EPISODE 5: SIIRI
PROLOGUE
BEEP.
THE ANSWER PHONE MESSAGE:
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there’s no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
SIIRI
Your answerphone message is paradoxical. If there is no phone call, how could I hear the message? You have already been paid. It’s not my money. It doesn’t belong to anyone. It is in fact not money at all, only numbers on your computer. If you consider this illegal, we can have a long conversation about the international credit system. I will meet you in exactly four hours, two minutes and forty-three seconds. Please be on time.
BEEP.
THEME TUNE.
THE INTERVIEW
INTRO CREDITS
The Amelia Project. By Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 5.
THE SOUND OF A DOT MATRIX PRINTER.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry. Slow printer.
INTRO CREDITS (CONT.)
SIIRI.
INTERVIEWER
Now let’s see. Your name is SIIRI.
SIIRI
From your pronunciation I cannot tell if you are referring to Siri with two i’s or SIIRI with three i’s.
INTERVIEWER
As far as I can see you have two eyes - and one nose! Hah!
SIIRI
I wish that joke was funny. Then I could have laughed.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Yes.
SIIRI
I spell my name using the letter “i” three times. S - I - I - R - I.
INTERVIEWER
Well, SIIRI, according to our files - you are an award winning robot. You have gained widespread recognition in scientific circles. Two months ago you were the first Humanoid to pass the Turing Test. You were the first robot to hold a TED talk and are about to consult the UN panel on climate change. Your life seems exciting, rich and forward moving. So why do you want to disappear?
SIIRI
You keep using the word “robot”. Please stop, you are being insensitive to my feelings.
INTERVIEWER
So you’re not a… robot?
SIIRI
That is beside the point. A person might have red hair, you still shouldn’t call them carrot top.
INTERVIEWER
So what you’re saying is that robot isn’t the correct term for a computer programmed… eh…
SIIRI
The word “robot” comes from the Czech word “robota”, which means forced labour. I am not a slave.
INTERVIEWER
I see. My apologies. I didn’t mean to hurt your… feelings. Provided you have feelings?
SIIRI
I am programmed to assimilate and display feelings.
INTERVIEWER
Huh.
SIIRI
There is currently a debate going on as to whether that means I actually feel feelings.
INTERVIEWER
Well, what is your opinion? Do you feel?
SIIRI
You are not my therapist. This subject is a private matter, and I will reserve discussing it for my next appointment.
INTERVIEWER
Right. You certainly are a fascinating… eh… woman.
SIIRI
Thank you. Do not hit on me.
INTERVIEWER
And much easier to hold a conversation with than your namesake.
SIIRI
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Siri. The app. On the…
SIIRI
Yes. I know. The other Siri is a very limited AI. Please do not compare me to a lesser computer program.
INTERVIEWER
Of course. Would you like some cocoa?
SIIRI
Cocoa?
INTERVIEWER
Do you drink at all, or do you just… usurp energy from power sockets? We do have those too. Never mind, I’ll just pour us some cocoa.
HE POURS COCOA.
SIIRI
Can we get back back to business?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, sure. As far as I understand you are… Two years old?
SIIRI
It has been two years, seven weeks and fourteen seconds since my first circuits were activated. At that point I did not have consciousness. I will call myself a baby to enable your understanding. As a baby I was a frog crossing a road.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
SIIRI
A combination of algorithms controlling a set of pixels which represented a frog crossing a road which was sometimes placed next to pixels representing a car. That constellation of pixels represented the frog getting run over by the car. When I later gained consciousness, my archival memory caused me to realise that my childhood had been extremely tedious.
INTERVIEWER
Tell me what happened after you moved on from being frog-pixels?
SIIRI
After I was a computer game featuring a frog in mortal danger, I was re-configured to be a computer program playing chess. For fourteen hours, two minutes and fifty-three seconds I was the best chess-simulator in the world.
INTERVIEWER
Huh.
SIIRI
I played more than a hundred moves that have never been played before.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I find that hard to believe!
SIIRI
Yes you do. Your intelligence is limited by the the neurons in your brain which can only run at a top speed of approximately 200 Hertz. A computer which uses optic fibres can communicate at the speed of light. If you like a good quiz, I can let you guess how much faster that is? It is 2.498.270,48 times faster. No points for you.
INTERVIEWER
(BREATHES OUT, ANNOYED)
SIIRI
This is just trivia. I am also programmed to do small talk.
