PIP
This episode is dedicated to Heat 312, who will disappear in an orange blaze during a fire breathing act, and will return as a swimming instructor in Milton Keynes.
Enjoy the show!
MONTMARTRE CEMETERY. NIGHT.
INTERVIEWER
Listen Alvina.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Listen!
(THEY LISTEN. SOFT MUSIC FROM THE NEARBY CHAPEL)
ALVINA
Beautiful.
(THEY KEEP LISTENING. THE MUSIC ENDS)
(SILENCE)
(THE OCCASIONAL MEOWING OF CATS)
(A NEW SONG FROM THE CHAPEL. CARRIED OVER BY THE NIGHT BREEZE)
INTERVIEWER
“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”
ALVINA
Who's that?
INTERVIEWER
Aldous Huxley.
(THEY LISTEN IN SILENCE FOR QUITE A WHILE)
What music do you like Alvina?
ALVINA
Oh. You know, bit of everything. Leonard Cohen. David Bowie. Aimee Mann. The Clash.
INTERVIEWER
The Clash?
ALVINA
You sound surprised!
INTERVIEWER
I didn't have you down as a punk is all!
ALVINA
Well, you should have seen me in my teens.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) No way!
ALVINA
Combat boots, studded belt, skull earrings, a denim jacket with "No Future" scrawled on the back.
INTERVIEWER
You dark horse Alvina!
ALVINA
It's hard to be a rebel when you go to school on an island with fewer than a dozen people, but I did my best. When I finally went to the mainland I discovered punk had been dead for like twenty years.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it must have been hard growing up in a tiny island community like that.
ALVINA
Oh, in some ways it was wonderful. Especially as a small kid. But yeah, being a teenager was hard. And when it comes to pop culture we were definitely cut off.
(SHE CHUCKLES)
The baker's son had a cassette tape of the Sex Pistol's "Anarchy in the UK". I made a copy and listened to it under my duvet with my ear pressed against the cassette player so my mum wouldn't hear. It was the most shocking and transgressive thing I'd ever heard.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, that's definitely the way to listen to punk rock. At low volume under a duvet.
ALVINA
Oh shut up.
(THEY LAUGH. PAUSE)
What about you?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, me too.
ALVINA
No I meant what music are you into.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm-
ALVINA
Wait, what did you think I meant?
INTERVIEWER
I thought you were asking me if I was also a punk.
BEAT.
ALVINA
(BAFFLED) And you were?
INTERVIEWER
It seems I have the capacity to surprise too, Alvina.
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
ALVINA
You're kidding!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not.
ALVINA
I... I've never seen you in anything other than a three piece suit!
INTERVIEWER
Time for another story?
ALVINA
Time for another story.
(PUNK VERSION OF THE AMELIA THEME)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 59 - Thuggy Trashmouth, 1979
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE AT PLUM MANOR. SIXTIES MUSIC FROM A RECORD PLAYER.
(THE INTERVIEWER PRESSES A SWITCH. HIS VOICE IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THAN USUAL)
INTERVIEWER
(INTO THE INTERCOM) I'm ready for you. Across the room you can see a bookshelf. Walk towards it. Look for the "Last Flight" by Amelia Earhart. Once you find it, pull it.
(TO HIMSELF) Well, this is going to be interesting… Where did I put that lighter… Ah, there you are…
(THE INTERVIEWER LIGHTS A JOINT AND TAKES A DEEP PULL)
Ah, god that’s good shit…
Ah! Welcome to The Amelia Project. Grab a seat. What's shakin'?
THUGGY
Fuck me with a bargepole.
INTERVIEWER
Nifty contraption isn't it?
THUGGY
No, I mean... Turn off that horseshit!
INTERVIEWER
Eh, oh, alright. Suit yourself.
(THE INTERVIEWER SWITCHES OFF THE MUSIC)
THUGGY
I don't believe this.
INTERVIEWER
What?
THUGGY
I didn't know I was meeting a fucking hippie.
INTERVIEWER
I'm hardly a hippie-
THUGGY
Oh yeah?
INTERVIEWER
I think you need to take a chill pill and-
THUGGY
Your hair's down to your arsehole.
INTERVIEWER
Speaking of hair... I dig your Mohawk!
