What? This is outrageous!
(GUILLIAMO GRABS AND DRAGS HER AWAY, SHE KEEPS TALKING IN SPANISH)
PEREZ
(A LITTLE NERVOUS) Sorry about that. She's been through a lot. Anyway, lovely to see you Miguel my friend! And thank you so much for stepping in during my absence. Your courage will be rewarded! How would you like to be my second in command?
MIGUEL
Please. Stop talking.
(PAUSE)
Who are you?
PEREZ
Isn't that obvious? I'm Pablo Perez Garcia!
MIGUEL
Uh. Pablo Perez Garcia died in a car accident…? (CHUCKLES)
PEREZ
Ah. That. You see, it wasn't really a car accident.
MIGUEL
Of course it wasn't. I am not stupid.
PEREZ
Oh! You... know?
MIGUEL
Everybody knows it was faked.
PEREZ
(RELIEVED) They do?
MIGUEL
Yes. By the Russians.
PEREZ
Que?
MIGUEL
The Russians planned the accident to kill Pablo Perez Garcia!
PEREZ
Ah.
MIGUEL
They've got blood on their hands!
PEREZ
That's not actually...
MIGUEL (IGNORING HIM)
We're building a monument to commemorate Perez at the site of the crash.
PEREZ
That's very kind, but you see, I wasn't really killed. It was a sham. A pretend death.
MIGUEL
Why would the Russians pretend to kill Perez? That doesn't make any sense.
PEREZ
It wasn't the Russians.
MIGUEL
Who else?
PEREZ
Um... I think this is where you step in?
AMELIA
Ah, yes.
ALVINA (OVERLAPPING)
Right.
MIGUEL
Who are they?
AMELIA
Amelia.
ALVINA
Alvina.
MIGUEL
You both have the same name?
AMELIA
No no no. I'm Amelia.
ALVINA
(PUTTING EMPHASIS ON THE LAST TWO SYLLABLES) And I'm Alvina.
MIGUEL
This is very confusing.
PEREZ
Amelia and Alvina are the most distinguished disappearance specialists in the world.
MIGUEL
Huh! Is that so?
ALVINA
(CONFIDENT) It certainly is! We can fake anyone's death and bring them back with a brand new identity.
MIGUEL
So you faked the car crash?
ALVINA
Oh! No no no no. We had nothing to do with that.
MIGUEL
You didn't?
AMELIA
No.
MIGUEL
So what happened?
ALVINA
It's … a long story.
MIGUEL
I have time.
(AMELIA AND ALVINA TALK SLIGHTLY OVER EACH OTHER, ENDING EACH OTHER’S SENTENCES)
AMELIA
Uh… well, there's this other death faking business-
ALVINA
The Incognito Project-
AMELIA
-bunch of amateurs.
ALVINA
-complete losers.
AMELIA
They're very jealous. Paid us a visit back in London and tried to blackmail us into giving them our surgeon...
ALVINA
-When we refused, they set MI5 on us! So we fled to the Russian embassy and were put on a flight to Moscow-
AMELIA
-but ended up in Panaragua-
ALVINA
-That's when we heard that President Julio wanted to fake his assassination.
MIGUEL
(THINKING HE UNDERSTANDS) You plotted to fake the tyrant's death.
AMELIA
No!
MIGUEL
That was the other one? The Incognito Project?
AMELIA
No no no
MIGUEL
You're telling me there's a third death faking business?!
ALVINA (AWARE THAT THIS IS GETTING STUPIDLY COMPLICATED)
Our colleague is working for president Julio, but we're working for Perez! Anyway, it turns out Mateo was tracking us!
MIGUEL (
CONFUSED) Mateo?
ALVINA
The moron who runs The Incognito Project.
AMELIA
So he faked our deaths while we were driving to Monterosa.
ALVINA
It was us he wanted. Perez was just collateral.
AMELIA
So we all end up six feet under-
ALVINA
-in smart coffins!
AMELIA
But we managed to escape and freed Perez and Savannah...
ALVINA
brought Perez straight to Monterosa-
AMELIA
-only to find the revolution had already happened.
(PAUSE)
MIGUEL
That's your story?
ALVINA
Um... I'm aware it sounds a bit…
AMELIA
Crazy, right…?
PEREZ
(CAREFUL) It's the truth, it really is.
(THEY TRAIL OFF. SILENCE. THEN MIGUEL BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. HE LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS, HIGH-PITCHED AND LOUT)
ALVINA
You don't believe us.
(MIGUEL KEEPS LAUGHING, HIGH-PITCHED, CLAPS HIS HANDS, HE IS OUT OF BREATH WHEN HE TALKS NOW)
MIGUEL
This... is... the most... ridiculous story... I have... ever... heard! You seriously think you could walk in here with this bullshit story and I'd... What? Just buy it?
PEREZ
Look at me!!!
MIGUEL
What?
