EPISODE 42 - OVERTURE
Pip
And we’re back, welcome to The Amelia Project Season 4.
While we’ve been away we’ve been doing some identity shifting of our own, Øystein has shed his old life as a carefree man about Oslo, and has adopted the new persona of being a dad to a wonderful baby daughter.
Anyway we’ve been hard at work on this season and can’t wait to share it with you, and in fact, we’re also making a separate miniseries called The Alvina Archives, which we’ll tell you more about at the end.
Today’s episode is dedicated to Jem Fidyk also known as The King of The Pigeons. He wants to fake his death by being chewed to death by his pet monkey Curly Joe, then flown off to safety by pigeons. He wants to be resurrected as a circus performer and he also wants to collaborate with Hiroshi on the construction of laser pigeons. We look forward to seeing you at the office Jem.
Today’s episode also features two patron cameos by Stéphane Gérard and Vincent Zuresco, thank you both Stéphane and Vincent.
And now, without further ado, settle into your seat, open a bag of Maltesers and enjoy the continuation of the story.
EPILOGUE - FOYER OF THE PARIS OPERA HOUSE
(WE HEAR THE CHATTERING OF PEOPLE IN THE BACKGROUND)
ALVINA
So, what are we about to see?
AMELIA
Sleeping Beauty. With a robot dancing the lead role.
ALVINA
(UNCONVINCED) Hmm.
AMELIA
Not a ballet fan?
ALVINA
It's the robot bit I'm unsure about.
AMELIA (SHRUGS)
At least that will make it interesting.
ALVINA
(A SKEPTICAL GRUNT)
AMELIA
Well here comes something that might be more to your liking.
(A WAITER APPROACHES)
WAITER
Mesdames. Voici votre champagne.
ALVINA
Oh... Merci! You ordered Champagne Amelia? (REALIZING) Is this...
AMELIA
(PLEASED) Veuve Clicquot, yes.
ALVINA
(SIGHS HAPPILY)
AMELIA
After everything we've been through, we've earned it.
ALVINA
Remember drinking that old wine in the Panaraguan air raid shelter?
AMELIA
It was good wine. But these are better surroundings.
ALVINA
This foyer is beautiful.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) The most beautiful opera house in the world in the most beautiful city in the world.
ALVINA
This is my first time in Paris.
AMELIA
Really? Well after the show I'm taking you down the Avenue de l'Opera to the Seine and we can eat at my favourite Brasserie on Ile Saint Louis. There's a lot we have to discuss and we can do it over dinner. Cheers Alvina.
ALVINA
Cheers.
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK. THEN ALVINA SIGHS SADLY)
AMELIA
What's wrong? You don't like it?
ALVINA
Oh... No no, it's divine. It's just... it reminds me of... I could relax more if I understood why he wanted us to come here.
(AMELIA SIGHS)
Where do you think he is?
AMELIA
You really think it was him who sent us these tickets?
ALVINA
That note was definitely written by Penny.
AMELIA
Penny?
ALVINA
His fountain pen.
AMELIA
He calls his pen- (FLATLY) Of course he does.
ALVINA
At least he's had Penny to keep him company all this time...
AMELIA
Tell you what, if we don't get another clue by the end of the evening, we'll go to Les Deux Magots first thing tomorrow morning. If he's in town, we're bound to find him there.
ALVINA
It's a plan.
(IN THE BACKGROUND, THERE IS A SOFT RINGING, SIGNALING THAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START)
AMELIA
(CHUCKLES) But first we've got some ballet to see. Drink up!
(THEY FINISH THEIR DRINKS AND MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE AUDITORIUM)
(EXCITED CHATTER FROM THE AUDIENCE. AMELIA AND ALVINA TAKE THEIR PLACES. FROM THE ORCHESTRA PIT WE HEAR THE MUSICIANS TUNING THEIR INSTRUMENTS)
AMELIA
It's had rave reviews. Look here: (READS FROM THE PROGRAM) "A stunning blend of tradition and technology. The Bolshoi reinvents Tchaikovsky for the twenty first century."
ALVINA
(STILL UNCONVINCED) If I want robots I'll go to the IMAX and watch a Michael Bay film.