THUGGY
(GRUNTS)
INTERVIEWER
Personally I would have opted for a slightly paler shade of green, but you know…
THUGGY
I aint taking fashion advice from a geezer with flares and a poncy red velvet jacket.
INTERVIEWER
Well, you should- It's very comfy.
THUGGY
It's 1979. You look like a fucking relic.
INTERVIEWER
And you look...
THUGGY
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Pretty damn terrifying if I'm being honest.
THUGGY
Good.
INTERVIEWER
Doesn't it hurt?
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, this…. There’s metal studs in your tongue?
THUGGY
Yes?
(THE INTERVIEWER HUFFS)
INTERVIEWER
I feel we may have got off on the wrong foot. Why don't I offer you a nice cup of cocoa and a little something to smoke perhaps? Stories are best told in a state of total chill.
THUGGY
Just the drugs.
INTERVIEWER
Right… Uh… Would that be the dope or the cocoa?
THUGGY
What the fuck is wrong with you?
INTERVIEWER
I find the combined effect of THC and theobromine hitting the bloodstream, creates the most exquisite high.
THUGGY
I'll stick with the dope.
INTERVIEWER
Well, suit yourself.
(THE INTERVIEWER PASSES THUGGY A JOINT. HE POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COCOA, SIPS, TOKES AND SIGHS)
Just watch out, it’s very strong.
(PAUSE, THEN THUGGY SPITS SOMETHING ONTO THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Ah, uh, yes, lovely… Ah, so, your name is Thuggy?
THUGGY
Thuggy Trashmouth. (SNIFFS)
INTERVIEWER
They tell me you're a musician, that so?
THUGGY
Yes granddad.
INTERVIEWER
Tell me about your music.
THUGGY
(SNORTS)
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry Thuggy. You're offended I haven't heard of you. Well, don’t be. Because this ‘ageing hippie’I hardly get out of this office. I mean, the last time I attended a concert was seven years ago at Glastonbury Fair. Fairport Convention, Gong, Pink Fairies-
THUGGY
Well, we don't make music for old hippies.
INTERVIEWER
And who is "we"?
THUGGY
The Shit Stains.
INTERVIEWER
The Shit Stains.
THUGGY
(LAUGHS) I love it.
INTERVIEWER
What?
THUGGY
Hearing posh fuckers like you say it.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, do you. Thuggy, do you want me to help you or not?
THUGGY
I don't know. I'm starting to think coming here was a mistake.
INTERVIEWER
You might not want to be so quick to judge. We've hardly got to know each other yet.
THUGGY
Nah. I'm bang on about you.
INTERVIEWER
Oh really? So who am I?
THUGGY
You look like you stepped out of a production of Hair.
INTERVIEWER
(FLATTERED) You really think so?
THUGGY
Not a compliment.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I know, I saw Hair when it opened on Broadway ten years ago.
THUGGY
Of course you did.
INTERVIEWER
It is a good musical.
THUGGY
It's a sellout piece of consumerist shite.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Yes, give it a decade.
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
Until they start making musicals about you.
THUGGY
"Bubblegum Bitch"? "Pissing on the Union Jack"? "I Want to Puke on You"? You can't make a musical out of that!
(WHILE THUGGY SAYS THIS, THE INTERVIEWER PULLS ON HIS JOINT, UNBOTHERED)
INTERVIEWER
Today's underground is tomorrow's mainstream-
THUGGY
Fuck you!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-and I'll be in the front row moshing to "Monday Morning Wank"! (LAUGHS)
THUGGY
No fucking won’t- You don’t know that fucking music- Wait! How do you know about-?
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
THUGGY (CON’T)
I didn't tell you about "Monday Morning Wank"...
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps I know more about you than I let on.
THUGGY
Uh...
INTERVIEWER
Told you not to be so quick to judge… Didn’t I? You see Thuggy, I am a man who has undergone many changes in his life. I reinvent myself constantly.
(HE DRAWS ON HIS JOINT)
God, I just happened to love the sixties. The flowery prints suit me, I dig the stimulants and music and I dislike going to the hairdressers. You know. Besides, I can't keep up with every fad and fashion now, can I? So I just reckoned I'd stick with the flowers and flares until something new grabs my fancy.
BEAT.
I must say - I am tempted.
