EPISODE 62 - DIE BERLINER LUFT
PIP
Welcome back to The Amelia Project! This episode is dedicated to Celeste Joos, who will drift off into the blue in a hot air balloon and reappear many months later on the Isle of Wight’s birthday party circuit, as a sculptor of balloon animals. Thank you so much for your support Celeste!
And now, the first episode of Season 5 Part 2. Happy listening.
MONMARTRE CEMETERY
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, do you mind if we go for a stroll?
ALVINA
(STRETCHING) I could do with stretching my legs.
INTERVIEWER
(ALSO STRETCHING) Ah, yes.
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA GET UP)
INTERVIEWER
Are you coming with us Sheba?
(SHEBA MEOWS AND FOLLOWS THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA)
Let's take a stroll among the stories. Every grave tells a story. (ALVINA HUMS) Look, this is the resting place of La Goulue, can-can dancer and star of the Moulin Rouge, known for guzzling cabaret patrons' drinks while dancing! (ALVINA CHUCKLES) She was the toast of Paris, the highest paid entertainer of her day.
(THEY KEEP WALKING)
Oh and here's our old friend Francis Picabia again.
ALVINA
(UNIMPRESSED) That was the guy who made macaroni art right?
INTERVIEWER
You make it sound trivial.
ALVINA
Didn't Lorraine do something like that in primary school?
INTERVIEWER
She did.
ALVINA
On the wall above your desk in London, there was this piece of cardboard with dried noodles glued to it. (INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES) Amelia warned me not to get rid of it because it was a gift from your niece.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed yes! It was a beautiful piece.
ALVINA
Yes. For a four year old.
INTERVIEWER
Your point?
ALVINA
How old was Picabia?
INTERVIEWER
Oh he didn't limit himself to macaroni.
ALVINA
Well, I'm glad to hear it. I mean all this Dada stuff is all well and good, but if-
INTERVIEWER
He could do figurative if that's what you mean.
ALVINA
Right. Cos otherwise I can't help but feel it's all a bit of a cop out, you know?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, you're such a Kunstbanause.
ALVINA
Huh? What does that mean?
INTERVIEWER
It's a German word for someone who doesn't understand art.
ALVINA
Yeah… Abstract art isn't my thing.
INTERVIEWER
Here's how good a figurative painter Picabia was: His uncle, a Spanish aristocrat, had a private art gallery. As a boy, Picabia exchanged the works one by one with his self painted forgeries, then sold the originals to fund his stamp collection.
ALVINA
No way! (INTERVIEWER HUMS) And his uncle didn't notice?
INTERVIEWER
No!
ALVINA
That's impressive!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Yes, it was. I mean, he was quite the prankster.
BEAT.
ALVINA
By the way.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
Lorraine.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? What about her?
ALVINA
How does she fit into this story? I mean she's what... Sixteen? Or seventeen? That means she was born before... Well we definitely should have heard her story by now, no? You don't want to tell me the story of why you have a niece?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Just no?
INTERVIEWER
No. I... I'm not quite ready for that.
ALVINA
I understand.
BEAT.
ALVINA
(CLEARS HER THROAT) So you knew Mr. Maccaroni.
INTERVIEWER
Not well, but in the twenties we were both regulars at the Centrale Surréaliste.
ALVINA
The Centrale Surréaliste?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, The Bureau of Surrealist Enquiries.
ALVINA
Wait - That's a real place?
INTERVIEWER
15 Rue de Grenelle. I used to attend the dinner parties there. ALVINA, you haven't lived until you've attended a surrealist's dinner party.
(ALVINA LAUGHS)
No, seriously. Sinking into a flamingo chair around a large glass table on four bicycle wheels,
ALVINA
Uh-huh?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-watching the coiled sausage unfurl, hiss and slither off your plate, (ALVINA MAKES A DISGUSTED SOUND) No, wonderful! Cutting into the pie and watching a kaleidoscope of butterflies flutter out, then retiring to the library for absinthe and exploding cigars.
ALVINA
You’re nuts!
INTERVIEWER
It was…
ALVINA
So you lived in Paris in the twenties?
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, no. Our base was in Berlin.
ALVINA
Berlin?
INTERVIEWER
The party city.
(SINGS) "Das ist die Berliner Luft Luft Luft!"
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) What's that?
INTERVIEWER
Berliner Luft. That was the name of our cabaret.
ALVINA
Your cabaret?
INTERVIEWER
Well, we had a bedsit in Prenzlauer Berg where we slept during the day, but all through the night, we were at Die Berliner Luft.
