EPISODE 43 - FAITH GRIFFITH PIP Hubble bubble toil and trouble, today’s episode is dedicated to Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, who we will make disappear in a boiling cauldron of cocoa and bring back as a werewolf prowling around Luke Dougal’s hellpark. As you may have noticed, we’re getting into the Halloween spirit over here at Amelia HQ, and this is also somewhat reflected in the theme of today’s episode. Thank you all so much for listening, and if we could ask you for a little favour, it would mean an awful lot to us if you could recommend the show to others you think might enjoy it. You can do so on social media, or by leaving us a review on your podcast app or simply by word of mouth, but recommendations are the best way to reach new listeners. Anyway, hope you enjoy this episode while you’re carving your pumpkin or preparing your costume or simply indulging in a nice warm beverage. Enjoy. PROLOGUE AMELIA (ANSWERPHONE-VOICE, REHEARSED, IT’S NOT THE SAME MESSAGE WE KNOW FROM PREVIOUS SEASONS) Congratulations. You have reached The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. If you continue there is no return. (PAUSE) Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us. If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. (CLICK) AMELIA Ugh. How was that? ALVINA I think that’s as close to the old answerphone message as we’re going to get. AMELIA Thank goodness, that's the eleventh version we've recorded, isn't it? ALVINA Thirteenth. AMELIA Let's settle for that one, then. ALVINA Righty-ho. I'll save it. AMELIA Have you spread the number around? ALVINA I have. I have been leaving stickers with our telephone number in public toilets and metro stations across the city - AMELIA There's a difference? ALVINA Sorry? AMELIA The metro stations here stink of piss. ALVINA They do. They also have really lovely entrances and are covered in pretty white tiles. AMELIA Fair. ALVINA I've scribbled our number onto beer coasters at every brasserie near the Élysée Palace. There are bound to be diplomats and foreign dignitaries passing through there... AMELIA Hmm. After what we've just been through in Panaragua I was hoping we could get away from politics for a bit... ALVINA Ah, I don't think we can afford to be picky just yet. AMELIA (SIGHS DEEPLY) You're right. ALVINA I slipped some business cards into the pockets of haute couture suits at the Chanel store on Rue Cambon and hid a few between the pages of self help books at The American Library. I wanted to head to the Louvre and the jazz bars around Jardin Luxembourg today. AMELIA You're being thorough as usual. Good work, Alvina. ALVINA I'm trying. But it’s going to take a while before we’re back in busine- (SHE GETS INTERRUPTED AS THE PHONE RINGS. ALVINA LAUGHS IN SURPRISE) AMELIA (CAUTIOUS) It's probably just someone selling something. How is your French, Alvina? ALVINA Uh… Let’s let it go to answerphone. (A LOUD BEEP) Faith Griffith (ON THE ANSWER PHONE. AN OLD VOICE WITH A SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hello there. I need your assistance right this minute. He’s comin’ for me. But I damn well not gonna let him take my soul. And you’re gonna help me stop him. (BEEP) AMELIA (SURPRISED) I guess we’re back in business…? (THE AMELIA THEME) INTRO VOICE The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Episode 43: Faith Griffith. THE INTERVIEW (A PHONE IS PICKED UP) INTERVIEWER Hello? ALVINA (ON THE PHONE) (EXCITED) Did you find it?! INTERVIEWER Find what? ALVINA What I put on your desk! INTERVIEWER (LYING) Uhm... Yes... Yes I did! The... client report! Oh it was right here on my desk. I’m planning to read it as soon as I have- ALVINA Not the client report, the thermos! INTERVIEWER Hm? What thermos? ALVINA The thermos of cocoa! INTERVIEWER (INTRIGUED) Oh...! Um… ALVINA It was the first thing I did when we got here; giving our new location to Les Deux Magots! The first batch arrived this morning. INTERVIEWER Oh, yes, I can see it. ALVINA And? How is it? INTERVIEWER I will try it right away! (THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE THERMOS CONTENTLY AND POURS) Ooh! It’s hot! ALVINA Wait a minute... Where did you say you found the client report? INTERVIEWER