AMELIA
Here's a quote from Hiroshi Sugiura, the engineer. (READS) "My mission is to challenge the preconceived notion that robots are manifestations of industry, practicality and warfare. My machines exist to fill the world with joy, wonder and beauty."
ALVINA
Hm.
AMELIA
Sounds cool!
(SOUND OF THE ORCHESTRA, THE AUDIENCE FALLS SILENT)
(WHISPERS) Oh, oh oh! It's about to start! Candy?
ALVINA
(WHISPERS) Yeah!
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) Here.
(RUSTLE OF SWEETS)
ALVINA
(WHISPERS) Thanks.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
(IN FRENCH) Shhhh! Unbelievable!
(AMELIA AND ALVINA GIGGLE, AS THE MUSIC RISES UP, SO DOES THEIR GIGGLING AND THE SHUSHING FROM THE AUDIENCE AROUND THEM. THEY APOLOGIZE QUIETLY BUT CAN#T STOP GIGGLING. THERE ARE MORE WORDS THROWN AT THEM IN FRENCH, ALTHOUGH HUSHED. WITH SOME EFFORT, THEY MANAGE TO STOP GIGGLING)
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) Enjoy the show.
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) You too!
(THE SOUND OF APPLAUSE)
(THE ORCHESTRA SWELLS UP, PLAYING A GRAND SYMPHONIC VERSION OF THE AMELIA THEME)
INTRO: The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and Sound Direction by Fredrik Baden. Episode 42 - Overture.
MAIN EPISODE I - OPERA HOUSE. END OF THE SHOW.
(THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN)
AMELIA
(SIGHS) What did you think?
ALVINA
Honestly?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
I was expecting the robot to look slightly more sophisticated than the tin man from The Wizard of Oz.
AMELIA
Fair.
ALVINA
And it was about as graceful a three legged elephant on ice skates.
AMELIA
Harsh!
ALVINA
After each pirouette I was scared it was going to topple over!
AMELIA
A robot just doing pirouettes is pretty damn impressive, don't you think?
ALVINA
There were moments when it came this close to crashing into the set!
AMELIA
Yeah, but it didn't.
ALVINA
Did you see how terrified the real dancers looked?
AMELIA
They were sharing the stage with a leaping, spinning, sprinting, lunging piece of machinery, of course they were scared.
ALVINA
I was biting my nails throughout, waiting for an accident!
AMELIA
(EXCITED) I know! It was exciting, right?
ALVINA
Ballet isn't supposed to be exciting!
AMELIA
Ugh! You have to accept it for what it was.
ALVINA
You mean a cheap fairground thrill?
AMELIA
How can you even judge! You were staring at the ceiling half the time.
ALVINA
Yep, looking at proper art.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) It's an impressive ceiling.
ALVINA
Painted by Chagall, apparently.
AMELIA
The chandelier isn't bad either.
(BEAT)
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ALVINA
(AFTER A MOMENT) How cool it would be to fake someone's death by plummeting chandelier?
AMELIA
Yup.
(A PAUSE. THEY BOTH SIGH)
ALVINA
I miss the office. I miss the case files. I miss the good old quiet days of just faking deaths, crafting new identities and then all going out for ice-cream to celebrate a hard day's work. I want to get back to normal Amelia.
(WE HEAR STEPS)
AMELIA
So do I.
(BEAT)
We just have to find him, and we'll get the office up and running again.
ALVINA
We'll have to start from scratch.
AMELIA
Well we can't go back to Britain, that's for sure.
ALVINA
We've lost all our contacts and case files.
AMELIA (GROANS)
(ANNOYED) The case files will be in the hands of MI5.
ALVINA
All of them?
AMELIA
Presumably.
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
(SIGHS) Do you remember the day you showed me how far back the case files go?
AMELIA (CHUCKLES)
And you thought you could categorize all of them? (LAUGHS)
ALVINA
Hey! I got all the way back to the 1920's. (SIGHS SADLY) I guess now I'll never find out what happened before…
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
(CAREFUL) About that. You and I need to talk, Alvina.
ALVINA
You mean... You're going to let me in on more secrets?
AMELIA
There are things I think you should know.
ALVINA
What... kind of things...?
