EPISODE 64 - GRANVILLE T. WOODS
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Grace Colum, our first patron who is in fact a ghost. While possessing a human body, Grace will be crushed inside a haunted house. Grace will then be resurrected as the new pumpkin king and a dazzling host of Halloween parties. Thank you for your support Grace. We hope you enjoy this new episode.
Prologue - 1909, OCTOBER. THE DAILY PHOENIX.
WE ARE IN A BUSY NEWSPAPER OFFICE IN LONDON. A LARGE NUMBER OF TYPEWRITERS GOING IN THE BACKGROUND. BUSY HUSTLE AND BUSTLE.
(SALINGER COMES RUNNING IN)
SALINGER 1
Morning, listen -
INTERVIEWER 1
What's the news, Salinger?
SALINGER 1
Not news, there's a telegram -
INTERVIEWER 1 (INTERRUPTS)
If it isn't news I'm not interested! We have sixteen pages to fill, the Daily Phoenix goes to print in a matter of hours and I don't want to end up printing speculations about Prince George's ingrown toenail again!
SALINGER 1
I- I think you'll want to read this!
INTERVIEWER 1 (CON’T)
It's because he wears his boots too tight.
SALINGER 1
The telegram's not for the newspaper.
INTERVIEWER 1 (CON’T)
Just like his grandmother.
SALINGER 1
(WHISPERS) It's for the brotherhood!
INTERVIEWER 1
What? Give it here!
(THE INTERVIEWER SNATCHES THE PIECE OF PAPER AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. THE DIN SUBSIDES SOMEWHAT)
(READS THE FIRST LINES OF THE TELEGRAM)
Coming on steamship. STOP. Arriving November 4th. STOP. May have invented doomsday -
(STOPS HIMSELF IN SURPRISE)
(THE NEWSPAPER OFFICES FADE AWAY, AND THE VOICE OF GRANVILLE T. WOODS FADES IN)
GRANVILLE (V.O. READING)
Coming on steamship. STOP. Arriving November 4th. STOP. May have invented doomsdaymachine. STOP. Sending babies ahead. STOP. HANDS OFF!
GRANVILLE T. Woods, Inventor
(MUSIC)
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 64 - Grandville T. Woods, 1909
1909, November 4th. THURSDAY. BUSY NEWSPAPER OFFICE IN LONDON.
(SALINGER OPENS THE DOOR. WE BRIEFLY HEAR THE RATHER MANIC DIN OF VOICES AND TYPEWRITERS. THEN IT SUBSIDES AS THE DOOR CLOSES. THIS HAPPENS WHENEVER THE DOOR OPENS)
SALINGER 1
(IN A HURRY)
Afternoon, Sir. To fit the update on the assassination of the Governor-General of Japan on tomorrow's front page, should I move -
INTERVIEWER 1
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Salinger!
SALINGER 1
Yes?
INTERVIEWER 1
What is that?
SALINGER 1
That is a... uh... wrapped doorframe.
INTERVIEWER 1
Don't be a Wisenheimer, Salinger!
SALINGER 1
But... that's what it is.
INTERVIEWER 1
I can see that. What I want to know is why there's a doorframe wrapped in brown paper standing in the middle of my office?
SALINGER 1
It was delivered this morning. There's another one down in the loading bay, but I haven't had time to bring it up.
INTERVIEWER 1 (INTERRUPTING)
Salinger, Salinger, Salinger... I have not ordered a door frame.
SALINGER 1
No, sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
Never mind two doorframes.
SALINGER 1
No, sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
I don't need any doorframes.
SALINGER 1
No, sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
No, sir! So why have these doorframes been delivered to me?
SALINGER 1
I have no idea, Sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
Then why don't you send them back?
SALINGER 1
(STUTTERING) There's no return address.
INTERVIEWER 1
(SIGH) Right. In that case, let's open it. Maybe it's made out of candy.
(THE INTERVIEWER TEARS OFF THE PAPER)
No, it's made out of metal. Who needs a doorframe with no door in it!?
SALINGER 1
Maybe it's not a doorframe?
INTERVIEWER 1
What else would it be? A picture frame? There's no picture in it either.
SALINGER 1
Well- That looks like a button. Maybe it's a- a lamp.
INTERVIEWER 1
In the shape of a doorframe?
(THE INTERVIEWER CLICKS IT THREE TIMES. A BRIEF SNAP OF ELECTRICITY CAN BE HEARD)
Nothing's happening. Whatever this thing is, it's not doing what it's supposed to do. Salinger, this piece of junk is clogging up my office, can you please move it?
SALINGER 1
Where, sir? There's no room, the whole building it is choc-a-block with journalists and typewriters and little trolleys-
INTERVIEWER 1
Throw it out, Salinger!
SALINGER 1
I don't have time!
INTERVIEWER 1
Salinger!
SALINGER 1
I could do it after work!
INTERVIEWER 1
Fine. But in the meantime, why don't you put it up against the actual doorframe. Then at least it's out of the way. I'm trying to run a newspaper here! Not a jumble sale.
SALINGER 1
Yes sir. Will you lend me a hand?
INTERVIEWER 1
No, nono. I have a bad back.
SALINGER 1
Right... I'll do it myself then. Hngh... Hnhggg…
(SALINGER PUSHES THE FRAME UP TO THE DOOR. IT IS HEAVY)
INTERVIEWER 1
Come on, put your back into it!
SALINGER 1
Ugh, heavy…
(SOME SCUFFLE AS SALINGER PUSHES THE DOORFRAME AGAINST THE DOOR, THE INTERVIEWER GIVES UNHELPFUL COMMENTS DROWNED OUT BY THE SOUND OF METAL ON FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER 1
Yes, yes! There we are! Yes! In front of the doorframe. You hardly notice it's there!
SALINGER 1
(A TAD OUT OF BREATH)
No, yes. So, Friday's front page... To fit the update on the assassination of Japan's Governor-General, should I move Lord Brabazon's live cargo flight or the piece on the Spokane Free Speech protest?
INTERVIEWER 1
Moving Lord Brabazon!? Are you mad? He is the first man ever to take a pig on an airplane!
SALINGER 1
Yes, but -
INTERVIEWER 1
This is the day pigs can fly, Salinger!
SALINGER 1
So the Free Speech then -
INTERVIEWER 1
Do you know how many things were predicted to happen on the day pigs can fly?
SALINGER 1
I believe- That's just a turn of phrase...
INTERVIEWER 1 (IGNORING HIM)
Thousands, Salinger! Millions of impossible things! Today; today they may all happen!
SALINGER 1
Or... not.
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, have some faith, Salinger! We run a newspaper! The more impossible things happen, the more we have to write about!
SALINGER 1
Tomorrow's front page, sir. I do need an answer.
INTERVIEWER 1
Move the search for the SS Waratah.
SALINGER 1
We need a human interest story, sir, 211 people missing at sea is a great -
INTERVIEWER 1
I know how many people are missing at sea, Salinger! You and I know better than anyone how many people are missing at sea! We are in fact the only ones who know where they are!
