EPISODE 54 - THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY
PIP
Today’s episode is dedicated to Alison and Amelie, Alison told us she has a framed Amelia poster hanging in her osteopathic clinic in New Zealand, something we’re very chuffed about. Enjoy today’s episode.
PROLOGUE
AMELIA
Congratulations. You have come to The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. If you continue there is no return.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you.
You’ll hear back from us.
If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax.
Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
HAMLET
Good morrow. This is Hamlet. Prince of Denmark.
TANNOY (IN THE BACKGROUND)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Hamlet company, this is your beginners call for Act One.
HAMLET
(WHISPERS) Mine colleagues and I art in urgent need of thy help. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark…
TANNOY (IN THE BACKGROUND)
Bernardo, Francisco, Marcellus, Horatio and the Ghost to stage please. Standby stage management and technical staff.
(A CLOCK CHIMES TWELVE. THE WIND WHISTLES OVER THE TURRETS)
HAMLET
The play doth commence! I must switch off mine phone!
(IN THE DISTANCE)
BERNARDO
Who’s there?
FRANCISCO
Nay answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
BERNARDO
Long live the king!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
He.
HAMLET WHISPERS.
There is an interval in two hours. I wilt switch mine phone back on then. Thou canst leave me a message and tell me whither to meet.
(GHOSTLY SOUNDS)
My cue! I must make haste!
(MORE GHOSTLY SOUNDS)
BEEP.
THE AMELIA THEME. ELIZABETHAN VERSION.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 54 - The Royal Shakespeare Company
INTERVIEW.
(THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO CHAIRS SCRAPING ACROSS THE FLOOR AND THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE SHIFTING AROUND, TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE)
INTERVIEWER
Has everyone found a place? There’s still a bit of room here… Fortinbras? Polonius and Laertes, if you just budge up a little we can get Horatio in here… and Hamlet, I think you can just about squeeze in between Claudius and Gertrude… Oh, I’m sorry Osric, do you mind sitting on the floor?
Now. Is that everyone? Aren’t we missing someone? No? Well well well. You came all the way from Stratford?
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s certainly an honour to have the Royal Shakespeare Company pay me a visit. Big fan. Who’s for cocoa?
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay!
INTERVIEWER
So that’s, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, twenty four cups of cocoa. If you can all start passing the cups around?
(CLATTER OF CUPS AND SAUCERS BEING DISTRIBUTED)
Keep passing them on, keep passing them on!
I’m so excited! I love Hamlet. Thirty percent puns, fifty percent sex jokes, and twenty percent death! You know I played the gravedigger once? Right. Does everyone have a cup?
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Claudius, here you go.
(PASSES HIM A CUP)
CLAUDIUS
Ouch! Watch out Gertrude, it’s as hot as molten lead!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it is rather hot isn’t it, Claudius (SHRIEKS) Oh, sorry! Hello Ghost of Hamlet’s Father, I hadn’t seen you lurking there. Do you like the cocoa?
GHOST
(GHOSTLY) This cocoa is the stuff that dreams are made of!
ROSENCRANTZ
Ay! Tis the bard’s bollocks!
INTERVIEWER
Hang on, I know who we’re missing! There is ROsencrantz, but where’s Guildenstern?
(SAD SOUNDS)
He didn’t get left behind on the Eurostar did he?
HAMLET
Alas, poor Guildenstern! I knew him well!
HORATIO
A fellow of infinite jest!
LAERTES
Of most excellent fancy!
ROSENCRANTZ
He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!
OPHELIA
Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar?
GHOST
Out, out, brief candle!
GERTRUDE
Let me be boiled to death with melancholy!
INTERVIEWER
Are you saying he’s… Oh… I’m so sorry. My heartfelt condolences…
HORATIO
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Sooner or later we all must “shuffle off this mortal coil…”
HAMLET
But Guildenstern was ravish'd and wrong’d!
ROSENCRANTZ
Hacked to mince by that clamorous harbinger of blood and death!
INTERVIEWER
What?! Um… You know… Maybe it’s time to stop quoting the bard and tell me in plain speech what has happened here.
HORATIO
A villainous deed, and desperately dispatch’d.
GHOST
Murder most foul, strange and unnatural!
INTERVIEWER
Murder?
LAERTES
Hack'd down by tyrant's hand, by murder's bloody axe!
INTERVIEWER
With an axe?!
OPHELIA
O, keep us from that hellish villain’s violent hands!
INTERVIEWER
Who’s after you Ophelia? Who is this villain?
OPHELIA
I dare not say! His name blisters on my tongue!
