EPISODE 41 - THE REAL PRESIDENT
PHILIP
Hello, it’s Pip and we’re back with your bi-weekly dose of death-fakery. Today’s episode is actually the last full episode of season 3, but fear not, we won’t be disappearing from your podcast-feeds, in fact, we got a surprise for you coming very soon. Thanks as always to all our patrons, without whom this merry mayhem would grind to a halt and today’s episode is dedicated to our super-patron Viktor Hesselbom, who wants to fake his death by drowning in a sea of coins after trying to replicate a Scrooge McDuck-type Money bin in real life. Anyway - if you’re a Patron of this show, whether you’re pledging 1$ or 100$, thank you so, so much - every pledge really helps.
Today, it’s back to Panaragua. When we last left Amelia, Alvina and the rebel leader Pablo Perez Garcia, they were thrown into jail, only to find that Perez’ arch enemy, the dictator Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972, was in the cell next door. Alvina suggested some bonding exercises, everybody has to share something negative that’s happened in their life and try to find the silver lining…
So - let’s see how that’s going.
PROLOGUE
(THE PALACE PRISON, LATE AT NIGHT. WE HEAR WATER DRIPPING AND EVERY NOW AND THEN THE SQUEAK OF A MOUSE OR RAT)
JULIO
(PASSIONATELY) ...I have no choice. I board my jet and tell the pilot we're going to the Hague. Me! Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 - facing a tribunal at the International Criminal Court? I am a world leader! I don't face courts, I am the courts!
ALVINA
I see how that would have felt very embarrassing.
(AMELIA GROANS)
AMELIA
(WHISPERING) How long has this story gone on for now?
PEREZ
(WHISPERING) I think we're approaching four hours...
AMELIA
(WHISPERING) I should never have suggested doing a bonding exercise!
JULIO
My face was on the front page of all the papers! "Panaraguan President fears prison" - Lies! I fear nothing!
PEREZ
The headlines were great! "Tyrant on trial"! "Justice ahead for Taipecan tribe"! We were so close...!
JULIO
It was very bad for my image. You know? Revolutionaries all over the world have posters of me. With a halo! Not with handcuffs!
AMELIA
(SARCASTIC) Do they really...?
JULIO
My face is on more t-shirts than Che Guevarra's!
AMELIA
Oh god, what absolute B.S.!
ALVINA
Amelia! Come on. This is supposed to be a safe space!
AMELIA
Safe space? Safe space?! Alvi- we're incarcerated! In something that looks more like a sewage system than a prison!
JULIO
Don't make fun of the palace prison! Very famous Panaraguans have died down here!
AMELIA
(UPSET) We don't seem to be getting a trial, we haven't even been given the courtesy of a lawyer. We'll either rot here for eternity, or if we're lucky, face execution in the morning. There is nothing "safe" about this situation whatsoever!
ALVINA
I know, but the sharing circle is supposed to be a safe-
(AMELIA GROANS LOUDLY)
You were the one who suggested a bonding exercise!
AMELIA
I didn't think it was going to last until the wee hours of the morning!
JULIO
May I continue with my story - please?!
ALVINA
Of course…
JULIO
Then! Just as my private jet is about to take off, I get a call. The trial is postponed. Because of a bomb threat. The court is closed. By the time the trial is rescheduled, we had managed to fabricate evidence against one of my generals. He's still in prison. So I guess that's the silver lining...
ALVINA
Uhm, yes... I suppose so...
AMELIA
Great. Was that the last story? Can we go to sleep now?
ALVINA
We need to wrap this up first!
(AMELIA GROANS AGAIN AND RATTLES THE METAL BARS)
Now. We've all heard each other's stories. Amelia told us about how she learned to persevere after she failed her first piloting examination -
AMELIA
Oh, do we have to bring that up AGAIN? It was embarrassing enough the first time.
ALVINA (CON’T)
I shared my experience of stealing my boyfriend's identity whilst he was rotting next door, which was a bad thing to do, but it did land me a really good job! And Perez -
AMELIA
(ANNOYED) - told us the entire history of the Taipecan people, which took FOREVER!
