EPISODE 45 - RAVEN PIP Hello, it’s Pip! And today’s episode is dedicated to JK Robbins who wants to fake his death by consuming a hot sauce so deadly that he spontaneously combusts. He wants to be resurrected as a reclusive writer of pulp novels based on a taco truck vigilante, dishing out justice with a twist of lime and a side of chips and guacamole. He will pay for his disappearance with his compact disc collection of over 3,000 CDs, a daily supply of adorable cat videos and being on-call to whip up the best vegan tacos as often as we please. Well JK, we accept your case and Kozlowski is concocting the deadly hot sauce as I speak. We should also mention that JK is a fellow audio drama creator with a project called Peculiar Radio in the pipeline which we’re really looking forward to, and you can also watch him reviewing hot sauces from around the world via "J.K.'s Hot Take” on YouTube. Right, it’s time to catch up with the Amelia gang at their new offices in Paris. Enjoy the show! PROLOGUE AMELIA (ON THE ANSWERPHONE) Congratulations. You have come to The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. If you continue, there is no return. Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us. If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. (BEEP) RAVEN If you saw me sitting on your doorstep Even if I sat alone and quietly Bearing no arms You would lock your door And tell your loved ones to beware Outside sits an unkindness of ravens (BEEP) (THEME TUNE) INTRO The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager with music by Fredrik Baden. Episode 45 - Raven. INTERVIEW (AMELIA ENTERS THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER) AMELIA Jesus! Did you see the client? INTERVIEWER No, has she arrived? AMELIA She's waiting in the hallway. She is really something! Long, dark hair covering her eyes, draped in flowy garments all completely black and she's as pale as a ghost! I made her an espresso hoping she'd perk up a bit before the interview. Here's the client report. (SHE PLACES THE REPORT ON HIS DESK) INTERVIEWER Why are you doing this? This is Alvina's job! AMELIA She's not in yet. INTERVIEWER Why not? AMELIA I don't know. I can't get a hold of her. INTERVIEWER Alvina is never late! AMELIA (SHRUGS) There's a first time for everything. INTERVIEWER I hope she's alright. AMELIA Maybe she's got a cold. I think I might be coming down with something. INTERVIEWER Or maybe it's a delay on the tube. AMELIA You mean the metro? INTERVIEWER What? AMELIA How are you holding up? INTERVIEWER Oh, good, good, all good. AMELIA Great. I'll send the client in, then. INTERVIEWER Yes. Please do! (AMELIA OPENS THE DOOR, WALKS OUT) AMELIA (TO RAVEN) He's ready for you. (IN THE BACKGROUND A CAT IS HEARD MEOWING) Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here! (THE OFFICE DOOR CLOSES) (RAVEN ENTERS. SHE TALKS SOFTLY AND ALMOST AS IF SHE IS APOLOGIZING FOR EVERY WORD) RAVEN Hi. I'm Raven. Raven Harbinger. Thanks for seeing me. INTERVIEWER Oh… Not at all! Please sit. Welcome to The Amelia Project! RAVEN (SIGHS) This is weird... I haven't really spoken to anyone for... a very long time. INTERVIEWER Oh? Why not? RAVEN I live by myself. INTERVIEWER Oh… Not too keen on company? RAVEN Oh no! I'd love to be around people. I just … can't. Or, I'm not allowed. People don't want me around. INTERVIEWER Why-Why not? RAVEN I bring death. INTERVIEWER Sorry? RAVEN Wherever I go, someone dies. INTERVIEWER You're a murderer? RAVEN No, no! I'm just a... bad omen. INTERVIEWER You're saying, what... you predict death? RAVEN Not predict, exactly. More... precede…? INTERVIEWER You... precede death? RAVEN Yes. It started when I was six. My parents sent me on holiday to my aunt and uncle's farm. My parents were busy moving house and wanted me out of the way. Aunty and uncle didn't like me much. Said I creeped them out. But they took me anyway. Family, you know. Then two weeks after I arrive at their farm, my uncle stumbles into a cowpat and drowns! INTERVIEWER (DISGUSTED) Ugh! A cowpat?! RAVEN Yes. I didn't trip him, if that's what you're thinking. I was in a hammock in the orchard when it happened. INTERVIEWER