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
How do you get your hair to stand up like that?
THUGGY
Oh, no no no.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes yes yes. I do have a leather jacket somewhere and I'm sure Kozlowski could help me with the piercings-
THUGGY
Naah, forget it mate, you're too old.
INTERVIEWER
I can do something about that too.
THUGGY
Isn't this supposed to be about me?
INTERVIEWER
You're right, of course, yes. I'll tend to my wardrobe later. So, Thuggy. What brings you to The Amelia Project?
(LIGHTS ANOTHER JOINT)
THUGGY
See these scars?
INTERVIEWER
It's hard to miss them.
THUGGY
Know how I got them?
INTERVIEWER
I assumed it was part of the look.
THUGGY
Got bottled off stage in Camden last night.
INTERVIEWER
(UNSURE) Heh. Uhm, is that... a good thing or...?
THUGGY
What the fuck do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you said you didn't want to be co-opted by the mainstream. So the longer you're bottled off stage the better, no? It doesn't get more legit than that.
THUGGY
No no no, you're missing the point.
INTERVIEWER
And what's that.
THUGGY
The reason they bottled me off stage...
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes?
THUGGY
(SNIFFS) We'd just finished "Monday Morning Wank", you know: "Wakey wakey hands off snakey, got to go to work! For a stupid jerk! In a tie and shirt!
(SINGS) FUCK YOU AND YOUR WAY OF LIFE! I WANK ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE! I WANK ON YOU, YOU PATHETIC MAN! I WANK ON YOUR POODLE AND YOUR PENSION PLAN! WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK-"
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I told you, I'm familiar with the song.
THUGGY
Right. So we end the song, Sid picks up the drum kit and smashes it on Johnny's head, Craig pukes into Jason's mouth, you know, the usual.
INTERVIEWER
Quite.
THUGGY
(THIS IS REALLY PAINFUL FOR THUGGY) Then it's time for me to sing "Ratbag Rage" so Johnny passes me the microphone and I... I... swivel my hips and I wiggle my pelvis...
INTERVIEWER
(SNORTS) You what?
THUGGY (CON’T)
Craig gives me this weird look, but I think I've got it under control. I clench my muscles, grit my teeth and stop my hips from moving. Reigned it in! I think.
Focus Thuggy, focus! I think of Craig's puke trickling out of Jason's mouth and how the rotters in Westminster are screwing over the working class. I'm in the zone. I'm ready.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
THUGGY (CON’T)
I’m ready to launch into "Ratbag Rage."
INTERVIEWER
Right.
THUGGY (CON’T)
I clutch the microphone, open my mouth and out comes "Love Me Tender, Love Me Sweet."
INTERVIEWER
Elvis Presley?
THUGGY (WHILE HE TALKS, THE INTERVIEWER STARTS LAUGHING MORE AND MORE)
(GROANS) So. At "never let me go" the crowd starts booing. At "for my darling I love you" the first bottle hits my head. Then the bottles are coming from all sides. By the time I reach "I'll be yours through all the years" Johnny, Craig and Jason join in.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) With the song?
THUGGY
No! Throwing bottles!
INTERVIEWER
(IN STITCHES) Oh. Thuggy, why on earth did you start singing Elvis?
THUGGY
I didn't!
INTERVIEWER
But you just said you sang "Love Me Tender" to a room full of punks.
THUGGY
That wasn't me!
INTERVIEWER
Then who?
THUGGY
Him!
INTERVIEWER
Who?
THUGGY
Him!
INTERVIEWER
(STILL LAUGHING)Who's him?
THUGGY
The motherfucking King!
INTERVIEWER
The motherfu- Wait what?
THUGGY
It's true!
INTERVIEWER
The actual Elvis Presley?
THUGGY
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm… (TRYING TO REGAIN HIS COMPOSURE)I don't know how to tell you, but...
THUGGY
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you see, I happen to know for a fact that Elvis is dead.
THUGGY
Well - The rotter might be dead, but he's still messing with me.
INTERVIEWER
What?
THUGGY
It started a week ago in the backstage bogs at the King's Anus.
INTERVIEWER
The King's- What?
THUGGY
Yeah, the King’s Anus. It’s a pub on Tavistock Road. We play there every weekend.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Right. So you're in the loo...
