EPISODE 57 - ROSS
PIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners, welcome back and welcome to Season 5 Part 1. This episode is dedicated to Rodney Daliege who would like us to fake his death during a bike race, taking a turn a bit too fast and going over a cliff. We will resurrect Rodney as a mechanic in a bike shop in the Netherlands.
Enjoy the show.
ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE SITTING IN MONTMARTRE CEMETERY. WHERE WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF SEASON FOUR. BIRDS.
ALVINA
So…
INTERVIEWER
So…
ALVINA
So…
INTERVIEWER
So…
ALVINA
So… you’re going to tell me your story?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. From end to beginning.
ALVINA
You’re sure you don’t want to, you know, start with the beginning?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
This isn’t one of your interviews.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
There’s no need to be clever or play mind games with me.
INTERVIEWER
Oh it’s not that. It’s just easier this way.
ALVINA
Easier? Really?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you know my memory has been slipping lately.
ALVINA
I thought that was just your short term memory.
INTERVIEWER
I think working my way backwards will help me remember things.
ALVINA
Very well. How long will it take?
INTERVIEWER
As long as we need. Stories, just like cocoa, should never be rushed.
ALVINA
I have until sunrise.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(WITH A DEEP BREATH) Such a clear night.
ALVINA
Yes. I didn’t think you could get such starry skies in a city.
INTERVIEWER
Montmartre is the highest place in Paris. Look, you can even see Pisces.
ALVINA
I know nothing about the stars.
INTERVIEWER
See that star there?
ALVINA
I have no idea where you’re pointing.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) It’s brighter than the others.
ALVINA
Ok, I think I see it.
INTERVIEWER
Then there’s a star below, and a star below that, forming a line.
ALVINA
Right…
INTERVIEWER
Then another line of stars, going up, like a v shape. And then at the very end a little circlet for the head.
ALVINA
Head?
INTERVIEWER
Well pisces is a fish.
ALVINA
It looks nothing like a fish.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Yes, well… You have to use your imagination, Alvina.
ALVINA
Seeing a fish in that takes a lot of imagination.
INTERVIEWER
Well, the fish is a more recent interpretation. Ancient Babylonians saw it as two separate objects: a great swallow and the lady of heaven. Chinese astronomers saw it as a farmer's fence that kept animals from escaping.
ALVINA
Hm. Neither of those really does it for me either.
INTERVIEWER
Well what do you see?
ALVINA
I just see… a bunch of stars.
(THE INTERVIEWER HUMS)
I mean, it’s beautiful. Really beautiful. I just don’t see the need to project anything else onto it.
BEAT.
What’s that big star? The one to the right of your “v”.
INTERVIEWER
That’s… uhm… well that’s not a star Alvina.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
That’s Mars.
ALVINA
Really? I didn’t know you could see that with the naked eye.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it’s one of the easier planets to spot, but it’s unusual to see it so early in the night. Well done Alvina.
ALVINA
Thank you.
(PAUSE)
What is it? What are you thinking about?
(THE INTERVIEWER MAKES A VERY WEIRD SOUND)
ALVINA
E-excuse me?
(THE INTERVIEWER REPEATS THE WEIRD SOUND)
Um… Are you alright? Should we… Should I get help? Is this… Are you…
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nononono, I’m fine Alvina. I was just thinking about a client.
ALVINA
A client?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Called (TRIES TO IMITATE THE SOUND.)
INTERVIEWER
Of course not. Don’t be silly.
ALVINA
Oh… I… But…
INTERVIEWER
His name was Ross.
ALVINA
That is a more normal name.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nothing about this client was normal.
BEAT.
ALVINA
Well come on then! I can see you want to tell me about this Ross!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I haven’t thought about it for a while. This was twenty years ago. (CHUCKLES) Are you sitting comfortably?
ALVINA
Very comfortable.
INTERVIEWER
Then let me tell you a little story.
(THEME, SCI FI-STYLE, X-FILES-STYLE, WITH THEREMIE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 57 - Ross, 2001.
THE INTERVIEW
(AN ELEVATOR DESCENDING)
INTERVIEWER
Area 51 ey.
SCOTT
You took your time. It’s already January 22nd - 2001! We contacted you last year!
INTERVIEWER
We tend to get rather busy whenever there’s a change of president over here. Always a lot of people who feel the need to escape before the inauguration. But I’m here now, and I am so excited!
SCOTT
No one knows you’re here?
INTERVIEWER
Of course not! My disguise worked perfectly. I went for “crazy UFO enthusiast”, to blend in with the crowds outside your gate.
SCOTT
Yeah. It was a bit too hard figuring out which one was you
INTERVIEWER
I said I would be wearing a cocoa stain on my lapel! Look, right here, see?
SCOTT
Hardly sets you apart.
INTERVIEWER
Huh?
