EPISODE 58 - AMELIA
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Sigrid whose demise via backfiring harpoon will be followed by a new life in Svendborg as a successful ice sculpture designer. Thanks for your Patreon support Sigrid.
PROLOGUE - A FIELD IN SCOTLAND
(A CRACKLING FIRE)
MIA
(CLUMSILY SITTING DOWN) If I sit on this almost flat rock - and lean against this almost smooth branch - sitting in this bog is almost comfortable.
JACKIE
Right. We're here. The fire's going, we've got blankets, we've found some - ugh, relatively - dry spots. It's time you started.
MIA
Yeah. Can we start with how Amelia is organised? I want to know who your boss is.
KOZLOWSKI
I promised to tell you about our origins.
MIA
Well yes, so-
KOZLOWSKI
That is not the story about who our boss is today.
JACKIE
Fine, so you're telling us two stories then. Start with the boss. Then work your way backwards.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you sure?
JACKIE
Uhm, yes...!
KOZLOWSKI
Working my way backwards will take some time.
JACKIE
We've got all night.
KOZLOWSKI
We might need... 1001 nights.
MIA
(CHUCKLES) Grandad read that to me!
JACKIE
What?
MIA
The Book of 1001 Nights....
JACKIE
Oh... yeah... Didn't that woman always refuse to tell the ending until the next evening, dragging it out for 1001 nights?
KOZLOWSKI
Scheherazade. Her name was Scheherazade. She did.
MIA
You are not gonna do that. We'll go till morning if we have to.
JACKIE
Yup.
KOZLOWSKI
Very well.
MIA
So, who’s "upstairs"? On the tapes, the cocoa guy and the stressed secretary keep referring to "upstairs". They never mention a name.
KOZLOWSKI
"Upstairs" is Amelia.
JACKIE
The one the company is named after?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
JACKIE
Who then?
KOZLOWSKI
Her granddaughter.
JACKIE
Go on...
KOZLOWSKI
The story of the younger Amelia really begins on the day her grandmother was put in the ground...
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager. With sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 58 - Amelia, 1999.
THE AMELIA OFFICE - AT THE MANOR HOUSE
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS THROUGH A SECRET DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
I brought you some vol-o-vents.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you. I am not hungry.
(THE INTERVIEWER EATS A VOL-O-VENT)
INTERVIEWER
Well. Don’t mind if I do. Beautiful service. Well done. The aerial display was a nice touch.
KOZLOWSKI
Of course. Only the best for Martha Plum.
INTERVIEWER
Martha Plum... may you rest in peace.
KOZLOWSKI
Martha Plum… may you rest in peace.
(PAUSE)
Are the guests still downstairs?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. People love a good wake. You get to pretend to be sympathetic whilst eating free food.
KOZLOWSKI
Naah. I am sure some of our guests really cared for Martha.
INTERVIEWER
Well… I know one who did.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, her granddaughter.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Her.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Is she still around?
INTERVIEWER
She is. Doing the rounds. Nodding politely as business associates of Miss Plum's Plumbing offer shallow condolences. I doubt she's even met any of them before.
KOZLOWSKI
How is she holding up?
INTERVIEWER
Quite well actually. Yes, I certainly did not have social skills like that when I was nineteen.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Posh schools will do that for you.
INTERVIEWER
Well, if anyone can rival the English when it comes to formality, it's the Japanese. (SIGHS)
BEAT.
I'm curious...
KOZLOWSKI
About what?
INTERVIEWER
Well… If she's more like her mother -
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) Yes, all right…
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
We do not talk about her!
INTERVIEWER
- or more like her grandmother?
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
We will soon find out.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed…
KOZLOWSKI
Shall we bring her up?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nono. Let's- let’s give it another minute, shall we.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you nervous?
INTERVIEWER
(NERVOUSLY) What? Nervous?! No, of course not! She's a child! What is there to be nervous ab- You?
KOZLOWSKI
(EQUALLY NERVOUS) Me?! No! (LAUGHS) Certainly not!
INTERVIEWER
No, of course not.
(PAUSE)
(CLEARS THROAT) Don't you find it strange we never got to know her?
KOZLOWSKI
Martha wanted her at a safe distance.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but sending her all the way to Japan?
KOZLOWSKI
She had to be allowed to explore that part of her heritage.
