EPISODE 66 - BILLY GRITT
PIP
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. This episode is dedicated to super patron Michael West who will disappear via alien abduction and reappear as a maker of artisanal goats cheese in the pyrenees. Happy listening.
PROLOGUE - MONTMARTRE CEMETERY
ALVINA
You were Watson!?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
I would have imagined you'd be Sherlock!
INTERVIEWER
No, I played the part of Watson for several years.
ALVINA
I’m not sure I believe it.
(ALVINA GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE GRAVESTONE. SHE BRUSHES OFF SOME MOSS AND VINES)
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Well… (SIGHS) What are you doing?
ALVINA
Just brushing some moss off. The gravestone is completely overgrown. I can only barely work out your name.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well. I suppose no one has been looking after it.
ALVINA
Yes…
INTERVIEWER
How does it... feel?
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
The stone.
ALVINA
How the stone feels?
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm.
ALVINA
Well, it's cold to the touch, the surface is rough, it feels like... stone. Why?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nothing.
ALVINA
Come over and help me! You can feel for yourself.
INTERVIEWER
No, I'm fine here. Thank you.
ALVINA
Fair enough.
(REMOVES MORE)
Wh- What on earth?! It’s changed!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
The writing! (REMOVES MORE MOSS) The writing. On the stone.
INTERVIEWER (WALKING OVER. READING)
"Lord Darrell Arthur Duppa.
Died in Arizona, US, January 30th 1871.
'The valiant never taste of death but once.'"
(WITH A CHUCKLE) Ah, yes.
ALVINA
What do you mean "Ah, yes"? Did you know this man?
INTERVIEWER
I did.
ALVINA
Well, who was he, and where has your gravestone gone -(INTERVIEWER SIGHS, KNOWING THE COIN WILL DROP SOON) oh, wait... Lord Darrel Arthur Duppa...! Is this...?
INTERVIEWER
Another one of my names, yes.
ALVINA
Oh look, it is still there! Maine Moepirt Arthur, son of Athramail. Up at the top. But then all the way down here, it says Lord Darrell Arthur Duppa. Why is there a second name on your gravestone?
INTERVIEWER
I guess that must be because I died in Arizona in 1871.
ALVINA
You died!?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but… Briefly!. Kozlowski brought me back to life. I was only gone a few seconds.
ALVINA
So he, what, resuscitated you?
INTERVIEWER
He gave me Patience. It can revive you if you get it quickly enough after death. Ha, but! Try digging up a half rotted relative and that won’t work.
ALVINA
No, thank you. Can we get back to you … dying?
INTERVIEWER
Well you don't live for several millennia without having a few brushes with death!
ALVINA
What happened in Arizona?
INTERVIEWER
Ah… Well… Do you remember what I said to Mr. Love?
ALVINA
Uhm... that... you would love to try Serendipity's hot chocolate ice cream with whipped cream swirl and chocolate shavings?
INTERVIEWER
No, that. I said that the last time I traveled across the US, it was in the back of a covered wagon.
ALVINA
Oh, that.
INTERVIEWER
Are you ready for a story from the Wild wild West, Alvina?
ALVINA
Is it a Spaghetti Western?
INTERVIEWER
You better believe it...!
(ALVINA LAUGHS)
THEME TUNE AND INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Design by Adam Raymonda. Episode 66 - Billy Gritt, 1871
THE WILD WEST - 1871
(Inside a covered wagon speeding along a dirt track. Bullets whistling through the air, piercing the canvas and hitting the wood. In the distance, horses in pursuit and men shouting.
Billy is lying on the floor of the wagon. He opens the flap and shouts to his horse)
BILLY GRITT
Dangit, Buttercup! Faster! Faster!
HE LETS THE FLAP CLOSE AGAIN. THE SOUND OF THE SHERIFF AND HIS MEN SLOWLY RECEDES INTO THE DISTANCE AS BILLY OUTPACES THEM.
(TO HIMSELF)
Oooohooo, Billy, you're in trouble now! This might could be the day you end up in the bone orchard!
OUTSIDE, A HORSE GALLOPS UP NEXT TO BUTTERCUP. AS THEY'RE CATCHING UP, THE MAN ON THE HORSE CAN BE HEARD SINGING.
INTERVIEWER
(singing)
He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes!
He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes!
BILLY GRITT
They're a-comin, Billy! They shore are a-coming!
THE INTERVIEWER SWINGS ELEGANTLY OFF THE GALLOPING HORSE, DOWN ONTO THE COVERED WAGON.
INTERVIEWER
He'll be coming round the mountain, he'll be coming round the mountain - Hup!
(BILLY YELPS)
BILLY GRITT
It warn't me! I swear! You got the wrong hombre!
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS THE WAGON THROUGH THE CANVAS FLAP)
INTERVIEWER
Good day!