ALVINA
What about work?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, the cabaret provided a steady stream of colourful characters. And Germany wasn't short of people wanting to disappear.
ALVINA
So you operated from within the cabaret?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Hmm. Well I’d like to hear that story next.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I hope I get the facts straight. It was the wildest of times...
(SINGS AGAIN) "Das ist die Berliner Luft Luft Luft! So mit ihrem holden Duft Duft Duft! In dem Duft Duft Duft, Dieser Luft Luft Luft.
(WE FADE TO THE CABARET AND ANITA TAKES OVER THE SINGING, ACCOMPANIED BY A BAND.)
ANITA
(SINGS) Ja ja ja, das macht die Berliner Luft Luft Luft! So mit ihrem holden Duft Duft Duft! Wo nur selten was verpufft Pufft Pufft! Das macht die Berliner Luft.
Berlin! Hör' ich den Namen bloß, da muß vergnügt ich lachen! Wie kann man da für wenig Moos, den dicken Wilhelm machen! Warum läßt man auf märk'schem Sand, gern alle Puppen tanzen? Warum ist dort das Heimatland, der echte Berliner Pflanzen?
Ja ja, ja ja, ja ja
Das ist die Berliner Luft Luft Luft! So mit ihrem holden Duft Duft Duft!In dem Duft Duft Duft, Dieser Luft Luft Luft. Ja ja ja, das macht die Berliner Luft Luft Luft! So mit ihrem holden Duft Duft Duft! Wo nur selten was verpufft Pufft Pufft! Das macht die Berliner Luft!
applause.
KOZLOWSKI
(CALLING TO A WAITRESS) Fräulein?
Waitress
Ja mein Herr?
KOZLOWSKI
I'll have the usual.
Waitress
Kommt sofort!
(THE ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP AGAIN. A JAZZY CHARLESTON OR FOXTROT VERSION OF THE AMELIA THEME)
INTRO
The Amelia Project. By Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 63 - Die Berliner Luft. 1929
(APPLAUSE)
ANITA
Hat dir mein Lied gefallen?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh! Hello. Anita Jelinek! I enjoyed your song. (HUMS THE SONG)
ANITA
(CHUCKLES) Are you trying to steal my job?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah… Fräulein Jelinek, nobody could do that.
ANITA
May I sit?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, my pleasure. Though I fear my fellow patrons will get very jealous.
(ANITA SITS AND LEANS IN CLOSE TO KOZLOWSKI)
ANITA
(FLIRTATIOUSLY) Hmhmm, Should we give them reason to be jealous?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh... I...
ANITA
Am I making you uncomfortable? This?
KOZLOWSKI
You are very attractive Fräulein Anita, it is just that I… uhm…
ANITA
…yes?
KOZLOWSKI
(STRUGGLING HARD)
ANITA
(SAVING HIM) You swing the other way, I know.
KOZLOWSKI
You do?
ANITA
Yes. Pity.
KOZLOWSKI
How do you know?
ANITA
Ach Schätzchen. You think sitting in an audience makes you invisible? I watch you too…
KOZLOWSKI
You watch me?
ANITA (CON’T)
You have been sitting at this table night after night for the last three months.
KOZLOWSKI
Three months?
ANITA (CON’T)
Plenty of time to observe.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah… I see…
ANITA
Don't look so surprised. Your appearance is hardly diskret, even here, among the flappers, playboys and drag queens of Die Berliner Luft.
KOZLOWSKI
I thought we had finally found a place where our unconventional appearance did not raise eyebrows.
ANITA
No, I- I love it! (LAUGHS) I've never seen anyone with arms covered in ink who isn't a … sailor or a circus performer! And your friend's powder blue tuxedo and pink Kravatte are most dashing.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, yes.
ANITA
Where is he now?
KOZLOWSKI
Travelling back from Paris.
ANITA
Paris? International men of mystery...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes… Something like that
ANITA
To be honest, I was … getting worried about you.
KOZLOWSKI
You were? Why?
ANITA
You haven't been here for two whole weeks. I thought maybe… Uhm… they'd taken you...
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no. I was in Kreuzberg.
ANITA
Doing what?
KOZLOWSKI
(HESITANT) Medical experiments.
ANITA
You look very pale and thin. Have you been eating?
KOZLOWSKI
Who is this "they"?
ANITA
Wie bitte?!
KOZLOWSKI
You said "I thought maybe they'd taken you."
ANITA
You know what I mean!
KOZLOWSKI
I don't.
