EPISODE 49 - M. RÊVE PIP Today’s episode is dedicated to our longest running super patron, Sophia Anderson. Thanks Sophia for your support over all these years, and thanks to all our patrons who keep the cocoa flowing. Enjoy the show. (PROLOGUE) AMELIA (ON THE ANSWERPHONE) Congratulations. You have reached The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. If you continue, there is no return. Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us. If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. M. RÊVE (FRENCH ACCENT) This is Monsieur Rêve calling back. Did you know I had a dream telling me that you would contact moi? There was a diamond speckled hen and it jumped over a mouse who was a thousand miles high! The signs were crystal clear! I have an appointment for you on Thursday at two o'clock. Au revoir! Or should I say: Au rêvé-oir? (LAUGHTER) (THEME TUNE. A NEW VARIATION) INTRO The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 49, Monsieur Rêve. M. RÊVE's DREAM INTERPRETORIUM. (A TINY ROOM. WIND CHIMES, INCENSE, TRICKLING WATER FROM A SMALL FOUNTAIN / WATER DISPLAY) (THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS THROUGH A BEAD CURTAIN. HE FIGHTS THE BEADS FOR A BIT) M. RÊVE Welcome... INTERVIEWER Oh, hello… M. RÊVE Was it difficult to find me? INTERVIEWER Uh… No? Rue Merveille, left off Avenue Cauchemar. The purple door with the painted stars. The only logical place in Paris for a business like yours. M. RÊVE (SCOFFS) Logic doesn't enter through these doors, monsieur... Your name? INTERVIEWER I would prefer to stay anonymous. M. RÊVE Ah! Monsieur Anonyme it is! You know, Monsieur Anonyme, only the bravest souls dare enter Monsieur Rêve's Dream Interpretorium... INTERVIEWER Huh? Why is that? M. RÊVE Because dreams reveal truths for which we may not be prepared! INTERVIEWER Yes, but that's why I'm here. No, you see, I can't get this dream out of my head. It was rather unsettling. So, I've decided I need to know the meaning of this dream, otherwise I- M. RÊVE (INTERRUPTING) Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! You are already mistaken, Monsieur Anonyme! INTERVIEWER Excuse me?! Oh, what? So, I didn't have a dream? M. RÊVE Of course you did. But you cannot come here seeking meaning! INTERVIEWER Don't you interpret dreams? I thought this was a dream im- M. RÊVE My interpretations reveal truth! Not meaning. (PAUSE) INTERVIEWER (UNIMPRESSED) Aren’t those the same thing? M. RÊVE Oh, monsieur… If I ask you: "What is the meaning of life?" And then I ask you: "What is the truth of life?" Do you give me the same answer? INTERVIEWER No, probably not. M. RÊVE Pas. Du. Tout! Are you ready for this Monsieur Anonyme? It may be uncomfortable. Even painful! INTERVIEWER Painfu- Uh… Eh… M. RÊVE (CON’T) But! Ultimately you will leave Monsieur Rêve's Dream Interpretorium a wiser man! INTERVIEWER Yes, yes… I'm ready. M. RÊVE Then take a seat! INTERVIEWER Thank you. Uh… Uhm… Oh, you want me to sit on the floor? M. RÊVE (MYSTERIOUS VOICE) No, monsieur, just take the chair, right there. INTERVIEWER Uh... Yes, monsieur, but… there is no chair… right there… M. RÊVE Oh? There is no chair? Oh, there is no chair? Well what do you mean Sir, what do you mean by that? INTERVIEWER Well, I mean this room is very dimly lit, but... I am pretty sure there is no chair… M. RÊVE Did you dream about a chair, Sir? INTERVIEWER Why does it matter if I dreamed about- Uhm, yes, actually, as a matter of fact I think I did. M. RÊVE Aha! What kind of a chair, monsieur? An armchair, a desk chair, an egg chair, a massage chair, a folding chair, a rocking chair, a cuddler chair, a dentist's chair, a wheelchair, a pushchair, a high chair, a swivel chair, a deck chair, the electric chair or maybe an adirondack chair with a light blue