BILLY GRITT
Billy don't wanna die today!
INTERVIEWER
Ahaha! But you might! Though not in the way you think.
BILLY GRITT
I ain't armed! Back at the creek - you owlhoots shot the iron right outta my hand, remember!
beat.
Let's have a fistfight! A fistfight's fair! A fistfight's fair!
INTERVIEWER
Pull in your horns in, I'm not here to fight you.
BILLY GRITT
Well then arrest me.
INTERVIEWER
No.
(A JOLT AS THE WAGON TURNS A BEND)
Oh!
BILLY GRITT
Wait - you ain't sheriff Jameson!
INTERVIEWER
I ain’t sheriff Jameson, no.
BILLY GRITT (CON’T)
And you ain't wearing a deputy's star neither.
(ANOTHER JOLT)
INTERVIEWER
I'm not with the sheriff's department.
BILLY GRITT
Then why in tarnation are you in my wagon!? Cain't you see Billy's busy!
INTERVIEWER
(IRONIC)
Yeah, you look like you're having a hog-killin’ time…
(ANOTHER BULLET PIERCES THE CANVAS)
BILLY GRITT
Duck!
INTERVIEWER
Be hanged!
BILLY GRITT
You better crouch, hombre.
INTERVIEWER
The floor is very dirty -
BILLY GRITT
What do you mean? I spit shined just before
INTERVIEWER
Uh, that's disgusting!
(ANOTHER BULLET AND THE INTERVIEWER'S COWBOY HAT IS SHOT OFF. THE SHERIF AND HIS MEN HAVE CAUGHT )UP!
INTERVIEWER
Marry trap with you! My Stetson!
BILLY GRITT
Hoo-wee! That one shore came close!
INTERVIEWER
There's a hole in my hat now. I better lie down...
(THE INTERVIEWER LIES DOWN NEXT TO BILLY)
(MUMBLING) Oh what is that oh good lord…
BILLY GRITT
Anyway. Jist what are you doin' here, pard?
INTERVIEWER
I'll tell you in a minute.
(ANOTHER BULLET. INTERVIEWER YELPS)
This shooting business is annoying, isn't it?
(ANOTHER BULLET. YELP)
BILLY GRITT
Yeah.
(ANOTHER BULLET. ANNOYED YELP)
INTERVIEWER
I'd rather it stopped.
(ANOTHER BULLET. SUPER ANNOYED YELP)
BILLY GRITT
Yuh'll git no argument from me.
(ANOTHER BULLET)
INTERVIEWER
Would make it easier to talk.
Another bullet.
bILLY GRITT
It is gettin' a might breezy in here.
Another bullet.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good lo- I mean, one more hole in this canvas, and it's not a covered wagon anymore!
(ANOTHER BULLET)
INTERVIEWER
What's that under that lammy?
BILLY GRITT
Nothin'!
INTERVIEWER
Looks like dynamite. Could I have a couple a' sticks?
BILLY GRITT
I was savin' 'em for a special occasion-
INTERVIEWER
overlapping
And light the fuse, please. It's a worthwhile cause.
BILLY GRITT
But -
INTERVIEWER
I don't like loud noises.
BILLY GRITT
Then Ah cain't recommend yuh fire up a stick of dynamite!
Another bullet.
INTERVIEWER
I'd rather suffer one loud bang than this constant whistling of bullets!
BILLY GRITT
What, you're going to blow us up?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don't be daft! We are about to cross a bridge.
BILLY GRITT
Oh...! Well. Say, that's purty smart!
(BILLY GETS OUT THE DYNAMITE AND LIGHTS THE FUSE WITH A MATCH)
Three sticks should do the trick. Here you go!
INTERVIEWER
Right, thanks!
(THE HORSE AND CART DRIVES ONTO THE GROUND THE OTHER SIDE. THE INTERVIEWER CRAWLS OVER TO THE BACK FLAP, OPENS IT AND THROWS THE DYNAMITE OUT)
INTERVIEWER
And - ho!
(A BRIEF SECOND, THEN A MASSIVE BANG AS THE BRIDGE IS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS. WE FAINTLY HEAR THE PURSUERS GO "WHOA! WHOA!" AND THEIR HORSES STOPPING ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE CANYON)
(BILLY AND THE INTERVIEWER BREATHE EASY. BUTTERCUP AND THE INTERVIEWER'S HORSE SLOW DOWN TO A TROT)
(INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
BILLY GRITT
There ain't no way to cross that-thar canyon without no bridge! It'll take 'em hours to ride around!
INTERVIEWER
Yes quite.
BILLY GRITT
Whoo-dawgies! I reckon I'm safe!
INTERVIEWER
Though not for long. I understand you are a wanted man?
BILLY GRITT
I ain't!
INTERVIEWER
You're not?
