EPISODE 53 - PRETZEL
PIP
Hello it’s Pip welcoming you to a new episode of The Amelia Project. In the last episode Alvina managed to escape a collapsing cliff by the skin of her teeth, and that’s where we pick up today. This episode is dedicated to Alban Ossant, thank you Alban. Enjoy the show.
PROLOGUE.
EXT. DOVER. NIGHT.
(RAIN, WIND, PASSING CARS. ALVINA PACES. TELEPHONE BEEPING. DURING THE VOICEMAIL, ALVINA MAKES FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED SOUNDS)
VOICEMAIL
Congratulations. You have come to The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. If you continue there is no return.
(ALVINA CLICKS TONGUE)
Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us.
ALVINA
I know I know I know, get to the end already…
VOICEMAIL
If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
ALVINA
Amelia? Please call me back as soon as you get this! I’m sure you’ve heard that Saga's cave collapsed? Well I’m fine - but now I’m stuck here in Dover! Gustav didn’t show up! I told you we shouldn’t trust a career criminal! Anyway, I'm outside this petrol station, "Dover Petrol and Pretzels." Please call me ba -
(HER PHONE DIES)
Oh no. I’m out of battery. Shit shit shit shit shit!
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 53 - Pretzel.
INT. COLE AND HAINES’ CAR. NIGHT.
COLE
We're still going south.
HAINES
Yup.
COLE
And it's just gone nine pm. Northcott will be leaving the office.
HAINES
The report was due on her desk three hours ago.
COLE
So… What do you think she'll do?
HAINES
That depends. If we recapture Kozlowski and reveal the Americans have gone behind our backs, I reckon she owes us big time.
COLE
Whereas… If we screw up and return empty handed...
HAINES
She'll have our balls for breakfast.
COLE
(SQUIRMS)
HAINES
It won't come to that.
COLE
No.
HAINES
We just have to keep following their car. Wherever they're headed, it's bound to be interesting...
INT. MIA AND JACKIE’S CAR. NIGHT.
(JACKIE IS DRIVING, MIA IS IN THE FRONT, KOZLOWSKI IN THE BACK)
Mia
Uhm. We’ve been driving for a while. Does anyone else need to... you know? Tinkle?
Kozlowski
I am so glad you say that! Nature has been calling for a while.
Jackie
You’re not seriously suggesting we stop?
Mia
I am.
JACKIE
Why didn’t you go before we left?
MIA
I kind of forgot. What, you don’t need to go?
JACKIE
I can hold it.
(PAUSE. JACKIE HUMS A FEW ATONAL NOTES)
MIA
For how many hours?
JACKIE
(CHUCKLES) Many. It’s an essential skill for a field agent.
MIA
Liar.
JACKIE
What?
MIA
I can see your thighs shaking.
JACKIE
What?!
MIA
Admit it. You need to pee just as much as I do.
JACKIE
I don't need to pee!
MIA
You do!
JACKIE
I don't!
MIA
You do!
JACKIE
I don't! Need to pee!
MIA
You do!
JACKIE
Fine. Fine! I’ll pull over at the next gas station.
INT. COLE AND HAINES’ CAR. NIGHT.
COLE
What’s that?
HAINES
What?
COLE
That blinking light on the dashboard?
HAINES
What??
COLE
Are we out of petrol?
HAINES
What the - ! It’s just suddenly dropped into red! This bloody Nissan! Dougie said it was fully stocked!
COLE
Right. What do you suggest we do?
HAINES
Drive on fumes?
COLE
Perhaps it's just the meter playing up?
HAINES
We can’t risk losing them!
COLE
Oh this is really going south!
HAINES
We have to find a petrol station, fill up as fast as we can, and then try to catch back up with them. Where's the nearest petrol station?
(COLE GETS OUT HIS MOBILE AND GOOGLES)
COLE
According to Google Maps, there is one coming up!
HAINES
I think I can see it.
COLE
Wait - what? They’re pulling over!
HAINES
They’re also stopping for petrol!
