EPISODE 56 - SEASON 4 FINALE - CURTAIN
PIP
Welcome to the Season 4 Finale, this episode is dedicated to Isabella Silva. Enjoy the show.
PROLOGUE
(A BRASSERIE IN MONTMARTRE. ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER SIT AT A TABLE. SOFT MUSIC. A WAITER APPROACHES)
WAITER
Votre champagne.
ALVINA
Ah, merveilleux!
WAITER
Et votre monnaie.
ALVINA
Merci beaucoup.
(THE WAITER LEAVES)
Levons un verre à notre premier mois à Paris!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Bravo Alvina, I must say, your French is really coming along nicely!
ALVINA
Isn’t it?
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK)
I haven't had a glass of Veuve Cliquout since our first evening here. At the opera with Amelia.
(THE INTERVIEWER HUMS)
Watching you prancing around in that silly suit.
(ALVINA LAUGHS, THE INTERVIEWER STAYS VERY SERIOUS)
INTERVIEWER
I was marvellous!
ALVINA
Feels like more than a month ago doesn't it?
INTERVIEWER
(SOLEMN) I couldn't possibly say.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
(SOLEMN) "There are two days in my calendar. This day and that day."
ALVINA
Who's that? Oh - No, let me guess. (LONG-SUFFERING) Kierkegaard?
INTERVIEWER
(OFFENDED) Kierkegaard?! Oh, not even close. That was Martin Luther.
ALVINA
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that puffed up twerp.
ALVINA
I... didn't know you had strong views on the reformation...
INTERVIEWER
Not the reformation, his death!
ALVINA
(CONFUSED) How so?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you see, after the Edict of Worms permitted anyone to kill Luther without consequence, Frederick the Third had him seemingly murdered by masked horsemen pretending to be highway robbers.
ALVINA
Not the cleverest of fake deaths maybe but-
INTERVIEWER
Hey! Excuse me?! It was the early fifteen hundreds and resources were tight!
ALVINA
Whoa, Back off! Why are you taking this so personally?
INTERVIEWER
Well how would you feel if Zale Indigo Ravenheart came out of hiding in North Macedonia and returned to the pulpit?
ALVINA
Uh...
INTERVIEWER
Or if Nessie left the Caribbean and started prancing down the streets of Inverness for god’s sake?!
ALVINA
They wouldn't! Their contracts make very clear that it's a one way system. No return!
INTERVIEWER
And yet a year after his death, Martin Luther was back in Wittenberg, giving sermons, writing pamphlets and stirring up the peasants.
ALVINA
Ah, well that's just rude. It makes a mockery of our profession.
INTERVIEWER
I know, right?! He could have led a perfectly happy life as a sourdough baker in Apfelstädt or a flag maker in Bostelwiebeck.
ALVINA
Yeah but - If he'd had a proper contract, maybe-
INTERVIEWER
Bla bla bla, it's just paper Alvina.
ALVINA
Is it though?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
I've worked here for nine years, and in that time has a single one of our clients staged a rogue reappearance?
INTERVIEWER
(GRUDGINGLY) Yes alright. You've got a point.
ALVINA
Yes! I’m gonna mark this day in my calendar!
INTERVIEWER
Yes yes…
(SIPS MORE CHAMPAGNE)
(CURIOUS) You know, I've always wondered what you actually say to them when they hand in their passport, collect the new one and sign the papers. I mean I send them to your office with a belly full of cocoa and a smile on their face, twenty minutes later they return trembling and pale as a ghost.
ALVINA
Hm… We're each good at what we do. Let's leave it at that.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nonono. I'm curious...
ALVINA
(SHARPLY) Well so am I.
INTERVIEWER
Um... about what?
ALVINA
A lot of things.
INTERVIEWER
Such as?
ALVINA
I think you know.
INTERVIEWER
Uh...?
ALVINA
Oh come on.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not a mind reader, Alvina. Speaking of mind readers did I ever tell you about that time I faked the death of-
ALVINA
Ah, stop. You're not going to distract again.