BILLY GRITT
Naw!
INTERVIEWER
Well then why are you being pursued by the sheriff?
BILLY GRITT
Jus' coincidence, Ah reckon!
INTERVIEWER
Oh really? Why do you have sticks of dynamite in your wagon?
BILLY GRITT
I didn't!
INTERVIEWER
You just handed some to me.
BILLY GRITT
I thought they wuz carrots!
INTERVIEWER
We blew up a bridge.
BILLY GRITT
They're spicy carrots!
INTERVIEWER
Ah come- Now- You lit the fuse.
BILLY GRITT
Who're yuh gonna b'lieve, me or yur lyin' eyes?
INTERVIEWER
sighs
Really, really? this is how you want to play it, is it?
BILLY GRITT
Well, maybe I did have some, but ehm... that was 'cause some other polecat done planted 'em there!
BEAT.
I had'em to get rid of some boulders on my farmland!
INTERVIEWER
You are Billy Grit! Also known as "Gritty Bill"!
Beat.
BILLY GRITT
How do you know?
INTERVIEWER
Well...
(THE INTERVIEWER GETS A ROLL OF PAPER FROM HIS COAT POCKET AND UNROLLS IT)
What's this I’m holding?
BILLY GRITT
Well, it might could be a Wanted-poster.
INTERVIEWER
Could be a wanted poster, yes, and who's on it?
BILLY GRITT
Ahhh. I dunno, I cain't read.
INTERVIEWER
The man on the picture? Who is the man in the picture?
BILLY GRITT
I dunno, but he sure is handsome. Never seed him afore.
INTERVIEWER
It's you!
BILLY GRITT
Ah you got no proof!
INTERVIEWER
You're identical! I mean, look at your beard! It could fill the Grand Canyon! You couldn't get a scratching rake in there with a cannon! There is no one else in the Americas with a beard like that!
BEAT.
BILLY GRITT
Awright, yuh got me! I'm Billy Gritt!
INTERVIEWER
Finally! Now, why deny it? My good man, you must have understood -
BILLY GRITT
What's this "good man" stuff? You can call me Billy. Or Gritty. Or Bill. Or Or Gritty Bill. Or Billy Gritt. Or Gritt. Or Mr. Gritt. Or Mr. Billy Gritt. Or -
INTERVIEWER
assertive)
Oh for god’s- My good man!!
BILLY GRITT
(FAST)
I ain't good.
INTERVIEWER
Why not acknowledge the corn right away?
BILLY GRITT
I don't know. Habit...? Billy's done been on trial so many times... "Deny everything!", that's my motto.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Billy Gritt... Wanted in seven states, and counting. Charmed to make your acquaintance!
BILLY GRITT
That thing with the bridge back there - seemed professional. Are you an outlaw too?
INTERVIEWER
Well... There's currently no price on my head, but if any sheriff knew what I did, I'd be on one of those Wanted-posters faster than you can say "chuckwagon".
BILLY GRITT
What do you do?
INTERVIEWER
I make people die -
BILLY GRITT
Oh me too!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
without ever killing anyone...
BILLY GRITT
Huh? Wait what?
INTERVIEWER
I fake people's deaths. And you're my next client.
BILLY GRITT
I'm what?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) "Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come."
BILLY GRITT
Whut? Talk American, son! ... Who are you?
INTERVIEWER
My name is Lord Darrell Arthur Duppa. You haven't heard of me?
BILLY GRITT
I cain't say as I ever heard of yuh, no.
INTERVIEWER
What?! Really?
BILLY GRITT
Really. What have you done?
INTERVIEWER
I'm famous for giving the town of Phoenix it's name!
BILLY GRITT
You ain't funnin' me, are yuh?
INTERVIEWER
Why, no! Listen, when my friend Jack Swilling founded a town in Arizona three years ago, I was struck by how Jack built an irrigation system off the back of the ancient Hohokam canal systems. The city grew from the ashes of a former city - and it reminded me of the ancient mythical bird reborn from flames!
BILLY GRITT
Well, I've heard'a Jack Swilling!
INTERVIEWER
See!
BILLY GRITT
That-thar feller's a drunkard and a morphine addict!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, he is that’s true. He's also a very hard worker.
BILLY GRITT
Still - Ah ain't heard of you.
INTERVIEWER
But I have heard of you. You have made quite the name for yourself. Highway hold ups. Bank heists. Mail coach robberies.
BILLY GRITT
And?
INTERVIEWER
You've been arrested, tried and imprisoned more than any man alive.
BILLY GRITT
(SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Yet here you are... free again! How do you do it?
BILLY GRITT
How do I do what?
INTERVIEWER
Belly through the brush!
BILLY GRITT
Get out of prison?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! You must be a genius!
BILLY GRITT
Billy ain't hardly no genius...