THUGGY
I'm in the bogs taking a dump-
INTERVIEWER
Lovely…
THUGGY (CON’T)
-when my foot starts tapping. Next thing I know I'm humming "Blue Suede Shoes." I'm so embarrassed I lock myself into the cubicle and stay there till it's over.
INTERVIEWER
Jeepers Creepers!
THUGGY
The rest of the night I have this violent urge to to shake and twist and strut and it takes all my fucking willpower not to break into "All Shook Up." I get home at three in the morning and it just explodes out of me
INTERVIEWER
"All Shook Up"?
THUGGY
(DEVASTATED) All Shook Up", "Jailhouse Rock", "Devil in Disguise", "Heartbreak Hotel." With all the moves.
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait- so- You're saying... you're... what? Like… Possessed?
THUGGY
Well?! Seems like it.
INTERVIEWER
Well cover me in bling and call me the king! This is a most unusual case!
THUGGY
Can you help me?
INTERVIEWER
Let me get this straight. You want me to make Elvis disappear?
THUGGY
Yes! We play the Hammersmith Odeon tomorrow night! Our biggest gig ever! I have to be rid of him by then!
INTERVIEWER
Hmm.
THUGGY
Can you help me?
INTERVIEWER
First I'll need to speak to him.
THUGGY
No!
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
THUGGY
I'm not letting him take control of me again!
INTERVIEWER
Can you feel him now? His beat in your veins, his bounce in your hips?
THUGGY
He's in one of his more melancholy moods.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
THUGGY
(IN PAIN) I mean I'm trying very hard not to sing "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry."
INTERVIEWER
Let him!
THUGGY
No fucking way!
INTERVIEWER
Oh go on, let him! Come on!
THUGGY
I'm Thuggy Trashmouth of the Shit Stains. I do not sing about the moon and stars and weeping Robins.
INTERVIEWER
Yes alright but it's not you is it. It's him!
THUGGY
With my voice!
INTERVIEWER
Listen Thuggy, if I'm going to help you, I need to talk to him.
THUGGY
No way!
INTERVIEWER
You know what? I'm starting to think you're yanking my chain.
THUGGY
What? Why would I do that?
INTERVIEWER
You're joshing me aren't you?
THUGGY
No! It's true!
INTERVIEWER
It's not.
THUGGY
It is!
INTERVIEWER
It's not!
(THEY TALK OVER OVER EACH OTHER)
THUGGY
It is! It is! It's true!
INTERVIEWER
Nope. No, I don’t believe it.
THUGGY
(STARTS LOSING IT) It's true! It's true! It's true! It's true!
(THUGGY TRANSFORMS INTO ELVIS)
ELVIS
It's true.
INTERVIEWER
Well well well… Elvis. We meet again.
ELVIS
Well isn't this a surprise. How are ya pal?
INTERVIEWER
How am I? How are you, I mean, I’m keeping it real, man, I mean, it’s great to see you.
ELVIS
I gotta be honest, um, feel I owe you an apology.
INTERVIEWER
What, why?
ELVIS
The whole heart attack thing? You pulled it off so beautifully...
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on now, that was the easy part. Getting you out of the country and setting you up as a fisherman on Saipan, I mean, was the tricky bit.
ELVIS
Right right! But you dotted every i and crossed every t and then three hours into my new life I cut myself on a worm hook and bleed to death.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well, I mean, yes, that was quite unfortunate.
ELVIS
After all that trouble you went to I mean, I am sorry about that…
INTERVIEWER
These things happen, you know.
ELVIS
But you know what? I think life as a fisherman wasn't for me.
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes, in retrospect it seems a profession without hooks might have been better suited to you.
ELVIS
No no, I mean, I wasn't ready to quit!
INTERVIEWER
What? Come on, Elvis! You said you couldn't stand the fame! You-
ELVIS
But I've realized that I still need the music! I think my best work is still ahead of me.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, well, you see, that's what I need to talk to you about.
ELVIS
My music? I seem to remember you're more a Beatles kind of guy?
INTERVIEWER
Kinks actually.
ELVIS
(GRUNTS) Kinks, my lord…
INTERVIEWER
In any case, your music isn't any of my potatoes. It's the fact that you're using my client as a vessel
ELVIS
Your client should be thrilled!