(SUDDENLY A MAN WALKS UP AND ADDRESSES THEM, TAKING THEM BY SURPRISE. HE TALKS VERY SOFTLY AND HUSHED)
HIROSHI
Hello. Sorry, but, may I interrupt?
AMELIA
Oh, uh, hello.
HIROSHI
I'm Hiroshi.
AMELIA
Hiroshi Sugiura?
HIROSHI
Yes.
AMELIA
The engineer?
HIROSHI
Yes…
AMELIA
That was your robot on stage?
HIROSHI
Well... yes.
AMELIA
Delighted to meet you!
HIROSHI
Listen, ug, I, um, couldn't help overhearing your conversation and-
ALVINA
(EMBARRASSED) Oh, I'm so sorry Mr Sugiura! I didn't mean what I just said, I-
HIROSHI
Are you Amelia and Alvina?
(BEAT.)
ALVINA
(CONFUSED) Uh...
AMELIA
(CAREFUL) We are.
HIROSHI
Then you have to come with me.
AMELIA
(SURPRISED) Where to?
HIROSHI
Backstage. Follow me. Please be quick.
(HIROSHI STARTS WALKING AND AMELIA AND ALVINA TRY TO KEEP UP. THEY CROSS THE BUSY FOYER)
ALVINA
(WHISPERING) You think I've offended him?
AMELIA
Yup. I think he's taking you to apologize to the robot.
HIROSHI
Through here.
(THEY PASS THROUGH A DOOR, TAKING THEM TO A BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR. THE DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE HUBBUB OF THE FOYER.)
ALVINA
(STAMMERS) I really didn't mean that thing about a cheap fairground thrill...
HIROSHI
(SIGHS) Don't worry. I agree with you.
ALVINA
You... you do?
HIROSHI
I'm sorry you had to witness that. It was… It was embarrassing.
AMELIA
Don't be so hard on yourself! I thought it was very impressive. I never thought I'd see a robot perform an arabesque.
HIROSHI
(EXHAUSTED) What you just saw was a mockery. It had nothing to do with technical ingenuity.
AMELIA
Spoken like a true perfectionist! I'm sure you'll be able to iron out the slight wobble after the pirouettes and-
HIROSHI
(EXASPERATED) I told him to go easy on the pirouettes, but he knew you were in the audience and couldn't resist showing off! Idiot!
ALVINA
Um... he?
HIROSHI
This is his dressing room.
AMELIA
(DOUBTFUL) You mean the robot's?
HIROSHI
I mean … your friend's.
(HIROSHI OPENS THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR)
ALVINA
No way.
HIROSHI
Yes, In- in you go.
(THEY ENTER THE DRESSING ROOM AND HIROSHI CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.)
AMELIA
Are you telling me C-3PO over there is-
INTERVIEWER
(HIS VOICE COMES FROM DEEP INSIDE THE METAL CASING) Amelia? Alvina?
(AUDIBLE GASPS BY AMELIA AND ALVINA, THEN LAUGHTER)
AMELIA
(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, fry me like a doughnut!
ALVINA
It's you?!
INTERVIEWER
It's me!
(LAUGHTER BY ALL THREE OF THEM, EXCITED, RELIVED, SURPRISED)
ALVINA
(EXCITED) It's him! It's him! It’s him, it's him, it's him!
AMELIA
(INCREDULOUS) It's him!
ALVINA
Can I hug you? It's just...
INTERVIEWER
Yes of course, of course, of course! (EXCITED INTERVIEWER SOUNDS DROWNING OUT WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAYS) I’m so excited, oh!
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS HER INTO AN AWKWARD HUG WITH LOTS OF CLANKING AND ALVINA TRYING TO ADJUST AND ESPECIALLY BREATHE )
ALVINA
(STILL LAUGHING)
AMELIA
This isn't quite how I was imagining our reunion...
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Yes, this is just how I thought it would be!
INTERVIEWER
Get in here Amelia!
AMELIA
Oh, oh - no, no thank you, I, uh,no-
(MORE CLANKING AS AMELIA GETS ROBOT-HUGGED BY FORCE. SHE STRUGGLES)
AMELIA
Can’t breathe! Can’t breathe!
(HE LETS THEM GO, AMELIA CAN BREATHE AGAIN. THEY ALL CALM DOWN A LITTLE)
INTERVIEWER
Now, first things first - what did you think of my pas de chat?