COLE
That's great!
HAINES
Is it?
COLE
Well this way we won't lose them!
HAINES
But they mustn't see us!
COLE
We don’t have a choice! Pull over!
HAINES
But -
COLE
We need petrol!
(HAINES PULLS OVER. THEY STOP OUTSIDE THE PETROL STATION)
INT. MIA AND JACKIE’S CAR. NIGHT.
JACKIE
All right folks, let’s do this quickly.
(JACKIE AND MIA GET OUT OF THE CAR, THEY GO TO THE BACK AND OPEN THE DOOR. WE HEAR THEIR BREATHS AS THEY DO ALL THIS.)
You! No funny business and stay close to us at all times.
Kozlowski
Of course.
JACKIE
If you run, we will shoot.
Mia
Let’s go to that cafe. We can use the restrooms there.
(THEY WALK OFF)
INT. COLE AND HAINES’ CAR. night.
COLE
Don't worry. Look - they’re going into the café. They’ve stopped for food. We’re safe.
(COLE OPENS THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND GETS SOMETHING OUT)
Look. Grab one of these.
HAINES
What’s that?
COLE
It’s a fake moustache.
HAINES
Why is there a fake moustache in the glove compartment?
COLE
It’s an undercover car! There’s a wig in here, couple of hats, sunglasses...
HAINES
That must have been what Dougie meant by fully stocked... Moustache it is.
COLE
I’ll go for the wig.
(THEY DON THEIR DISGUISES)
COLE
Aw, this wig stinks! Who do you think wore it last?
HAINES
(CHUCKLES) At least you don’t have the moustache! It tickles.
COLE
Looks good though. You ready?
HAINES
Let's go.
(THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR)
INT. GAS STATION. NIGHT.
(THE DOOR DINGS AS IT OPENS. ALVINA COMES WALKING IN)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
A human!
ALVINA
What?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
We don’t get many visitors this time of the evening. Welcome to Dover Petrol and Pretzels, do you want dough or diesel tonight?
ALVINA
Neither.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh?
ALVINA
I need to buy a phone charger actually.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You haven’t got one at home?
ALVINA
I’m trying to get home.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Can I help you rent a car?
ALVINA
No, I need to charge my phone.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I could give you a lift when my shift is over?
ALVINA
No! Thank you... That’s not going to work.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Did someone stand you up?
BEAT.
ALVINA
Yes. As a matter of fact, someone did.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh no. That’s dreadful! Anything I can do for you?
ALVINA
Yes! A phone charger! Please! I need to call my friend!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I’m not sure they deserve that if they stood you up.
ALVINA
Another friend!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Sure... Just give them an earful mind you! Shouldn’t treat a lady like that.
ALVINA
The chargers?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
At the back next to the postcards.
ALVINA
(UNDER HER BREATH) Finally!
(ALVINA RUMMAGES AROUND)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You've, uh, heard about what happened over at the cliffs I assume?
AlVINA
(DISTRACTED) Hmm?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
We're all over the headlines! The Guardian: ”The Collapsing Cliffs of Dover." The Daily Mail: “The Shite Cliffs of Dover.” The Times: "The White Cliffs are Over."
ALVINA
Argh. None of these chargers are right.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
There's a phone box across the road. You could use that?
AlVINA
A phone box... I haven't used one of those for years. Ok, thanks, I'll give it a try.
(THE DOOR DINGS AS ALVINA LEAVES)
(THE DOOR DINGS AGAIN. COLE AND HAINES ENTER)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Welcome to Dover Petrol and Pretzels, are you here for carbs or kerosene?
HAINES
Just paying for petrol.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Well, at least some people have realised this is a petrol station and not a psychiatrist's!
(CHUCKLES AT HIS JOKE)
HAINES
Um...?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh, that lady who just passed you on the way out, tsk tsk tsk... Got stood up. By her fiancé, I reckon. Anyway. You gentlemen are on your way to a party I assume?
COLE
What - uh, no?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
No? It isn’t a fancy dress party?