On my... desk? ALVINA I didn’t leave the report on your desk. I put it where we agreed I would put them. INTERVIEWER Ah, the- the bookshelf? ALVINA No. INTERVIEWER The windowsill? ALVINA No. INTERVIEWER The... mantlepiece! It was right there in front of me on the mantelpiece! ALVINA There is no mantlepiece in your new office. INTERVIEWER (STUTTERING) Ehm... No, no, not the mantlepiece, then… I mean it… Doesn’t matter where I found it, Alvina! I have it right here in front of me, I am looking at- ALVINA You didn’t even look for it, did you? (SCRAPING OF A MUG) INTERVIEWER You, you know - This cocoa is so hot I need to blow on it! (THE INTERVIEWER BLOWS ON THE COCOA, HUMS IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT) ALVINA (UPSET) It’s your first client in a new city, I thought maybe for once you’d read my report! Argh, why do I fool myself? INTERVIEWER (WHILE HE RANSACKS HIS DESK) Alvina, Alvina relax! I did find the client report. I have it right here in front of me. I’m looking at it right now! ALVINA (DOUBTFUL) Are you? INTERVIEWER Of course. ALVINA Okay. Then read it out to me. INTERVIEWER Ehm... Read it out? Yes, of course, I can read it out… Just... (TO HIMSELF AS HE KEEPS RUMMAGING ABOUT LOUDLY) Where is it, where is it...!? ALVINA (SMUGLY) You have no idea where it is. INTERVIEWER (UPSET TOO NOW) Okay, fine, I don’t know where it is, but that’s because I can’t find anything in this new office! I mean, the layout is all wrong, the window is in the wrong place, there are seven steps across, not six and - ALVINA But we’ve got a new office! It’s in a great location, now why can’t you just be happy? INTERVIEWER (SAD) Because back in London I knew where everything was! ALVINA Eh… No you didn’t. INTERVIEWER (TRYING TO CHANGE THE TOPIC) So, where did you put the report? ALVINA (SLOWLY) In the top drawer. Like I said I would. INTERVIEWER (DISBELIEVING) The top drawer? It’s not in the top drawer, I would know if it was in the top- (HE OPENS THE DRAWER, PULLING OUT A PIECE OF PAPER) Ah, there it is! Top drawer. ALVINA You know what, I’m getting very good at rolling my eyes. Now read it to me. INTERVIEWER Oh co- But I’ve actually got it this time! ALVINA But I won’t believe it until you read it out to me! INTERVIEWER (GROANS) “Client report for client number - “ (THE WHIRR OF ELECTRICITY AS THE POWER GOES OUT. THE LIGHTS TOO) Eh… what…? Eh... Alvina? You might not believe this, but the lights just went out. I can’t see a thing ALVINA (LAUGHS) Of course you can’t. INTERVIEWER I swear, I have the report right here but- ALVINA Ugh, I give up. I have to go anyway. I’m having dinner with an undertaker I'm hoping can supply us with replacement corpses. I doubt he can deliver at the rate Walter did, but... we do need corpses. (ALVINA HANGS UP. THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS. HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN BUT IT TAKES A BIT, THEN HE POURS AND SIPS MORE COCOA, JUST TO SIGH SADLY. THEN: THE OFFICE DOOR OPENS WITH A CREAKING NOISE) INTERVIEWER Hello? (STEPS, SHIVERING) Who’s there? (JUST A FAINT SIGH, A RAGGED BREATH) Amelia, is that you? (HE LOOKS THROUGH ALL HIS DRAWERS AGAIN) Matches... Matches...! (THE INTERVIEWER RUMMAGES ABOUT, SOMETHING BREAKS) (ANNOYED) Oh, I can’t see a thing in this darkness! (ANOTHER RAGGED BREATH FROM FAITH, LOUDER THIS TIME) (SLIGHTLY SCARED) Hello?! Is someone there? (NO ANSWER) (HIGH-PITCHED, HE DOES NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS) Oh, no, no - must be the wind... Ah, here we go! (A MATCH IS STRUCK) INTERVIEWER Ahhhh! (HE SCREAMS AND FLINCHES BACK) Who the devil are you?! FAITH GRIFFITH (OUT OF BREATH) He’s comin’ for me! (HOWLING WIND) INTERVIEWER Who is coming for you? (THE MATCH GOES OUT, FAITH GROANS) Ah, damn matches! FAITH GRIFFITH May I sit down first? The stairs... INTERVIEWER Oh, uhm, of course. There should be a chair somewhere, Mrs... (SCRAPING OF A CHAIR. THE INTERVIEWER TRIES TO FIND A CHAIR, LOTS OF BUMPING AND FALLING) ...wasn’t so dark- (ANOTHER BUMP) Ow, my toe! (HEAVY BREATHING FROM FAITH) Is, is that it? Have you got it? FAITH GRIFFITH Thank you. It’s Griffith. Faith Griffith. And it’s Miss. INTERVIEWER (SITTING DOWN AGAIN) Oh, well. Pleasure