INTERVIEWER
You’ve escaped more times than anyone cares to count!
BILLY GRITT
I just have my gang bust me out!
INTERVIEWER
But how do they do it? Do they bake a file into a cake? Do they dig a tunnel under the wall? And how do you manage to plan it when you're on the inside and they're on the outside?
BILLY GRITT
Ah, well, it’s my special technique you see? I just shout out the window.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS BUT THEN STOPS CONFUSED) You... shout out the window?
BILLY GRITT
Yeah, I hollar "Ey, I wanna get out of here!" Then they knock out the guards out and blast the door open with some gunpowder, and I'm out in the twinkling of a bed-post.
INTERVIEWER
Nonono, it can’t be that simple?
BILLY GRITT
Works every time.
INTERVIEWER
I was hoping there would be more finesse to it.
BILLY GRITT
Billy don't do finesse. Billy cain't even spell finesse. Billy reckons the quick and easy way is... well, it’s quick and easy. Don't much like prison. It's boring.
INTERVIEWER
I don't care for boredom either...
"Prison is as tedious as a twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man!" to paraphrase the Bard.
Which is why I am a bit disappointed, Billy.
BILLY GRITT
By what?
INTERVIEWER
By you! I mean, I thought you were going to be a fascinating client. Hearing all the tales about your prison breaks, I thought... "Billy Gritt - arrested, tried and imprisoned more than any man alive! What a man!"
BILLY GRITT
That old yarn again! That's all anyone ever says about me! "Arrested more times than any man alive", blah, blah, blah!
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait. You're saying it's taradiddles?
BILLY GRITT
Ah told yuh t' talk American! What I'm sayin' is, there's more to Billy than that!
INTERVIEWER
Like what?
BILLY GRITT
Like all the times I've done stuff without gettin' caught! Billy an' his gang, they've shot their way out of so many situations, you jist wouldn't believe!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, though, though when I entered this wagon, you were running like you had the deuce at your heels. Where is your gang now, eh, now that you need them?
BILLY GRITT
Well, they...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BILLY GRITT
Well there was that time in Tempe, where we lost Buster and Scraggy.
INTERVIEWER
Uhu...
BILLY GRITT
Then there was that time in Milwaukee when Elmer and Butch wuz shot.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
BILLY GRITT
And Jesse died of gangrene, Biggs was transported to Bermuda, Alice fell off a wagon, Little Jackie fell off the wagon, Reno was killed in Virginia, Virginia was shot in Reno and Willie-Bob left the gang and became the sheriff of Coffeyville and then I just had to shoot him, ya know. And Billy don't regret that. So yeah... ain't a dang one of 'em left.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. So no one to 'bust you out'.
BILLY GRITT
Nope. So I shore am glad you came to help! Tip my Stetson to ya'. Now Billy can breathe easy again! Close call there for a sec. Phew!
I'm mighty curious 'bout what you want in return, though. I ain't got nothin'! All I got is what I got on me - this-here leather coat, which might not be in apple pie order... got a few holes and some blood stains, uh, an' then there's me' old boots -
INTERVIEWER
We'll get to what I want soon enough, and don't worry, it'll be a fair shake, but first things first: You're speaking as if you're safe.
BILLY GRITT
Well, yeah. We blew up the bridge, after all. With them carrots.
INTERVIEWER
Billy, you are not safe.
BILLY GRITT
But -
INTERVIEWER
It's only a matter of time before they catch up.
BILLY GRITT
(LAUGHS) Nah, by the time they get around the canyon, Buttercup's taken' me home.
I got me an ace in the hole, an' no nobody knows where it is, but good ol' Buttercup! Perfect place to stash your loot, it's so remote!
(TO THE HORSE)
Good girl, Buttercup! Good girl! Let's go to the dice house now!
(PROUD, TO THE INTERVIEWER)
Nobody'll ever find Billy at his secret lair! In fact you gotta git off purty soon, cause if'n you don't make yourself scarce, I reckon I'll have to kill you. (CHUCKLES) Heh. Imagine that, me takin' some stranger to where all the gold from Sacramento's stashed! Yeah I'd be an idiot to do that! So I cain't take nobody to the secret lair, sir, no sirree.
INTERVIEWER
Right…. Bill, Bill, Bill - first of all - no before that - Buttercup?
BILLY GRITT
Yeah, my mount.
INTERVIEWER
Yes but … Buttercup?
BILLY GRITT
Good name for a mare ain't it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes sure, absolutely, I just expected a man like you to have a horse named Thunder or Trigger or Diablo -
BILLY GRITT
Or Buttercup!
INTERVIEWER
Or... Buttercup! Now, secondly, back to my first point - Billy, I have bad medicine for you: You're all down but nine. Remember this?
