EPISODE 65 - JACK
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Cliff Huizenga who has been an Amelia patron for almost two and a half years, and has even snuck onto the show occasionally. In episode 56 for example, the INTERVIEWER’s utterance “Well crack my skull and call me an omelette” was submitted by Cliff as part of a Patreon competition. And if you listened to the Amelia Audio Advent Calendar, you will have heard Cliff’s very funny cameo as helicopter pilot Bud. Thanks for all your support Cliff!
And now, on with the show.
PROLOGUE - THE CEMETERY IN MONTMARTRE
ALVINA
We must be coming up on Victorian times soon! I've always loved that period. Charles Dickens; Tale of Two Cities, A Christmas Carol, Nicholas Nickleby... I've read them all, many times even!
INTERVIEWER
Nicholas Nickleby really wasn't as nice a chap as Dickens made him out to be. And Ebenezer Scrooge had an acerbic wit! Quite the jokester, used to have the crowd in stitches wherever he went! But that didn't fit Charles' story that well, so...
ALVINA
You're suggesting these were real people? Are you sure you're not confusing fiction and real life again?
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(SIGH) I guess I might be...
ALVINA
Don't worry. Just tell the stories, and we'll try to separate fiction from fact as we go along.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Right. Oh, I can tell you about one case though that I'm confident did actually happen!
ALVINA
Who's the client? Oooh! Please Say it's Queen Victoria! That would be so exciting!
INTERVIEWER
No, no... No-one so fancy, I'm afraid. No, this was a common London cabbie. Although - at the end of the day, there was nothing common about him at all...
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 65 - JACK. 1888
LONDON, 1888
A sitting room on the second floor. Outside the window, on the street below, we can hear the hustle and bustle of a busy Victorian street.
Footsteps coming up the stairs. A knock on the door.
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(A DOOR OPENS)
Congratulations! Welcome to the - Have we met?
JACK
I don't think so.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. You look familiar. Anyhow, you found us!
JACK
It certainly seems like I did.
INTERVIEWER
No, I mustn't forget! The code word?
JACK
"I come seeking Janus."
INTERVIEWER
(HAPPILY) Hahahah! It always sounds like something else... But yes, the two faced god, the god of transitions, good good good. Welcome to The Brotherhood of the Phoenix! This meeting isn’t happening.
JACK
Better that way, for sure.
INTERVIEWER
If you’re not serious about this, you may leave...
JACK
Oh, I’m very serious indeed - This is in fact the most serious I've ever been in my life.
INTERVIEWER
If you take one more step into this room there’s no way back!
(PAUSE)
(JACK TAKES ONE STEP FORWARD)
Good choice! A new life awaits.
JACK
Thank Jove! You see, I have done something really, extraordinarily dreadful -
INTERVIEWER
We'll get to all that. Please, have a seat. Your name?
(JACK SITS DOWN. THE INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE DOOR AND ALSO SITS)
JACK
Carl. Carl Granton. Thanks for seeing me.
INTERVIEWER
You’re welcome, Mr. Granton.
JACK
Call me Carl.
INTERVIEWER
How was your journey?
JACK
Fine, although I don't see why I had to travel across London dressed as an old lady.
INTERVIEWER
Well, secrecy is of the utmost importance.
JACK
Of course, I’m just not that used to wearing skirts. I had a hard time not stumbling. Had to pretend I was arfarfan'arf at ten in the morning.
INTERVIEWER
Smart move.
JACK
Thank you for inviting me into your home.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I don’t live here! No, no, no. This is just my office!
JACK
Then why can I see dirty plates and cutlery?
(HE TRIES TO SNEAKILY PUT IT AWAY BUT DOES NOT SUCCEED. HE TRIES TO CLEAN UP IN THE FOLLOWING CHAT BUT GIVES UP)
INTERVIEWER
I work late. I get hungry.
JACK
There is also loungewear in a heap on the floor?
INTERVIEWER
Yes... I... often sleep at work.
JACK
You have the sheet music to “Home! Sweet home!” by John Howard Payne and Sir Henry Bishop lying on your table.
INTERVIEWER
Hm! Singing helps me think!
JACK
About home?
INTERVIEWER
Would you like a cup of tea?
JACK
Call me crazy, but I've never cared that much for tea.
INTERVIEWER
You don't care for tea? Are you not an Englishman?
JACK
Bitter just isn't my taste. I've been known to frequent the chocolate houses when I'm thirsty.
INTERVIEWER
Chocolate? So - you're willing to pay through your nose, first simply to be let in, and then again for a sip of what looks like mud and smells like a flatulent dog?
JACK
I believe hot chocolate is a divine drink, fit for the gods, in taste and smell.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Not my gods, that's for sure.