SALINGER 1
Yes, I know sir, but for the newspaper -
INTERVIEWER 1
Making a passenger ship with 211 people disappear... What a feat, Salinger! I mean, what a feat Salinger, what a feat!
SALINGER 1
Yes sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
I would like to try an even bigger passenger ship next time...
SALINGER 1
(SARCASTIC) Then let's hope more than 211 people all want to fake their death at the same time! As for the front page - !
INTERVIEWER 1
Did you hear about this ship called "Titanic"? It's being built over in Ireland. I should look into that...
SALINGER 1
Tomorrow’s front page, Sir!
INTERVIEWER 1
Salinger, Salinger, Salinger. Do you want your contract to be extended to 1910?
SALINGER 1
To next year? Well, obviously -
INTERVIEWER 1
Or 1911? Or even 1912?
SALINGER 1
Yes, sir.
INTERVIEWER 1
Then move the SS Waratah!
SALINGER 1
(SIGHS) You're the editor, Sir
(SALINGER STARTS TO LEAVE)
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, and Salinger?
SALINGER 1
...yes?
INTERVIEWER 1
How did the morning edition turn out?
SALINGER 1
I'll bring you a copy as soon as it arrives from print.
INTERVIEWER 1
Lovely.
SALINGER 1
(SIGHS)
(AS SALINGER LEAVES, KOZLOWSKI ENTERS)
SALINGER 1
Morning, Langston.
KOZLOWSKI
Good morning, Salinger.
(SALINGER LEAVES. THE DOOR CLOSES, AND THE DIN SUBSIDES)
INTERVIEWER 1
You know, Langston, I do think this is the best we’ve ever been!
KOZLOWSKI
Is it?
INTERVIEWER 1
Look at us! At the front of the building: A booming daily newspaper! At the back of the building: A popular local butcher shop!
KOZLOWSKI
And in between the two, we have to find time to run a death faking business... I have a question.
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, what’s that, Langston?
KOZLOWSKI
When there are always steak chops to cut and sausage meats to grind, when do you see me doing surgery on our clients?
INTERVIEWER 1
I got you that industrial meat grinder, didn't I! It can grind half a cow in two minutes!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. But someone needs to operate the machine, and clean it.
INTERVIEWER 1
I've told you, you should get an apprentice.
KOZLOWSKI
I did. Joe started yesterday.
INTERVIEWER 1
Great!
KOZLOWSKI
So far he has cut off two of his fingers and one of his toes.
INTERVIEWER 1
Listen, Langston, what we have here is the perfect business trifle! A layer of sophisticated journalism on top of some prime rib and turkey legs covering up a sweet, sticky, amoral enterprise!
KOZLOWSKI
(UNCONVINCED) Hm. If you say so. (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) When is the inventor coming?
INTERVIEWER 1
The telegram didn't specify a time.
KOZLOWSKI
Have you seen any sign of the 'babies' he mentioned?
INTERVIEWER 1
No. Not a single embryo, infant or toddler has arrived. I am stumped as to what he could have meant.
(KNOCKING)
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh! That might be him! Come in!
(JOE ENTERS, AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM)
JOE 1
Hi, eh -
INTERVIEWER 1
Stuff me with mince meat and call me a pie! You have transformed yourself from a 50 year old Afro-American inventor to a malnourished European teenage invalid! Ha! With skills like that, I don't see what you need us for.
JOE 1
Uh - ?
KOZLOWSKI
That is not Granville T Woods. That is my new apprentice Joe.
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, I see. Yes, well. That makes more sense. Are your fingers growing back fine?
JOE 1
Uh - not really.
INTERVIEWER 1
Why are you here, Joe?
JOE 1
Uh - Well I need to talk to-
KOZLOWSKI
Joe. I asked you to stay in the butcher shop. I said never to come up to the newspaper. So why are you here?
JOE 1
Uh -
KOZLOWSKI
We have deliveries coming today, do you remember?
JOE 1
Yes - The thing is
KOZLOWSKI
When they arrive, it is very important that you do exactly as I said. What did I say, Joe?
JOE 1
I should cut and display the beef...
KOZLOWSKI
But...?
JOE 1
But the crates that are nailed shut must be put in the back and I should never ever ever ever ever ever ever ask any questions about them.
KOZLOWSKI
Good boy. Now run off and do that.
JOE 1
But… The beef arrived!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
JOE 1
There's a lot of... blood.
KOZLOWSKI
(ABSOLUTELY EXASPERATED) You work at a butcher shop, Joe!
JOE 1
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
Deal with it.
JOE 1
Of course sir.
(JOE HEADS OUT. KOZLOWSKI SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER 1
Teaching isn't your strong suit, is it?
KOZLOWSKI
I will transform into the greatest mentor you have ever seen, as soon as I get a protege with an iota of talent.
INTERVIEWER 1
Yes, well-
(KNOCKING)
KOZLOWSKI
What now, Joe!?
(MORE KNOCKING, HARDER THIS TIME)
Just come back in!
(EVEN HARDER KNOCKING)
I said JUST ENTER!
(GRANVILLE T. WOODS ENTERS)
GRANVILLE
Hello. I need help.
KOZLOWSKI
I am so sorry, I thought it was someone else!
INTERVIEWER 1
Why do you need help?
GRANVILLE
He's after me!
INTERVIEWER 1
Who is?
GRANVILLE
I am!
INTERVIEWER 1
You are what?
GRANVILLE
After me!
INTERVIEWER 1
Who is?
GRANVILLE
I am!
INTERVIEWER 1
You are what?
GRANVILLE
After me!
INTERVIEWER 1
Who is?
GRANVILLE
I am!
INTERVIEWER 1
You are what?
GRANVILLE
After me!
INTERVIEWER 1
Who is?
GRANVILLE
I am!
INTERVIEWER 1
No, no, no, no - this isn't working. Take a deep breath and calm down.
(ONE EXASPERATED BREATH BY THE INTERVIEWER)
GRANVILLE
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH) Okay, I'm calm.
INTERVIEWER 1
Good! Mr. Woods?
GRANVILLE
That's me.
INTERVIEWER 1
Pleasure to meet you. Welcome to the Brotherhood of the Phoenix! I am your Interviewer today, and this is Langston, our surgeon.
GRANVILLE
Pleasure. Uh, is this rinky-dink newspaper supposed to be your cover operation?
INTERVIEWER 1
It's a fabulous cover operation! Anyone could come to report something at a newspaper. We also have a butcher shop at the back of the building, which makes it easy to transport replacement corpses in and out!
GRANVILLE
Right. It's just... Sorry, I expected something more secret.
KOZLOWSKI
We are hiding in plain sight, Mr. Woods.
GRANVILLE
I see.
INTERVIEWER 1
Please, take a seat!
(GRANVILLE SITS)
We would love to hear your story! The telegram mentioned a 'doomsday machine'. I have to say. That sounds terrifyingly exciting! And if you're not Phoenix-material, we can always use it as a front page story.