INTERVIEWER
I suppose… Do you know if they've taught her Kendo? I've always wanted to learn Kendo.
KOZLOWSKI
I know Martha insisted on piloting as her elective.
INTERVIEWER
Eh- You mean she flew here herself?
KOZLOWSKI
No. I am told she failed her piloting exam.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Oh… Oh dear…
KOZLOWSKI
Martha was very concerned her granddaughter should learn to fly and she was very specific about the circumstances.
INTERVIEWER
Such as?
KOZLOWSKI
She must learn to fly all types of plane.
INTERVIEWER
Hah, typical.
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
She must have a female flying instructor. Martha really wanted her to succeed.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Yes, it's a good thing she never found out her granddaughter failed then, isn’t it?
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. It might have killed her.
(BOTH LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER
Bad taste old boy, bad taste…
(PAUSE)
Do you know if young Amelia has read the letter?
KOZLOWSKI
I gave it to her right before the wake.
INTERVIEWER
Good, yes, right. And the second letter?
(KOZLOWSKI PATS HIS BREAST POCKET)
KOZLOWSKI
I got it right here.
INTERVIEWER
What do you think it says?
KOZLOWSKI
Your guess is as good as mine.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, it's probably her will, right. She's left Electra to her or something.
KOZLOWSKI
If she only left her a plane, why insist we open it together? She could have written that in the first letter!
INTERVIEWER
I suppose...
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Should we bring her up then?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, alright, yes I'll go get her -
(THE INTERVIEWER IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SECRET DOOR OPENING AND YOUNG AMELIA ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Amelia!
AMELIA
So this is where you're hiding.
(THE SECRET DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HER)
INTERVIEWER
Uh- How did you… I was just about to come get you.
KOZLOWSKI
We are so sorry for your loss.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes. Would you... like some cocoa?
AMELIA
I'm good. There was plenty of food and drink downstairs.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you won’t be disappointed, I mean, it’s soothing, I'll get us some cups - it's soothing - the circumstances -
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS GETTING CUPS)
AMELIA
I'm good.
(THE INTERVIEWER STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
Very well.
KOZLOWSKI
You found us.
AMELIA
Not that hard.
KOZLOWSKI
There is no door.
AMELIA
No. A bookshelf. Which is also a secret door. Kind of obvious.
KOZLOWSKI
But how did you know which book to pull?
AMELIA
Well, the title was a dead give away. "Last Flight" by Amelia Earhart? Nice little double meaning, considering what you do.
KOZLOWSKI
Which is?
AMELIA
Well, you don't "Put the plum in plumbing", that's for sure.
INTERVIEWER
Oi! I came up with that. I thought it was a very catchy slogan.
AMELIA
Sure. But you're not running a plumbing empire out of an eighteenth century manor house, now are you?
INTERVIEWER
Only the best bloody plumbing company this side of the River Trent! We have customers all the way from Scampton to Hibaldstow!
AMELIA
Really? You, in that three piece suit, and big friendly giant over there in a Redwood-sized tuxedo? You're supposed to be the Mario Brothers?
KOZLOWSKI
We have just attended a funeral. Today we are wearing formal attire.
AMELIA
You're not plumbers.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm… The slim, modern leg pipe is a miniature roman aqueduct. Our plumbing services provide the life bringing properties of clean water to all of the-
AMELIA
You kill people.
INTERVIEWER
We do no such thing!
AMELIA
Correction: You pretend to kill people. And the fact that pretending can be a profession boggles my mind.
KOZLOWSKI
Young Amelia… 235 million dollars.
AMELIA
What? Are you going to claim that's your annual turnover?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course not. It is what "American Pie" made when it opened in theatres this summer. I think you will find that pretending is good business indeed.
AMELIA
Ugh… You know what I mean. You're not exactly in the entertainment industry.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, so, you've got it all figured out have you?
AMELIA
I think so. Grandma's letter gave me the last pieces of the puzzle. Faking deaths. Fuck me, that's sick.
INTERVIEWER
Actually, we see it as an honourable profession. Martha dedicated most of her life to it -
AMELIA (INTERRUPTING)
Oh, cut the Martha bullshit! Please!
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
AMELIA
I know that wasn't her name.
INTERVIEWER
She told you in the letter?
AMELIA
I kind of knew already.
INTERVIEWER
How?
AMELIA
Where to start... How about with my name?