HAINES
Do we look like we’re... dressed fancy?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Maybe not very fancy sir, but your moustache is falling off.
HAINES
Shit!
COLE
Could we pay please?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Of course. Which pump did you use?
COLE
Uh -
HAINES
I didn't -
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Forgot to check did we? Oops! Classic. That’s the classic mistake.
COLE
We're the only car here. Can't you see the number on your-
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
No. Got to give me the number.
HAINES
(UNDER HIS BREATH) What's wrong with that guy?
COLE
Don't worry. I'll go out and check. I wanted to add some air to the tires anyway. Keys?
HAINES
Here. I'll go to the loo in the meantime.
COLE
Back in a sec.
(THE DOOR DINGS AS COLE LEAVES)
HAINES
Where's the loo?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Door on the left, next to the soft drinks.
HAINES
Right.
(HAINES ENTERS THE TOILET)
(THE DOOR DINGS AND MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI BURST IN)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh! Welcome to Dover Petrol and Pretzels! Saltine or gasoline?
Jackie
What the fuck is he talking about?
MIA
Do you have a restroom? Out of the three restrooms at that cafe, ZERO were in working order!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
When you say "restroom" you mean...
Kozlowski
A loo.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Got it. Door on the left, next to the soft drinks.
MIA
Phew!
(MIA rushes to the DOOR. JACKIE IS ABOUT TO DO THE SAME THING, BUT IS TOO LATE. SHE LETS OUT A DISAPPOINTED SOUND)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh, but you'll have to wait.
MIA
What?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
There's a gentleman in there. Hey! What are you doing?
(MIA RATTLES ON THE DOOR)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You can't do that!
(MIA KEEPS RATTLING)
MIA
You only have one restroom?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Well, there's one at back, but that's just for employee-
jAckie
Here's fifty bucks.
(SLAMS THE MONEY ON THE TABLE)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I... um.... certainly. It's a very nice room back there. I even have a sofa. Sit there on quiet days and do sudokus. It’s fake leather.
(JACKIE LETS OUT AN ANNOYED BREATH AT HOW MUCH THE GAS STATION ATTENDANT TALKS)
MIA
Will you stop talking?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Certainly.
MIA
And smiling. Can you stop smiling?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Most people like my smile.
JACKIE
Just take us to the goddamn restrooms.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
It's this door here, behind the counter.
(MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI GO THROUGH THE DOOR TO THE BACK ROOM. JACKIE BREATHES LABOURED, HOLDING IN THE PEE)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
(SHOUTING AFTER THEM) The loo is on the left. Can't miss it!
(THE MAIN DOOR DINGS AND ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
I don't think anyone has used that payphone since 1982. It's covered in rust, stinks of urine and wouldn't accept my coins. I think someone jammed the slot with chewing gum.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I'll write to the council.
ALVINA
You don’t happen to have a charger I could borrow, do you?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Not for that phone. I have a Nokia.
(THE DOOR DINGS AND COLE ENTERS)
COLE
It's pump number three!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
(TO ALVINA) But this gentleman might be able to help you.
COLE
I'm sorry?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
This nice lady needs some help.
COLE
(TO ALVINA) Oh, hello. Yes, certainly, how can I be of assistance?
ALVINA
I’m really sorry, but I’m in a bit of a situation. My phone died and they don’t sell my type of charger here - I was wondering if maybe you could lend me yours?
COLE
Of course! Of course, no problem. My pleasure. What kind of phone do you have?
(HAINES RE-EMERGES FROM THE TOILET)
HAINES
Ah Cole. You paid yet?
COLE
Not yet Haines, this lady needs our help.
HAINES
Yes, but we -
COLE
Haines, have some sympathy. She got stood up. Isn’t that right? By your fiancé?
ALVINA
What?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh! I told them.
ALVINA
I... I see.
COLE
In the middle of the night. That’s such a shitty thing to do, isn’t it.
ALVINA
Really is.
