EPISODE 47 - MR. LOVE, ACTUARY
INTRO
Merry Christmas! It’s Pip here introducing our Christmas Special 2021. In our previous two Christmas Specials we took on first the Santa Claus story in “Klaus” and then we gave you our own version of the poem “A Visit From Saint Nick” in last year’s “The Christmas Thief.”
This year, we’re giving you our own spin on the classic British Christmas comedy “Love Actually.” Love it or loathe it, come Christmas time there’s no getting away from this film on British television, so it inspired today’s episode. If you know the film you’ll get some references, if you don’t, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to follow the episode just fine.
After this episode we’ll be taking a short break, and we hope to be back on your podcast feeds in late January.
Making this show is a great adventure, it’s also very hard work, but also very time consuming, so if you’d like to help us make more episodes in the new year, and if you want to treat yourself to the first four episodes of the bonus series The Alvina Archives, do consider becoming a patron of the show from just five dollars per new episode. We really can’t stress enough how much of a difference it makes for producing this show, and all of us here at Amelia would be so so grateful. You can find out more about supporting the show on ameliapodcast.com, and we’d like to thank all our patrons who’ve supported us in 2021, without you we wouldn’t still be doing this.
And now, without further ado, it’s time for Mr Love, Actuary.
PROLOGUE
BEEP
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BEEP.
(A LOT OF WIND. A PLANE IN THE BACKGROUND FLYING FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY)
(MR. LOVE IS CALLING FROM THE AIR, HAVING JUST JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE IN HIS WING SUIT)
MR. LOVE
(LOUDLY) Hi there! Just letting you know I'm gonna be there in a sec! It's gonna be great! (LAUGHS)
(MORE WIND)
BEEP.
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden and Adam Raymonda. Episode 47 - Mr. Love, Actuary
EPISODE
(EXT. THE ROOF OF THE AMELIA OFFICES IN PARIS. SNOW. FAINT FOOTSTEPS UP A STAIRCASE, THEN A DOOR OPENS)
ALVINA
That's where you are! I've been looking all over for you!
(SHE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER)
Why are you on the roof?
INTERVIEWER
Sheba and I are enjoying the view.
ALVINA
Aw, you got yourself a cat?
INTERVIEWER
She's not my cat. Nonono, you don't own a cat, Alvina! Cats are free spirits!
ALVINA
Well, it's freezing up here.
INTERVIEWER
Have some hot punch.
(THE INTERVIEWER UNSCREWS A THERMOS)
ALVINA
Punch?
Interviewer
It'll warm you up.
ALVINA
Since when do you drink-
INTERVIEWER
(REGRETFULLY) Since the cocoa stopped tasting of anything.
ALVINA
What do you mean "the cocoa stopped tasting of anything"?
INTERVIEWER
(SWIFTLY CHANGING THE TOPIC) Doesn't Paris look beautiful in the snow? I was planning on a stroll once it gets dark to take in the lights. Oh and apparently Galeries Lafayette have a Christmas tree that stretches all the way to the top of the dome! (CHUCKLES) Maybe we should walk over there together later, what do you think Alvina?
ALVINA
(ABSENTLY) Sounds nice.
INTERVIEWER
What's wrong?
ALVINA
(SIGHS) It's not going to be the same this year is it? Without Joey and Salvatore's fireworks and Kozlowski's turkey and cranberry tacos.
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore's homemade rocket put London on terrorist alert and you vowed never to let Kozlowski into the kitchen again after his mince pies mutated and started crawling all over the office.
ALVINA
(LAUGHS) I know I know! It's just...
(PAUSE)
Do you miss London?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
You were in London for a long time, though?
INTERVIEWER
And now I'm back in Paris. You know what I do miss? People.
ALVINA
Hm.
INTERVIEWER
Joey, Salvatore, Walter, Kozlowski.
BEAT.
My niece. I'll miss her birthday, you know? I was going to take her to the Alicia Cairn live show. It starts at midnight and you just watch her sleep and get up to pee.