to meet you, Miss Griffith. I am sorry about the darkness. FAITH GRIFFITH No, I’m sorry. (THE INTERVIEWER LIGHTS A CANDLE) INTERVIEWER That’s better. Being hooked up to the grid illegally has it’s advantages, but when something happens, the local Electricity Board doesn’t exactly come running. Come to think of it, they’re probably on strike anyway - FAITH GRIFFITH There’s nothing wrong with your power lines. This is all my fault. This has been happenin’ to me for days now. At home, at the airport. When the power went out on the plane, I nearly died of fright. INTERVIEWER (SURPRISED SOUND) FAITH GRIFFITH We had to make an emergency landin’. INTERVIEWER That sounds like a nuisance. But why do you think it’s your fault? FAITH GRIFFITH I know it’s my fault. I have brought this on myself. This is his way of warning me, you see. He’s sayin’ my time is up, and he’s ready to claim what’s his. INTERVIEWER Who is? FAITH GRIFFITH Why, the Devil of course! (A BLOW OF WIND) INTERVIEWER (CONFUSED) I beg your pardon? FAITH GRIFFITH Did you not listen to the message I left? INTERVIEWER Uhm... Why don’t you take it from the beginning? FAITH GRIFFITH Why don’t you offer a lady a drink first? INTERVIEWER But of course. Here you go. This thermos just arrived from Les Deux Magots. (HE POURS COCOA) FAITH GRIFFITH Cocoa? I was hoping for something a little bit stronger... INTERVIEWER Oh, but this is powerful stuff. Try some. (FAITH TAKES A SIP) FAITH GRIFFITH It’s gone cold, I’m afraid. INTERVIEWER What? It can’t have. Are you sure? (HE PUTS A FINGER IN THE CUP) INTERVIEWER (GASPS) It’s ice cold! It was warm a second ago! FAITH GRIFFITH Never mind, it’s all right. INTERVIEWER Oh no, it’s not! What the devil is going on here? (BEAT) FAITH GRIFFITH Exactly. (THE INTERVIEWER SHUDDERS) INTERVIEWER Please Miss Griffith, why don’t you tell me your story? FAITH GRIFFITH Hm. Sittin’ here with nothing but candlelight, I guess a scary story would be fittin’... INTERVIEWER (EXCITED) Oh, a ghost story! FAITH GRIFFITH Not quite. Although it’s got all the trimmings. (AFTER EVERY WORD, THE INTERVIEWER GASPS IN EXCITEMENT) Death, fear and the supernatural... INTERVIEWER I can’t wait! FAITH GRIFFITH It all started on my thirteenth birthday. The one thing I wanted most in the whole world was a rabbit. I was gonna call him Mr. White. The day arrives, my Pa comes in carryin’ a ol’ big box. I was so excited... I unwrapped it and open the lid... only to find the poor thing had suffocated. He’d forgotten to punch holes in the wrappin’ paper. INTERVIEWER (HEARTBROKEN) Oh good lord! If that had happened to my pet skunk, I- I mean, I’d be inconsolable! FAITH GRIFFITH My dad tried to help and said God wanted Mr. White by his side, but I wouldn’t have none of it! No no. Now I’d just learned resuscitation at Girl Scouts, so I grabbed Mr. White and gave him the proper treatment. And he came back to life! (THE INTERVIEWER GASPS AGAIN) Now my poor pa... he wasn’t a man of science. What he saw was a genuine miracle. And as a good Christian, he wasn’t gonna keep that from the world. (CHUCKLES) Next thing you know, I’m up there in church, layin’ hands and curin’ ills. I felt bad at first, but if I’m bein’ honest, only for a time. (THE INTERVIEWER HMS) See, people seemed to get what they wanted from me, and me, I was good at it; I could put on a show and have them cryin’ and hollerin’ in the pews. After a while, I had gone past the point of no return, and I just sorta... went with it... Today, I still fill stadiums. INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLES) And empty wallets, no doubt. FAITH GRIFFITH Hm. I’m not gonna lie; I get by. And then some. (SHE LAUGHS) INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLES) It sounds to me it’s not the devil you should worry about, but rather... you know...? FAITH GRIFFITH The IRS? INTERVIEWER Oh, no, no, I meant - (GESTURES) FAITH GRIFFITH Oh, you meant the big man. Well, we do have our differences. However, my troubles with Mr. Beelzebub are more... pressing. The forty years have passed. INTERVIEWER Since what? FAITH GRIFFITH Since I signed this… (CLICK OF A HANDBAG LOCK. RUSTLE OF PAPER) INTERVIEWER (SPEECHLESS FROM EXCITEMENT) Oh go- Is that...?! FAITH