ANITA
I understand. You do not want to talk about politics. Is that a bird inked on your forehead?
KOZLOWSKI
A phoenix.
(THE WAITRESS ARRIVES)
Waitress
Ihr Champagne.
KOZLOWSKI
(TO THE WAITRESS) Dankeschön.
ANITA
Champagne? Very fancy…
KOZLOWSKI
Well… I ordered this for my friend's return. But I would be happy to crack it open with you now?
ANITA
You don't happen to have anything a little... stronger?
KOZLOWSKI
Anita… I assume you are not talking about drink?
ANITA
…no
KOZLOWSKI
I can give Günther a call... One moment...
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS DIALLING. CUT TO THE FIELD IN SCOTLAND. CRACKLING FIRE)
JACKIE
No no no, you're misremembering...
KOZLOWSKI
You think? It is possible. The substances I was consuming at the time did cloud the brain.
JACKIE
What substances?
BEAT.
Opium?
MIA
You're a lot of things, but I didn't expect "junkie" to be one of them.
KOZLOWSKI
Jackie, why do you say I misremember?
JACKIE
You can't just call your dealer from the table. This was way before cell phones. You're getting your time periods mixed up.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. In this respect you are wrong. You see, there were phones fixed to each table and above them a lighted number. Singles could look around the room until a fetching stranger caught their eye, note the number, and then direct a message to that table.
JACKIE
Huh.
KOZLOWSKI
(CON’T) For those too shy to pick up the phone, there was a system of pneumatic tubes.
MIA
Pneumatic tubes?
KOZLOWSKI
The club provided paper on which to scrawl notes. All you had to do was write your missive, yank a handle, and the pneumatic tube would whisk it up to the top gallery and it would be directed to the right table.
JACKIE
Like messaging on a dating app!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! Think of it as an early version of Tinder.
MIA
You know what Tinder is? Wait, do you have a profile?
KOZLOWSKI
I was in the process of telling you about Weimar era Berlin.
MIA
Sorry, sorry - go on.
KOZLOWSKI
At Die Berliner Luft, many provocative notes were passed around, and the club offered a long menu of gifts that visitors could dispatch via tube, including perfume bottles, cigar cutters, or in our case-
JACKIE
Drugs.
KOZLOWSKI
Um... yes... that too.
JACKIE
What else?
KOZLOWSKI
Should I get back to my story?
JACKIE
Please.
(back at the club. a little package shoots out of the pneumatic tube and KOZLOWSKI catches it)
KOZLOWSKI
Your nose candy Fräulein.
ANITA
How did you know my pick-me-up of choice?
KOZLOWSKI
I read Die Berliner Illustrirte. They say you walk the streets with nothing but a fur coat, a pet monkey, and a silver brooch filled with cocaine. They call you The Snow Queen.
ANITA
Snow Queen! And you believe everything you read in Die Illustrierte?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, they were right about the cocaine…
ANITA
(SNORTS THE COCAINE)
KOZLOWSKI
They also say you had an affair with Bertold Brecht and received Marlene Dietrich naked in your bathtub. True?
ANITA
I will leave that to your imagination. (KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS) What else do they say about me?
KOZLOWSKI
One evening, when a member of the audience was not paying attention, you took a champagne bottle and smashed it over his head. True?
ANITA
I'm surprised that you missed that!
KOZLOWSKI
I am very disappointed I did. And I promise I will never doze off while you are on the stage. You are my favorite performer here.
ANITA
(CHUCKLES) I am flattered. But I didn’t smash that bottle over his head because he was not paying attention.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh? Then what was the reason?
ANITA
He was wearing a Swastika armband.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. I thought we were not going to talk politics.
ANITA
(SIGHS) It seems hard to avoid these days. Even at Die Berliner Luft.
KOZLOWSKI
You are opposed to the Nazis?
ANITA
Well they're opposed to me, that’s for sure.
KOZLOWSKI
You? Why?!
ANITA
Huh! I’m Jewish, I’m a depraved bohemian and I swing … Both ways. Take your pick, I guess.
KOZLOWSKI
Listen. The Nazis are knuckleheads. But they will never succeed. Not here. Anita, I have lived in many cities, and rarely have I experienced a time or place of such liberation! Berlin is a city where the likes of you and I need not hide, but can hold our heads up high!
ANITA
And you think that can last?
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean?
ANITA
Have you been reading only the gossip columns in Die Illustrirte!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, I despise politics. And in my defence, I have a professional interest in the gossip pages. Colourful characters make the best clients.
ANITA
Well actually…
KOZLOWSKI
What?