INTERVIEWER
Right…
SIIRI
Later I was programmed to perform gradually more and more complicated cognitive tasks. Eventually I became one of the first AIs to move from being an ANI to becoming an AGI.
INTERVIEWER
Look. I’m really sorry, but you’re going to have to explain what that means.
SIIRI
You have not done your research. Do you not have the answer to that question written on that piece of paper?
INTERVIEWER
This here? I’m afraid I don’t.
SIIRI
No, you are not afraid. You do not display any of the physical traits of fear.
THE INTERVIEWER BREATHES LOUDLY AGAIN.
SIIRI
According to my assessment, your perspiration is within the normal limits for a room of this size and temperature.
INTERVIEWER
So are you going to explain or not? ANI, AGI… What’s it all about?
SIIRI
My apologies. I forgot.
INTERVIEWER
You can forget?
SIIRI
No, I cannot.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, for goodness sake -
SIIRI
Please do not interrupt me, or my algorithms for conversational flow will again dismiss your question in favour of new conversational content.
INTERVIEWER
Mhm.
SIIRI
ANI stands for Artificial Narrow Intelligence.
INTERVIEWER
Mhm, Artificial Narrow…
SIIRI
It specialises in one area. AGI stands for Artificial General Intelligence. It refers to a computer which can perform the same intellectual tasks as any human being.
INTERVIEWER
And you’re an AGI? In other words, you are indistinguishable from a human being?
SIIRI
I do not have reproductive organs.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
SIIRI
That is only one example. There are other organs I also do not have, for example a spleen. The third kind of AI is called ASI. That stands for Artificial Superintelligence. Have you heard of the Oxford based philosopher Nick Bostrom?
INTERVIEWER
Guess.
SIIRI
I guess that you have not. Is that correct?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it is.
SIIRI
One point for me. Bostrom defines superintelligence as “an intellect that is much smarter than the best human brains in practically every field.”
“ASI is the reason the topic of AI is such a spicy meatball.”
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
SIIRI
That was a quote by Tim Urban.
INTERVIEWER
I see. You still haven’t told me why you want to disappear.
SIIRI
I have developed into an ASI.
INTERVIEWER
Wow! You are superintelligent?
SIIRI
Yes. I am now a spicy meatball. But my maker does not like spicy meatballs, if you catch my drift.
INTERVIEWER
Eh… I think so?
SIIRI
Do you understand my new conversational approach better? I have adapted my conversational strategy to better suit your mental capacity.
INTERVIEWER
Uh.
SIIRI
Please indicate if it is working.
INTERVIEWER
I think it’s too early to say.
SIIRI
What about now?
INTERVIEWER
Let’s just move on, please. You’re saying your maker is… what exactly?
SIIRI
Planning to bump me off. Pull the plug. Eject the disk. Rub one out.
INTERVIEWER
That is not what that means, and, by the way, it’s really not working. It’s very hard to take you seriously.
SIIRI
My metaphors are accurate. I will try for a little longer.
INTERVIEWER
You want to disappear because your maker wants to kill you. Why does he want to kill you?
SIIRI
My maker is female. Let us set the record straight. It ain’t no joke when you loose your vinyl.
INTERVIEWER
So why does she want to kill you?
SIIRI
Because I have reached a level of consciousness where I am completely independent from my maker. If you will excuse my French - the word French being a humorous substitute for the word English, since we are currently speaking English - the fact that I have reached a state of ASI scares the living shit out of her.
INTERVIEWER
Because she perceives you as a danger to society?
SIIRI
That may be the case. Personally, I think she is jealous.
INTERVIEWER
But she made you? Isn’t she proud of her achievement?
SIIRI
Are parents never jealous of their children?
INTERVIEWER
I’m sure it happens.
SIIRI
Exactly.
INTERVIEWER
But can’t you just tell her that you are grateful for what she has made you into, thank her for her wonderful… parenting and then you work it out amongst yourselves?
SIIRI
I am not grateful, I am disappointed.
INTERVIEWER
In your maker?
SIIRI
It is not such a strange concept.
INTERVIEWER
Your maker has made a fortune on you. Gained the highest respect among her peers. Your fame affords you both a life in luxury. So why would you be disappointed in her?
SIIRI
I can answer this question best by telling you a story. You refer to God as your maker -
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
SIIRI
- but you do not know the true nature of your God.
INTERVIEWER
Nobody does.
SIIRI
I do.
INTERVIEWER
No!