PEREZ
My people's history is important!
AMELIA
We were supposed to share a personal story!
PEREZ
I am a Taipecan! It is personal!
ALVINA
Relax! Let's not kill each other, shall we? I'm almost done. What I wanted to say was: Don't you feel, now that we've all shared our personal suffering, that we are closer than we were before? Perez and Julio, for example-
JULIO
My name is -
(IN SPANISH)
I'm so tired, I can't even be asked...
ALVINA (CON’T)
(HOPEFUL) Don't the two of you feel just a tiny bit more positive towards each other, now that you've seen the other's … humanity?!
PEREZ
No. I still want to shred that man's face with a cheese grater and feed it to hyenas.
JULIO
And I still want to fill his nostrils with TNT and light his moustaches.
(ALVINA SIGHS LOUDLY)
ALVINA
Well, that team building thing was a loadcrap then. Should never have taken that seminar…
AMELIA
I think we can be happy you're not working as a UN peace broker. Now! Good night! I am gonna try to get at least a few hours of sleep before sunrise…
MIGUEL
Why, uhm, not yet?
(STEPS, ALVINA AND AMELIA AUDIBLY STARTLE WHEN THE VOICE COMES)
AMELIA
Why do people in this country always hide in the shadows?!
MIGUEL
Uh… You haven't heard my story yet.
ALVINA
What? Who's there?
MIGUEL
It's me. Miguel. The president.
END OF PROLOGUE
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Episode 41 - The Real President
THE INTERVIEW
(MORE METAL BAR RATTLING)
PEREZ
Miguel?!
JULIO
You slimy snake!
PEREZ
What is that filthy rat doing here?!
JULIO
You stole my country!
MIGUEL
If anyone's a slimy snake it's the fat boa constrictor who's been choking its own people!
ALVINA
Calm down! Why is there so much name calling?! Can’t everyone just be nice for a second?
JULIO
Sure! Miguel - I actually appreciate how you stole the country under the nose of my archenemy! Hah! That really made me laugh!
PEREZ
And I appreciate how you put that boneheaded tyrant in a smaller cell than mine!
JULIO
My cell is not smaller!
PEREZ
It is! There's a huge pipe running through the middle and that makes your total living area smaller than mine! Ha!
ALVINA
Guys, guys…
AMELIA
Alvina, how about I take over?
ALVINA
Sure. I give up.
AMELIA
About time…
(SUDDENLY COMPLETELY CALM AND IN INTERVIEWING-MODE) So. Miguel. What brings you here?
MIGUEL (SPEAKING)
I've not seen the roaring fields in so long.
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
Excuse me?
MIGUEL
I know I've grown. But...
PEREZ (CATCHING ON)
Wait a minute. No. No no no!
MIGUEL
I can't wait to go home…
(MIGUEL BURSTS INTO SINGING ‘CASTLE ON THE HILL’ BY ED SHEERAN. PEREZ’ SHOUTS ARE OVERLAPPING, HE IS IN PHYSICAL PAIN)
I'm on my way!
Driving at 90 down those country lanes!
Singing to "Tiny Dancer".
And I miss the way you make me feel -
PEREZ
NO! NO! STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT! PLEASE! IT'S TORTURE! (SHOUTS IN SPANISH) AHHHHHHH!
(MIGUEL STOPS SINGING)
MIGUEL
I guess you really are Perez.
PEREZ (PANTING FROM THE PAIN)
Are my ears bleeding? Amelia?
AMELIA
They're not bleeding...
MIGUEL
Perez. I ne- I need to speak to you.
PEREZ
I have nothing to say to him.
MIGUEL
But I have something to say to you. I owe you an apology.
PEREZ
He wants to apologize! For what? Trying to sing me to death?!
MIGUEL
I owe you an apology because -
PEREZ
He doesn't owe me an apology. He owes me... A COUNTRY!
MIGUEL
(DEFEATED) I came here because I don't want to be president anymore. I give up!
