EPISODE 62 - DEAR CHILD HAS MANY NAMES
This episode is dedicated to Alison Thro who will ride a unicycle off Brighton Pier and come back as an avocado farmer in California. Enjoy the episode!
PROLOGUE - COLE AND HAINES' CAR
HAINES
(SIGHS)
(PAUSE)
Where the hell are we?
COLE
The end of the bloody world.
HAINES
A moment ago we had the coast line on our left, now it's on our right.
COLE
How can you tell? In this darkness? Are you navigating by the stars or something?
HAINES
The lighthouse over there.
COLE
Great. We are in a car, and you are using a lighthouse to navigate! What's next, we'll have to trim the sails? Hm?
(PAUSE)
HAINES
Oh. We must have taken a wrong turn.
COLE
I can't believe we lost them! We were right on their tail for hours!
HAINES
Shit happens.
COLE
Shit happens to shit drivers.
HAINES
Yeah watch it.
(PAUSE)
HAINES
It was not my fault those sheep decided to cross the road in the middle of the night!
COLE
Mow them down, I said! Mow them down! But WWF-ambassador Christopher Haines over here decided no! We had to wait! Sorry!
HAINES
Oh come- You'd have done the same thing!
COLE
I'd have put my foot on the bloody accelerator.
HAINES
Oh yeah?
COLE
Yeah! When I was the one driving it's what you told me to do! Remember?
HAINES
Mowing down a flock of sheep isn't exactly discreet. (COLE SCOFFS) They'd have spotted us. I... I can't believe we're discussing this.
COLE
(GRUNTS)
(PAUSE)
HAINES
Look!
COLE
What?
HAINES
Over there!
COLE
It's a light. From a cottage or something.
HAINES
(EXCITED) No, no, it's a campfire!
COLE
So?
HAINES
It's them!
COLE
Or it’s a bunch of German tourists on a hiking trip.
HAINES
Well… It's worth checking out!
(COLE SCOFFS. THE CAR STOPS, SOFTLY CRASHING INTO SOME BUSHES)
COLE
Parking inside a bush. Great. Should I pay for parking? I mean I'll roll down the window and beep my card against that bloody leaf?
HAINES
Cole! There are three people by that fire, two with smaller frames, and one giant!
COLE
Really? You- you can see all that?
HAINES
I'm sure of it! Let's crawl over there, hide behind the shrubbery and eavesdrop!
COLE
Don't we have any long range listening equipment in here?
HAINES
We didn't bring anything, did we. It was pure luck Dougie had a car in central London, or- or we would have lost them after Covent Garden.
COLE
I thought Dougie said this car was fully stocked!
HAINES
It has the disguises -
(COLE STARTS RUMMAGING IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND ELSEWHERE IN THE CAR. COLE GETS OUT ALL THE MOUSTACHES AND CHUCKS THEM ABOUT)
COLE
Yeah, great! There's fourteen different moustaches in here, you can choose between Albert Einstein, Charlie Chaplin, Freddy Mercury, Burt Reynolds, Salvador Dali and Frida flipping Kahlo! Let's put on all of them and hope we look like shrubbery!
HAINES
Come on. Let's get out and crawl!
COLE
Hnnnghghghghghhg....
(I OPEN THE DOORS AND SNEAK OUT OF THE CAR)
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 62 - Dear Child Has Many Names. - The Present.
A FIELD IN SCOTLAND. RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
MIA
(SARCASTIC) Oh, this has been fun so far, hasn't it?
KOZLOWSKI
I think it has! You are a very captive audience, I must say.
MIA
What do you think Jackie? Are we having fun?
JACKIE
Sure...
MIA
This is ace! Great entertainment. Brilliant storytelling. Inventive. Detailed. Surprising. Fantastical.
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean by "fantastical"?
MIA
Well... it's all made up isn't it?
KOZLOWSKI
I thought we had agreed to come here so I could tell you the truth?
MIA
Absolutely! And so far you are not upholding your end of the bargain.
KOZLOWSKI
Am I not?
MIA
What do you think, Jackie?
JACKIE
Yeah...
(SNAPS OUT OF IT) ...yeah! You've brought us to a random, empty field on a freezing cold night, and you seem to think that if we just light a campfire we will believe any old bullshit you serve up!
KOZLOWSKI
I swear, I have not told a single lie since we sat down here.
MIA
(SCOFFS) That's rich. Remember that very first story you told us?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah yes. Ross.