JACK
Besides, on the point of finances, I do tend to enter with shillings and leave with sovereigns!
INTERVIEWER
How?
JACK
Gambling! There's always a game going on at White's.
(SHUFFLES CARDS)
INTERVIEWER
Most people who go to White's leave with less money than they entered with. That's normally how gambling works.
JACK
Every game has to have a winner.
INTERVIEWER
And that winner is you?
JACK
I don't mean to boast about my merits, but I have yet to enter a game of cards I cannot win.
INTERVIEWER
You have an ambitious belief in your own luck.
(MORE CARD SHUFFLING)
JACK
Luck has nothing to do with it. Take my last game as an example. Just over a month ago, I played against a man at White's. He and I got through thirteen rounds of Draw Poker, and I won every single one. Poor fellow, I emptied his pockets that night, and more. He had to borrow money to pay me, poor sod!
INTERVIEWER
Blimey! What's your secret? Or perhaps you'd rather not tell me?
JACK
I might as well, you couldn't repeat it anyway.
INTERVIEWER
No?
JACK
No.
(KNOCKS THE CARDS ON THE TABLE)
I could read his face. He had the tiniest twitch at the mouth when he had good cards, but twitched the other side of his mouth when his cards were bad.
INTERVIEWER
Interesting. I won't suggest we play then, I'm sure you could see right through me! I whistle 'Away, Away! My Heart's On Fire' when I'm doing well and Brahms' 'Tragic Overture' when I'm doing badly.
JACK
So, if you are not a chocolate drinker, I don't suppose any will be on the menu?
INTERVIEWER
I have never tried a hot chocolate, and I swear to Jove I never will! Chocolate drinkers with their brown, stained hands... Yuck!
JACK
It doesn't have to spill.
INTERVIEWER
I'll stick to Veuve Clicquot, thank you very much.
JACK
So it isn't the price you object to, you just want to be half-rats!
INTERVIEWER
I will pay good money for anything that sparkles in the glass, and then continues to sparkle in my head.
JACK
So... champagne?
INTERVIEWER
Only if I decide to help you.
JACK
I'll wait patiently.
BEAT.
Though with what happened to you in Afghanistan, I don’t understand how you can afford such an expensive habit?
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
JACK
My apologies, I didn't mean to pry.
INTERVIEWER
How on earth did you know about Afghanistan?
JACK
Never mind that. We're here to talk about my misfortune, not yours.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Yes... Rather.
JACK
(A LITTLE AMUSED) But when we get to the champagne, do let me know if you need help pouring! Sorry, go ahead.
INTERVIEWER
Eh... So, what is it you have done that’s so dreadful?
JACK
(SHAKY)I seem to have murdered five people.
INTERVIEWER
What? Why?
JACK
I didn’t mean to.
INTERVIEWER
Stuff me like a sausage! How do you murder someone without meaning to?
JACK
Honestly, I don’t know.
INTERVIEWER
You don’t know?
JACK
No. At the time, I was asleep.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... Please explain.
JACK
It was the first of September and I woke up feeling rather all right. The sun was shining through my window and the birds were singing. It felt like it was going to be such a wonderful day. I blink and I rub my eyes and then I notice something on my hands - these dark spots all over my skin -
INTERVIEWER
Chocolate stains, was it?
JACK
No. I realize my hands are covered in blood.
(A CHURCH BELL RINGS IN THE DISTANCE)
INTERVIEWER
Were you hurt?
JACK
Not a scratch. The blood couldn't have been mine.
INTERVIEWER
It might have been a nose bleed.
JACK
There was no blood under my nose. I hurried into the bath and washed my hands. Then I tried to remember what I’d done the night before.
INTERVIEWER
Had you been smothering a parrot? I've heard too much Absinthe can cause blackouts.
JACK
I don't drink Absinthe. And I hadn’t been in a fight or anything like that. I’d been at home and playing the violin.
INTERVIEWER
You play the violin!?
JACK
Surely that is not the most shocking element of my tale.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, please continue.
JACK
I had a glass of milk, then I went to bed.
INTERVIEWER
How curious. It could have been a prank? Someone pouring pig's blood on your hands to give you a scare?
JACK (INTERRUPTING)
I considered that, but I can't imagine anyone who would want to pull such a nasty trick on me. I don’t really have that many friends.
INTERVIEWER
Enemies then?
JACK
I have none of those either. I pay my rent on time, I keep to myself...
INTERVIEWER
Unhappy customers? What's your profession?
JACK
Nowadays I work as a cabbie.
INTERVIEWER
You sound a bit posh for a cabbie?
JACK
There's upbringing, and then there's circumstances. What can I say... Life led me here. And I don't mind. I get to ride around London, I’ve got my own hansom and an old horse.