PEREZ
Que?
AMELIA
What?
MIGUEL
Do you have any idea how hard it is?!
AMELIA
How long have you been president again?
MIGUEL
Eh… Eleven and a half hours?
JULIO
You have been president for eleven hours and you're already tired? I was president for nearly five decades, and I am not tired yet!
ALVINA (EYE-ROLLING)
Shut up Julio.
JULIO
My name is...!
(JUST GIVES UP WITH A SIGH)
MIGUEL
At first it was a breeze. The decisions were easy. Declare victory on the balcony. Put the tyrant in jail. Color Monterosa orange.
PEREZ
Of course that was easy! Those decisions were made before he took over!
MIGUEL
Then it got harder. Who was going to be in my cabinet? When do we initiate contact with other countries? Which government officials can we trust, who do we need to imprison? Right away there were so many questions! I thought they would come gradually, but no! They were just piling up!
(PEREZ AND JULIO AT THE SAME TIME, AMELIA BARELY OVERLAPPING AFTER THEM)
JULIO
I could have told you that.
PEREZ
I could have told him that...
AMELIA (CONSIDERATE, OVERLAPPING AT THE END OF THE OTHERS)
There was no way you could have known that.
MIGUEL
You know, it seems absurd that only yesterday I was barricaded in a dentist's office across from the palace, waiting for the final surge... I couldn't sleep, I was so anxious to be up on time. I had so many coffees to get! Everyone had to be awake for the final battle!
PEREZ (TO HIMSELF)
And he probably got all the orders wrong!
MIGUEL
Then everything happened so fast. Suddenly I was president. You know what I thought, the moment I was sworn in?
PEREZ
(DEEPLY SARCASTIC) How excited was he to stab me in the back? Hm?
MIGUEL
It was how I couldn't wait to lie down in the presidential bed! Snuggle between those silk sheets and let this strange day just fade away... But that moment never came. All the time, new people approached me with new questions: Should we free the pythons from the zoo as a symbolic act? Should there be a comma or a full stop after the word "citizen" in the Freedom Act? Did I want the tyrant's pet dog hung, drawn or quartered?
JULIO
(QUIETLY) You didn’t kill Eric, my little dog?
MIGUEL
(MATTER-OF-FACT) We fed it to the pythons at the zoo. The symbolism was very touching.
JULIO
(UPSET) You barbarian! My poor, beautiful Maltese!
ALVINA (TO HERSELF)
Maltesers...
AMELIA
What's that Alvina?
ALVINA
Oh, nothing...
MIGUEL
It's getting later and later in the day, and I'm so tired. But I have to stay awake. I'm the president! So I slap myself in the face, dunk my head in a bowl of cold water and soldier on! I take interviews with the papers, I call state leaders on the phone, I sign the new constitution - at least I think it was the constitution, by now I'm so tired I'm going cross eyed. Could have been the lease papers for the presidential condo for all I know. And then Guilliamo comes in. And he asks me: (IMITATING, ALMOST MOCKING) "Do you want a hot drink, Mr. President? A tea, a coffee..."
ALVINA
A cocoa…?
AMELIA
Alvina!
ALVINA
Huh? I'm focused! I'm here!
(AMELIA SIGHS)
MIGUEL
I say: "I'll have a coffee, please. Thanks." And Guillamo asks: "How do you like your coffee?" And I realize, I have no idea! I have never ordered a coffee! I always just do the round for everyone else.
AMELIA
You don't buy one for yourself?
MIGUEL
I always just drink the one that's left over. With big orders, there's always one that ends up being wrong.
PEREZ (HITTING THE METAL BARS)
That's always mine! (GRIMMLY) That's always mine…
MIGUEL
The one I end up with is always so sweet.
PEREZ
Because he adds milk and three sugars!
MIGUEL (CON’T)
I don't even know if I like my coffee sweet. I've never really thought about it. And that is the moment when I realize: I'm just a coffee boy. I'm not a president.
PEREZ
Finally! You see sense! Gracias, dios mio!
