EPISODE 4 - NATHANIEL MCBRIDE
PROLOGUE
(THE FAMILIAR BEEPING)
(ANSWERPHONE CLICKS ON, FAINT MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
If you continue, there is no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(ANSWERPHONE-BEEP)
NATHANIEL
(A SNEEZE AND COUGHING, HE IS NOISILY BLOWING HIS NOSE, NO WORDS)
(THEME TUNE THAT STARTS CRACKING WHEN STATIC DISRUPTS IT TOWARDS THE END, IT FADES INTO BEEPING)
INTRO
(AS IF THROUGH A BAD SPEAKER) The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 4: Nathaniel McBride.
THE INTERVIEW
(THEME TUNE FADES INTO THE CLICK OF A MOUSE AND THE INTERVIEWER TALKING. HE ALSO SOUNDS AS IF WE ARE LISTENING IN THROUGH A HIDDEN MICROPHONE. THE VOICES ARE TINNY IN PARTS)
INTERVIEWER
(ON THE PHONE, SOUNDING DELIGHTED) …client 230 carbon monoxide poisoning, client 236 hit by a golf ball, client 238 fell from a trapeze, client 240 didn't duck getting out of a helicopter, (SHORT PAUSE) I know. Client 243 struck by lightning, client 252 sucked out of an aeroplane, (CHUCKLES) that was a tricky one! I think that’s all the deaths by misadventure for this month. Shall we move on to murders?
(PAUSE)
Hello? Ah, bad signal. So, murders. It’s been a lean month for murders… Let’s see, two stabbings by knife, one by corkscrew, one battering by fire extinguisher, one by spatula… (CHUCKLES) Yes, spatula.
(SOMEONE SNEEZES LOUDLY)
(DISTRACTED)Bless you!
(SUDDENLY REALIZING THERE IS SOMEONE IN HIS OFFICE) Holy crap on a cracker! Who are you? What are you doing here?
(A COUGH)
Alvina? I’m going to have to call you back. There is someone in my office.
(HE HANGS UP THE PHONE)
Who the hell are you?
NATHANIEL
(SAYS NOTHING AND ONLY BLOWS HIS NOSE)
INTERVIEWER
What do you want?
(STEPS CAN BE HEARD, MOST LIKELY THE INTERVIEWER CALLING OUT INTO THE HALLWAY)
INTERVIEWER
Joey! Salvatore!
(THE CHAIR CREAKS AS NATHANIEL POSSIBLY SITS UP STRAIGHTER, BEFORE NATHANIEL SPEAKS FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE HAS A SCOTTISH ACCENT)
NATHANIEL
(AMUSED BY THE ATTEMPT) They’re not going to help you. They won’t gain consciousness for another half hour at least.
INTERVIEWER
Who are you?
NATHANIEL
Nathaniel McBride. Senior Intelligence Officer, MI5.
(NATHANIEL SNIFFS)
INTERVIEWER
(SAD BUT NOT SCARED)Ah. I suppose it had to happen one day. Almost surprised you didn’t find us sooner.
(VERY CLEAR) Activate Operation Jelly Bean
(A CLICK, THEN A SIREN STARTS UP, THE SAME SOUND THAT ALERTS FIREFIGHTERS AT THE FIRESTATION)
NATHANIEL
(AMUSED)No need for that.
(THE SIREN DIES DOWN AS IF IT’S RUN OUT OF POWER)
INTERVIEWER
How did you... ? What just-
NATHANIEL
I know all about your escape plan. I’ve been listening to your calls for months.
INTERVIEWER
(HOLLOW) So it's over...
NATHANIEL
Relax.
INTERVIEWER
(UNBELIEVING) Relax? Did you just tell me to relax?
NATHANIEL
(MATTER-OF-FACT-VOICE)Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to find that very difficult.
NATHANIEL
I’m not here to arrest you.
INTERVIEWER
You’re not?
NATHANIEL
I’m here as a client.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED)What?
NATHANIEL
I’m here as a client
(COUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) MI5 has a job for us?
NATHANIEL
No. I’m acting independently.
INTERVIEWER
So… MI5 doesn’t know you’re here?
NATHANIEL
And mustn’t find out.
INTERVIEWER:
(RELIEVED SIGH) I’m starting to like you.
(SOUND OF SOMETHING BEING APPARENTLY SAT DOWN ON A METAL TRAY)
Would you like a cup of cocoa?
(SOUND OF POURING)
NATHANIEL
No.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh?
