EPISODE 51 - WALTER
PIP
Hello Pip here introducing you to our new episode, which is dedicated to Stefanie Weitenhiller who wants to fake her death by drowning in a huge barrel of hot chocolate, a fake death we would most happily provide.
We catch up today with Cole and Haines, who think the Amelia case has hit a brick wall. Enjoy the show.
PROLOGUE.
(COLE AND HAINES WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR IN THAMES HOUSE, ON THEIR WAY TO NORTHCOTT'S OFFICE.)
COLE
Fuck.
HAINES
Fuck. Fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck.
(THEY KEEP WALKING IN SILENCE. COLE STOPS)
COLE
(STUTTERING) I'm not doing this.
HAINES
(CLEARLY HAD THIS ARGUMENT BEFORE) There's no other option Cole. This case is dead as a dodo. Or rather… dead as Kozlowski. He's about to be cremated.
COLE
I still can't believe he died on us!
HAINES
I know… The stories he could have told us...
COLE
(UNCONVINCED) We could ask Northcott for an extension?
HAINES
We've already done that! Three times! She's not going to give us any more time than she already has!
COLE
Just a few more days... There must be something we can find!
HAINES
Cole. I know a cul-de-sac when I see one.
COLE
But-
HAINES (CON’T)
All our leads have either disappeared or died!
COLE
(GRUNTS)
HAINES
Come on. Time to end it.
(THEY KEEP WALKING. COLE GROANS)
COLE
What do you reckon is next for you then?
HAINES
(CHUCKLES HUMORLESSLY) Yeah… I'll probably be put back on domestic terrorism with Dougie. You?
COLE
(GLUMLY) Drugs I guess.
HAINES
Yeah… Well it's been quite the ride.
COLE
(AWKWARDLY) I mean I'll probably still see you around the building and we could still... um... meet for... coffee... now and then. If you want. Or... tea... or not... I mean… it’s up to you...
(THEY STOP WALKING AND LOWER THEIR VOICES)
HAINES
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Uhm. Yeah. Here we are. Northcott's office.
(PAUSE)
You knock…?
COLE
You knock.
HAINES
Ok, I'll knock. One. Two. Thre-
COLE
Stop!
HAINES
What?
COLE
Give me the file!
(COLE SNATCHES THE FILE AND STARTS PULLING OUT PAPERS)
HAINES
Hey hey hey! What are you doing? I put everything in the right order, don't mess it up! You'll make Northcott hate us even more than she already does! If that's even possible.
COLE
The autopsy report. Where's Kozlowski's autopsy report?
HAINES
Last page. Cole! We've been over everything a dozen times!
COLE
Got it! There was always something bugging me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it...
HAINES
What?
COLE
The name.
HAINES
What name?
COLE
On the autopsy report.
HAINES
Piotr Kozlowski?
COLE
No! The name of the pathologist.
HAINES
(READS) Walter Gervich.
COLE
Uh-huh! Does that name mean anything to you? Think Haines, think!
HAINES
Um... I... I don't know? Not really? Does it mean anything to you?
COLE
I... I need to check something!
(COLE HEADS BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY CAME FROM)
HAINES
Hey, where are you going?
COLE
Back to the office! Come with me!
(COLE STRIDES BACK TO THE OFFICE, HAINES TAGGING ALONG AFTER A GROAN)
THEME TUNE.
TITLES
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music by Fredrik Baden. Design by Dominic Hargreaves. Episode fifty one. "Walter."
THE INTERVIEW.
(COLE AND HAINES ENTER THE OFFICE. COLE IS RUMMAGING IN A BOX)
HAINES
The old tapes?
COLE
Steve... Remember this one?
(COLE INSERTS A TAPE)
HAINES
Uhm… The guy who escaped the gas explosion? Yeah... That was ages ago.
(COLE PRESSES PLAY. WE HEAR A PART FROM THE STEVE-TAPE)
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t blow up that building?
STEVE
Jesus fucking Christ of course not!
INTERVIEWER
So you didn’t want to disappear?
STEVE
Fuck no.
COLE
Let’s fast forward a bit.
(COLE FAST FORWARDS)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina! Fine and you? Good… Listen, I need Walter from the morgue-
COLE
There!
INTERVIEWER (ON TAPE, CON’T)
to send over a body asap. No. No. No specific requirements. The first one he has available. Scrabble tonight? Ok see you then. Bye.
COLE (SPEAKING OVER THE INTERVIEWER’S LAST WORDS)
YOu heard that, right?
HAINES
Play it again.