HAINES
We’re in a hurry, though -
COLE
Haines. I didn’t become a public servant NOT to serve the public. Now, I haven’t got a charger for that phone, I’m afraid, but you can borrow my phone for a quick call?
(COLE GIVES ALVINA HIS PHONE)
HAINES
It really needs to be quick!
ALVINA
I’ll be super quick! I promise. Thank you!
COLE
You’re welcome!
ALVINA
Love your costumes by the way! You look like Bon Jovi and Tom Selleck!
COLE
Uh - thanks...!
(ALVINA HEADS OFF TO A CORNER TO CALL)
HAINES
What the hell are you doing?
COLE
She’s got something about her, hasn’t she?
HAINES
You mean her voice?
COLE
What?
HAINES
Her voice rings a bell. Reminds me of someone... But can't put my finger on who...
COLE
I'm not talking about her voice! I'm talking about... I mean she's very attractive. And I think she likes me...
HAINES
Cole! You’re married!
COLE
Not for long. This trip? (SCOFFS) One more surprise late shift? Might be the last nail in the coffin, this.
HAINES
Call her then, tell her you're sorry!
COLE
And get yelled at down the phone? No thank you. At this point I'd rather try my chances with that damsel in distress.
HAINES
You fucking idiot...
COLE
(TO ALVINA) Are you all right over there?
ALVINA
(FROM A DISTANCE) Just trying to remember the number! It's a new one and... It’s stored in my phone which I can’t enter, so...
COlE
I know the feeling! The only numbers I can remember are the ones from before mobile phones.
HAINES
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Yes Cole, that's how to chat her up. By telling her you're old.
COLE
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Shut up!
INT. BACKROOM OF THE GAS STATION.
JACKIE
I’ll be quick, you watch him.
MIA
Nonono, I go first!
JACKIE
Why you?
MIA
You said you could hold it!
JACKIE
You said I couldn’t!
MIA
I haven’t peed since Washington DC!
JACKIE
What?!
MIA
I have a hard time peeing in new countries, okay?
JACKIE
Yes but-
MIA
Fine! I’ve peed a couple of times. But-
KOZLOWSKI
I have not relieved myself since before I drugged myself.
JACKIE
Shut up!
MIA
Ladies first!
(MIA SHOVES PAST AND HEADS INTO THE BATHROOM)
JACKIE
Wait! Argh...
INT. GAS STATION. NIGHT.
ALVINA
It's no use. I can't remember the number.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I have the phone book.
ALVINA
They still make those?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
It's from a few years ago...
ALVINA
Well, this number won’t be in there anyway.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You can use one of those mnemonic devices. To remember.
ALVINA
Well that’s a bit late now, isn’t it.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I suppose.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Oh! Tell you what! There were some people who came in while you were at the phone booth. I'm letting them use the loo in the break room. Why don't you pop back and ask one of them if they have a charger?
ALVINA
That's a good idea! I'll do that! (TO COLE) Well thank you for your help anyway. Here's your phone back.
COlE
A pleasure. If there's anything else I can-
HAINES
We just want to pay please!
INT. BACKROOM OF THE GAS STATION.
(JACKIE BREATHES VERY LOUDLY, MUMBLING UNDER HIS BREATH. SHE REALLY DOESN'T THINK SHE CAN HOLD IT IN)
JACKIE
Okay, that’s it. I can’t hold it anymore. (SHOUTS) Mia! Mia!
KOZLOWSKI
I do not think your friend is quite finished.
JACKIE
Let’s see -
(JACKIE TRIES A DOOR HANDLE, BREATHING AGGRESSIVELY AS SHE PULLS. THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN)
KOZLOWSKI
I do not think that is a lavatory.
(JACKIE PICKS THE LOCK, BREATHING, CONCENTRATED)
JACKIE
Mh - hm...
KOZLOWSKI
Lock picking. Not bad.
(IT CLICKS OPEN)
JACKIE
And lo and behold -
(JACKIE OPENS THE DOOR)
KOZLOWSKI
A maintenance cupboard.
JACKIE
With a sink!
koZLOWSKI
Perfect!