GRIFFITH This is a bona fide contract with the Devil. (BEAT.) INTERVIEWER Wow! Are you telling me you have actually sold your soul to the Devil? FAITH GRIFFITH If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. INTERVIEWER But how? When? Where?! FAITH GRIFFITH Shouldn’t you be asking “Why”? INTERVIEWER Oh, yes, of course! Why? FAITH GRIFFITH Well. Showmanship and hokum is all well and good. But when someone you love is about to die... you start wishin’ you could heal people for real. INTERVIEWER May I ask who was dying? FAITH GRIFFITH My stupid Pa. Standin’ in the rain servin’ up soup to the homeless, the old man goes and catches pneumonia. (THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS IN UNDERSTANDING) Being who he was, he didn’t want to see no doctor. He expected me to save ’im. What was I gonna do? Tell him I was a fake? First I thought I should turn to God, ask him to give me the power of healing for real, just this once. But I knew he’d never do that, not the way I’d been misusin’ the Good Lord’s name for years. INTERVIEWER So you turned the other way. FAITH GRIFFITH (SIGHS) My great aunt Thalia told me a story when I was still a child. And now, in my desperation, I did like that story said; on the 6th hour on the 6th day of the 6th month - INTERVIEWER ...June 6th, what am I doing on June 6th... FAITH GRIFFITH (CON’T) - I turn up at that infamous crossroads in Clarksdale, Mississippi. It’s just me, the sunrise... and out of nowhere, a man. INTERVIEWER (EXCITED) What did he look like? FAITH GRIFFITH Honestly, he wasn’t unlike yourself - minus the British accent. INTERVIEWER ...you don’t say? FAITH GRIFFITH But he had hooves for feet. INTERVIEWER Well we can’t all be perfect. Please, go on. FAITH GRIFFITH Well, there isn’t that much more to tell; we spoke for a bit, haggled and then shook - INTERVIEWER Wait, you haggled? FAITH GRIFFITH Well, my daddy didn’t raise no fool; I didn’t want him to just strike me down once I’d signed my name. In the end we agreed on him leavin’ me alone for forty years, plus he’d let me save my pa of course. I signed, went home, laid my hands on daddy’s chest and... (BLOWS GENTLY) Next day, the doctors declared him fit as a fiddle. Got another decade he did. INTERVIEWER That’s quite the tale. But now, forty years have passed, and you’re not so happy about the deal anymore... FAITH GRIFFITH I’m scared of burnin’! INTERVIEWER Hm. Not a fan myself. FAITH GRIFFITH I’ll be knocking on the gates of Hell before long. Unless... INTERVIEWER ...unless what, exactly? FAITH GRIFFITH Unless you fake my death of course! INTERVIEWER Um? (STUTTERS) FAITH GRIFFITH Isn’t that what you do? INTERVIEWER (HESITANT) Of course it is, we’re the best in the business, but how would that possibly help you? FAITH GRIFFITH The way I see it, Old Nick may be clever and all, but he’s got nothin’ on the likes of you and me, if we put our minds to it. Say, if Faith Griffith were to die - spectacularly, of course - but I didn’t die for real, there’d be no soul to take! The devil would have to leave empty handed! And I could live on in my new life. By the way, I want my new name to be Mona Lisa Trueman (CHUCKLES) INTERVIEWER Hold on Miss Griffith. What about when you die for real? FAITH GRIFFITH Then it will be Miss Trueman who dies. And the devil doesn’t own her soul. INTERVIEWER But that’s you? FAITH GRIFFITH (UPSET) It’s not, it’s Mona Lisa Trueman! INTERVIEWER But you are Mona Lisa Trueman! FAITH GRIFFITH I’m not, I’m Faith Griffith! INTERVIEWER You might as well be Alicia Cairn...! FAITH GRIFFITH Alicia Cairn? Who on earth is that? INTERVIEWER Oh, nothing. Just something I used to watch with my niece. (SIGHS SADLY) Lorraine... FAITH GRIFFITH (PROPERLY CONFUSED) What? INTERVIEWER Nevermind. You see, I’ve had almost this exact argument before. But this time, a brain swap isn’t going to cut it! FAITH GRIFFITH Brain swap...? INTERVIEWER Miss Griffith, you can call yourself whatever you want. You can be Miss Clutterbuck or Miss Goody-two-shoes or Miss Hickinbottom, it won’t matter. You will still have the same soul! FAITH GRIFFITH But... INTERVIEWER By your logic, all you need to do is legally change your name! I’m certain the devil isn’t that easily