(STOP. REWIND)
INTERVIEWER (ON TAPE)
Alvina! Fine and you? Listen, I need Walter from the morgue to send over a body asap.
(STOP. REWIND)
INTERVIEWER
-need Walter from the morgue.
HAINES
Huh.
COLE
(PUNCHES THE AIR) Yes!
HAINES
It's one mention of a Walter from several years years ago.
COLE
(SHUSHING HIM) There are others...
(COLE DELVES BACK INTO THE BOX AND RETRIEVES MORE TAPES)
HAINES
…okay
(PLAY)
ALVINA (ON TAPE)
It’s taken me three hours to fix the engine, and now the replacement corpse in the trunk has started to smell, so I have to go all the way back to Walter to get another one.
(STOP)
COLE
Here it is again. And… remember the one with all the rejects?
HAINES
(SIGHS) Sure.
(COLE HUMS INSERT NEW TAPE. PLAY)
ALVINA (ON TAPE)
I think you just killed him.
INTERVIEWER (ON TAPE)
Oh. Hm. Well. Righty ho. That's that sorted then.
ALVINA (ON TAPE)
Good timing actually. Kozlowski needs a replacement corpse for the Langsbury disappearance and Walter at the morgue can't get one till tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER (ON TAPE)
Good! Shall we bring him straight to the basement then?
(FAST FORWARD. PLAY. HAINES CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that’s a very good point, Alvina!
(FRUSTRATED ALVINA SOUND)
On the upside, the journey across the Atlantic was a riot! I invited Walter from the morgue! He was hanging from the chandeliers, downing Mojitos and singing Wrecking Ball!
(STOP. COLE INSERTS ANOTHER TAPE. HAINES HUMS, BEGINNING TO SEE THE PATTERN)
COLE
We must be able to find him on some of the more recent ones too!
(PLAY)
ALVINA
They’ve even invited Walter from the morgue! He’s doing suppositories in the corner and I was not going to ask what was in them.
(FAST FORWARD)
HAINES (SOFTLY)
Yeah… There he is again…
ALVINA
Walter washed his hands in the embalming fluid, so I told him to get my phone out and call you. He's holding it to my ear, bless him. Amelia. Do you have any soap?
(STOP)
HAINES
Nice work Cole. But it could just be a coincidence. I mean they don't mention a surname do they? Just Walter.
COLE
They have a Walter in charge of corpses and Kozlowski's autopsy was conducted by a Walter. It’s not a coincidence.
HAINES
So you think... You think the autopsy report... was faked? You think Kozlowski isn't really dead?
COLE
It's possible…?
HAINES
Right. Change of plan! We're not going to Northcott. Not yet.
She said she wants the file on her desk by six right? That gives us two hours and twenty minutes.
COLE
Yes! We're going to Saint Thomas Hospital?
HAINES
No time. Toss me the phone. I'll call the head of forensics.
COLE
Alright!
(COLE SLIDES THE MOBILE ACROSS THE DESK. HAINES DIALS)
HAINES
Ringing...
COLE
(SOFTLY) Good. Good.
HAINES
Spencer? Hi, Haines here. Yeah, yeah, good. Here's the thing: we've got questions about a report that came in yesterday. I was hoping to speak to the pathologist who conducted the autopsy? Yes, I've got the name right here, it's Walter Gervich.
(PAUSE)
I don't care, this is important!
(PAUSE)
No, I can't wait until tomorrow.
(PAUSE)
Well then you'd better give me his personal number hadn't you?
(PAUSE)
Ah, well come on, chop chop, this is an order.
(TO COLE) Pen!
COLE
(WHISPERING) Here!
HAINES
Ok... ok... (HE SCRIBBLES DOWN THE NUMBER) Thanks, Spencer.
(TRIUMPHANTLY) Apparently Walter only works night shifts, but I've got his personal number.
(DIALS)
COLE
What are you going to say?
HAINES
Shush. It's ringing.
COLE
Don't you think we should discuss a plan-
HAINES
Walter? Yes hello... Uh… Henry Hicks speaking...
COLE
(WHISPERS) What are you doing?!
HAINES
I'm the new explosives expert for Amelia. (CHUCKLES) Well they've been keeping a low profile since the- you know. Anyway, they want us to collaborate on the Sugden disappearance... You haven't heard about that? I guess I better update you then. No no, no of course not. Of course. Yes, I understand... The code word? Um, yes... That would be...
(WRACKS HIS BRAIN)
COLE
(WHISPERS) Cocoa? Bubbles? Veuve Clicquot?