AMELIA
Alvina wasn't impressed, she-
INTERVIEWER
What?! You try a pas de chat with your arms and legs cased in metal! I mean, really?
ALVINA
(HASTILY) Under the circumstances it was...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA (CON’T)
...heroic. How can you even walk in that thing?
(METALLIC CLANKING AS THE INTERVIEWER PERFORMS SOME MOVES)
INTERVIEWER
One two three four and... Assemblé! Tour en l'air... Plié... Croisé... Attitude... and Grande Jeté!
(HE LEAPS ACROSS THE DRESSING ROOM. AMELIA, ALVINA AND HIROSHI DUCK AND GASP AND LAUGH. THEN WE HEAR A CRASH! THE INTERVIEWER PICKS HIMSELF UP FROM THE FLOOR)
Ouch. Not to worry. It'll be perfect by the time we get to La Scala. Yes. Practice practice practice...
HIROSHI
La Scala? No! We have to get out of here!
ALVINA
Impressive as your ballet skills may be, don't you think it's time to get back to your real job?
INTERVIEWER
Of course. I just wanted to see that look on Hiroshi's face. (LAUGHS)
HIROSHI (LONG-SUFFERING SIGH)
(GRAVELY) I have to build something to atone for having made such a mockery of robotic art.
INTERVIEWER
Hey!
HIROSHI
But I'm done with performing arts. I never want to set foot in another opera house again.
INTERVIEWER
The audience loved me!
HIROSHI (CON’T)
Ooh! Since we're in France... Maybe I should try the culinary arts? I'll create the first robot ever to be awarded a Michelin star!
ALVINA
It's settled. Let's all get back to our day jobs.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
HIROSHI
(GRIMLY) We have to get out of here first.
AMELIA
What's stopping us?
HIROSHI
About a dozen Russian secret service agents.
AMELIA
Ah.
HIROSHI
(SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH) Stage door is better protected than Fort Knox.
AMELIA
And you told us to come backstage? Smart.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don't worry Amelia. I have a plan.
AMELIA
Of course you do.
(BEAT.)
Well, let's hear it.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm. They're rehearsing the Nutcracker in the Chauviré Studio just down the corridor.
AMELIA
Ok...
INTERVIEWER
The rehearsal finishes in fifteen minutes, but Hiroshi bolted the door shut. We'll pose as the cast and-
ALVINA
We'll pose as the cast?
INTERVIEWER
I managed to sneak into the costume department and got quite the haul. Three zip bags full. Look.
(HE UNZIPS A BAG, REACHES INSIDE AND PULLS OUT A DRESS)
AMELIA
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
Your costume.
AMELIA
You're kidding.
INTERVIEWER
You'll be the Sugar Plum Fairy.
AMELIA
You're not.
ALVINA
(EXCITED) What am I going to be?
INTERVIEWER
You're going to be... (HE RUMMAGES AROUND AND BUILDS UP THE EXCITEMENT) You’re going to be... (...AND PULLS OUT A BULKY COSTUME) the Mouse King!
ALVINA
(GRIMLY) Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
(NOT GETTING THE SARCASM) I know! Hiroshi will be a Harlequin and I'll be Herr Drosselmeyer. Hiroshi, you better start removing my cladding.
HIROSHI
I'm on it.
(HIROSHI OPENS HIS TOOLBOX)
Okay. Hold still, hold still.
AMELIA
Do we have to learn how to dance?
INTERVIEWER
Not necessary. Though a little more grace in your movements wouldn't hurt.
(AMELIA SCOFFS)
HIROSHI
Watch- watch your head.
(HIROSHI STARTS DRILLING, REMOVING SCREWS FROM THE ROBOT CLADDING. WE KEEP HEARING THAT IN THE BACKGROUND)
ALVINA
How does dressing up as characters from the Nutcracker get us out of here?
HIROSHI
(QUIETLY) Turn this way, turn this way- okay.
INTERVIEWER
Paris Match is doing a feature on the new production of The Nutcracker.
HIROSHI
Lift your arm.
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
A photographer is waiting at the stage door. He'll take us to Place de l'Opéra and take pictures of us on the steps.