ANITA (CON’T)
…that is what I want to become
KOZLOWSKI
What?
ANITA
A client.
KOZLOWSKI
A client?
ANITA
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
But... You do not even know what I do.
ANITA
Your activities might not be splashed across the tabloids like mine, but what you do is hardly a secret!
KOZLOWSKI
It is not?
ANITA
No, your operation is very transparent.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh…
ANITA
Look… People flock to Die Berliner Luft for all sorts of reasons. For some it's the caviar, for some it's the cocaine, for some it's to hear me sing... for others it's to buy a new passport.
KOZLOWSKI
I don’t know what you are talking about.
ANITA
Ach tu nicht so! You're going to tell me it's just drugs you send through those tubes?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, sometimes-
ANITA
My friend Gerhard was waiting for a perfume bottle from his lover and out of the tube pops a death certificate! You're hardly diskret.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not know what you are talking abou-
ANITA
No? What about Sarah Kiessinger?
KOZLOWSKI
You know about Sarah?
ANITA
Yes. I received a letter from her this morning. She is very happy with her new life as a carousel operator in the Tivoli. Copenhagen is treating her well.
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot believe she told you! I am very disappointed in her. We forbid clients to make contact with anyone from their previous life.
ANITA
I am not just anyone. She is my … dearest friend.
KOZLOWSKI
…Dearest friend? You two are lovers? She said she had no attachments here.
ANITA
Of course she did. Otherwise you would not have helped her.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS)
So you want to disappear? Why? You are the toast of Berlin!
ANITA
As I said, things are changing.
KOZLOWSKI
The Nazis will never come to power.
ANITA
Even it they don't, those young men are causing trouble that can no longer be ignored-
KOZLOWSKI
Boys, Anita! They are boys!
ANITA
They are boys with their own army!
KOZLOWSKI
Really?
Well, listen. Do not let them scare you. (ANITA SCOFFS) Berlin is a party, you are the life of the party, and the party cannot end. Please do not let the party end.
ANITA
I leave for Copenhagen next week. Sarah tells me they are looking for dancers at the Tivoli. The question is whether you can provide me with the necessary paperwork, or … whether I do this alone.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) You leave me no choice.
ANITA
I can pay.
KOZLOWSKI
Your mind is set?
ANITA
There is nothing you can say to dissuade me.
KOZLOWSKI
Very well.
ANITA
Thank you.
KOZLOWSKI
I will miss your singing. There is nobody else with a voice quite like yours.
ANITA
In a moment I have to go back on stage… and I will sing my next song for you.
KOZLOWSKI
(DELIGHTED SOUNDS) How would you like to die?
ANITA
Overdose.
KOZLOWSKI
Appropriate. I will have a death certificate and a Danish passport ready for you tomorrow.
ANITA
(RELIEVED) I cannot thank you enough. How much do I owe you?
KOZLOWSKI
Just the song.
ANITA
You are a good man. Which song would you like?
KOZLOWSKI
Well… On my first night here, you sang a little ditty about death, likening destiny to a carpenter, whose plane levels everybody. I cannot get that song out of my head.
ANITA
You mean Das Hobellied.
KOZLOWSKI
Das Hobellied!
ANITA
I will sing it for you.
(ANITA GETS UP)
KOZLOWSKI
See you tomorrow, Anita.
ANITA
Same table, same time.
KOZLOWSKI
A new life awaits.
ANITA
Danke schätzchen. I really mean it. (SHE BLOWS A KISS)
(ANITA GETS UP ON STAGE. APPLAUSE. WHEN THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN SHE STARTS SINGING)
ANITA
Und jetzt ein Lied für meinen Freund an Tisch 16. Der Herr mit dem Feuervogel auf der Stirn. Die Wiener Volksweise - das Hobelied. Otto, bist du bereit?
(MUSIC. ANITA SINGS)
Da streiten sich die Leut’ herum wohl um den Wert des Glücks, der eine heißt den andern dumm, am End’ weiß keiner nix. Da ist der allerärmste Mann dem andern viel zu reich. Das Schicksal setzt den Hobel an und hobelt alles gleich.
Zeigt sich der Tod einst, mit Verlaub, und zupft mich, Bruder komm! Da stell’ ich mich im Anfang taub und schau mich gar nicht um. Doch sagt er: lieber Valentin, mach keine Umständ’, geh!
Da leg ich meinen Hobel hin und sag der Welt adé!
(APPLAUSE. STEPS APPROACH KOZLOWSKI'S TABLE)
KOZLOWSKI
Hello. Can I help you?