PEREZ
LOOK AT ME!!!
MIGUEL
Calm down.
PEREZ
LOOK AT ME!
MIGUEL
I'm looking at you.
PEREZ
What more proof do you need!
MIGUEL
Yes. You look like Pablo Perez Garcia. Sure.
PEREZ
(GETTING INCREASINGLY LOUDER) I look like Pablo Perez Garcia? I look like Pablo Perez Garcia? I don't just look like Pablo Perez Garcia, I am Pablo Perez Garcia! Isn't it obvious?!
MIGUEL
I must admit, it is most convincing.
PEREZ
(SLOWLY LOSING HIS MIND) You seriously think I'm in disguise?
MIGUEL
Well, these two fine ladies- Alicia and Alina was it?
AMELIA
Alvina and Amelia.
MIGUEL
Sure. They just told me they're world experts in providing new identities. Isn't that so?
ALVINA
Oh... I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick here...
MIGUEL
Why so modest? You've done an excellent job. I knew the real Perez, and even I can't tell the difference.
PEREZ
(HOPEFUL) Ha! I've got it! Here's how I'll prove I'm Perez!
MIGUEL
Oh?
PEREZ
(SURE OF HIMSELF) I don't just look like Perez, I know everything about him. Go on! Ask me anything about myself and I'll answer!
MIGUEL
Alright. How does Perez like his coffee?
PEREZ
Black, with one sugar.
MIGUEL
Ha! Wrong! He takes it with milk and three sugars!
PEREZ
No I don't! I don't! Why do you always get that wrong- (DESPERATE) You're messing with me right? You're being funny, Miguel? For the love of God, please tell me you're being funny! You know it's me! You must do!
MIGUEL
Here's what I think: I think you're a Russian stooge who thinks he can just waltz in here and seize power.
PEREZ (STEPPING CLOSER)
I think you know exactly who I am, but now that you've tasted power you don't want to relinquish it.
MIGUEL
Get out of here you fraud!
PEREZ
I'm the fraud? Really?
(THEY START YELLING AT EACH OTHER IN SPANISH SO FAST WE BARELY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, APART FROM THEIR NAMES IN BETWEEN, THEN THEY START TO FIGHT, SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR, THEY ARE BOTH OUT OF BREATH)
AMELIA
Oh… Guys guys guys. Let's cool it. Isn't there any other way we can sort this out?
MIGUEL
(PANTING) I can have you thrown in jail. I can have you executed.
PEREZ
(PANTING) Look, I get it. You're enjoying the moment of fame. But it won't always be like this. Leading Panaragua will be sweat and tears. It will be dangerous. You know the tyrant won't just go quietly don't you?
MIGUEL (CHUCKLES)
Hm. I've dealt with him.
PEREZ
(SURPRISED INTAKE OF BREATH) Miguel. I... I'm sorry... I was arrogant. When I said you'd be my second in command … that was insulting. You've played an important part in the revolution. How about we share power?
MIGUEL (SHOUTS)
Guillamo!
(GUILLIAMO ENTERS)
GUILLIAMO
(IN SPANISH) Yes?
MIGUEL
Get this mad man and his friends out of here! Throw these traitors into jail!
GUILLIAMO
Yes sir!
AMELIA
There must be something we can do for you!
PEREZ
Miguel! Be reasonable! Miguel!
AMELIA
Wait, there must be something we can do for you…?
MIGUEL
To you it's Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, Leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020!
PEREZ
(IN SPANISH) It’s a scandal!
MIGUEL
You've wasted my time long enough. I have important business to attend to. OUT!
(HANDCUFFS ARE APPLIED AGAIN)
AMELIA
No, hold on just a minute, this is ridicolous. There must- there must be some-
(GUILLAMO GRUNTS)
Do not put your hands on me!
(CLICK OF HANDCUFFS)
We’re going, we’re going… Just- Just no, don’t touch me, we’re going.
(THEY ARE DRAGGED AWAY. METAL DOORS ARE SLAMMED SHUT, CLATTER OF KEYS AS THE DOOR IS LOCKED, AMELIA, ALVINA AND PEREZ HAVE BEEN IMPRISONED)
PEREZ
You're going to regret this!
ALVINA
How long are you leaving us here?
GUILLIAMO
(PLEASED) That's for the president to decide.
(GUILLAMO'S FOOTSTEPS ECHO INTO THE DISTANCE, ANOTHER DOOR GETS CLOSED. NOW WE ALSO HEAR WATER DRIPPING)
ALVINA
(SCOFFS) Great. Just great.
PEREZ
This is a scandal!
ALVINA
How's your cell Amelia?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) You know, I was just trying to decide what's preferable: the bunker in the jungle, the smart coffin or this prison.
ALVINA
The smart coffin had the muscles from Brussels.
AMELIA
Yeah, but the bunker had Vino Tinto.
