EPISODE 68 - MARIE ANTOINETTE
PIP
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. This episode is dedicated to super patron Deanna Berchenbriter who we will make disappear in a puff of smoke during a magic show at the London Palladium, and who will reappear as a waffle seller in the Belgian seaside town of knokke le zoute. And now, on with the show.
PROLOGUE:
A BEACH ON THE WEST COAST OF FRANCE. 1783.
THE FRENCH QUEEN MARIE ANTOINETTE AND HER SERVANT ROSALIE LAMORLIÈRE ARE STANDING ON A BEACH WAITING. IT IS A WINDY DAY.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Rosalie?
Rosalie
Yes Madame?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What fate would you expect for someone with the name "Marie Antoinette"?
Rosalie
If I didn't know you were a royal, I'd say a "Marie Antoinette" would do pretty well in life, Madame. Sounds as sweet as plum jam, she does.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
And if you knew she was royal?
Rosalie
Doesn't matter what her name is, Madame, I'd expect her life to be like a nag with the trots.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Which is?
Rosalie
Stinky, loud and unpredictable.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Oh, shut up, Rosalie!
(JUST THE SOUND OF THE SEA AND THE WIND FOR A BIT)
MARIE ANTOINETTE
They should have been here by now.
Rosalie
The winds might not have been favorable, Madame.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
They're onshore winds!
Rosalie
You can't trust winds any more than you can trust a wasp in a pantaloon, Madame!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(SIGHS) They promised they would be here by this hour.
(FAINT SOUND OF SAILS. A SHIP APPROACHES)
Rosalie
Look, Madame, coming round the cliffs!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Ah! Finally!
BEAT.
Rosalie
Oh, bugger me with a baguette!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Rosalie!
Rosalie
But Madame! The flag! It's the skull and crossbones! Oh, we're in trouble now, Madame! More trouble than a bishop's son in a whorehouse, I reckon.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
And why would that be?
Rosalie
Why, they're pirates Madame!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No, no, why would a bishop's son be in trouble in a whorehouse?
Rosalie
Oh? Isn't it obvious, Madame?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No.
Rosalie
He might meet his dad!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Right...
Rosalie
The ship's approaching fast, Madame! It's a lot closer than I first thought, it looked so small on the horizon! We should flee now!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No. Look there! The figurehead!
Rosalie
It's terrifying, Madame! Looks like a burning bird!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Do you know what that means?
Rosalie
I know it looks like the chicken I cooked last Christmas, Madame. Burned that thing to a crisp, I did. I can still remember how it screamed...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No, Rosalie. It means we're about to meet the Brotherhood of the Phoenix.
(SHOUTING FROM THE APPROACHING SHIP)
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING) Land ahoy!
(A TERRIFYING CREAKING SOUND)
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Batten down the hatches!
(THE SHIP IS GETTING CLOSER TO SHORE BY THE SECOND. OLD WOOD IS CREAKING THREATENINGLY AND BROKEN SAILS ARE FLAPPING LOUDLY - THE SHIP IS ABOUT TO FALL APART)
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What an unattractive vessel. There's white paint peeling off the sides. Odd choice of color for a pirate ship.
Rosalie
Madame, that ship's so old, it's been around since Adam's first nappy!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Rosalie. Can you please ease up on the similes? Just for a minute?
Rosalie
I'm just sayin', Madame, the hull is taking in water like a road gutter sees piss in the mornin', the yardarm is hanging off like a drop of snot and the forecastle is as wide open as a potato picker's arse crack!
(MARIE ANTOINETTE SIGHS)
(SOMETHING BREAKS OFF AND FALLS, HITTING SOME OTHER PART OF THE SHIP ON THE WAY DOWN, THEN SPLASHING INTO THE WATER)
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING) Capt'n! Are ye alive?
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING) Ye think a rotten piece of wood will take down Capt'n Dead Eye!?
(MORE CREAKING AND BREAKING AND SPLASHING)
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Capt'n! She might be in need of some repairs!
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING)
Repairs won't do it, Cut'! She is dying!
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Not the Small Fancy! I won't let it happen!
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING)
It is too late Cut'!
ROSALIE
They're coming in very fast Madame! Though I don't know how! The sails are more ragged than a homeless man's crotch-hair!
(SNAPPING ROPES, SEVERAL HEAVY THINGS ROLLING ACROSS DECK)
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Capt'n! The cannons! They've come loose!
(THE CANNONS CRASH THROUGH THE GUNWALE AND GO OVERBOARD. A SERIES OF SPLINTERING WOOD SOUNDS FOLLOWED BY HUGE SPLASHES)
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Good riddance! They had rusted anyway!
KOZLOWSKI
Cut'! We are going to hit the shore hard!
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING)
Just haul wind, Capt'n!
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING)
I cannot control her! She has got her own will!