SCOTT
People outside that gate don’t wash their clothes that often.
INTERVIEWER
Hmf…! I doubt the cocoa stains on their shirts are from Les Deux Magots!
SCOTT
Well it doesn’t matter. I spotted you.
INTERVIEWER
You certainly did, captain. (CHUCKLES) May I call you Scott?
(PAUSE)
SCOTT
Sure.
INTERVIEWER
Thanks!
(PAUSE)
I’m riding a super secret elevator! Ha! You know, this is nearly as exciting as when Elvis almost choked on a chocolate chip cookie right before we faked his heart attack! Yes, yes, that was us! Would you like to hear the story? Kozlowski was hiding in the bathtub preparing the injection we were going to put right-
SCOTT (INTERRUPTING)
Listen! No one’s allowed in Area 51 without top clearance. Okay? And you don’t have top clearance! Which means I’m out on a real limb! Just… Please stay focused.
INTERVIEWER
(SOBERING UP) Right, yes. Apologies.
(BOTH RELEASE A BREATH. PAUSE.)
Where are we going?
SCOTT
The basement.
(SILENCE. THE HUM OF THE ELEVATOR)
INTERVIEWER
Basement. Right. Yes.
(ELEVATOR SOUND, THE INTERVIEWER CLEARS HIS THROAT, THEN BLOWS A RASPBERRY)
Very deep basement?
SCOTT
The less you know the better.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. Marks the word.
(PAUSE.)
Can’t I even ask which floor we’re going to?
SCOTT
No!
INTERVIEWER (ALMOST INAUDIBLY)
Right.
SCOTT (CON’T)
Only a handful of people know how many underground floors there are at Area 51. I’m not even one of those people.
(VERY WEIRD NOISE)
INTERVIEWER
What the devil was that?!
SCOTT
No our floor.
INTERVIEWER
And what’s on our floor?
SCOTT
Not what. Who.
INTERVIEWER
The client?
SCOTT
That’s right.
INTERVIEWER
And who’s the client?
SCOTT
I’d rather you discovered that for yourself…
INTERVIEWER
Okay… And why couldn’t the client come to my office?
SCOTT
He’s not allowed out of Area 51. That’s kind of the issue.
INTERVIEWER
Should I be scared?
SCOTT
Depends what you are scared of?
INTERVIEWER
Nothing. Except penguins.
SCOTT
Then you shouldn’t be scared. It’s not a penguin.
INTERVIEWER
Good. If it was a penguin, we’d have a problem!
(SCOTT HITS THE EMERGENCY BRAKE. THE ELEVATOR SCREECHES TO A HALT)
Ah!
SCOTT
Listen!
INTERVIEWER
Why did you hit the emergency brake?!
SCOTT
You’ve got to understand: I am putting my neck on the line by bringing you here! My bosses don’t know. They mustn’t find out!
INTERVIEWER
Interesting…
SCOTT
I’ve just snuck you into the most heavily guarded military base in the US, possibly in the world. I’ve hired you to do a job. And you have said yes to doing that job. That means you will do that job. Even if the client should happen to be a penguin! Is that clear?
INTERVIEWER
(UNBOTHERED) As clear as Bill Clinton’s dance card.
SCOTT
What does that mean?
INTERVIEWER
It’s clear.
SCOTT
Good.
(SCOTT HITS THE BUTTON TO MAKE THE ELEVATOR MOVE AGAIN)
I’m sorry for being curt.
INTERVIEWER
Oh…
SCOTT
I can’t afford to have this go wrong. I don’t want to end up in the stockade. I’ve got a little kid, you know!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you do?
SCOTT
Yeah, yeah, a daughter. Jessica. She’s four. (NERVOUSLY TRYING TO EASE THE TENSION WITH TALK.)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, lovely age
SCOTT (CON’T)
Jess loves all the fluffy toys.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes
SCOTT (CON’T)
That’s been her thing for ages. Huge, fluffy toys. (INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES) Which we have to bring back and forth to daycare every day… She can’t spend a minute without them! (INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES AGAIN) In the beginning the guards would stop us to examine her toys every time we passed!
INTERVIEWER
What, her daycare centre is here? Inside Area 51?
SCOTT
Sure. It’s one of the perks of serving here. Stressful job, high risk, top secret… But we have some decent benefits. Like free daycare.
INTERVIEWER
I’m impressed.
SCOTT
Safest place in the world to leave your kid, isn’t it? No one gets in here.
INTERVIEWER
Yes… Apart from me.
SCOTT
Yeah. Right.
INTERVIEWER
Right. (SIGHS) Tell me more about Jess.
SCOTT
(WITH A SMILE) Every day Ralph and Mickey - they’re the entrance guards - would cut open Jess’s toys, (THE INTERVIEWER GASPS) which would make her cry, of course.