(SOUNDS OF DESPAIR BY EVERYONE)
INTERVIEWER
Guys guys, come on, guys! If an axe wielding psychopath is after you, I suggest you give me the facts! And preferably in plain English!
HAMLET
O filthy and contagious clouds of heady murder and villainy!
CLAUDIUS
O ill-dispersing wind of misery!
INTERVIEWER
I never thought I’d say this, but maybe this isn’t the appropriate time to be quoting Shakespeare? You know… You’re not on stage anymore-
LAERTES
All the world’s a stage!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, very clever Laertes.
LAERTES (CON’T)
…and all men and women are merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.
INTERVIEWER (ANNOYED)
Yes yes yes. Do you want me to help you or not?
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay!
INTERVIEWER
Then please, drop the Shakespeare.
GHOST
We dare not!
INTERVIEWER
What? Whyever not?
OPHELIA
We must stay in character from the first chirp of the lark to the ring of the nightingale.
(EVERYONE MURMURS IN AGREEMENT)
INTERVIEWER
Huh… How very method. I didn’t think the RSC went in for that kind of thing.
ROSENCRANTZ
’Tis the express wish of our director, Werner Böhm.
INTERVIEWER
Well blow my flute and strum a lute! You really stay in character and speak in quotations all day?
GERTRUDE
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Even when you’re at Tesco’s buying loo roll?
HORATIO
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Even when someone on the other end of the phone is trying to sell you property insurance?
CLAUDIUS
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Even when you’re ordering a pint?
HAMLET
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Don’t people kick your head in?
CAST OF HAMLET
(HEARTFELT) Ay!
INTERVIEWER
So why do it?
HORATIO
Werner Böhm.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me Horatio?
HORATIO
Werner Böhm!
INTERVIEWER
Your director.
LAERTES
He would have such a fellow whipped for stepping out of character!
INTERVIEWER
Well. I don’t care what this Werner guy says, you’re in my office, and he’s not here. So why don’t we tell that Werner to go suck eggs!
(SHOCKED GASPS)
GHOST
Don’t say that! He hath a millions of false eyes stuck upon us!
HAMLET
We are under his strict and most observant watch!
INTERVIEWER
What, even now?
HORATIO
There is no escaping his watchful tyranny!
INTERVIEWER
He’s across the channel! You’re totally safe here!
ROSENCRANTZ
Best safety lies in fear.
INTERVIEWER
You’re really terrified of this Werner aren’t you?
(SILENCE)
I think you should tell me more about him.
LAERTES
He is a man of boundless intemperance.
THE GHOST
A man of vaulting ambition.
HAMLET
A proud man, drest in a little brief authority, his glassy essence, like an angry ape, plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven, as make the angels weep.
INTERVIEWER
Wasn’t he the one who did that underwater Uncle Vanya at London Aquarium?
OPHELIA
Ay… It is he.
INTERVIEWER
Thought so. Man’s a freak. I’ve read he directs actors at gunpoint. Is that true?
HAMLET
He always gets what he wants and he playeth most foully for’t.
GHOST
He is ruthless, bold and resolute.
INTERVIEWER
Why did you agree to work with such a megalomaniac?
HORATIO
One must not be afraid of greatness.
INTERVIEWER
So you put up with his antics for the sake of art? And you really think that’s worth it?
GERTRUDE
Nay. No profit grows where is no pleasure taken.
INTERVIEWER
How do you put up with him?
GERTRUDE
I oppose my patience to his fury, and am arm’d to suffer,
with a quietness of spirit, the very tyranny and rage of his.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, very noble Gertrude. Anyone else have anything to add? Ophelia? Polonius? Give it a stab…
BEAT.
No?
BEAT.
Good lord. You’re trembling!
BEAT.
Osric! Come on, you haven’t said a word yet. What do you think of Werner Böhm?
PAUSE.
Oh come on!