ALVINA
I'm sure Lorraine misses you too. Does it get any easier?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Moving. I've only escaped twice - and the first time, all I left behind was a rock and some seagulls.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) It doesn't.
ALVINA
Oh.
(TRIES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD) Well, I spent the morning baking and while my mince pies might not have Kozlowski's novelty factor, at least they won't jump out of the tins and keep us awake at night by trashing the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER
Mince pies and carols tonight?
ALVINA
Ooh and how about a Christmas movie?
INTERVIEWER
Do you think we can get Amelia to join us this time?
(SOUNDS OF WIND, A PLANE? RISING UP IN THE DISTANCE)
ALVINA
Hm. When it comes to Christmas she out-grinches the grinch.
(WIND GETS LOUDER, SOMETHING WHOSHES PAST)
INTERVIEWER
What the heck?!
ALVINA
Wha-What is that?!
INTERVIEWER
Is it a plane? Is it a bird? (INTRIGUED) Is it an angel?
ALVINA
No. It's... a man in a wingsuit!
INTERVIEWER
He's heading here!
ALVINA
Ah! That looks so fun!
INTERVIEWER
Ah! He's going to crash! Move! Move! Run Sheba, save yourself!
(THE INTERVIEWER HURRIES OUT OF THE WAY.THE MAN IN THE WINGSUIT LANDS - ELEGANTLY. WALKING A FEW STEPS, THEN STOPPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ALVINA)
MR. LOVE
(IN A SUAVE AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi there! Is this Amelia's house?
ALVINA
Are you...
MR. LOVE
Mr. Love, actuary.
Alvina
Mr. Love! It is you! I didn't expect you to arrive like this! And not so soon!
MR. LOVE
I made good time.
ALVINA
I'm very jealous of your wingsuit, by the way.
MR. LOVE
Oh, thank you. Yeah, I love that thing, I'll tell ya. So, are you Alvina?
ALVINA
I certainly am!
MR. LOVE
Pleasure.
ALVINA
Welcome to The Amelia Project!
(THE INTERVIEWER STEPS FORWARD)
INTERVIEWER
(IMPRESSED) You just walked onto the roof. From the air.
MR. LOVE
(LAUGHS) Yes. I did.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... hello! Uh -
MR. LOVE
Hello! Who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
INTERVIEWER
I'm Amelia's interviewer. You can call me... The Interviewer.
MR. LOVE
What if I call you... Mr. Charming?
INTERVIEWER
(CHARMED) Well! That works! Are you a client?
MR. LOVE
(LAUGHS) No.
ALVINA
It's much more exciting than that!
MR. LOVE
Haven't you told him about me?
ALVINA
I thought I had more time to prepare everyone. I thought you'd only be coming after the holidays... I... Let's go inside. You have to meet Amelia!
MR. LOVE
Gentlemen first!
(MR. LOVE OPENS THE DOOR FOR HIM)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you!
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS AND WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS)
MR. LOVE
Did I just... sense something? Are you two - ?
ALVINA
(FLUSTERED) No, no.
MR. LOVE
You're not dating?
ALVINA
I'm not so sure running an illicit organization and dating really go together.
MR. LOVE
Really? I never found that.
ALVINA
Eh... ok... After you Mr. Love.
MR. LOVE
Thank you.
(THEIR FOOTSTEPS RECEDE DOWN THE STAIRS)
(INT. AMELIA'S OFFICE. A MOMENT LATER)
AMELIA
(ON THE PHONE, SWEARING LOUDLY IN FRENCH)
Putain de merde, Je m'en fiche que ce soit le vingt-trois décembre, j'ai besoin d'un putain de mécanicien! Bonjour? Bonjour? Tu viens de me raccrocher?
(SHE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. THE DOOR OPENS AND ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
Everything alright?
AMELIA
I'm trying to get a mechanic to fix the moped so we don't have to rely on the goddamn metro, and they're saying they can only send someone "après les fêtes."
ALVINA
What does that mean?
AMELIA
After New Year.
ALVINA
Well, it is the twenty-third of December, so...