INTERVIEWER
And only happy customers? I've been angry at many a cabbie. They always seem to take the longest possible route just to up the fare!
JACK
(SLIGHTLY OFFENDED) I know every street in London, and I take pride in knowing the fastest way to get from any point of departure to any point of arrival.
INTERVIEWER
What about the man you beat in Draw Poker? I'm sure he would have been quite annoyed with you?
JACK
Enough to sneak into my house and pour pig's blood on my hands?
INTERVIEWER
Well you know- (SOBERS) I suppose it is a rather extreme form of vengeance.
JACK
Besides, if he wanted his money back, robbing me would have made more sense.
INTERVIEWER
So, is that it? You woke up once with bloody hands and can't remember what happened, and for some reason you've drawn the conclusion you've killed a number of people?
JACK
Five. That wasn't the end of it.
INTERVIEWER
Wha- What happened?
JACK
I proceeded to go about my business as usual. But my first customer was this church-bell who wouldn't stop talking. She went on and on about this awful news she'd read about in the paper. (IMITATING THE HYSTERIC WOMAN) 'There’s been a murder!' she said. 'A truly 'orrible one! A harlot's been found mutilated down Buck’s Row!'
INTERVIEWER
Buck’s Row?
JACK
You probably heard about it.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... Go on.
JACK
I try to think nothing of it. I attempt to convince myself the incident that morning didn't happen, that it was only a bad dream. But then a week later, the same thing happens again!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly the same?
JACK
I wake up and all my clothes are soaked with blood. My old deerstalker is lying next to my bed, though I can’t remember putting it there, and the hat’s got blood on it too.
INTERVIEWER
If my memory serves, this incident must have corresponded with the second Whitechapel murder?
JACK
It did. Then comes the 1st of October. Another two women are murdered! Prostitutes, like the first two. Imagine! Two in one night! And again I wake up fully dressed, covered in blood.
INTERVIEWER
And you can’t remember anything from these nights?
JACK
I cannot.
INTERVIEWER
Hm... But you said five. That’s only four.
JACK
Have you read the papers today?
INTERVIEWER
It happened again?
JACK
I only just managed to scrub off the blood before I had to leave to get here on time. Now, this one is even more gruesome than the rest they say.
INTERVIEWER
But then- Why come to us now, and not before?
JACK
I only found out about you a few days ago. Plus, the Peelers have just started asking questions around my neighborhood. I'm expecting the knock on my door any day now, and then I'll be grinning at the daisy roots before you know it.
INTERVIEWER
But the police would have no proof tying you to the murders?
JACK
I was asleep when I did it, I could have left behind any number of clues! It’s only a matter of time before the Peelers find something that points in my direction!
INTERVIEWER
Now, first of all, we don’t know if it was you who did it.
JACK
Then where did the blood come from?
INTERVIEWER
Somebody might be trying to frame you.
JACK
Every one of these mornings, there has been mud on the wheels of my hansom! And I clean my hansom every night when I come home.
INTERVIEWER
But... The mud could be from anywhere.
JACK
It could be, but it wasn’t. It was from Whitechapel.
INTERVIEWER
How do you know?
JACK
I know the color and smell of every type of mud in London.
INTERVIEWER
That’s... (CONFUSED) impressive. Maybe somebody borrowed your hansom whilst you were asleep?
(GRASPING AT STRAWS NOW)
JACK
My horse won’t listen to anyone but me. And before you suggest they had their own horse - her hooves were covered in exactly the same mud as the wheels.
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure it was blood though? It could have been some sort of... paint?
JACK
I know it was blood.
INTERVIEWER
How?
JACK
I tested it.
INTERVIEWER
You tested it?
JACK
You might not believe this, but in my spare time I dabble in chemistry.
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) Chemistry?
JACK
I wasn't always a cabbie. I apprenticed at an apothecary. But I fell out with the chemist. He was a quack, and I told him so - upon which he threw me out and made sure everyone knew I wasn't fit for the trade. I couldn't get another apprenticeship if I begged for it.
INTERVIEWER
But you haven't given up on your dream of working at an apothecary?
JACK
It's not the apothecary work I'm interested in, it's the science!
(proud and excited) I have found a re-agent which is precipitated by hemoglobin, and by nothing else!
INTERVIEWER
Come again?
JACK
I have discovered a re-agent which is precipitated -
INTERVIEWER
I heard you the first time. I'm not going to get it even if you repeat it a hundred times.
JACK
Suffice to say, I can prove if something is blood or not.
INTERVIEWER
I see. Well, it might still not have been you. There’s no murder weapon!
(THE STRAWS ARE GETTING THINNER)
JACK
I found my old surgical knife under the bed. Covered in blood.