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) What about it?
AMELIA
Grandma told me she named me after Amelia Earhart - "her friend" - a woman she apparently had met once in the early thirties!
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
AMELIA
You're not friends if you've met once!
INTERVIEWER
Well, as an amateur aviator, your grandmother felt a special kinship with Amelia Earhart. I mean, look here's a picture of the two of them. The friendship really shines through, don’t you think?
AMELIA
Oh yeah - the picture of Amelia Earhart and grandma. I've had it hanging over my bed since I was a kid.
INTERVIEWER
There, you see - well there you go!
AMELIA
You know what always puzzled me? Why Amelia Earhart looked more like grandma than the lady she's standing next to. I had kind of settled with the explanation that "age will change your looks", but... at the back of my mind... Then add the fact that whenever grandma came to visit, she would fly to Japan - fly solo even!
INTERVIEWER
Like I said, Amelia Earhart was such an inspiration to Martha, she took her flying very seriously and if there was one person-
AMELIA
Please, cut the bullshit! My grandma was Amelia Earhart. I know.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. You know who you are.
AMELIA
Hah! No!
KOZLOWSKI
But you just said…
AMELIA
I now know who my grandma was. Who I am? No clue.
KOZLOWSKI
You are only nineteen. In time, you will figure it out.
AMELIA
How about: "A loser who fails her piloting exam".
KOZLOWSKI
What’s up with that? What happened with your exam?
AMELIA
I don't want to talk about it.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Right, well. In that case, should we move on to why we're here?
AMELIA
And what's that? All I know is that grandma's letter said to find the two of you after her funeral.
INTERVIEWER
The letter you got - it was only the first of two.
KOZLOWSKI
I have the second one here.
(HE GETS IT OUT OF HIS BREAST POCKET)
AMELIA
OK. What does it say?
KOZLOWSKI
We don't know.
AMELIA
Right... I'm getting very tired of your mystery crap.
INTERVIEWER
No mystery - It's true. This letter is for the three of us. And Martha - Amelia - your grandmother - told us we had to open it together.
AMELIA
Let's open it then.
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski - will you do the honours?
(KOZLOWSKI OPENS THE LETTER. A LONG, SLOW TEAR... KOZLOWSKI TAKES THE LETTER OUT OF THE ENVELOPE)
AMELIA
Come on! Read it out!
INTERVIEWER
(NERVOUS) Yes, what does it say?
KOZLOWSKI
"Dear Arthur, dear Kozlowski - or dear Abbot and Costello
INTERVIEWER
(GRUMBLES)
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
as I will always remember you in my heart - and my dearest, dearest, dearest Amelia.
I suppose by now you have figured everything out. You are my granddaughter, after all. Though, if you haven't - I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. I've always known you to be two steps ahead."
AMELIA
No worries, grandma. I'm ahead of the curve.
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
"This letter is my last will and testament. Though there's only really one thing I'm concerned with, one thing I need to ensure the safety of, and make sure I leave to the right person."
INTERVIEWER
I knew it! I told you it was the aeroplane!
AMELIA
I'm getting her plane?
INTERVIEWER
Not the new one, no, but - Electra!
AMELIA
The one she flew around the world in? What am I gonna do with that? I can't even fly, I just failed my exam!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
"If you are guessing at this point, then no - I am not talking about my planes - "
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
Amelia
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
"- or even the Plum Manor House. Although I did love the grounds, with the rose garden and the two landing strips.
No, my concern is the running of the business."
INTERVIEWER
What...?
AMELIA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
"As you already know, my dear 'Abbott and Costello',
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS AGAIN AT THE NICKNAME)
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T READING)
the two of you are by no means capable of running this business by yourself."
AMELIA
What’s this Abbott and Costello thing?
INTERVIEWER
(EMBARRASSED)
Nothing- nothing, they’re just nicknames, it’s not important.
KOZLOWSKI
"Need I mention the roaring twenties?"
INTERVIEWER
(INCREASINGLY MORE EMBARRASSED) No, she need not mention the roaring twenties- look- just skip that part, would you? Forget about it- didn’t happen!
AMELIA
Tell me about the twenties!
INTERVIEWER
(FIRMLY) No.
KOZLOWSKI
We would! If we remembered…
AMELIA
Wait, did you say the twenties?
KOZLOWSKI
Ehhhh. Should I keep reading?