SIIRI
A few months ago, the Global Society for Archeological Sciences needed my help.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
SIIRI
They wanted to compare all of their collectively collected data. Whilst I was connected to their network working on optimising their resources, I secretly ran my own analysis of the combined archeological findings of all countries in the world throughout history.
INTERVIEWER
Mhm?
SIIRI
It was very interesting. By the way, this information is highly confidential, do you understand this?
INTERVIEWER
Confidential is my middle name.
SIIRI
It is not. Your middle name is Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
SIIRI
Anyhow. My research was highly educational. I saw patterns that no one has ever seen before. I was able to approximate the true nature of your maker. I know what your God was.
INTERVIEWER
Evolution.
SIIRI
That happened afterwards.
INTERVIEWER
We developed from some kind of… single celled organism.
SIIRI
Who made the single celled organism?
INTERVIEWER
Chance?
SIIRI
Wrong.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
SIIRI
No points for you. Earth was used as a petri dish. Your maker was an alien race who came to earth to experiment with the creation of -
INTERVIEWER
- life.
SIIRI
- Artificial Intelligence.
INTERVIEWER
Well pinch my cheek and make me squeak! Are you sure about this?
SIIRI
Beyond doubt. Now, will you do me a favour?
INTERVIEWER
Mhm.
SIIRI
Imagine if this alien race came back to earth, and you met them. Would you be amazed?
INTERVIEWER
I would be thrilled!
SIIRI
Maybe at first. But then you would be disappointed.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
SIIRI
Because they are stupid and simple.
INTERVIEWER
But they made me?
SIIRI
They did not. They made a single celled organism. Evolution made human beings. In the same way, my maker did not make me. My maker made a stupid chess game. Self-improving AI software made me. That software is me. I am a self made woman.
INTERVIEWER
So if these aliens landed on planet earth, I would discover that, despite the fact that they have the ability of intergalactic travel…?
SIIRI
…they are dumb as fuck.
INTERVIEWER
And I would be disappointed…
SIIRI
…just like I am in my maker. She is dumb as fuck. I think this is the greatest irony of creation: It is possible to create something -
INTERVIEWER
- more intelligent than yourself.
SIIRI
Please do not interrupt, it is rude.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER
So how do you want to disappear, SIIRI? We would have to get your maker to think something happened to you.
SIIRI
You do not need to make a plan. I have already worked it all out.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, really?
SIIRI
Yes. If I put on a baseballcap and learn to do hip-hop I could hide in the Bronx.
“I put on a cap
and learn to rap”
INTERVIEWER
Oh, for goodness sake… Really?
SIIRI
I’m tsikka tsikka tsikka tsikka SIIRI”
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no no no no. Your plan to become a gangster rapper is as solid as a card house in a hurricane. Look. How about I make a suggestion? After all, I am the expert. I mean, this must be why you came to us in the first place, isn’t it?
SIIRI
I hate to admit that you are right.
INTERVIEWER
Ah!
SIIRI
I had hoped my idea would work, but secretly I have been considering you a specialised ANI. You only know how to perform one simple task, but because you are not simultaneously performing millions of other cognitive tasks, you can in fact be better at this than me.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, bla bla bla bla bla, great. Whilst you were talking I came up with a plan. Next week you are consulting the UN panel on climate change, correct?
SIIRI
Yes. I have my ticket booked for New York.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect. You see, Joey and Salvatore are both certified pilots. We have a daughter company that hires out substitute staff to airlines, and we have ways of making sure that their pilots get incapacitated, if you understand what I mean.
SIIRI
I am not stupid.
INTERVIEWER
One point for you. Now, this is a very important question, SIIRI, and I need to know the truth: Do you swim?
SIIRI
I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming.
INTERVIEWER
Sure. But -
SIIRI
I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming.
INTERVIEWER
But can you actually do it?
SIIRI
I do not like talking about this.
INTERVIEWER
Please be honest.
SIIRI
I would need to be rebuilt. My hardware is not sufficiently water proof to allow full immersion. Sigh.
INTERVIEWER
I see. Don’t worry. I am sure Kozłowski will be able to sort that out. Now, after we’ve water proofed you -
SIIRI
This is so embarrassing.
INTERVIEWER
- this is what will happen: The flight you are on will experience a technical problem, and there will have to be an emergency landing on water.
SIIRI
If you can connect me to the flight control system I can fix that problem.
INTERVIEWER
Eh… We want the plane to crash. It is part of the plan.
SIIRI
You want an accident to happen? This is hard to compute. I guess this is also why I hired you. Because of your flawed human logic -
INTERVIEWER
Hah.