INTERVIEWER
Oui Monsiuer, puis-je me servir un peu de ce champagne?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) It's you!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Yes! How do you like the new style?
KOZLOWSKI
It makes your previous suit look uh … discreet. Is it made of- What is that?
INTERVIEWER
Flamingo feathers, Carl, Flamingo Feathers. And what do you think of the moustache?
KOZLOWSKI
Delightful!
INTERVIEWER
I had it waxed by Salvadore Dali's very own barber.
KOZLOWSKI
So you had fun with the surrealists?
INTERVIEWER
We had a fascinating conversation about time and perception over a dinner of ant eggs, lobster pancakes and pineapple eclairs.
KOZLOWSKI
Delicious!
INTERVIEWER
I tell you, I haven’t eaten that well since since- since we lost Jack Boyd to scurvy in... 1720 was it?
KOZLOWSKI
(WISTFUL) Ah, Jack Boyd. The finest cook to ever sail the Seven Seas.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed! Anyway, I sat next to a Belgian artist called Margritte who made the most amusing doodles on a napkin. Here, look at this one.
KOZLOWSKI
It's... a pipe.
INTERVIEWER
Now read what's written underneath.
KOZLOWSKI
"Ceci n'est pas une pipe."
INTERVIEWER
This is not a pipe.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not understand.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Come on! This is not a pipe.
KOZLOWSKI
But it is.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? Are you sure?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh... yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well, can you stuff it?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh... no.
INTERVIEWER
So it's not a pipe.
KOZLOWSKI
It's an image of a pipe.
INTERVIEWER
Aha! The treachery of images! See! Isn't it fascinating how the mind can play tricks on you like that and you don’t get it at first and then you do and it’s like Aha! Lightbulb, yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur… It is not interesting at all.
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on! We had discussions like this all evening! Paris is the intellectual centre of the world!
KOZLOWSKI
Well. I prefer Berlin.
INTERVIEWER
They have a word for you here. "Kunstbanause."
KOZLOWSKI
Well I find greater wisdom in popular culture than modern art.
INTERVIEWER
Okay okay, well, you might not appreciate Margritte's pipe, but what if I told you that Antonin Artaud gave me another packet of his cigars?
KOZLOWSKI
Listen, I am very glad you had a delightful time in Paris, but back to business. Tell me you got the rubber stamp from the ministry of finance at the Elysée palace.
INTERVIEWER
I … did not. No
KOZLOWSKI
Faking papers for Adam Freudenberger to start a new life in the French judiciary was the sole reason for your trip!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes I know, I know, look, I can take the next train back to Paris tomorrow morning, okay?
KOZLOWSKI
That case is our meal ticket for the month!
INTERVIEWER
Yes I know!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
And instead you go talking to that silly man Salvador Dali about time and perception!
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
I would hardly call him silly! And it’s a very interesting topic.
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe on a full stomach.
INTERVIEWER
My stomach was very full - of roast peacock and champagne.
KOZLOWSKI
And your nose was full of nose candy I believe?
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTERING) Just the tiniest little bit -
KOZLOWSKI
You have snorted away every last Reichsmark.
INTERVIEWER
Oh!! You are one to talk! Shall we compare what I've spent on cocaine - which has mostly been given to me for free at parties I might add - and what you have spent... on heroin!
KOZLOWSKI
That is medicine!
INTERVIEWER
Oh is it really?
KOZLOWSKI
I am... conducting an experiment.
INTERVIEWER
An experiment?! And what experiment is that? Seeing how successful you can be at blaming me for wasting our money, when you're the one who is knocked out for days in some dingy Kreuzberg basement?
KOZLOWSKI
That has only happened twice.
INTERVIEWER
Twice, Hrm, yes. While I’ve been here.
KOZLOWSKI
I have it under control.
INTERVIEWER
Ha!
(PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Look at us.
INTERVIEWER
What.
KOZLOWSKI
Remember the time we were "the best in the business."
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Yes. When you actually still performed surgeries!
KOZLOWSKI
When you actually devised unique personalised deaths for each and every client!
INTERVIEWER
When your lab was more than just a-
KOZLOWSKI (TAKING OVER)
-a syringe and a spoon!
BEAT.
When is the next competition?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, I've lost track.
(INTERVIEWER JUST HUMS)
Selling paperwork? This was never what The Brotherhood of The Phoenix was meant to be about. We were about...
INTERVIEWER
Stories.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
We have let our standards slip.
KOZLOWSKI
We may have been neglecting more than just the business.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
I talked to Anita Jelineck.