(THE INTERVIEWER SHAKES THE WANTED-POSTER)
BILLY GRITT
My Wanted-poster.
INTERVIEWER
Up on the trunk of every tree seven states wide!
BILLY GRITT
Dangit!
INTERVIEWER
What did you do this time?
BILLY GRITT
Train robbery.
INTERVIEWER
What did you steal?
BILLY GRITT
I just said.
INTERVIEWER
No, you just said train robbery.
BILLY GRITT
Yeah.
Beat.
BILLY GRITT
I stole a train.
INTERVIEWER
Crimany! You stole a train?
BILLY GRITT
They're fine, ain't they? And pricey too, dangit! A steam train's worth a plumb fortune!
INTERVIEWER
How did you manage to steal a train?
BILLY GRITT
First you gotta lift with your knees- Ha, just kiddin’. Had to build a railroad.
INTERVIEWER
You build a railroad!?
BILLY GRITT
Some folks say robbin' is a coffee boiler's game, but I tell ya! It's hard work! It's hard honest work, layin tracks! Well, mebbe not so honest in my case, but - Thing is, railroads ain't that well guarded, ya know?
INTERVIEWER
No?
BILLY GRITT
They run through deserts an' plains, see, areas where they ain't nary a soul! So what we done was lay a secon't set of tracks, out thar in the wilderness. And our tracks ran right onto a ree-mote ranch that my gang had - hrm - moved into.
INTERVIEWER
Uhu.
BILLY GRITT
We die-verted the railroad onto our tracks, and then we could just watch the train choo-choo itself right into our back yard! (INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES) Then we dug up them tracks again, an' ain't nobody none the wiser! All anybody knows is, the train left Li'l Rock on schedule, but no train ever arrived in Fort Smith! (HE LAUGHS) Nobody knowed where it ended up! (LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Right... So you were going to... what, sell the train on the black market?
BILLY GRITT
Yeah!
INTERVIEWER
Is there a black market for trains?
BILLY GRITT
Ain't found one yet. Still lookin'. You innerested?
INTERVIEWER
No. It would be quite something to own a train, but I don't have anywhere to keep it. Or drive it, for that matter.
BILLY GRITT
I got some tracks to go with it.
INTERVIEWER
Very kind. But no thank you.
BILLY GRITT
Aw.
INTERVIEWER
The plan must have failed though?
BILLY GRITT
Yeah, turns out, a train is kinda hard to hide. I looked for some trees to cover it, but the ranch was in the middle of the desert. I put some canvas over the most train-lookin' bits o'the train, but... Turns out a train just sittin' there in your backyard is bound to get noticed after a while. Had to leave the ranch, was goin' back to the lair but... danged if I wasn't recognized at the saloon in Lost Creek! Anyhow, I got a wiggle on. Criss-crossing the country tryin' to shake'em. Did you know that I got no friends in Friendship, and that they don't play fair at all down in Fair Play? And now here I am. Flat on my belly in a covered wagon, not a dime to my name. 'Nless I dig up that gold from the raid back in Sacramento.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... And you need a way out.
BILLY GRITT
Boy, do I!
INTERVIEWER
Which is why I'm here.
BILLY GRITT
Yeah - 'bout that - how did'ja find me?
INTERVIEWER
The smoke signals!
BILLY GRITT
You saw 'em?
INTERVIEWER
H - E - P - L. Yes, I did see those.
BILLY GRITT
I was hopin' some old member of the gang would see 'em, but...
INTERVIEWER
Then I find you instead!
BILLY GRITt
You said yu're... fakin' death?
INTERVIEWER
That's right.
BILLY GRITT
What the heck does that even mean? Do you roll around on the ground pretendin' to have a fit? Is it kinda like... like in the thee-yay-ter...?
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no! I don't fake my death. I fake your death!
BILLY GRITT
I'm all higgledy-piggledy, son...
INTERVIEWER
I can see that, yes. No, listen, I can make it look like you have died.
BILLY GRITT
Uh... why?
INTERVIEWER
You see, if they think you're dead, they'll stop looking for you!
BILLY GRITT
Right. Right! Aw, heck, that's a plumb smart idea! Why didn't Billy think of that?
INTERVIEWER
Because you're not one for finesse. And I am.
BILLY GRITT
Guess that's true! So, how does it work?
INTERVIEWER
I suggest we do it now.
BILLY GRITT
Now?
INTERVIEWER
No time like the present! Do you have more dynamite?
BILLY GRITT
No, that was all of it.
INTERVIEWER
Damn. Well in that case... why don't we utilize the geographical peculiarities of the area.
BILLY GRITT
Pardon?!
INTERVIEWER
Let's dump you in the canyon.
BILLY GRITT
Dump... me?
INTERVIEWER
Buttercup's baked, she rides a bit too close to the edge, you topple in, horse, cart and all, and get smashed beyond recognition once you hit the bottom!