Sleeping? RAVEN Reading Edgar Allan Poe, I think. INTERVIEWER Hm. RAVEN After that summer, I started a new school. I remember the first day, how excited I was to meet my teacher, Mrs. Doubleday. She had smoker's breath and bad personal hygiene, but she was a good teacher. She didn't even make it past Halloween before she mistook a lighter for a vape, and caused herself to spontaneously combust. INTERVIEWER Shear my beard and call me a sheep! RAVEN (CON’T) All through my life incidents like these have kept on happening. I attend my great grandmother's ninetieth; a month later she is hit by a ball at tennis practice and drops dead. I sign up for drama group; Juliet falls off the balcony and breaks Romeo's neck. I go on safari in Kenya, the day after I leave, our guide is trampled by a horny rhino. Over and over again, I arrive somewhere, and soon after - someone dies. As the years went by, word spread. Whenever I signed up for a club or an organization, invitations to meetings would just stop coming. I couldn't get a job, so I ended up freelancing, working from home as an illustrator. Never meeting anyone in real life, just online. My friends stopped seeing me, one by one. But what hurt the most, I think, was how my family abandoned me. I stopped being invited to birthdays or weddings, not even funerals. I was 'Cousin Death'. Everyone was afraid of me. People might claim they're not superstitious. But I know what it means when people say (IMITATING) "Oh, maybe not this weekend - perhaps another time". INTERVIEWER So you want to start over, with a clean slate. RAVEN Yes. INTERVIEWER Why don't you just move somewhere no one knows you? RAVEN I can't escape my reputation. What with the internet and social media! Raven Harbinger will always be seen as a messenger of death. INTERVIEWER Yes, I guess you could do with a new name... RAVEN I need a new identity! I need to be someone people aren't scared of. You know, I'm really nice, once you get to know me! People just never come close enough to realize. INTERVIEWER You're completely isolated? RAVEN I hardly see anyone. I order everything online, so I don't have to go out. I've tried very hard to be happy in my own company. I'm just … not. I miss hugs. Conversations. Heck, even arguments! I don't want to be this lonely, so I thought: Nevermore! And I came here. I just want to be around people again! (BEAT. REALIZES) Oh no. INTERVIEWER What? RAVEN (PANICKING) But I can't, can I? INTERVIEWER What do you mean? RAVEN I've been stupid! INTERVIEWER What are you talking about? RAVEN I've been so stupid, coming here! I shouldn't have! I'm wasting your time. Worse - I'm endangering you! INTERVIEWER Why? RAVEN Whenever I enter a shop or a train station, I worry how many people I've sent to their graves! INTERVIEWER I'm sure you haven't sent anyone to their grave - RAVEN Have you not listened to my story? INTERVIEWER Of course I have! RAVEN Someone in this office is going to die! INTERVIEWER No one is going to die! This is just superstition! RAVEN Look at the facts! INTERVIEWER There are no facts, it's all circumstantial! RAVEN I'm gonna to leave now. (DESPERATE) I’m sorry for... everything- (RAVEN HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR, THE INTERVIEWER GETS UP AND FOLLOWS HER, HOLDS HER BACK) INTERVIEWER Stop, stop, stop! Raven, please! If - and I say if - you've endangered us by coming here, that's already done, isn't it? So if it's too late anyway, why don't you sit down, and let's see if Amelia can't help you. Hm? RAVEN (HESITANT) I guess... INTERVIEWER Of course. Now, would you like some cocoa? It's from Les Deux Magots? (RAVEN SITS DOWN AGAIN) RAVEN Sure. Thanks. (THE INTERVIEWER POURS TWO CUPS. THEY DRINK) INTERVIEWER (CONFUSED) Ahhh - uh. (CONFUSED) Oh. Strange. It doesn't taste of anything. RAVEN Really? I think it's delicious. INTERVIEWER Is it? (RAVEN NODS) INTERVIEWER Hm. (THEY HAVE ANOTHER SIP. HE STILL CAN'T TASTE IT.) Oh dear… (PAUSE) (REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE) Anyhow, (CLEARS THROAT) let's have a closer look at this predicament of yours. RAVEN Well, I've always wondered what's wrong with me. Did someone put a