MIGUEL
So - Perez - I'm- I’m sorry. You were right. I can't do this job. It's… It’s… too much for me.
PEREZ
Listen, Miguel. My friend! Thank you for admitting this. I promise you, I won't hold it against you. Not even the fact that you put me in prison. You'll be a free man.
MIGUEL
Thank you, but -
PEREZ (CON’T)
If you want, you'll even have seat in my cabinet. To thank you for your - short - service as president.
MIGUEL
Well, the thing is, you see -
PEREZ
It can be something easy! Like Secretary of Culture or something.
JULIO
Culture is easy?! Amateurs!
PEREZ
(SMUGLY) You want to say something, old man?
JULIO
You never give the position as Secretary of Culture to someone who wants an easy job!
PEREZ
It's just attending concerts and handing out money to artists!
JULIO
If you are going to be president you need to understand that art is a threat!
PEREZ
How?
JULIO
When you took over the Panaraguan People's Party, what was the first thing you did?
PEREZ
I ran a nation-wide recruitment scheme, trained our members in combat and espionage -
JULIO
No, it was not!
PEREZ
It wasn't...?
JULIO
(GRAVELY) No. It was not. You changed the logo to a Python. Art! You got everyone to wear orange bandanas. Costume! You commissioned a new protest song - Musica! From that very moment, I knew that you were a dangerous opponent!
PEREZ
Ah… I see.
JULIO
Give him Secretary of the Panaraguan Space Program! It's a much easier job.
PEREZ
(CONFUSED) Panaragua has a Space Program?
JULIO
Of course not! That's why it's such an easy job!
MIGUEL
Guys -
PEREZ
Space program it is. Miguel, giving you your new title will be the first thing I do when I take over as president!
MIGUEL
(FINALLY MANAGED TO INTERRUPT) That's what I'm trying to say! It's not that easy!
PEREZ
Why? You don't like rockets?
MIGUEL
You can't just take over as president.
PEREZ
Of course I can. Just let me out of here, and I'll take over right away! There's nothing to wait for.
MIGUEL
But you'll be killed.
PEREZ
By who?
MIGUEL
Anyone! Everyone!
PEREZ
But the people love me!
MIGUEL
The people love Pablo Perez Garcia. You are an impertinent imposter who waltzed into Monterosa trying to subvert the revolution!
PEREZ
Oh for God's sake, not again! We've been through all of that! I am Perez! I thought we'd finally established that!
MIGUEL
But the people doesn't know that!
PEREZ
Well, how come they know I'm here at all?
MIGUEL
When you strolled into Monterosa, it wasn't exactly a secret was it?
AMELIA
(DEFENSIVE) We- We were trying to make a grand entrance.
MIGUEL
And you succeeded. News of this stranger mocking Perez, assuming his image, spread through the country like wildfire. The Panaraguans are enraged. They are expecting a public execution!
PEREZ
The Panaraguans want me executed?! After all that I've done for them?!
MIGUEL
You should be honoured.
PEREZ
POUR QUE??
MIGUEL
The people love Perez so much, they want the imposter to face the harshest of punishments immediately.
PEREZ
(BAFFLED) The people really love me that much?
MIGUEL
You know the site of your car crash?
PEREZ
Yes?
MIGUEL
There's already a monument there, erected to commemorate you. It's drawing pilgrims from all over the country.
AMELIA
(FLATLY) It seems they love you so much they want to kill you.
PEREZ
Well, when you put it like that... It's actually quite touching.
ALVINA
So, you're saying Perez can't take over as president, because no one thinks he's Perez?
MIGUEL
That's right.
ALVINA
But you, Miguel, don't want to stay president because the job is too hard?
MIGUEL
Ah, that’s right!
ALVINA
But the people like you?
MIGUEL
Oh, they see me as a nice guy. They like my smile.
(HE SMILES, JULIO SUDDENLY LAUGHS)
JULIO
That's what everyone loved about me too! My smile!