(HE CHUCKLES)
MIA
No, back in London. Right after you woke up and got out of that body bag.
KOZLOWSKI
Remind me...
JACKIE
You told us that you'd founded a clinic in Istanbul. With Behrem, your husband.
(KOZLOWSKI GIVES A MELANCHOLIC SIGH)
MIA
You told us a fantastical tale of how you'd lived your life swapping faces with people and had seen the world from behind more than a hundred different faces.
KOZLOWSKI
A tale more fantastical than Ross? Elvis? Hitchcock and his double?
MIA
Perhaps not, but you admitted there is no no Anka Kusu! When we spoke to Miss Kennedy, you called the story "Istan-bullshit"!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh yes, I did! I was very pleased with that pun.
JACKIE
If there is no faculty of medicine in Marmaris, if there is no face-swapping, why should we believe your story about aliens and doppelgangers and the ghost of freaking Elvis?
MIA
We figure everything you've been telling us has been bullshit. Impressive bullshit, beautifully crafted and captivating bullshit, but still bullshit. So, are you going to come clean?
KOZLOWSKI
You need to understand something.
MIA
And what is that?
KOZLOWSKI
In my lifetime, I have heard so many stories, sometimes it is hard to tell which story is mine and which belongs to someone else. I get very involved in the stories I hear.
JACKIE
Waitwaitwait- You are trying to tell us the whole story about having a hundred different faces happened to someone else, and you imagined it happened to you!?
KOZLOWSKI
It may have happened to me... at a different time! Keeping the years apart can be hard.
JACKIE
How are we to believe anything you say, if you can't keep the facts straight?
KOZLOWSKI
I apologise for that. But I am confident the stories I have told by the campfire are correct. To make sure I am not misleading you, I have chosen stories that are attached to specific moments in history. We helped Ross in January 2001, two days after the inauguration of George Bush Junior. Thuggy Trashmouth's case took place in the late seventies, at the height of the punk era and Elvis Presley is hardly a man you would mix up with anyone else. Similarly Alfred Hitchcock was an icon of his time, and when he visited me in my motel, he was shooting Strangers on a Train, which would place the encounter firmly in 1951.
You see, I have taken care in the stories I have selected for you.
I could have told you about the death of Sven Johanson or Alberta Bettini - but did their deaths happen ten years ago or twenty years ago or a hundred? Who is to say! Sven lived in a 19th Century apartment block in Gothenburg and always wore a classic three piece suit. Alberta lived in a small Italian village untouched by time and rode a rusty bicycle. The aesthetics surrounding their deaths would have been the same had they happened at the end of the twentieth century, or at the beginning - or even before.
MIA
(SARCASTIC) Ah, yes, of course. Before...! Because you’ve lived for... how long exactly?
KOZLOWSKI
3000 years. Give or take.
MIA
(LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF) Wow. Just wow. You are taking this to new extremes.
KOZLOWSKI
You saw the deer, did you not?
BEAT.
JACKIE
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
And you heard my story about Patience.
JACKIE
Yes...
MIA
Hmm… The deer was some sort of trick. And as I said - I don't trust your stories.
KOZLOWSKI
I gave the deer my last drop of Patience to extend its life.
JACKIE
Huh...
MIA
Jackie - you are not seriously buying that?
JACKIE
You saw what happened to the deer...!
MIA
There are other explanations!
JACKIE
This case has been weird from the beginning! You were the one who was on about how strange this case was!
MIA
Yes, I thought we were dealing with drugs or something, not life elixirs!
KOZLOWSKI
My friends. There is no reason to fight.
JACKIE
We're not fighting.
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Instead, let us prove that I am telling the truth.
MIA
How?
KOZLOWSKI
Are you not part of the 'world's leading intelligence agency'?
MIA
Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Well then.
JACKIE
He's right. We can make some phone calls.
MIA
Who are we calling?
JACKIE
A lot of people. You're right, Mia, we shouldn't believe him outright. We need to proceed with caution. So let's check the facts. But if he's telling the truth... I mean... This would be the case of our lifetime!
BEAT.
MIA
And we can live forever.
JACKIE
Exactly!
MIA
I was joking! This is ridiculous!
JACKIE
So what? It doesn't hurt to check the facts.
MIA
I … suppose not.
JACKIE
Let's decide who calls who.
MIA
In the meantime - you don't go anywhere.
KOZLOWSKI
I have nowhere else to be.
MONTMARTRE CEMETERY.