OSRIC
(SLOWLY AT FIRST, THEN GETTING FASTER, LOUDER AND MORE CONFIDENT) Werner Böhm is a… is a rank beef-witted boar-pig, a bolting-hutch of beastliness, a beslubbering beetle-headed bunch-backed toad, an earth-vexing rabbit-sucker, a bursting bladder of boils, a lump of foul deformity, a currish eye-offending hedge-pig, a swollen parcel of dropsies, a lumpish loggerheaded flap-dragon, a prating paper-faced pantaloon, a puny pox-marked bull’s-pizzle, a clay-brained cream-faced loon, a greasy onion-eyed puke-stocking, a trunk of humours, a hell-hated canker-blossom, a gorbellied milk-livered mumble-news, a pottle-deep pigeon egg, a damned and luxurious mountain goat, a tickle-brained lewdster, a fobbing full-gorged hugger-mugger, a stuffed cloak-bag of guts, a frothy fly-bitten malt worm, a bawdy caddis-garter nut-hook, a mewling folly-fallen fustilarian, a mammering maggot pie, a yeasty clapper-clawed whoreson, a brazen boil-brained apple-john, a vacant lean-witted manikin, a motley-minded rudesby, a waggish unchin-snouted dogfish, a roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, a reeky eel-skin, a dankish dried neat’s-tongue, a waggish rampallian. He is the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes and his tongue outvenoms all the worms of the Nile. There’s no more faith in him than in a stewed prune. He is unfit for any place but hell. But, soft! methinks I do digress too much.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm… Brevity, Osric, is the soul of wit.
Does everyone feel this way about Werner?
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay!
GHOST
He has made our lives a bubbling hell-broth!
INTERVIEWER
I always thought directors were supposed to bugger off after the premiere. You have premiered right?
CLAUDIUS
Ay…
(RUSTLING OF PAPER)
INTERVIEWER
What are those? Reviews? Oh good lord. Is that a picture of Werner Böhm? (HE LAUGHS)
GERTRUDE (QUIETLY)
Why dost thou laugh?
INTERVIEWER
But he’s tiny!
GERTRUDE
Though he be but little, he is fierce!
INTERVIEWER
It’s just not how I imagined him at all… He seems smily and pleasant…
OPHELIA
One may smile, and smile, and be a villain.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. This review isn’t very good is it?
HAMLET
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
INTERVIEWER
No Hamlet, this review is objectively bad. (READS ALOUD) “I’ve had root canal surgery that was less painful and more pleasurable than this overwrought production.” In what world can that be good?
HAMLET
Best men are moulded out of faults, and, for the most, become much more the better, for being a little bad.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS)Try telling that to this critic.
(MORE RUSTLING)
Or this one. Or this one.
BEAT.
Oh good lord… Or this one.
GHOST
They have colluded to spit forth their venomous indignation 'gainst our little play.
INTERVIEWER
Werner can’t be happy about these reviews.
(PAUSE)
GERTRUDE
They are oil and flax to his flaming wrath.
OPHELIA
Never till this day have I seen him touch'd with anger so distemper’d!
HORATIO
He says it is our robustious periwig-pated performance that is to blame, tearing the bard’s verse to tatters, to very rags!
LAERTES
He hath been inflamed by a rage like an angry boar chafed with sweat.
HAMLET
A rage whose heat is so incandescent that nothing can allay it, nothing but blood…
INTERVIEWER
The blood of actors?!
HAMLET (CON’T)
It is why he hack'd poor Guildenstern to mince.
INTERVIEWER
But Guildenstern’s part is tiny! Why take it out on him?
CLAUDIUS
He sawed the air too much with his hands.
GERTRUDE
But it wilt not stop with Guildenstern…
ROSENCRANTZ
Blood and revenge are hammering in his head.
OPHELIA
He hath sworn to be revenged on the whole pack of us.
LAERTES
What ugly sights of death within mine eyes! Last night he left a scroll in mine dressing room threatening to have me torn apart by an angry mob. (SIGHS) I have not slept one wink!
OPHELIA
He will chop off my head.
HORATIO
He will rape me and cut out my tongue.
GERTRUDE
He will bury me to the neck up and leave me to starve.
INTERVIEWER
You can’t be serious! This is mad!
HAMLET
Though this be madness yet there's method in’t.
INTERVIEWER
Method… Oh, oh I see… For each of you he is planning a death from the blood soaked pages of the Collected Works!
HAMLET
I will be dismembered and then burnt.
GHOST
I will be smothered by a pillow!
ROSENCRANTZ
I will die by the bite of a venomous snake!
CLAUDIUS
I will be baked into a pie!
INTERVIEWER
Oh…
LAERTES
And I will die of indigestion.
OSRIC
I will exit pursued by a bear…
HORATIO (PLEADING)
Save us from this barbarous dread-bolted death-token!
HAMLET
His heart is as black as Vulcan in the smoke of war!
OPHELIA
We dare not come within the measure of his tiger-footed rage!
GERTRUDE
I’d rather fetch a toothpick from the farthest reaches of Asia…
POLONIUS
I’d rather pluck a serpent from Medusa’s mane…
GHOST
I’d rather wear yellow stockings and cross garters…
OPHELIA
I’d rather make love to a donkey…
GERTRUDE
Anything to escape that roguish ratsbane’s rage!
