EPISODE 6 - STEVE LAURENCE STROUD
PROLOGUE
BEEP.
ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue there’s no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
STEVE
I screwed up. Big time. And… And there’s gotta be a way out. And you’re going to help me find it. My name is Steve Laurence Stroud and… I’ve been dead for twenty six hours.
BEEP.
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 6: Stephen Laurence Stroud.
THE INTERVIEW
A MOTORBIKE APPROACHES.
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
JOEY
(from behind the door)
Signor Stroud to see you.
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Bring him in!
DOOR OPENS.
INTERVIEWER
Welcome! Grab a chair.
THE DOOR CLOSES.
STEVE
Eh. Thank you.
STEVE SITS DOWN.
INTERVIEWER
Stephen Laurence Stroud. I’ve just been Googling you. You died yesterday, in an explosion at your office. Is that correct?
STEVE
That’s correct.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I’m so excited. We’ve never had a ghost before.
STEVE
Hehe. Ah, well, boo.
INTERVIEWER
Um, do ghosts drink cocoa?
STEVE
Can’t… who the fuck knows… I’ll have one though.
INTERVIEWER
You’re not a ghost?
STEVE
Of course not.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t believe you.
STEVE
You don’t believe I’m not a ghost?
INTERVIEWER
Walk through that wall.
STEVE
Uh… You’re shitting me?
INTERVIEWER
You heard me, I said walk through that wall.
STEVE
Can’t you just weigh me or something?
INTERVIEWER
I don’t have any scales. And this is more fun.
STEVE
You… you really want me to walk through that wall?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
STEVE
Okay. Okay. Alright. Here goes. Walk through that wall. Okay.
FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY A THUD.
STEVE
Ow!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. You’re not a ghost.
STEVE
I’m glad we finally figured that out. Now may I have some cocoa please?
INTERVIEWER
I just didn’t want to waste it on a ghost with no tastebuds. It would be a crime to waste cocoa from Les Deux Magots!
POURING.
INTERVIEWER
Voila monsieur.
SIPPING.
INTERVIEWER
So. You’re a copywriter?
STEVE
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well, here’s a challenge for you. Come up with a tagline that does justice to this cocoa.
STEVE
Huh… okay…
SIP.
STEVE
Comfort in a cup. Eh? Wait, wait, wait.
SIP.
STEVE
A sip of heaven. Huh?
INTERVIEWER
Pathetic. My turn.
SIP.
INTERVIEWER
As pure as the angels and as hot as hell.
SIP.
INTERVIEWER
Ah… As divine as deity and as sweet as sin.
STEVE chuckles.
You’re pretty good. Hey, I’d hire you.
INTERVIEWER
If your office hadn’t just been blown to smithereens.
STEVE
Yeah. That.
INTERVIEWER
Gas leak I hear. Nasty.
STEVE
Fucking defective valve. You’d think there’d be some kind of safety measure against something like that right?
INTERVIEWER
They’re saying nobody got out of that building alive.
STEVE
How could they? Have you - Have you seen the pictures? It’s a pile of rubble.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed. Yet here you are in my office walking into walls and drinking cocoa.
STEVE
You won’t tell anyone right? This is confidential?
INTERVIEWER
Strictly between you, me and the cocoa. I saw your wife on TV.
STEVE
Yes, Donna.
INTERVIEWER
She looked distraught.
STEVE
Well of course she looked distraught.
INTERVIEWER
She has no idea you’re alive and well?
STEVE
And she can’t find out!
INTERVIEWER
Tell me, how the devil did you get out of there alive?
STEVE
That’s easy. I left an hour before the bang.
INTERVIEWER
Really? They’re saying nobody was signed out of the building…
STEVE
I didn’t tell anyone. I used the back exit.
INTERVIEWER
Oh… Oh! I see!
THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS.
INTERVIEWER
Sneaky, sneaky. So sorry! I got the wrong end of the stick! I thought you were here as a client!
STEVE
Uhm, no, I…?
INTERVIEWER
So you fixed your disappearance single-handedly… That’s impressive.
STEVE
What?
INTERVIEWER
Not many people succeed without the help of professionals. Well I have to tell you, talented as you may be, blowing up everyone in a forty yard radius is, well, let’s say, a tad ruthless? Causing collateral is something we tend to avoid at Amelia. Still, we might be able to put it down to first-time exuberance. We’re not really hiring at the moment, but I can have a word with Alvina-
STEVE
Look, I don’t want to work for you!
INTERVIEWER
You don’t? Amelia is the best in the business!
STEVE
I know. That’s why I’m here.
INTERVIEWER
You said-
STEVE
As a client!