curse on me? Is it genetic? Is it the work of evil forces, or just good old bad luck? INTERVIEWER You don't wish death upon people? RAVEN I never know who it's going to happen to! INTERVIEWER Well then how can it be your fault? It's not like you're carrying a virus. The causes of death have been as different as chalk and cheese! And chalk and cheese are very different! Anyone who's tried to make a chalk and tomato sandwich can tell you that. RAVEN I've been trying to convince myself I'm just preceding death - not causing it, but how do I tell the difference? INTERVIEWER Raven, I don't think you're doing either. RAVEN I hope you're right, of course, but... with my history, that's hard to believe... (AMELIA BURSTS IN AND INTERRUPT HER) AMELIA So sorry to barge in like this, I hope you don't mind pausing for a second? RAVEN (SOFTLY) That's okay… AMELIA Thank you. INTERVIEWER A-Amelia? (TO THE INTERVIEWER) I'm going home. You know I said I thought I'm coming down with something? Well, I definitely am. I don't want to give it to you, so I'll just work from home instead. RAVEN (CAUTIOUS) I'm sorry, AMELIA What? RAVEN (CON’T) Did you say you're getting sick? (RAVEN IS GETTING MORE AND MORE PANICKY AS SHE SPEAKS) AMELIA It's just a head cold, nothing to worry about. RAVEN You know cold symptoms are often the first sign of something much worse! AMELIA I'm confident it's just a cold. RAVEN What if I did this? AMELIA I didn't get it from you. I already had an itchy throat yesterday. RAVEN Are you sure? AMELIA I'm positive. RAVEN Okay… (RAVEN BREATHES IN, TRYING TO CALM HERSELF) AMELIA (TO THE INTERVIEWER) Anyhow, you'll be on your own for the rest of the day. INTERVIEWER You still haven't heard from Alvina? AMELIA No. She isn't picking up her phone. I tried "track my phone" on her computer, but it's not showing up. I'm getting a bit worried. Remember whenever the Beetle broke down? She used to leave endless rants on the answer phone, spending more time complaining than fixing the darn thing! But today, not a peep! What if... INTERVIEWER You mean...? AMELIA What if they've tracked us down? RAVEN (DISTRAUGHT) I'm sorry! AMELIA Uh… RAVEN I'm so sorry! I heard what you were talking about and I'm so sorry! AMELIA What is she on about? RAVEN I didn't mean to kill your friend! AMELIA (EXASPERATED SIGH) INTERVIEWER Raven, Raven, I'm sure you've not killed Alvina! RAVEN No? Where is she then? INTERVIEWER We don't know, but - RAVEN She's never late?! INTERVIEWER No… Not normally - RAVEN But as soon as I turn up...! (TO AMELIA) Of course it wasn't you who’s dying! You just have a cold! It's much worse than that. Your friend has been kidnapped or murdered - INTERVIEWER We have no reason to assume that… RAVEN (CON’T) (ON THE VERGE OF TEARS) I've been trying to hold it together and stay brave and be positive, but life just isn't for me, is it?! I don't deserve it! Not the way I wreak havoc on everyone else's lives! AMELIA (QUIETLY) Alright, I won't go home... I'm in my office in case this escalates. INTERVIEWER (QUIETLY) Sure. (AMELIA SNEAKS OUT) RAVEN (CON’T) Could you please point me in the direction of a pharmacy?! Or- or a rope shop?! Or maybe you could just lend me a razor, that's quick and easy isn't it?! INTERVIEWER Raven, Raven, Raven, have some more cocoa! RAVEN Only if I can have some arsenic to go with it! INTERVIEWER Raven, please, don't kill yourself! That's my job! RAVEN Oh, if you killed me it would just be fake! INTERVIEWER As is your situation! RAVEN What? INTERVIEWER You do not cause death! RAVEN How can you say that?! INTERVIEWER Oh for god- ! (THE INTERVIEWER STARTS RUMMAGING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMETHING WHILE RAVEN KEEPS TALKING) RAVEN I do! I know I do, you know I do, everyone knows I do, the whole freaking universe knows that I am a curse and a cancer and I just can’t go on- ! (THE INTERVIEWER FINDS WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR) INTERVIEWER (LAUGHS) Here we go - RAVEN What are you doing with that paintbrush?! INTERVIEWER Dipping it in - uh, paint, paint, paint, paint... (CAN’T FIND PAINT) Uh… cocoa! (THE INTERVIEWER DIPS THE BRUSH IN COCOA) RAVEN Why