INTERVIEWER
Of course!
SCOTT (CON’T)
And then they’d have to stitch them up again to make her stop. Monday to Friday we went through the same charade, and it went on for months. It drove Ralph and Mickey mad!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, the poor thing. What happened?
SCOTT
In the end they just gave up. Now they just squeeze the toys a bit and let us through. (CHUCKLES) Now that’s pester power for you!
(THE ELEVATOR STOPS)
Alright. This is our floor.
(THE DOORS OPEN. THEY STEP INTO AN ENORMOUS, ECHOEY HALL)
INTERVIEWER
Well feed me gumdrops and call me Grandma! This place is huge.
(SHOUTS)
Hello! (NO ECHO)
SCOTT
Welcome to the most secret part of the most secret basement in the most secretive military base in the world!
INTERVIEWER
Look at that glass cell! Who’s inside? Is this more of a Hannibal Lecter or a Magneto sort of situation?
SCOTT
Neither.
INTERVIEWER
Why are the lights off?
SCOTT
He likes darkness. Reminds him of home. Now listen. They’re a friend of mine. You understand? If you mess up I will have to shoot your pretty face off. Tell my superiors you broke in here. Understand?
INTERVIEWER
Do you really think my face is pretty?!
SCOTT
You get what I’m saying! You tick off these three boxes - or you tick me off, okay?
INTERVIEWER
Okay… What boxes?
SCOTT
Number one: Absolute secrecy. No one must ever know who you’ve spoken to today.
INTERVIEWER
My lips are sealed tighter than a camel’s butt in a sandstorm!
SCOTT
Two. Success. Either this goes smoothly, or…
INTERVIEWER
…or my face will end up detached from my body.
SCOTT
Affirmative.
INTERVIEWER
Got it.
SCOTT
Three. You only have … fifteen minutes.
INTERVIEWER
Right, bet-What?! Fifteen minutes - why?!
SCOTT
Because you were so damn late! And in fifteen minutes we’re gonna be discovered by the new commander-in-chief.
INTERVIEWER
By George Bush Jr.!?
SCOTT
That’s what I just said! Can you do it?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I do love a challenge! Without risk, life is so booooring.
SCOTT
Well, go on then, enter! I’ll wait out here and keep lookout. I’ll watch you through the glass.
(SCOTT OPENS THE DOOR. THERE’S A SWOOSH OF COMPRESSED AIR AS THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS. WHEN THE DOOR CLOSES, THE REVERB CHANGES FROM AN ECHOEY HALL TO A SMALL, CLOSED OFF SPACE)
INTERVIEWER
Hello?
(THE BUZZING OF A LAMP COMING ON)
So, where is the client…
SCOTT
(FROM OUTSIDE, THROUGH SPEAKERS)
He’s right there!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Scott, you can hear me! Look, there’s no one in here but me and that small, inflatable doll that looks like a clichéd, green alien.
(IT MOVES, THE INTERVIEWER YELPS)
ROSS
I’m not green, I’m chartreuse!
INTERVIEWER
Good lord! It talks!
ROSS
And I’m only chartreuse cause it’s winter, in summer I’m a much more flattering taupe.
INTERVIEWER
Shave me like a bearded lady! You’re -
ROSS
Also, I’m not small! I’m two foot four, actually, and for my species that’s -
INTERVIEWER
More like two two I’d say…
ROSS
I’m two foot four!
INTERVIEWER
Are you the Roswell Alien?
ROSS
My friends call me Ross.
INTERVIEWER
Hah! Short for Roswell -
ROSS
No. It’s short for Rosencrantz, actually.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Oh that’s a very… Human name…
ROSS
Is it?
INTERVIEWER Well, yes. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are both characters in-
ROSS
My grandfather was called Rosencrantz. My great-grandfather was called Guildenstern.
INTERVIEWER (FLABBERGHASTED) No?! Really?! But they’re characters in Hamlet! I mean, I should know, I once played the gravedigger!
ROSS
Where do you think old Willy got his names from?!
SCOTT
Get a move on!
INTERVIEWER
But- but- but- this is incredible! You mean to tell me that Shakespeare fraterised with aliens! I mean!
ROSS
Yep. My grandfather played Puck in the original production of a Midsummernight’s dream.
INTERVIEWER
Oh I’ll be damned.
ROSS
Pleasure to meet you.
(ROSS OFFERS HIS HAND. THEY SHAKE)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, oh, no, no, the pleasure’s all mine. Oh, I’m sorry if I’m a bit worked up. You see, Rosencrantz, it’s my first time shaking hands with an extraterrestrial!
ROSS
My name’s not Rosenkrantz!
INTERVIEWER
But you said…?
ROSS
(ROSS LAUGHS) I was having you on! God, you’re such a chump! Knock knock, anybody home? There were no aliens in a Midsummernight’s dream.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Haha! Of course there weren’t. So, Ross, how come you are here?