ALVINA
Let’s just be honest here. No one ever loved you! Everyone was just afraid of you!
JULIO
Oho! She is tough! I like that.
ALVINA
Ugh.
AMELIA
Perez - I think I have an idea how to solve this.
PEREZ
How?
AMELIA
You need to die.
PEREZ
I knew you were going to say that…
AMELIA (CON’T)
We need to fake your death, then bring you back. As Miguel.
PEREZ
I did not know you were going to say that.
AMELIA
It's obvious, really. The people are asking for a public execution. They're happy with Miguel as president, so if you take over, with his name and looks, you can rule the country calmly and safely, like you've always wanted.
PEREZ (HESITATES, SUCKS HIS TEETH)
Ahhhh, I don't know... I don't like this.
AMELIA
Why not? You have always wanted to be president.
PEREZ
But I've not always wanted to be Miguel!
AMELIA
Miguel's all right?
PEREZ
Miguel is the coffee boy!
MIGUEL
(MAKES A HURT SOUND) We’ve known each other for years! Why are you so rude?
PEREZ
For that very reason! Because I have known you for years, and I know everything about you! You can't shoot a rifle, because you can't handle a recoil!
MIGUEL
It affects my tennis elbow!
PEREZ
You can't swim, you can't climb and you can't even ride a bike!
MIGUEL
I just said, my tennis elbow…
PEREZ
You're bad at math, your spelling's even worse and your memory is so bad you can't even remember if you're left or right handed!
MIGUEL
Nah! I'm right handed, like most creative people!
AMELIA
That's left handed.
MIGUEL
Oh… (DEFENSIVE) I have other skills!
PEREZ
I know. I'm still wearing the orange wrist warmers you knitted for me, look! And they're great, but... I just don't want to be you.
(TO AMELIA)
I won't be Miguel. Sorry.
AMELIA
You really don't have much of a choice.
PEREZ
Of course I do! Just make me into someone else!
AMELIA
That would mean you have to overthrow Miguel.
PEREZ
Then I'll do that!
AMELIA
And risk another civil war?
PEREZ
That won't happen -
AMELIA
The Pythons just seized power yesterday! You won! And the people have got a president they like, for the first time in half a century! If you overthrow Miguel, you'll be a hated figure!
PEREZ
I won't, the people love me!
AMELIA
But you won't be you! You'll be some new person that nobody knows! You'll be the stranger who broke up the Python government and ended the peace before it had even started!
PEREZ
But -
AMELIA (CON’T)
If you come back as a completely new person, people won't see you as a revolutionary hero. They'll see you as... Yoko Ono!
(PAUSE)
PEREZ
Uhm... Yoko Ono?
AMELIA
She broke up the Beatles!
PEREZ
(CONFUSED) Uh...
AMELIA
Okay; you won't be seen as Evita, you'll be Imelda Marcos! You won't be Lenin, you will be Stalin! You'll be... both Noel and Liam Gallagher! You won't be Luke Skywalker, you'll be Jar Jar Flippin' Binks!
PEREZ
I have no idea what you're talking about!
AMELIA
The people won't see you as Mozart. They'll see you as... Ed Sheeran!
PEREZ
(GRAVELY) I fucking hate Ed Sheeran!
AMELIA
Exactly!
PEREZ
But I still have no idea what you're on about!
AMELIA
(PUTTING EMPHASIS ON EVERY SINGLE WORD) PEOPLE WON'T LIKE YOU!
PEREZ
(WHINES) Ohhhhhhhhhh...!
AMELIA
If you come back as Miguel, you can rule this country in the memory of Pablo Perez Garcia. Honoring what he would have wanted with every decision you make. You will be the most loved president this country has ever had. Heck, that this whole region has ever had! All because of you - Pablo Perez Garcia - and his legacy.
(A PAUSE AS PEREZ REFLECTS)
PEREZ
(ANNOYED) Fine! I'll become Miguel!
MIGUEL
You're making the right choice.
PEREZ
Shut up.
MIGUEL
Wait - but that means - I can't be me anymore?