(KOZLOWSKI GOES INTO THE CUPBOARD)
JACKIE
Hey what are you doing?
KOZLOWSKI
I am going to relieve myself. Was that not the idea?
JACKIE
Not you! Me! You can go after!
KOZLOWSKI
You want to leave me unattended?
JACKIE
No. You're staying with me.
KOZLOWSKI
There is no space in this cupboard for two of us.
(JACKIE TRIES TO SQUEEZE IN. WE CAN HEAR FROM HER BREATH AND FALLING OF CLUTTER THAT THERE IS NO SPACE)
JACKIE
Fine! Fine. Nothing goes my way today!
KOZLOWSKI
And... “Going your way” would be peeing in front of a man who is under arrest?
JACKIE
I’ve done worse.
KOZLOWSKI
Please tell.
JACKIE
Just shut the fuck up and be quick.
(JACKIE SLAMS THE CUPBOARD SHUT AND IMMEDIATELY ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
Hello.
JACKIE
Hello. (SHE REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO PEE, AND IT IS AUDIBLE IN HER VOICE.)
ALVINA
Sorry to bother you but, you don't happen to have a charger for a - Are you ok?
JACKIE
Why is everything in this pokey little excuse for a country so difficult? Is it too much to ask for a gas station to be equipped with more than one functioning lavatory?
ALVINA
Oh. The one in the front is free now.
JACKIE
(HOPEFUL) It is?
ALVINA
Yes.
JACKIE
How good are you with a taser?
ALVINA
Excuse me?
JACKIE
Here, I'll give you my charger-
ALVINA
(DELIGHTED) That's the right one!
JACKIE (CON’T)
and this taser-
ALVINA
Just the charger will be fine-
JACKIE (CON’T)
In return you'll keep an eye on that closet and if a guy comes out, big bloke with tattoos, you tell him to stay rooted to the spot or you'll taser him. If he so much as blinks, you-
ALVINA
Got it.
JACKIE
Good. I'll be back in a jiffy.
(JACKIE PUSHES PAST ALVINA)
INT. GAS STATION. NIGHT.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Card or cash?
HAINES
Card.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Would you like a pretzel too?
HAINES
Sorry?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
A pretzel to go along with the petrol. It's on the house.
JACKIE BURSTS IN.
JACKIE
That restroom better be free or I'm going to shoot somebody!
HAINES
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Duck!
(JACKIE CHARGES ACROSS THE ROOM TO THE TOILETS. FROM HER BREATH IT'S CLEAR SHE'S HOLDING IT IN LIKE SHE'S NEVER DONE BEFORE)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Duck, sir?
JACKIE
(FROM THE RESTROOM) Thank fuck!
(JACKIE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, WITH A RELiEVED SIGH. (MAYBE EVEN LETTING OUT A RELIEVED "AH FUCK ME" oR "THANK GOD").
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Duck?
HAINES
I'd like a... duck!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
I’m afraid there’s only ice cream in that freezer.
HAINES
Oh well! Never mind! Thanks anyway!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Sure I can't tempt you with a pretzel?
COLE
No no, we're good.
HAINES
Bye!
COLE
Bye!
(THE DOOR DINGS AND COLE AND HAINES RAPIDLY LEAVE)
EXT. GAS STATION. NIGHT.
COLE
That was close!
HAINES
Shut up and keep on walking.
(PAUSE)
How the hell did she just appear like that? I thought they were over in that café?
coLE
Good thing we were in disguise.
HAINES
Hardly. Your wig is slipping. If she hadn't been in such a hurry she'd have spotted us, for sure!
(THEY REACH THEIR CAR, OPEN THE DOORS AND SHUFFLE IN)
(INT. COLE AND HAINES' CAR. NIGHT)
COLE
I actually think this wig kind of suits me.
HAINES
Thought you said it stank?
COLE
I don't know... It's growing on me...
HAINES
Oh, I see! You think you look like Bon Jovi!
COLE
She did say...