INTERVIEWER
Fine! I give up! You’re JACK the Ripper!
JACK
I’m sorry.
Now you know why I'm here. I need a new identity. I don’t want to be a murderer!
INTERVIEWER
Yes but... How is a new identity going to help?
JACK
Don't you craft new lives?
INTERVIEWER
We do, but I can only work with what I've got. And in your case, I can't see how giving you a new name and a new profession will stop you from brutally murdering prostitutes!
JACK
But -
INTERVIEWER (CON'T)
Say we make you a pastor in Skegness or a postman in Trowbridge, chances are you'll wake up again, caked in blood reading about gruesome murders in the local paper!
JACK
So... you can't help me? For I can't live with this, you know! I don't know what else to do. If I am going to keep killing, then... I better just off myself! The sooner I am gone, the better! If I give myself up to the Peelers, they'll have me dance upon nothing by the end of the month, I'm sure.
INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)
Now, now, no need to go to such extremes! Let us first try to figure out what's really going on. If we can solve that mystery, then perhaps we can do something about it!
JACK
You think that is possible?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) For the Brotherhood of the Phoenix nothing is impossible! The game is afoot!
JACK
Fine, then how do we go about it?
INTERVIEWER
I have a theory. We seem to be faced with some kind of sleepwalking.
JACK
Yes, that seems the most likely option.
INTERVIEWER
The question is what’s causing it. Do you bear any resentment to women at all? Prostitutes?
JACK
None at all.
INTERVIEWER
How’s your relationship with your mother?
JACK
She’s passed away, poor thing. She was a lovely woman.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. So you’re not living out a revenge fantasy, and it’s not a subconscious Oedipal Complex.
JACK
Oedipal Complex? As in Oedipus, King of Thebes?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It's just a theory my friend Sigmund is working on. No, I think I need to know more about you... What do you do when you are not riding a cab or gambling in a chocolate house?
JACK
Apart from the chocolate houses, I don't really attend the social circle.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? Why not?
JACK
People don't like that I know so much about them.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
JACK
I'll show you...
(CHAIR CREAKS AS HE LEANS FORWARD)
I'm sorry about your loss. Were the two Italians close friends of yours? And how is the business going without your strongmen at hand?
INTERVIEWER
(SAD AND SURPRISED) Giovanni and Santo!
JACK
I’m sorry if I upset you, I just needed to prove my point. When people learn that I can do that... they'd rather not have me around.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIET AND BAFFLED) But how did you know about Giovanni and Santo...?
JACK
The same way I knew that you'd been to Afghanistan. I looked at you.
INTERVIEWER
Ride me like a pony! What did you see?
JACK
I’ll have to think about it to explain that... Observation with me is second nature, you see. From long habit, the train of thoughts ran so swiftly through my mind, that I arrived at the conclusion without being conscious of any steps in between.
INTERVIEWER
Really?
JACK
There were steps like that, though. The train of reasoning ran, ‘Here is a gentleman who has just come from the tropics, for his face is dark, and that is not the natural tint of his skin, for his wrists are fair.
His left arm has been injured. He holds it in a stiff and unnatural manner. Where in the tropics could an Englishman have seen much hardship and got his arm wounded? Clearly in Afghanistan. He is not a military man, though, for he doesn’t stand like one. So why was he in Afghanistan?
INTERVIEWER
Why was I?
JACK
To help a General disappear.
INTERVIEWER
You even know it’s a General!?
JACK
That is a guess, really, it could have been a diplomat of some sort, but that would not have brought you so close to the front lines. It was not a lower ranking officer, for they could not have afforded your services. Hence it was most likely a General.
INTERVIEWER
Blimey! And my two colleagues?
JACK
From your build and thin fingers, it is easy to see that you are not the fighting type. I can imagine making people disappear is a tough business where you can get into all sorts of trouble. Plus, there will be the odd corpse to carry around, to replace the person who is about to live on. Best to employ some henchmen. There are three coat hangers in the hallway, but only one with a coat on it, yet marks on the floor from two sets of heavy boots, not yours. The boots were of an Italian make, only really popular with Italians and only available on the continent. You clearly lost two men in a recent disappearance that went wrong. I’m sorry for your loss.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... Thank you... That was very impressive!
JACK
Oh, I don’t know about that. Some people are good at falconry or racket ball. I am good at this.
INTERVIEWER
Anyone can improve their skills at racket ball with enough practice. But no normal person would be able to do what you just did.
JACK
I guess I’ve never been quite normal.
INTERVIEWER
I can see why people don't like being around you. It must get lonely?
JACK
It's fine by me. I prefer my own company, my own studies.
INTERVIEWER
So you just stay at your lodgings?
JACK
I like to go to the theater. I enjoy being entertained.