stripe and a side table with a crossword puzzle and a Singapore Sling? INTERVIEWER No. It wasn't any of those. It was an Early 15th century Italian Renaissance throne chair in walnut with pierce carved acanthus leaves, a bird crest, lion heads and a central carved medallion engraved with the bust of a soldier. It was standing opposite an orange Proust Lowchair by Alessandro Mendini. M. RÊVE Monsieur! Two chairs! INTERVIEWER Yes... two chairs. Why - Is that significant? M. RÊVE Did the 15th Century chair look anything like... this? INTERVIEWER Mount me like a rocking horse! Where did that early 15th century Italian Renaissance throne chair in walnut with pierce carved acanthus leaves, a bird crest, lion heads and a central carved medallion engraved with the bust of a soldier come from?! M. RÊVE M. Rêve's Dream Interpretorium holds many secrets... Please, sit. (THE INTERVIEWER SITS. HE TRIES TO FIND A COMFORTABLE POSITION TO SIT IN. HE CAN'T) INTERVIEWER (QUIETLY) Oh, I almost got a splinter… (LOUDER) It's not very comfortable. M. RÊVE I did warn you, Sir. This might not be a comfortable experiencé. INTERVIEWER Right... May I have a drink? A warm one, if possible. M. RÊVE Of course. (M. RÊVE GETS UP. HE POURS COFFEE INTO A CHINA CUP) INTERVIEWER Ah! Is that...!? M. RÊVE Cafê Creme, fresh from Café de la Paix! As dark as the devil's soul, as smooth as an angel's wings! INTERVIEWER (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Well. M. RÊVE You don't like coffee? INTERVIEWER Oh, nonono. For a second I thought it was... never mind. (THE INTERVIEWER TAKES A SIP) INTERVIEWER Huh… (SURPRISED SOUNDS OF PLEASURE) M. RÊVE I told you, it is good! (THE INTERVIEWER TAKES ANOTHER SIP, THEN ANOTHER ONE. HAPPY SOUNDS) INTERVIEWER But...! It can't be...! M. RÊVE Café de la Paix serves the best Café Crème in Paris! The perfect companion to revelations, concessions and lies! INTERVIEWER Are you sure this is Café Crème? M. RÊVE Oui. Why? INTERVIEWER It doesn't taste like Café Crème. M. RÊVE No? INTERVIEWER It tastes like... cocoa! Specifically cocoa from Les Deux Magots! M. RÊVE Do you prefer cocoa? INTERVIEWER I do. Uhm… M. RÊVE Mysterious... But then, we are not strangers to the strange here at Monsieur Rêve's Dream Interpretorium. We unveil the dream and stare into its face of terror and luminescence! INTERVIEWER Yes, but this is not a dream! M. RÊVE Are you sure, monsieur? INTERVIEWER What… (HESITATES) Could I please have a glass of water instead? I don't think I can drink this. M. RÊVE But it tastes like cocoa, and you said you preferred cocoa? INTERVIEWER I do, but this is unsettling. M. RÊVE Not to worry. I will get you some water. (M. RÊVE POURS A GLASS OF WATER) INTERVIEWER Thank you. (THE INTERVIEWER TAKES A HUGE SIP, FROWNS AUDIBLY) INTERVIEWER Dip me in sprinkles and call me a cupcake! M. RÊVE Now what is wrong with the water?! INTERVIEWER It also tastes like cocoa! (THE INTERVIEWER LICKS HIS HAND) INTERVIEWER My hand tastes like cocoa! (HE LICKS MORE THINGS. UNDEFINABLE EMOTIONS) INTERVIEWER (WHILE LICKING) My sleeve! My bow tie! My teeth! Everything tastes like cocoa! M. RÊVE And whatever he touched, it turned to gold... INTERVIEWER Ugh, I feel a bit sick. I don't think I'll drink anything... M. RÊVE Suit yourself; monsieur, but I would also ask you to refrain from licking anything further as well. INTERVIEWER (SPLUTTERING) I think I should just tell you about the dream that brings me here. M. RÊVE Oui! Commence! INTERVIEWER My dream begins in a room very much like this. I enter through a velvet curtain - M. RÊVE Not a bead curtain? INTERVIEWER No. Thick, blue velvet. Is that significant? M. RÊVE It may be yes or maybe no. Go on. INTERVIEWER I enter a darkly lit room with burning incense and wind chimes and a water display - (REALISES) It