(NIGHT SOUNDS)
ALVINA
So… how old are you?
INTERVIEWER
Guess.
ALVINA
You don't seem that old.
INTERVIEWER
(COY) You know, I'm young at heart...!
ALVINA
Well you're definitely not an old age pensioner, nor a teenager. Somewhere in between.
INTERVIEWER
I have started graying. These last weeks.
ALVINA
Well?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Well… I can't remember exactly how old I was when Itthobaal and I met, but the age I was then is essentially the age I am now. Or, rather, my body has stayed that age.
ALVINA
So his name is Itthobaal Kozlowski?
INTERVIEWER
No no no, his name is Piotr Kozlowski. But it used to be Behrem Behnam.
ALVINA
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
At one point it was Langston Hughes - not the Langston Hughes, of course, different Langston Hughes. Or at least I think he wasn't actually Langston Hughes? Anyway, before that again he was Ching Ling Foo - or was that after that? Oh, I forget. He has had so many names over the years!
'Dear child has many names', that's what they say in Sweden.
ALVINA
So when did he become Piotr Kozlowski?
INTERVIEWER
Hm… To be honest, I don't remember.
ALVINA
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Really.
(FOND MEMORY) Oh, Captain Dead Eye! That was another one of his names.
ALVINA
And... Itthobaal?
INTERVIEWER
Yes - when I met Kozlowski, his name was Itthobal of Tyre. He was born in Tyre, you see. Though once he started travelling the world, he became known as Itthobal of Phoenicia. To most people, though, he was known simply as... "The Phoenix".
But that's not a story for now! There's a lot to get through before we get there.
ALVINA
We've been through, what, eight decades? How much do we have left? Another eight?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you know this company has been around for longer than that.
ALVINA
Yeah. The papyrus...
INTERVIEWER
Hm-hm. And the stone tablets.
ALVINA
There are stone tablets? I never saw those!
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, if you go far enough back, there are cave paintings.
ALVINA
Are you joking?!?!
INTERVIEWER
(laughs) Yes, I'm joking! There are no cave paintings, no! But you should have seen your face!
ALVINA
How can you see my face, it's the middle of the night?
INTERVIEWER
You should have heard your voice then! (CHUCKLES) No, no cave paintings.
ALVINA
But... tablets?
INTERVIEWER
When we started this company paper wasn't invented.
ALVINA
So you and Kozlowski - Itthobaal - started it?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. But as I said, we are not there yet. We have to do this in order.
ALVINA
By which you mean backwards.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It's the only way I can do this.
ALVINA
Fine. Let's move on to the next story then - going backwards.
INTERVIEWER
As I was saying - we were in dire straits when we first met Amelia Earhart…
(EXCERPTS OF PHONE CONVERSATIONS CUT TOGETHER)
(A BUSY SOUND COLLAGE. OVERLAPPING)
JACKIE
Hi, this is agent Jackie Williams from CIA, could I speak to the Director of Assets at Area 51 please?
MIA
Mark, hi, it's Mia! Hah, long time no see! Yes, I do miss the Soft Power Department! The best parties in the whole CIA, I know!
JACKIE
This is agent Williams with the CIA, I need to speak to someone with knowledge of plumbing businesses in the East Midlands.
MIA
Listen, Mark, you had a hand in lot of punk-rock work in your day didn't you?
JACKIE
No, Williams, agent Williams. I need some information about British efforts to stop the German's nuclear program during the second world war. (UNDERLYING MIA’S WORDS) I know it's classified, I'm with the CIA!
MIA
I also need someone to give me some insights into the who's who in Hollywood right after the war. Do you think I should talk to Betty or Charles?
JACKIE
(OVERLAPPING) Sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night. Uh - do you happen to have heard about a company called Mrs. Plum's Plumbing?
MIA
So, Mark, have you ever heard about a punk rocker named Thuggy Trashmouth?
JACKIE
Don't give me that tone - we are allies, the UK and the US! MI5 and CIA! I just need some intel on - don't put me on hold!
MIA
Betty! Hi! Mia here. Quick question - Do you know if anyone with the name Piotr Kozlowski worked in special effects in Hollywood in the late 40s?
JACKIE
You're back! Fab. I was saying, we've just been collaborating on a case -
BEAT.
The Amelia Project.
BEAT.
Northcott-
BEAT.
Northcott, yes! She specifically said MI5 should cooperate with any questions -
MIA
No, he never worked for us, he was just a prosthetics specialist.