INTERVIEWER
What do you like to see? Operas, maybe?
(SINGS) "Home! Sweet home!":
Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam
JACK
(TRYING TO INTERRUPT) I- I mean-
INTERVIEWER (KEEPS SINGING. CARL SIGHS)
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home
A charm-
JACK (MANAGES TO DISRUPT)
I will attend the opera, yes. And I adore a good violin recital. But I must admit I have a particular interest in conjurers and magicians.
INTERVIEWER
(PIQUED) Magicians you say?
JACK
I like figuring out how their tricks are done.
INTERVIEWER
Using yours skills of deduction?
JACK
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
I see.
BEAT.
Oh dear... Oh no- Did you by any chance go to see any hypnotists lately?
JACK
As a matter of fact, I did.
(INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
Three weeks ago or so I went to The Egyptian Hall at Piccadilly to see a hypnotist named The Magnificent Eugene Bekhterev.
INTERVIEWER
(WITH DREAD) Hmhmhm... And he brought you on stage.
JACK
How did you know? Do you also have powers of deduction?
INTERVIEWER
I was there. I thought I'd seen you before. Tell me what happened.
JACK
If you were there, you saw what happened.
INTERVIEWER
Why did you volunteer to go on stage?
JACK
I was curious what he did to the people being hypnotized, what happened behind that screen.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I remember the screen. What did happen?
JACK
I remember him whispering something in my ear, but for the life of me I cannot remember what. Then the next thing I know, I am standing in the middle of the stage and everyone is laughing at me. To this day I do not know what I did.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) He had you cluck like a chicken.
JACK
He must be good. (INTERVIEWER HUMS) I have no idea how he did that. Normally, I can work it all out.
INTERVIEWER
I'm so sorry, Johnathan. There was no way we could know this would happen.
JACK
What... what are you talking about?
INTERVIEWER
There is no Eugene Bekhterev.
JACK
I'm sorry?
INTERVIEWER
About a month ago, a man approached us, desperate to escape. He had accrued large gambling debts; debts that would ruin many lives, not just his own. His creditors threatened to go after anyone he cared about to get their money. This man, he'd had problems with gambling before, it ended his first marriage, estranged him from his family, but for a few years he'd had his habit under control. Things were looking up, he had a lovely fiancé, a job. Then suddenly, he lost control again. And although I don't know for certain, I assume the moment he slipped back into his old habits and started the fateful, downwards spiral must have happened at a certain... chocolate house.
JACK
This is a joke, surely? Don’t sell me a dog!
INTERVIEWER
I am not. We took on his case. He seemed like such a lost soul - yet he had such a striking personality! Bright, intense eyes! And a most fascinating subject of interest for his pastime.
JACK
(WITH DREAD NOW TOO) Let me guess. Hypnotism?
INTERVIEWER
Hypnotism. He had never pursued it professionally, but in his new life he'd like to give it a go as a vocation.
JACK
So you set him up as The Magnificent Eugene Bekhterev.
INTERVIEWER
He named himself after the famous hypnotists Étienne Azam and Vladimir Bekhterev. I normally never disclose information about past clients, but under the circumstances...
JACK
So you are suggesting this gentleman hypnotized me into killing these women as revenge for leading him back to gambling? He got a whole new life out of it, one in which he got to pursue his dream, no less!
INTERVIEWER
Well I suppose the mind of a vengeful person doesn't work quite like yours or mine. But, there is also the matter of everything he lost. When we faked his death, he had to leave behind his new fiancé, whom he loved very dearly. I do remember he was very upset about that.
JACK
Why didn't he hypnotize me there and then, at White's?
INTERVIEWER
That was before everything went out of control.
JACK
I mean before the game, to win!
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Well, that was too noisy. Too many people watching. Yes, you see, in preparing for the stage show, I learned that he needs the most particular of circumstances to be able to hypnotize. Hence the screen.
JACK
I don't believe this.
INTERVIEWER
It is true!
JACK
I don't doubt that you had such a client, but Eugene Bekhterev is not the same person that I played Draw Poker with at White's just over a month ago!
INTERVIEWER
Oh? Why are you so certain?
JACK
I saw them both up close! I would have recognized him! My perception and memory is second to none, I have already proven this to you. I always remember a face!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, but you wouldn't remember this one.
JACK
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
My colleague. He is a surgeon. He is a master at changing faces.
JACK
A surgeon? No, I saw this man up close, there was no sign of any kind of operation.
INTERVIEWER
You… wouldn’t have seen any. We’re the best in the business.
(PAUSE.)
JACK
A master at changing faces?
INTERVIEWER
After he was done with our client, no one could have recognized him. The Magnificent Eugene Bekhterev appeared with a completely new visage.
JACK
I'll be damned.