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, I’m confused. If you’re a client, what do you want?
STEVE
To disappear.
INTERVIEWER
You already have! The world thinks you’re dead, right?
STEVE
Right.
INTERVIEWER
So you fixed your disappearance.
STEVE
What? No!
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t blow up that building?
STEVE
Jesus fucking Christ of course not!
INTERVIEWER
So you didn’t want to disappear?
STEVE
Fuck no.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you were trying to get away from your wife?
STEVE
No! No way! I want to get back to my wife! Man, this is a nightmare!
INTERVIEWER
Well. An involuntary disappearance. Interesting.
STEVE
I’m glad you find my ordeal “interesting.”
INTERVIEWER
Oh you should! If I wasn’t interested I’d send you packing. That’s what this is about. Assessing if your case is of interest.
STEVE
How am I doing?
INTERVIEWER
Well so far we’ve established you’re not a ghost, minus point, and that somehow you managed to disappear by mistake, plus point. Tell me. If you want to be with your wife, why don’t you just go sneak up behind her, put your hands over her eyes and shout “surprise!”
STEVE
That wouldn’t be a good idea.
INTERVIEWER
Urgh. Explain.
STEVE
The, um, reason I wasn’t in my office was… um… well…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
STEVE
Look, I… I was with another woman.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
STEVE
Claire.
INTERVIEWER
Steve, there’s no reason your wife needs to know that. Lie! Say you popped out to Tesco’s for a packet of Maltesers!
STEVE
I can’t.
INTERVIEWER
You’re in advertising! You lie for a living!
STEVE
That’s the problem. I’ve already lied.
INTERVIEWER
How’s that?
STEVE
Look, look, I’m just getting it on with Claire when my cell phone rings. I look to see who it is: it’s my wife! Talk about bad timing!
INTERVIEWER
So Claire doesn’t know about your wife?
STEVE
Oh, oh, she does, she does. But, it’s not that. It’s just, you know, you don’t want a call from your wife just the second you’re about to get a blowjob…
INTERVIEWER
Right.
STEVE
Mood killer.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
STEVE
But I, I don’t wanna risk Donna calling my office, so I picked up. I told her I was in some super important meeting and just about to start a presentation. And said I’d call her back later. And she wished me luck. Anyway, the moment I manage to… you know, get it going again, my cell phone goes apeshit. A million text messages in three minutes. From everyone I know. “Steve. call me.” “Steve, are you ok?” “Steve?” “Steve???”
INTERVIEWER
How did you react?
STEVE
I… You know, I thought fate really really didn’t want me to get lucky that day. But, when I got news of the explosion I wanted to text Donna right away. But how could I? How could I explain I wasn’t in my office, when I told her I was, half a minute before it fucking implodes? Man, I am screwed!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I’m afraid you have to tell your wife!
STEVE
No!
INTERVIEWER
She’ll see the bright side.
STEVE
What bright side?
INTERVIEWER
You’re alive!
STEVE
Is that a bright side?
INTERVIEWER
It isn’t?
STEVE
I’m alive because I cheated on her!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but she’ll still prefer you alive instead of dead!
STEVE
Is it better to have a good husband who’s dead or a scumbag husband who’s alive? Anyway, look, there’s more. There’s Claire.
INTERVIEWER
What about her?
STEVE
I always told her how I wished I could just snap my fingers and scrub the slate clean and start again. Start a new life. With her.
INTERVIEWER
You were lying?
STEVE
Well of course! I don’t want to be with Claire! Not for the rest of my life, anyway.
INTERVIEWER
But now she expects you to be with her…
STEVE
She hardly even bothered to feign shock about the explosion! She’s thrilled!
INTERVIEWER
What will she do if you leave her?
STEVE
What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
Well, she’s the only person who knows your situation…
STEVE
Exactly! She’ll want revenge! She’ll make my situation public!
INTERVIEWER
And the police will be interested in a guy who sneaks out of his office minutes before an unlikely accident and keeps his survival secret. Hah! It smells fishier than a pickled herring.
STEVE
I’m trapped! Unless… Unless I die!
INTERVIEWER
What, again?
STEVE
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
Twice in a row?
STEVE
Is that a problem?
INTERVIEWER
Well dying twice in the space of twenty six hours seems a bit… you know… improbable?
STEVE
Shit happens.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know her, but I really don’t think Claire is that stupid.
STEVE
You said you were the best in the business.
INTERVIEWER
We are.
STEVE
Then you can swing it.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. You arrived by motorcycle right?
STEVE
Right.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me one moment.