was this room! Now that I think about it, it was this very room! M. RÊVE Très intéressant! INTERVIEWER How odd. I must have been here before... I mean… How else could I dream about it? M. RÊVE How indeed. INTERVIEWER Although... In my dream, that sofa wasn't there, there was an aquarium instead. But there were no fish, just a coral reef. And I wasn’t me. M. RÊVE Who are you in this dream? INTERVIEWER I work for Cadbury's, testing new chocolate inventions. M. RÊVE Sounds like a fun job! INTERVIEWER Yes, it is, but I'm not happy. M. RÊVE Why not? INTERVIEWER Because of a bad dream. M. RÊVE Oh, no monsieur, I meant why weren't you happy in the dream? INTERVIEWER Because I had a bad dream. M. RÊVE No, I mean- INTERVIEWER Yes! I’m in a dream! I’m dreaming in the dream that I had a bad dream. I had a bad dream in the dream- M. RÊVE Ah, monsieur, so you mean you’d had a bad dream, just one level down, in this dream? INTERVIEWER That’s right! And so I came here to get it interpreted. M. RÊVE And what happened next? INTERVIEWER Well… The Dream Interpreter in the dream asks what the dream was about, and so I start re-living the dream. M. RÊVE And...? INTERVIEWER And the dream-dream takes place in a room almost like this! M. RÊVE (UNDER HIS BREATH) Oh lord... INTERVIEWER (CON’T) Only the armchair you're sitting in was over there, and the Dream Interpreter was a rhino and there was a silk curtain, not a velvet curtain. But there was a sofa. M. RÊVE And were you yourself in this dream-dream? INTERVIEWER No, I… I was a… a pika. M. RÊVE Monsieur pardon - a what? INTERVIEWER In this dream I was an Ili Pika. It-It's a small Chinese mammal. And I - the pika - say to you - the rhino - M. RÊVE (OFFENDED) I am nothing like a rhino! INTERVIEWER Yes, no, no, I mean no offence. I know that you’re not a rhino, I mean, my dream-you were a- M. RÊVE (INTERRUPTING) Well, maybe an eagle, Sir, maybe if you called me an eagle, flapping nobly above the canyon or a lion, hunting down my prey in the savanna, but not a- a stinky-bottomed wobbly rhino?! INTERVIEWER Well, I mean… the rhino was peeking at me over a pair of horn rimmed glasses, much like the ones you’re wearing now…? M. RÊVE (SCOFFS) INTERVIEWER Yes, well, anyway. I tell the rhino: "I had a dream! But now it's gone and I can't remember it!" And… Well, you see, losing the dream left me rather devastated. M. RÊVE Nobody likes losing things, dreams, keys… INTERVIEWER Yes, but then the rhino, you see, reaches into a jar - M. RÊVE Oh… What a large jar… INTERVIEWER (CON’T) - and he throws a handful of glitter in the air! And then suddenly - ! M. RÊVE Without thinking - let’s not get bogged down. You can remember your dream now! INTERVIEWER Yes! Then I can remember my dream! M. RÊVE So. This dream within a dream, within the dream- in the- within the layers of the dream- Sir, it appears we have prepared some sort of dream-lasagna and it is confusing, confusing and upsetting. But did the dream take place in a room like this? INTERVIEWER No, no. It took place on a yacht. M. RÊVE Ah! Thank god! I think we are all getting a bit tired of this room! INTERVIEWER But that sofa was there, and that desk and the incense and that water display and that bead curtain. Plus a velvet curtain and a silk curtain. M. RÊVE (DISAPPOINTED) Ah. So despite being on a yacht, it is a yacht that looks remarkably like this room, Sir? INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLING) Ah, yes that’s true- And you were there! M. RÊVE I was? INTERVIEWER Yes. M. RÊVE And this time I wasn't some disgusting stinky horned animal? INTERVIEWER No, you looked like you. Which is strange now that I think about it. We must have met before! M. RÊVE Oh, well Sir, we must have. What would the other explanation be? INTERVIEWER Yes… You see. We