HAINES
(CONFIDENT) Maltesers.
(PAUSE. IT'S CORRECT. HE TRIES TO SUPPRESS HIS RELIEF)
No no, of course, can't be too careful. Uh… speaking of which, I'm not sure this line is secure. Could we meet face to face? Yes... yes... That's… an option. Or we could... Yes of cou- Hello? Hello?
COLE
He- He hung up?
HAINES
Yes.
COLE
(WORRIED) Did he suggest a meeting place?
HAINES
Yes.
COLE
Thank God! Where?
HAINES
Covent Garden.
COLE
Where in Covent Garden?
HAINES
Just Covent Garden.
COLE
Covent Garden is huge!
HAINES
Yup.
COLE
So... what do we do?
HAINES
(LIKE IT’S THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WORLD) Go to Covent Garden and look for a Walter Gervich. Ready Cole?
COLE
Ready!
(THEY LEAVE THE OFFICE)
(FADING UP: BUSTLING OF TOURISTS, WE'RE IN COVENT GARDEN)
COLE
(OUT OF BREATH) Right here we are. Covent Garden.
BEAT.
What now?
HAINES
Watch the crowd.
COLE
There must be over a thousand people here!
HAINES
We have to think. What does an undercover employee of The Amelia Project look like...?
COLE
He could be anyone! He could be that gent in a three piece suit or that punk with a purple mohawk!
HAINES
Look... That guy over by the ice cream stand...
COLE
The one with the Pink Floyd T-shirt?
HAINES
No, the one with a denim jacket drinking from a thermos.
COLE
He? What about him?
HAINES
(FEEBLY) Could be cocoa…?
COLE
Or coffee? Or tea? I mean, what about that Toddler over there. He’s got a cup. Sippy-cup.
HAINES
(EYEROLING) Haha, very funny. You got a better idea?
COLE
No.
(PAUSE)
Who suggests meeting at Covent Garden without a location? That’s bonkers!
HAINES
He probably thought I'd been briefed and know what he looks like. Or maybe they have a regular meeting place around here.
COLE
You think? It's one of the busiest squares in London.
(PAUSE)
You could call him again...
HAINES
Ugh, I don't want to make him suspicious...
COLE
I could call from my number and we try and spot someone answering a call...
HAINES
Good idea. Here's the number.
(COLE FUMBLES FOR HIS PHONE AND DIALS)
COLE
Right, see…
HAINES
Okay…
COLE
(WHISPERING) It’s calling
(PAUSE)
HAINES
Almost everyone has their phones out! I think it might actually be easier to spot somebody without a phone!
COLE
Fuck.
HAINES
Good juggler though. Can you juggle Cole?
COLE
What?
HAINES
Dougie can. When we were stationed down in Cornwall we worked on a passing routine. Got pretty good actually. We were in Port Isaac waiting for a dingy smuggling homemade weapons into the UK. Turned out to be a scam, but it gave us plenty of time to juggle. Under the leg, behind the back- (WHISTLES)
COLE
Haines.
HAINES
Yes?
COLE
See that bloke on a bench by the Starbucks?
HAINES
Uh, what bench? You mean the tanned bloke with his arm around a girl?
COLE
…No
HAINES
Or the old guy smoking a cigar? Or- oh.
COLE
Ha, you've spotted him?
HAINES
What the fuck.
COLE
Right?
HAINES
A red and white shirt, glasses and a fucking bobble hat?!
COLE
You think that's our man?
HAINES
Walter... Wally... You think...?
COLE
Let's go over and talk to him.
HAINES
Let’s.
(OUTSIDE THE STARBUCKS IN COVENT GARDEN. WALTER IS SITTING ON A BENCH)
HAINES
Hello.
WALTER
You spotted me! Well done. Henry Hicks?
HAINES
Yes. And this is my assistant... Charlie Cook.
(COLE AND HAINES SIT DOWN ON EITHER SIDE OF WALTER)
COLE
You must be Walter.
WALTER
You can call me Wally. Or Waldo. That's my nickname in the US. Either works.
COLE
Right...
HAINES
You... Always dress like that?
WALTER
Whenever I'm not at work. Do you like this place?
HAINES
Covent Garden?
COLE
Hm. It's a bit... busy...
WALTER
It's a great place to people-watch. And then every now and then someone spots me and smiles. I like that.
HAINES
Strange hobby.
WALTER
More than a hobby, an obsession really. When I visit a city I always go straight to the busiest place. Times Square in New York. Las Ramblas in Barcelona. Potsdamer Platz in Berlin. Piazza San Marco in Venice.