AMELIA
Unbelievable! Just because there's some bank holiday, everybody thinks they can just forget about work!
ALVINA
That is sort of the point of a bank holiday isn't it? And it's not just "some" bank holiday, it's-
AMELIA
What do you want, Alvina?
ALVINA
I've got someone to see you.
AMELIA
Not a good time.
ALVINA
He's come a very long way.
AMELIA
Don't care.
ALVINA
But… It's a surprise!
AMELIA
I hate surprises.
ALVINA
Oh come on Amelia!
AMELIA
Ok, but if this is a singing Santa like last year, I swear to God he'll leave with a fucking dart stuck in his forehead.
ALVINA
(EXCITED) So can I bring him in?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Very well.
Alvina opens the door.
ALVINA
She's ready to see you.
(MR. LOVE WALKS IN)
MR. LOVE
Pleasure to meet you! Mr. Love. Actuary.
AMELIA
Did you say... Mr. Love?
MR. LOVE
Yes.
AMELIA
And you're a...
MR. LOVE
An Actuary.
AMELIA
Right.
To be honest Mr. Love, I'm rather in the dark here. You see, Alvina didn't tell me you were coming.
ALVINA
I was going to, but -
AMELIA (INTERRUPTING)
You didn't. So, Mr. Love, why don't you tell us what this meeting is about?
MR. LOVE
I'm here because I love what you do, and I want to see you do that even more successfully!
AMELIA
I don't get it.
MR. LOVE
Let me draw a little comparison.
AMELIA
Sure.
MR. LOVE
In many ways, you operate like an insurance company.
AMELIA
Not really...?
MR. LOVE
An insurance company saves you when you're in trouble. They pay for a new computer, if your old one gets stolen. They help you rebuild your house when the old one burns down. But, that costs a lot of money. So to make an insurance company a profitable venture, they need to make sure they don't take any unnecessary risks. You don't want to pay out more than you get in.
AMELIA
(UNDER HER BREATH) Thanks for the mansplaining.
MR Love (CON’T)
The Amelia Project also helps people who are in trouble. But, that costs a lot of money. Sometimes more than you anticipated. As I'm sure you've noticed from your current bottom line.
AMELIA
Presumptuous.
MR Love
But accurate?
AMELIA
It's an interesting theory.
MR Love
Oh, you're not in the red?
AMELIA
We're doing fine.
MR Love
That's... not the impression I get.
AMELIA
Alvina?
ALVINA
I might have... explained our situation.
AMELIA
(GROANS)
MR Love
As an actuary, what I do is risk assessment. I would look at any potential client of yours, and any disappearance plan you come up with, and make a projection, analyzing if this particular venture is a financial gamble or a safe bet.
AMELIA
We are perfectly capable of doing our own risk assessments, thank you very much. We don't take on any old client. We have an interview process - I don't know if you've met our interviewer already -
MR Love
I have! I didn't catch his name though?
AMELIA
He's Mr. Interviewer to you.
MR Love
Ooh, I love a bit of mystery! Now, as charming as Mr. Interviewer is, I do understand that he has a tendency of choosing clients based on whether he finds them interesting, rather than whether their case is profitable. Is that right?
AMELIA
I’m not prepared to discuss our business model with you.
MR Love
Fair enough. I completely understand. Although... I do also understand that - to the constant frustration of Alvina here - Mr. Mysterious has a knack for rather extravagant disappearances?
AMELIA
We are a boutique service.
MR Love
Which means sometimes, expenditure exceeds income. Which is unproblematic when things are going well, but when you're trying to rebuild your business from scratch -
AMELIA
How much did you tell him?
ALVINA
Not that much!
MR Love (CON’T)
You're down with a broken back and every choice counts. My job is to make sure you don't screw it up.
AMELIA
At what cost?
MR Love
A percentage.
AMELIA
I don't like percentages.
MR Love
Why not?
AMELIA
There are too many of them.
MR Love
Which is why they're so easy to divvy up.
AMELIA
Why should I trust you?