were on deck, and you kept walking in and out of the curtains, disappearing and reappearing, but never reappearing from the same curtains behind which you'd just vanished. And all the time you were chanting this eerie verse... M. RÊVE Do you recall the verse, Monsieur? INTERVIEWER Yes… (SOFTLY SINGING) "Me oh my Me oh my I know when you're going to die!" BEAT. Oh...! I remember now! M. RÊVE What is it, Monsieur? INTERVIEWER The first thing that frightened me! M. RÊVE Me, eerily chanting that I knew when you were going to die was- was not the first thing to frighten you first…? INTERVIEWER You had disappeared and I was waiting to see which curtain you would appear from next, when you suddenly sit next to me holding a fan in front of your face. So I ask: "Are you feeling hot?" And you wave the fan quickly, and I smile, and you flick the fan closed and I can see... ...that you have my face! M. RÊVE Okay, so first I am a rhino, and now I am a coquettish fan-waving version of you, Sir, I'm not sure what is worse. INTERVIEWER (CON’T) Seeing my own face staring back at me, I close my eyes in shock, but when I open them again I'm no longer on the yacht. I find myself in an empty theater. It's the dead of night, and no one else is there. I am standing on stage looking into the huge auditorium when I hear a sound. It’s… It’s a gust of wind, rushing through the stalls. Followed by the distinct smell of Limburger cheese. M. RÊVE Do you like Limburger cheese? INTERVIEWER Oh, I mean can take it or leave it. I call into the empty hall: "Hello! Is there anybody out there?" And the wind answers: "No! No-one here!" M. RÊVE (LAUGHS) Hah! Naughty wind. INTERVIEWER (CON’T) Then a spotlight comes up in the middle of the auditoriuM. Propped up between the seats is... a mirror. I know I must look into this mirror. So I walk into the auditorium. As I stroll up the aisle, I hear snippets of music, voices and laughter echoing through the air. Memories from my long life as a thespian. M. RÊVE Ah. You are an actor? INTERVIEWER (COY) Well, I mean, I have been known to tread the boards, I did play the grave digger in Hamlet once - but the person in the dream is not me. I am a famous diva, loved by many, feared by all! As I approach the mirror, the sounds fade, all other lights dim, just the spotlight remains. I know the mirror is the end. My final bow. I will never again feel the heat of the footlights. But I must look into that mirror. M. RÊVE If Monsieur is about to say that you saw your own face again... I must inform you… that is what happens when you look in a mirror! Most of the time. INTERVIEWER (CON’T) I close my eyes. Position myself. Open my eyes and look into the mirror! (A LONG SILENCE) M. RÊVE Well, what is it Monsieur sees? INTERVIEWER This room. M. RÊVE Oh for... INTERVIEWER But where you are sitting... Harlequino. In his brightly colored outfit and his red and black mask. Smiling. (PAUSE) That's it. That's the dream. And I can't make head or tail of it. It keeps flashing in front of my eyes, over and over and over. So- So I need you to make sense of it for me. Or - as you say - find the truth in it. M. RÊVE Monsieur Anonyme! You have come to the right place! INTERVIEWER (RELIEVED) Thank god! (M. RÊVE JUMPS UP) M. RÊVE Let us start the Dream Interpretorium! INTERVIEWER What do you mean "start"? I already told my story? M. RÊVE Yes! (M. RÊVE STARTS TURNING A RUSTY CRANK. SLOWLY, A FAIRGROUND MELODY IS YANKED INTO GEAR, FOLLOWED BY THE MECHANIC SOUNDS OF WHEELS AND COGS. IT IS LIKE THE WHOLE ROOM IS THE INSIDE A MUSIC BOX OR THE MOTOR OF A MERRY-GO-ROUND.) (M. RÊVE'S VOICE STARTS SPINNING AROUND AS WELL) M. RÊVE (OVER THE NOISE AND MUSIC) And now your dream is in the air! Captured between these walls! Saturating every speck of dust, every atom, every