ROSS
Are you about to start that whole “Where are you really from?” schtick? Cause I’m sick of that bullshit!
(ROSS SNORTS)
INTERVIEWER
I’m just curious what brought you to Earth?
ROSS
I was sent to check how you were doing. Then I had a spot of trouble with a solar flare and crash-landed in the New Mexico desert. And I’ve been a prisoner at Area 51 ever since.
(TO SCOTT)
Ain’t that right, buddy? Yeah, Scott’s nodding, haha.
INTERVIEWER
Well, don’t you worry. I’m here to help you escape!
ROSS
(SCEPTICAL) You’re who Scott got me, eh?
INTERVIEWER
I’m the best in the business.
ROSS
We’ll see about that. My case is pretty unique.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, we’ve helped people escape prison before.
ROSS
I don’t just want to get out, I want to escape Bush Jr!
SCOTT
(FROM THE OUTSIDE)
Who will be here in less than fourteen minutes!
INTERVIEWER
About that… Why is the president coming?
ROSS
The Briefing.
INTERVIEWER
Which is…?
ROSS
Every new US president has to go through what they call “The Briefing”. It’s the important information you’re only given after you’re sworn in. The top-top-top secret stuff. I am chapter three, bullet point two!
INTERVIEWER
What’s bullet point one?
ROSS
Who’s bullet point one…
INTERVIEWER
(GASP!) I do! Who is bullet point one?!
ROSS
You don’t want to know.
INTERVIEWER
I do!!
ROSS (IGNORING HIM)
As part of The Briefing, the new president is always brought to Area 51 to see me with their own eyes.
SCOTT
(FROM OUTSIDE) And he is going to be here in thirteen minutes and three seconds!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, thank you Scott. Uhm, Ross - now if I remember correctly, you’ve been here since 1947. It’s now it’s 2001. Why haven’t you escaped before?
ROSS
The answer to that stands right there!
INTERVIEWER
Scott?
ROSS
Jup! He only started working here seven years ago. I’m not allowed outside, I’m not allowed phone calls, I’m a prisoner. Without a friend, I can’t do shit. Never mind escape.
INTERVIEWER
But why only now? If you’ve known Scott for seven years?
ROSS
Two reasons. One is, it takes time to build a friendship. When Scott was first assigned to my detail, hah! We didn’t get on…
(TO SCOTT OUTSIDE)
Cause you didn’t like illegal aliens, did ya' buddy? That’s right, thumbs down! Boo!
(ROSS LAUGHS.)
He didn’t appreciate my wise cracking ass. But, you know, sometimes there are slow nights, when I’m not being poked and prodded. And on one such night a few years back I managed to convince Scott to play a round of poker. I beat him bad! Yeah, thumbs down! Boo!
(LAUGHS.)
Scott couldn’t let an alien beat him, so we had to play another round… Then it was best out of three… And that was the beginning of a long line of late night poker games!
Slowly, Scott gave in to my extraterrestrial charms. We started talking. Scott would tell me about Jess and I would tell him about my little kid back home on (WEIRD ALIEN NOISE). We bonded. And here we are.
INTERVIEWER
You said there were two reasons it’s taken you so long. What’s the other?
ROSS
The other is that we’ve been lax. The last eight years have been a breeze. When Bill came here, he shook my hand, lifted my peyote ban and told them to ease up on the testing. I’ve had nearly a decade without a single anal probe! Now, with the new guy… Anal’s back on the table, for sure. And worse.
INTERVIEWER
How do you know?
ROSS
Know his dad, don’t I. Last time there was a Bush in office, they experimented on me in ways that make Dr. Doom look like Dr. Doolittle.
INTERVIEWER
Those bastards! I guess we need to get you out of here then!
SCOTT
(OVER SPEAKER) In the next twelve minutes!
INTERVIEWER
Although… there is one more thing I don’t understand. Why doesn’t Scott just let you out?
(TO SCOTT OUTSIDE) Scott, why don’t you just let Ross out?
SCOTT
(OVER SPEAKER) Just do your job, goddamnit! We’re almost at eleven minutes!
INTERVIEWER
Scott, that countdown really isn’t doing it for me.
SCOTT
(OVER SPEAKER) Either you hurry up, or I come in there and shoot you in the face!
INTERVIEWER
Well, he’s getting very agitated isn’t he? Ross, can you please explain to me why Scott doesn’t just let you out?
ROSS
Sure. First of all, chances are, we’d be caught. Which would be bad for both of us. Type “start-digging-a-hole—six-feet-deep” bad. Then secondly, if I actually got out of here alive, I’d still have to go somewhere. But where? Wherever I go, if someone finds me, I end up being experimented on. I know that from last time.