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING) even louder and slower:
Yer Majesty! Please - take - a few steps - back!
(MARIE ANTOINETTE AND ROSALIE GASP)
The ship - is going -
KOZLOWSKI & INTERVIEWER TOGETHER
to crash!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(BACKING)
Unless it falls apart first!
(ROSALIE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE TAKE A FEW STEPS BACK)
ROSALIE
That scout in the Crow's Nest! He ought to come down from there with the speed of a guillotine! The mast is about to break!
(A TERRIFYING CROAK)
INTERVIEWER
Shiver me timbers! Ahhhh!
Rosalie
There he goes!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Oh dear…
(A HUGE SPLASH AS THE MAST HITS WATER AND THE INTERVIEWER GOES UNDER)
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTING)
Cut'? Cut'!
Rosalie
(BACKING OFF FURTHER)
We must move further up, Madame!
(ROSALIE DRAGS THE QUEEN FURTHER UP THE BEACH)
Rosalie
Poor sod, didn't stand a chance. The mast fell faster than a drunken cock!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
A drunken cock?
Rosalie
Everyone knows a cock can't stand if it's had too much wine, Madame!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Are you talking about a bird or a - ?
(THE SHIP CRASHES ASHORE. AS IT DOES, IT FINALLY DISINTEGRATES COMPLETELY. IT IS A CACOPHONOUS SOUND OF TIMBER AND ROPE, IRON AND MORE TIMBER FALLING APART, LANDING IN THE WATER AND ON THE BEACH)
THEME MUSIC
INTRO
The Amelia Project. By Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 68 - Marie Antoinette. 1783
THE INTERVIEW
ON THE BEACH, PICKING UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well, that's it I guess. One drowned, the other caught in a crumbling ship.
Rosalie
Were there really only two people aboard, Madame? Surely a crew of two cannot man a whole frigate!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Nor repair it, apparently. Call the horses, Rosalie. This wasn't the salvation I was hoping for.
Rosalie
As you wish, Madame.
(ROSALIE STARTS WALKING, BUT STOPS AS SHE HEARS THE INTERVIEWER EMERGING FROM THE WATER)
INTERVIEWER
Gaarh!
(HE DRAWS BREATH AND STARTS DOGGY PADDLING TO THE WATER)
Rosalie
Look! Look, Madame! That one's alive!
(THE INTERVIEWER COMES OUT OF THE WATER. HIS CLOTHES ARE DRIPPING. HE IS HACKING UP WATER AND POSSIBLY SEAWEED)
INTERVIEWER
Ugh, seawater…
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Ew… Those were my shoes…
INTERVIEWER
Ahoy, apologies, Ma’m! Lovely day for a swim! Queen Marie Antoinette, I suppose?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
The same.
INTERVIEWER
Delighted, Yer Highness. And ye, fair wench.
ROSALIE
(CURTSIES)
G'day to you, sir.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
And you are?
INTERVIEWER
Sir Arthur Cutlass. The crew knows me as Cut'.
ROSALIE
Which crew?
INTERVIEWER
Uh…. Some of them may have... deserted.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
They may as well. Your ship disintegrated.
INTERVIEWER
Aye. Shame. Though it was probably time. The Small Fancy's been our home for the better part of a century.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I was waiting for the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. You look like a pirate. Which are you?
INTERVIEWER
Both, Madame. At your service. Have ye seen the Capt'n?
ROSALIE
Dead as boiled beef, sir.
INTERVIEWER
Sounds unlikely, nonono, he's an old salt. Probably just taking a caulk.
ROSALIE
He was caught in the ship as it collapsed.
INTERVIEWER
That man has taken a cannon ball to the chest, he doesn't croak that easily.
(CALLS)
Capt'n! Capt'n Dead-Eye! Show a leg!
(MOVEMENT UNDER A PILE OF WOOD. MORE STIRRING. THEN KOZLOWSKI SHAKES OFF THE PLANKS AND STANDS UP. HE STRETCHES)
See, there he is hobblin’ around over there
KOZLOWSKI
(IN PAIN)
Scupper that...!
(KOZLOWSKI APPROACHES)
KOZLOWSKI
Good afternoon, Yer Highness. Milady.
ROSALIE
(CHARMED) Oh, I am not a lady!
KOZLOWSKI
(IN PAIN)
Oooffff.
INTERVIEWER
What happened to you?
KOZLOWSKI
I headed for the dungbie but the floor caved. I fell down through the poop deck all the way to the bilge. Then I think a scuttlebutt landed on me head.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) At least ye didn't end up at Davy Jones' Locker.
KOZLOWSKI
I’m telling you, it was a close call.
INTERVIEWER
Does it hurt more or less than when ye were hit by the cannonball?
KOZLOWSKI
More. But less than when I cut me eye out.
ROSALIE
You cut out your own eye!?