HAINES
You're such an idiot, Cole.
COLE
I wish I could have said goodbye. I mean, I really think she liked me.
HAINES
(SCOFFS)
COLE
So, what's the plan? We wait for Jackie to come out? You think Mia and the surgeon are also in there?
HAINES
Probably. We wait, then keep following them.
COLE
YAWNS
HAINES
Shit!
COLE
What?
HAINES
My credit card.
COLE
What about it?
HAINES
It's not here. Must have left it in the petrol station.
COLE
(LAUGHING) Who's the idiot now?
HAINES
I was paying, then all of a sudden Jackie burst in! I got distracted! Must have forgotten to take it out of the card reader… machine thingy.
COLE
Quickly pop back in?
HAINES
And risk being spotted by Jackie? Nah.
COLE
So...?
HAINES (CON’T)
We'll wait until they come out. Once they drive off I'll dash into the petrol station and get my card. You wait for me with the engine running. I'll only be a few seconds. We'll catch up with them in no time.
COLE
Aha. Ok. Idiot.
HAINES
Idiot.
COLE
Idiot.
INT. BACKROOM OF THE GAS STATION.
(ALVINA PLUGS HER PHONE INTO A SOCKET)
ALVINA
Charging charging charging... Come on come on come on…
(A DOOR OPENS AND ALVINA SPINS AROUND)
Don't move!
MIA
Um, excuse me? Who are you?
ALVINA
I-
MIA
Where is everyone?
ALVINA
She-
MIA
Why are you pointing a taser at me?
ALVINA
I... she... I was told to wait for a man...
Mia
I see. I can take over now. Give me that taser.
ALVINA
Here you go.
(SHE HANDS IT OVER)
MIA
Thanks. And who are you?
ALVINA
Oh, I was just looking for someone to lend me a charger and your friend kindly obliged. I'm just waiting until I have enough battery to make a call.
Mia
Ugh, where did she go?
ALVINA
The loo in the front. Actually, if this one is now free, do you mind if I...?
Mia
You need a tinkle?
ALVINA
Um... yes.
MIA
Knock yourself out. I'm done here.
ALVINA
Thanks.
(ALVINA GOES INTO THE LOO. THE SECOND SHE CLOSES THE DOOR THE CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS AND KOZLOWSKI COMES OUT)
kozlowski
(GROANS WITH RELIEF)
Mia
Good pee?
kozlowski
I feel reborn.
Mia
I know what you mean. When you've been holding it in for so long it's almost like a little orgasm.
KOZLOWSKI
An orgasm is “le petit mort” - the little death. Which makes peeing a micro death.
BEAT.
MIA
That’s … disturbing.
kOZLOWSKI
Where is Jackie?
MIA
In the front. Let's join her.
(THEY LEAVE THE BACKROOM)
INT. COLE AND HAINES' CAR. NIGHT.
(SHIVERING)
COLE
It's bloody cold in here.
HAINES
You can turn on the ignition.
COLE
I suppose.
(COLE TURNS ON THE IGNITION AND THE OLD NISSAN ENGINE STARTS RATTLING. HE SWITCHES ON THE RADIO)
RADIO HOST
The leading headline in the UK today is the collapse of a large section of land by the White Cliffs of Dover.
HAINES
(OVER THE RADIO) What? Turn it up.
(COLE DIALS UP THE VOLUME ON THE RADIO)
Radio HOST
The police reports that a forgotten underground cave system near Dover Castle has now been revealed by the collapse.
HAINES
(OVER THE RADIO) Blimey.
COLE
(OVER THE RADIO) That's just down the road from here!
raDIO HOST
Although no bodies have been found, and no one has been reported missing -
COLE
(OVER THE RADIO) Well, that’s good.
RADIO HOST (CON’T)
- the police reports that they did find remnants of recent human activity among the rubble.
HAINES
(OVER THE RADIO) Probably a homeless person living down there.
RADIO HOST (CON’T)
Among the items recovered was a broken bottle of Veuve Clicquot and a thermos of cocoa that was still warm.