MR Love
Why shouldn't you?
AMELIA
We need to be very cautious about who we work with. You know what we do. We operate within the realm of justifiability, but not necessarily... legality.
MR Love
Oh, please. I am an actuary.
AMELIA
Which means?
MR Love
I work with numbers. Numbers have no morals. They don't lie to you. But, they can surprise you. They can slip out of your hands as easily as a bar of soap, and you're forced to bend over and pick it up. Which is a risky business.
AMELIA
Right...
MR Love
(JOKES) Most accidents happen at home!
AMELIA
Right.
MR Love
My job is to make numbers less slippery. When I work for clients like Honesty Insurance Incorporated or PriceFireHouseCoopers or Enron or Giuliani, Giuliani, Madoff & Giuiliani, my job is not to make their hands less slippery...
I only worry about the soap. If you see what I mean.
AMELIA
Yeah, I'm not sure I would brag about having worked for Enron.
MR Love
(GRIMLY) They fired me. And see how that went.
ALVINA
Amelia! I don't see why you're not excited? I'm solving a problem here!
AmeliA
Well, you sprung this on me like a yank-in-a-box, didn't you? No offense.
MR. LOVE
None taken.
ALVINA
I think I should be rewarded for showing initiative! Like when Arthur initiated Coq au Vin Fridays!
AMELIA
(SHARP) This is a little bit different than Coq au Vin Fridays, don't you think!?
MR LOVE
Who’s… Arthur?
ALVINA
No-one!
AMELIA
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
MR. LOVE
(TRYING TO BREAK THE WEIRD MOOD) So! Who do you need to screw around here to get a Budweiser and a bag of chips?
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS PUSHING A LITTLE TEA TROLLEY. THE WHEELS SQUEAK, THE CHINA RATTLES)
INTERVIEWER
How is it going?
MR. LOVE
Splendidly. I'm just getting to know your delightful colleagues.
INTERVIEWER
I've brought some cocoa, it’s just arrived from Les Deux Magots. Would you like to try some, Mr. Love?
MR. LOVE
You can call me Gareth.
(THE INTERVIEWER SERVES COCOA)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, here's your cup, Gareth!
MR. LOVE
Thank you, Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
You're welcome. Wait a minute - ! How did you know my middle name!?
MR. LOVE
Read it in your eyes.
(MR. LOVE SIPS THE COCOA)
MR. LOVE
Oh, it's heavenly! Won’t you have a cup with me Mr. Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
I... I... I have to watch my calories.
Mr. LOVE
Pah! (SENSUAL) This cocoa is nothing. You want to try Serendipity's hot chocolate ice cream with whipped cream swirl and chocolate shavings.
INTERVIEWER
That does sound delicious.
MR. LOVE
I just had a fab idea! What if Arthur came back to the US, with me?
ALVINA
What?
MR. LOVE
We can source some US clients, I follow the cases, work closely with Arthur... It would help me understand your, eh... novel business model. What'cha think?
INTERVIEWER
(CHARMED AND EXCITED) Ooh, uh…
MR. LOVE
My offices are in Denver. You ever been? The Mile High City! You're gonna love it! Plus, I do a lot of traveling, so you'd get to see the whole country!
INTERVIEWER
Well, it's been years! You know, last time I traveled route 66, it was in the back of a covered wagon!
MR. LOVE
(LAUGHS) That's funny! You're funny, Arthur.
ALVINA
Going to the US... is that really necessary?
MR. LOVE
Well, it only makes sense, doesn't it? If Arthur and I strike up a good working relationship, I'm sure Amelia here would feel a lot better about this whole collaboration!
AMEliA
(SCOFFS)
ALVINA
But, we have email and... We can just use a safe phone line?
MR. LOVE
That just wouldn't be the same! You can't see the Rocky Mountains from behind your laptop, now can you? You gotta go to the US to taste that true American flavor. I've got a bus, you know? A refashioned Greyhound. Looks just like the real deal on the outside, but on the inside, it's a full blown office, high tech computers, a media room, a Jacuzzi... I drive all over the country in that beauty.