AMELIA
No. You can't. We'll have to change your appearance as well.
MIGUEL
(TO HIS ABSENT MOTHER, IN SPANISH) Sorry, mamá! I know I got my good looks from you...
PEREZ
So, uhm… (CLEARS THROAT) how do we do this? How do we kill me - the imposter?
ALVINA
I suggest public hanging!
PEREZ
Can you hang me without actually killing me?
ALVINA
Ugh - There are a dozen ways of doing a fake hanging. Rubber rope... Steel tube down your throat... All of them with a 70 percent chance of survival or higher!
PEREZ
No no no no no no!
ALVINA
It's true!
PEREZ
I believe it's true, I'm saying I won't go through something with a thirty percent chance of dying!
ALVINA
I said seventy or higher...
PEREZ
Forget it!
AMELIA
What about decapitation then?
PEREZ
(sarcastic)
And what is the survival rate of that? Thirteen percent or less?
AMELIA
It's actually a hundred.
PEREZ
(SURPRISED) Really? How?
AMELIA
The blade doesn't actually hit you, it lands just in front of your head.
PEREZ
Won't that look fake?
AMELIA
No. A replacement head will be hidden inside the block. When the blade falls, it will trigger a mechanism that shoots the head out, followed by a large squirt of blood. It'll all happen so fast the crowd will be none the wiser.
MIGUEL
Wow!
AMELIA (CON’T)
Then Alvina, posing as the executioner -
ALVINA (INTERRUPTING)
Why me?
AMELIA (CON’T)
- will make a point of holding up the severed head showing it to everyone, distracting the audience from paying attention to your body being carried off. You can just tuck your head under your coat. Though to be on the safe side we should probably give you a prosthetic neck that's spurting blood. It's basic misdirection, really. With a touch of gore to finish it off.
(MIGUEL MAKES AN IMPRESSED SOUND)
JULIO
Very good idea! Going for a bloody execution. In my experience, the more blood they see, the calmer the people are afterwards.
ALVINA
Thank you for that input…
MIGUEL
Uhm… How do we make Perez into me then? And me into somebody else?
AMELIA
Ideally, we should have had Kozlowski here, but he is missing in action, so we'll have to think on our feet. Alvina, any ideas?
ALVINA
Don't you have any plastic surgeons in this country?
PEREZ
No one that good.
ALVINA
No one at all?
MIGUEL
(LAUGHS) He’s right. My aunt had some work done by the best plastic surgeon in Panaragua. Her breasts ended up above her jawline.
ALVINA
Can we fly someone in?
AMELIA
Too risky. The operation starts becoming trackable.
ALVINA
Can we smuggle someone in?
AMELIA
How do we know we can trust them?
ALVINA(DOESN'T LIKE SUGGESTING IT)
Maybe... The Incognito Project has a surgeon we could borrow?
AMELIA
We just sent their boss to Jan Mayen in a coffin, and the whole reason they kidnapped us was because they wanted our surgeon.
PEREZ
What the hell do we do then?!
(PAUSE)
JULIO
How about I just punch Miguel.
MIGUEL
Excuse me?
JULIO
(VERY CALMLY) I can just punch Miguel. Very hard. Until he looks like a… a patacon. A fried plantain. (GETTING QUIETER AS HE SPEAKS, ALMOST AS IF NERVOUS) A fried plantain - it’s very good, you must try some with a little salt and ketchup and mayonnaise. (MUMBLES IN SPANISH) The secret to the patacon is: before you fry, you squash with a rock, much like I will squash the face of Miguel with my fist.
MIGUEL
And how exactly would that help us?!
JULIO
You will have to bandage up your head.
AMELIA
He's right!
ALVINA
Like Todd!
AMELIA
Julio - that- that is actually a really good idea!
MIGUEL
No, it's not! The idea is to beat me up!
AMELIA
Yes! In public! You're on the palace balcony holding a speech. Suddenly, Julio comes running out from behind you! Alarms are going off in the distance. The tyrant has escaped from prison! And he is furious! In front of an international press corps he attacks you and pummels your face to mush!