HAINES
(BAFFLED) Oh-
COLE
What?!
HAINES
Turn it off!
COLE
Why? This is-
HAINES
(URGENTLY) I need to think.
COLE
Fine.
(COLE TURNS OFF THE RADIO)
HAINES
They’re still in the UK.
COLE
Could be a coincidence?
HAINES
Veuve Clicquot and cocoa? No. They're here.
COLE
You think they had offices down there? You think blowing up the cave is some sort of a scorched earth strategy? Covering their tracks? You think someone else blew it up?
HAINES
Your girlfriend.
COLE
What?
HAINES
I thought her voice sounded familiar!
COLE
What do you mean?
HAINES
From the tapes! You don't think she sounded like that secretary person?
COLE
Alvera? Alvina?
HAINES
Yes!
COLE
I... I... I guess... I mean… You really think...?
HAINES
Yes!
(EXCITED COLE-SOUND)
INT. GAS STATION. NIGHT.
(JACKIE EXITS THE TOILET. SHE BREATHES LIKE SHE'S JUST HAD AN ORGASM, SHE IS FEELING SO MUCH BETTER)
MIA
Jackie!
JACKIE
Okay, we've wasted enough time. Now let's get back on the road.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Hang on! You haven't purchased anything!
JACKIE
I’m sorry. What?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You can't just come in here, use the facilities and leave without so much as buying a pretzel. You can't spend a penny without spending a penny! (LAUGHS AT HIS JOKE)
JACKIE
I gave you fifty bucks!
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Yeah, but the rules say you have to actually buy something.
JACKIE
Fifty bucks for letting us use your restroom and maintenance cupboard! What are you complaining about?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Eh... maintenance cupboard…?
JACKIE
He peed in the sink.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Eugh! You know it’s me who's going to have to clean that up!
mIA
Cool it everybody! Let's just buy a map and get out of here. You have maps?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Next to the ice cream.
(MIA FLIPS THROUGH THE MAPS)
MIA
Uh... That’s weird.
JACKIE
What?
MIA
All these maps are for the South of England.
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS CHUCKLING)
JACKIE
Are you sure?
MIA
Yeah.
JACKIE
But they wouldn’t sell road maps for the South if we're in the North…
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS OUT LOUD)
JACKIE
What are you laughing at?!
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS EVEN MORE)
KOZLOWSKI
I wondered when you would notice!
MIA
Are we - Have we been -
KOZLOWSKI
We are in Kent. We have been driving south-south east since we left London.
JACKIE
For fucks sake!
MIA
Why didn’t you say anything?!
jACKIE
We just added - what - four hours to our drive?!
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe from here on, I give the directions?
jACKIE
You? How can we trust you?
mIA
Uhh… To be honest Jackie, when it comes to directions maybe I trust him more than I trust us...
jACKIE
(GROWLING) You know your way around this wretched country?
KOZLOWSKI
I know the English countryside like the back of my hand. If we want the safest route, with the least exposure, I know the back roads we should take.
JACKIE
Sure. Whatever gets us back on track. I just want to get to Scotland as soon as possible.
KOZLOWSKI
Soon - but relative to safe. We will drive the back roads.
JACKIE
Sure.
MIA
Let’s go then.
JACKIE
Let’s go.
(THEY HEAD TO THE DOOR)
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Hey! You need to buy something!
(DOOR DINGS AS THEY LEAVE.)
INT. COLE AND HAINES' car. NIGHT.
COLE
They're coming out! What now? Do we keep following the surgeon or do we stick with Alvina? If... If that's really who she is...
HAINES
Shit! I don't know!
COLE
(DOUBTFULLY) We could split up?
HAINES
We only have one car. If I stay here how will I follow her?
COLE
You could just...
HAINES
Yes?
COLE
Arrest her on the spot?
HAINES
On what basis? We don't have a warrant or any kind of proof...
COLE
I thought you were sure?
HAINES
Northcott is going to want more than my certainty. No. We have to stick with the surgeon.