(MORE COUGHING, A SUPPOSED CUP IS SET DOWN ON THE METAL TRAY AGAIN)
NATHANIEL
Could I have a tissue though?
INTERVIEWER
You can use my hanky?
NATHANIEL
Thanks I'll pass. (SNIFF)
INTERVIEWER
You know. You gave me quite a jump. (CHUCKLES, THEN, SLIGHTLY OFFENDED OR CURIOUS)You see, our clients usually leave a message to arrange an appointment.
NATHANIEL
I couldn’t risk that. Your answerphone isn’t safe.
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) Poppycock!
NATHANIEL
Believe me, for a secret organisation, your security is shoddy.
INTERVIEWER
So… why did you come here?
NATHANIEL
When it comes to making people disappear you’re the best in the business.
INTERVIEWER
(AMUSED CHUCKLE) That means a lot coming from an employee of our number one competitor.
NATHANIEL
(EQUALLY AMUSED) MI5's not like that.
INTERVIEWER:
No?
NATHANIEL
No! We’re not the bloody CIA.
INTERVIEWER
You mean you don’t hunt down super villains? Fight evil henchmen? Get laid every five minutes?
NATHANIEL
Oh. I wish. It’s an office job.
INTERVIEWER
Uh. How boring.
NATHANIEL
Yeah. The special units see most of the action. I'm more of a … paper pusher.
INTERVIEWER
Well you had me fooled. The way you snuck in here, not to mention knocking out Joey and Salvatore.
NATHANIEL
(CHUCKLES) Joey and Salvatore? Is that what you call them?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
(NATHANIEL LOUDLY COUGHS TO CLEAR HIS THROAT AGAIN)
NATHANIEL
Cut the act. (WITH EMPHASIS AND GETTING FASTER WHILE HE SPEAKS) Angelo Russo. One of the most ruthless Cosa Nostra mobsters in US history. After a bloody feud with the Di Pasquas he fled to Mexico, Scandinavia and Britain, making enemies and dropping bodies everywhere he went. He was finally found washed up in Dover in November 2012. His corpse was identified and sent back to the US.
INTERVIEWER
I don't know what you're talking about.
NATHANIEL
The other one. Joey was it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Joey.
NATHANIEL
(GETTING FASTER WHILE HE SPEAKS) Mario Drago. Son of Dario Drago, head of an international crime network, spanning London, Rome and Madrid. Mario was involved in the Royal Mail heist of 2008. He was killed in a violent shootout in the Paris suburbs two years ago.
(FAKE SURPRISED) So imagine my surprise when I found Angelo and Mario sipping espresso in the hall. (SNIFF) Those two boys prove my point.
(PAUSE)
Nobody makes people disappear like you.
INTERVIEWER
How can we help?
NATHANIEL
First we need to go dark.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
NATHANIEL
Give me your mobile.
INTERVIEWER
It’s turned off.
NATHANIEL
I’m going to need the SIM card.
INTERVIEWER
What are you going to-
NATHANIEL
This.
(SNAP)
INTERVIEWER
Right.
NATHANIEL
Laptop.
INTERVIEWER
No!
NATHANIEL
Laptop!
INTERVIEWER
No!
(CRASH)
INTERVIEWER
Was that really… necessary?
NATHANIEL
MI5 has eyes everywhere. You’re lucky I’m here. I can set up a secure phone connection and help with Email encryption. In return you’ll take on my case.
INTERVIEWER
I’m going to have to get a notepad.
NATHANIEL
Eh. No notes. You’ll remember what I tell you. Believe me.
INTERVIEWER
Ok. Shoot.
(PAUSE)
(CLEARS THROAT) That was your cue.
NATHANIEL
How much do you need to know?
INTERVIEWER
Every last detail.
NATHANIEL
(THOUGHTFUL) Hm. How much time do you have?
INTERVIEWER
(BACK IN HIS ELEMENT) For a good story? All the time in the world. At Amelia we collect stories.
NATHANIEL
(CHUCKLES) Oh I can give you a story alright.
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Oooh – let me guess! You need to hide. MI5 is after you.
NATHANIEL
(HESITANT) Not yet.
INTERVIEWER
Damn.
NATHANIEL
(THROUGH STUFFED NOSE) For the time being I’m still a high ranking officer with a promotion in the pipeline.
INTERVIEWER
But you’re about to put your career at risk?
NATHANIEL
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
You know something?
NATHANIEL
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Two points for me! What do you know?
(PAUSE)
(IMPATIENT) You have to tell me.
NATHANIEL
How good are you under torture?