CLAUDIUS
He out-herods Herod!
ROSENCRANTZ
The weariest and most loathed worldly life
That age, ache, penury, and imprisonment
Can lay on nature, is a paradise
To what we fear of him.
POLONIUS
He’ll massacre us all, raze our families,
grind their bones to dust!
HAMLET
We must disappear!
EVERYONE
Ay!
HAMLET
(DESPERATE) Wilt thou help us?
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
(HEROIC) I will.
(MURMURS OF RELIEF AND GRATITUDE)
INTERVIEWER
(TRYING TO CALM THEM DOWN) Alright alright. We have to move quickly. We have to kill you before Werner does!
CLAUDIUS
A man can die but once.
INTERVIEWER
Wrong.
CLAUDIUS
(INDIGNANT) That’s Shakespeare!
INTERVIEWER
He obviously didn’t know about Amelia.
OPHELIA
You propose to kill us with a living death?
INTERVIEWER
I propose, as your bard put it, a “death-counterfeiting sleep.”
HAMLET
Death's a great disguiser…
GERTRUDE
I, most jocund, apt, and willingly, to escape him, a thousand deaths would die.
INTERVIEWER
That won’t be necessary Gertrude. One convincingly staged death will suffice. Is there a matinee tomorrow?
OPHELIA
Ay. When the clock strikes two.
INTERVIEWER
Can you remind me how you all die in the play? Polonius?
POLONIUS
I am stabbed behind a curtain.
INTERVIEWER
Ghost?
GHOST
A vial of poison is poured in mine ear.
INTERVIEWER
Ophelia?
OPHELIA
I go insane and drown myself.
INTERVIEWER
Rosencrantz?
ROSENCRANTZ
I am hanged by the King of England.
INTERVIEWER
Gertrude?
GERTRUDE
I accidentally drink poisoned wine.
INTERVIEWER
Claudius?
CLAUDIUS
I am first poisoned, then stabbed.
INTERVIEWER
Laertes?
LAERTES
I am wounded with a poisoned sword.
INTERVIEWER
Hamlet?
HAMLET
I too am wounded with a poisoned sword.
INTERVIEWER
Horatio?
HORATIO
Actually. I live!
INTERVIEWER
Actually, not in tomorrow’s matinee you don’t!
HORATIO
But-
INTERVIEWER
Hamlet, would you mind stabbing Horatio?
HAMLET
T’would be my pleasure.
INTERVIEWER
The curtain falls on the final scene of carnage, then rises again for you to take your bows, but your bloody bodies are still scattered around the stage. The applause subsides and a horrible realisation sweeps the audience. They start to scream. A doctor is called. He declares you dead.
ROSENCRANTZ
What sorcery is this you propose?
INTERVIEWER clears his throat.
Take thou this vial, being then on stage,
And this distilled liquor apply thou to Hamlet and Laertes’ swords, and mix thou in Gertrude’s goblet;
When presently through all ye veins shall run
A cold and drowsy humour, for no pulse
Shall keep his native progress, but surcease:
No warmth, no breath, shall testify ye livest;
The roses in ye lips and cheeks shall fade
To paly ashes, ye eyes' windows fall,
Like death, when he shuts up the day of life;
Each part, deprived of supple government,
Shall, stiff and stark and cold, appear like death:
And in this borrow'd likeness of shrunk death
Ye shalt continue two and forty hours,
And then awake as from a pleasant sleep.
GHOST
Huzzah!
INTERVIEWER
Dar'st thou die? What's done cannot be undone.
LAERTES
Yes, but it will be an illusion, no more yielding than a dream…
INTERVIEWER
Thy disappearance shall be absolute. Thou must bid farewell to family, friends and fame.
HAMLE
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale. Oh, and safety.
CAST OF HAMLET
Safety!
INTERVIEWER
Thou must encounter anonymity as a bride, and hug it in thine arms.
ROSENCRANTZ
Where shalt we go?
INTERVIEWER
O gentle Rosencrantz, upon the heat and flame of thy curiosity, sprinkle cool patience.
ROSENCRANTZ
Patience is sottish!
GERTRUDE
Who can be patient in extremes?
LAERTES
Tell us - where we are bound!
INTERVIEWER
You doubt me? Have faith, man!
CLAUDIUS
Ay, but to die, and go we know not where…
INTERVIEWER
(ANNOYED) Oh very well…
(CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN)
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.
HORATIO
How like a dream is this!