INTERVIEWER
I think that would be a very good idea.
KOZLOWSKI
"I have dedicated the latter part of my life to this 'project', and I am as proud of that as I am of any of my more famous achievements from my previous life. Therefore, I have decided The Amelia Project needs to be left in capable hands. The company has to be brought into the twenty-first century, like I brought it into the twentieth. We need someone with vision and control. Someone who can pull back the yoke and take off. And we need someone who can handle... the two of you."
INTERVIEWER
Hah! Well, good luck finding that person! (LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
"I nominate my granddaughter Amelia."
Amelia
What!?
INTERVIEWER
What!?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
"- on the one condition that the two of you find her worthy. If so, she will take over after me."
INTERVIEWER
No.
AMELIA
Well that's a crap idea!
INTERVIEWER
It is. Martha wants this - toddler - to be our superior!?
AMELIA
Don't worry, I am not taking over your - frankly bizarre business!
INTERVIEWER
Ah. good.
KOZLOWSKI
It is not so bizarre if you think about it -
AMELIA
Leaving an international crime syndicate in the hands of a child is the definition of bizarre! If you look up 'bizarre' in the dictionary, you're gonna find a picture of my 102 year old grandma grinning, two thumbs up!
KOZLOWSKI
We are not a crime syndicate, Amelia!
AMELIA
Stop splitting hairs!
KOZLOWSKI
This is what your grandmother wanted.
AMELIA
Yeah, yeah, sure - if you find me worthy!
KOZLOWSKI
Why would we not?
INTERVIEWER
Why would we!?
AMELIA
Yeah, why would you!?
KOZLOWSKI
Your grandmother did.
AMELIA
Well, she must have lost her marbles, then!
KOZLOWSKI
Your grandmother was sharp as a scalpel right to the very end.
AMELIA
I think that theory was just disproved, wasn't it?
INTERVIEWER
Wait a minute, Kozlowski… Are you in favour of this!?
KOZLOWSKI
I am not. But it was Martha's last wish! I think we must respect her wishes! In death as in life! My position has not changed on that, Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) Right… right…
AMELIA
Listen! I'm nineteen. I have zero life experience. All I've ever done is attend a secluded Japanese academy, where I learned three ancient languages I'll never use, and where I failed to learn to fly. I- I have never loved anyone, at least not successfully - and I don't even like the idea of what you guys do!
I'm gonna go back downstairs. Okay? I'm gonna go back to the wake, keep greeting random strangers I will never meet again, and listen to them pretend to be sad, as they talk about how much Martha Plum meant to them. And I will forget that Martha Plum was not my grandmother's real name.
Whenever I look at the old picture above my bed, I will say, there is my grandmother, and next to her is Amelia Earhart, her friend, that I'm named after.
I will let "Miss Plum's Plumbing" well alone, and never think about this house, or the two of you, ever again.
And I'm leaving this crazy testament right here, together with the letter you gave me earlier -
She takes the other letter out of her pocket and places it on the desk. A necklace falls out of her pocket to the ground.
- for you to burn both and never mention. OK?
KOZLOWSKI
What is that?
(THE INTERVIEWER PICKS UP THE NECKLACE)
INTERVIEWER
It's Martha's necklace.
AMELIA
She left it to me. It was in the first envelope. I'll... I'll keep that.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm, yes of course.
(SHE TAKES THE NECKLACE FROM THE INTERVIEWER AND PUTS IT BACK IN HER POCKET)
AMELIA
But you'll burn the letters.
INTERVIEWER
I think that is probably for the best.
Beat.
Kozlowski?
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) You are right. It is for the best. Martha must have been... losing her marbles. Leaving the company in the hands of a teenager is... bizarre.
AMELIA
Ugh. Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Well then… I guess we're all agreed then. We'll ignore this letter.
AMELIA
Yeah.
KOZLOWSKI
We will ignore Martha's last wish...
INTERVIEWER
We will ignore Martha’s last wish.
(KOZLOWSKI SIGHS DEEPLY)
I suppose this is goodbye then. Once again, Amelia, we are so sorry for your loss -
KOZLOWSKI
Before you go, I have one question.
AMELIA
Yeah?
KOZLOWSKI
What did you mean when you said you had "never loved - at least not successfully"? What is "loving successfully"?