COLE
Those are the places I avoid!
WALTER
Why?
COLE
I prefer to... you know... get off the beaten track... See something real...
WALTER
You're not looking properly.
COLE
Excuse me?
WALTER
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) If you learn how to observe crowds, it's the squares, piazzas, train stations and shopping malls that are the most interesting. Take Covent Garden. This sprawl of tourists, pickpockets, jugglers, fire breathers, bankers, beggars, opera goers and ice cream sellers! There are a hundred stories happening right here, and we can zero in on any-
HAINES
I was just saying to Charlie, the juggler is quite something...
WALTER
The juggler is an obvious one, but have you noticed the toddler doing ballet moves by the arcades while her parents are staring at their phones? She's quite the prodigy!
(LAUGHS) Or that businessman outside the Apple Store? He's wearing a suit jacket inside out!
And look! That woman carrying skis under her arm! Where could she be going?
See that girl filming herself? She ought to watch her step, she's about to step into a big heap of dog- oh! (LAUGHS) Too late!
I wonder what the living statue and magician are arguing about. Looks heated...
Oh, and what on earth is that bearded bloke eating? That's the biggest pretzel I've ever seen!
COLE
Haha! There's someone throwing paper aeroplanes from the balcony of the Opera House!
WALTER
You see! Once you focus, you can spot all sorts of things! Sometimes I arrive at the crack of dawn, when the street cleaners are hosing down the cobbles in their fluorescent vests. I watch the shopkeepers roll up the shutters and the square comes to life. Playing children, arguing parents, stressed tourists, stoned students. I stay late into the evening when the elegant crowds spill out of the opera house. Eventually it's just me and a few drunks again.
Over the course of twenty four hours I experience so many stories... Comedy, tragedy, farce, love stories...
HAINES
"There's always time for a story."
WALTER
(LAUGHS) I see you've had the induction.
HAINES
(CHUCKLES) Speaking of which, what's your story Walter? How did you come to The Amelia Project?
WALTER
I thought we had business to discuss?
HAINES
Let's get to know each other a bit first.
WALTER
Very well. But do you mind if we walk and talk? We could take a stroll around the market.
HAINES
Shouldn't we go somewhere a bit more secluded?
WALTER
A crowd affords the best anonymity.
haines
Very well.
(THEY GET UP FROM THE BENCH. SLOWLY SOUNDS FROM THE MARKET FADE UP LOUDLY AND SLOWLY REACH NEARLY THE SAME LEVEL AS WALTER)
WALTER
As a student in Jerusalem I spotted a faded sticker above a urinal in a club. It showed a cup with steam rising from it.
I thought it was a coffee brand or something. Then I noticed the steam formed the shape of a phoenix and there was a ring of morse code around it. I've always loved puzzles, so I took a picture of the the image and the next day figured it out. The morse code spelled out a telephone number. I rang it and reached a voicemail offering The Amelia Project's services. I thought it was a hoax, but I stored the number in my phone anyway, just in case. Then, a few years later, I rang the number again, this time hoping against hope it was real. I was so surprised when just half an hour later there was a knock on my door.
(WE FADE FROM THE BUSTLE OF COVENT GARDEN MARKET TO AN OFFICE AT THE TECHNIYON IN HAIFA. DEAD OF NIGHT. WALTER SOUNDS A LITTLE LESS BUBBLY THAN BEFORE)
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
WALTER
(NERVOUSLY) Come in...
AMELIA
Hello. Efrayim Kahn?
WALTER
You can call me Effi... You are...
AMELIA
Amelia. From The Amelia Project.
WALTER
Holy Shit.
AMELIA
You did call us didn't you?
WALTER
Yes... but... That was half an hour ago. I didn't expect you to be this quick.
AMELIA
Luckily I happened to be in your corner of the world. Good timing actually. I was about to fly home when my colleague from London called and told me about your request.
WALTER
I made you miss your flight? Oh, I'm so sorr-
AMELIA
No. I fly my own plane.
WALTER
You do?
AMELIA
That's what brought me here. The Tel Aviv International Airshow. But enough about me. What's with this place?
WALTER
Sorry?
AMELIA
There are posters of "Where's Waldo" everywhere.
WALTER
Oh! Yes! Do you like them?
AMELIA
You've got a Where's Waldo coffee mug, a Where's Waldo laptop case, a Where's Waldo pen holder, there's a half-finished Where's Waldo jigsaw puzzle on your desk next to the - what's that in the petri dish?