BILLY GRITT
Ugh! Nasty. But - it's fake, somehow?
INTERVIEWER
Yes of course. I already have a replacement corpse in my saddlebags. It's not identical to you, but my friend is a master of prosthetics, and he's made a magnificent beard. Plus the corpse was already half eaten by vultures when we found it, so I think we're good. It even comes with real bullet holes! (CHUCKLES)
BILLY GRITT
I don't have any bullet holes...
INTERVIEWER
But you could have! Which would explain why you didn't steer your horse away from the canyon.
BILLY GRITT
About that...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BILLY GRITT
You're usin' this wagon?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes.
BILLY GRITT
How d'ya figger t'get the replacement corpse for Buttercup into your saddlebags? Must be an awful big pair of 'em.
INTERVIEWER
No, no no, Buttercup will actually have to fall into the canyon -
BILLY GRITT
You ain't killin' Buttercup!
(WITH NO WARNING, BILLY ATTACKS THE INTERVIEWER, THROWING HIMSELF AT HIM, PINNING HIM DOWN AND PUNCHING HIM)
No one kills my friend!
INTERVIEWER
Agh - ahg - Billy -
BILLY GRITT
Say you won't kill 'er! Say it! Say it you bastard!
INTERVIEWER
I won't kill Buttercup! I promise!
Billy lets go.
BILLY GRITT
Good! Ya better not.
(THE INTERVIEWER COUGHS AS HE'S GETTING UP)
INTERVIEWER
Boy! You really are a brute!
bILLY GRITT
No one messes with Billy's family without Billy comin' after 'em!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Alright. The horse is family. Of course. Well, uhm, new plan. I guess the cart could have come loose from the horse, and fallen in without it.
BILLY GRITT
That's better.
BEAT.
OK, now that's figgered, I gotta say: Billy likes it!
INTERVIEWER
Good... Now, next on the agenda is your identity.
BILLY GRITT
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
You can't be Billy Gritt anymore.
BILLY GRITT
Your plan is terrible! People are gonna recognize me!
INTERVIEWER
Not necessarily -
BILLY GRITT
For sure! You keep sayin', everyone knows what I look like! Me absquatulatin' - now that dog won’t hunt!
INTERVIEWER
I see how you'd think so, but I have some more cards up my sleeve...Listen - Remember I mentioned my friend who made the replacement corpse? He is a master surgeon! I've made a song about him. Want to hear it?
BILLY GRITT
(SKEPTICAL)
Um... I reckon...
INTERVIEWER
He'll be comin' with a scalpel when he comes!
He'll be comin' with a scalpel when he comes!
He'll be comin' with a scalpel,
he'll be comin' with a scalpel,
He'll be comin' with a scalpel when he comes!
BILLY GRITT
Right...
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
He'll be riding six white horses when he comes!
He'll be riding six white horses when he comes!
He'll be riding six white horses,
and his cart is full of corpses!
He'll be riding six white horses when he comes!
BILLY GRITT
Yeah... I'm a bit skitish about some sawbones cuttin' me open...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well, well, okay. Maybe we don't need to operate... When did you start growing that beard?
BILLY GRITT
My twelfth birthday.
INTERVIEWER
Top up my trough and call me a barn sour! Twelve?
BILLY GRITT
Ain't cut it since. Eleven year old me was plumb tired o' shavin', already been doin' it for years so... figgered I'd just up an' quit!
INTERVIEWER
Well that makes our lives a whole lot easier! All you need to do is shave!
BILLY GRITT
I just gotta lose the beard?
INTERVIEWER
My friend Jack is going to give you the most luxurious shave you can imagine. Then I'll dress you up in your best bib and tucker - and I'll train you in speech and grammar till you sound like a true-bred flannel mouth. There'll be no more thunderation, mind you, you have got to sound like a tenderfoot, and act it too.
BILLY GRITT
Listen, friend, you're uncorkin’ a bronc, you know that?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I'll take my chances - if you're willing to trust me.
BILLY GRITT
I'll look like a barber's cat, and I reckon I'll come off as a barber's clerk!
INTERVIEWER
No…
BILLY GRITT
You don't think you're barking at a knot?
INTERVIEWER
Billy - quit beatin’ the devil around the stump.
BILLY GRITT
Well, I'm hardly in a position to higgle anyhow... What'll I do for a livin' though?
INTERVIEWER
Well… What do you want to do? Saloon keep, maybe? Or - you like trains. How about train driver?
BILLY GRITT
(AWESTRUCK) Billy could be a train driver?
INTERVIEWER
Oh sure thing! Just say the word!
BILLY GRITT
A real... for real... real life train driver?
INTERVIEWER
A real... for real... real life train driver.
BILLY GRITT
Billy wants to be a train driver!