AMELIA
(A WRY CHUCKLE) Loving successfully? Uh, yeah. That would be loving without losing your concentration, like a silly child. Loving someone who could love you back. It would be not mistaking admiration for infatuation. It would be acing your flying exam, to prove you're good enough. Not getting heart palpitations and nearly crashing into Mount Fuji-san. It would be not falling in love with your flying instructor, and then embarrassing yourself so badly, you can never look her in the eye again.
KOZLOWSKI
I see.
AMELIA (CON’T)
All I could think about was her eyes. How her eyelashes are so short, no matter how much mascara she uses, they'll never be visible. How when she smiles, she gets these tiny wrinkles at the corner of her eyes - but her mouth hardly moves! How, when she's disappointed in me, her eyebrows drop so far down she nearly can't see. But when she's proud of something I've done, her eyes widen to the size of two... koi ponds!
BEAT.
I should have thought about the altitude metre.
KOZLOWSKI
Child! I have not loved that intensely for so long, I can hardly remember what it is like! If loving so hard that nothing else has any meaning is not "loving successfully", then there is no such thing as "loving successfully"!
BEAT.
AMELIA
She is so much older than me though.
INTERVIEWER
How much older ?
AMELIA
She's thirty.
INTERVIEWER
Hah! Good Lord. (LAUGHING) I once dated a woman who was three hundred years younger than me!
AMELIA
Pervert!
(KOZLOWSKI ALSO LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
She was seventy-two, that's well over the age of consent! Wait... You're not questioning the "three hundred years" bit?
AMELIA
I thought you were joking... You were joking, right?
INTERVIEWER
I might have been... exaggerating a little.
AMELIA
Right...
KOZLOWSKI
I seem to remember she was seventy-one. And you were two-hundred-and-eighty-two.
INTERVIEWER
Well there is no need to get pedantic!
AMELIA
(A SMALL CHUCKLE)Ah, listen. I appreciate you trying to make me laugh. But we're at a wake. Just let me go downstairs and cry, OK?
INTERVIEWER
Go on then. You go ahead. This meeting never happened.
(AMELIA GOES TO LEAVE. SHE OPENS A DOOR - THE WRONG ONE - AND A SKELETON FALLS OUT. AND A DOZEN CRATES OF TNT)
AMELIA
What the hell is that!?
INTERVIEWER
Right. That would be... the wrong door. That's the cupboard.
AMELIA
And this is...!?
INTERVIEWER
A skeleton.
AMELIA
And those crates!?
INTERVIEWER
That would be… the TNT.
AMELIA
Why do you store a skeleton and TNT in a cupboard in your office!?
INTERVIEWER
Well, normally I suppose Martha would have told me to put it somewhere else, but since she's not been around my routines have... slipped.
AMELIA
OK, listen: Before I go, I'm gonna give you some free advice, alright?
(SHE WALKS BACK TOWARDS THEM)
INTERVIEWER
Alright…
AMELIA
First of all: Don't store explosives in your office!
I'm still a bit unsure if that thing about you being three hundred years old was a joke or not, but even with the ability to sustain a stupidly long life span, accidentally blowing up ten crates of TNT is going to kill you!
Secondly: Your secret door? It's about as secret as... as the millennium fireworks are gonna be! The carpet has a big, flat semi-circle where the door opens!
INTERVIEWER
It does?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh…
AMELIA
Third: Is this your only location?
INTERVIEWER
Uh... yes?
AMELIA
Why?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean "why"?
AMELIA
Do you want the authorities to find you?
KOZLOWSKI
We have immunity.
AMELIA
Immunity?
KOZLOWSKI
The British government granted us immunity in exchange for our help during the Second World War.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, the- the immunity period is over.
KOZLOWSKI
Is it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, sadly. It only lasted fifty years. It ended in 1992.
KOZLOWSKI
What year is it now?
(THE INTERVIEWER THINKS)
AMELIA
1999.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) Precisely.
KOZLOWSKI
Really? It is the end of the millennium! We need to throw a party!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Good lord you’re right! The last time was such a drag, I mean all they did was build cathedrals!
(KOZLOWSKI INTERJECTS, AMELIA INTERRUPTS BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME FULLY DISTRACTED)
AMELIA
Can you stay focused?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you're not done?
AMELIA
You have to find new locations. Spread the business out. If you're ever found, they'll only take one office, not all of them. If you only have one, you're screwed.