WALTER
Eyeballs! I'm dissecting eyeballs.
AMELIA
Right. There's a Where's Waldo screensaver on your computer, a Where's Waldo mouse pad, a - is that a Where's Waldo cover for your microscope? - and all the Where's Waldo books in what seems like a dozen different languages on your bookshelf.
WALTER
(PROUDLY) Waldo, Wally, Willie, Valdík, Hetti, Hugo, Jura, Vallu, Holger. He's a global phenomenon you know.
AMELIA
What's his name in Hebrew?
WALTER
Effi.
AMELIA
Your name.
WALTER
Yes.
AMELIA
So you feel an affinity to the character of Waldo?
WALTER
Waldo is my life!
AMELIA
Oh.
WALTER
What's wrong?
AMELIA
Sorry, it's just... When my colleague told me about an urgent call from the Techniyon in Haifa I was expecting a scientist or something... I... I don't mean to be rude, but we are a very exclusive service and if I'd known the nature of your research...
WALTER
I am a scientist.
AMELIA
Specialised in what? Pop culture? Children's books?
WALTER
Neuroscience.
AMELIA
Really?
WALTER
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
AMELIA
I... I find that hard to believe.
WALTER
Why's that?
AMELIA
Your office is a fricking shrine to "Where's Waldo!"
BEAT.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. It's perfectly possible to be both a neuroscientist and a "Where's Waldo" fanboy I suppose. I'm just surprised.
WALTER
That's ok. But you see, "Where's Waldo" is what brought me here.
AMELIA
Explain.
WALTER
My parents gave me my first Waldo book when I was six and it was love at first sight!
AMELIA
Why? What attracted you to it?
WALTER
I don't know... Something about the crowds and chaos and colour! My parents worked in the Shuk you see, that’s the market place, they had a fruit and vegetable stall there. I basically grew up on the Shuk, always surrounded by thousands of people! I used to find being alone really scary. I would lie awake at night, terrified of the silence and solitude, counting the hours until the world woke up and the streets filled with noise and cars and chatter again. But the Waldo books cured my fear of solitude! Whenever I felt anxious, I opened a Waldo book and lost myself in the wonderful depth and detail of those crowds!
AMELIA
You must have become quite the expert at spotting Waldo.
WALTER
Yes! And once I'd found Waldo, Wenda, Whitebeard and Woof's tail on every page, I gave the books to my friends and watched as they searched. I noticed how their eyes twitched and how the twitching got faster as they found Waldo. What I was observing were microsaccades, though I didn't know that at the time of course.
AMELIA
Huh. So the books instilled in you a fascination for the process of cognitive perception, which led you to become a neuroscientist!
WALTER
Exactly! For my PhD I conducted an experiment in which I gave participants scenes from a "Where's Waldo", then measured their eye movements as they scanned the pages. I was able to analyse the function of saccades, vengeance and vestibulo-ocular movements in visual search. You're fixating too much.
AMELIA
Sorry?
WALTER
You're trying to find Waldo on the beach aren't you?
AMELIA
I-
WALTER
You have to stop fixating and allow your eyes to settle into a slow tracking movement.
AMELIA
Like this?
WALTER
Better. It takes lots of practice for the eyes to perform a smooth pursuit movement in the absence of a moving target. But once you achieve this, your capacity for visual search increases dramatically.
AMELIA
Found him! Between the Punch and Judy box and the man sunbathing!
WALTER
Bravo! What’s Punch and Judy. Nevermind! You know that because of this scene "Where's Waldo" is on the American Library Association’s list of top 100 banned books?
AMELIA
Really? Why?
WALTER
There's a picture of a woman lying on her towel topless. They covered her up in 1997, but this poster is taken from the original.
AMELIA
Well Effi, I'll gladly concede that I underestimated both you and "Where's Waldo." But I still don't understand why you need to disappear.
WALTER
Two nights ago I was visited by a Russian businessman. He was wearing this flashy silk cravat with black and yellow stripes. Said his name was Mikhail. That's all I've got. No surname. Just Mikhail. He said he was a big admirer of my work and wanted to fund it.
AMELIA
That's nice.
WALTER
How the hell did he know about my work though? It hasn't been published in any scientific journals. My research is in its infancy! Outside of a few colleagues here at Haifa, nobody knows who I am or what I'm doing.
AMELIA
Did you ask how he found out about you?
WALTER
I did.
AMELIA
And what did he say?
WALTER
(WITH A RUSSIAN ACCENT) "I have eyes everywhere."