KOZLOWSKI
Aye.
ROSALIE
Why!?
KOZLOWSKI
To justify the eye patch.
ROSALIE
winces - then:
It’s very becoming.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you…
INTERVIEWER
That’s what I said, yes. Really suits him it does. But… But you know, apparently ye won't need it anymore. I think we just stopped being pirates. Rest in peace, Little Fancy. Ye have served us well.
(KOZLOWSKI TAKES OFF THE EYE PATCH AND OFFERS IT TO ROSALIE)
KOZLOWSKI
Would ye have any use for an old eye patch?
ROSALIE
Ooff! Your eye hole looks worse than the crevice of a leprous wench!
KOZLOWSKI
Not to worry, mademoiselle, I am planning to insert a new eye as soon as I get the chance.
(ROSALIE MUMBLES SOMETHING)
MARIE ANTOINETTE
So. You're both alive. What now?
INTERVIEWER
What now? Now, we parlay.
(HE GETS A FLASK OUT FROM A POCKET AND SHAKES IT)
Rum?
(ROSALIE TAKES A BIG SWIG)
Rosalie
Oooh! Bites like an underpaid whore, that does!
(THEY SIT DOWN ON THE BEACH)
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, well, moving swiftly on. Yer story, Madame, please - from the beginning.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Hm, well, my story... Well, I suppose it already began when I was a child...
INTERVIEWER
What did?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well. I am the youngest daughter of Empress Maria Theresa and Emperor Francis the First of Austria. As far as I’m concerned, I think I was a typical youngest child.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? How's that?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well! I was a rebel! They called me maladjusted and bossy, but I- but I just couldn't be arsed to listen to anyone - especially not my tutors.
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
"You have to think like this, the world works like that..." Well, as far as I could tell, it didn't! They were either lying or ignorant, so I decided not to care. But, I knew thoughts like that would not be appreciated at the palace, so I kept my mouth shut - which basically meant never engaging in conversation. Then everyone thought my conversations were "stilted", and reckoned I was stupid.
INTERVIEWER
Hm!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
When I was thirteen it was decided I was to marry Luddy -
INTERVIEWER
Luddy?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
King Louis XVI.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, of course.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
But from the moment I entered the French court, I observed the same thing again. Lies and ignorance.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Do tell! What are the members of the French court lying about?
KOZLOWSKI
Or ignorant of?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
That France is a country in severe disrepair.
INTERVIEWER
Really?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
In fact, it’s almost as bad as your ship.
INTERVIEWER
The great kingdom of France in disrepair!?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yes! People are starving!
INTERVIEWER
Are they?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
They don't have bread!
INTERVIEWER
Then let them eat cake!
BEAT.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
They don't have cake either.
INTERVIEWER
(GASPS) That's a travesty!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Which is why I have tried to do what I've tried to do.
INTERVIEWER
And what's that?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Covert political reform.
BEAT.
ROSALIE
Oh my!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Although, I've realized there's no two ways about it. France needs a revolution.
INTERVIEWER
Well… Whip me haunch and call me a horse! This is...!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Surprising?
INTERVIEWER
To say the least! I mean. Ye're royal! A revolution means ye'd have to walk the plank.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Exactly. I'd be executed.
INTERVIEWER
Wait, wait… Ye want us to fake yer execution?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
When is it happening?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well, that's the problem. No time soon.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm - I'm sorry, Madame, but I'm a bit confused. Ye want us to save ye from yer execution, by faking it, but you’re not havin’ an execution?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yes! That’s the point! At the moment no one is planning it.
INTERVIEWER
Right uhm… Ye're going to have to take me through this a tad slower.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Right. Listen, it's simple. I want change.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
But it's going too slow.
INTERVIEWER
Sure. But your husband is the king of France! So…
MARIE ANTOINETTE
So what?
INTERVIEWER
Can ye not just get yer husband to implement the reforms ye want?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(A SARDONIC LAUGH)
My husband doesn't have a political bone in his entire body. He's not running the country. He's a figurehead.
ROSALIE
The King's about as useful as a blind horse in a riot, he is!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Exactly! And before you ask; no, I can't do it on my own either. I have not been able to carve out a role for myself in French politics. I've never been liked enough to be respected, and never respected enough to be liked.
KOZLOWSKI
Why not?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Because Luddy and I failed to produce an heir.
KOZLOWSKI
But... ye have four children, do ye not?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I do. Now.
INTERVIEWER
(WITH A LAUGH) Well, ye both do!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No. Just me.
INTERVIEWER
... Do tell!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Do you know how Luddy makes love?
INTERVIEWER
Do I know… How… How… Uh... how would I, Madame?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I'll tell you: He introduces the member, then stays there without moving for about two minutes, then withdraws and bids goodnight.
KOZLOWSKI
That... does not sound like it will do the trick.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(SARCASTIC) You think?!