DIALLING.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina! Fine and you? Good. Listen, I need Walter from the morgue to send over a body asap. No. No. No specific requirements. The first one he has available. Scrabble tonight? Ok see you then. Bye.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER
OK. Here’s what’s going to happen. On your way back from here, your bike will have a fuel tank explosion. You’ll be burnt to cinders. Nothing left to identify you. All that remains will be teeth and a diamond ring.
STEVE
A diamond ring?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. With Claire’s name engraved on it.
STEVE
Oh, I get it.
INTERVIEWER
They’ll bring the ring and a bag of ashes to Claire. Killed just as you were about to propose. So tragic. She’ll always remember you as a good guy.
STEVE
Bam! That is perfect!
INTERVIEWER
Well, of course it is, I came up with it. Now let’s talk about your reappearance.
STEVE
Yeah, I want my old life back.
INTERVIEWER
That’s impossible.
STEVE
Impossible? I thought you were better than that…
INTERVIEWER
We can make your new life as similar to your old one as possible.
STEVE
I miss Donna.
INTERVIEWER
We can set you up with someone just like her.
STEVE
What?! No, no. That’s no use! No, no! I want to be with her!
INTERVIEWER
That’s -
STEVE
Don’t say impossible!
INTERVIEWER
I do like a challenge…
STEVE
A challenge! Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Well. We need to turn you into someone she will fall in love with.
STEVE
I’ve seduced her before. I can do it again.
INTERVIEWER
Right. What is she into?
STEVE
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
Her type?
STEVE
Well, she…
INTERVIEWER
Blond, dark, curly, straight, long, short haired, bald, tall, short, slim, hunky, young, old, silver fox, clean-shaven, moustached, black, white, asian, arty, sporty, brainy, geeky, nerdy, tattoos, piercings, circumcision, shy, confident, sensitive, too cool for school?
STEVE
Me of course! I’m her type!
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure?
STEVE
What’s that supposed to mean?
INTERVIEWER
In any case, you can’t come back as you.
STEVE
But I, I like me!
INTERVIEWER
Really?
STEVE
What are you saying?
INTERVIEWER
Stephen Stroud is dead. You need a new identity.
STEVE
Oh, alright then. I want to be me… but better!
INTERVIEWER
Better?
STEVE
Yeah, no… Me, with a… maybe with a French accent, you know, six pack abs, twenty inch biceps, ooh and a sixty inch chest. Eh, and I want to be called Chad.
INTERVIEWER
You’re sure about the French accent?
STEVE
Donna thinks it’s sexy.
INTERVIEWER
Changing your physique won’t be a problem. But what about your personality?
STEVE
What about it?
INTERVIEWER
Don’t you think it could do with a few tweaks?
STEVE
(laughs)
You kidding? My personality is great.
INTERVIEWER
Okay… How can you make yourself truly irresistible to Donna?
STEVE
Apart from having a sixty inch chest and a French accent?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, despite having a French accent.
STEVE
You know… Baroque music.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
STEVE
She loves that shit.
INTERVIEWER
You don’t sound very enthusiastic.
STEVE
Come on! It’s Baroque music!
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Ooh! While you’re exercising on the treadmill, doing pushups and pumping iron, you’ll be listening to Purcell, Scarlatti and Monteverdi. By the time we’re finished with you, you’ll be raving about the descending chromatic line in Dido’s Lament.
STEVE
You think?
INTERVIEWER
I know. Huhuh. By the way, do you want some more cocoa? It’ll be nothing but protein shakes from here on out.
STEVE
No, no, no, no. I want to get started as quickly as possible. How fast can the transformation be done?
INTERVIEWER
How fast were you thinking?
STEVE
Next week.
INTERVIEWER
Next week?
STEVE
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
Ambitious.
STEVE
Possible?
INTERVIEWER
Only if we help things along with surgery and testosterone injections. What’s the rush?
STEVE
Well Friday it’s my funeral.
INTERVIEWER
Okay…
STEVE
Donna will be feeling raw and emotional.
INTERVIEWER
I should think so…
STEVE
See, that would be a good moment for me to make my move.
INTERVIEWER
You want to attend your own funeral?
STEVE
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
Don’t you think the guests will get suspicious?
STEVE
Suspicious of what?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I don’t know, maybe He Man loitering at the back of the church?
STEVE
Look, I’ll say I’m an old school friend.
INTERVIEWER
And they’ll buy that?
STEVE
Why not? I know all the stories about me.
INTERVIEWER
The funeral finishes. What then?
STEVE
Okay, I go up to Donna, I offer a packet of tissues. I, I tell her I have tickets for a kick-arse concert of baroque music that night and ask her if she wants to come along. Eh?
INTERVIEWER
Don’t say kick-arse.
STEVE
Obviously. But you get the idea.