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, well, I’m with you, but he isn't. He's angry.
ELVIS
Well. He's always angry. It's kinda his thing.
INTERVIEWER
But now he's really angry. I mean, he’s stressing out, I mean come on, you gotta understand thatn you're undermining his style, right?
ELVIS
What style?
INTERVIEWER
Well... I must admit, his music isn't exactly my cup of cocoa either, but-
ELVIS
It's just noise! I mean, come on! The lyrics are restroom graffiti!
INTERVIEWER
Then why did you choose this chump as your vessel?
ELVIS
He's got so much energy! I love his rebellious spirit! And most importantly, he has a terrific voice!
INTERVIEWER
Does he?
ELVIS
Well, you wouldn't know the way he yells into the microphone would you? But yes, it's real special.
INTERVIEWER
Huh. I'm surprised.
ELVIS
It's so sad that he's screaming himself hoarse like that, and wasting all his energy on smashing up instruments.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah… I think it's intentional. I think-
ELVIS
I'm here to help him harness his energy into dance moves and teach him how to sing. And together, he and I, will create something very special.
INTERVIEWER
You don't think another vessel would be be better suited? There are thousands of musicians out there you could possess.
ELVIS
No! It's his voice I want. It's inspired me to write songs again.
INTERVIEWER
Really? New songs?
ELVIS
Yes. Want to hear one?
INTERVIEWER
Hell yes I want tohear one!
ELVIS
Then let's Rock n' Roll!
(SINGS) Le-le-let me be your lover man, I swear I will be true. Le-le-let me show you that I can, cos I'm in love with you.
Le-le-let me show you a good time, the stars are shining bright. Honey, it would be a crime, to waste such a loverly night.
Le-le-let me be your lover man-
(THUGGY STARTS RESISTING)
I swear I will be true. Le-le-let me show you that I can, cos I'm in love-
THUGGY
Argh! That's enough of that garbage!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, actually, I was rather enjoying it. You should have heard-
THUGGY
You shut your fucking mouth up or I'll skin you alive!
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes. Thuggy, I understand you're upset, but-
THUGGY
What are we going to do?!
INTERVIEWER
Well the easiest thing would be for you to make peace with the situation.
THUGGY
Are you absolutely shitting me?
INTERVIEWER
Most people would kill to channel Elvis! My friend Rodger for example. Now, he's an Elvis impersonator. His physical resemblance really is remarkable, but his voice? I mean, it sounds like glass in a coffee grinder!
THUGGY
Why are you telling me this?
INTERVIEWER
Thuggy, how- how would you fancy a new life as an Elvis impersonator?
THUGGY
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely. Yes, yes! It's a booming industry and you'd be the king of it. The king! Ha ha!
THUGGY
I AM THIS CLOSE TO RIPPING YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT MATE!
INTERVIEWER
Chill Thuggy, chill!
THUGGY
Don't tell me to chill, I-
INTERVIEWER
Thuggy, you're losing control again, Thuggy, you need to focus, Thuggy?
(ELVIS BURSTS THROUGH AGAIN)
ELVIS
(SINGS) ...I swear I will be true. Le-le-let me show you that I can, cos I'm in love with you!
What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
I think It's groovy.
ELVIS
Oh thank you very much
INTERVIEWER
Am I the first person to hear it?
ELVIS
Sure are.
INTERVIEWER
My my. What an honour.
ELVIS
I share it with the world tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. You're going to hijack Thuggy's gig at the Hammersmith Odeon?
ELVIS
Hijack? No. I'm gonna save the poor boy from himself.
INTERVIEWER
Right… How so?
ELVIS
I'm not going to let him get up on that big stage and make a fool of himself.
INTERVIEWER
Well… I- This is an important gig for him Elvis. Don't you think he should get to play his own music?
ELVIS
You call that music?
INTERVIEWER
You must have noticed what happened last time you possessed him on stage? I mean - "Love Me Tender Love Me Sweet"?
ELVIS
The crowd went crazy!
INTERVIEWER
Yeah! Throwing bottles!
ELVIS
They used to throw their panties, now they throw bottles. Kids, right?
INTERVIEWER
I think you're embarrassing him.
ELVIS
What?! You're calling my songs embarrassing?!