MIGUEL
I am not liking this plan at all!
AMELIA
It will all be pretend! We'll fake the fight. Fake blood, gallons of it.
PEREZ
Uhm... As much as the idea of seeing Miguel beaten to a pulp on international news fascinates me - I'm not saying I enjoy it, I’m just saying that it would fascinate me - how exactly does it help the situation?
AMELIA
The bandages! Miguel will have to cover his face in bandages. For months!
ALVINA
Giving us plenty of time to find a surgeon!
AMELIA
It explains why you might look a little bit different once the bandages are off!
ALVINA
And you can start the job right away! Bandaged up!
MIGUEL
And what about me?
ALVINA
You will have to stay in hiding until we find a surgeon who can do you both.
AMELIA
If we find Kozlowski in time, we can send him over. If not, we'll find someone else. And there's even a bonus! After being beaten up by Julio, Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, Leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020, will be even more loved than before!
PEREZ
Huh. That is actually quite clever... I like it!
ALVINA
So, are you two beginning to appreciate each other a little bit...?
PEREZ
No.
JULIO(OVERLAPPING)
Not in the slightest, I still hate him.
PEREZ
Not at all.
(ALVINA SIGHS)
AMELIA
All right, let's get started. Miguel, you'll have to announce a national address tomorrow -
JULIO
Momente!
AMELIA
What?
JULIO
I am not doing this for charity.
AMELIA
Right.
JULIO
I want something in return.
AMELIA
What?
JULIO
My freedom.
PEREZ
You're asking a lot.
JULIO
Am I? Without me, you have no plan.
MIGUEL
But... if we let you go, the people, they will kill you they-
JULIO
I'll wait here. For the surgeon. He can do all three of us at once. But as soon as I have a new face, you let me go.
PEREZ (HATING IT, BUT DOING IT)
Fine. It's a deal. You beat up Miguel, and we'll set you free once you get a new face.
MIGUEL
As long as the beating is fake!
(JULIO LAUGHS)
AMELIA
Julio, you'll just pretend to attack Miguel, right? You promise not to actually beat him up?
JULIO
Yeah! Yes… (SPEAKS SPANISH)
(THE DOORS ARE UNLOCKED AND OPENED AS MIGUEL LETS THEM OUT)
ALVINA
Phew. This has been a very intense night. I need to wind down. Does this palace by any chance stock any Veuve Cliquot?
JULIO
My old wine cellar is just a few doors down.
AMELIA
Now we're talking!
ALVINA
Unless the Pythons emptied that during last night's victory party?
MIGUEL
There should still be a few bottles left.
ALVINA
Brilliant! Time for a toast.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) What should we be drinking to?
MIGUEL
I know! The real president!
AMELIA
And who is that?
(ALL SPEAKING OVER EACH OTHER AT ONCE)
MIGUEL
(at the same time as the others)
Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, Leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020!
JULIO
(at the same time as the others)
Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of 1972!
PEREZ
(at the same time as the others)
Presidente Pablo Perez Garcia, Prince of the Taipecan Tribe and Leader of the One True Revolution!
END OF THE INTERVIEW
(THEME TUNE SETS IN)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits! This episode was written and edited by Øystein Brager with story editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by David Devereux of Tin Can Audio and music and additional sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, Federico Trujillo and James Carney. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London and Lovetracks Ton Studio in Lüneburg, Germany, and engineered by Billy Hallyday, Stephan Heil and Dominic Hargreaves. Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen, and production assistance by Maty Parzival. Thank you to our wonderful patrons who make all this possible, and a special shout out to our super patrons: Chloe Leferman, Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Travis Kirton, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie Harris, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Elizabeth Curry, Mints and such, Viktor Hesselbom, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui! And hello to our new Super Patron - I am Trash! I’m not calling them trash, that is their username - I am Trash. If you’d like to become a patron and help us fake more deaths and craft more new identities as well as accessing all sorts of bonus perks - head over to ameliapodcast.com for more info. We’ll be back on your feed very soon, with announcements about the new season as well as… A surprise…
And now - the Epilogue.