INTERVIEWER
(INTRIGUED) Well, that sounds...!
MR. LOVE
Romantic?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! And it's a notch up from a covered wagon!
MR. LOVE
(LAUGH) She sure is! You haven't seen the states until you've taken in the Grand Canyon from a Jacuzzi.
INTERVIEWER
Hah!
MR. LOVE
You know what I love about the states?
INTERVIEWER
Mount Rushmore? The Statue of Liberty?
MR. LOVE
Our spunk! We're a nation in our prime. Our history hasn't even started gathering dust. We are the energetic, handsome twenty-something of countries! Britain? That's your old aunt, isn't it? China? A great grandmother, stuck in time. France? Your weird uncle mumbling in the corner. But the US? We're youthful, but grown. Strong, but not stale. Vital, vigorous and -
AMELIA
Volatile?
MR. LOVE
What's that?
AMELIA
Vitriolic? Vindictive? Vainglorious?
MR. LOVE
(PUT OFF) Virile. I was going to say virile.
AMELIA
Hah! I can agree with virile. The United States are like a dog humping the furniture.
MR. LOVE
You're American, aren't you?
AMELIA
By accent. Not by heart.
MR. LOVE
You're not a patriot?
AMELIA
Sure. I'm a patriot to the place I belong.
MR. LOVE
Which is where? Britain?
AMELIA
No.
MR. LOVE
France?
AMELIA
Certainly not.
MR. LOVE
Then I'm at a loss. Tell me.
AMELIA
The sky.
MR. LOVE
That's very poetic. You know, when I'm wearing my wingsuit, I also feel a sense of freedom and belonging which -
ALVINA
Should we get back on topic?
MR. LOVE
Right, of course! So. Arthur. Are you coming to the US with me? I can text my bud right now and tell him to set up a desk for you. Corner office, 34th floor, view of the Mile High City skyline...
Interviewer
Well, I must say, it is rather tempting...
Amelia
(SHARPLY) Alvina. A word.
(TO MR. LOVE AND THE INTERVIEWER) Excuse us one moment.
(WE FOLLOW AMELIA AND ALVINA OUT OF THE OFFICE. AMELIA IS FUMING)
AMELIA
What have you done?
ALVINA
I... I... I thought it would be such a good idea...
AMELIA
Next time you invite some sleazeball to our office to give us lectures and steal our employees, do me a favor and warn me?
ALVINA
He seemed really nice via email... I thought we'd really hit it off, I...
AMELIA
Oh, you did? Well he's certainly hit it off with someone.
ALVINA
What are we going to do? We can't let him go to Denver!
BEAT.
Amelia? Say something!
AMELIA
I'm thinking I wish we had Joey and Salvatore right now. Having ruthless and experienced killers just an intercom buzz away really had its advantages.
Alvina
(DETERMINED) I'll fix this.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
I'm going back in.
AMELIA
No! Nonono, you've done enough damage for today Alvina.
ALVINA
That's why I'm the one who has to sort this out.
Amelia
Alvina! What are you going to do? You're just going to make it worse! Alvina!
(ALVINA STRIDES INTO THE OFFICE, AMELIA FOLLOWS)
AMELIA
Alvina…?
MR. LOVE
Oh, you again.
ALVINA
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) I trust your stay with us so far has been satisfactory?
MR. LOVE
(ALL SMILES) Very satisfactory indeed. I think we'll all get what we came for and I think we're building a very special relationship!
ALVINA
I love that word. "Relationship". It covers all kinds of sins, doesn't it?
MR. LOVE
What do you mean?
ALVINA
I fear that this has become a bad relationship.
MR. LOVE
Sorry?
ALVINA
A relationship based on you, Mr. Love, taking what you want, and casually ignoring all the things that really matter to, erm... Amelia.
MR. LOVE
Eh...