ALVINA
Good point.
AMELIA
In any case, I think we can safely say this place is the lowest of the low.
ALVINA
(HOPEFUL) Or maybe we just haven't discovered the entertainment options yet?
AMELIA
I very much doubt we'll find booze or hot Belgians here. (SIGHS) And it stinks.
JULIO
It's inhumane!
AMELIA
Oh?
ALVINA
Oh, hello? We have a neighbor? Nice to meet you. I'm Alvina.
AMELIA
Hi, I'm Amelia.
PEREZ
Pablo Perez Garcia.
JULIO
Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972.
(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH BY ALVINA)
PEREZ
Julio?!
JULIO
Wait. Perez…?
AMELIA
(DRYLY) Well. That's our entertainment sorted.
PEREZ
You callous, cold-blooded, diabolical tyrant! I piss on your mother's grave and wipe my ass with your birth certificate!
JULIO
You vile, treacherous, slimy worm!
(HITS THE BARS OF HIS CELL)
I- I- I cut off your other ear, fry it with unnecessary number of chilies and serve it to your children!
PEREZ
I will cut off your head and drop kick it into a crowd of cheering Panaraguans!
JULIO
I will tear off your testicles and put them on my mantelpiece in a jewel encrusted display-case!
PEREZ
I will not rest until your bloated body is dragged through the streets of Monterosa and every Panaraguan can spit on you!
JULIO
I will never be content until until I've sawed off your arms and
(HITS BARS AGAIN)
pummeled you to death with them!
ALVINA
Um, can I interrupt?
PEREZ
I'm not finished! All the paper in the world wouldn't be enough to write down all the ways I could to seek vengeance on him!
ALVINA
I respect that you're archenemies, but-
JULIO
Panaragua is mine!
PEREZ
Panaragua belongs to the people!
JULIO
I was born to rule this country!
PEREZ (OVERLAPPING)
I was born to lead the people!
ALVINA
Neither of you is going to do any ruling anytime soon. You're just going to have to come to terms with that.
(PEREZ AND JULIO GRUNT)
AMELIA
Alvina is right. We might be in here for a while. I suggest you call a truce.
PEREZ
You must be joking!
AMELIA
You can settle your differences once we get out of here. For now, we're going to have to try to get along.
ALVINA
Yes! Focus on the things we have in common.
PEREZ
Que?
JULIO
(UPSET) I have nothing in common with Pablo Perez Garcia!
ALVINA
Sometimes you can be surprised. Like that time I was stuck in a warlord's tank at the Libya Sudan border. We ended up discovering a shared passion for early regency romance novels and after that - the time just flew by!
AMELIA
Hey, we should do some bonding exercises!
JULIO
Some what-exercises?!
AMELIA
It'll help pass the time...
ALVINA
I'm in! Oh, here's one! Everybody has to share something negative that's happened in their life. It can be a personal or work-related, but it has to be true. Then we discuss the experience, but focus only on the positive and try to find the silver lining...
(WHILE ALVINA IS EXPLAINING THE ACTIVITY THE THEME MUSIC SLOWLY RISES UP)
So, who wants to go first?
(PEREZ AND JULIO BOTH JUST GRUNT AGAIN)
(THEME MUSIC)
CREDITS
This show is kept alive by its Patreon supporters. If you enjoy the Amelia Project and want us to keep telling stories, do consider becoming a part of our community, And making a small donation per new episode. You will have access to some fun perks in return. More info on ameliapodcast.com. This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Øystein Brager, sound design by David Devereux of Tin Can Audio, and music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. It featured the incredible Federico Trujillo as both Perez and Miguel, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Lory Martinez as Savanna, James Carney as Julio, Arturo Tovar as Guillamo. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, NSI Lydproduksjon in Oslo, and Love Tracks Tonstudio in Lüneburg, Germany. Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen, and production assistance by Maty Parzival. Thank you to each and everyone of our patrons, and special shoutout to Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Travis Kirton, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie Harris, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Leferman, Elizabeth Curry to whom this episode is dedicated, Mints and such and Viktor Hesselbom. You guys are incredible!
Now, remember our voicemail, the number for which can be found hidden in several previous episodes? We occasionally still get mysterious calls to this number, and we’ve heard everything from terrifying screams, to barking dogs to people claiming they’re calling from outer space. Anyway, we recently received a message that seems to be in code! And we need you to help us to crack it. If you figure it out, send the answer to implodingfictions@gmail.com and the first person to do so will win a prize. And if you’d like to call voicemail and leave a voice message, we’d like to hear from you! If it’s weird enough, who knows - we might even play it on the show! Anyway, here’s that coded voicemail.
EPILOGUE
(CLICK)
(VOICEMAIL WITH FIRST, STRANGE BEEPING SOUNDS, THEN STRANGE HUMAN (?) SOUNDS)
(BEEP)
END OF EPISODE