INTERVIEWER
(SWALLOWS LOUDLY) Um…
NATHANIEL
If they find out you know, they’ll come after you. Do you really want to put yourself in that position?
INTERVIEWER
(FIGHTING INTERNALLY BUT ABSOLUTELY CAN’T RESIST A STORY) I'll take the risk.
NATHANIEL
You're absolutely sure?
INTERVIEWER
(NOT ABLE TO TAKE THE TENSION ANYMORE) Ok, now you're just milking it! The payoff better be good!
(PAUSE, THE CHAIR CREAKS, THEN NATHANIEL COUGHING)
NATHANIEL
What connects the current uprising in Ethiopia, the death of Alan Rickman, the rise of UKIP, Matt Terry’s X Factor victory and Stephen Hawking’s latest warning about AI?
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!
NATHANIEL
I’ll tell you everything I know, but first I need to be sure that you can help me. I’ve gathered all the documents relating to this cover up. I intend to make them public. I owe it to my conscience.
INTERVIEWER
(IN DISBELIEF) You want to blow the whistle yourself?
NATHANIEL
It would be irresponsible to entrust it to anyone else. I don’t want to get more people killed than necessary.
INTERVIEWER
They’ll kill you?
NATHANIEL
Probably. But that’s not what I’m worried about.
INTERVIEWER
(CURIOUS, AMAZED) What are you worried about?
NATHANIEL
My family. Once I’ve blown the whistle they’ll do everything in their power to discredit me. (GETTING INCREASINGLY MORE UPSET) They’ll create medical records proving mental illness, fabricate a history of sexual misconduct, install cat pornography on my computer.
INTERVIEWER
Cat pornography?
NATHANIEL
Aye.
INTERVIEWER
Is that a thing?
NATHANIEL
It's a thing.
INTERVIEWER
Ew. I’m not sure if I feel more sorry for the cats or the porn stars.
NATHANIEL (CON’T)
(UPSET STILL) They’ll drag my reputation into the gutter, humiliate my family, and even if I disprove everything, the damage will be done. In the public’s mind I’ll be a dangerous, psychopathic cat molester.
(PAUSE)
Which is why I need to die before they can touch my reputation. I want a noble death. A death my family can be proud of. And then, after I’ve died, I can come back as someone else and release the documents.
INTERVIEWER
Once you release the documents (STATIC RISES UP WORSE FOR A SHORT MOMENT) MI5 is bound to trace it back to you. New identity or not. They may still kill you.
NATHANIEL
I don't care. As long as my reputation stays intact.
INTERVIEWER
But they can commit character assassination even after you're dead.
NATHANIEL
(A DEEP SIGH, THEN A SHORT PAUSE) So what do you suggest? I mean… you’re the expert.
INTERVIEWER
(IN HIS ELEMENT)Ooooh, we need a sensational death! We need to win over hearts and minds, make you immune to defamation! You have to become a national hero! Then even if MI5 does trace the leak back to you, they won’t dare tarnish your memory!
NATHANIEL
(A LITTLE DOUBTFUL) And at Amelia you can arrange that?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Ha! At Amelia we can arrange anything.
INTERVIEWER
Good. That’s good. I like it.
INTERVIEWER
So how would you like to die?
NATHANIEL
(THINKS FOR A MOMENT) I don't know.
INTERVIEWER
Well, is there a particular cause close to your heart? Remember, you can use your death to make a statement.
NATHANIEL
Yeah… This will sound silly.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good!
NATHANIEL
(AMUSED HUFF OF BREATH) I joined MI5 because I thought it’d be like James Bond. (SNIFFS, THEN GETTING MORE EXCITED AS HE SPEAKS) As a boy I always wanted to jump from rooftop to rooftop chasing bad guys, tearing through cities on a motorcycle, jumping off bridges and onto moving trains…
INTERVIEWER
(WITH JOY) Marvellous! Ending your career with your boyhood ambitions. What a beautiful bookend to your life! And we get to fulfill a second boyhood dream: Joey, you see, has always wanted to be a Bond villain. We get to kill two birds with one stone. I like it. So what do you suggest?
NATHANIEL
Oh, um, what do I suggest?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. We can tailor make your death to your exact requirements.
NATHANIEL
Um…
INTERVIEWER:
Alternatively, I can make some suggestions.
NATHANIEL
Yes. If you don't mind.
INTERVIEWER
All the more fun for me!
(RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER)
(MORE TO HIMSELF) We need a death that goes viral. At least 100,000 Facebook shares in the first hour. Hmm… Let me think. Tick tock, pick a lock, put a pickle in your sock... Aha! Here’s what I propose: (FAST) Throw yourself between an elderly Nigerian lady in a wheelchair and a white supremacist’s baseball bat. Your brains on the pavement, the lady's saved, it'll be all over the news, you're a hero, job done.
NATHANIEL
Good, great – do you have any others?
INTERVIEWER
Tickety tock, knockety knock, fry a weasel in a wok... Aha! (FAST) Jump in front of a lorry to save a three legged kitten. With your dying breath drag yourself by one arm across half of London to the nearest animal shelter, leaving a bloody trail behind you.
NATHANIEL
Oh. I’m allergic to cats.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you found them... stimulating?
NATHANIEL
He? No. (OFFENDED) No!
INTERVIEWER
Very well. Ticky tock tock, chippy chop chop... I can’t think of a rhyme. Okay. How about: (FAST) You tackle a suicide bomber to the ground in a busy shopping centre and keep him pinned to the ground as everyone else runs to safety,
NATHANIEL
Yeah?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
The blast of the explosion behind them as the shopping centre crumbles to the ground with just you and the bomber inside.
NATHANIEL
I don't know... I want to keep it light. More James Bond.
INTERVIEWER:
(SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH) Right. Tick tock, beam me up Spock... (UNDER HIS BREATH) Please beam me up, we have a demanding one on our hands... (LOUD AGAIN) Last suggestion, and you better like this: (FAST) Joey steals a briefcase off a government clerk right outside Westminster. It’s full of state secrets, or even better, stuffed full of cash dedicated to building a new orphanage!
NATHANIEL
Isn’t that unlikely?
INTERVIEWER
(HIGH-PITCHED) Shush, I’m working! (VERY FAST) You bolt after him, he pulls out a gun and opens fire. You leap onto the road and bring a Jaguar to a screeching halt, inches before your outstretched hand.
NATHANIEL
(FAST) Can it be a Bugatti?
INTERVIEWER
(FAST, AGAIN GETTING LOUDER UNTIL HE IS ALMOST SHOUTING PASSIONATELY) Of course it can! You tear out the driver, get behind the wheel, clamp down on the accelerator and make a beeline for Joey. He legs it down a narrow pedestrian alley. You yank the wheel and follow, car brushing the sides of the alley, sparks flying. Joey hoists himself up a fire-escape. You ditch the car and climb up after him.
NATHANIEL
(FAST) I’m afraid of heights.
INTERVIEWER
(LOUD) Don’t be! You catch up with him on the rooftop, have a fistfight, wrestle the briefcase off him and toss it to the gawping crowd below. People are craning their necks and making signs for you to turn around. (SLOWS RIGHT DOWN, QUIETER AGAIN) But it’s too late. Joey brings down his knife... and stabs you.
NATHANIEL
That could work.
INTERVIEWER
(CONVINCED) That will work. I came up with it. And I’m the best.
NATHANIEL
It's a plan!
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Thank goodness. You and Joey will have to get practicing as soon as he gains consciousness.
NATHANIEL
So. It’s time for me to uphold my part of the bargain.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed. (EXCITED) It's time you told your tale.
NATHANIEL
Well…
INTERVIEWER
Wait, I'm going to have to open a pack of Maltesers for this!
(SOUND OF THE INTERVIEWER OPENING A PACK OF MALTESERS)
NATHANIEL
Ready?
INTERVIEWER
Hit me. (CRUNCHES ON MALTESER)
NATHANIEL
You’re ready to have your mind blown?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
NATHANIEL
You might choke on a Malteser.
INTERVIEWER
(IN JOYFUL AWE) This is so exciting.
NATHANIEL
Certain things will never be the same.
INTERVIEWER
My goodness! (CRUNCH OF THE MALTESER-BAG)
NATHANIEL
You’ll become totally paranoid.
(INTERVIEWER KEEPS MUNCHING ON MALTESERS, THE BAG IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND FOR THE TIME THEY TALK)
You’ll never again be able to use google, listen to Nick Cave or buy sliced beetroot.
INTERVIEWER
Wow.
NATHANIEL
In many ways your life will become more difficult. But it’s always worth knowing the truth. That’s what I believe anyway. People have a right to know who controls the government and why we have such terrible weather in the UK.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm… that’s something to do with the Gulf stream isn’t it?
NATHANIEL
(CHUCKLES, LAUGHS) You’re going to have to reconsider a lot of so-called “truths”. You’re going to have to wipe your brain clean of everything it thinks it knows.