(A CAT MEOWS)
INTERVIEWER
I am no- Oh look! It's Sheba! Incredible. She always finds me, no matter where I am. Come here Sheba!
ALVINA
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
INTERVIEWER
Yes… Yes… Alright then… What do you want to know?
ALVINA
Well let's start with your behaviour over the past month.
INTERVIEWER
My behaviour? (REALLY CONCERNED) Have I treated you badly? Because if I have-
ALVINA
I'm worried.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, there's nothing to worry about. Starting in a new city is always a challenge, I know that, but we're finding our feet. I mean, just look at the clients we've had already! A cursed goth! The complete cast of Hamlet! Not to mention Satan himself paying us a visit.
(SHEBA MEOWS)
ALVINA
It's not business I'm worried about.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
ALVINA
It's you.
INTERVIEWER
(UNCONVINCINGLY) Come on Alvina, I'm fine.
ALVINA
Don't lie to me.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not.
ALVINA
Alright then. (SIGHS) Then let's take a stroll to Les Deux Magots. Have a cup of cocoa, hm?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
I said "cocoa".
INTERVIEWER
And I said no.
ALVINA
(DEADPAN) You're not fine.
(SHEBA MEOWS)
INTERVIEWER
Very well. I haven't been feeling quite myself lately. There.
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
(SOFTLY) There was nobody in your office yesterday.
INTERVIEWER
What? What do you mean?
ALVINA
Yesterday. Hamlet. It was all in your head.
INTERVIEWER
Is that true?
BEAT.
(QUIETLY) Well crack my head and call me an omelette.
(THE CAT MEOWS. PERSISTENTLY)
ALVINA
What's up with this cat?
INTERVIEWER
I think she's telling us something.
ALVINA
(UNCONVINCED) Right.
INTERVIEWER
She's... going to the door... Should we... follow?
ALVINA
I could do with some fresh air.
INTERVIEWER
Let's go for a stroll.
(OVER AT THE DOOR THE CAT MEOWS)
We're coming Sheba!
(ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER STEP OUTSIDE)
(A HAPPY EVENING ATMOSPHERE. AN ACCORDIONIST IS PLAYING)
It's a lovely evening. And look, street musicians. Do you mind if we listen for a bit?
ALVINA
Sure.
(THE BUSKER'S MUSIC TURNS INTO AN ACCORDION VERSION OF THE AMELIA THEME)
INTRO
Episode 56. Curtain. Season 4 Finale.
INTERVIEWER
I want to give him a coin.
(RUMMAGES AROUND HIS POCKETS BUT DOESN’T FIND ANYTHING. HE GETS INTERRUPTED BY ALVINA HANDING HIM A COIN WITH A SMILE)
ALVINA
Here you go.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
(THE INTERVIEWER TOSSES A COIN IN THE BUSKER'S HAT)
(SHEBA MEOWS)
ALVINA
You still want to follow the cat?
INTERVIEWER
I'd like to know where she wants to take us. Is that ok with you?
ALVINA
Well, if we're going to follow a cat around town, at least she's choosing a beautiful street.
INTERVIEWER
Rue Lepic.
(HE SINGS "RUE LEPIC" BY YVES MONTAND. ALVINA JOINS IN FOR A MOMENT UNTIL THEY BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh you know that?
ALVINA
(SMILING) I’ve been listening to you.
(THEY CHUCKLE, THEN WALK IN SILENCE FOR A WHILE)
ALVINA
So. Yesterday.
INTERVIEWER
All in my head you say...
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
My my…
ALVINA
You see why I'm worried?
INTERVIEWER
Don't be.
ALVINA
But-
INTERVIEWER
Do you know how many stories I've collected over my life Alvina?
ALVINA
Are you trying to change topic again?
INTERVIEWER
No! No, all I'm just saying, I collect multiple stories a day, dozens a week, hundreds a month, thousands a year...
ALVINA
(EXASPERATED) Yeah - What are you saying?