ALVINA
(FINDING HER STRIDE) We may be a small organization, but we are a great one too. We are the organization that faked the death of the Loch Ness Monster. Zale Indigo Ravenheart. Tupac. We have great assets. Arthur's creativity. Amelia's determination. Kozlowski's right arm. Kozlowski's left arm. Kozlowski's middle arm, come to that.
INTERVIEWER
Actually, he got rid of that one again.
ALVINA
Well, for the time he had it, it was great! And I think a potential actuary who bullies us, is no longer a potential actuary, actually. And since Americans only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And Mr. Love, you should be prepared for that!
(ALVINA HEADS FOR THE DOOR)
MR. LOVE
Where are you going?
ALVINA
I've said my piece!
(ALVINA SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER)
BEAT.
AMELIA
So that's where we're at.
MR. LOVE
Anybody want some cocaine?
AMELIA
(GRINNING) It seems like your visit has come to an end, Mr. Love. You can show yourself out. Make sure you see the sights before you leave. The Eiffel Tower Light Show should be just about tacky enough for you to appreciate.
MR. LOVE
What do you say to this Arthur? I thought we had something going here.
Interviewer
(FIRMLY) I'll be sure to call if I'm ever in Denver.
MR. LOVE
Well. Then I guess it's goodbye. Here's my card. If you ever change your minds-
AMELIA
-we'll be sure to call. Now out you go.
MR. LOVE
Have a lovely rest of your day.
(MR. LOVE LEAVES)
INTERVIEWER
Well, that was an unexpected visit.
AMELIA
Ugh, I think I'd have preferred a singing Santa after all.
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
But that speech Alvina gave? That was quite something wasn't it! I'm impressed.
INTERVIEWER
Um, are you joking?
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
You do know she took that straight out of Love Actually!
AMELIA
Uh, what do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Love Actually!
AMELIA
Is that a film?
INTERVIEWER
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
AMELIA
Uh... no?
INTERVIEWER
Right, well, that settles it. We know what we're doing on Christmas Day.
AMELIA
Um... Ok...
(STEPS)
It's Alvina! Quick!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Hide behind my desk!
INTERVIEWER
What?!
AMELIA
This will be fun.
INTERVIEWER
(GETTING UNDER THE DESK) I don't understand.
AMELIA
Payback for bringing Mr. Love here.
(ALVINA ENTERS(
ALVINA
He's gone?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
(RELIEVED SIGH) Thank God. I'm so sorry Amelia. I... I thought it was such a good idea. To have less … slippery soap.
AMELIA
What difference does that make as long as we have slippery hands?
ALVINA
Well...
AMELIA
Everything about us is slippery. That's why we're still alive. Maybe our slippery-ness makes us drop the soap every now and then. Sure. But it also makes us slip out of any hands that try to grab us. Maybe our logo shouldn't be a phoenix, but an eel.
ALVINA
At least now we've got rid of him though, right? And the mince pies are ready, so I was thinking we could all-
AMELIA
Wait wait wait, what are you talking about?
ALVINA
You, me and Arthur. A little Christmas celebration. I know it's not really your thing, but don't you think the occasion calls for it? I mean after all we've been through recently and starting up in a new city and-
AMELIA (INTERRUPTING)
No no, you don't understand. They're on their way to the airport.
ALVINA
What?! He took Arthur?
AMELIA
Well of course.
ALVINA
PANICKING
I have to go!
(ALVINA GRABS HER COAT, KNOCKING THE COAT STAND OVER IN THE PROCESS. SHE FIGHTS THE COAT STAND FOR HER COAT, WHICH IS STUC)
Damn coat stand! Come on! I need my coat!
AMELIA
You won't catch up with them.
ALVINA
It's not over until it's over! Where is he flying from?
SHE MANAGES TO GET HER COAT LOOSE.
AMELIA
Probably Charles de Gaulle...?
ALVINA
I know a shortcut!
AMELIA
Watch the coat rack -
(ALVINA RUNS FOR THE DOOR, BUT STUMBLES OVER THE COAT RACK AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR)
ALVINA
Aaaah! Ouch!