are you dipping the brush in cocoa?! (THE INTERVIEWER FLICKS COCOA ALL OVER THE ROOM) INTERVIEWER There! RAVEN What - (CONFUSED) you just flicked cocoa on the walls? INTERVIEWER (OUT OF BREATH) Yes. RAVEN With a paintbrush! INTERVIEWER Yes. RAVEN Why on earth would you do that? INTERVIEWER Well... RAVEN You're going to have to repaint! I don't think that comes off. INTERVIEWER Look at the spots of cocoa. (BEAT.) RAVEN Sure. (PAUSE) What am I looking for exactly? INTERVIEWER You see, people have a tendency to misunderstand coincidence. They think of coincidence as meaningful. They make coincidence out to be a sign of a greater pattern, when in fact it is exactly the opposite. RAVEN What are you getting at? INTERVIEWER Co - incidence simply means two incidents that happen to co-exist in approximately the same time or space. A co - incidence. Hence, co-incidental. RAVEN Okay? INTERVIEWER Look at the spots again. When I flick the brush, (DIPS THE BRUSH AGAIN AND FLICKS MORE WHILE HE TALKS) where the spots end up on the wall, is completely random. Here, you try it! (HE DIPS THE BRUSH IN AGAIN AND HANDS IT TO HER) RAVEN Okay… (SHE GETS UP) INTERVIEWER Come on, you can do it! Just flick the brush! Flick cocoa on the walls! (SHE JUMPS UP AND DOWN AND FLICKS COCOA ON THE WALLS) Yes! There you go! Again and again! Keep it up! (MORE FLICKING AND JUMPING) All over the place, don’t even think about it! (RAVEN LAUGHS) Just flick the brush! You see? You don’t plan it? And you don’t control it. You just let out your inner Jackson Pollock! That’s it! RAVEN (HAPPILY) Yeah, it looks a mess... INTERVIEWER Yes it’s a mess! Look at it! It’s a mess, all over the place! See! Some of the spots end up far away from each other. Others end up in clusters. Now, now, imagine how unlikely it would be for the spots to land in a perfect, equidistant pattern? RAVEN It wouldn't happen. INTERVIEWER No! It wouldn't happen! And that's life, Raven. It doesn't have a pattern. All it has... is clusters. RAVEN I… I don’t understand, I… INTERVIEWER See, what you've experienced is a cluster. Around you, death has clustered, and it's made you, and many people around you, think that you were the cause of that. (PAUSE) But... you're just a random spot, from the random brush of fate, surrounded by other equally random spots. From your vantage point, that looks like a pattern. (STEPS BACK) But if you take a step back - come on, take a step back - (RAVEN TAKES A STEP BACK) ...and look at the bigger picture, you'll see that there's no symmetry or order, just... RAVEN (SOFTLY) Chaos. (PAUSE) INTERVIEWER Precisely. RAVEN That... actually does make me feel a lot better. INTERVIEWER Well. (CHUCKLES) This cocoa has healing powers. RAVEN Seems like it does! INTERVIEWER Let's fake your death, then, hm! Now, normally I prefer spectacular deaths, but for someone as isolated as you … that doesn't quite fit the bill… (THEY SIT DOWN AGAIN) RAVEN Yeah, hm… My life is very unspectacular. INTERVIEWER Hm. Then let's go for poetic irony instead. RAVEN Okay... How? INTERVIEWER (CONSPIRATORIAL) Mirror. RAVEN What? INTERVIEWER You'll be found dead in front of a mirror. In your home. Just sitting there. RAVEN I don't get it? INTERVIEWER Well, whenever you appear, death occurs. Seeing you in front of that mirror, those left behind get to speculate: Was it a suicide or an accident? Did you consciously reverse your curse, in order to escape or to atone? Or did fate simply turn on you? All they know is, you appeared to yourself - and perished soon after. Of course the autopsy report will say heart attack. RAVEN (SMILES) That’s… That's... quite something! INTERVIEWER A well-faked death should always say something about the deceased. That's what sets a good death faker apart from a bad one. (ALVINA ENTERS, OUT OF BREATH) ALVINA I'm so sorry I'm late! INTERVIEWER Alvina! ALVINA I had to walk halfway across town, and then all the way up Montmartre… INTERVIEWER See! She's alive! RAVEN That's her?! (RAVEN JUMPS UP AND RUNS TO ALVINA, GIVING HER A BIG HUG) RAVEN Oh! I'm so glad I didn't kill you! ALVINA (CONFUSED) What?! Did you try to kill me? Who are you and why are you hugging me? RAVEN