INTERVIEWER
That... I may be losing the ability to distinguish between different kinds of stories... between what's real and fictional... between what clients have told me and things I have read for example...
ALVINA
I see...
INTERVIEWER
You see… Yesterday morning I was perusing the Complete Works over breakfast and- Damn, I could have sworn the RSC came into the office in the afternoon! You're sure it was-
ALVINA
Have you been reading Martin Luther too by any chance?
INTERVIEWER
What makes you say that?
ALVINA
Back at the brasserie you seemed to be implying that it was you who faked his death.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Yes. That puffed up twerp. Did you know that after the Edict of Worms permitted anyone to kill him without consequence, Frederick the Third had him seemingly murdered by masked horsemen pretending to be-
ALVINA
You just told me that exact same story.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Oh… Uhm… sorry.
(SHEBA MEOWS)
What about this?
ALVINA
This?
INTERVIEWER
This delightful evening stroll.
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Is it real?
ALVINA
Are you joking?
(PAUSE)
You're... you're... not?
INTERVIEWER
Well we've just established that my consciousness isn't exactly reliable right now, so...
ALVINA
You think you might be imagining this?
INTERVIEWER
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to tell.
ALVINA
I'm real.
INTERVIEWER
You seem real.
ALVINA
Happy to hear it.
INTERVIEWER
Yes but then so did Polonius yesterday.
Jump over the moon.
ALVINA
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
Just do it.
ALVINA
You want me to...
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
(ALVINA JUMPS. NOT VERY HIGH. THEY BOTH CHUCKLE AT THE PATHETIC JUMP)
ALVINA
Happy?
interviewer
I suppose... Yes.
ALVINA
Hey. I'm real. And I care for you. Deeply. I know something is up and I want to help. But in order to do so, I need to understand you better. I still sometimes feel I hardly know you.
INTERVIEWER
Well we haven't known each other very long.
ALVINA
I've been working with you for nine years!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly.
ALVINA
Well that's... a long time! Isn't it?
INTERVIEWER
Hardly.
ALVINA
It's a third of my life!
INTERVIEWER
Really?
ALVINA
I turn thirty next November so… That makes…
INTERVIEWER
Oh. I see how that would be a long time. Sorry.
ALVINA
You're so weird.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
ALVINA
No, I meant... it doesn't matter.
interviewer
(CALLS TO THE CAT) Slow down Sheba! We can hardly keep up!
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina did you mean that?
ALVINA
What.
INTERVIEWER
The thing about... (CLEARS THROAT) caring for me.
ALVINA
Of course, you idiot!
INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
ALVINA
Don't thank me, tell me what I can do to help.
INTERVIEWER
You can't.
ALVINA
Don’t underestimate me.
INTERVIEWER
This isn't like smuggling Kierkegaard's handwritten notes for Fear and Trembling out of the Museum of Copenhagen or removing all the orange smarties from the tube. Thanks for that again by the way.
ALVINA
(SIGHS) I keep telling you, the colours don't make a difference, smarties all taste the same.
INTERVIEWER
They don't, they don't! (SAD SIGH) Or at least they didn't.
ALVINA
What's this thing about not tasting chocolate anymore?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it seems to be some sort of unfortunate side effect.
ALVINA
A side effect to what?!
(SHEBA MEOWS)
INTERVIEWER
Oh look, Sheba wants us to turn left.
ALVINA
Um... Are we really going to follow her into the cemetery?
INTERVIEWER
Let's. I haven't been to Montmartre Cemetery for a very long time.
ALVINA
Ugh, I don't really like cemeteries.
INTERVIEWER
Really, why not?
ALVINA
I think it's pretty normal not to like cemeteries, no?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, they're peaceful.
ALVINA
And full of death.
INTERVIEWER
Are you scared of death?
ALVINA
Of course!
INTERVIEWER
What?!
ALVINA
Why are you surprised?!
INTERVIEWER
Death is your job.
ALVINA
No, our job is rebirth.
INTERVIEWER
You don't believe in life after death?