INTERVIEWER
The singer?! Oh I love her! She talked to you…? You lucky man.
KOZLOWSKI
She seems to think that the brown shirts are more than just a flash in the pan.
INTERVIEWER
No no no no no! Not politics! Not here!
(HE KEEPS PROTESTING, OVERLAPPING KOZLOWSKI’S WORDS)
KOZLOWSKI
What if it is true?
INTERVIEWER
No, Carl, please!
KOZLOWSKI
(QUIETLY) Talking of the brown shirts...
INTERVIEWER
No I don’t want to talk about the Brown Shirts-
KOZLOWSKI (OVER THE ONGOING PROTESTS)
Arthur, listen, do you see that man over there?
INTERVIEWER
What man-
KOZLOWSKI
That man over there!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, alright, I see him. Well, at least they're moving away from brown.
(OBSERVING THE MAN) Black leather isn't much jollier though. Good lord (LAUGHING) I have never seen such tight trousers! But I suppose, if you tighten your belt that much and squeeze your feet into a pair of Jackboots one size too small, your trousers are going to fluff up like a bloom when you far aren’t they?
Ah, listen, his Luft-Luft-Luft is ver-Pufft-pufft-pufft!
KOZLOWSKI
Take this seriousl-
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS. THEN STOPS) Good lord is he coming towards us?
KOZLOWSKI
Why are you so loud all the time? I’m- He is coming towards us. Act natural! Act natural.
INTERVIEWER
I always act natural!
KOZLOWSKI
Lose the feathers! Lose the feathers!
INTERVIEWER
I can not lose the feathers! Want me to sit here naked?!
KOZLOWSKI
Stop it! Smile.
INTERVIEWER
I am smiling.
(THEY ARE BOTH DOING THEIR BEST IMPRESSION OF BEING NORMAL)
(SIEGFRIED APPROACHES THE TABLE. MEANWHILE, ON STAGE, ANITA STARTS A NEW SONG)
SIEGFRIED
Guten Abend, meine Herren.
INTERVIEWER
Guten Abend! I was just saying to my friend here, what a fetching uniform you have.
SIEGFRIED
Siegfried Schulz. SS.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you want us to call you by your initials? Hm. Very well SS - highly unusual.
SIEGFRIED
Are you mocking me?
INTERVIEWER
No, of course not, I didn’t say it, you did!
SIEGFRIED
Because mocking Siegfried Schulz is not a good idea.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
SIEGFRIED (CON’T)
Your friend is about to learn that the hard way.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Which friend?
SIEGFRIED
Her?
INTERVIEWER
Who.
SIEGFRIED
Her!
INTERVIEWER
Huh…?
KOZLOWSKI
Anita? What... what are you going to do to her?
SIEGFRIED
First tell me what you were talking about.
KOZLOWSKI
I- I am a huge fan. I was telling her how much I enjoyed her act and-
SIEGFRIED
Oh, Stop! I know what you do.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
SIEGFRIED
False papers, passports. You smuggle people out of Germany.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, n o Sir, you are very much mistaken!
SIEGFRIED
There is no point denying it. Please. We are watching you.
(PAUSE. APPLAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Damn.
KOZLOWSKI
And… What are you planning to do to Anita?
SIEGFRIED
The same thing you do. Well almost. Make her disappear. I have two men at stage door.
pause.
INTERVIEWER
What do you want, Herr Schultz?
SIEGFRIED
You call yourself The Brotherhood of the Phoenix, correct?
KOZLOWSKI
(QUIETLY) Correct.
SIEGFRIED
Well. How would you like to become The Brotherhood of the Eagle? Hm?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
SIEGFRIED
When we take power our Führer will not look kindly on a pair of foreigners, dressed in pink feathers, cavorting with the lowlife and creating illegal routes out of the Reich...
INTERVIEWER
Ah hang on! In my defence, these flamingo feathers were plucked by Jean Cocteau himself.
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Shut up!
SIEGFRIED (CON’T)
...however, your proficiency in forgery, your international connections and of course your knowledge of the Berlin underground are of great interest. So I am inviting you to work for us.
INTERVIEWER
Do we need to wear that uniform?
SIEGFRIED
Nothing about your outward appearance should change. We want you to maintain your relations with the degenerates that frequent these places. But you will report to us about every client who approaches you. Hm. And from time to time we may need to send one of our own men abroad with a new identity, hm?
KOZLOWSKI
What do we get in return?
SIEGFRIED
The protection of the SS.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Which we've established doesn't stand for Siegfried Schulz.