ALVINA
So - we're starting our new life as an underground organisation in a new city by having our faces splashed across the papers? Great.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you'd be excited! It's Paris Match! I haven't been featured in Paris Match since-
AMELIA
Then what? After the photos outside the opera?
HIROSHI
Other way please.
INTERVIEWER
We leg it down to the metro, take line 3 to Saint Lazare, change to line 12 and get off at Pigalle. I know a place in Monmarte where we can lie low. Well come on! Get into your costumes!
(AMELIA AND ALVINA GROAN AND START GETTING CHANGED. HIROSHI KEEPS REMOVING THE CLADDING.)
INTERVIEWER
Come on! Get a move on!
ALVINA
What is this fabric… Ugh…
AD BREAK
MAIN EPISODE PART II - BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM
AMELIA (THROUGH GROANING AND GASPING)
This dress is... tight...
ALVINA
(FLATLY) A mouse head? Honestly...?
AMELIA
(STRAINED) You look more like a rat really...
ALVINA
Just what I wanted to hear.
(AMELIA HUMS IN AGREEMENT)
HIROSHI
Okay, careful, one more...
(A PIECE OF METAL FALLS TO THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Ah, I can move my arms again!
HIROSHI
Turn about… A quarter turn to your right.
AMELIA
(STRAINED) Would you mind buttoning me up Alvina?
ALVINA
Sure.
HIROSHI
Alright, can you move your ankle? Yeah, like that, thank you.
AMELIA
Ugh, this is too tight!
(AMELIA GROANS AND ALVINA SIGHS)
HIROSHI (IN THE BACKGROUND)
Alright, the right leg please? No, stand it- thank you, thank you.
ALVINA
This costume is scratchy.
HIROSHI
Bend forward please? Just that piece…
INTERVIEWER
My legs! I have my legs back!
HIROSHI
Okay, brace yourself, this will be loud!
(WHIR OF THE DRILL, THEN THE SOUND OF METAL ON METAL)
There we go!
INTERVIEWER
(HIS VOICE SOUNDS NORMAL AGAIN) Ah! It's nice to have my peripheral vision back. (LAUGHS) Oh, Alvina, Amelia, (LAUGHS MORE) may I just say, those costumes really suit you!
AMELIA AND ALVINA
(LAUGH DESPITE THEMSELVES)
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. THEY ALL FALL SILENT IMMEDIATELY)
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) Who is that?
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(THE DOOR HANDLE IS TURNED, BUT THE DOOR IS LOCKED. THEY ALL GASP, HIROSHI SHUSHES THEM)
BORIS
Why is it locked?
HIROSHI
(NERVOUSLY) Boris?
BORIS
Let me in!
HIROSHI
Huh, I... I can't open the door right now.
BORIS
Why not?
HIROSHI
(NERVOUS) Ivana is getting changed.
BORIS
She's a robot.
HIROSHI
(WEAKLY) She- she still has a right to privacy.
BORIS
Well you've got two minutes to get her looking her best!
HIROSHI
But- Two minutes... Why...
BORIS
Mikahil was in the audience tonight.
(HIROSHI TRIES NOT TO PANIC)
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) Oh shit.
HIROSHI
(SCARED) Mikahil.
BORIS
Mikhail wants to inspect Ivana for himself.
ALVINA
(WHISPERS) Who's Mikhail?
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) He makes Al Capone look like a saint.
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) How right you are… Hey, wait... How do you know?
AMELIA
Shhhhh!
BORIS
Come on Hiroshi! Mikhail demands to see Ivana!
HIROSHI
Uh - It's not really a good time... I'm recharging her batteries and oiling her axles...
BORIS
Here he comes...
(A PAIR OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHES AND STOPS OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM)
BORIS
(IN RUSSIAN) Mikhail. The ballerina is ready for you. (IN ENGLISH) Hiroshi? Mikhail is here. Now open up!
(HE STARTS RATTLING ON THE DOOR)
HIROSHI
(DESPERATELY) What do we do?
INTERVIEWER
Through the window! We can jump onto the roof of the Zambelli Studio.
BORIS
Hiroshi? Hiroshi!
(HE CONTINUES CALLING FOR HIM IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE RATTLING THE DOOR, GETTING MORE DEMANDING AND LOUDER)
ALVINA (TEARING OPEN THE CURTAIN AND WINDOW)
It's quite a drop.