GRANVILLE
No. No you can not. Not under any circumstance.
INTERVIEWER
So, tell us why you're here!
GRANVILLE
I'm here because... when it came to killing what was closest to me... I couldn't.
INTERVIEWER 1
Is that a metaphor?
GRANVILLE
It's not.
INTERVIEWER 1
(REMINISCING)
It sounds like Abraham. Do you remember, Langston? We had everything set up. A mountaintop, you were posing as a burning bush... Isaac insisted his dad would kill him if he thought God was requesting that, but alas, the old fart just wouldn't do it!
GRANVILLE
(SOFTLY TO KOZLOWSKI) What's this dingbat on about?
KOZLOWSKI
Ignore him. Please tell us, what - or who - did you fail to kill?
GRANVILLE
Myself!
KOZLOWSKI
You attempted suicide?
GRANVILLE
No. Suicide is a weak man's game.
INTERVIEWER 1
I’m a bit confused...
KOZLOWSKI
I must admit I am too.
GRANVILLE
Well what do you think I am!
INTERVIEWER 1
What?
GRANVILLE
What happened to me has been nickel-and-diming me something awful and the story just isn't that easy to tell.
INTERVIEWER 1
Why not?
GRANVILLE
Because it is about me failing! More than failing... I... I don't know where to start!
INTERVIEWER 1
How about just telling us about yourself.
GRANVILLE
Like what?
INTERVIEWER 1
Well. Who do I have before me? Who is Mr. Woods?
GRANVILLE
Right. My name is Granville Tailor Woods, and I am an inventor. And even if I don't like saying it, I think I have just become the most significant inventor of this young century. Heck - of the whole millennium!
INTERVIEWER 1
Really? More significant than Thomas Edison? Alexander Graham Bell? Nikola Tesla?
GRANVILLE
Hah! I just outdid them all.
INTERVIEWER 1
How?
GRANVILLE
(CLEARS THROAT) Could I have a drink? My mouth is quite dry. Must be all the paper in this building.
KOZLOWSKI
How about some Seltzer?
GRANVILLE
Thank you.
(KOZLOWSKI POURS A GLASS OF SELTZER, USING ONE OF THOSE OLD SELTZER BOTTLES WITH A SPRAY TOP)
There you are, Mr. Woods.
GRANVILLE
Thank you.
(GRANVILLE HAS A SIP)
I have been working as a mechanical and electrical engineer since 1880. In that time I have obtained nearly 60 patents for my inventions, including for the automatic brake and the egg incubator. I have made improvements to technologies like the safety circuit, telegraph, telephone and phonograph. I've improved theatre lightings and electrical contractor rails.
(WITH A BIG SMILE, AND A CHUCKLE)
Boy, I've even powered a roller coaster at Coney Island! I've always been really jazzed about fairgrounds. Anyhow. That's me.
KOZLOWSKI
(PROUDLY) All this would be an incredible achievement for any man - and I hope you don't mind me saying - but it must have been even harder doing all that as a black man?
GRANVILLE
I don't mind you saying. It's the truth. I had to educate myself by working in railroad machine shops and steel mills. To get hold of the books I needed to read, I often had to ask white friends to check out library books for me. But in the end, I made myself an inventor, and I have lived and breathed my passion for thirty years, and even had a rather cushy life.
INTERVIEWER 1
Congratulations! I'm glad to hear there is hope!
GRANVILLE
Well, in that time I have obtained nearly 60 patents, sure, but I don't want to count how many patents I've lost to a white man's copy.
INTERVIEWER 1
Not so hopeful after all then…
GRANVILLE
There is hope - and despair. Life is full of paradoxes. After all, I've been called the 'Black Edison' - which is truly ironic, since Thomas Edison is one of the people who tried to steal my patents! Twice I defeated him, twice I won my patent back, and the second time he went and offered me a position at his company! Hah. The nerve.
INTERVIEWER 1
You didn't take it?
GRANVILLE
No. Fate has granted me troubles and challenges - but also incredible success. This latest feat of mine... Hubris never ends well, does it?
INTERVIEWER 1
What kind of hubris?
GRANVILLE
Dabbling in the power of creation...
(EXCITED INTERVIEWER GASP)
Which is why I am here. To get expert help getting out of this predicament. Although all I've seen so far are journalists running around like headless chicken, and I am sure, if I go down to your butcher shop, I'll see chicken running around like headless journalists!
INTERVIEWER 1
It might look chaotic, but behind every bead of sweat and every stain of ink, we run a foolproof system!
(SALINGER 1 BARGES IN, WITH JOE 1 FOLLOWING RIGHT BEHIND)
SALINGER 1
(IRATE)
Who is this fool!?
JOE 1
How was I to know!?
INTERVIEWER 1
Salinger, not now -
KOZLOWSKI
What has happened?
SALINGER 1
What's happened? I'll tell you what's happened! This idiot has ruined today's paper!
INTERVIEWER 1
What?! How did he manage that?
JOE 1
Well I needed something to wrap the bloody steaks in didn't I!
SALINGER 1
Before I got to the loading bay, this pinhead went and brought all of the newspapers into the butchers and started wrapping steaks in them! Then he put a thick layer of newspapers on the floor to soak up excess blood! Now I have thousands of newspapers covered in blood, and we can't sell a single one!
JOE 1
In my defence: It seemed like a really good idea!
INTERVIEWER 1
Well, we do a print run of eighty thousand copies, he can't have spilled blood on every single one?
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) I would not put it past him.
INTERVIEWER 1
Joe?!
JOE 1
Uh - Well they were really bloody…
SALINGER 1
I think you should come down and see for yourself, sir!
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER 1 (TO KOZLOWSKI)
Well, he's your apprentice.
KOZLOWSKI
Whom you told me to hire!
INTERVIEWER 1
Yes, but the butcher shop is your domain!
KOZLOWSKI
It is the newspaper that has a problem!
INTERVIEWER 1
(SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY) Ah!
KOZLOWSKI
The butcher shop is apparently doing fine. The blood has been cleaned up.
JOE 1
There is a tiny little bit of paper on the floor...
INTERVIEWER 1
Fine! I'll go sort out this mess!
(THE INTERVIEWER STORMS OUT)
SALINGER 1 (ON THE WAY OUT)
Now can we bolt the door shut? I've been saying, the butcher's stinks anyway!
JOE 1 (ON THE WAY OUT, TO HIMSELF)
How could I know...?!
(THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT BEHIND SALINGER AND JOE)
KOZLOWSKI
So. Where were we?
GRANVILLE
(SARCASTIC) You were running a fool proof system.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Uh… No system is proofed against stupidity, Mr. Woods.
GRANVILLE
You don't say.
KOZLOWSKI
Now would that make a neat segue back into your story?
GRANVILLE
Huh! I suppose.
KOZLOWSKI
Now… What did you invent?
GRANVILLE
In 1885, I patented an apparatus I called the "telegraphony". It is a combination of a telephone and a telegraph. It allows you to send voice and telegraph messages through Morse code over a single wire.