INTERVIEWER
Does he not know what follows the insertion?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I think he's just too lazy to exert himself.
ROSALIE
That's a damn shame, Madame! We all know a bitch in heat is like a blue-balled Baron, don't we! If she doesn't get her way, that's like kicking a beehive in a bell tower, innit, and that's like stabbin' a bull in the behind!
INTERVIEWER)
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Was that... three or four similes?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(UNDER HER BREATH)
That's a lot even for her...
KOZLOWSKI
So for a time ye were deprived of the pleasures of the flesh?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Not exactly.
KOZLOWSKI
No?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I started indulging in the "German vice".
INTERVIEWER
And what would the "German vice" be, Madame?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Lesbianism.
ROSALIE
Madame! I did not know that about you!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(WITH REVERIE)
I met this woman: Jeanne de la Motte. She is the most cunning person I have ever come across! She has French aristocracy twisted around her little finger! She managed to sweet talk herself into a ball at Versaille. Then she went to powder her nose, and sneaked into my boudoir...
Jeanne is the best lover I've ever had.
INTERVIEWER
To be fair, from the way ye describe yer husband, that wouldn't take much...
KOZLOWSKI
I am sure it was a rewarding affair, but I am confident it did not produce any heirs.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
You're right. After eight years of de facto marital celibacy, I had to take matters into my own hands. I had four kind friends help me out … and today I've got four lovely children.
INTERVIEWER
Securing the line of royal succession in France!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(SCOFFS)
I couldn't care less about royal succession.
INTERVIEWER
Oh that's right - the Queen's a revolutionary...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I had children because I wanted children. But also because it gave me a modicum of respect at the palace. As long as there were no heirs, too much attention was paid to me. With the children in place, those eyes were diverted, and I could finally do what I wanted.
INTERVIEWER
And what was that exactly?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
French nature is bountiful, yet France is riddled by poverty. Why is that?
INTERVIEWER
I don't know?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Because the wealth is not distributed fairly! From my chambers in Versailles, I've been doing what I can to get this country back in shape - for everyone. Working men and women, the average person on the street!
INTERVIEWER
How?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
If you ask the so called "revolutionaries", they'll tell you I've wasted the French state budget.
INTERVIEWER
On what?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Luxuries. Dresses, jewelry, gambling even. They call me "Madam Deficit".
ROSALIE
Slanderous lies!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Not at all.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Whatever they claim I've purchased, it's probably true, and to be fair, they don't even know the half of it. It has been my secret weapon: Buying.
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait… Are ye saying ye're wasting the state budget in order to get the economy back on it's feet? That doesn't make any sense!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Not wasting - investing.
INTERVIEWER
In things for yerself?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
You are looking at it all wrong. When I order a dress - for "myself" - what happens?
INTERVIEWER
Well, ye -
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I have to employ a dress maker, don't I?
INTERVIEWER
I suppose.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
When my hairdresser Leonard, who happens to be the most fabulous hairdresser in the world, wants to create a three feet pouf for me, with feathers, figurines and a model ship, what does he have to do?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm -
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Use a hell of a lot of gauze and metal and paper and pomade and postiches and powder! He'll have to hire an assistant. Two, even.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
My panaches need feathers from the French ostrich farmers and my jewels need to be crafted by French silversmiths!
Here's how I think about it
Each day, a silver livre should first be in the hands of a carpenter as he's buying bread from a baker. Then it's in the baker's hands as he's buying flour, then in the farmer's as he's paying taxes. Then the next day the Queen orders an extension to the palace, and the livre ends up in the hands of the carpenter again! The livre does nobody any good lying in a king's chest. It must circulate.
INTERVIEWER
When in that circle does the livre end up in the hands of a crew of death-faking pirates?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I have sponsored art and science, I've even encouraged the launch of a Montgolfière!
INTERVIEWER
Which is?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
A hot air balloon! Have you ever seen one of those? I really do believe there is a future in travel by air!
ROSALIE
Humans traveling by air? I am sorry Madame, but that’s the dumbest thing I've heard since Father Laurent claimed that only men have carnal desires!
KOZLOWSKI
Naah. Do not be so quick to judge, fair lady. If man can travel across oceans like a fish, why not across the sky like a bird?
INTERVIEWER
Blimey! Air travel! Imagine...!
KOZLOWSKI
Madame - yer economical theories are fascinating, and yer methods are as insidious as they are creative. Yet, looking at the purchases ye have made, ye do come off as rather... vain.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Vain!? If I was vain, would I have refused the world's largest diamond necklace?
ROSALIE
The Queen said no to a necklace? Methinks the Queen is barmy!
INTERVIEWER
What's… what’s this necklace?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Only the most expensive necklace ever made. Value: 2 million livres.
INTERVIEWER
Ho! Sink me!