particle of light! And the Dream Interpretorium will work it's magic, pull your dream apart, sift the ions and filtrate the quarks, and between the colors, the sounds, the vibrations, it will! find! your! TRUTH! MUSIC! MECHANICS! DIZZYING SPINNING AROUND! INTERVIEWER Whooooooa! (IT GOES ON FOR A WHILE, THEN STUMBLES TO A HALT) (SILENCE) M. RÊVE Your truth is ready for you, Monsieur Anonyme. INTERVIEWER I'm dizzy. M. RÊVE The Dream Interpretorium has revealed the hidden answers, Monsieur. INTERVIEWER What are they? M. RÊVE Your dream... It is complex... yet simple! It is confusing... yet clear as day! It is terrifying... yet encouraging! INTERVIEWER Yes… Uh? Encouraging? M. RÊVE Mais oui! First: You said there was an aquarium? INTERVIEWER Yes? Although I didn’t- M. RÊVE Truth often hides in the details! INTERVIEWER I thought the devil was in the details? M. RÊVE Exactly! Then you were on a yacht - Sailing on the ocean I presume? INTERVIEWER I guess. M. RÊVE (CON’T) And then finally, you looked into the mirror - and isn't a mirror just like the surface of a still pond? INTERVIEWER Or the other way around? M. RÊVE Your dream is full of water, Monsieur Anonyme! And water signifies... constancy! INTERVIEWER Come again? M. RÊVE The constant, monsieur Anonyme. L'eau - wasser - aqua - it is one of the constants of life! We always need it, it is always inside of us, it is always available! INTERVIEWER That doesn't seem - M. RÊVE Secondly: You dreamed about a rhino. Then a pikachu. INTERVIEWER An ili pika. M. RÊVE Both household species! INTERVIEWER Uhm - M. RÊVE Animals known to any four year old! INTERVIEWER The rhino maybe - M. RÊVE What does this tell us, Monsieur? INTERVIEWER Nothing? M. RÊVE (LAUGHS) Monsieur Anonyme, you are funny! (SUDDENLY) WHAT - does this tell us, monsieur Anonyme!? INTERVIEWER I - I don't know? M. RÊVE Take constancy and add to it the commonplace and you get... INTERVIEWER (INTRIGUED) Yes? M. RÊVE The truth. The truth, Monsieur Anonyme, is that you are bored! Things are too much the same. You crave adventure, and yet you feel you have grown stale, like an old baguette in an abandoned boulangerie. Your roots have dug too deep. INTERVIEWER (DOUBTFUL) Really? M. RÊVE That is what the Dream Interpretorium says. And the Dream Interpretorium is never wrong. INTERVIEWER Alright... But what about the fact that I keep seeing the wrong thing reflected? M. RÊVE Do you doubt Monsieur Rêve and the power of the one and only Dream Interpretorium in the world!? INTERVIEWER Well - M. RÊVE Do you!? INTERVIEWER Uhm - M. RÊVE DO YOU MONSIEUR ANONYME!?! INTERVIEWER UHM… M. RÊVE (DROPS THE ACCENT. COMPLETE CHANGE OF TONE AND DEMEANOUR) How did I do? INTERVIEWER Eh? M. RÊVE How did I do!? How was the interpretation? INTERVIEWER What’s happened to your accent? M. RÊVE Come on! Come on! Tell me! How was it!? INTERVIEWER Well - to be honest - it was really bad. M. RÊVE (SCOFFS) Really? Was it? INTERVIEWER Yes. M. RÊVE Really? INTERVIEWER Yes! M. RÊVE Was it really though? INTERVIEWER Yes!! M. RÊVE You’re telling me it wasn’t good at all? INTERVIEWER It wasn’t good at all! M. RÊVE Not even a bit good, it wasn’t slightly good? INTERVIEWER My good man - it was shit. M. RÊVE But why? INTERVIEWER Why? Oh come on! Because it made no sense! Pika's aren't commonplace! And water does not signify constancy! Water's the element of change! That's something any four year old could tell you! M. RÊVE But - INTERVIEWER (CON’T) You didn't even mention any of the things that actually frightened me. Instead you just kept harping on about insignificant details! M. RÊVE But the music and the lights and the smoke and- INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING) I've had enough of this! I'm out of here! (THE INTERVIEWER GETS UP AND HEADS FOR