KOZLOWSKI
That sounds fascinating, but not likely to cause doomsday.
GRANVILLE
In 1887, I patented the Synchronous Multiplex Railway Telegraph which allows communications between train stations and moving trains.
I have dabbled in most anything mechanical or electrical throughout my career, but it has always been the idea of movement - of travel - that has interested me the most. I have been fascinated by how electrical signals can transmit information, how a telephone can transport a voice. Have you heard of the radio crystal detector? It was patented by Jagadish Chandra Bose eight years ago. He uses high frequency signals to send information wirelessly.
KOZLOWSKI
Wirelessly? As in through the air?
GRANVILLE
Guglielmo Marconi and Karl Ferdinand Braun were just awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics for developing a wireless telegraph system also using radio waves.
KOZLOWSKI
(INTRIGUED) Hm! And where are you going with this?
GRANVILLE
The telephone is an incredible invention! You can talk to someone miles away, communicate important work messages or just say "I love you"! But you wouldn't need to send your voice halfway across the world, would you, if you could simply... step into the room…
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS).
INTERVIEWER 2
Right. I'm back!
KOZLOWSKI
Did you sort out the mess?
INTERVIEWER 2
I did, and you have no idea how fast I was! I left the room, and quick as the wind I was down in the loading bay! I don't even remember going down the stairs!
KOZLOWSKI
And the newspapers?
INTERVIEWER 2
Well, there is a new print run coming in an hour. I gave them all an earful, mind you! Swore like a sailor! Fired three men on the spot!
KOZLOWSKI
That is unlike you.
INTERVIEWER 2
Yes, well… I think the circumstances demanded it.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, did you fire Joe?
INTERVIEWER 2
Without hesitation, yes.
KOZLOWSKI
Ha! Good riddance.
INTERVIEWER 2
So, where were we?
KOZLOWSKI
Mr. Woods was just about to tell me about his new invention.
INTERVIEWER 2
Please, continue where you left off.
GRANVILLE
What if you could move from any point on the planet to any other point in an instance?
INTERVIEWER 2
That would certainly be convenient. Especially in our line of work!
KOZLOWSKI
Hmm… But it is sadly impossible.
INTERVIEWER 2
Hm, indeed…
GRANVILLE
Is it? What if the body could travel via radio waves?
INTERVIEWER 2
(LAUGHS)
Yes, (SARCASTIC) “Radio waves”. That will not happen until the day pigs can fly!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wait... that's today!
KOZLOWSKI
Travelling via radio waves... It would be magic.
GRANVILLE
No. It would be teletransportation!
INTERVIEWER 2
Name me Lightning and call me a prize horse! Have you invented a machine that can "tele-transport" people?
GRANVILLE
I thought I had. In reality, I pulled a real boner.
INTERVIEWER 2
And here I was thinking omnibusing was novel!
KOZLOWSKI
How does it work?
GRANVILLE
To understand that, you have to fathom that there is no such thing as solid matter. If you look closely enough we are all just energy, everything is energy! And all we do, whether we push a train forward using electrical contactor rails, or filling a glass with seltzer, is re-arrange energy!
KOZLOWSKI
Interesting...
INTERVIEWER 2
Wait wait wait- You said "you thought you had" invented a teletransporter. Did you or did you not?
GRANVILLE
(SIGHS) A few weeks ago, just before I contacted you, the day had come to test my invention. I set up the sender of the teletransporter in my workshop and the receiver in my study. I turn it on and walk through the machine in the workshop, expecting, of course, to exit in the study.
INTERVIEWER 2
This was the first time you tried it?
GRANVILLE
Yessir.
INTERVIEWER 2
You were sure it was going to work?
GRANVILLE
Yessir.
INTERVIEWER 2
How?
GRANVILLE
I have invented hundreds of machines. I know if something will work or not. If the maths is right, if the mechanics are put together just so, the rest is duck soup!
INTERVIEWER 2
So what happened?
GRANVILLE
Walking through the machine, I was very surprised to find myself still in the workshop. So I go into the study to see if anything has happened to the receiver and I see... me.
(GASP!)
KOZLOWSKI
A copy.
GRANVILLE
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
You had forgotten to account for the original.
GRANVILLE
I was so focused on how the teletransporter sends your energy through space, how the vibrations need to be just right to make the energy manifest the other end - I didn't realise...
KOZLOWSKI
...it only reads your energy, it does not move it.
GRANVILLE
It's so obvious too! When you speak through a phone, you can still be heard by the people who are in the same room as you! But I... was blinded by hubris. I thought I was inventing the most important machine of all time!
KOZLOWSKI
And then you realised... that was exactly what you were doing.
INTERVIEWER 2
Imagine meeting yourself! What a treat! I've always wanted to meet myself!
GRANVILLE
No.
INTERVIEWER 2
If you're a decent chap, wouldn't it be great to have more of you around? Imagine all that you could get done!
KOZLOWSKI
It is a bad idea...
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh, come on! If there were two of you, Langston, you wouldn't need an apprentice!
GRANVILLE
You have to understand, what came out of that machine... wasn't me.
INTERVIEWER 2
It was a copy, potato, potahto...
GRANVILLE
When you print your newspaper, is every copy the same?
INTERVIEWER 2
Of course!
GRANVILLE
I mean really, truly identical?
INTERVIEWER 2
It's the same front page and the same news in every copy, so yes -
GRANVILLE
Yet every copy is different! If you just look close enough, you'll realise they can't be identical! Smudges of ink, the paper cut slightly askew... Variations! Some subtle, some large, but never identical!
INTERVIEWER 2
Fine, sure, but -
GRANVILLE (CON’T)
Copying a newspaper is relatively simple, there are few things overall that can vary. But size that up to a human! The variables are near infinite!
INTERVIEWER 2
Are you saying the man who exited the machine was, what, missing an ear? Had eleven toes?
GRANVILLE
He was evil, Mr. Interviewer. Just as smart as me... but evil.
KOZLOWSKI
How did you know?
INTERVIEWER 2
What did you do?
GRANVILLE
Well. My copy realised just as quickly as me what had happened. So he came at me with a letter opener. I was by the door to the workshop, so I ran out and got hold of a…
BEAT.
...a huge wrench. I knocked him on the noodle.
KOZLOWSKI
But you did not kill him?
GRANVILLE
I should have. But I panicked and ran out of the house. When I had gathered myself and went back, he was gone. And that's when I called you. I need to die before my copy does, well... anything at all! Before he starts creating havoc and chaos, people need to think I'm dead! I don't want my legacy tainted by that abomination!
INTERVIEWER 2
But he looks like you. So if we fake your death, and people later come across your copy, they'll assume he is you and that you faked your death, and then your plan fails! In fact I am confident he is walking around right now claiming to be you!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. Your copy will also consider himself the original.
GRANVILLE
How could he? He knows he was copied!
KOZLOWSKI
But your plan was to go through the teletransporter. He is the one who continued on your projected path. He will consider you... leftover material from the experiment.