You really scared me! INTERVIEWER This is Raven, she's a client! ALVINA I'm very sweaty, I suggest you let go. (RAVEN LETS GO) RAVEN Oh. I'm sorry. Things are just looking up! INTERVIEWER We've sorted out Raven's death, and now we're moving on to her new life! ALVINA I'm glad someone is having a good day! Mine has been a disaster so far! The metro stopped at Châtelet and was there for ages! When we finally get out, it turns out all trains on line 4 have been suspended, so I head to Hotel de Ville to get a bus, but all the bus drivers are on strike! So then I have to walk - only to come across this anti-corporate demonstration stretching all the way up to Bourse... I just couldn't get through the crowds. And then the rest was uphill. And to top it all off, our office door was blocked by some scammer doing a three-card monty. He wouldn’t let me pass until I played, but then, when I guessed right, he started arguing whether I meant his left or mine! Cost me 20 euros! Plus my phone died and I left the charger at work. (BEAT) I really shouldn't complain. I'm better off than some. I pity the metro driver. RAVEN Why? (THE INTERVIEWER REALIZES WHERE THIS IS HEADING) (THE INTERVIEWER TRIES TO DISRUPT ALVINA) ALVINA (SIMULTANEOUSLY, NOT CATCHING THE SIGNALS) The reason we stopped was some poor guy had thrown himself in front of the train. (RAVEN IS LOSING IT) INTERVIEWER Oh crumbs… RAVEN (HIGH-PITCHED) I knew it! Oh my god, I knew it! I'm the angel of death! I'm the freaking angel of death! I'm the freaking four horsemen of the freaking apocalypse! And a train! What is next - a building?! Am I just going to start drop buildings on people?! (SHE CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND) ALVINA Why is she freaking out? INTERVIEWER Oh no Alvina… ALVINA What… What did I do? INTERVIEWER (POINTEDLY) I had just fixed this! You just ruined my work! ALVINA Uh… I don’t understand…? INTERVIEWER Look… Just leave, please, just get out! (ALVINA LEAVES. AS SHE'S HEADING OUT) ALVINA I'm sorry! I don't know what I did! I'm sorry! INTERVIEWER Out! (THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND ALVINA. RAVEN IS REDUCED TO QUIET SOBBING. A PAUSE) INTERVIEWER Raven. RAVEN (CRYING) Yes. INTERVIEWER Now I won't try to tell you that you're not responsible. RAVEN Good. INTERVIEWER (CON’T) Not because I believe you are, but because I know you believe you are, and I respect your beliefs. Even if I think they're hurting you. RAVEN Hmph. INTERVIEWER Instead, I am going to do magic. RAVEN Oh? What are you going to do this time? Spray whipped cream all over the place and claim that it can cure me? INTERVIEWER No. No, I’m not. Although that does sound delicious. No. I am going to do a transformation. RAVEN Of what? INTERVIEWER You. Or rather, your curse. RAVEN What do you mean? INTERVIEWER I am going to take your curse, and move it, and put it down again somewhere else. And when you look at it anew, you'll see it's not a curse anymore. RAVEN Stop. Talking. In metaphors. Please... INTERVIEWER Imagine yourself reborn. You're a blonde, you're wearing white, you have a tan. Your nose is a bit flatter, your eyebrows a bit higher, your smile a bit wider. You work as a nurse. At first I was thinking field hospital, but then I thought, no - let's make it an old people's home. Every day you give hugs, you have conversations, you argue! With angry, senile pensioners. You're happy. Also, every day - you deal with death. Because old people die. It's not suspect or unexpected, it's just life. Because everyone who is alive will one day die - and so will everyone around them. We cannot escape death, so we have to come to terms with it. But whilst we can't avoid death, we can embrace life. RAVEN (UNIMPRESSED) So, you're giving me a new life... where I'm inconspicuous. Great. INTERVIEWER Oh, but it's more than that! In this life, you have a super power! RAVEN How? INTERVIEWER Constantly dealing with death is perhaps the hardest thing about working at an old people's home. Sadness and grief recurring so regularly, it gets strenuous. But what better antidote than gallows humor? RAVEN I don't understand? INTERVIEWER Nurses need to laugh! At death! RAVEN (FRUSTRATED) Okay well - I'm not that funny? INTERVIEWER Oh, but you are. Your uncle, come on! He drowned in a cowpat, did he not? RAVEN Yes? INTERVIEWER Doesn't that strike you as somewhat... comical? RAVEN That's my uncle you're talking about! INTERVIEWER Romeo dying from Juliet landing on him? I mean!