THE EXIT) M. RÊVE Please! Wait! Give me another chance! INTERVIEWER Good day to you, Sir! (THE INTERVIEWER EXITS THROUGH THE BEAD CURTAIN. HE WALKS STRAIGHT INTO A THICK VELVET CURTAIN) INTERVIEWER (STRUGGLING TO FIND THE OPENING IN THE CURTAIN) Where did this velvet curtain come from? And where is the opening? Ah! There it is. (WHEN GOING THROUGH THE CURTAINS, THE INTERVIEWER FINDS HIMSELF BACK IN THE DREAM INTERPRETORIUM... BUT THE ROOM IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. DIFFERENT SOUNDS FROM THE WIND CHIMES, THE WATER FOUNTAIN IS ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE ROOM IS BIGGER, HARDER WALLS) M. RÊVE (WITH THE ACCENT AGAIN) Monsieur Anonyme! I am so glad you are back. INTERVIEWER Oh… Wasn’t I just leaving... M. RÊVE Oh, but you just got here… INTERVIEWER Did I? My memory is a bit fuzzy - M. RÊVE You are tired from the walk, monsieur. Please, sit. INTERVIEWER Ugh, thank you. But - there's no chair? M. RÊVE Did you dream about a chair? INTERVIEWER No…? not that I can remember, no chairs - M. RÊVE Not even one... like this? INTERVIEWER (EXCITED) An orange Proust Lowchair by Alessandro Mendini! Where the devil did that come from? M. RÊVE (LAUGHING) M. Rêve's Dream Interpretorium holds many mysteries! (THE INTERVIEWER SITS) INTERVIEWER It's not very comfortable. M. RÊVE Have a pillow. INTERVIEWER Thank you. (LAUGHS) Cute pattern. Rhinos! M. RÊVE You are here today because you wanted to give me a second chance to interpret your dream. INTERVIEWER Oh, yes, that must be it... M. RÊVE I have the answer for you now, monsieur. INTERVIEWER Yes? M. RÊVE Oui! The Dream Interpretorium has been tirelessly at work since you left. Every night the machine has gone “clank” and “clonk” and sometimes “bonk”, and the music has played until the birds on our roof have started repeating the tune! It has been hard, Sir. No sleep. And many dead birds. INTERVIEWER Oh dear. I’m sorry about the birds. M. RÊVE Don't be! All work no play makes Jacques very successful! (SINGS, THE INTERVIEWER JOINS IN) Frère Jacques! Frère Jacques! Dormez vous? Rêvez-vous? (THEY BOTH LAUGH) In the end a deeper truth was revealed. INTERVIEWER Really? What? M. RÊVE I am sorry to break this to you, Monsieur Arthur mon amie, but you've had a premonition. INTERVIEWER A premonition? Like a bad omen? Wait - how do you know my name? M. RÊVE But monsieur I do not! INTERVIEWER But monsieur you do! You just said my middle name! M. RÊVE I said Monsieur Anonyme, it is my cute nickname for you. You must have misheard. INTERVIEWER Maybe... So - a premonition? M. RÊVE Well monsieur, you have predicted a major catastrophe! INTERVIEWER Oh no! Is it an earthquake? A tsunami? An alien invasion!? M. RÊVE There will be a worldwide shortage - INTERVIEWER Oh! Famine! M. RÊVE (CON’T) - of Maltesers. INTERVIEWER (SUFFERING) Oh no!!! M. RÊVE But fear not! Now that you know, you can stock up! INTERVIEWER Yes, yes! I must. I really must. BEAT. Wait a minute - how did you read that from my dream? M. RÊVE Hm? INTERVIEWER It's ludicrous! M. RÊVE Monsieur! Do you doubt the power of Monsieur Rêve's Dream Interpretorium!? INTERVIEWER Yes I do! There was nothing in my dream about Maltesers or shortages or even chocolate! And I love chocolate, I dream about chocolate all the time! M. RÊVE Monsieur, monsieur… You seem agitated. Perhaps you would like a hot drink to calm down. I have here a Redbush with Gold Leaves, specially delivered from La Fontaine de Belleville. It's what I always serve, it goes perfectly with a little bit of insight and also a scotch of enlightenment. (PAUSE) INTERVIEWER Listen, Monsieur Rêve! Your so-called interpretation is absurd! I mean it's like you didn't even listen to what I said! You didn't use any known methods of dream interpretation! There