(ALVINA IS ON THE FLOOR, BATTLING THE COAT RACK YET AGAIN, TRYING TO GET HER LEGS LOOSE. AMELIA WINCES IN SYMPATHY)
Ah! Come on!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS AND COMES OUT OF HIS HIDEOUT)
ALVINA
You?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Alvina! Did you attack the coat rack or did it attack you?
ALVINA
Wait, you didn't go to...?
INTERVIEWER
Of course not Alvina! Who do you take me for?
(ALVINA UNTANGLES HERSELF AND GETS UP)
ALVINA
But... you don't have a corner office? On the 34th floor? There's no Denver skyline?
INTERVIEWER
I can see the Paris skyline, can't I? From the snowy rooftop.
ALVINA
Oh…
INTERVIEWER
Besides, I don't want to work with any other team than you.
ALVINA
(RELIEVED) Oh... Huh! I was just imagining running madly through the airport...
AMELIA
You shouldn't have come out of your hiding place so soon!
ALVINA (CON’T)
...narrowly escaping security guards!
AMELIA
What if you got caught?!
ALVINA (CON’T)
I put on my coat in a way that if they grabbed it, they'd be left with just the coat in their hands!
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Just like Sam!
ALVINA
Exactly!
AMELIA
You could have got arrested and exposed the whole operation!
ALVINA
Well, drastic actions like that, it's the kind of thing you do, isn't it? For people you -
(SHE STOPS. A PAUSE)
AMELIA
Yes?
ALVINA
Work with.
INTERVIEWER
...work with?
ALVINA
Okay... Friends.
INTERVIEWER
You said "for people you...". That sentence doesn't end with the word "friends".
Alvina
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina...
ALVINA
Fine! For people you...
(EXCITED GASP BY THE INTERVIEWER)
Love. It's the kind of thing you do for people you love.
INTERVIEWER
Aw!
ALVINA
(TO SAVE FACE, SHE STARTS QUOTING) And! As dire chance and fateful... fate... would have it, here I am. Stuck in Paris.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES, PLAYS ALONG) And without being able to control it you've gone and spent the last nine years with...
ALVINA
Two workaholic employees!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) Hah! That's great!
AMELIA
Employ - ? I'm your boss!
INTERVIEWER
(KEEPS QUOTING) And as much as it grieves you to say it, it might be that the people you... love... are in fact...
ALVINA
You.
AMELIA
What is this? Some weird kind of negging? Do you love us, or are you stuck with us?
INTERVIEWER
(STILL QUOTING)
Well this is a surprise. Ten minutes with a sleazy American, and you're as...
ALVINA
...two-faced as Mount Rushmore!
INTERVIEWER
That would be four-faced!
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Even worse!
AMELIA
I am very confused.
INTERVIEWER
Come Christmas Day, you'll understand everything.
AMELIA
You guys are positively weird.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Fancy a trip to Charles de Gaulle Alvina? We could go to the arrival gate and-
AMELIA
Arrival gate? You haven't invited more surprise guests, have you?
ALVINA
No, it's just... If you get gloomy with the state of the world, it's a great place to go.
INTERVIEWER
You can watch fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, meeting again.
ALVINA
And realize that love really is... all around.
AMELIA
Like I said, you guys take weird to a new level.
Alvina
It's not weird, it's -
INTERVIEWER
Don't. It's better if she has the experience.
AMELIA
(HIGH-PITCHED) I'll... be in my office.
AMELIA LEAVES.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina... Why did you start quoting Hugh Grant's speech, specifically?
ALVINA
You must have seen what was happening?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
You know he was coming on to you, right? The guy even looked like Billy Bob Thornton!
INTERVIEWER
Now that you say it... And I guess you do look a little bit like Hugh Grant!
ALVINA
I do not!
INTERVIEWER
You do!
ALVINA
Hugh Grant?
INTERVIEWER
He's a very attractive fellow.
ALVINA
Yes, but... Hugh Grant? Me? Really?
INTERVIEWER
If I didn’t know you, and I saw you sitting next to Hugh Grant in a café, I would think you are twins!