(CHUCKLES) Your ninety year old grandma knocked cold during tennis practice? Brilliant! RAVEN What are you getting at? INTERVIEWER The deaths you are causing are hilarious! They're unexpected and farcical! Plus, all these people died as they lived - doing what they loved. I mean, if I die from being trampled by a rhino, I sure hope it's a horny one! (SERIOUS AGAIN) In a place of death and sadness, you are a blessing, Raven. You are a ray of light! (PAUSE) RAVEN (EMOTIONAL) No one has ever called me that before. (BEAT.) INTERVIEWER I think that calls for a toast! Let's pop open the Veuve Cliquot! (THE INTERVIEWER GETS OUT A BOTTLE. HE SHAKES IT) INTERVIEWER Watch out! (THE BOTTLE POPS AND THE CHAMPAGNE GOES EVERYWHERE. THE INTERVIEWER AND RAVEN LAUGH DELIGHTED) Oh, it’s going everywhere. I didn’t expect it to reach the back wall, my goodness. RAVEN (LAUGHING) Is this another metaphor? An illustration of hope and joy? INTERVIEWER No! No, the office was spattered in cocoa anyway, so I thought; why not, eh? (LAUGHS) (THE INTERVIEWER FILLS TWO FLUTES) INTERVIEWER SO… To meaningful and joyous deaths! RAVEN To meaningful and joyous deaths! (THEY CLINK AND DRINK, THEME TUNE STARTS) RAVEN Wait - what about the guy who threw himself in front of the metro? (THEME TUNE STOPS) INTERVIEWER Oh... Uhm… (STUTTERS) (ALVINA ENTERS) ALVINA Sorry to interrupt, I just thought you might want to know: I was reading the news just now. No one threw themselves in front of the metro. Some misguided activist threw a Ronald McDonald-statue onto the tracks. RAVEN (RELIEVED SIGH) INTERVIEWER Thank god! (THE BEEPING STARTS UP AGAIN AND THE END THEME TUNE PLAYS) FREDDY Hi! Yeah. So, I can’t find Pip anywhere, and I’m getting a little bit worried actually, he’s not returning my calls… Or my texts, or my chat messages. So anyway, so today it’s me, Frederik Baden. I’m taking over the outro. So stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits! This episode was written by Øystein Brager and directed by Pip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, editing by Pip Thorne, audio engineering by Dominic Hargreaves and music by me, Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Carli Fish as Raven Harbinger, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Tarquin as Sheba the cat. Thank you to our wonderful patrons and as always, a heartfelt shoutout to our super patrons which is Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie & Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Leferman, Elizabeth Curry, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, J.K Robbins and I Am Trash - which I am guessing is a really lovely person… In order to support the show and get the bi-weekly Patreon exclusive series The Alvina Archives, which I really recommend that you do, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. That would really help us out and every new patron really makes us really happy! Yeah. I hope I managed that okay… But where… Where where is he? I better call Øystein or Maty and see if… they can get a hold of him… Maybe they heard (STATIC DISRUPS) EPILOGUE (THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS AMELIA’S OFFICE) INTERVIEWER Knock knock! Uhm, hi... AMELIA Oh, hi! INTERVIEWER Are you feeling better? AMELIA Keeping it in check with lemon, honey and paracetamol. Don't come too close though. (BEAT) You were really good with that client earlier. God, I would have just yelled at her and told her to get it together. You have a way with clients I'll never have. INTERVIEWER We all have different skills… Listen, Amelia... I don't quite know how to ask this... AMELIA What? INTERVIEWER I was very confused today when everyone kept talking about the metro. AMELIA Why? INTERVIEWER (CON’T) So I looked out the window and… (PAUSE) (SIGHS) Amelia, why are we in Paris? END OF EPISODE.