wasn't a single mention of Adler or Freud or Hall or Jung, nor even any references to mythological archetypes! Monsieur Rêve - M. RÊVE Oui, monsieur? INTERVIEWER You're a hack! M. RÊVE (DROPS THE ACCENT AGAIN) Well… Yes, of course I am! INTERVIEWER What- What do you mean of course you are?! M. RÊVE Of course I'm a hack! You know that better than anyone! INTERVIEWER I would- How would I-?! M. RÊVE Because it was you were the one who set me up with this ridiculous identity in the first place! Remember? London, 2008? I came to you when I lost my job at the confectionary factory. That was after I confused synthetic fertiliser for bon bons and accidentally blew up the Duchess of Bracknell's fairground themed wedding! I was lucky I wasn’t arrested! You suggested this identity, "Mister Dream", this place! You decided Paris was the right city for me to start anew - the whole Dream Interpretorium-idea was yours! This is your idea that you don’t like! INTERVIEWER If you knew who I was, why ask my name? Why interpret my dream? M. RÊVE Oh, I don’t know. I thought you were being weird. You know… Doing a bit of roleplaying. Checking in on me, as if you cared… INTERVIEWER A bit of role-play? M. RÊVE It’s a show! INTERVIEWER (DRAMATICALLY) Oh! So you admit it’s a show! M. RÊVE (MOCKING THE INTERVIEWER’S TONE) Yes! It’s a show! I make up any old bollocks and people lap it up! And to be fair, despite what you seem to think, I'm actually very good at this! The spiel is down, the accent is perfect- INTERVIEWER (UNDER HIS BREATH) (SARCASTIC CHUCKLE) Ah, yes… M. RÊVE That's what makes me one of the world's leading dream interpreters! INTERVIEWER (DOUBTFUL) You are one of the world's leading dream interpreters? M. RÊVE (A LITTLE HURT) You really don't remember my case? INTERVIEWER I don't! I don't remember- To be honest, I don't even remember how I got here. M. RÊVE Rue Merveille, left off Avenue Cauchemar. The green door with the painted stars…? INTERVIEWER (SOBERLY) Oh yes. The only logical place in Paris for a business like this! M. RÊVE Which is why you chose this spot and which is why we built this machine. I painted the door, you painted the stars. I mean… It was quite nice actually. INTERVIEWER (TRIES TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION) Huh. Well I think it's time for you to reinvent yourself again! Yes! This Dream Interpretorium of yours is nothing but some sticks of incense and a shabby sofa and an... empty aquarium! When you are ready to move on, call us! Yes. Goodbye. (THE INTERVIEWER GETS UP AND WALKS OUT THROUGH A SET OF SILK CURTAINS) Weren't these curtains velvet a moment ago? M. RÊVE (WITH THE ACCENT AGAIN) Ah monsieur, these curtains have always been silk! INTERVIEWER Hogwash! Cheap magic tricks! Ropes and pulleys! (THE INTERVIEWER WALKS OUT) PAUSE. (HE COMES BACK IN AGAIN) INTERVIEWER Now see here I feel like this isn't over until we toast. Do you have any champagne? M. RÊVE Well, ever since you and I toasted with Veuve Clicquot back in London, I can't drink anything else. (M. RÊVE FINDS AND OPENS A BOTTLE) INTERVIEWER Well, yes, it is rather good, isn’t it… (M. RÊVE POURS TWO FLUTES) M. RÊVE Well. What do we toast to? INTERVIEWER To... uh... M. RÊVE Longevity! INTERVIEWER Oh, no, no, no. M. RÊVE Continuity! INTERVIEWER No, no, no, no. (THEY BOTH PONDER FOR A WHILE) M. RÊVE Interruptions…! INTERVIEWER No, no, no, no M. RÊVE (QUIETLY) Fine, fine… Lot of no’s, not a lot of ideas, is there… Make a suggestion… Not just… shooting all of mine down… INTERVIEWER Well, I suppose we could toast to champaign…? M. RÊVE No, no that would be stupid… (THEY PONDER SOME MORE) M. RÊVE Uncertainty…? INTERVIEWER Maybe... Cheers. M. RÊVE Cheers. (THEY CLINK) INTERVIEWER …tastes like cocoa… (END THEME TUNE) PIP Stay tuned for credits and