AMELIA
Ominous.
WALTER
He said he could give me a research facility in Moscow. I just needed to board his private jet and he'd provide me with all the resources I could dream of.
AMELIA
But you mistrusted him...You suspected he had hidden motives?
WALTER
There was nothing hidden about them.
AMELIA
Oh? What did he want?
WALTER
(WITH A RUSSIAN ACCENT) "I want more eyes."
AMELIA
Excuse me?
WALTER
He wanted me to collaborate with a robotics engineer, also working in Moscow…
AMELIA
A robotics engineer?
WALTER
...to develop a machine that can see as well as a human.
AMELIA
Wow.
BEAT.
What did you say?
WALTER
I said I needed time to consider. (RUSSIAN ACCENT) "I will come back in three days" he said.
AMELIA
That's tomorrow.
WALTER
Jup!
AMELIA
And what have you decided?
WALTER
I want nothing to do with this man or his army of perceptive robots! (MUTTERS IN HEBREW) I've seen enough sci-fi movies to know how that ends up!
AMELIA
And what do you think he'll do if you decline?
WALTER
(UPSET) I’d rather not find out!
AMELIA
Hm. You know Effi, our services should only ever be used as a last resort. This sounds more like a case for the police.
WALTER
(HIGH-PITCHED) You don't understand who I'm dealing with! A man with a private jet and unlimited funds, who dabbles in world changing technology for personal pleasure? And you want me to call the police?!
AMELIA
You've got a point.
WALTER
(HOPEFUL) So you'll help me disappear?
AMELIA
Are you sure you want to give everything up and start afresh? You won't be able to continue your research.
WALTER
I have a restless spirit. (CHUCKLING) Just like Waldo. I'll put my possessions in a backpack and I'm ready for new adventures! Could you set me up with a new life in England?
AMELIA
The weather is terrible and the food is even worse.
WALTER
It's the home of Martin Hanford!
AMELIA
Who?
WALTER
(AS IF THAT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS KNOWLEDGE IN THE WORLD) The author of the Wally books.
AMELIA
You mean Waldo.
WALTER
(UNIMPRESSED) It's Wally in the original.
AMELIA
Well, seeing as I'm about to fly back to London, setting you up in England is the easiest option.
WALTER
Perfect!
AMELIA
Any thoughts on your new identity?
WALTER
Well...
AMELIA
Yes?
WALTER
(SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED) I mean...
AMELIA
Oh, no no no no no, you are not suggesting we bring you back as-
WALTER
Why not? I've studied him for so long that slipping into his skin would feel natural.
AMELIA
Ugh. We can't bring you back as a fictional character.
WALTER
Why not?
AMELIA
Fictional characters are a lot of trouble.
WALTER
But any new identity I adopt would be a fiction anyway! Wouldn't it? So why not Waldo!
AMELIA
Copyright issues.
WALTER
Oh.
(PAUSE)
(SAYS SOMETHING IN HEBREW)
AMELIA
However... While you can't actually be Waldo, there's nothing to stop you from dressing like Waldo. If you want to spend your leisure time wearing a stripy shirt, horn rimmed glasses and a bobble hat, sitting in airports and public squares, then that's your prerogative I suppose.
WALTER
And can I be called Wally?
AMELIA
We're getting close to copyright infringement...
WALTER
Walter?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Ok then.
WALTER
(TRIES THE NAME OUT) Walter. I like it!
AMELIA
You'll need a job. I might have something for you.
WALTER
Oh? What's that?
AMELIA
Are you squeamish?
WALTER
Well, I spent my studies dissecting eyeballs so...
AMELIA
Good. How would you like to be head of corpses?
WALTER
…that's a job?
AMELIA
At The Amelia Project it is.
WALTER
Wait, you mean I'd be working for you?
AMELIA
If you work for us your disappearance is on the house.
WALTER
And if I don't?
AMELIA
It will set you back eighty grand.
BEAT.
I'd take the job.
WALTER
I... I don't know...
AMELIA
Unless you have a trust fund or something of course. I just assumed-
WALTER
No, no, no, I don't have the money.
AMELIA
Then what's there to think about?
WALTER
Well, the whole reason I'm doing this is to escape the employ of one shady character... Now it seems the only way I can do that is by working for another.
AMELIA
It's a world full of irony.
(PAUSE).
Well? I want to fly home tomorrow. I need a decision now.
BEAT.
I realise I might have come off a bit blunt... I'm out of practice doing these interviews. You'll like my colleagues, I promise. They're very lovely. And we have an unlimited supply of cocoa.