COLE
So we just let Alvina go?
HAINES
Ugh, what do you think?
COLE
I... I don't know!
(FROM OUTSIDE WE HEAR DOORS SLAM AND AN ENGINE REVVING)
COLE
They're driving off. We need to make a decision.
HAINES
Ok! I'll be back in a second!
(HAINES DASHES OUT. HE LEAVES THE CAR DOOR OPEN)
COLE
What- Argh!
(IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR THE DING OF THE DOOR AS HE ENTERS THE PETROL STATION)
(COLE WAITS IN THE CAR. HE BREATHS HEAVILY, TAPS HIS FINGERS ON THE STEERING WHEEL AND MUTTERS TO HIMSELF. WE WAIT WITH HIM FOR QUITE A LONG TIME)
COLE
Come on Haines…
(FINALLY WE HEAR THE DING OF THE DOOR AGAIN AND THE SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE TARMAC. HAINES THROWS HIMSELF INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT)
HAINES
Drive!
(COLE STEPS ON THE ACCELERATOR)
COLE
You got your card?
HAINES
Fuck.
COLE
What?
HAINES
I forgot it. Again.
COLE
Seriously? You want me to stop?
HAINES
No no. We have to catch up with them.
COLE
If you didn't get your card what were you doing in there?
HAINES
I got something far more important.
COLE
What?
Haines
(PAUSE)
Alvina's phone.
COLE
(SURPRISED LAUGH) How did you get that?
HAINES
I wanted to see her one more time. I wanted to commit her face to memory, I wanted to... I don't even know what I wanted... I just couldn't let her go that easily... But she wasn't there.
COLE
Come again?
HAINES
The backroom was empty. I- I don’t know. Maybe she was in the loo or something. But her phone was there, charging. I grabbed it and came straight back to the car.
COLE
(CELEBRATING) Nice!
HAINES
This is going to be very interesting. We'll have plenty of material here... Pictures, texts, emails, contacts, call history...
COLE
Yes!
HAINES
I can start going through it now while we drive.
COLE
Good idea!
Haines
Look! We've caught up with Mia, Jackie and Kozlowski. That's them just ahead. I really wonder where they'll lead us...
COLE
We're back in business!
(HAINES LAUGHS)
MUSIC. CREDITS.
PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and Philip Thorne, edited by Philip Thorne, with sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Torgny G. Aandeera as Cole, Benjamin Noble as Haines, Jordan Cobb as Jackie, Erin King as Mia, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Ben Meredith as the pretzel guy and Adam Raymonda as the newsreader. Coming up, Julia Morizawa as Amelia.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Thank you to our all patrons who chip in to make the show, and a shoutout to our super patrons Angel Acevedo, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui and JK Robbins.
For transcripts, merch, bonus material and ways to support the show visit ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
Epilogue
THE AMELIA OFFICES.
(ALVINA ENTERS)
AMELIA
Alvina! Glad you’re back. Work is piling up.
ALVINA
Are you going to ask me how I got back?
AMELIA
How did you get back?
ALVINA
DFDS.
AMELIA
What?! You took the ferry?!
ALVINA
Yes. Didn't you get my message? Your Gustav fellow stood me up!
AMELIA
Oh. Sorry about that. Anyway, listen Alvina, I need you to find a car mechanic who can build us an exploding engine -
ALVINA
Well. I'm taking a day off.
AMELIA
You don’t get any days off…?
ALVINA
(GETTING MORE AND MORE UPSET) LISTEN! I’ve just hidden in a dirty fishing hold, interviewed the most unhelpful client ever, survived a collapsing cave, lost my phone and been scrunched up as a car trunk stowaway on the Dover-Calais ferry - I think I deserve a day off!
AMELIA
Uhm... Fine.
AlVINA
I'm treating myself to a nice lunch in Saint Germain de Pres. In the last twenty four hours all I've eaten is a bag of pretzels.
AMELIA
Pretzels?
ALVINA
See you tomorrow!
(ALVINA HEADS OUT)
END.