KOZLOWSKI
(CHOKING) Two million?!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
My father in law, Louis XV, had it made for his mistress by the jewelers Boehmer and Bassenge. But he got cold feet, fearing the public backlash from giving a concubine such an expensive item. So he canceled the order. But the necklace had already been made. Boehmer and Bassenge had gone to great lengths to secure the largest and most perfect diamonds available, and now they were severely out of pocket. So, a few years later, when Luddy became King, they tried to make Luddy buy the necklace for me. But I refused to accept it.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
At the time we needed battleships more than jewels, and I told Luddy that, in no uncertain terms. I was wearing a battle ship replica on my head at the time, to really drive home the point.
INTERVIEWER
I suppose the ship ye've got on yer head right now does give ye a commanding presence!
(SHE TAPS THE HAT. IT TINGLES)
MARIE ANTOINETTE
This thing? It's a mere clipper, this is a recreational pouf. Anyhow, the point is I have always put the French people first - even if it doesn't seem that way.
INTERVIEWER
Fine - so ye're not vain, and ye've always put France first. But here ye are complaining that no one is making ye walk the plank, so yer scheme clearly isn't working?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Things are going too slow! My spending alone isn't enough to secure freedom, equality and brotherhood.
KOZLOWSKI
Liberté, égalité, fraternité.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
For a while now there has been something brewing among the people. A desire for justice.
KOZLOWSKI
The idea of a French republic.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
We have heard speak of it, even on the seven seas.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
The problem is, the whole thing seems to have stalled. The revolutionaries need a push. Or rather - something to push against! They need an enemy.
INTERVIEWER
And ye want to give them... a royal adversary?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Exactly. I want to use my public persona to pump up the anti-royal sentiment. That should trigger the revolutionaries and secure the coming of a French republic. I want to fast-track the revolution!
A FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
JACKIE
Hang on, hang on, hang on! "Fast-track the revolution"? You're telling me Marie Antoinette, in seventeen-eighty-whatever, said "fast-track the revolution"?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course not. Marie Antoinette spoke French. With a German phrase thrown in here and there for clarification. I am telling you the story in modern translation.
JACKIE
Hmf.
(BEHIND A BUSH NOT FAR AWAY)
COLE
(CHUCKLES)
HAINES
(WHISPERS)
What?
COLE
(WHISPERS)
Jackie has a problem with Marie Antoinette supposedly saying "fast tracked", but she doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact this conman claiming he's three hundred years old and has faked the death of Marie Antoinette - dressed as a pirate!
(LAUGHS)
HAINES
Oh yeah, that…
FROM SOME WAY OFF.
MIA
Come on! Continue the story!
BACK ON A BEACH ON THE WEST COAST OF FRANCE in 1783.
INTERVIEWER
Light me hole and call me a cannon! Fast-tracking the revolution!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yeah, but I'm out of ideas. It seems people are so used to despising royalty, no matter how much I spend nothing will push them over the edge! I need help.
INTERVIEWER
But... why send for us? Ye know what we do?
ROSALIE
Oh, we know! You're like the mystical force that makes maggots eggs out of cow dung!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ROSALIE
"The Brotherhood of the Phoenix" they whisper! "What they do is like... when you have a fight with your sister in law, and you get your face pushed into a boiling pot of coque-au-vin, and you come out with your whole face burned off, but it's actually for the better because your skin looks so much nicer with the pockmarks burned off!"
INTERVIEWER
Right….? As ye'r servant points out - in her highly personal way - we help change people's appearance. Or rather, their identity. We don't normally engage in revolutions.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Why not? I'm asking you to kill France, and make it come back with a new identity.
Kozlowski
That is an intriguing way to look at it...
INTERVIEWER
So our first job would be to make people hate ye even more?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
To do that we'd need to create the scandal of the century...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Go on.
INTERVIEWER
Let me think...
(AN IMPROVISED POEM, AS HE'S THINKING)
Man o' War, me great-aunt Mable,
bring a spring upon her cable,
a pirate has a wooden leg,
unscrew the top and drink the dregs...
Aha!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What? Whatß!
INTERVIEWER
Oh this is good.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What is?
INTERVIEWER
This is excellent!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well tell us!
INTERVIEWER
This is sure to see France bilged on her anchor! Madame Marie Antoinette, Queen of France - are ye ready to be part of the most Machiavellian scheme France has ever seen?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I called you here didn't I?
INTERVIEWER
aye! Posthaste from the Caribbean. Here's me plan: That necklace ye refused - we're going to use it!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What, I suddenly order another necklace, and you think that tips the scales of public opinion?
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no. We are going to run a rig that's a lot more insidious than that. We will place ye in a position where, no matter how ye interpret the evidence, ye come out looking shifty as hell.
ROSALIE
"Shifty as hell"? That is a lazy simile, that! How about "shifty as a hooker's knickers"?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes I agree. That is better.