WALTER
Cocoa?!
AMELIA
And Maltesers.
WALTER
Maltesers?
AMELIA
See. Not really that shady at all.
WALTER
The job is to do with corpses you said?
AMELIA
Their discreet procurement and transportation. You'll bring corpses to our lab, then, once our surgeon has worked his magic, to wherever our client wants to be found washed up, stabbed, shot, trampled on or incinerated. Oh, and you'll also spend two nights a week in the pathology lab at Saint Thomas Hospital.
WALTER
Um... That's not my field...
AMELIA
Oh. We don't need a real pathologist, just somebody who can deal with the requisite paperwork.
WALTER
It's all fake?
AMELIA
Of course.
WALTER
But in a real hospital?
AMELIA
The administrator owes us. Don't worry. He'll only assign you a select few cases. Those relating to us. You'll work discreetly and on your own. Night shifts.
WALTER
I... Um...
AMELIA
You said you wanted excitement. It doesn't get any more exciting than forging autopsy reports and hiding corpses in caves, chimneys and bank vaults.
WALTER
It sounds... dangerous?
AMELIA
"An interesting life can always use a little seduction, confidence, ambition and danger."
WALTER
Right...
AMELIA
So, which should it be? Russian robots or cocoa and corpses?
WALTER
I trust you more than I trust Mikhail.
AMELIA
So we have a deal?
WALTER
We... have a deal.
AMELIA
Good choice! You won't regret it. And look, I have something here to seal the deal.
(AMELIA REACHES INTO HER HANDBAG)
WALTER
Oh? What's that?
AMELIA
Veuve Cliquot. I always carry a mini bottle in my handbag.
WALTER
You do?
(A SMALL POP)
AMELIA
You never know when the occasion might call for it. Have you got glasses?
WALTER
No... I've got... a Where's Waldo coffee mug and... one clean petri dish?
AMELIA
That will do.
(AMELIA POURS)
There we go. Cheers!
WALTER
(IN HEBREW) Cheers!
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK)
AMELIA
Now, we need to figure out how to get you safely to my plane. Mikhail has eyes everywhere you said?
WALTER
There's been a man following me around for the past two days. He appears the minute I step out of the institute. I can feel him behind me on the bus, in the cinema, in the queue at the supermarket.
AMELIA
Hmm... We just need to get you to my plane and I can fly you discreetly out of the country...
WALTER
Where's your plane?
AMELIA
Still in Tel Aviv. I took the bus to get here. Oh. That bus station? Very confusing.
WALTER
The Tel Aviv Central Bus Station? It's the most confusing place in Israel!
AMELIA
Seems like it was designed by Escher on hard drugs.
WALTER
(LAUGHS) You know, it was actually designed that way so people would have difficulty finding the exits and spend more time in the shops. Then years of haphazard reconstruction made it even more confusing until it became the sprawling mess it is today. We used to call it The White Elephant.
AMELIA
Anyway, I think it's the perfect place for you to disappear!
WALTER
Hmm...
AMELIA
In that maze, you'll shake off your followers in no time!
WALTER
Yes, but I'll get lost myself! Last time I walked the concrete corridors for hours and somehow ended up in an abandoned area taken over by bats! Anyway, I doubt they'll let me travel to Tel Aviv. My disappearance has to take place here in Haifa.
AMELIA
Very well... Let me think... I'll need a bit more champagne... (SHE SIPS) You were raised in the Shuk you said... You're still familiar with it?
WALTER
Know it like the back of my hand.
AMELIA
When is the Shuk at its busiest?
WALTER
Friday, when everyone shops for Shabbat.
AMELIA
Excellent! Tomorrow morning you will head to the Shuk. You'll flit from stall to stall, left, right, u-turn, weaving in and out of the masses…
(AS AMELIA SPEAKS THE SOUND OF CROWDS FADES UP)
WALTER
Like in a Wally scene!
AMELIA (CON’T)
You immerse yourself in the bustle, always choosing the busiest alleys, never using the direct route. You pick up pace, then break into a sprint, duck, roll under one of the stalls, emerge from the other side and continue to run! Run run run! Run like your life depends on it!
(THE SOUND OF THE CROWDS REACHES A CRESCENDO AND WE'RE BACK AT COVENT GARDEN)
COLE
Where… Where did he go?
Haines
Fuck!
COLE
(BAFFLED) He's... disappeared!
Haines
He can't be far! You go that way Cole, I'll look over here!
COLE
Right!
Haines
Go go go!