INTERVIEWER
Done!
BILLY GRITT
Oh, man! I'll be beating the road every day! This may be the best day of my life!
INTERVIEWER
It's the last day of your life - and the first day of your new one!
BILLY GRITT
Wait - before I say yes, I wanna know who I'm dealin' with. I'm putting my life - and death! - in your hands - but whose hands are they?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I told you my credentials -
BILLY GRITT
Yeah, you named Phoenix.
(SARCASTIC)
Bully for you! But what is a Limey with a choke strap doin' in Phoenix in the first place, huh? I want your story!
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure? I've been known to yarn the hours away and some say my tales have too much mustard.
BILLY GRITT
And no taradiddlin'! Did I use that word right?
INTERVIEWER
I promise it will be the truth, nothing but the truth -
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
- and maybe a white lie or two.
BILLY GRITT
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
Nothing - I was born in Marseilles!
BILLY GRITT
Marseilles, England?
INTERVIEWER
That would be Marseilles, France.
BILLY GRITT
You're French?
INTERVIEWER
I'm English.
BILLY GRITT
But… Born in France?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. I'm the son of a diplomat. I grew up in France, then I studied at Cambridge.
BILLY GRITT
Cambridge, France?
INTERVIEWER
That would be Cambridge, England.
BILLY GRITT
Dang. Well, I'm a bit buffaloed so far.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, quite. Well. Buck up, it gets worse! I went sailing, got shipwrecked in South America, spent ten years walking across the continent, and enjoyed the luxury of being completely off the grid! Met a soiled dove who wanted to be a lady Pinkerton, helped her fake her death, discovered I was good at it, kept doing it, honed my skills, reappeared in Arizona, and here I am! I speak five languages, and I know all there is to know about classical literature.
(QUOTES) "O, let my books be then the eloquence and dumb presages of my speaking breast."
BILLY GRITT
What’s a grid? Why do you keep speaking like that? All old-timey-like?
INTERVIEWER
I can recite any Shakespeare play or sonnet off by heart! In fact I make a point of doing so at least once an hour.
BILLY GRITT
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
Because an hour without Shakespeare is not an hour worth living!
BILLY GRITT
Well, I shore know how yuh feel, pardner. If'n I go too long without I'm robbin' 'r killin' somebody, I go plumb loco!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I suppose... "Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."
BILLY GRITT
You know what - I trust yuh!
INTERVIEWER
You do?
BILLY GRITT
Yeah!
INTERVIEWER
Based on my abbreviated life story?
BILLY GRITT
Nah. Cause you ain't got the look.
INTERVIEWER
The look?
BILLY GRITT
In your eyes. Whenever I'm recruiting, I just look people in the eye an' start talkin' about killin' and robbin' - then I know right away if you're one for the gang or not.
INTERVIEWER
And I'm one for the gang?
BILLY GRITT
I murdered my grandma in cold blood.
INTERVIEWER
Huh! Why?
BILLY GRITT
See, you ain't got the look. I didn't by the way.
INTERVIEWER
I'm glad to know.
BILLY GRITT
It was self dee-fense.
INTERVIEWER
Right… Whew. I kind of wish I knew your grandmother now.
BILLY GRITT
We're all set then! Let's do this.
INTERVIEWER
One moment. We haven't discussed payment, remember?
BILLY GRITT
Oh, yeah. You didn't want the train and you didn't want my coat so I'm a bit stumped as to what to offer you -
INTERVIEWER
Your horse.
Beat.
BILLY GRITT
Buttercup?
INTERVIEWER
That's right. You can't keep anything from your former life, that's part of the deal.
BILLY GRITT
Not even the only friend I have left?
INTERVIEWER
I promise to take good care of her.
BILLY GRITT
I mean... She's a good horse, she's gotten me out of more sticky situations than any other member of my gang... is that the bed-rock price?
INTERVIEWER
I'm afraid so.
BILLY GRITT
All righty. Guess my new trusty steed'll be a steel horse.
INTERVIEWER
Good. Wanna snort? We should seal the deal before we topple this wagon down the canyon.
BILLY GRITT
You got a slug o' sump'n?
INTERVIEWER
Not whiskey I'm afraid..
.
(THE INTERVIEWER SCRAMBLES FOR SOMETHING AT THE BOTTOM OF A DEEP POCKET IN HIS COAT)
BILLY GRITT
Gin? Ginger and beer? Whad'dyuh got in that pocket?
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE)
INTERVIEWER
Champagne!
BILLY GRITT
Champagne?
INTERVIEWER
I always carry a bottle!
BILLY GRITT
Well, I'll be horn-swoggled!