INTERVIEWER
So you have escaped before?!
ROSS
To Guatemala. 1954. Jacobo got me safely across the border. I thought he’d let me go when we got there… Couldn’t have been more wrong. The treatment down there was much worse than here. To be honest I was lucky to be such an important asset to the States, they overthrew Jacobo just to get me back!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my-! You were the reason the CIA overthrew the Guatemalan government in 1954?
ROSS
(LAUGHS) Yep! You won’t find that in the history books! But, coming back here it was back to probes and cannulas. By now, I’ve really, really had enough. This time, I’m not just leaving the country. This time, I want to go home!
INTERVIEWER
To your planet?
ROSS
Yes, sir.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have your space craft?
ROSS
Nope.
INTERVIEWER
You expect me to build you a spacecraft in the next ten minutes?
ROSS
I kind of expect you to work magic… I need a miracle! And then Scott stumbles upon your number…
INTERVIEWER
That is a miracle. Only one in a million do.
ROSS
Scott and I are at a loss. We don’t know how to pull this off. But we figured if we fake my death, they won’t come looking for me!
INTERVIEWER
But they’d experiment on your corpse! And when they do, they’ll discover it’s fake?
ROSS
My species disintegrates very quickly. If I die, there’ll be nothing left to experiment on.
INTERVIEWER
So we don’t need a replacement corpse, we need…?
(ROSS LIFTS UP AND PLONKS A BUCKET DOWN ON THE TABLE)
ROSS
This. (DISGUSTED INTERVIEWER NOISES) Scott and I have prepared a little “dead alien juice”. It’s a blend of rotting beef stew and Jell-O Salad.
INTERVIEWER
(NAUSEATED) Oh, great! Oh, I’m dizzy. Finding an alien replacement corpse in under ten minutes could have proven a bit tricky, yes.
ROSS
We need your help to find somewhere I can lie low for the next three hundred years until I can phone home and get a ride!
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, did you say three hundred years?
ROSS
Jup. That’s the next time Earth lines up with (WEIRD ALIEN NOISES). Or planet DF-641-Z9, as you call it.
INTERVIEWER
That’s impossible, we can’t keep you hidden for that long.
ROSS
Well, you’ll have to won’t you?
INTERVIEWER
Where is (TRIES TO DO THE ALIEN NOISES AND FAILS)?
ROSS
Oh dear me. Just say DF-641-Z9. It’s in the Sombrero Galaxy.
THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Of course you’d come from the Sombrero Galaxy - you’re an illegal alien!
ROSS
Yeah, yeah, heard it before…
Scott storms in to the glass cage.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, oh no I didn’t mean any-
SCOTT
Enough! Cut it! I’ve had it with you! I contacted you right after the election, but it takes you months to turn up. When you do, you waste time chit chatting and now you’re making fun of your own client! This is a nightmare!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I am sorry it took me so long to get here, but we’re currently going through a change of leadership ourselves.
ROSS
Really? Billy told me you were with this guy, that Tony guy? Blair? Tony Blair?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no, I meant at The Amelia Project
SCOTT
I thought you were the boss?
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, I haven’t been that for a while.
SCOTT
What? So I'm speaking with some junior employee?!
INTERVIEWER
…senior.
SCOTT
Why aren't I speaking to your boss?
INTERVIEWER
Because she's only twenty. She needs some time to learn the ropes. Right now she’s in Vachanda cutting her teeth on one of our royal accounts.
SCOTT
What?
INTERVIEWER
Trust me. You're in good hands with me. I've done this many times before. In fact - I’m the best in the business.
SCOTT
Well, right now you're coming across like a goddamn amateur!
INTERVIEWER
Scott, Scott, Scott, this is a very delicate case and -
SCOTT
You’re fired! Ross, I’m just gonna get you out of here. We’ll work something out.
INTERVIEWER
I might not have a plan yet, but there’s still time -
SCOTT
Just get out of here, before I shoot you!
(SCOTT COCKS HIS GUN.)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I really don’t like firearms…
ROSS
Scott, relax!
SCOTT
On three, I’m gonna blast you to high heavens! One - two -
INTERVIEWER
High heavens… That’s it!
ROSS
What?
INTERVIEWER
Quick, get me a Mars bar!
SCOTT
What?
INTERVIEWER
A Mars bar! I need a Mars bar now!
SCOTT
You mean the chocolate!?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
SCOTT
We have less than ten minutes, and you’re going to spend them eating candy?!
INTERVIEWER
I HAVE A PLAN! MARS BAR!!!
SCOTT
HOW IS A MARS BAR GOING TO HELP US?!
INTERVIEWER
(fast) Listen, will you please shut up? I need to test my plan and we have very little time! I need you to get me one Mars bar, one Milky Way, one sombrero, one flash light, one apple, one orange and a set of walkie talkies! And I need it within the next minute. Can you do that?