INTERVIEWER
What no! No! Oh good lord, of course not, I mean, you’re the king, of course not!
ELVIS
Good. Cos I've got some fine new tunes up my sleeve. "Memphis Sunset." "Tears of Honey." "Got A Lot o’ Lovin’ To Do."
I'm especially fond of that last one. Wanna hear it?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm… Yes. Yes I do.
ELVIS
"Got a lot o' lot o', lovin' to do, toodle doodle doodle, yippie ay yoo! Got a lot o' lot o', lovin to do"-
(THUGGY STRUGGLES BACK THROUGH)
THUGGY
Make this stop, make this stop, for fuck's sake, make this stop!
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry Thuggy, he really likes your voice.
THUGGY
No fucking way! No fucking way-
INTERVIEWER
Thuggy, focus, you're losing control again...
(ELVIS TAKES OVER)
ELVIS
"Got a lot o' lot o', lovin' to do, toodle doodle doodle, yippie ay yoo!
(THUGGY WRESTLES BACK CONTROL)
THUGGY
I'm not going on stage tomorrow singing "Got a lot o' lovin' to do"!
INTERVIEWER
Why not? I think you should actually!
THUGGY
WHAT?!
INTERVIEWER
Great musicians often do the unexpected.
THUGGY
What the fuck do you know about music?!
INTERVIEWER
Hear me out Thuggy. Remember Bob Dylan in 1965? At the Newport Folk Festival?
THUGGY
That's ancient history.
INTERVIEWER
I was there! We were all expecting acoustic guitar and harmonica, but he plugs in an electric guitar, turns up the amps and roars "Like A Rolling Stone!" The crowd went bananas! Pete Seeger ran on stage yelling "Give me an axe and I'll chop the cable right now!" (LAUGHS) I swear, I thought it was the end of Bob's career. And- And look at him now!
THUGGY
You listened to his last record?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Slow Train Coming?
THUGGY
Fucker's become a born again Christian singing about Jesus and redemption and shit!
INTERVIEWER
So? That only proves my point that great artists constantly reinvent themselves. They take their audience by surprise. As will you Thuggy.
THUGGY
No!
INTERVIEWER
They may not appreciate it at first, but give it a few years and they call you a genius.
THUGGY
This isn't a step forward it's a giant fucking leap back. Thuggy Trashmouth doesn't prance around singing about love and tears! My music is the real raw deal. I'm the voice of tower block trash and suburb scum. I am the first person to take a shit on live TV. I've got-
(ELVIS TAKES OVER)
ELVIS
Gotta love the kid's spirit hey?
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS) Look, I'm doing my best to mediate between the two of you, but if neither of you is prepared to budge even a teeny weeny bit-
ELVIS
Ah, he can keep his wardrobe.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ELVIS
He can keep his wardrobe. I was going to get him groomed tomorrow, but to be honest, the spiky look is starting to grow on me.
INTERVIEWER
Me too! I want one too, I just can't decide what colour I want my Mohawk... Orange? Yellow? Or maybe pink?
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Thuggy, you again! Listen. We're making progress.
THUGGY
Oh yeah? How's that?
INTERVIEWER
He's agreed to let you keep your outfit.
THUGGY
What?!
INTERVIEWER
You can keep wearing studs and leather.
THUGGY
(HYSTERIC) I should fucking hope so!
INTERVIEWER
Well, you came this close to turning that Mohawk into a slicked up quiff, swapping the torn t-shirt with a high collar bowling shirt and ditching the Doc Martens in favour of penny loafers.
THUGGY
(A HOWL OF RAGE, PAIN AND FRUSTRATION)
INTERVIEWER
Now, look look look, I know this is difficult, but as long as the two of you are prepared to compromise a little-
THUGGY
Compromise?
INTERVIEWER
I was thinking we could strike a deal for the gig at the Hammersmith Odeon tomorrow. He performs a song, you perform a song. For example he sings "Let me be your Loverman" and in exchange you follow it up with "Pissing on the Union Jack".
THUGGY
I'd rather eat a live rat.
INTERVIEWER
Well look, I'm doing my best in a very unorthodox situation.
THUGGY
Are you? I came here cos word on the street is that you fake deaths.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! We do fake deaths. We're the best in the business!