ALVINA
Ha?!
INTERVIEWER
Not identical, but you know… Different sex kind of thing. But definitely related.
ALVINA
Uh…
(THEIR VOICES FADE OUT WITH MORE FRIENDLY BANTER, AND INTO THE THEME TUNE, A CHRISTMAS-Y VERSION, IT IS A LOVE ACTUALLY VERSION)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
Mr Love Actuary was written by Øystein Ulsberg Brager with audio editing by Philip Thorne, music and sound design by both Fredrik Baden and special guest sound designer and composer Adam Raymonda of Rogue Dialogue productions. Rogue Dialogue makes some of our favourite audio dramas, such as Forgive Me and Windfall, so it was a pleasure having Adam collaborate with us.
The episode featured Zach Valenti as Mr Love, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Tarquin as Sheba the cat.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and production assistance by Maty Parzival and sensitivity reading by Marius Leeknes Sneckevorg.
Thank you to all our patrons and a special shoutout to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie & Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Leferman, Elizabeth Curry, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui and JK Robbins.
To become part of our Patreon community and ensure the continuation of the show, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.
We’ll be taking a short break, but we will be releasing another compilation of listener voicemails soon, so if you want to be featured on the show, there’s still time to call us and leave us your disappearance request, or you can also send your audio clip via email to implodingfictions@gmail.com Simply tell us why you need to disappear and how you want to reappear.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
THE AMELIA OFFICES. AMELIA, ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE WATCHING LOVE ACTUALLY.
THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA ARE THE VERY PICTURE OF HOLIDAY CHEER. AMELIA NOT SO MUCH...
ALVINA
I'll just pause this for a second... More mince pies anyone?
AMELIA
(DISTRACTED)I'm good.
INTERVIEWER
Do you want more punch, Alvina?
ALVINA
Don't mind if I do!
(THE INTERVIEWER POURS PUNCH)
ALVINA
Don't pour so slowly! The scene with the octopus costume is coming up!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, the octopus costume! I love the expression on that boy's face!
AMELIA
(CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE) Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on! You said this was a romantic film!
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
AMELIA (CON’T)
That was the only reason I agreed to watch it!
ALVINA
But... it is?
INTERVIEWER
It's a romantic comedy...?
AMELIA
It is absolutely not!
INTERVIEWER
What are you talking about?
AMELIA
Eh…?! This is a film about a grieving widower, a guy who almost cheats on his wife and de facto ruins their marriage, a woman who misses out on a chance of real love because she thinks she has to choose responsibility over self care, an old rock'n'roll artist who realizes he's wasted his life, and a creep who stalks his best friend's wife!
INTERVIEWER
Well...
ALVINA
I mean...
AMELIA
Then add on to that the blatant misogyny! Like the storyline with that idiot redhead who is angling for whatever STDs he can get in the US? Well, what a charming portrayal of young American women that was! Or the way that Natalie character is constantly made fun of for her body type? Not to mention the maid! Whom we are supposed to believe falls in love with a chauvinist writer who seems to have some bizarre fetish that makes him unable to finish his novel unless he has a woman cleaning his rented cottage every single day, despite it being - what? - twelve square feet?
HOW DO YOU EVEN LIKE THIS FILM!?!?
ALVINA
(DEFIANT) Well, I think it's romantic.
INTERVIEWER
I do too!
AMELIA
(PLEADING) Is there any chance we can watch something else?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
We're almost at the part where Sam runs through the airport!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you're going love that bit!
ALVINA
It is so sweet!
AMELIA
(A SOUND OF LONG, DRAWN OUT PAIN)
ALVINA
And Joanna is about to sing "All I Want For Christmas Is You"! That always fills me with holiday cheer!
INTERVIEWER
Should we sing along!?
ALVINA
Lets! Are you ready?
INTERVIEWER
(DOES A MINI VOCAL WARM UP) As ready as I'll ever be!
ALVINA
I'll hit play then!
AMELIA
(EVEN LOUDER SUFFERING)
END.