INTERVIEWER
Seducing your wife at your own funeral. That’s bold.
STEVE
I, I don’t want to waste any time.
INTERVIEWER
Won’t you be jealous?
STEVE
Of who?
INTERVIEWER
Of this French beef cake with a superior knowledge of baroque music.
STEVE
But it’s me!
INTERVIEWER
But your wife doesn’t know that.
STEVE
What are you saying?
INTERVIEWER
That she’ll be cheating on you.
STEVE
With me!
INTERVIEWER
It doesn’t bother you?
STEVE
Why should it bother me?
INTERVIEWER
It’s disrespectful to your memory!
STEVE
I can’t afford to think about the past. I have to think about the future!
INTERVIEWER
Well in that case I think we need drinks.
(via the intercom)
Salvatore! Two carrot and egg white protein shakes please!
SALVATORE
(answers in Italian)
THE DOOR OPENS AND SALVATORE ENTERS SHAKING THE PROTEIN SHAKES.
STEVE
Wow that was fast.
THE DRINKS ARE PLACED ON THE DESK AND SALVATORE LEAVES.
INTERVIEWER
To the future!
HE OPENS HIS SHAKE.
STEVE
To the future!
HE OPENS HIS SHAKE.
THEY CLINK AND SLURP THEIR SHAKES.
INTERVIEWER
Argh…
STEVE
Urgh…
INTERVIEWER
Tagline?
SLURP.
STEVE
The taste of energy… Wait a minute.
SLURP.
STEVE
Good lord. Vitalises the body and the mind.
INTERVIEWER
Ten out of ten for optimism. My turn.
SLURP.
INTERVIEWER
Urgh… As rank as rotten eggs and as revolting as roast rat. (coughs)
SLURP.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good heavens. As orange as Donald Trump’s spray tan and as vomit inducing as fermented eels. Urgh, urgh. Now off you rush. Kevin is waiting.
STEVE
Kevin?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Your personal trainer. Oh and I should warn you. You know Sergeant Hartmann in Full Metal Jacket?
STEVE
Uh… yeah…
INTERVIEWER
In comparison with Kevin he’s a like a cuddly teddy bear.
STEVE
Now, I…
INTERVIEWER
Now off you hop!
FOOTSTEPS AS STEVE LEAVES. THE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES BEHIND HIM.
INTERVIEWER
What a cockwomble.
EPILOGUE
ORGAN MUSIC FROM INSIDE THE CHURCH. HUBBUB.
KEN
Another school friend of Stephen’s? Oh, that’s so nice! I didn’t know he kept in touch with so many of his old pals. So you must know… Brad! Brad! Come over here! Someone you’ll recognise…
BRAD
Who are you?
CHAD
(in a French accent)
I’m Chad. You?
BRAD
Brad. You were at school with Steve?
CHAD
Oui, oui, we were best buddies.
BRAD
I don’t remember you.
CHAD
I don’t remember you!
BRAD laughs.
Didn’t have this body back then. Only started working out in my thirties.
CHAD
You’re not… Brad Newman?
BRAD
Sure am!
CHAD
You look nothing like Brad Newman!
BRAD
Yeah, it’s amazing what biceps curls and squat thrusts can do with your body. Hey, I still don’t know who you are though… Chad? We didn’t have a Chad at school? Did we?
CHAD
Brad Newman! But… but… you were never friends with Steve!
BRAD
Best buds.
CHAD
What? That’s a total lie! What are you doing here you fraudulent piece of-
BRAD
Hey, back off dude. You weren’t even in our school.
CHAD
Oh yeah? Who composed the Devil’s Trill?
BRAD
You kidding? Giuseppe Tartini. I fucking love Tartini.
CHAD
Alright, what key is Handel’s Sonata number three in?
BRAD
F Major. What was Scarlatti’s last composition?
KEN
Um, um… gentlemen? It’s time to go in.
THE CHURCH DOORS OPEN AND THE ORGAN MUSIC GETS LOUDER.
BRAD
Douche.
CHAD
Connard.
OUTRO THEME TUNE PLAYED ON A CHURCH ORGAN.
CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Dean Clark as Steve, Modou Bah as Ken and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. It was written by Philip Thorne, directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen. This episode was recorded at NSI Lydproduksjon with the assistance of Elisabeth Borgen Wettre. You can find out more about our team and how you can support the show on our website ameliapodcast.com.
Today, we want to give a shout out to a show that was instrumental in making The Amelia Project: Audio Drama Production Podcast, which is packed with ideas, inspiration and interviews about audio fiction. Thanks ADPP! By for now and look forward to inviting you back to Amelia again soon!
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END OF EPISODE