ALVINA
Woah... This just got very deep all of a sudden.
INTERVIEWER
Huh, well we can talk about smarties again if you prefer.
(LOTS OF MEOWING)
ALVINA
Looks like Sheba has taken us to see her friends.
(MEOWING OF SEVERAL CATS)
INTERVIEWER
So Sheba is a cemetery cat! I had no idea.
(AS THEY WALK DEEPER INTO THE CEMETERY MORE CATS JOIN THEM)
You know, this cemetery is famous for its cats. No one is quite sure where they came from, but they live among the mausoleums, sunning themselves on marble tombstones and keeping watch over their inhabitants.
Look, that's the grave of Heinrich Heine.
(THEY WALK OVER TO THE GRAVE)
ALVINA
What does it say? I don't read German.
INTERVIEWER
Where shall I, the wander-wearied, Find my haven and my shrine? Under palms will I be buried? Under linden on the Rhine?
Shall I lie in desert reaches, Buried by a stranger's hand? Or upon the well-loved beaches, Covered by the friendly sand?
(HE SWITCHES TO THE ORIGINAL GERMAN)
Immerhin! Mich wird umgeben Gotteshimmel, dort wie hier, Und als Totenlampen schweben Nachts die Sterne über mir.
(PAUSE. THEY KEEP WALKING)
Who else would you like to visit?
ALVINA
Um?
INTERVIEWER
This is the final resting place of the most colourful characters in Montmartre. Poets, composers, philosophers, cancan dancers... You know, if I had to choose a cemetery where I could interview all the ghosts, this one would be high on my list.
(THEY KEEP WALKING AND THE INTERVIEWER POINTS OUT GRAVES)
Look, that's the grave of Alexander Dumas from the Three Musketeers. And over there we have Adolphe Sax, inventor of the saxophone.
Oh and look, that's Berlioz, composer of the Symphonie Fantastique, created entirely under the influence of opium. Or here, Picabia, the master of making artworks out of glued-down macaroni. Stories, stories, so many stories...
ALVINA
Hey.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) Stories…
ALVINA
(SOFTLY) Maybe you should be taking a break from stories.
INTERVIEWER
And do what?
(THEY STOP)
I'm serious. Without stories life isn't worth living. And I wanted to collect them all.
ALVINA
All the stories ever told?
INTERVIEWER
I know. What can I say. We were young and ambitious.
ALVINA
We?
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski.
ALVINA
Ah.
(THEY KEEP WALKING)
You really miss him don't you.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I need him Alvina.
ALVINA
I understand. I mean, I'm not sure how far back you two go exactly, but I get the feeling that-
INTERVIEWER
Without him I will die.
BEAT.
ALVINA
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY SCARED) I am disintegrating Alvina. Every day I feel weaker and the sensations become stranger.
At first it was that I simply couldn't taste the cocoa, but now?
It tastes of ashes.
I am slipping away. A few more days, weeks perhaps, I don't know. But whatever time is left, let's fill it with life and laughter and stories. Ey?
ALVINA
(CAN'T SPEAK).
INTERVIEWER
Alvina. Hm? Alvina? I mean, say something.
ALVINA (SHAKY)
What do you need from Kozlowski?
INTERVIEWER
Patience.
ALVINA
Patience?
INTERVIEWER
"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time." That's Tolstoy.
BEAT.
(SIGHS) I had become used to a limitless supply of both.
ALVINA
You- You mean Kozlowski has been keeping you alive? How?
INTERVIEWER
Oh… He is a man of many mysteries.
BEAT.
Look. Sheba has stopped.
ALVINA
Do you mind if we sit down? This is a lot to take in. (SHE SNIFFS)
INTERVIEWER
Of course. Let's sit on that bench over there.
(ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER SIT)
Come here Sheba.
(SHEBA JUMPS ONTO THE INTERVIEWER'S LAP AND STARTS PURRING)
(TO SHEBA) Are you content at last?
ALVINA
It's like she wanted to take us to this exact place.