AMELIA (GRABS THE BAG)
Throw the remaining costumes down. It'll give us a softer landing.
ALVINA
Okay!
(THEY THROW THE REST OF THE COSTUMES OUT THE WINDOW, WE HEAR SOUNDS OF GASPING AND GRUNTING WHILE BORIS HAMMERS ON THE DOOR)
AMELIA
Go!
(AMELIA, ALVINA, HIROSHI AND THE INTERVIEWER JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW.THEY LAND WITH A SOFT THUD ON THE ROOF BELOW. AMELIA GROANS IN PAIN)
OUTSIDE THE OPERA HOUSE
(WE HEAR WIND, MAYBE CARS)
ALVINA
Huh. That wasn't actually too bad.
AMELIA
(IN PAIN) Speak for yourself. You're wearing a padded mouse suit.
INTERVIEWER
Oh look! 11pm on the dot! (CHUCKLES) We made it just in time to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle. What a view!
HIROSHI
(HIGH-PITCHED) The- the view? It's no time for sightseeing!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you're wrong Hiroshi.
HIROSHI
Excuse me?!
INTERVIEWER
This is the perfect time for sightseeing.
HIROSHI
What-
INTERVIEWER
Haven't you ever wanted to see the Paris Opera catacombs?
HIROSHI
(EXASPERATED) We can’t see the catacombs if we’re dead?
ALVINA
They really exist? I thought that was just a myth?
(WE HEAR BORIS YELLING IN RUSSIAN FROM THE WINDOW ABOVE)
INTERVIEWER
This way! Quick!
(AMELIA, ALVINA, HIROSHI AND THE INTERVIEWER SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF WHILE WE STILL HEAR BORIS IN THE BACKGROUND)
INTERVIEWER
Here we are.
HIROSHI
Careful!
INTERVIEWER
Ready for another jump?
HIROSHI
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Down to that balcony. Ready?
(EVERYONE AGREES WITH VARIOUS OUT-OF-BREATH MUMBLES. AMELIA GROANS)
INTERVIEWER
One, two, three!
(THEY JUMP DOWN TO THE NEXT LEVEL. AMELIA GROANS AGAIN, HEAVY BREATHING. FAINT PIANO MUSIC)
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERING) We're outside the second floor rehearsal room. That door over there leads to the prop department, but I doubt there will be anyone working there this time of night.
(HE TRIES THE DOOR. IT OPENS. HE POKES HIS HEAD INSIDE)
All clear. Right. In we go.
(THEY ENTER THE PROP DEPARTMENT. AMELIA IS BAFFLED. THEIR VOICES NOW HAVE A FAINT RESOUND)
AMELIA
(EXCITED) Look at all those swords!
(THE INTERVIEWER HUFFS A LAUGH)
ALVINA
Look at that Guillotine!
INTERVIEWER
Not very realistic. The rope is far too thin. Oh and look at this! All wrong!
AMELIA
Is that a chokuto sword?
(AMELIA GOES TO INVESTIGATE THE SWORD)
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
The rope should be tied to the top of the mouton like so... (FIDDLES AND RETIES THE ROPE) Then run through the hole in the upper crossbar…
AMELIA
(SQUEALING) It is!
(AMELIA TAKES THE SWORD AND SWISHES IT THROUGH THE AIR)
ALVINA
Guys! Don't you think we should be...
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
(DISTRACTED) ...through the rings...
AMELIA
(STILL SWISHING THE SWORD) This is so cool!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
(DISTRACTED) ...Wrapped around the déclic like so... There! That's better! Now, if someone severed the rope-
AMELIA
May I?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it, Amelia!
(AMELIA SLICES THROUGH THE ROPE AND THE BLADE FALLS WITH A HEAVY CUT)
INTERVIEWER
(SATISFIED) Bravo.
ALVINA
Ok, very impressive. Now let's put away the sword, and-
AMELIA
What? No! I've always wanted one of these. I'm taking it.
ALVINA
Uh. You don't think wandering around Paris with a ninth century Japanese sword might look a tad suspicions?
AMELIA
Uh, I'm covered in sequins and you're dressed as a rat.
ALVINA
Mouse.