BEAT.
Yeah, he's linked to a case I'm working on.
BEAT.
JACKIE
I appreciate as a local historian you don't get a lot of these calls, but believe it or not, information about Mrs. Plum and her plumbing business is... of international importance.
MIA
Thanks Betty, if you could look that up, that would be fantastic
JACKIE
I know The Amelia Case is closed, but this is not linked to that case whatsoever -
BEAT.
Agents Cole and Haines? I have no idea what they're doing, this is a completely different case -
BEAT.
Are you transferring me again!?
MIA
Yes? Did you find anything? What did you find?
(THE COLLAGE GETS CALMER, NO OVERLAPPING, NO BEEPING)
HISTORIAN
A local plumbing business of importance to the CIA! It beggars belief... But I suppose there is no harm in sharing what I know. There was indeed a Mrs. Plum's Plumbing operating around these parts for several decades. They were based out of Plum Manor, of all places, a peculiar office for a plumbing business. Nothing much to say about them outside of that. Well - there was one other striking thing I guess I should mention. Mrs. Plum was a keen amateur aviator. Her Aviation Extravaganza's at the Summer Village Fête's were quite the spectacle. I was lucky enough to catch a few of them myself!
MARK (BACKGROUND HAS PEOPLE NOISE)
Thuggy Trashmouth - yeah I know the name. Terrible music. Never a big player, but he did make the headlines briefly when he was booed off stage for singing Elvis covers! Weird guy. Listen, Mia, when you're back in the States, maybe we could grab some beers down at the Texas Roadhouse? Just... just a couple of cold ones... you know?
BETTY
Ah… Let's see… (TYPING SOUNDS) Kozlowski... How do you spell that? Never mind, I'll try a few different ways...
(WAITING SOUND LIKE "T-T-T-T-T-T..)
Yeah, there we are. There's a "P. Kos-losky" mentioned in the make up department on "The Terror From Beyond the Grave". Then there's a P. Kosskylov doing "Monsters and masks" on "Killer Rabbits Revenge". Peter Kozlov is billed as Special Costumes Maker on "Voodoo-Man in New York".
And the initials P.K. come up a lot. There's a "P.K. Wonder" on "Fear of the Fog-Phantom", a P.K. Marvel on "The Dreadful Freakshow" and just the initials P.K. by themselves on "Invasion of the Flying Disc Men".
The only mention of a Mr. Piotr Kozlowski is a "thank you" on... oh! This one is kind of an outlier!
It's "Birds". By Hitchcock.
BEAT.
You can look it up yourself, honey.
BEAT.
No, I'm not using some secret archive, I'm just on IMdB.
SEAN AT AREA 51
Hi, Jackie is it? This is Sean, director of Extra Terrestrial Assets at Area 51. Listen, on the record I'm only responsible for meteorites and moon rocks, you understand? Off the record, though, I can confirm that in 2001 we lost a very important asset. One of our most prized possessions.
BEAT.
Off-off-the record? Yeah that "piece of rock"... died. A very messy death.
BEAT.
Listen, I don't know what you're working on, but a piece of advice? If you ever start collecting "moon rocks" - don't serve them chocolate…
SOMEONE QUITE HIGH IN THE MI5-SYSTEM
Hello there, agent Williams is it? I understand you wish to submit a formal request for the release of certain restricted material from the MI5 archives for use in an ongoing investigation?
BEAT.
Well, it has been approved, just be aware, this request is being logged. What do you need to know?
BEAT.
Ah. You mean Operation Dead Eagle. Well, it was led by Sir Hubert Hathoway the third.
BEAT.
Yes, it was very successful.
BEAT.
No, Sir Hathoway disappeared after the war. Presumed dead.
BEAT.
I don't have any more information about him I'm afraid. May I ask what investigation this is for?
BEAT.
Classified. Of course. Well, have a splendid rest of your... night, agent Williams.
(BACK AT THE FIELD IN SCOTLAND.)
KOZLOWSKI
So, do you believe me now?
MIA
(SIGHS) Everything you've told us checks out. Apart from that clinic you allegedly ran. Anka Kusu.
KOZLOWSKI
Turkish bureaucracy is not famous for accurate record keeping.
JACKIE
But you admit the story about how you became Piotr Kozlowski was a lie?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot vouch for its accuracy. But I still hope we have established a level of trust. Do you trust me?
JACKIE
Hm. Reluctantly.
KOZLOWSKI
Mia?