epilogue, but first an announcement. Incredible as it seems, we’re coming up to our five year anniversary, so we’ve got some special events planned for later this year, including a behind the scenes episode. For that episode we’d also love to have some contributions from you, our listeners, so if you’d like to record an audio clip telling us how you found the show, or what your favourite episode is, or maybe you have a funny story or anecdote related to the show, anything you’d like to share with us, you can record an audio message on your phone and email it to implodingfictions@gmail.com We’d love to hear from you, and we might even use your message as part of the show! This episode was written by Oystein Brager, with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne. It was designed by special guest sound designer Alexander Danner, who is behind such wonderful shows as Greater Boston and What’s the Frequency. Music by Fredrik Baden, direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager and engineering by Dominic Hargreaves. The episode featured Tim Meredith as Monsieur Rêve, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Julia Morizawa as Amelia. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. To all our patrons, whether you’re supporting us with two dollars, twenty dollars or more, thank you, we couldn’t do this without you, and on that note a shoutout to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Rushabh Shukla, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, JK Robbins and Angel Acevedo. Next Friday we’re releasing a new Patreon only bonus episode, the next instalment of The Alvina Archives titled “Casino Fatale”, it’ll be available as from the 5 dollar tier, so if you haven’t already, do consider going to ameliapodcast.com and signing up as a patron. Every new signup makes our day. And now, the epilogue. EPILOGUE. THE AMELIA OFFICES. (ALVINA ENTERS) INTERVIEWER Good morning Alvina! ALVINA (YAWNING) Morning. Do we have any coffee? INTERVIEWER Coffee?! ALVINA Yes. Do you know if there is any? INTERVIEWER But you never drink coffee. You drink tea! ALVINA Nothing in that cupboard… (ALVINA STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH A CUPBOARD. SHE OPENS ANOTHER CUPBOARD) INTERVIEWER Are you sure you don't want some cocoa? We got a fresh delivery only a minute ago. ALVINA If there's ever been a morning for a big, black coffee, this is it. Nothing in here either... I might have to go back out again and get a take away coffee. (SHE OPENS ANOTHER CUPBOARD AND FINDS THE JAR) There it is! I found the coffee jar! INTERVIEWER Are you okay? ALVINA I'm fine, I was just very startled when I woke up. It ruined my whole morning. (ALVINA STARTS MAKING COFFEE) INTERVIEWER Startled how? ALVINA It's silly. INTERVIEWER Tell me. ALVINA I woke from a nightmare. INTERVIEWER You too? ALVINA You also had a nightmare? INTERVIEWER I haven't been that frightened in years! I woke up in a cold sweat! ALVINA Me too! What was your nightmare about? INTERVIEWER You first! ALVINA I dreamed that - (AMELIA ENTERS.) AMELIA (WITH A YAWN) Jumping Jesus! ALVINA Good morning to you too. AMELIA Do we have any coffee? I can hardly keep my eyes open! ALVINA I'm making some right now. INTERVIEWER Rough night? AMELIA Tell me about it... INTERVIEWER Were you working? AMELIA No, sleeping! INTERVIEWER That's normally not that exhausting. AMELIA It is if you have dreams like mine. ALVINA You also had a dream? AMELIA Did I have a dream!? Hah! Wait - what do you mean "also"? ALVINA What was your dream about? AMELIA Well, it was a nightmare actually. The likes of which I haven't had since I was a child. INTERVIEWER What happened? ALVINA Yes, what happened? AMELIA (SUFFERING) Coffee first. Then I'll tell you all about it… THE END.