BEAT.
So... what do we do? Can we find him, get him to reverse what he’s done to me?
INTERVIEWER
I’m afraid that’s impossible.
JACK
You said for the Brotherhood of the Phoenix nothing is impossible! I realize he’s probably miles away, perhaps even in another country. And even if we could find him, he wouldn’t voluntarily reverse what he’s done…
(SHUFFLES CARDS AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
I don't think he would have, no.
JACK
...but we can threaten him!
INTERVIEWER
That won't work.
JACK
Why wouldn’t threatening him work? I’m not one for unnecessary violence, but if the situation calls for it -
INTERVIEWER
Well, I don't have any henchmen anymore -
JACK
I'm sorry about your loss, we can find new henchmen! Or actually, blast the henchmen, I'm a decent boxer, I'll punch him up myself! Challenge him to a fight!
INTERVIEWER
Threatening him won't work.
JACK
Why. Not.
INTERVIEWER
He's dead.
(CARDS FALL)
JACK
What?
INTERVIEWER
The show at the The Eygptian Hall went beyond all expectations. Sold out several nights in a row. Bekhterev made a fortune. But, though we had provided him with a new identity, we hadn't managed to remove the old one.
JACK
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Once he got his share of the takings, he drank himself up the pole and proceeded to gamble away the whole lot. Lost more than he had earned, proceeded to shake a flannin' and... was knocked dead by some half-hour gentleman.
JACK
That might not be true! He could have faked his death again!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no man fakes his death in this city without me knowing about it.
JACK
So I'm screwed then? I will have to go on forever killing poor night flowers, who have done nothing to me? You might as well hang me here and now!
INTERVIEWER
Now now, come on now. No. We need to get you to a hypnotherapist.
JACK
You think this can be reversed by someone else?
INTERVIEWER
Only by an exceptionally good hypnotherapist. Yes, we need the very best. Luckily, I may just happen to know the right person...
JACK
Who?
INTERVIEWER
I’ll write to my friend Sigmund right this minute. We'll see if he’s in London any time soon. Even if he hasn't planned a trip, I'm sure a case like yours will interest him enough to make him change his schedule.
JACK
What happens until he arrives? It could still take weeks and I might commit more murders!
INTERVIEWER
Hmmm… We'll lock you up.
JACK
Yes. I suppose that is the only way.
INTERVIEWER
Once all that is out of the way you can go straight back to your old life, as if nothing ever happened. I don’t think we need to bother with a new identity, do we?
JACK
Not bother...? The whole city of London is looking for the Whitechapel Murderer! Even if I stop killing now, five murders have already been committed!
INTERVIEWER
That’s true.
JACK
Then there's the question of salvation.
INTERVIEWER
Salvation?
JACK
I need to cleanse myself of these deeds! The guilt is killing me! But if I got a fresh start, a new life... If I could only redeem myself somehow... But there is no way to do that is there?
INTERVIEWER
Hm… I shall have to think... Tick tock, pick a lock, kiss a horse at tea time... Suck me like an egg! I think I’ve got it!
JACK
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
What if you could counteract your accidental evil deeds with conscious good ones?
JACK
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
What if you could do that to such a measure, that not only would you achieve balance, you would end up with a surplus of good deeds?
JACK
How do you see that happening? How do I counteract five gruesome murders!?
What kind of identity would that be, where I could exact that measure of good?
INTERVIEWER
What if you came back...
JACK
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
...as...
JACK
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
...a detective?!
JACK
A Peeler!?
INTERVIEWER
I had something rather different in mind. Something new.
JACK
What?
INTERVIEWER
A consulting detective.
JACK
What’s that?
INTERVIEWER
Well, it would be a person who aids the police or anyone who needs it in solving a particularly difficult crime. A person who would use their intelligence to see connections that are missed by others. It would be someone with an uncanny ability for deduction... Someone... like you!
JACK
A consulting detective?
INTERVIEWER
As a detective, I reckon you would be able to look at all the facts, and deduce the only trajectory that could possibly lead to that very outcome. You could use your background in chemistry to aid your investigation. And your knowledge of the mud in London for that matter!
JACK
I know a thing or two more than that, which might astound some people. My knowledge in certain areas is - I don’t like to toot my own horn, but - it’s encyclopedic.
INTERVIEWER
You might just start a revolution in forensic science!
JACK
And this will redeem me, you think?
INTERVIEWER
In your new profession you will be solving crimes and putting criminals behind bars! Through that work, you will be saving lives, many more lives than the ones you have unwillingly taken.
JACK
And this will make the Gods look down upon me less harshly when the day comes?
INTERVIEWER
I should think so.
JACK
Then I’m all dedicated to your plan!
INTERVIEWER
You like it!?