(NO ANSWER)
Mia?
(STILL NO ANSWER)
(SING-SONG) Miaaaa…
JACKIE
Mia. We have to move forward with this case, and it seems like right now, the best way to do that is to trust this man.
MIA
(SIGHS) Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Good!
MIA
Tell me this then: How did you get the name "Kozlowski"? I assume it's not your real name.
KOZLOWSKI
You know, I truly cannot remember!
MIA
(SIGHS) Hm.
KOZLOWSKI
I can continue the story instead?
JACKIE
Go ahead.
KOZLOWSKI
I will tell you about Amelia Earhart.
JACKIE
Yeah, that sounds interesting.
KOZLOWSKI
Now, Amelia Earhart was a very special woman...
THEME TUNE AND OUTRO
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and directed by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Benjamin Noble as Haines, Torgny G. Aandera as Cole, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Erin King as Mia Fox, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Layla Katib as the historian, J.K Robbins as Mark, Caroline Minks as Betty, Adam Raymonda as director of assets at Area 51 and Helena Doughty as the MI5 officer.
*Note from Pip:
Having just uploaded the final audio, I realised I made a mistake! There are two very important names missing from these credits: Production assistance by Maty Parzival, and graphic design by Anders Pedersen! Please rest assured that neither Maty nor Anders have faked their deaths and disappeared, it was entirely an error on my part. Anders, the man behind the iconic logo, has been with us from the very beginning and continues to dazzle with every new piece of episode art. Maty first joined as an intern in Spring 2021, then became a production assistant, and in just one and a half years has become an essential part of keeping the Amelia train on the rails (also their methodical colour coded notebooks and calendars rival those of Alvina…)
So: Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen!
This was the last episode of Season 5 Part 1, we hope to be back with Part 2 next year. If you would like to help us with that, then please do consider becoming a Patreon supporter from just $2 per new episode. We won’t be collecting any more pledges until we come back, but you can still sign up now, and it’s a great encouragement to us, every time a new patron signs up I get a little ping on my phone and it makes me so happy, so you will really be motivating us, and you’ll be ready to support us as of 2023!
Thank you to all of you who already support us, and as always a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Meagan Mighty, Dr. Insanity, Bryce Godmer, Grace Colum, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam and Deanna Berchenbriter.
Until we’re back you can get Amelia news by following us on twitter, Tumblr or Instagram.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
SAME FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
(COLE AND HAINES CRAWL THROUGH THE GRASS TOWARDS THE CAMPSITE. KOZLOWSKI'S VOICE IS FAINT, BUT GROWS LOUDER AS THEY COME CLOSER. COLE KNOCKS INTO SOMETHING)
COLE
(SOFTLY) Outch!
HAINES
(WHISPERING) Shhhh!
COLE
There was a twig!
(HAINES SCOFFS)
HAINES
(WHISPERING) Quiet!
(THEY CRAWL A BIT FURTHER. THEY ONLY CATCH THE TAIL END OF THIS CONVERSATION)
KOZLOWSKI
(FADING IN)
…so you see, all of that was a new direction for us. We could not run the company by ourselves anymore. We needed someone to bring us into the future. And who better than a woman who had embraced modernity, and even pushed the boundaries of what was deemed possible? Amelia Earhart transformed The Brotherhood of the Phoenix forever. And I don't just mean by introducing us to her favourite hot beverage.
JACKIE
Wow.
MIA
She introduced you to cocoa?
KOZLOWSKI
She loved to drink cocoa among the clouds...
JACKIE
What a story. So that’s why you're called The Amelia Project?
KOZLOWSKI
We needed a new identity. It only seemed right to name ourselves after the woman who saved us.
(THEY FALL SILENT)
BEAT.
COLE
(WHISPERING) Did we- Did we just miss the story about the origin of the company?
HAINES
(WHISPERING) Shush!
BEAT.
Seems like it.
COLE
(WHISPERING) We missed everything!
BEAT.
HAINES
(WHISPERING, FEEBLY) But we found them!
COLE
(WHISPERING) The Americans will never tell us what they know!
HAINES
(WHISPERING) I guess not.
COLE
(WHISPERING BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH) Hot. Steaming. Sticky. Poo. Fuck!
BEAT.
JACKIE
If Amelia Earhart saved you... she is not the beginning of the story?
KOZLOWSKI
Not at all. The story started long before that…
END OF THE EPISODE AND OF PART 1 OF SEASON 5.