GRANVILLE
I don't know what he will consider me as. Despite being a copy of me, I find it very hard to imagine what he might be thinking.
KOZLOWSKI
You are in lethal danger, Mr. Woods. Just like you don't want him to claim he is you, your copy will not want you to claim that you are him.
INTERVIEWER 2
You are the typeface, Mr. Woods. And he thinks of himself as the newspaper. The product, so to speak. If we faked your death, it would be to save your life.
GRANVILLE
Wa-wait! If you fake my death? Why wouldn't you!?
INTERVIEWER 2
Because killing your copy is a much smarter move!
GRANVILLE
I - ! Why!?
INTERVIEWER 2
Why would you give up the life you have ahead of you, Mr. Woods? Imagine how rich this invention will make you! You will be the wealthiest man on earth! Everyone will want access to this technology! Instant travel to other parts of the planet, imagine what that would do for business! Or for people wanting to reunite with loved ones! Then there are the copying properties! I could train one journalist, multiply him, and I'd have an instant newspaper!
GRANVILLE
Or you could train one soldier and have an instant army!
INTERVIEWER 2
Exactly! I mean! You would be insanely rich!
GRANVILLE
Did you not hear the part where I said the copies may come out evil!?
INTERVIEWER 2
Ach, a minor kink. The first prototype is never perfect. I mean, tinker with it some more, and you'll have solved that problem.
GRANVILLE
And if that's not possible?
INTERVIEWER 2
You know port authorities? There could be tele-port authorities! Screening everyone arriving via teletransporter. Hand out a questionnaire, anyone who ticks off "Yes, I intend to cause harm to other citizens" get bumped off.
GRANVILLE
What you are suggesting is inhumane.
INTERVIEWER 2
We live in a new world now, Mr. Woods. The moment you turned on your teletransporter for the first time, the rules changed. The word "humane" may have to be re-examined.
KOZLOWSKI
Do you really think that?
INTERVIEWER 2
Yes! I do!
GRANVILLE
Well, I don't want it! We can't have it! It is a doomsday machine!
INTERVIEWER 2
You said that. But I don't get it. It has moral implications, sure, but doomsday? Come on, seems a bit dramatic.
GRANVILLE
If humans start copying themselves over and over and over... Do you know what would happen?
INTERVIEWER 2
With many me's around, a lot more would get done!
GRANVILLE
Do you know what will happen if the human race reaches say... seven billion people? Eight? Ten billion people!?
INTERVIEWER 1
Great big party? No, I have no idea!
GRANVILLE
There's no space! We would see mass starvation. People would be living so close to each other, sanitary conditions would be impossible to uphold. Waste management? You can forget about it. We would see unprecedented spreading of disease. Gentlemen! It would mean the end of us.
KOZLOWSKI
Huh.
INTERVIEWER 2
Hm.
GRANVILLE
Do you know what they call a cell that indiscriminately copies itself?
INTERVIEWER 2
No?
KOZLOWSKI
It is called... cancer.
GRANVILLE
That's right Mr. Langston. I have invented a machine that makes humans into cancer. That was never my intention. I just wanted to give people the chance to travel quickly.
INTERVIEWER 2
So... break the machine then. Burn the blueprints. You don't need our help to do that, so why are you here?
GRANVILLE
Because I am afraid.
INTERVIEWER 2
Of your copy.
GRANVILLE
No. Of me.
KOZLOWSKI
Why are you afraid of yourself?
GRANVILLE
Because I can create a machine that can copy people! I have the greatest mind on the planet, and I have the means necessary to use it! And thus I can endanger the entire human species! Granville Tailer Woods needs to die, and I need to be a new person. Someone who wouldn't - who couldn't - create anything!
INTERVIEWER 2
Pardon me, Mr. Woods, but this makes no sense. No matter what new name and profession we gave you, you would still be a genius!
GRANVILLE
(WHY CHUCKLE) Not if you bring me back as a madman!
As a madman, if I start raving about creating machines that can send people through empty air, people will laugh at me! I'm not saying bring me back inside a loony bin, but maybe make me a village idiot! A man of little means. Just enough to get by. I could run a bicycle repair shop, to keep my hands busy.
KOZLOWSKI
The last time you were a man of little means, you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and became an inventor, a businessman and a man of significant means. Do you not think you would do that again, Mr. Woods?
GRANVILLE
Well, then what?
INTERVIEWER 2
The problem is the bike repair shop. You'll be bored, Mr. Woods. Two months in you would have invented an electrical bike, and you're right back in the game! Next thing we know, you are inventing ships that can travel to space, and then there's a war on Mars! No no no, we need to place you in a profession that will keep your mind busy and where you have fun - so you'll never be tempted to use your genius for anything too grand.
GRANVILLE
Like where?
INTERVIEWER 2
You've worked with fairground rides, you said?
GRANVILLE
Yessir. I powered a roller coaster using electricity.
INTERVIEWER 2
Well! How about we bring you back as a technician with a travelling funfair? You could repair and even improve on the steam-powered rides. Make the best electric fairground rides the world has ever seen. It would keep your mind busy, not just your hands.
GRANVILLE
I... would be really jazzed about that! It's a deal!
INTERVIEWER 2
Good!
GRANVILLE
So, did you receive my babies?
INTERVIEWER 2
I am afraid your children have not arrived yet. Were they sent ahead? Maybe they're sightseeing! Did they arrive with their nanny?
GRANVILLE
Nanny? Sightseeing? What? Nonono! The teletransporter! The sender and the receiver! My babies!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh, your machines! (LAUGHS) That makes a lot more sense!
KOZLOWSKI
If this machinery is so dangerous, why did you not destroy it right away? Why send it here?
GRANVILLE
To prove that I was speaking the truth, in case you didn't believe me.
KOZLOWSKI
You were going to demonstrate it?
GRANVILLE
If I had to.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, we have not seen it.
GRANVILLE
That is so bad. This is so, so bad! So, so, so bad! So, so, incredibly... Oh my God!
INTERVIEWER 2
Listen, relax, maybe it has arrived, and it is sitting down in the loading bay! I will go down and have a look for it, shall I? I’m sure it is perfectly fine.
GRANVILLE
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER 2
Back in a jiffy!
(THE INTERVIEWER 2 EXITS)
KOZLOWSKI
It will be fine.
GRANVILLE
You don't know that.
(THE INTERVIEWER 1 ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER 1
I'm back!
KOZLOWSKI
Already?
INTERVIEWER 1
Already? That took forever! Mr. Woods, I am so sorry for leaving in a rush in the middle of your interview! The incident down at the butcher shop did demand my attention, but then on the way down, Salinger and I met a person I just had to interview.
KOZLOWSKI
Another client? But you were only gone for a second?
INTERVIEWER 1 (CON’T)
Can you believe it - it was the engineer building the Titanic! He wanted us to run a feature on the project. Now he came for the newspaper, but I had a little chat with him in private... Salinger is with him now ironing out the details. Oh, you know, sinking ships might be a nice new sideline for us!