INTERVIEWER
I suppose that’s actually not a bad-
AMELIA
How many clients do you have?
INTERVIEWER
Per year? Well that’s about.
AMELIA
Per day.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm...
(DOING THE MATHS)
I suppose somewhere between zero-point-one and zero-point-zero-five...
AMELIA
You need to increase your customer base. How do these clients find you?
KOZLOWSKI
(PROUDLY) Personal referral of course!
INTERVIEWER
Referral, mainly, yes.
AMELIA
That's no good. You need to advertise.
KOZLOWSKI
You cannot advertise what we do!
AMELIA
Give me two hours and a computer and I'll prove you wrong.
INTERVIEWER
What? You want to advertise on the interweb!?
AMELIA
It's the internet. And no. I'm gonna order you some stickers.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, good, stickers?
AMELIA
Stickers with a code. Which will make sense to those who need it, and be meaningless to those who don't. It should point to a phone number... You have a phone, right?
INTERVIEWER
(EYE-ROLLING) Yes, we have a phone.
BEAT.
(TO KOZLOWSKI) Do we have a phone?
KOZLOWSKI
I am not sure. I do surgeries, you work in the office.
(THE INTERVIEWER RUMMAGES THROUGH A CUPBOARD)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, right. Yes, uh, I mean I’m sure there's a telephone in here somewhere...
AMELIA
Ugh. You can stop looking. There's one right there on the desk.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, I was going to say, there’s one right on the desk.
(HESITANT)
And uh… When it rings… I should pick it up?
AMELIA
Not if you're in the middle of seeing a client.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, right, yes.
AMELIA (CON’T)
I'm gonna get you an answering machine.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, goody.
AMELIA
I'll show you how it works and record the welcoming message for you.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, good, yes, great!
AMELIA (CON’T)
And once I've done that, I'm out. You'll be on your own. OK?
INTERVIEWER
Okay! Good.
KOZLOWSKI
We will look for someone else to replace your grandmother.
INTERVIEWER
Yes… It will be hard to find someone to fill her shoes. Toodle-doo.
KOZLOWSKI
Look after yourself, Amelia.
AMELIA
See ya - never.
(AMELIA LEAVES. THE SECRET DOOR OPENS, AND CLOSES AGAIN BEHIND HER. PAUSE. WE CAN HEAR KOZLOWSKI AND THE INTERVIEWER BREATHING, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY)
INTERVIEWER
She is really similar to her grandmother, isn't she? If you see past the stroppy teenager thing -
KOZLOWSKI
Like the two wings on a butterfly.
(ANOTHER PAUSE. THEN... THE SECRET DOOR OPENS AGAIN AND AMELIA ENTERS, TENTATIVELY)
KOZLOWSKI
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
Ah? (IN ANTICIPATION) Yes?
AMELIA
Uhm… Fuck.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
AMELIA
I'm doing this aren't I?
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Yes I think you are!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! (CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
I can't start yet though. I have two things I need to do. I need to retake my piloting exam. And then there's a really hot flying instructor I need to confront.
INTERVIEWER
We will welcome you both back! If it should go that way - but maybe don't tell her what we do just yet...
AMELIA
Oh, that's not gonna happen. Did I mention that she's married?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! No. No you didn’t.
AMELIA
I'm gonna go out there and ace my piloting exam. Then I will confront my instructor, tell her how I truly feel about her, get heartbroken, and fly into Mount Fuji-san in despair. Sound good?
INTERVIEWER
Chew me like a gumball! Thirty seconds in the company, and you've already planned your first death!
AMELIA
Hm. it runs in the family.
(INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES KOZLOWSKI HUMS IN APPROVAL)
AMELIA
We'll need an ejector seat. And we'll have to work out an escape route back to Britain... and I suppose we need a corpse my size? Doesn't need to resemble me, I guess... It'll burn won't it?
(shudders)
Then I'll need a new passport - actually, make that a couple, why restrict myself to one identity...!
KOZLOWSKI
About your identity...
INTERVIEWER
You'll take over Plum's Plumbing.
AMELIA
No.
INTERVIEWER
No?
AMELIA
There will be no more Plum's Plumbing.
INTERVIEWER
But-
AMELIA
We close the business. Sell the manor.
INTERVIEWER
But-
KOZLOWSKI
Your grandmother was very attached to this house.