AMELIA
My point is that we're going to stand out like a fly on a wedding cake anyway. At least the sword might deter any troublemakers.
HIROSHI
Where do we go next?
INTERVIEWER
Down that staircase.
HIROSHI
Right.
INTERVIEWER
It will be dark. Alvina, take that candelabra.
ALVINA
Ok...
INTERVIEWER
Are there any matches?
ALVINA
Uh, yes, here.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Excellent.
(STRIKE OF A MATCH AS THE CANDELABRA IS LIT)
Now follow me.
(THEY DESCEND THE STAIRCASE. STEPS. A DOOR OPENS WITH A SQUEAK. MORE STEPS)
ALVINA
Why do you know this building so well?
INTERVIEWER
I've told you many times Alvina, I once sang Pagliacci here.
ALVINA
I thought that was a fib!
INTERVIEWER
(SLIGHTLY OFFENDED) Well you may want to reconsider.
ALVINA
Did you know about this Amelia?
AMELIA
This isn't the time Alvina. We have to focus on getting out of here.
(THEY REACH THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE HEAVY WOODEN DOOR AND THEY STEP INTO A CAVERNOUS SPACE)
INTERVIEWER
Welcome to the catacombs.
(SURPRISED INTAKES OF BREATH)
HIROSHI
Wow! There's even an underground lake.
INTERVIEWER
When the foundation was built in 1862, they dug too deep and hit on water. They incorporated a cistern into the design to redistribute the groundwater and relieve the water pressure on the basement walls.
Nowadays it's used to train firefighters to swim and row in the dark, but otherwise it's strictly off limits. Most people don't even know it exists.
ALVINA
So this is where we're going to lie low?
INTERVIEWER
Gosh no. No, we shouldn't stay here longer than necessary. Victims of the Paris Commune are buried here and their souls still roam the tunnels. They don't like to be disturbed.
HIROSHI
He's- he’s joking right?
ALVINA
I'm starting to find it difficult to tell...
INTERVIEWER
We're going to use one of the firefighters' boats.
AMELIA
We're rowing across the lake?
INTERVIEWER
To the western wall of the cistern, yes.
ALVINA
Let's just hope we get there before the candles burn down.
(THEY STEP INTO A BOAT. SOFT SOUNDS OF WATER)
INTERVIEWER
Hiroshi, do you mind rowing?
HIROSHI
Certainly. Yeah, give here… Alright…
(HIROSHI PUSHES THE BOAT AWAY FROM THE EDGE WITH AN OAR AND STARTS ROWING. WE HEAR THE WATER ON THE OARS WHILE THE INTERVIEWER TALKS. HIS VOICE SOUNDS OMINOUS)
INTERVIEWER
Somewhere along the western wall there are rungs leading up a drain pipe. If we clamber up, we'll reach a manhole that gets us onto Rue Scribe. Monmartre is a twenty five minute walk away. Are you alright Alvina?
ALVINA
Oh... Yes, I... (CHUCKLING) I was just thinking how a moment ago Amelia and I were sat on red velvet chairs admiring the crystal chandeliers.
(BEAT)
(FLATLY) Now I'm in the sewers dressed as a rat.
AMELIA
(IN THOUGHT) And who knows what tomorrow will bring...
INTERVIEWER
(STARTS HUMMING)
ALVINA
Wow... The acoustics down here are amazing.
INTERVIEWER
Join me.
(ALVINA JOINS IN, HUMMING A HARMONY. IT ECHOES OFF THE WALLS, EERIE AND BEAUTIFUL. HIROSHI JOINS IN, THEN AMELIA.)
(THEY ROW INTO THE DISTANCE. THEIR HUMMING ENDS. WATER ON THE OARS, GETTING QUIETER. THEN - OUTRO MUSIC)
CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first an announcement.
As mentioned at the beginning, we are making a brand new miniseries that chronicles Alvina’s arrival at the Amelia Project. There are so many stories we want to tell about how she first met The Interviewer and adapted to office life, and we don’t always have the time for that in the regular series, so every second week, between each regular episode, we’ll be releasing The Alvina Archives, audio minisodes that will be available by supporting us on Patreon, from just $5. So if you don’t want a single week to go by without Amelia, and if you want to help fund the show, go to ameliapodcast.com, click on support the show, become a patron, and get the first Alvina Archives episode entitled “The Maltese Falcon” next Friday. That’s ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.