SCOTT
I…!
ROSS
Just do it!
SCOTT
Fine
INTERVIEWER
Marvellous!
SCOTT
But if this doesn’t work I will shoot you!
INTERVIEWER
I’ll shoot myself!
(SCOTT RUNS OUT. DOOR SWOOSHES CLOSED)
Very high-strung, isn’t he?
ROSS
He has a very stressful job.
INTERVIEWER Yes, yes… I suppose so…
(PAUSE)
ROSS
So… Are you really the best in the business? I mean… really?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes.
ROSS
Well, I sure do hope so… Nine more minutes and I’ll be so full of needles I’ll look like an anaemic hedgehog.
INTERVIEWER Don’t worry, it won’t come to that.
(STEPS OF RUNNING COMING CLOSER)
Oh, look, Scott’s back.
(DOOR OPENS WITH A SWOOSH. SCOTT RUNS IN)
ROSS Yeah, I- I got you buddy, I got you, here we go.
(OPENING A ZIP-BAG)
So, let’s see what you’ve got - one bar of Hershey's - oh, is there no other chocolate here - one Milky Way, a helmet, good lord, one flashlight, an orange, a toilet brush, ew, and two walkie talkies. A toilet brush isn’t quite an apple, but it’ll have to do. Now Scott, I need you to wear the helmet, take one walkie talkie, the flashlight and the toilet brush and run to… let me see, The Sombrero Galaxy is 9.55 megaparsecs away from the Milky Way in the Virgo constellation and we’re two days off a new moon… the far corner at the left side of the hall! Go!
SCOTT
This is insane…
(Scott runs out. The door closes with a swoosh)
ROSS
What are you doing?
INTERVIEWER
Testing my theory!
ROSS
What theory?
INTERVIEW
If I stand here just to the left of this hanging lamp -
(THE INTERVIEWER MOVES INTO PLACE)
(INTO THE WALKIE TALKIE.) Scott? Turn on your flashlight, please, and start circling the hall at a very quick pace!
SCOTT
(OVER WALKIE TALKIE) Seven minutes left of your face!
INTERVIEWER
Run please, Sir! Run!
(IN THE BACKGROUND, THE FAINT SOUND OF SCOTT RUNNING IN A VERY BIG CIRCLE AROUND THEM. HE GROANS)
(INTO THE WALKIE-TALKIE)
Excellent! And aim your flash light towards us!
ROSS
What is happening?
INTERVIEWER
Scott out there is wearing the helmet, which was supposed to be a sombrero because he is -
ROSS
The Sombrero Galaxy…?
INTERVIEWER
Exactly!
(INTO THE WALKIE TALKIE)
Now, Scott, could you swing the toilet brush over your head as you’re running? Thank you!
(ALONG WITH THE FAINT SOUND OF SCOTT RUNNING, THERE’S THE SWOOSH OF A TOILET BRUSH SWUNG AROUND IN THE AIR)
(TO ROSS)The toilet brush is your planet - ehm… (TRIES TO SAY IT IN ALIEN AGAIN AND FAILS SPECTACULARLY, IT’S JUST COMES OUT AS A GARGLE).
ROSS
Just speak human…
INTERVIEWER
DF-641-Z9. If Scott is over there… and I hold up the orange like this and walk around this lamp at this speed…
(HE MOVES AROUND THE LAMP WITH A BRISK WALK)
Now you see, this orange is the Earth. You’ll notice how this lamp - which is our sun - is blocking any signals going from the orange towards DF-641-Z9.
ROSS
Look! I know this already! I’m stuck here! I’ve known that since 1947! I can’t phone home for another -
INTERVIEWER
…three hundred years. Yes, I know! But no one can stay hiding that long. We normally have to keep our clients hidden for one or two weeks before they resurface, and that’s hard enough!
ROSS
So what do we do then?!
INTERVIEWER
What we’ll do is you’ll grab this bar of Hershey’s and run in a circle around me.
ROSS
I have to run too?!
INTERVIEWER
Chop, chop, come on, clock’s ticking!
ROSS
(TRIES TO PROTEST AND THEN GIVES UP) Fine!
(ROSS STARTS CIRCLING THE INTERVIEWER)
Now how the hell does this help?! Hey, what if I eat the Hershey’s? My guts can’t handle chocolate, this bar’ll end up sprayed all over the walls! Why don’t we try that?! (MAKES FARTING SOUNDS, THEN SCOFFS)
INTERVIEWER
Ross, pay attention. Now, do you remember what the bar of Hershey’s was supposed to be?
ROSS
Sure, a Mars bar!
INTERVIEWER
And as you can see, Mars is in line with the Sombrero Galaxy twice a Mars-year for the next…
(ROSS STOPS SUDDENLY.)