fooled. FAITH GRIFFITH But this has to work! It simply has to! INTERVIEWER (SOFTLY) Well, it won’t. FAITH GRIFFITH (UPSET) I’m not having it! (SHE HITS THE TABLE WITH HER FIST) INTERVIEWER (FRUSTRATED) This isn’t like punching holes in Mr. White’s wrapping paper, Miss Griffith. It’s more complicated than that. FAITH GRIFFITH Well, if you can’t help me...! (FAITH GETS UP TO LEAVE. STEPS. THE TAPPING OF HER CANE) INTERVIEWER Now, now, that’s not what I said. FAITH GRIFFITH Uhm… no, you can help me? INTERVIEWER That’s not what I said either. What I’m saying is, I do love a challenge. And this is about as challenging as it gets. I’ll take your case - (DOOR SLAMS LOUDLY) FAITH GRIFFITH Oh my goodness! INTERVIEWER Don’t worry - it was just the door slamming... uh… shut. FAITH GRIFFITH U, well - does it do that a lot? INTERVIEWER Now that you mention it, not a whole lot. Still, I suppose - (A VASE FALLS OVER AND BREAKS) FAITH GRIFFITH That’s not a draught - he’s coming for me! INTERVIEWER Let me look at that contract. (THE INTERVIEWER GRABS THE CONTRACT. A WIND PICKS UP, BLOWING THROUGH THE CORRIDORS) FAITH GRIFFITH Are you sure this is a time for readin’? Where’s the nearest church?! (FAITH HEADS FOR THE DOOR) INTERVIEWER (DISTRACTED) The Sacré-Cœur isn't open this time of night. Now, let’s see... “Contract between Faith Griffith and Lucifer, Morning Star...” (THE DOOR LOCKS BY ITSELF. FAITH PULLS AT IT, SOUNDS OF STRUGGLING FROM HER) FAITH GRIFFITH The door is locked! We can’t get out! INTERVIEWER (SING-SONG) Just a moment, I’m reading, “Valid in all universes and dimensions”, blah, blah, blah… (THE DOORS AND WINDOWS START OPENING AND SHUTTING MAKING A HELL OF A NOISE) FAITH GRIFFITH (SCREAMS) Now the door is trying to kill me! (LOUD DOOR-BANGING) INTERVIEWER (INTERESTED SOUNDS) Hm... “...shall surrender her soul upon her natural death”. Mhm... (THE WIND PICKS UP INSIDE THE OFFICE. PAPERS START FLYING ABOUT, THE DOOR KEEPS BANGING AND FAITH SCREAMS) FAITH GRIFFITH Help! Help me! INTERVIEWER Reading! (EVERYTHING IS CRASHING AND BREAKING AROUND THEM) FAITH GRIFFITH Well, hurry up before I die! INTERVIEWER Aha! Of course! I see what he’s doing, this sneaky devil! He’s trying to scare you to death! FAITH GRIFFITH (OVER THE BANGING) What are you talking about?! INTERVIEWER The contract states that he gets your soul upon your natural death! He’s trying to give you a heart attack. That’s why he cut the power on the plane as well. However, if I were to shoot you... (THE INTERVIEWER OPENS UP DRAWERS, RUMMAGES ABOUT AND SLAMS THEM SHUT, LOOKING FOR A GUN) Now where is that Luger... FAITH GRIFFITH What are you doing?! INTERVIEWER It must be here somewhere... FAITH GRIFFITH What is going on?! INTERVIEWER I never should have let Alvina unpack my things, her system doesn’t make any sense! Ah, there it is! In the drawer marked “weapons”... Good lord. That’s where I keep my Maltesers! (THE INTERVIEWER GETS OUT THE GUN) Now, Miss Griffith, close your eyes, this might hurt. (HE COCKS THE GUN) FAITH GRIFFITH (SHRIEKS) What!?! No!!! (IMMEDIATE SILENCE) INTERVIEWER Ah! I thought so. (UNCOCKS THE GUN) FAITH GRIFFITH What. Just. Happened? INTERVIEWER I threatened you with an unnatural death. If I’d shot you, the contract wouldn’t be valid. From now on, whenever you’re about to die... Let’s see, where are they... Ah, here! (HE PUTS AWAY THE GUN AND GETS OUT A VIAL OF TABLETS WHICH HE SHAKES) ...just take one of these. FAITH GRIFFITH What are they? INTERVIEWER Cyanide tablets. FAITH GRIFFITH Uhm…? INTERVIEWER Quick, painful and effective. FAITH GRIFFITH (UNCERTAIN) Uhm... I guess, if you can't run with the big dogs, you should stay under the porch. INTERVIEWER Now, do you mind if I keep this contract? I’m sure at Sotheby’s we’d get quite the price for a genuine - (THE SCRATCHING SOUND OF A NIB PEN ON PAPER) Oh good lord, what is happening now. FAITH GRIFFITH Look! The contract! It’s changin’! INTERVIEWER Well roast my rump and call me bacon! FAITH GRIFFITH It’s rewriting itself! INTERVIEWER Now it says “Faith Griffith shall surrender her soul immediately upon her death, regardless of the cause of her expiration”. Oh blast! FAITH GRIFFITH (DESPERATE) Oh no! If this thing can change like that... INTERVIEWER