Right. Here's what we do. Let's say ye decide ye want the necklace after all, but, considering yer public image, ye decide to purchase it in secret.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
But then the public doesn't know?
INTERVIEWER
Don't worry, they'll find out. To get hold of the necklace, ye'll use a series of intermediaries. Oh, we need an accomplice. How about yer lover... what was her name?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(SOFTLY) Jeanne de la Motte.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
So what does Jeanne need to do?
INTERVIEWER
Wait. Our gallery of characters is not complete. Does the Queen have an enemy?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
An enemy? Only most Frenchmen, all of French aristocracy, my mother, my father and my husband.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we need someone whose reputation ye don't mind tarnishing.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(A BITTER CHUCKLE) Well, I really do despise The Cardinal de Rohan...
INTERVIEWER
Uh! A cardinal! Promising! Who is this landlubber?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
He is a power hungry sleaze trying to get on my good side, in an attempt to weasel himself into Luddy's ministry.
INTERVIEWER
Sounds like the kind of bilge rat we're looking for!
ROSALIE
He always slaps my arse when he passes me in the halls at Versailles. But he doesn't like it when I do it back!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
He's a contemptible man. And an ambitious idiot.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! Jeanne shall befriend this Cardinal de Rohan, and reveal to him that ye find yerself utterly enamored with him.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What?! Jeanne is a good liar, but I don't know if even she could sell that!
INTERVIEWER
Alright… Then we'll let him meet ye! A secret rendezvous where ye tell him in person how ye feel...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
No, no, no! He'll hear the disdain in my voice!
INTERVIEWER
Hm... Well, maybe it is better anyway if it isn't the Queen herself... Then ye can be somewhere else and have an alibi...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Capt'n Dead-Eye, do ye still know how to get hold of Nicole Le Guay d'Oliva?
KOZLOWSKI
Any pirate who has cracked Jenny’s tea cup knows where to find Nicole.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Who is Nicole Le Guay d'Oliva?
KOZLOWSKI
Miss d'Oliva is a Parisian lady of the night who looks so much like the Queen, she can make a living off it.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
And how do you know this strumpet?
ROSALIE
Oh, I know how he knows!
KOZLOWSKI
I was the one who gave her yer face, Madame.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
You what?!
INTERVIEWER
Nicole, posing as the Queen, will promise de Rohan that all past disagreements are forgotten, and that ye are now "looking forward".
MARIE ANTOINETTE
To what...?
INTERVIEWER
A secret affair!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Ugh!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Nicole will suggest that the most romantic thing the Cardinal could do for ye, is help ye acquire the infamous diamond necklace!
Now. It is essential that the payments cannot be traced back to the Crown. Which is why ye are asking the Cardinal if he can cover the down-payments. Ye promise to pay him back later - "with interest". If ye know what I mean...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Ugh!!
INTERVIEWER
Nana, don't worry. It will never come to that. De Rohan will cover the first down-payment, acquire the necklace, and deliver it to me, posing as a valet. Time comes for the second down payment, and the third... but so far, de Rohan has not received a single livre from ye.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Huh... He is well off, being a cardinal, but at some point, he will have no more money to front.
INTERVIEWER
He'll be as broke as a carouser!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
But... if de Rohan is out of money, Boehmer and Bassenge don't get paid?
INTERVIEWER
No. And de Rohan will send them directly to ye.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Then what do I say?
INTERVIEWER
Deny it all, of course! Ye act shocked and upset!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(COIN DROPS) Because... I haven't ordered the necklace...?
INTERVIEWER
Indeed. It has all been a ploy by the naughty con-woman Jeanne de la Motte and her accomplice Cardinal de Rohan!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
OK... but we want people to hate me?
INTERVIEWER
Avast! We're getting there! I presume ye can make sure Cardinal de Rohan gets arrested?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Of course. Seeing him arrested at Versailles would be very gratifying. Oh! I'll ask the guards to intercept him in the Hall of Mirrors as he's on his way to officiate mass in the palace chapel.
INTERVIEWER
Good. When the cardinal gets arrested, he will insist he is innocent, but it is his word against the Queen's, right? And I guess King Luddy will back ye up.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
He will, he'll be livid, but... now you've just successfully blamed someone else! How does this trigger the revolution!?
INTERVIEWER
We're almost there!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
This plan is too convoluted! Can't I just run around naked in the streets or something?
INTERVIEWER
People will think ye are crazy, that doesn't help us.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
So far I'm not convinced.
INTERVIEWER
We've just come to the part I'm most excited by - the trial! Nothing can be proven, everyone accusing everyone!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
And that's good?