ROSS
Oh my God!! Five years! Give or take!
(THE INTERVIEWER ALSO STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
If we can get you to Mars… you can call home.
ROSS
But how do we get me to Mars?
INTERVIEWER
In two years NASA will be sending two probes to Mars, Spirit and Opportunity. I know a technician at Cape Canaveral who owes me a favour. She used to be Nicolae Ceauşescu’s speech writer. Space techie suits her so much better. Good thing you’re so small, that will make it a lot easier to smuggle you onboard!
ROSS
I am not small! My proportions are perfectly normal for a - !
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Two years is a while… but at least it’s not three hundred years! Oh, I know, we can hide you in Amsterdam! Yes, you can live in a so called “Coffee Shop”. Then you won’t even have to wear a disguise, people will think you’re a hallucination!
ROSS
I guess… that could work…
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ROSS
Yeah! But how are we going to fake my death?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that’s the easy part! I was planning something a lot harder, but you just gave me the perfect solution.
ROSS
Which is?
INTERVIEWER
This!
(THE INTERVIEWER HOLDS UP THE MILKY WAY)
ROSS
The Milky Way? Which was supposed to represent, what…? (SARCASTICALLY) …The Milky Way…?
INTERVIEWER
No, I just asked for that because I was peckish.
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE WRAPPING AND QUICKLY MUNCHES THE BAR OF CHOCOLATE. ROSS MAKES A DISGUSTED SOUND)
(EATING)
Now let’s drop the wrapper here, as if you’ve just eaten it… and lets pour this “dead alien juice” all over the floor…
(THE INTERVIEWER POURS THE SOGGY MESS ALL OVER THE FLOOR)
ROSS
What the…? Why the wrapper?
INTERVIEWER
What if your alien physique isn’t just intolerant to chocolate… But…
ROSS
Holy cow, of course! They’ll think the chocolate made me… explode!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly. Well, they don’t know any better, do they?
ROSS
Okay, so… How do we get me out of here?
INTERVIEWER
Through the nursery.
ROSS
What?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll pretend Jessica got tonsillitis and Scott needs to take her home. He’ll stuff her rucksack so full of cuddly toys it spills over. You hide between the toys, pretending to be a cuddly alien replica.
ROSS
Oh, nonono, I’m not gonna pretend to be a doll!
INTERVIEWER
This is no time to be vain. You’re small and green, you look like a toy, just face it.
ROSS
I’m two foot four!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly! You’re fun sized!
(SCOTT GRUNTS.)
Hiding in Jessica’s backpack is the quickest and safest way of getting you out. Jessica’s toys are the only thing leaving Area 51 that don’t get triple checked and torn open. Apparently the guards can’t stand Jessica crying, so if they think she’s in pain, they’ll let her out of here faster than you can say “Kessel Run”. They might prod you a bit on your way out, but it should be nothing compared to what you’re used to, let’s face it. You just have to stay still and not breathe.
ROSS
No worries. My species aren’t ticklish. My God, this is crazy…
INTERVIEWER
Trust me. I’ve pulled off crazier. When the monarch of Sikkim wanted to make the whole country vanish before India could be-
ROSS
Waitwaitwait, how are you going to get out of here?
INTERVIEWER
I brought a black suit and some sunglasses. Yes, I’ll blend in with the president’s security team as they leave the building.
ROSS
You know, if this harebrained scheme actually works, I’ll be eternally grateful.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that’s right, yes, we haven’t discussed payment, have we?
ROSS
How about we combine payment and celebration? I’ve got some peyote in my back pocket. Would be happy to share it with you. It helps me relax, it’ll make it easier for me to pretend I’m a… hrm, doll.
INTERVIEWER
Thanks for the offer but I had my fill in the seventies. I think I'll pass. I’m more of a Veuve Clicquot kind of guy now. But how about we make this disappearance the house?
ROSS
Why would you do that?
INTERVIEWER
Listen, I get to tick both “visiting Area 51” and “rescuing an alien” off my bucket list. That is payment enough.
ROSS
I feel bad. You’re saving my life.
INTERVIEWER
Well, how about you owe me one? If I ever come to (AN ATTEMPT AT WEIRD ALIEN NOISES) -
ROSS
No, no, don’t- Just don’t… please…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
…your planet, and I need a favour -
ROSS
I’m there for you!
(SCOTT RUNS PAST THEM PANTING LOUDLY)
(CHUCKLING) Ehm… the whole Mars bar and running in a circle thing - did you really need to see all that played out to know if it would work?
INTERVIEWER
Not at all. Your friend Scott was just being a pain in the arse.
ROSS
(LAUGHS) I thought as much. Scott - Scott, buddy - you can, you can stop running now! We got it!