Quick! Don’t say any more. We shouldn’t be talking about it. Or you’ll end up even worse off than you are now. (SHE FALLS BACK TO HER CHAIR AGAIN) FAITH GRIFFITH I guess that’s it, then. INTERVIEWER (SITTING DOWN AGAIN) I guess it is… FAITH GRIFFITH At least you gave me a brief respite. INTERVIEWER I am sorry. FAITH GRIFFITH Thank you for putting up with me bringing the devil to your doorstep. He nearly wrecked your office, (SYMPATHETIC INTERVIEWER SOUND) yet you haven’t said a word about it... You’ve got the patience of a saint you do! INTERVIEWER I’ve seen wore... Hold on a minute! That’s it! FAITH GRIFFITH What is? INTERVIEWER Sainthood! (BEAT) FAITH GRIFFITH ‘scuse me? INTERVIEWER (EXCITED) We’re going to get you canonized! FAITH GRIFFITH Why? INTERVIEWER Why, because Saints can’t go to hell! FAITH GRIFFITH (ELONGATED) Oooooh! INTERVIEWER Yes! FAITH GRIFFITH But how? INTERVIEWER The normal way. Convincing the Vatican that you are holy! FAITH GRIFFITH But I’m anything but...? INTERVIEWER Oh they don’t need to know that. FAITH GRIFFITH Uhm, so... how does one become a Saint, then? INTERVIEWER Well, in all honesty, it’s quite the paper mill, but don’t worry about that, we’ll leave all of that to Alvina. Of course Sainthood is only awarded posthumously. Which means we have to fake your death after all! (SIGHS) You also need to have performed at least two documented miracles. Now I don’t think the Vatican will accept all the fake ones you’ve done. “The Congregation for the Causes of Saints” tends to be rather skeptical. But you have performed one real miracle... FAITH GRIFFITH (SOUNDS OF PROTEST) But that- that one’s no good! INTERVIEWER Oh? Why not? FAITH GRIFFITH Well, that would be sainthood courtesy of the devil...! INTERVIEWER Well, what the Vatican doesn’t know, eh? (CHUCKLES) Now, when you cured your father, was it documented? FAITH GRIFFITH Sure. There were doctor's reports, articles in the local newspaper... INTERVIEWER Excellent! Now, as for your second miracle, it should happen after your death. We’ll fake that one of course, but that should be easy enough. Oh! What if I were to officiate your funeral, posing as a priest? A timely heart attack will send me careening into your open grave, but - touching your coffin, I’ll immediately bounce back up again, alive and well, praising both you and the Good Lord! Making your coffin lid out of trampoline fabric should do the trick. Oh! There’s a relatively new cardinal who owes us a favour, we can make sure he’s present, he’ll make the perfect eyewitness. FAITH GRIFFITH Oh my, oh my... INTERVIEWER Oh my indeed. That’s sainthood sorted then. As for your death, how would you like that to happen? FAITH GRIFFITH Hmm… Well... It could happen during one of my shows... INTERVIEWER Oh, that’s perfect! Just as you’re laying hands on some poor asthmatic fellow, you fall over from a heart attack. FAITH GRIFFITH Uh-uh. Could it be something a bit more... spectacular? INTERVIEWER Oh nono, I’m not done! All of a sudden there’s a flood of bright lights, and out of nowhere a powerful choir of angels start singing! The crowd sits there, wide eyed and in awe, as your soul is lifted up in a heavenly beam of light, straight into the arms of our Heavenly Father! (FAITH CHEERS) Or in this case, a helicopter whisking you off to wherever you want to go. Now what do you think? FAITH GRIFFITH That is quite the spectacle, even by my standards! INTERVIEWER Oh, no no. Run of the mill. You know, invisible wires, hidden stage lights, a projector making you look all spectral, and top of the line speakers blasting the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir - cleverly drowning out the sound of the helicopter rotors. FAITH GRIFFITH (APPROVING SOUNDS) That all sounds well and good, but... how will we know if it actually works? INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLES) Once you find yourself on a tropical island sipping piña colada, I’m sure you’ll get the idea. FAITH GRIFFITH Uh, no, not that. The sainthood. Getting out of this contract and... into heaven. INTERVIEWER Ah. That. Well, I suppose we won’t. Not until... FAITH GRIFFITH ...I actually die. INTERVIEWER Yes. (THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON WITH A WHIRR AND FLICKER) FAITH GRIFFITH Thank goodness. The lights are back. INTERVIEWER No more use for this then. (HE BLOWS OUT THE CANDLE) FAITH GRIFFITH Right. So, what do I owe you? INTERVIEWER A simple check would suffice, you’re a wealthy lady, so... FAITH GRIFFITH Oh, but I’m not. INTERVIEWER Sorry? FAITH GRIFFITH I’ve given it all away to charity. (BEAT) INTERVIEWER Right. Well... Normally our fees are quite substantial, but I suppose… since we can’t actually guarantee the desired result this time... (PIANO MUSIC) How about this: If you were to end up in heaven... put in a good word...? FAITH GRIFFITH That would be my very great pleasure! INTERVIEWER Excellent! Time for some Veuve Clicquot! (HE POPS THE CHAMPAGNE AND POURS TWO FLUTES) INTERVIEWER To heaven! FAITH GRIFFITH To heaven... (THEY CLINK AND DRINK) FAITH GRIFFITH Better than cold cocoa… (THE AMELIA THEME FULLY KICKS IN. A GOSPEL VERSION) PIP Hope you enjoyed this episode. If you enjoy the show follow us on social media, you can find us on Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter, if you really enjoy the show write a review and tell your friends and if you really really really enjoy the show become a patron by visiting ameliapodcast.com clicking on support the show, and choosing how much you want to pledge per new episode. It helps us keep making the show, without our patrons there’s no way we would have made it to Season 4, and it gives you lots of bonus content, such as The Alvina Archives, an exclusive series of minisodes about Alvina’s arrival at the company. Stay tuned for the epilogue but first the credits. This episode was written by Øystein Brager and Torgny G. Aandero with script consultancy by Leeanne Stodardt. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, audio engineering by Dominic Hargreaves, the theme tune and its gospel variation by Fredrik Baden and Sheba’s Waltz by Eli Hamada Mcilveen. Thank you to Hans Olav Baden for piano and organ recordings. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Sheila Morris as Faith, Julia Morizawa as Amelia and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina. Coming up Stéphane Gérard as a waiter and Tarquin as Sheba the cat. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. Thank you to our wonderful patrons and as always, a heartfelt shoutout to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie & Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Leferman, Elizabeth Curry, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, IamTrash and hello to our new wonderful super patron J.K Robbins! Next episode in two weeks time, or if you’re a patron, next week! And now, the epilogue. EPILOGUE THE NEXT DAY. ALVINA, AMELIA AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE HAVING DESSERT AT AN OUTDOOR CAFÉ IN MONTMARTRE. (FRENCH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE CHATTERING) WAITER (IN FRENCH) Here is your water, sir. I'm sorry we didn't have any cocoa. INTERVIEWER (IN FRENCH) No problem! Thank you! Amelia? Will you take care of the check? AMELIA Uh. Alvina? ALVINA (SIGHS) Of course… (RUSTLING OF A BAG) AMELIA I thought you'd be furious that they didn't have any cocoa. INTERVIEWER I've had three Îles flottantes already, it's probably good to wash that down with a glass of water. (A MEOW) Oh, hello there kitty kitty kitty… What do you want? CAT (MEOWS) INTERVIEWER Do you want to lick out the bowl of Îles flottantes? CAT (MEOWS) (THE INTERVIEWER PLACES THE BOWL ON THE GROUND) There you go. CAT (PURRS) INTERVIEWER Such an adorable cat… ALVINA Can we get back to what we were talking about? INTERVIEWER Oh yes. Selling the contract at Sotheby's! ALVINA Nobody is going to believe that piece of paper is a contract with the devil! INTERVIEWER What? Why not? ALVINA Because he doesn't exist! INTERVIEWER (SING-SONG) Oh yes he does… ALVINA For all intents and purposes, we're not charging her! INTERVIEWER (TAKES A SIP OF HIS WATER) Faith's putting in a good word with the man upstairs for us. That's payment enough. ALVINA Ah! I can't believe this! We’re setting up our whole operation from scratch, and you start it off by giving away freebies! INTERVIEWER Oh, surely entrance into heaven is