Epilogue coming up after the credits.
This episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager with sound design by Fredrik Baden and Dominic Hargreaves and music by Fredrik Baden. It featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Eli Hamada Mcilveen as Hiroshi, Andrei Zayats as Boris and Patreon cameos by Stéphane Gérard and Vincent Zuresco.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Thank you to our wonderful patrons who make all this possible, and a special shoutout to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie Harris, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Leferman, Elizabeth Curry, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui and IamTrash.
Next episode in two weeks time, or if you’re a patron, next week!
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
WE’RE BACK IN TIME TO SHORTLY AFTER ALVINA STARTED WORKING FOR THE AMELIA PROJECT.
(ALVINA GOES TO SEE AMELIA IN HER OFFICE. SHE WANTS TO SORT THROUGH THE CASE FILES AND ORDER THEM CHRONOLOGICALLY)
ALVINA
Eighty-odd years worth of case files is going to take some time, but... if I start now, I might finish up before Christmas.
AMELIA
Alvina, how long have you been working here now?
ALVINA
Um. I think it's been... Just over a year?
Amelia
Right. I think it’s time we let you in on a little secret.
(OMINOUS AMELIA BACKGROUND MUSIC - GUITAR)
Follow me.
(AMELIA LEAVES THE OFFICE AND ALVINA FOLLOWS. STEPS)
ALVINA
Where are we going?
(THEY DESCEND SOME STAIRS. ALVINA GETS MORE AND MORE NERVOUS)
We're going to Kozlowski's basement?
(THEY CONTINUE WALKING. A DOOR FALLS SHUT. A KEY)
Uhm… Oh. I didn't know there were more rooms down here...
(AMELIA LEADS ALVINA THROUGH A DOOR AND STOPS)
(CONFUSED) Oh… Uh… What’s all this?
AMELIA
(MATTER-OF-FACT) Case files.
ALVINA
(BAFFLED) In all the boxes?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
But there are … dozens of boxes. There must be … thousands of case files down here!
AMELIA
There are two more rooms.
ALVINA
What?!
AMELIA
Not as big as this room, but still -
ALVINA (INTERRUPTING)
That box says 1805! 1794! 1442?!
AMELIA
You’re not going to get through these before Christmas. Several people have tried organizing them before. All have failed. I suggest you give up.
ALVINA
I...
AMELIA
But, should you decide to give it a go, please be careful. Some of these boxes contain Papyrus.
ALVINA
Papyrus? Uh. How... old is this company?!
(BEAT.)
AMELIA
(FLATLY) Old.
ALVINA
I thought your grandmother founded it…?
AMELIA
She didn’t. She just gave us a new name. And shook things up a little.
ALVINA
Huh. So, how long has he - you know who - worked for the company?
AMELIA
A few years.
Alvina
Listen, not knowing his name is getting a bit old. I know you’ve told me to just refer to him as “the Interviewer” when I talk to clients, but it’s so awkward not to have a name to use when I’m talking to you or Kozlowski.
AMELIA
I told you when you started: The Amelia Project has a lot of secrets. You won’t get to know them all at once.
ALVINA
Still. Referring to someone by their job title is... weird.
AMELIA
You can call him Arthur.
ALVINA
Arthur.
AMELIA
It’s his middle name. “The Interviewer” is more like his... rank. Or code name.
ALVINA
(INTRIGUED) Like double-o-seven! Or The Phantom!
AMELIA
Exactly.
ALVINA
So there have been other interviewers before Arthur? (CHUCKLES) For a second there I almost thought he was immortal or something!
(AMELIA AND ALVINA LAUGH BUT AMELIA SOBERS UP IMMEDIATELY)
AMELIA
Well, it can seem like that sometimes can’t it? He does struggle to keep up with the times, but he’s as mortal as you and I.
ALVINA
I know - I’m being silly. (CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
Don’t worry about it.
(BEAT.)
So. Do you still want to organize these case files?
ALVINA
(HESITANT) I... (CONFIDENT) I'd like to try!
AMELIA
Very well. Good luck.
(AMELIA WALKS OFF)
END OF EPISODE.