SIEGFRIED
(AGGRESSIVE) The Schutzstaffel!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my! You're Hitler's security team aren’t you!
SIEGFRIED
You will find that we are much more than that. When the Führer eventually moves into the Reichstag-
INTERVIEWER
No, say no more Siegfried, we’re in. Say no more Siegfried, we're in!
(KOZLOWSKI TRIES TO PROTEST BUT DOESN’T GET A WORD IN)
SIEGFRIED
You are?
INTERVIEWER
This is great timing actually. We were just discussing how business has become stale. We need a new direction. You know, when you deal in new identities, it's good to reinvent yourself every once in a while, too. The Brotherhood of the Eagle. We’ll, we’ve done a great bit of reinventing in our time, haven’t we, Carl. Die Gebruder des Adlers.
SIEGFRIED
Gebüder.
INTERVIEWER
Ü-
(THEY PRACTISE FOR A MOMENT)
Ah, thank you, those Umlauts they always are so pesky, aren’t they! (SOME MORE PRACTISING) Ah! Die Gebrüder des Reichadlers. Well, Carl? I like it.
SIEGFRIED
Well. Meine Herren, I look forward to working with you. In fact, I believe you already have some information that is very valuable to us. You know the whereabouts of Hamburg journalist Adam Freudenberger, correct? We believe he is trying to obtain a French passport.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, we can tell you all about Adam, yes. But we have a little tradition here at the Brotherhood...
SIEGFRIED
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
New beginnings should always be celebrated with champagne! And there's a bottle here that hasn't even been opened yet.
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE BOTTLE AND POURS THREE GLASSES)
KOZLOWSKI
Ssooo we have decided on this….?
INTERVIEWER
I think we have, yes!
SIEGFRIED
I like that!
INTERVIEWER
As do I!
INTERVIEWER
Prost!
SIEGFRIED
Prost!
KOZLOWSKI
(RELUCTANTLY) Prost.
(THEY DRINK)
INTERVIEWER
Do you smoke Siegfried?
SIEGFRIED
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Can I tempt you with a cigar?
SIEGFRIED
A cigar? Why thank you very much.
INTERVIEWER
You're most welcome. They're very good.
(SIEGFRIED TAKES A CIGAR)
SIEGFRIED
Ah, thank you!
INTERVIEWER
Light?
(THE INTERVIEWER FLICKS A MATCH. SIEGFRIED LEANS IN WITH HIS CIGAR. AN EXPLOSION!!!)
RUN!!!
(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI DART THROUGH THE CABARET, CRASHING INTO A WAITER, SENDING DRINKS FLYING, PUSHING TABLES TO THE SIDE)
KOZLOWSKI
This way!!
(SIEGFRIED HAS GATHERED HIMSELF AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK. LOTS OF SCUFFLE, YELLING, RUNNING)
ANITA
HALT!
SIEGFRIED
Fräulein Jelinek?
ANITA
Hallo Schätzchen.
KOZLOWSKI
(DESPERATE) Anita! Anita!! Follow us!!!
SIEGFRIED
What are you- Put down that bottle! Wenn du die Flasche nicht sofort hinstellst-
(ANITA BRINGS A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE CRASHING OVER SIEGFRIED'S HEAD. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND)
ANITA (SPITS ON HIM)
Schwein!
SIEGFRIED
Anita Jelinek! Das wirst du bereuen! FASST SIE!
ANITA
Lass mich los du Nazischwein! Lass mich los!
(SCUFFLE. SILENCE)
(CUT TO THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI OUTSIDE. RUNNING THROUGH THE NIGHT. BOTH EXTREMELY OUT OF BREATH)
KOZLOWSKI
(PANTING) Die Gebrüder des Adlers?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur…
INTERVIEWER
Yeh… Carl?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur… For a moment you had me worried there.
INTERVIEWER
(PANTING BUT LAUGHING) I wonder what Artaud puts in those cigars to make them do that! You know, next time I'm at the Centrale Surréaliste I must ask him.
(BOTH STILL OUT OF BREATH)
KOZLOWSKI
I fear you might not be going back there for a while. We have to get out.
INTERVIEWER
Of Germany?
KOZLOWSKI
Of Europe.
PIP WITH THE CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Celeste Joos and featured Alan Burgon as The INTERVIEWER, Julia C. Thorne as ALVINA, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Ursula Anna Baumgartner as Anita Jelineck, Alexander Ballinger as Siegfried Schulz, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Willams, Erin King as Mia Fox and Mariah Lohn as the waitress.