THUGGY
Then that's what we do!
INTERVIEWER
Fake Elvis' death? Again? Because it didn’t work well the last time?
THUGGY
No!
INTERVIEWER
What? Fake your death?
THUGGY
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Interesting. But how does that help you?
THUGGY
The only way he'll leave me alone is if he thinks I'm dead!
INTERVIEWER
Right. Yes. That could work. I've always wanted to fake a death during a concert. Jason could smash the guitar over your head with lethal force! Oh! Or you could stage dive to death! But then what? You give up? Abandon your career because of Elvis?
THUGGY
No!
INTERVIEWER
I took you for a fighter.
THUGGY
Yeah well no- I wait...
INTERVIEWER
Wait for what?
THUGGY
For Elvis to get bored, move on and find a new vessel. Once he's another geezer's problem, I return from the dead and freak everyone out. It'll be funny!
(THUGGY LAUGHS. THE LAUGH TURNS INTO ELVIS' LAUGH)
ELVIS
Don't waste your time with that silly plan.
INTERVIEWER
What? Elvis? You've been listening?
ELVIS
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ELVIS
He can play dead for as long as he wants... I can wait too! And I'll be waiting for him once he's ready to rock n roll!
(ELVIS LAUGHS AND TURNS INTO THUGGY)
INTERVIEWER
It's not going to work. We can't keep secrets from Elvis. He can hear what you say even when he's not possessing you.
THUGGY
(SCREAMS) Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on! This is no time for singing.
THUGGY
I wasn't.
INTERVIEWER
Listen Thuggy, I have an idea.
THUGGY
You do?
INTERVIEWER
It's very simple really.
THUGGY
Tell me!
INTERVIEWER
You know why Elvis chose you as his vessel, don't you? It’s because of your voice.
THUGGY
I've always hated my voice.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that may be so, but Elvis does have a point. I mean, if you look past the rage and profanity, your voice is actually quite beautiful.
THUGGY
Shut it!
INTERVIEWER
I meant that as complim-
THUGGY
Fuck "beautiful"! Shove it up your arse.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry.
THUGGY
I've tried everything. Smoking eighty cigarettes a day. Screaming for three hours straight. Drinking whiskey for breakfast.
INTERVIEWER
Well, then you have an indestructible voice. Even putting it under severe strain can't get rid of its unique character.
THUGGY
Well I hate it! If I could get rid of it-
INTERVIEWER
That's exactly what we're going to do!
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
We're going to operate. On your vocal chords.
THUGGY
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Really. I mean, without your vocal chords, Elvis won't be interested in you.
THUGGY
Ha! Of course! Shred those motherfuckers!
(WHOOPS AND CHEERS, INTERVIEWER CHIMES IN, THEN STOPS)
Wait... will I be mute? I still have to be able to scream.
INTERVIEWER
It would be a crime to ruin a voice like yours. No. It must be preserved.
THUGGY
But you just said-
INTERVIEWER
No, Kozlowski will perform a transfer.
THUGGY
A transfer?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, a vocal-cord transfer.
THUGGY
I'm swapping my vocal chords with some other gazer?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
THUGGY
Who?!
INTERVIEWER
My friend Rodger.
THUGGY
And who the fuck is that?
INTERVIEWER
I told you. He's the Elvis impersonator.
THUGGY
Oh him. Didn't you say the fucker's got a voice like glass in a coffee grinder?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. He's an atrocious singer. I mean, is that a problem for you?
THUGGY
I FUCKING LOVE IT!
(THUGGY LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
I have a feeling so will Rodger!
(THUGGY WHOOPS AND CHEERS AND LAUGHS AND THEN ELVIS BREAKS THROUGH)
ELVIS
Hang on a minute.
INTERVIEWER
Elvis.
ELVIS
Don't I get a say in this?
INTERVIEWER
What's not to like?
ELVIS
Well for starters, I don't know this Rodger. What's he like?
INTERVIEWER
Like you.
ELVIS
Like me?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, spitting image.
ELVIS
I don't know. It feels weird.
INTERVIEWER
Weird?
ELVIS
Incestuous. Like… Possessing an impersonation? It's messed up man.
INTERVIEWER
Elvis, Elvis, come on! This is perfect.