JACK
I think it's bang up to the elephant! It excites me! Greatly, even!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, goody!
JACK
So when can we begin my transformation? I suppose this face-surgeon of yours should do some work on me?
INTERVIEWER
Hold on. First we need to establish how you are going to pay.
JACK
I can’t.
INTERVIEWER
You can’t?
JACK
No. I haven’t got any money, I’m just a cabbie.
INTERVIEWER
Then why on earth did you come here!?
JACK
Out of desperation! Though once I came inside, I knew you’d take my case.
INTERVIEWER
How? Oh of course… deduction.
(CARL LIGHTS A PIPE)
JACK
You are living out of your office. You just lost half your team. You need my business - any business - to get back on your feet.
INTERVIEWER
You are too good... So what do you propose?
JACK
As a consulting detective I’ll need some sort of headquarters. How about... here?
INTERVIEWER
Here?
JACK
We can go halves on the rent. These digs aren’t too bad, and with your expensive champagne habit, you need someone to share the rent with.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I guess 221B Baker Street is a decent enough address for a consulting detective...
JACK
Besides, you could do with a front for The Brotherhood of the Phoenix. And what better front than being the trusty companion of a new master detective!
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, are you proposing that I become your companion?
JACK
Only as a front, you see. And it might turn out to be quite fun...! You can help me with my cases, then I consult on your disappearances!
INTERVIEWER
Well, this is quite the surprise! First you come in here desperately begging for my help, now you're asking me to partner up!
JACK
Well, what do you say?
INTERVIEWER
I suppose some additional company would be nice. The disappearance business can get rather lonely.
JACK
Now please don't misunderstand, I don't mean to take the place of your friend. In fact I rather look forward to meeting him!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I'm sure the two of you would have a lot to talk about. Medicine and science and whatnot.
JACK
Great! I think we have settled on something!
INTERVIEWER
Huh!
JACK
You don’t mind the smell of strong tobacco, I hope?
INTERVIEWER
I always smoke ‘ship’s’ myself.
JACK
That’s good enough. Let me see, what are my other shortcomings... I get in the dumps at times, and don’t open my mouth for days on end. You must not think I am sulky when I do that. Just let me alone, and I’ll soon be right. What have you to confess now?
INTERVIEWER
Confess?
JACK
It’s just as well for two fellows to know the worst of one another before they begin to live together.
(THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Interesting idea, yes, hm… Let’s see... I keep a bull pup and a skunk, and I object to rows because my nerves are shaken -
JACK
Afghanistan.
INTERVIEWER
Afghanistan, Egypt, the Americas, all over Europe... My nerves have been shaken in so many places I struggle to keep track. I get up at all sorts of ungodly hours, and I am extremely lazy. I have another set of vices when I’m well, but those are the principal ones at present.
JACK
Do you include violin-playing in your category of rows?
INTERVIEWER
Well, it depends on the player. A well-played violin is a treat for the gods, a badly-played one —
JACK
Oh, that’s all right. So who are you? Jameson? Masterson? Richardson?
INTERVIEWER
What?
JACK
Watson! That’s much better! Sorry, you need a name, if you are to be my companion.
INTERVIEWER
Now hold on a minute, I'm the one who gives people new identities!
JACK
(SMILES) Right now it's me. People will be coming in and out of here all day, I’ll need to call you something!
Watson is simple, to the point. I like it. You shall be... John Watson! And I shall be...
INTERVIEWER
Sherlock!
JACK
That is an uncommon name. Are you naming me after -
INTERVIEWER
Alfred Sherlock, yes, the violinist.
JACK
Of course!
INTERVIEWER
And your surname will be Holmes, after Oliver Wendell Holmes, the physician.
JACK
(TRYING IT ON FOR SIZE)
Sherlock. Holmes. Sherlock Holmes! It fits me! Like a tailor made Jacket!
INTERVIEWER
We haven’t figured out how to kill you though?
JACK
A bout of Yellow Fever.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that's good! The bleeding from the eyes and mouth looks terrifying, nobody would take a second look at your face. Which makes it very easy to find a replacement corpse. It only needs to match so-so.
JACK
Excellent! Nobody knew me that well anyway.
INTERVIEWER
I’ll organize for the corpse to appear at your lodgings tomorrow morning.
JACK
Now, we can’t rest on our laurels, we’ve got to change me into this Holmes character. I should probably start my studies as soon as possible. I think anatomy, perhaps? And criminology.
INTERVIEWER
My friend can teach you anatomy. But before we start all that, I would like to offer you a toast -
JACK
Finally! The champagne! I've been looking forward to this!