(PAUSE, THEN, QUIETER)
You’re the first person outside a handful of people at the very top of the Secret Service to hear this. It goes without saying that this is strictly between you and me.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
NATHANIEL
Good. Here goes: In 1978 a man named Gregory Banes called then Prime Minister James Callaghan to arrange a secret meeting at Westminster. On the same day Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen from Cosier-sur-Vevey in Switzerland…
(STOPS SUDDENLY. WHISPERS)
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
NATHANIEL
(CONTINUES WHISPERING) Over there. There’s a bug. We’re being overheard!
INTERVIEWER
(IN DISBELIEF, WHISPERING TOO) What? Impossible! Nobody has access to this office except for-
NATHANIEL
(LOUD, HE'S TALKING DIRECTLY INTO THE MIC) Here it is!
INTERVIEWER
(FAINTER, IN BACKGROUND, PROTESTING) Oh, no no no, that’s just…
NATHANIEL
(SHOUTS INTO MICROPHONE) You’re not fooling me! You sons of -!
(SUDDEN SILENCE FOR FIVE SECONDS OF REAL TIME)
(THE CONVERSATION CONTINUES AFTER A CLICK, NOW OVERHEARD FROM EVEN FURTHER AWAY)
…so you see that’s why the second round of Algeria's general elections was canceled in 1992, Belgium’s national airline went bankrupt in 2001, Russia agreed to provide Iceland with a four-billion Euro loan in 2008 and why the longest ever solar eclipse took place in 2010.
INTERVIEWER
Of course! It also explains what happened to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 and the election of Donald Trump!
NATHANIEL
I know. It affects almost everything. It even explains why I’ve had this horrid cold for the past three years. The ramifications are huge.
INTERVIEWER
You’re absolutely right, the public has a right to know!
NATHANIEL
It would be unjust to keep them in the dark.
INTERVIEWER
I propose a toast!
Here.
NATHANIEL
Don’t mind if I do. Thanks.
INTERVIEWER
What shall we toast to?
(THE BEEPING STARTS UP AGAIN)
NATHANIEL
Transparency.
INTERVIEWER
Transparency!
(CLINK OF GLASSES TOGETHER, NATHANIEL SNEEZES ONE LAST TIME, THEN A CLICK, AFTER WHICH THE END THEME STARTS UP AGAIN)
CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with OpenHouse theater Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Robert Cudmore as Nathaniel, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. It was written by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, directed by Alan Burgon and edited by Philip Thorne. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden, and graphic design Anders Pedersen. A massive thank you to FiveCollege for letting us use their studio. And a shoutout to A Scottish Podcast which also features Robert Cudmore and which is utterly brilliant. For those of you who like world music, we would like to recommend WorldBeatUk which is hosted by Glyn Phillips who plays a character in an upcoming episode of the Amelia Project. You can listen to his show on mixcloud.com/BrumRadio and that’s WorldBeatUk.
ØYSTEIN
Hi there, I’m Oystein
Philip
And I’m Philip, and together we write and produce this show
ØYSTEIN
Thank you again, for listening
PHILIP
If you enjoyed the show, we’d love to hear from you.
ØYSTEIN
We would be super grateful if you could take a moment to rate our show and review our show on ITunes so that other people can find it.
PHILIP
Whenever we hear from you, and a review pops up on ITunes, it really makes our day.
ØYSTEIN
By the way - do you like puzzles?
PHILIP
If you support us with a per-episode-donation via patreon,
ØYSTEIN
you can get your hands on Nathaniel’s top-secret case file, including a set of coded messages left by Nathaniel for the Amelia Project. Let’s see if you can crack them!
PHILIP
As always, more information on all this on ameliapodcast.com
EPILOGUE
(CLANK OF A CUP)
INTERVIEWER
(ON THE PHONE, EXCITED) It’s me again. You won’t believe who just came to my office… No, better… better… even better! … An officer from MI5! … Oh, yes, that’s what I thought! But it turns out he has a job for us! You won’t believe what he told me. I’m sending the tape over as we speak. Problem is he discovered the microphone just before it got spicy. Tore it right out of the wall. A stickler for confidentiality. I’ll fill you in on the missing bit now. Have you got a pen and paper? Ready? It’ll blow your mind… Oh crap, I just remembered - he said our line wasn’t safe. Would you mind popping over to my office for a cup of cocoa? I’ll give you a tiny teaser now though… This explains how the fact that Zayn Malik left One Direction- (PAUSE) …is linked to the death of Lady Di! Yes! How did you know? Okay, I’ll see you in a few minutes. (HANGS UP)
END OF EPISODE