worth more than a few pennies down... ALVINA (CUTS HIM OFF) Amelia! Can you please back me up on this? AMELIA (SIGHS) We do need income... (BEAT) (FIRM) I’ll let this one slide- ALVINA No! Wait what- why?! AMELIA (CON’T) (VERY CLEARLY) -but from now on, you have to charge. Okay? INTERVIEWER (LIGHTLY) Okay. ALVINA Unbelievable. INTERVIEWER When St. Peter gives you a free pass, Alvina, remember who you’ve got to thank for that! AMELIA Don’t we already have a free pass at the pearly gates? INTERVIEWER Oh yes, we do, H! I’d forgotten… ALVINA (STILL ANNOYED) Since when are you so concerned with being chummy with St. Peter anyway? AMELIA (INTERRUPTING) Let’s finish up our desserts and get back to the office. INTERVIEWER Oh, we're not in a hurry are we? I just got this! (THE INTERVIEWER TAKES A HUGE SIP OF HIS WATER. AMELIA FINISHES HER CAPPUCCINO) AMELIA Getting the business up and running doesn’t happen by itself. INTERVIEWER Cocoa shouldn't be rushed, Amelia! Cocoa should always be savored! (HE TAKES ANOTHER SIP OF HIS WATER) INTERVIEWER Ahhhhh! ALVINA (NOT AMUSED) Very funny. INTERVIEWER What? (BEAT) ALVINA Uh - you're aware you're drinking water? (THE INTERVIEWER NOTICES HE'S DRINKING WATER) INTERVIEWER (EMBARRASSED) Oh. Uhm. Hm? Yes of course! I was just joking. This is water! I know that! Haha! Ha. Uhm, we have cocoa back at the office, don't we? ALVINA (CONFUSED) No, we don't... That's why we decided to come here in the first place. INTERVIEWER Oh of course. (SALTY) Satan ruined my cocoa. ALVINA We should be getting another delivery from Les Deux Magots any minute. (HER PHONE BEEPS) That's probably them actually… (CHECK'S HER PHONE) Yup, the delivery guy is just around the corner. AMELIA In that case, why don't you head back first, Alvina? You've finished your tarte Tatin, so... ALVINA I can wait for you. The delivery guy knows to leave the thermos outside the door so it’s not a problem… AMELIA It's nice if someone is there when he arrives, isn't it! ALVINA (STUTTERS) Uh... Sure… AMELIA Thanks, Alvina. (ALVINA GETS UP AND HEADS OFF) ALVINA See you soon...? AMELIA See ya! INTERVIEWER Toodleoo! (ALVINA WALKS AWAY) INTERVIEWER Cute cat! AMELIA What just happened? INTERVIEWER With what? AMELIA The cocoa! INTERVIEWER I don't know. AMELIA I think you do. I think we both do. INTERVIEWER (SIGHS) I've been fine though! All through Russia, I didn't notice a thing! AMELIA It had to start at some point. INTERVIEWER It hasn't. It's just a coincidence! AMELIA (SCOFFS) Please... INTERVIEWER I'm fine! (BEAT) AMELIA "Fog is one of the great hazards of flying." Remember? (THE INTERVIEWER GROANS) "In thick rain or snow, a pilot is just as blind as if he had a black cloth over his eyes..." INTERVIEWER "...be aware of ever flying blind." Yes, I remember. But as much as I cherished your grandmother, I don't think that saying of hers applies now! AMELIA (FRUSTRATED) Not being able to tell cocoa from water is flying blind! INTERVIEWER I also remember her saying: "Anyone concentrating too hard on the idea of getting airsick, is going to manage that very nicely"! I am not going to think that I'm sick, and thereby make myself sick! AMELIA (SHARP) Well, at least if you can't taste the difference between water and cocoa, we'll save a lot of money on our drinks budget! (PAUSE. THEY CALM DOWN AGAIN. THE INTERVIEWER SIPS MORE WATER AND CHUCKLES) INTERVIEWER (SOFTLY) This is the first time anything's happened. And we don't know how fast this will go. Let's not panic. AMELIA I told Alvina I would share more secrets with her. I think it's time. INTERVIEWER No. No! AMELIA Why not? INTERVIEWER We said ten years. AMELIA It's been nine! INTERVIEWER No one gets to know before they've been with us for at least ten years! AMELIA I really think we know by now that we can trust her! INTERVIEWER You and Kozlowski and I made that rule together. And Kozlowski isn't here right now to weigh in. AMELIA I know. But we don't know when we'll see Kozlowski again. Right now we're just... waiting for him to find us. We have no way of contacting him, not without fear of exposing ourselves to MI5! (PAUSE) INTERVIEWER (SOFTLY) We have to have patience, Amelia. AMELIA (WORRIED) Yes. That's exactly the problem. (MUSIC ENDS) END.