INTERVIEWER
I think she did.
(A LONG PAUSE)
ALVINA
Hey, hey what is it?
(PAUSE)
Um... What are you staring at? Hello?
(PAUSE)
(ATTEMPTS A FEEBLE JOKE) Cat's got your tongue?
(PAUSE)
Ok, now you're scaring me.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFLTY) The gravestone.
ALVINA
What... what about it?
INTERVIEWER
Read it.
ALVINA
I can hardly see it from here.
ALVINA gets UP AND MOVES CLOSER TO THE GRAVESTONE.
(READS) "Maine Móepirt Arthur, son of Athramail." Huh. Quite the name. You know this man?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
pause.
ALVINA
Ok... Who is he?
(PAUSE)
Well?
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
It's me Alvina.
ALVINA DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH, CRY OR SCREAM. EVENTUALLY SHE LAUGHS. HARD.
INTERVIEWER
(A BIT TAKEN ABACK) It's a beautiful name don’t you think?
ALVINA
Maine Móepirt Arthur, son of Athramail?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
alvina gathers herself.
ALVINA
Gah! Okay. Listen to me.
(SHE SOUNDS SHAKY)
It's a warm evening, we don't have any clients tomorrow morning, I've got a Tupperware of freshly baked scones in my bag.
INTERVIEWER
What are you saying.
ALVINA
I'm not leaving this bench until I've heard your story from beginning to end.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
(ANNOYED) Why from beginning to end?
ALVINA
Isn't that... how stories are usually told?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but that's so boring.
ALVINA
Very well. Tell it from the end to the beginning if you prefer.
INTERVIEWER
I think I would.
ALVINA
But! I want to know everything. No cheating. No distracting. The whole story at last.
INTERVIEWER
You mean stories.
ALVINA
Right.
INTERVIEWER
It will take a while.
ALVINA
Like I said, we've got scones. And cats for company.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY TO THE CAT) Do you want to hear my stories Sheba? Oh look at that. She's fallen asleep.
(THE INTERVIEWER STROKES THE SOFTLY PURRING CAT)
Do you remember Venerio?
ALVINA
The Venetian mask maker?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Do you remember his skill?
ALVINA
He... could predict death. Or so he claimed...
INTERVIEWER
Yes… I asked him to predict my death.
ALVINA
You did?
INTERVIEWER
In Venice. After I helped him escape the plummeting cherub in the basilica.
ALVINA
Ye- What did he say?!
INTERVIEWER
That my death would take place on the hill of martyrs and Bastet would be my guide to the underworld.
ALVINA
Who is Bastet?
INTERVIEWER
An Egyptian goddess most commonly depicted as a cat.
ALVINA
Oh.
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS QUIETLY HUMMING. SAME MELODY AS AT THE START OF THE SEASON)
INTERVIEWER
Care to join me?
(ALVINA JOINS)
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) So. Time for a story?
ALVINA
Time for a story.
(MUSIC. THE SAME MELODY THEY HUMMED)
PIP
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and music and sound design by Fredrik Baden.
It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer and a cameo by Stephane Gerard as the waiter.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. This episode was recorded at Soundbourne Studio in Vienna.
Thank you to Ruben Stranger for musical inspiration.
This was the last episode of Season 4, thank you all so much for listening. We would love to make another season. As you know, this show is for the large part listener funded, so if you would like to help us make another season of the show, do consider going to ameliapodcast.com and supporting the show either by becoming a patron or by making a one off donation.
We certainly couldn’t have made this season without our generous supporters, so to everyone who has supported us this season, thank you so so much, and a shoutout to Isabella Silva, Kevin Rowland, Angel Acevedo, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Mints and such, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, JK Robbins, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Rushabh Shukla and Chloe Leferman.
Thank you for listening, you can follow us on social media for updates, we’re on Tumblr, instagram, twitter and Facebook, we hope to be back, and in the meantime, keep drinking cocoa and if you need to disappear, leave your message after the beep.
END.