GRANVILLE
I'm sure that's great for you, but will you please go down and find my machine? I won't be able to relax until I know it is here.
INTERVIEWER 1
Hm? What machine?
GRANVILLE
My...? We were just talking about -
INTERVIEWER 1 (INTERRUPTS)
You know the weirdest thing just happened! When I finally got down to the butcher shop, the whole mess had been sorted out! But that apprentice of yours, Langston... This Joe fellow hasn't got his head screwed on right. He said I had already been down there and cussed at him!
KOZLOWSKI
Why is he still there? You fired him, did you not?
INTERVIEWER 1
Did I?
GRANVILLE
He said that you had already been down there and...
(GRANVILLE FINALLY NOTICES THE MACHINE PROPPED UP AGAINST THE DOOR)
Oh no... That's the machine. Propped up against the door. Oh no... We're all damned to hell!!! Noooo!
(GRANVILLE RUNS OVER TO THE MACHINE AND CLICKS THE BUTTON)
Turn off! TURN OFF! Why won't you turn off!? Quick, we've got to move it away from the door! Hngh! Hngh!
(GRANVILLE PUSHES THE MACHINE AWAY FROM THE DOORFRAME)
INTERVIEWER 1
What is going on?
KOZLOWSKI
My stomach just sank.
GRANVILLE
NO ONE WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR! You hear me!
INTERVIEWER 1
What is the matter? That doorframe arrived this morning. I have no idea -
KOZLOWSKI
That is the doomsday machine.
INTERVIEWER 1
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Is that not right, Mr. Woods?
GRANVILLE
Yes.
INTERVIEWER 1
The doorframe is a doomsdaymachine? Well you shouldn't worry, it doesn't work. I turned it on this morning and nothing happened!
GRANVILLE
It's been on since morning!? No! Where’s the receiver?
INTERVIEWER 1
I believe the other doorframe is down in the loading bay still, but -
GRANVILLE
Who has left this room? Who!? You just did, right! And you did earlier as well! That makes two. With that Salinger fellah! Nonono, that's three then... Oh, this is so bad!
INTERVIEWER 1
How does this thing work anyway?
GRANVILLE
We just told you! No, wait, we didn't! We told the original! You are the copy!
INTERVIEWER 1
I’m a copy?
GRANVILLE
Did you exit this room and suddenly find yourself in the loading bay?
INTERVIEWER 1
Uh - no...
GRANVILLE
Are you sure!??
INTERVIEWER 1
Well, fairly…
(INTERVIEWER 3 ENTERS. AUDIBLE GASPS)
INTERVIEWER ?
Oh my! Is that-
INTERVIEWER ?
Is that-
GRANVILLE
Oh heavens…
INTERVIEWER ?
I think you are- I mean I am-
INTERVIEWER ?
It is me!
GRANVILLE
I can’t-
INTERVIEWER ?
Is that what I look like?
(THEY BABBLE TO EACH OTHER FOR A BIT)
GRANVILLE
That’s too much.
INTERVIEWER 3
(SHUDDERS)
I tell you what’s weird! I just suffered a short memory loss! I went through this door, then the next thing I know I'm down in the loading bay!
GRANVILLE
That means you were just copied! You are a copy of this man.
INTERVIEWER 1
So this so called doomsdaymachine, it isn't a weapon? It doesn't cause explosions?
GRANVILLE
No. It copies people. When you walk through this sender, a copy of you exits the receiver, which apparently is down in the loading bay.
KOZLOWSKI
Anyone who has entered or exited this room has been copied.
GRANVILLE
Only the ones who have exited. It only works one way.
INTERVIEWER 3
Well, that's a relief!
GRANVILLE
(DESPERATE LAUGH) It’s not.
INTERVIEWER 1
So you are saying when I exited earlier - before I met the Titanic engineer - I was copied and this handsome gentleman appeared?
INTERVIEWER 3
Helloo!
GRANVILLE
Yes. No - wait - you've exited twice.
INTERVIEWER 3
I have, yes, since arriving this morning.
GRANVILLE
Not you - well you - but not you - oh dear!
(THE INTERVIEWER 2 ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER 2
Mr. Woods! Sorry it took so long. I had to fire Joe again. He claimed I never fired him in the first place, the impertinent little goop.
GRANVILLE
(VERY QUIETLY) Now there’s three of them…
INTERVIEWER 2 (CON’T)
And I didn't find your machine, I'm afraid. The only thing that is down in the loading bay is that doorframe which was delivered this morning. Oh! I see you've moved the frame that is in here. Your machine doesn't happen to look like a doorframe, does it? Why have you put those mirrors in here?
INTERVIEWER 1
Hullo.
INTERVIEWER 3
Toodeldoo!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh my God it's me!
INTERVIEWER 3
I must say, that is a hanging new bow tie!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh, stop it!
INTERVIEWER 1
I agree, that bow tie is hep!
GRANVILLE
Shut up everyone! We have to know who is the original! Who of you is the original?
INTERVIEWER 1
What does it matter? We're all fabulous!
GRANVILLE
We can't keep all of you! The copies have to go!
INTERVIEWER 3
Go? As in...?
INTERVIEWER 1
I think we are all one of a kind, aren't we?
INTERVIEWER 2
I would say so, yes!
GRANVILLE
No!
INTERVIEWER 1
I like my seltzer with a slice of lemon!
INTERVIEWER 2
I like mine with a slice of lime!
INTERVIEWER 1
Don't you like yours plain, Mr. Interviewer?
INTERVIEWER 3
Who? Me? Well, uh - no - eh -
INTERVIEWER 1
He does. We're all individuals. No killing necessary.
(GRANVILLE TRIES TO GET A WORD IN BUT NOT A CHANCE)
INTERVIEWER 3
Actually I am quite thirsty, do we have any seltzer? I have a headache.
GRANVILLE
Please listen here!
INTERVIEWER 2
A splitting one? Just behind the left ear?
INTERVIEWER 3
Mine is behind both ears!
INTERVIEWER 2
Can we have some seltzer please!
INTERVIEWER 1
(SERVES SELTZER) Here you go!
(THEY DRINK)
GRANVILLE
Who of you exited this room and found themselves suddenly in the loading bay?
INTERVIEWER 2
Not me.
INTERVIEWER 1
Not me.
INTERVIEWER 3
I did -
INTERVIEWER 2
(INTERRUPTS) Not. He did not.
GRANVILLE
I can't let you all live!
(THREE SALINGERS BARGE IN!)
SALINGER 1
Now listen here!
SALINGER 2
We demand an explanation!
SALINGER 3
Why are there three of us!?
GRANVILLE
Oh noooo!
SALINGER 2
This is your work!
INTERVIEWER 1 & 2 & 3 (TOGETHER)
Me?
SALINGER 2
All three of you! Wait - there's three of you too!?
SALINGER 1
My life was perfectly normal till I met you two!
SALINGER 3
(HAWKS) "Our" life was perfectly normal.