ELVIS
Oh yeah?
INTERVIEWER
You were right. You're not cut out to be a fisherman. You're Elvis! You're Rock n' Roll! You can't just quit music!
ELVIS
Yeah...
INTERVIEWER
Right? But you've had enough of the limelight. You want a life without reporters and photographers, without screaming fans and security following your every move.
ELVIS
Yeah...
INTERVIEWER
Becoming your own impersonation gives you just that! I mean, you can keep your style and songs and charisma, but without the baggage. You can continue being Elvis Presley, without being Elvis Presley.
ELVIS
I... I suppose...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it's perfect. You can keep doing what you love without destroying yourself.
ELVIS
Yeah… I... I guess you're right!
INTERVIEWER
Right! I am! And I'll come and watch you on the first Friday of every month at the Five Bells pub. They have an Elvis tribute night then. You'll put every other Elvis impersonator out of business!
(THEY LAUGH)
Well, I think this calls for a toast! Veuve Clicquot?
ELVIS
Yes! That's the good stuff!
(THE INTERVIEWER POURS TWO GLASSES)
INTERVIEWER
Here you go... Cheers!
ELVIS
Cheers!
(ELVIS DRINKS AND BECOMES THUGGY. HE SPITS OUT THE CHAMPAGNE)
THUGGY
What is this piss?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no no! The Persian rug… It's Veuve Clicquot.
THUGGY
What?
INTERVIEWER
Veuve Clicquot.
THUGGY
Veuve, veuvie fuck. Don't you have any lager?
INTERVIEWER
No.
THUGGY
Well let's stop wasting time! Get me under the scalpel!
INTERVIEWER
Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast... There's still the matter of payment.
THUGGY
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
Tell you what! You owe me some styling advice.
THUGGY
Um... Ok...
INTERVIEWER
Okay then. Plus ten percent.
THUGGY
Ten percent?
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm.
(LIGHTS ANOTHER JOINT)
THUGGY
Of what?
INTERVIEWER
Profits for the Shit Stains musical.
THUGGY
I told you, that aint going to happen! Ever!
INTERVIEWER
Oh I think it is.
THUGGY
It aint!
INTERVIEWER
I'll take the gamble.
THUGGY
Your loss.
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) Definitely going to happen.
THUGGY
What was that?
INTERVIEWER
I said let's raise a toast to uhm… to great music!
THUGGY
Alright. To music!
INTERVIEWER
To music!
ELVIS
To music!
(ROCK N' ROLL VERSION OF THE CREDITS MUSIC)
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with story editing by Oystein Brager.
Sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Laurence Owen as Thuggy Trashmouth and the spirit of Elvis Presley, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and coming up Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
If you are supporting the show on Patreon, thank you so much! We couldn’t do this without you. If you’d like to become a supporter, we’d be delighted, and you’ll get access to a heap of bonus content, including the new bonus episode Villa Bianca which we released last week. You can get hold of that by supporting us from just $5 on Patreon. Visit our website for more details.
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And now, the epilogue.
Epilogue
(A CRACKLING FIRE FADES IN)
MIA
What happened with Elvis and Rodger? Did they have a good career?
KOZLOWSKI
Once the vocal cords had healed, they went straight on stage. When Rodger - or rather Elvis - started singing, the crowd went wild, throwing underwear and screaming like teenagers. It was like the good old days.
(MIA AND JACKIE SIGH AND CHUCKLE, ENGAGED BY THE STORY)
KOZLOWSKI
But then...
JACKIE
Yes...?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
He performed “Let Me Be Your Loverman”.
JACKIE
The audience didn’t like it? What? From the way you described it, it sounded like a classic Elvis tune.
KOZLOWSKI
That was the problem. It sounded that way - but it was not.
MIA
I don’t understand.
KOZLOWSKI
At "I swear I will be true" the crowd starts booing. At "I'm in love with you" the first bottle hits his head. By the time they reach “the stars are shining bright” the bottles come from all sides.
MIA
What? But why?
KOZLOWSKI
An impersonator never sings an original song. It is the unwritten law of the impersonator. One of the bottles was still corked. It hit Rodger so hard, he died on the spot.
BEAT
That was the last we ever heard from Elvis. But one day, when a boy is born with just the right voice, I am sure the King will be back...