INTERVIEWER
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy…
LAERTES
This is very midsummer madness!
HORATIO
This is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Thy proof that this fantasy exists, thy reason, man?
INTERVIEWER
I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so false, I am loathe to prove reason with them.
HORATIO
He is a dreamer, let us leave him!
HAMLET
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
GERTRUDE
What have we to lose? The miserable have no other medicine,
but only hope.
LAERTES
Our stars shine darkly over us.
OPHELIA
Lest we follow poor Guildenstern to dusty death, we must escape the malignancy of our fate, to such a place where the compass of Werner Böhm’s curse cannot find us.
HORATIO
If we should fail?
HAMLET
We fail? But screw your courage to the sticking place,
and we'll not fail.
CAST OF HAMLET
Ay!
INTERVIEWER
You shall board a baubling vessel, no stronger than a nutshell and as leaky as an unstanched wench, and it will be pushed out into the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth, where you shall be blown around with restless violence.
GHOST
What?
LAERTES
We will run ourselves aground!
INTERVIEWER
You shall be washed up on the shores of an isle full of noises, sounds and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not, peopled with islanders, who, though they are of monstrous shape, have manners more gentle-kind than of our human generation you shall find.
(THE CAST SIGHS IN WONDER)
INTERVIEWER
(FAST, ABANDONING THE SHAKESPEARE) I’m talking of course, about the island of Manhattan.
(LOTS OF DISAPPROVING SOUNDS)
Yes. Actors in Manhattan don't get noticed. Everyone there is an actor. You'll blend right in. You can continue your lives as actors in independent shows, off Broadway productions, and community theatres! Your accents will serve you very well in America.
OPHELIA
Take us to these undiscovered waters!
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh… Take us to these undreamed shores!
GERTRUDE
Take us to this brave new world!
GHOST
Is there a ghost in… Hamilton?
INTERVIEWER
Very well! Give me some music! Champagne, ho!
Let the canakin clink, clink, clink!
(POPPING OF CORKS. JANGLE OF A TAMBOURINE AND STRUMMING OF A LUTE)
ROSENCRANTZ
Come, thou monarch of the vine, plumpy Bacchus with pink eyne!
HAMLET
Cup us, till the world go round!
CAST OF HAMLET
Cup us, till the world go round!
GHOST
Huzzah!
Clank of metal cups.
EVERYONE
Come, thou monarch of the vine,
Plumpy Bacchus, with pink eyne!
In thy fats our cares be drowned,
With thy grapes our hairs be crowned
Cup us, till the world go round,
Cup us, till the world go round!
(CUT TO AMELIA AND ALVINA STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOOR. FROM INSIDE THE INTERVIEWER CAN BE HEARD SINGING TO HIMSELF)
AMELIA
How long has this been going on for?
ALVINA
Hamlet? The past thirty … minutes.
BEAT.
(THEY BOTH SIGH)
Before that he faked the deaths of Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary, Fagin, Frodo Baggins, Tintin and Peter Rabbit.
AMELIA
Oh.
(SILENCE. JUST THE INTERVIEWER SINGING)
ALVINA
He’s getting worse every day. Last night we were playing Scrabble and I tried to put down the word “surgeon.” He completely lost it and proceeded to eat all the scrabble pieces. If they don’t come out by themselves we might need to take him to a doctor.
AMELIA
(LOST IN THOUGHT) This is happening much faster than I expected…
ALVINA
What’s going on Amelia?
(AMELIA ISN’T LISTENING)
Amelia?
AMELIA
Hm?
ALVINA
What. Is. Going. On.
(PAUSE)
Well?
Pause. A cat meows.
AMELIA
There’s that cat again…
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
Amelia!
(PAUSE)
Amelia. You’re going to have to tell me eventually. Come on. Don’t you think it’s time?
(THE INTERVIEWER FINISHES SINGING AND LAUGHS)
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, directed by Philip Thorne and Alan Burgon, designed by Adam Raymonda, with script assistance from Oystein Brager, T.H Ponders and William Shakespeare.
Music by maestro Fredrik Baden
It featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Alex Scott Fairley as Hamlet, Ben Meredith as Osric, Sarah Golding as Gertrude, Carli Fish as Ophelia, Alexander Mercury as Polonius, Spencer Lee Osborne as Laertes, Anthony Glennon as Horatio, Andrew Golder as Claudius, Chris Polick as Rosencrantz, Torgny G Aandera as Francisco, Bernado and the ghost, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Julia Morizawa as Amelia.
The episode was recorded at Soundborne Studio in Vienna.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
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