SALINGER 1
What?
SALINGER 3
You said "my life", it's "our life".
SALINGER 1
It's my life, I had only one life up until you arrived!
SALINGER 3
No, it's our life because all three of us experienced it!
SALINGER 2
Stop bickering and focus!
INTERVIEWER 2
Salinger, Salinger, Salinger... Hah! That's funny! Yes!
BEAT.
This is great isn't it? You always complain that you have too much to do, and here you are, three Salingers to share the workload! Isn't that just splendid!?
SALINGER 2
We thought so.
SALINGER 1
After the initial shock and confusion... we spread out to different departments.
SALINGER 2
Let's make the best of the situation, we said! I took charge of our investigative journalists.
SALINGER 3
I went straight for the recipes section and letters from the public.
SALINGER 1
I decided to oversee printing and distribution.
SALINGER 3
But the more we got done, the more problems we discovered!
SALINGER 2
The journalists are unhappy with their pay!
SALINGER 3
Rosa Lewis is suing us for printing her secret recipes!
SALINGER 1
The printing press says we haven't paid them for three months!
SALINGER 2
I used to just worry about the front page, now I have all these new things to worry about!
SALINGER 1
Why are you ruining my life!?
SALINGER 3
Our life.
SALINGER 2
Shut up! You're giving me a headache!
BEAT.
GRANVILLE
Oh the situation’s a mess. Do you see now?
INTERVIEWER 1
Uhm... What is that?
(THERE IS A DIN FROM OUTSIDE. THREE VOICES SHOUTING SLOGANS, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR)
JOE 1 & 2 & 3
(FROM OUTSIDE) Don't fire Joe's! Don't fire Joe's! Don't fire Joe's!
INTERVIEWER 2
It sounds like Joe.
(KOZLOWSKI OPENS THE DOOR)
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS)
What is going on?
JOE 1 & 2 & 3
(MARCHING IN)
Joe's are valuable! Joe's are valuable! We demand workers rights! We demand workers rights!
INTERVIEWER 3
There are three Joe's too!
(KOZLOWSKI SWEARING UNDER HIS BREATH IN TURKISH. IN THE MESS THAT FOLLOWS, IT IS NOT EASY TO UNDERSTAND. LOTS OF RETCHING)
SALINGER 3
Three of... This is too much, I feel sick...
(SALINGER 3 RETCHES)
SALINGER 2
(HURRYING)
Take the paper bin! Here, take it! Wait - oh -
(HE ALSO RETCHES)
(SALINGER 3 VOMITS INTO THE BIN. SALINGER 2 RETCHES MORE)
SALINGER 2
We have to share!
(SALINGER 2 AND SALINGER 3 TAKE TURNS VOMITING INTO THE PAPER BIN)
GRANVILLE
This is out of control...
KOZLOWSKI
We need to air this room…
INTERVIEWER 3
Joes! Why are you carrying placards and shouting slogans?
JOE 1
We formed a union!
JOE 2
A union of Joes!
JOE 3
It's called Joe's union!
ALL
A union of Joe’s is here to stay!
(THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER)
KOZLOWSKI
Oh this is insufferable…
INTERVIEWER 1
Why?
JOE 3
Because you fired us for us for no reason!
JOE 2
Twice!
JOE ?
You fired us once, you fired us twice, we’re not gonna take iiiit!
(THE OTHERS JOIN IN)
JOE 1
Workers have rights, you know!
JOE 2
Joes are people too!
JOE 3
And the health and safety around here is terrible!
JOE 2
We're missing six fingers and three toes between us!
JOE ?
We are Joe’s we are Joe’s, we demand all our fingers and toes!!!
(THE OTHERS JOIN IN)
GRANVILLE
Do you see NOW?
INTERVIEWER 1
Uhmmmm... Listen, Joes - please - settle down. We can negotiate terms later, but right now we have a client.
INTERVIEWER 2
Exactly! Let's focus on one thing at a time.
INTERVIEWER 3
Our first task is to figure out what kind of death to give Mr. Woods! I'm thinking something grand and spectacular - worthy of a great mind!
JOE 2
You're giving him a... death?
INTERVIEWER 3
Oh, never mind, Joe, we'll catch you up later.
INTERVIEWER 1
Mr. Woods! I think you should die falling off a speeding train, having climbed under it to fix a faulty break!
INTERVIEWER 2 (OVER HIM)
I think you should die riding an electrical bike up and down a peer, then you and the bike are accidentally blown into the sea by the wind and you get electrocuted!
INTERVIEWER 3 (OVER HIM)
I think you should die from a lightning strike, trying to harness the lightning using a 700 feet tall electro-catcher-umbrella!
GRANVILLE
No, no, no, NO! I don't want a spectacular death!
INTERVIEWER 3
But your legacy -
GRANVILLE
I need to pass into oblivion!
INTERVIEWER 3
Why?
GRANVILLE
Because there must be no keen eyes! No one must look closely at my demise. I don't want no one coming after me, and secondly… Yeah. I made something I shouldn't have. It seems wrong to celebrate that.
KOZLOWSKI
You do not feel like you deserve a grand death?
GRANVILLE
Yeah!
INTERVIEWER 2
But what about the automatic brake and the egg incubator?
GRANVILLE
Well if people want to remember me for the things that I made for good, great. But we can let those inventions speak for themselves.
INTERVIEWER 3
So then what?
JOE 2
Oh no.
KOZLOWSKI
What now?
JOE 2
I am bleeding from my left ear...
JOE 3
Me too!
INTERVIEWER 3
Well you all shouldn't have shouted so much.
JOE 2
I don't like blood...
KOZLOWSKI
You work in a butcher shop!
JOE 3
Me neither…
JOE 2
I don't like seeing my own blood...
(SQUIRT. JOE 2 AND 3 COLLAPSE)
INTERVIEWER 2
Two Joes down, one to go.
KOZLOWSKI
One down, two to go…
JOE 1
Treat Joe's better! Treat Joe's better!
(SALINGER 2 GETS UP FROM THE BUCKET, WIPING HIS MOUTH)
SALINGER 2
Oh, I needed to get that out of my stomach - wait - what's this? I'm also bleeding from my ear -
(SQUIRT. SALINGER 2 COLLAPSES)
SALINGER 3
Me too! Oh -
(SQUIRT. SALINGER 3 COLLAPSES)
KOZLOWSKI
Bye bye.
SALINGER 1
And we have two of me down too.
KOZLOWSKI
I think we just got the answer to how to kill you.
GRANVILLE
How?
KOZLOWSKI
Your machine has another flaw.
GRANVILLE
It does?
KOZLOWSKI
It appears that it produces intracerebral haemorrhages in the copies. Sudden bleeding into the tissues of the brain. Symptoms: Severe headaches followed by vomiting. Collapsing and bleeding from the ears. Finally, death.
SALINGER 1
That does not bode well for two out of… uhm, you three.
INTERVIEWER 1
What, us?
INTERVIEWER 2
I feel fine.