(SCOTT COMES RUNNING BACK TO THEM, THEN STOPS, EXHAUSTED)
SCOTT
(PANTING) Fuck… (PANTING) you… (PANTING) Now… I’m gonna shoot you…(PANTING) in the face…
INTERVIEWER
Nah, just calm down soldier boy. It’s all sorted.
ROSS
It’s good.
SCOTT
(PANTING) It is?
ROSS
Yeah. It’s insane enough to maybe actually work!
SCOTT
(PANTING) What do we do?
ROSS
No time to explain, just follow my lead. Junior and his entourage will be here in less than two minutes, so you and I need to run! We’re heading to the nursery -
SCOTT
(PANTING) Run? RUN?! Oh for fucks -
(SCOTT COLLAPSES)
ROSS
(RUNNING) Come on!!!
SCOTT
(HEAVING HIMSELF UP) I’m coming…
INTERVIEWER
Toodle-oo, Ross. Safe journey home.
ROSS
(FROM THE DISTANCE) You too. See you on (WEIRD ALIEN NOISE).
CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written by Oystein Brager, directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne.
It was designed by Adam Raymonda with music by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Graham Rowat as Scott, Federico Trujillo as Ross, and coming up Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
The Amelia Project would not be possible without listeners who support us via Patreon, so we’d like to say a huge thank you to all our patrons, whether you’re supporting us with 2 dollars per episode, 20 dollars or more, we are so so grateful.
A shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Heat 312, Sigrid, Rodney Daliege, Ella Silva, Kevin Rowland, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner and Meagan Mighty.
For info about the cast and crew, transcripts and info on how to support us and to access bonus content, visit amelilapodcast.com
If you become a patron from the 5 dollar tier upwards, you can listen to The Alvina Archives, a mini series that follows Alvina’s arrival at the company. Becoming a patron gives you immediate access to the first ten episodes of this mini series and there will be a brand new Alvina Archives episode coming very soon.
That’s ameliapodcast.com, and you can also find us on twitter, Tumblr and Instagram.
And now the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
(A CAR BOBBING ALONG A DIRT TRACK. IT STOPS)
KOZLOWSKI
Ah… We have arrived.
JACKIE
Where the fuck?
(MIA AND JACKIE UNFASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS AND STEP OUTSIDE THE CAR. AN OWL HOOTS)
MIA
I can’t see a thing. You got a flashlight Jackie?
KOZLOWSKI
We have the light of the stars.
(KOZLOWSKI GETS OUT OF THE CAR)
Listen.
MIA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Can you hear that?
MIA
The sea!
KOZLOWSKI
At night, when the sky is full of stars and the sea is still you get the wonderful sensation that you are floating in space.
MIA
Very poetic.
KOZLOWSKI
That’s Natalie Wood.
BEAT.
MIA
Remind me why we trekked all the way out here again?
KOZLOWSKI
When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused.
MIA
Please don’t tell me we came here just because you like the sound of waves!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no. I was still quoting.
MIA
Hm. Natalie Wood?
KOZLOWSKI
Rainer Maria Rilke
MIA (DETERMINED)
Okay. We’re here because you wanted to tell us a story.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. And a story is best told at the source.
(JACKIE TAKES A FEW STEPS. THE GROUND SQUELCHES BENEATH HER)
JACKIE (SCEPTICALLY)
Aha? And this muddy field has got something to do with The Amelia Project?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. This is where it began.
MIA
Where what began? This is the site of your first case? Your first office?
KOZLOWSKI
Both.
(KOZLOWSKI TAKES A FEW STEPS, THEN STOPS)
This is where we used to make beds of bracken, lie on our backs and gaze up at the stars.
JACKIE
We?
KOZLOWSKI
Look. That’s pisces.
MIA
I knew that!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! I have a fellow enthusiast?
MIA
Hm! When I was a girl I had this book with all the constellations marked with glow in the dark stars. I used to hold my torch to the pages, switched off the lights, crawled under my covers and gazed at the little fluorescent dots for hours.
BEAT.
There. Just below Pisces. Isn’t that Mars?
KOZLOWSKI
It is. I’m impressed.
MIA
Amazing what you can see without light pollution.
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. Some nights I have even spotted (WEIRD NOISE) here.
MIA
(TRIES TO IMITATE WEIRD NOISE)?
KOZLOWSKI
I doubt that one was in your book.
JACKIE
Guys, we didn’t come here to star gaze.
KOZLOWSKI
You’re right. We need wood.
JACKIE
Wood?
KOZLOWSKI
To build a fire.
MIA
Um…?
KOZLOWSKI
The nights here get chilly. And stories are best told around a fire.
JACKIE
Right.
MIA
We’re spending the night here?
KOZLOWSKI
You want to hear my stories, do you not?
JACKIE
Yes, yes. Of course.
KOZLOWSKI
Then let us build a fire and begin.
END OF EPISODE.