(UNDER THE FOLLOWING THE INTERVIEWER PRODUCES A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND TWO GLASSES. HE POPS THE CORK AND POURS TWO GLASSES)
INTERVIEWER
With your extraordinary powers, I wouldn’t be surprised if you are going to be rather famous. Perhaps I should serve as your chronicler? If time permits. You know - My friend A.C. Doyle could proofread. He could even help us get the stories published.
JACK
That is a great idea! Extra income!
INTERVIEWER
Yes… Maybe I should ask him if he'd be willing to publish under his name...
JACK
Keeping you out of the limelight. Even better.
BEAT.
You know, I think you and I will get along just fine.
INTERVIEWER
I think so too. Now what should we toast to?
JACK
The way you’ve helped me out of this conundrum with such speed and elegance makes me think we should toast to... hard work maybe? Or to finding unlikely solutions?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, it was nothing. No, to me, the interview process is rather like your process of deduction, you see. It doesn't seem complicated, instead it all feels rather eh -
(LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT WORD)
JACK
...elementary?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Indeed… Elementary!
JACK
Then we'll toast to that. Elementary, my dear Watson!
INTERVIEWER
Elementary! Detective Holmes…
THEME TUNE AND CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Cliff Huizenga and featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Jonathan Sims as Carl Granton and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner and music by Fredrik Baden. The episode was directed by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne. Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you so much to all our patrons without who’s support none of this would be possible, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Grace Colum, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen and Sunny D. Anomaly.
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And now the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
(FIELD IN SCOTLAND. COLE AND HAINES ARE HIDING IN THE BUSHES, EAVESDROPPING ON KOZLOWSKI, MIA AND JACKIE)
KOZLOWSKI
...elementary my dear Watson. Elementary detective Holmes.
(HE LAUGHS)
MIA
Wow.
JACKIE
Wow indeed.
(PAUSE)
COLE
(WHISPERS)
Jack the Ripper and Sherlock Holmes in the same story? If the Americans buy this, I've lost my faith in Uncle Sam forever!
HAINES
(WHISPERS)
Cole, come with me...
COLE
(WHISPERS)
What?
HAINES
(WHISPERS)
Just come!
(THEY CRAWL AWAY FROM THE FIRE. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, THEY STAND UP)
HAINES
Okay, I think we're out of earshot and out of view.
COLE
Why did we leave them?
HAINES
Do you remember Professor Smythe-Holmes? At the academy?
COLE
Of course. One of the best lecturers MI5 has ever seen.
HAINES
Hm. I served as prefect for a time, so I spent a lot to do with him. One night I had to call at his quarters rather late, to deliver some papers. He invited me in. Offered me wine. I sat down. We talked. He was... rather inebriated.
COLE
Why are you telling me this?
HAINES
He told me - and made me promise to never tell anyone - that his great grandfather was Sherlock Holmes!
COLE
What!?
HAINES
He was... lamenting how everyone was under the impression that the great Mr. Holmes had been a character in a story, and not a real man with a significant impact on the history of investigation!
COLE
He was drunk. He was having you on! Obviously!
HAINES
Was he? I thought so at the time, but... with what we've just heard...!
COLE
If Sherlock Holmes was real, why keep that secret?
HAINES
Professor Smythe-Holmes said that late in life his great grandfather had gone to extreme lengths to remove all traces that could prove who he actually was, that Sherlock Holmes had existed for real. He took a new identity as a retired weaver, or something. Apparently, there was some dark secret in his past that led him to this drastic measure... one that he didn't even tell his children about.
COLE
Well, if he really was Jack the Ripper, he wouldn’t want that to come out!
HAINES
Exactly! And if in addition to that, Holmes was co-running the Victorian version of The Amelia Project...
COLE
The Brotherhood of the Phoenix...
HAINES
Holmes would easily have known way too much about them, and there would be a risk of exposure. Perhaps this Interviewer guy - Watson - made Sherlock erase himself from history, to ensure the secrecy of the organization?
COLE
He might even have forced Holmes to do it, threatening to expose that he was the Ripper?
HAINES
From the surgeon's story they seem quite chummy though. Holmes might have simply offered to do it out of loyalty.
COLE
Still. All this is hearsay. There's no proof.
HAINES
But there was!
COLE
What?
HAINES
Professor Smythe-Holmes showed me an old telegram. Out of context it didn't really mean much...
COLE
What did it say?
HAINES
I don't remember … verbatim, but something along these lines:
"I concur. STOP. Better publish in my name. STOP. Will keep secret." Signed... A.C.D.
COLE
Huh...! (TAKES IT ALL IN) And yet... despite all these stories - and even proof - we are not one step closer to any useful information about The Amelia Project, are we? Who are they? What do they want? What’s their endgame?
HAINES
Let's crawl back and listen. Maybe we'll find out.
COLE
Maybe...
END OF EPISODE