INTERVIEWER 3
Never better!
KOZLOWSKI
Your two copies might not die so soon. Not as soon as the others.
INTERVIEWER 1
No? Oh! Yes, I see. Right. Does that mean...?
KOZLOWSKI
You are a handful. I only have Patience for one of you.
INTERVIEWER 1
Hm. Of course.
INTERVIEWER 2
And which one of us do you have Patience for?
INTERVIEWER 3
I think the correct phrase would be "patience with" (SNORTS)
KOZLOWSKI
I will figure that out.
INTERVIEWER 1
Right.
INTERVIEWER 2
Hrm.
KOZLOWSKI
On a more positive note, Mr. Woods, I feel quite certain that your copy is already dead.
GRANVILLE
That's a relief... So, what now? Shall we get an axe and smash this thing!?
KOZLOWSKI
Not yet. We will fake your death Mr. Woods, and for that, we need your machine.
GRANVILLE
How?
KOZLOWSKI
You should die of an intracerebral haemorrhage. It is an inconspicuous medical condition, not traceable to your machine. And we do not need to worry about finding a replacement corpse - your machine will make it.
GRANVILLE
We will make another me - just so he can die?
KOZLOWSKI
Quietly, at home, attracting no keen eyes.
INTERVIEWER 1
Well done, Langston!
INTERVIEWER 2
Excellent plan indeed.
INTERVIEWER 3
Yes, very good.
GRANVILLE
Fine. We use the machine one more time. But that's it! After I'm gone, after you've set me up with this travelling fairground, and we have made my...
INTERVIEWER 2
-Replacement corpse.
GRANVILLE
Yes. And we have buried me - I want an unmarked grave, by the way - then you must promise me: The machine will be destroyed!
KOZLOWSKI
You have my word.
SALINGER 1
I will gladly help.
GRANVILLE
What about you?
INTERVIEWER 3
Me? Well, I... You already have Langston's word!
GRANVILLE
I need your word too!
INTERVIEWER 3
Very well, you have my word. We will destroy the moneymaker. I mean, doomsday machine.
GRANVILLE
All of you.
INTERVIEWER 2
You already have my word!
GRANVILLE
I don't! I have his word! I don't know which one of you will survive, I need all of your words!
INTERVIEWER 2
Okay, you have my word too.
GRANVILLE
Thank you...
INTERVIEWER 3
And mine.
GRANVILLE
You already gave yours?
INTERVIEWER 3
No, no, that wasn't me.
GRANVILLE
It was you - !
INTERVIEWER 3
No, that was him.
GRANVILLE
It wasn't, it was - ! Was it?
JOE 1
Oh - oh - oh - Langston!
KOZLOWSKI
What is it, Joe?
JOE 1
I forgot to mention - with being fired and forming a union and there being three of me and all, but - I think you'll be really proud of me!
KOZLOWSKI
How is that?
JOE 1
The beef!
KOZLOWSKI
What about it?
JOE 1
It sold really well!
KOZLOWSKI
Good job, Joe.
JOE 1
Oh, and I know you said not to open the crates that were nailed shut, but the other beef ran out, so -
(KOZLOWSKI GETS TO HIS FEET AND RUNS OUT, SWEARING)
JOE 1
(CALLS AFTER HIM) The crate meat is selling really well!
(PAUSE)
SALINGER 1
(FIRST A LITTLE CHUCKLE, SO A LARGER LAUGH, AND FINALLY A HUGE BELLY LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER 1
Are you OK, Salinger?
SALINGER 1
(NOT OKAY) Yeah, yeah... What do we do with a these bodies?
PAUSE.
INTERVIEWER 1
We got that industrial meat grinder, don't we?
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER 3
Today is the day pigs can fly. Imagine!
INTERVIEWER 2
Anyone for seltzer?
GRANVILLE
Ah, yes please
INTERVIEWER 2/1?
Here you go!
(THEY ALL DRINK)
INTERVIEWER 1
Now, seeing that there’s three of us, I was thinking that-
INTERVIEWER 3
Hm, oh!
INTERVIEWER 2
Tastes like blood…
INTERVIEWER 3
Oh, are you-
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh good lord, am I bleeding?
INTERVIEWER 3
Yes you are!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh sh-
(SQUIRT AND COLLAPSE)
INTERVIEWER 3
Oh dear…
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh well… Todellooo…
INTERVIEWER 3
Oh, uh, it’s coming out of my ear, what is it-
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, not you too…
(SQUIRT AND COLLAPSE)
INTERVIEWER 1
Well. There goes my Acapella group…
OUTRO THEME TUNE AND CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Grace Colum and featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewers, Tim Meredith as the Salingers, Ben Meredith as Joes, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, David S. Dear as Granville T. Woods, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner and music by Fredrik Baden. The episode was directed by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne. Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you so much to all our patrons who keep the lights on and the cocoa flowing, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Dr. Insanity, Bryce Godmer (Yeti), Grace Colum, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers and Courtney Mays Rensen. Thank you, you make a substantial difference to our lives.
For more info on the show and how to become a patron visit our website at ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
A FIELD IN SCOTLAND, PRESENT TIME.
(JACKIE IS TYPING ON HER PHONE)
JACKIE
Let's see... Wikipedia... Granville T. Woods.
(READING)
"Granville Tailer Woods, April 23rd 1856 to January 30, 1910, was an American inventor who held more than 50 patents in the U.S. -
MIA
Yeah, skip to the part about his death.
JACKIE
skimming
Let's see... "was referred to by some as the "Black Edison" - hmhm - here: "Woods died of a cerebral haemorrhage at Harlem Hospital in New York City on January 30, 1910. Until 1975, his resting place was an unmarked grave."
MIA
Huh.
BEAT.
So what happened to the copying machine?
KOZLOWSKI
Hm?
MIA
The copying machine. What happened to it?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, we destroyed it. It was much too dangerous to keep.
MIA
If you'd kept it and sold it you'd have made a mint.
KOZLOWSKI
From a financial point of view we should have done that. The Daily Phoenix did not last for long. Once the war broke out...
JACKIE
Yeah, what happened to the Brotherhood during World War 1?
KOZLOWSKI
The Daily Phoenix was primarily staffed by young men. In 1916 the UK government applied conscription, and the newspaper fell apart.
JACKIE
What about the death faking business?
KOZLOWSKI
Most of our disappearances were cancelled. At wartime, people tend to be more concerned with surviving the life they have, than looking for a new one.
BEAT.
We were not the best of friends either... All things considered, I think the 1910s and the 1920s might have been the worst we have ever been.
MIA
You didn't have any clients?
KOZLOWSKI
A few. We faked William Elsworth’s death via bullet catch in 1918, and we helped Agatha Christie disappear for a while in 1926. But mostly, we were living off savings. We did not get the company back on its feet until Amelia Earhart took over the reins.
MIA
Yeah, we know that story. Keep going back.
KOZLOWSKI
Of course. Let us move to the late 1800s...
END OF EPISODE.