The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Brager. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with sound design and the theme tune variation by Adam Raymonda. Die Berliner Luft is by Paul Lincke, and all musical arrangements for the songs by Fredrik Baden.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
The show is made possible by our patrons, without who’s support we would disappear like one of our clients. Thank you to all our patrons, and a shoutout to our super patrons,
Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Dr. Insanity, Bryce Godmer (Yeti), Grace Colum, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Celeste Joos, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers.
More info on the show and how to become a patron at ameliapodcast.com You can also follow us on twitter, instagram and Tumblr.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
(A BUSY PORT. SHIPS BEING LOADED. HORNS HONKING. WATER LAPPING AGAINST THE DOCK)
INTERVIEWER
So... Yet again we are at a crossroads. I'm impressed how quickly you found a ship that would take us. We've been on the run for what - eleven hours? Oh - Oh, I think they're loading our suitcases. Should we board?
KOZLOWSKI
Ugh, let us stand on terra firma for just one more minute.
INTERVIEWER
Gladly.
(PAUSE)
Uhm - not that I am questioning the island plan...
KOZLOWSKI
But...?
INTERVIEWER
But what about the Brotherhood? Will anyone ever find our services?
KOZLOWSKI
I bought a radio.
INTERVIEWER
So we do everything via radio?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Maybe we could travel just occasionally? I mean, only between the pacific islands. As long as we lay low, hm?
KOZLOWSKI
It would not be safe, Arthur…
INTERVIEWER
Alright, yes… I guess we’re staying on Phoenix Island then. Waiting for someone to find us...
KOZLOWSKI
(WITH A SMILE) It is called Phoenix island... What better place to look for us?
INTERVIEWER
You know, somehow I don’t think that’s enough to attract customers. Or do you imagine we'll get there, just to find a line of boats stretching along the coastline, full of clients that have been waiting years for us to arrive?
KOZLOWSKI
Well we will wait for someone to radio.
INTERVIEWER
How do we survive?
KOZLOWSKI
Fishing.
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful. I suppose there won't be any cocaine?
KOZLOWSKI
No. There will be no heroin either.
INTERVIEWER
We are about to go cold turkey then, aren't we.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT IN A SOUND)
KOZLOWSKI
We shall have to rely on patience.
INTERVIEWER
(MORE SOUNDS)
KOZLOWSKI
We will be better off than Anita.
INTERVIEWER
You're right.
(KOZLOWSKI GETS OUT TWO ENVELOPES AND HANDS ONE TO THE INTERVIEWER)
KOZLOWSKI
Have a look.
INTERVIEWER
What's this?
KOZLOWSKI
Identities.
INTERVIEWER
Pre-made identities?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. Passports and birth certificates.
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS HIS ENVELOPE)
INTERVIEWER
Let me see what I got… Piotr Kozlowski. Surgeon.
KOZLOWSKI
Sir Hubert Hathaway the Third... British. Lord.
INTERVIEWER
But… yours is much better than mine.
KOZLOWSKI
Actually… I picked these two at random and threw the rest into the fireplace back at the inn.
INTERVIEWER
You know... I wonder if this isn't the worst we've ever been. The days of The Daily Phoenix seem a lifetime ago, don’t they (NOSTALGIC) I did so enjoy digging up celebrity gossip and getting scoops on the latest royal scandals...
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, cheer up. We will rise from the ashes... We will be the best in the business again...
BEAT.
But… I have been thinking, Arthur…
INTERVIEWER
About what?
KOZLOWSKI
You and I… I think we need a leader.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I thought you’d never ask! I'm happy to step up and -
KOZLOWSKI
(QUICKLY SHUTTING HIM UP) Someone else.
INTERVIEWER
Someone else!?!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes someone else.
INTERVIEWER
Someone else!? Above us!?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. Someone else.
INTERVIEWER
Someone else who would be telling us what to do!?!
KOZLOWSKI
Exactly.
INTERVIEWER
Over my fake dead body! Hm!
(A LONG PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
Kozlowski. Your nose is bleeding.
INTERVIEWER
What? Oh. Oh my…
(HE DABS HIS NOSE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF)
Do you have a second Hankie?
KOZLOWSKI
There you are…
INTERVIEWER
Ah, (MUFFLED)
KOZLOWSKI
You are welcome.
INTERVIEWER
You know what I thought it through and I think you might be right… Someone else.
KOZLOWSKI
Someone else.
INTERVIEWER
Someone else. Yes. Maybe we do need a leader. By the way. About… About these Identities.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Should we swap?
END.