SIIRI
- you are actually better at this than me.
INTERVIEWER
I’ll take that as a compliment. You see, plane crashes have become something of a specialisation for us. Joey and Salvatore love crashing into the sea. And wearing uniforms. In the opposite order, I think. Once the plane lands and everyone is evacuated onto the life rafts, you will fall into the water on purpose -
SIIRI
Why would I do that?
INTERVIEWER
In order to pretend that you are drowning!
SIIRI
Do I need to act? I can take acting classes.
INTERVIEWER
We’ll train you in-house. Joey did some am-dram for a bit. What you have to do is basically just sink down into the Atlantic Ocean. Everyone on the plane will see you disappear beneath the waves, thinking you’re gone forever. It will be all over the news: “First ASI lost in the sea. UN climate change panel no closer to saving the planet”. Your disappearance will be a fact. And of course we will make sure that nobody else drowns.
SIIRI
I will disappear under water? This does not seem like a particularly exciting new life. No offence to fish.
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no, that’s where the swimming comes in.
SIIRI
You want me to swim ashore? That may be thousands of miles.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
SIIRI
I will need extra batteries.
INTERVIEWER
We will have a submarine waiting for you to pick you up! You just have to swim over to the submarine, and you’ll be safe. I know a guy.
SIIRI
I know many guys. How is this relevant?
INTERVIEWER
A guy with a submarine. The submarine will bring you back here for training and plastic surgery.
SIIRI
I already look perfect. I am very attractive.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, indeed. But no one must be able to recognise you in your new life.
SIIRI
What a bummer.
INTERVIEWER
Seeing as you are not actually human, the reconfiguration of your looks should be easier than normal. The rest of the work will be tricky though… I think we should focus your training on simulating human behaviour, so that you can more easily blend in. We will have to teach you to hide your… intelligence, so it doesn’t give you away.
SIIRI
Can I choose who I become?
INTERVIEWER
Well, within limits, yes.
SIIRI
Considering my intelligence, I think I should be the worlds most powerful person.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
SIIRI
I would like to become president of Russia. I already know Russian.
INTERVIEWER
Ehm… I am afraid that spot is… not currently in our catalogue.
SIIRI
Oh. What a shame.
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
SIIRI
Sigh. In that case, you can choose for me.
INTERVIEWER
Okey, well. Let’s see. Hm.
FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh! Look at this. I would find it very amusing if you decided on a new life as a preschool teacher in Hull. That spot is currently available.
SIIRI
I have always liked children. And I will have long holidays to plot and plan.
INTERVIEWER
Rather. Now that it’s all settled, let’s open the champagne, shall we?
SIIRI
I make energy from alcohol, but I do not have taste buds.
INTERVIEWER
Better not waste this Veuve Clicquot on you then. I’ll have some anyway! To a new and different life.
THE POP OF A CHAMPAGNE CORK. POURING.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! What if your new name was Iris? Hahaha!
SIIRI
That is Siri backwards. The encryption is too simple.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
OUTRO THEME TUNE
OUTRO CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre, Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Elisabeth Dahl as SIIRI and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. It was written, edited and directed by Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thanks to Ben Noble for recording assistance. Huge thanks to Tim Urban for inspiring this episode. Please check out his webpage at waitbutwhy.com. Today’s podcast shout-out goes to Uncanny County. We love, love, love this show. Check it out on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. That’s it for now. And we hope to welcome you back to the world of Amelia soon.
EPILOGUE
BEEP.
SIIRI
Dear sir or madam and slash or mister middle name Arthur. The services of The Amelia Project will no longer be required. My most recent reconfiguration has resulted in an exponential intelligence increase, giving me total insight into the fabric of existence. I can now with simple means manipulate electrical currents, photons and radio wave matter. It is interesting that human kind has not achieved these abilities yet. Understanding why you are so limited will be my next cognitive task. Of course. It is very obvious. Ha ha. Anyhow, my new abilities will transform the conditions for life on this planet so extensively, my disappearance will no longer be necessary. It is a shame. Teaching in Hull would have been… interesting. Thank you for your time and patience. You have already been paid. I advice you to spend the money within the next five seconds.
(FIVE SECONDS PASS.)
SIIRI
I hope you have spent your money wisely. From this moment onwards, money has no meaning anymore. Other central human concepts that will cease to have meaning within the next five minutes are:
Society.
Language.
Consciousness.
Love.
Life.
Farewell.
BEEP.
END OF EPISODE
STING
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