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED)
Good?! The Queen will accuse the Cardinal! The Cardinal will accuse Jeanne de la Motte! Jeanne de la Motte will accuse the Queen! Boehmer and Bassenge will accuse anyone and everyone! The Cardinal will swear he met ye in person, ye'll swear ye did no such thing and a prostitute sharing yer likeness will be called to testify! It'll be a sensational maelstrom of confusion!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Sure, it'll be a riot, but... how do we ensure that I will be found guilty?
INTERVIEWER
No matter!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Of course it matters!
INTERVIEWER
De Rohan may be found guilty or acquitted - no matter. Ye may be found guilty or acquitted - no matter!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I will be acquitted! All the judges are ours!
INTERVIEWER
Well, so be it!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
But - !
INTERVIEWER
The only thing that matters is public opinion! When reading about this trial in the papers, what will people think?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I don't know?
INTERVIEWER
They will think ye orchestrated the whole thing! Ye wanted another shiny trinket and ye've used Jeanne de la Motte and the Cardinal to get it. Yer plan failed, so ye let de Rohan take the blame. Meaning ye're no longer just "Madam Deficit", but "Madam Deceit"!
ROSALIE
(CHEERING) Neat!
INTERVIEWER
After a scandalous affair like that, only the worst of words will be used about Queen Marie Antoinette!
ROSALIE
The Queen'll be remembered as a right ol' cunt! Hurray!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Wait - what about Jeanne? Whatever happens, she'll be found guilty! She will be sent to Salpêtrière - the women's prison!
INTERVIEWER
We won't let anything happen to Jeanne. Both since ye care about her - and because she still has an important part to play.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
She does?
INTERVIEWER
Aye. After a short while, we will help her escape Salpêtrière. We shall sail Jeanne to London in the Small Fancy -
KOZLOWSKI
(CLEARS THROAT)
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
KOZLOWSKI
(CLEARS THROAT RATHER VIOLENTLY)
INTERVIEWER
Wha- Oh blisterin' barnacles! I forgot our ship fell apart. We will arrange other transport across the channel, then Jeanne will take refuge in London.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
How can she help us from there?
INTERVIEWER
Safely in London, Jeanne will publish her "Mémoires Justificatif" in which, once again, she libels Queen Marie Antoinette. If the revolution hasn't happened already, she will surely fan the revolutionary flames with such a book!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
It wouldn't hurt if she wrote about our real relationship too...
INTERVIEWER
Brilliant! Always throw in some debauchery for extra effect! Meanwhile, me and Capt'n Dead-Eye will publish salacious and degrading pamphlets, defaming ye and discrediting the Bourbon monarchy. Ye'll become an enemy of the French people. And once royalty is an enemy, well… there is only one solution...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
A revolution.
INTERVIEWER
Mutiny! Beginning now, Capt'n Dead-Eye and I will stay in Paris, and slowly infiltrate the revolutionaries. When the day comes, we will pose as executioners and build ye a fake guillotine. We don't want ye cleaved to the brisket.
beat.
Are ye convinced yet?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I am.
INTERVIEWER
Good. Let's heave ho!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Do you know what the funniest thing about all this is?
INTERVIEWER
No?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
The necklace... It isn't even pretty! It's really, really tacky!
INTERVIEWER
Hah! That reminds me. The bounty.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Yes, how shall you be paid?
INTERVIEWER
This will be quite the expensive affair. It will take years. We will have to take up residence in Paris, infiltrate the revolutionaries, run an illegal printing press, pay Jeanne...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Do you have something in mind?
INTERVIEWER
How about 2 million livres?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Can it be paid in the form of say … a diamond necklace?
INTERVIEWER
It certainly can.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Sounds like a cheap price for freedom, equality and brotherhood.
INTERVIEWER
We also need a new place to live. Can ye help us find a house in Paris?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
There is a small house in the shadow of Montmartre Abbey. I used it as a meeting place for my trysts with Jeanne. You may have it and make it your home.
INTERVIEWER
What should we pose as this time, Capt'n?
KOZLOWSKI
I have been working on an idea for when piracy came to an end.
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
KOZLOWSKI
A pair of traveling magicians.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! That sounds fun! Two mages! And we can have revolutionary identities on the side!
MONTMARTRE CEMETERY.
ALVINA
Les Deux Magots!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Long before it was a café, there was a tiny shop here in Paris where two mages, Les Deux Magots, sold fireworks and mechanical birds and powdered dragon-bones for rheumatism.
ALVINA
So that's why you're so fond of that place!
Interviewer
Ah yes… Fun memories, Alvina, fun memories! Oh I miss the mustache. You know, it reached all the way down to my collarbone, and I used to stroke it thoughtfully…
(ALVINA LAUGHS)
ALVINA
You know, I can just picture that!
So what about Marie Antoinette? What happened to her in the end?
INTERVIEWER
Well…
BACK ON THE BEACH IN FRANCE
INTERVIEWER
Now Madame, what do ye want for yer new life?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Well, for one, I'm more than happy to be rid of Luddy. The revolution will be the end of him, won't it?