AMELIA
Running a plumbing business out of an eighteenth century manor house with two private runways is suspicious as hell.
KOZLOWSKI
Wrong. Your grandmother was a well respected business woman, a pillar of the community. She gave to every local charity. She sponsored the new church roof. The village cricket team practice on our grounds. We host a summer fête every year. (THE INTERVIEWER HUMS) It has always been our strategy to hide in plain sight.
INTERVIEWER
Plain Sight!
AMELIA
Well it's not my style.
INTERVIEWER
But-
AMELIA
You can use the house to throw a millennium party if you wish, but then it goes on the market. We will use the proceeds to buy several discreet properties across Britain. Possibly beyond. And you two start laying low. We focus on secrecy from now on.
INTERVIEWER
I won't be out among people?
AMELIA
Not as much. But I'll make sure you meet a lot more clients.
INTERVIEWER
Well...
KOZLOWSKI
Well…
INTERVIEWER
I suppose... It is a new era.
KOZLOWSKI
I prefer my lab anyway.
INTERVIEWER
Then this is what we should toast to! A new era! Veuve Clicquot?
AMELIA
Veuve Clicquot?
INTERVIEWER
It is my favourite, and your grandmother grew very fond of it. I don't care what you say, but that's one tradition that will always remain.
AMELIA
Okay, let's try grandma's favourite booze then.
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS A BOTTLE AND POURS THREE FLUTES)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, are you...?
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
I mean, are you allowed to... I mean legally...
AMELIA
Ugh! For fuck's sake, I'm nineteen!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Yes, I was pulling your leg.
KOZLOWSKI
(HEARTFELT)
Young Amelia - welcome to The Amelia Project!
INTERVIEWER
To a new era!
KOZLOWSKI
To a new era!
AMELIA
To a new era!
(THEY DRINK)
THEME TUNE AND CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and directed by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne and story consultancy by Maty Parzival.
Sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia Morizawa as Amelia and coming up Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you so much to all of you who support the show via Patreon, without you guys the show couldn’t exist, and a special shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Heat 312, Sigrid, Rodney Daliege, Ella Silva, Kevin Rowland, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner and Meagan Mighty.
If you’re not yet a patron but would like to sign up, it’s quick and easy and there are lost of tiers to choose from, starting at just two dollars. From five dollars you have access to bonus episodes, such as a whole bonus series called The Alvina Archives and the upcoming special episode Alvina’s First Christmas, and from 20 dollars you can get episodes dedicated to you!
Visit ameliapodcast.com for more info and you can also find us on twitter, Tumblr and Instagram.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE: THE CEMETERY IN MONTMARTRE
(AMELIA APPROACHES. CATS MEOWING)
AMELIA
So this is it then? Alvina is finally getting the full run down?
ALVINA
Amelia! How did you find us?
INTERVIEWER
I texted her our location.
ALVINA
(AMUSED) You text now?
INTERVIEWER
I keep up with the times!
AMELIA
with a smile
Only a few decades behind...
ALVINA
Why did you call Amelia here?
AMELIA
Blankets.
(SHE HANDS THEM BLANKETS)
ALVINA
Aw, that's so nice of you!
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. And I thought she should be here to tell her part of the story.
AMELIA
Oh, so that's why you called me here! I knew there was something.
(AMELIA SITS DOWN WITH THEM)
I guess I'll join you for a bit. But once I'm done, I'm heading home. I've got a nice comfy bed, and I already know the rest of the story.
ALVINA
What's your part then?
AMELIA
I guess it starts with Kozlowski handing me the letter.
ALVINA
What letter?
AMELIA
A letter from my grandmother, one she wrote right before she died. I remember opening the envelope, and out falls a necklace - my grandmother's necklace - the one she always wore.
ALVINA
The one you gave to Todd?
AMELIA
(SADLY) Yes. That one.
The funeral was already over, but it was only when I saw the necklace that I realised it was true. Grandma was really gone.
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no, you're telling it all wrong!
AMELIA
Am I?
INTERVIEWER
It starts before that! You're in Japan attending an elite academy -
ALVINA
You went to school in Japan?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
- you've failed your piloting exam and you think your last name is Plum!
ALVINA
Plum?
AMELIA
Fine, fine, I'll start a bit earlier! My story starts the day my grandmother passed away...
END OF EPISODE.