(THE WAGON-WHEEL HITS A ROCK)
INTERVIEWER
Oh! It's been a bumpy ride. Curious how this has held up -
(A BIG POP, THE CORK HITS WHERE THE CANVAS IS CONNECTED, KNOCKING A CORNER LOOSE, CAUSING THE TATTERED CANVAS TO FINALLY FLY OFF THE WAGON, LEAVING THEM UNCOVERED. AT THE SAME TIME, THE CHAMPAGNE SPURTS EVERYWHERE)
INTERVIEWER
Oooh, there goes the canvas!
BILLY GRITT
(LAUGHING) It's rainin' booze!
INTERVIEWER
Quick, drink, drink!
(BILLY DRINKS, THEN HANDS THE BOTTLE BACK TO THE INTERVIEWER WHO TAKES A SWIG)
BILLY GRITT
Now this is something!
INTERVIEWER
So, what do we toast to?
BILLY GRITT
How about -
(AN ARROW WHISTLES PAST THEM. ANOTHER HITS THE WOOD OF THE WAGON)
INTERVIEWER
What the- Arrows?
BILLY GRITT
Injuns!
INTERVIEWER
Why are we being attacked by the natives?
bILLY GRITT
Well - uh - I may have sold'em some counterfeit totem-poles....
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Billy...
(THE WHISTLING OF THE ARROWS TURN INTO THE FAMILIAR BEEPS OF THE AMELIA END THEME)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Michael West and featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Josh Rubino as Billy Gritt, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Torgny G. Aandraa as the sheriff and Benjamin Noble as his deputy.
The episode was written and directed by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with script consultancy by Pete Lutz, story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, with sound design by Adam Raymonda, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions.
Thank you to all our patrons, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer (Yeti), Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Sunny D. Anomaly, Jacqui Bee and Boo.
If you enjoy the show and would like others to find it, we would be really grateful if you could spread the word! You can do that by rating and leaving a review on your podcast app, or sharing the show on social media. You can find us on social media, on Tumblr, twitter and instagram, and you can find out more about the show and how to become a patron at ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE - AN OLD WEST SALOON
(OUTSIDE TWO HORSES COME RIDING)
INTERVIEWER
(FROM OUTSIDE)
Whoa.
(THE HORSES WHINNY AND STOP, THE INTERVIEWER DISMOUNTS, TIES UP BOTH HORSES, WALKS ONTO THE PORCH AND ENTERS)
(THE SALOON DOORS SWING OPEN AND THE INTERVIEWER CROSSES THE WOODEN FLOOR IN HIS SPURRED COWBOY BOOTS)
(HE APPROACHES THE BAR AND TAKES A SEAT)
INTERVIEWER
Champagne!
BEAT.
Oh, don't give me that look.
BEAT.
Fine, I'll have whiskey.
(GLASS IS PUT DOWN AND POURED)
INTERVIEWER
Thanks.
THE INTERVIEWER KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh! This bug juice is real bumblebee whiskey! You can top me up. And top up my friend as well.
(THE BARKEEP TOPS UP TWO GLASSES)
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
So... Jack. How would you like to give him a clean shave?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. Since I saw that Wanted-poster, I have been dying to.
INTERVIEWER
I thought as much. Well, he's on board.
KOZLOWSKI
(whispering) He told you where it is?
INTERVIEWER
Where what is? Ooh, how are those burns healing?
KOZLOWSKI
My burns are healing fine. Now, did he tell you where it is?
INTERVIEWER
Where what is? You're not in too much pain?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, I can live with the pain, but if you ever try to brand me again, you might not.
INTERVIEWER
How could I know you would spontaneously combust! It was a prank gone wrong, nothing to get worked up about!
KOZLOWSKI
(IMPATIENT)
Yes yes yes. Did Billy Gritt tell you where the gold is?
INTERVIEWER
What gold?
KOZLOWSKI
whispering
You are not funny! The gold from the bonanza in Sacramento!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that gold. No, he didn't.
KOZLOWSKI
But that was the whole point!
INTERVIEWER
Well... You weren't there.
KOZLOWSKI
We have to get the information out of him!
INTERVIEWER
No need. I have already agreed payment with him.
KOZLOWSKI
So what is he paying? We said the next disappearance had to be sufficiently gainful since the stocks and bonds were lost in the fire!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don't worry about that. We got...
KOZLOWSKI
What?! We got what?
INTERVIEWER
...his horse. (LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
His horse?
(THE INTERVIEWER THEN WINCES WITH PAIN)
What…?
INTERVIEWER
By the way - Would you mind removing some of these arrows?
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS HIS COAT, REVEALING SEVERAL BLEEDING WOUNDS WITH ARROWS STICKING OUT)
KOZLOWSKI
Oh my… You have a dozen arrows… In you…
INTERVIEWER
They hurt something awfu -
(HE COLLAPSES AND TAKES GLASSES DOWN WITH HIM)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur…
(A HUGE SIGH)
END.