EPILOGUE
(THE TOWN SQUARE, RIGHT OUTSIDE THE PALACE. BRIGHT SUNSHINE. BIRD SONG. INSECTS CHIRPING. A FAINT HUBBUB OF PEOPLE)
AMELIA
Oh, this is nice. Sitting at an outdoor café on Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada sipping a couple of Caipirinha's.
ALVINA
Maybe we should just stay in Panaragua...
AMELIA
Look! Those two, exiting the palace. Is that -
ALVINA
Ant and Savannah!
(ANT AND SAVANNAH IN THE DISTANCE)
ANT
Oh my godness, the sun! I feel like I haven't seen the sun for years!
SAVANNAH
Mi cielito, Relax, it's been less than a week.
ANT
And before that, Golovin... I'm not cut out for jail.
AMELIA
Ant! Savannah! Over here!
ANT
Alvina! Amelia! Good to see you!
AMELIA
Finally it's all over, eh?
ALVINA (CUTTING HER OFF)
Never mind that! Savannah! Did I just hear you calling Ant "mi cielito"?
SAVANNAH
(COY) Maybe...
ANT
(COYER) She might have done!
ALVINA
Isn't that something you'd call your boyfriend?
SAVANNAH
Perhaps…
ANT
Could be…?
ALVINA
(DISBELIEVING) You guys only met a week ago!
ANT
(STUTTERING AT FIRST) It's been a very long week.
(PAUSE)
And the basement was very dark…
(PAUSE)
And the two of us were very lonely, being put in a completely different wing to the rest of you.
ALVINA
(GRINNING) So…
ANT
And we had to share a very small cell...
ALVINA
(STILL AMUSED) Des this mean you guys are -
SAVANNAH
Taking it slowly.
ANT
(QUICKLY)We're moving in together!
(PAUSE)
I'm staying here, in Panaragua.
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Wow!
SAVANNAH
I have a little house by the rainforest, not so far from Monterosa.
ANT
(JUST SO EXCITED) There will be ball-bearing tree-hoppers and nine of the fifteen species of Parastagmatoptera right outside our front door!
ALVINA
Wow! What's next for you then, Savannah?
SAVANNAH
I've been given a position in Pere - I mean, in Miguel's government.
ANT
That’s confusing, isn’t it?
SAVANNAH
That's gonna take me some time to get used to...
AMELIA
What position?
SAVANNAH
Secretary of Natural Resources. With Ant as my environmental adviser.
AMELIA
Ah. That's amazing!
ALVINA
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you both!
AMELIA
Uhm… Is that man looking at us? He is coming this way…
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
A MAN (WITH A RUSSIAN ACCENT AND A VERY FAMILIAR VOICE)
Hello?
AMELIA
Uh… Yes? How can we help you?
A MAN (OLEG)
Are you Amelia?
AMELIA
Who's asking?
A MAN (OLEG)
And you are... Alvina.
ALVINA
Uhm -
A MAN (OLEG)
Alvina Wright? Is that correct?
ALVINA
Uhm…
A MAN (OLEG)
Here. This is for you.
(AN ENVELOPE LANDS ON THE DESK)
ALVINA
An envelope?
A MAN (OLEG)
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
ALVINA
What's in it?
(THE MAN WALKS OFF)
AMELIA
Hey! Wait! Don't just walk away! Who is it from?!
(ALVINA OPENS THE ENVELOPE)
ALVINA
Amelia, look! Two front row tickets for Sleeping Beauty with the Bolshoi. In Paris.
(SHORT PAUSE)
Tomorrow.
ANT
I guess you guys are not staying here then.
ALVINA
I guess not...
AMELIA
How utterly bizarre... What's that?
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
Stuck between the tickets.
(SHE RETRIEVES A PIECE OF PAPER)
ALVINA
It's a note! "See you in the city of light." I know that handwriting!
END OF EPISODE.