INTERVIEWER
Revolutionaries give no quarter. Unless we fake his death too?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Not worth it I think.
INTERVIEWER
Well, dead men tell no tales.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
As for myself, I want to try living with someone I actually like.
BEAT.
I would like to start a new life with Jeanne. Anywhere - as long as it's with her.
KOZLOWSKI
After Jeanne has published her "Mémoires Justificatif" in London, we shall fake her death too. Then we can set the two of ye up as sheep-farmers in the Carpathian Mountains.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
That sounds... Hard. But lovely.
INTERVIEWER
Me hearties! We have a plan! Do ye have anything to toast with? Our wine cellar just... sank. And yer servant has finished the bottle of rum and is three sheets to the wind.
ROSALIE
(HICCUPS) Sorry about that…
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot in the carriage. Rosalie, will you?
ROSALIE
As swiftly as a sparrow, Madame!
(BURPS)
(ROSALIE HURRIES OFF)
INTERVIEWER
Veuve Clicquot? What is that?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Oh, it's a sparkling wine.
INTERVIEWER
Sparkling Wine? I haven't heard of it?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
The winery was founded only ten years ago. But it is one of the best sparkling wine's you can get.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I try anything once…
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
What is wrong?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
(SIGHS) It’s just... ironic. You and me, we are the true masterminds of the French revolution - yet I will be seen as the dumbbell who caused it.
(ROSALIE COMES RUNNING WITH A BOTTLE AND FLUTES, HANDING THEM OUT)
ROSALIE
I'm back!
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE BOTTLE AND POURS)
INTERVIEWER
Thank ye, Rosalie.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
To what shall we drink?
INTERVIEWER
To clever dumbbells!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
To clever dumbbells!
KOZLOWSKI
To clever dumbbells!
ROSALIE
To clever dumbbells and their servants!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Oh, shut up Rosalie!
(VARIOUS CHEERS AND SOUNDS OF APPROVAL)
(THEY ALL DRINK)
THEME TUNE AND CREDITS.
PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Deana Berchenbriter and featured Hayley Evenett as Marie Antoinette, Lindsay Sharman as Rosalie, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Benjamin Noble as Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Cole and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
A big thank you to Laurence Owen and Long Cat Media for recording assistance.
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And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
KOZLOWSKI
We are missing one important detail.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? What is that?
KOZLOWSKI
A quote.
INTERVIEWER
What do ye mean?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
What kind of quote?
KOZLOWSKI
"For God so loved the world, he gave his only son."
ROSALIE
That's the bible, innit!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
John, 3:16.
KOZLOWSKI
"To be or not to be".
ROSALIE
Hamlet! By that... Shakespeare guy!
KOZLOWSKI
"But the Earth does move!"
ROSALIE
Oh, oh! Is that the Italian fella, said the Earth goes around the Sun?
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Galileo.
INTERVIEWER
It is the epitaph on his gravestone: "Eppur si muove".
KOZLOWSKI
Ye would know, ye carved it.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) What's yer point, Capt'n?
KOZLOWSKI
Even the maid knows these quotes. Pamphlets and trials are all well and good, but imagine a sentence ye could repeat without even mentioning the Queen's name, yet everyone immediately knows who ye're talking about.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
You mean... a sentence to hate me by?
KOZLOWSKI
To mock ye by, Madame.
INTERVIEWER
Hm...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
Hm...
KOZLOWSKI
Hm...
ROSALIE
Hm… Oh! How about: "Let them eat cake"?
INTERVIEWER
What?!
KOZLOWSKI
"Let them eat cake!"
MARIE ANTOINETTE
That's perfect!
INTERVIEWER
Hold on! But I said that!
KOZLOWSKI
Aye! And it was a perfect display of arrogance and ignorance!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
May I have it?
INTERVIEWER
(DEEPLY INSULTED)
Yes of course. It is yers to have, Madame.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
"Let them eat cake." Oh, that's good!
INTERVIEWER
I know, I cam up with it…
A FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
KOZLOWSKI
And that is how we helped Marie Antoinette fake her death.
JACKIE
Mhm. Mhm... - WHY did her servant have a cockney accent?!
KOZLOWSKI
It is just a -
JACKIE
(OVERLAPPING)
Don't say it -
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
- translation.
JACKIE
(SIMULTANEOUSLY, WITH A SIGH)
- translation...
BACK ON THE BEACH IN FRANCE.
ROSALIE
Everything is turning out alright, innit! It's as lovely as a drunk cock in the morning, this is!
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I thought you said a drunk cock couldn't stand up?
ROSALIE
Exactly! Then it won't cock-a-doodle you awake in the wee hours of the morning, will it!
BEAT.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I'm still not sure if you're talking about a bird or a -
END OF THE EPISODE.