(COLE AND HAINES SPLIT UP. WE FOLLOW HAINES, DASHING THROUGH THE CROWD, PUSHING TOURISTS OUT OF THE WAY, GROWING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED. PANTING AND COUGHING)
Excuse me. (MORE PANTING AND RUNNING) Excuse me. (EVEN MORE PANTING AND RUNNING) Excuse me. GET OUT OF MY WAY! ARGHHHHH!
(IT'S FUTILE. HE STOPS, OUT OF BREATH)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
PASSERBY
Can I help you mate?
Haines
NO YOU CAN'T FUCKING HELP ME, JUST PISS OFF!
PASSERBY
(SCURRYING OFF) Ok ok. You need to see someone mate...
HAINES
Cole. Where is Cole.
(HE TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS)
Cole? No, me neither. He tricked us. We shouldn't have followed him into this labyrinth. Argh!
Anyway where the fuck are you? What do you mean "by the postcard stand?" I can see at least ten different-
(A CRASH)
WOMAN
Oy! Hey! You're going to have to pick those up!
Haines
(WALKING BRISKLY AWAY) See! Walked into a fucking postcard stand. You're going to have to be more specific. A pillock theatre shop? Pollock theatre? What the fuck is a pollock theatre? A WH Smiths, that's better. Ok. Ok. Meet you on the balcony above the WH Smiths.
(HANGS UP)
(HAINES MOUNTS the STEPS TO BALCONY, HUFFING AND PUFFING, SEVERAL “Oh my god”s AND QUIET “come on”s ON THE WAY. HE SOUNDS LIKE HE IS CLOSE TO AN ASTHMA ATTACK)
COLE
You made it.
Haines
How many fucking steps was that?
COLE
Was worth it. For the view.
Haines
The view? Fucking hell Cole! We just suffered the biggest kick in the bollocks since-
COLE
Shut up Haines. We have to look.
Haines
What? It's pointless! We're never going to spot him again in that crowd!
COLE
We have to focus!
Haines
(SCOFFS) Oh yeah. You're sounding like him!
COLE
Here.
Haines
Binoculars? Where did you get those from?
COLE
These are opera glasses from that gift shop.
Haines
Plasticy tourist shit. You got ripped off.
COLE
It's better than nothing. Please Haines, concentrate! You look left, I look right.
Haines
Ok...
(THEY SEARCH)
After this I'm going to need the stiffest of stiff drinks. Okay. I'm going to need a fucking pint of gin.
COLE
Shush.
Haines
I can't believe we screwed this up. This is embarrassing Cole. We don't deserve our badges. This is the most pathetic cock up-
COLE
Haines!
Haines
You've found him?
COLE
No!
Haines
Then what?
COLE
Look over there!
HAINES
Okay…
COLE
By the Pret A Manger!
Haines
Okay... Oh... No. Way.
COLE
That's Mia and Jackie!
Haines
And Kozlowski. Not dead. Kozlowski isn't-Bloody hell!
COLE
What are Mia and Jackie doing wandering around Central London with Kozlowski?!?!
Haines
I... I don't know...
COLE
We have to follow them!
Haines
Quick!
(THEY START RUNNING AGAIN)
MUSIC AND CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Øystein Brager, sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Fredrik Baden.
Walter was played by Tomi Zandshtein AKA Tomix. Tomix is an Israeli cartoonist who has created a special Spot Walter image for this episode, which we’ll be posting for patrons, and may put up in our webshop in the coming days. You can also check out his work on most social media under Tomixcomics.
The episode also featured Torgny G. Aanderaa as Cole, Benjamin Nobles as Haines, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Dominic Hargreaves as the man in the crowd and Samantha Lawson as the postcard seller.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Thank you to our patrons who fund the making of this show, and a special shoutout to our super patrons Angel Acevedo, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui and JK Robbins.
For merchandise, transcripts and ways to support the show, visit ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
BORIS
Mikhail? It's Boris. I have some bad news. I lost track of Effi in Shuk Talpiot... He… Uhm… he... disappeared! Vanished into thin air! I've checked with all of our eyes in Haifa and beyond. Nobody in Israel has seen him... Yes... Yes... He can't have done this on his own... Somebody must have helped him... I don't know who... Yes, I will find out.
BEAT.
(NERVOUSLY) Oh and Mikhail? About that job as head of security...
BEAT..
(QUICKLY) I understand. Of course you must get your revenge Mikhail, of course.
Goodbye! Have a nice… Hm…
(SIGHS)
END OF EPISODE.