EPISODE 69 - HENRY AVERY
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. This episode is dedicated to super patron Tim McMackin who will die in a sword swallowing stunt gone wrong, and reappear as a cinema projectionist in Shetland. Enjoy the show!
PROLOGUE - CAPTAIN'S CABIN ONBOARD THE HONSELAARSDIJK, THE ATLANTIC OCEAN, 1696
(THE SHIP HEAVES TO AND FRO)
(A MAN GROANS. IT IS THE DUTCH CAPTAIN OF THE HONSELAARSDIJK)
CAPTAIN
Moeder? Will you sing me to sleep? Tomorrow, can Pompy come to play?
KOZLOWSKI
He is delirious.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear.
CAPTAIN
Your two lips, like pickled cherries. Kiss me goodnight, moeder.
KOZLOWSKI
Captain, that is not your mother.
CAPTAIN
It's not?
INTERVIEWER
No, I'm not. Sorry.
(LOUD, SLOW) Captain, do you know where you are?
CAPTAIN
(CONFUSED) Where... I..?
INTERVIEWER
We're in your cabin on The Honselaarsdijk.
CAPTAIN
(THOUGHTFUL) The Honselaarsdijk...
INTERVIEWER
Ring any bells?
A MOMENT OF CLARITY.
CAPTAIN
Yes. Yes! My fluyt.
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
CAPTAIN
The storm!
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
CAPTAIN
(PANIC) My cargo!
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS) Washed overboard, I'm afraid. Along with most of the crew.
CAPTAIN
(GROANS) This voyage is cursed. Did you feel it? Weeks ago. Back in Amsterdam. A blight came aboard.
(GIGGLES) Cursed! Pompy will be sad!
INTERVIEWER
Right… He's gone again.
KOZLOWSKI
Pass the bone saw, if you please.
INTERVIEWER
Bone saw? For delirium?
KOZLOWSKI
No, for the gangrenous leg.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that.
A CLANK AS THE INTERVIEWER SIFTS THROUGH MEDICAL IMPLEMENTS.
INTERVIEWER
Here we go.
KOZLOWSKI
That is too small. I need the big bone saw.
INTERVIEWER
This one?
KOZLOWSKI
No, bigger.
(CLATTERING UNTIL THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OUT A BLADE)
INTERVIEWER
This one!
KOZLOWSKI
No! Bigger! I will find it.
(KOZLOWSKI SIFTS THROUGH HIS TOOLS. THE PATIENT GROANS)
CAPTAIN
The veil is lifting. (GROANS) I die now.
INTERVIEWER
I'd rather you didn't.
KOZLOWSKI
It would be terrible for morale.
INTERVIEWER
Come on, old man. The passengers need you. Your crew needs you. What is left of them. And we're so close! Hang on in there, old chap. We're only three days out from New Orange.
MONTMARTRE CEMETERY
ALVINA
Hold on, wait. New Orange?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
What on earth is New Orange?
THE INTERVIEWER
(AS IF IT'S OBVIOUS)
Bu-? New Orange! The city!
ALVINA
New Orange is a city?
THE INTERVIEWER
INCREDULOUS
Yes!
ALVINA
I have never heard of it.
THE INTERVIEWER
LAUGHS
I'm pretty sure you have!
ALVINA
Is it in the Caribbean?
THE INTERVIEWER
No!
ALVINA
Does it still exist?
THE INTERVIEWER
Does it still - ! Are you having me on?
ALVINA
No?
THE INTERVIEWER
Then you must be half asleep! It is way past midnight... Do we need to go get a coffee?
ALVINA
No, I don’t need coffee, I am fine, I've just never heard of New Orange!
THE INTERVIEWER
Alvina, Alvina! You've even been there!
ALVINA
N- I am confident I've never been to any city named after citrus fruit. New or old.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, that's true, we never actually got there. We ended up eating early morning donuts instead. They were incredible donuts, though, weren’t they…
ALVINA
Early morning... are you talking about...?
THE INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS)
Yes, New Orange! Manhattan! Broadway! Times Square! The Statue of Liberty!
ALVINA
New York?
THE INTERVIEWER
New- York… Yes, oh, of course. New York. How could I forget?
ALVINA
(LAUGHS) You thought it was called New Orange?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, well that is because it was! The Dutch called it New Orange! For a while. Didn't stick.
ALVINA
Can’t see why… Good thing though, or it would never have become the Big Apple.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes… Ha ha...
ALVINA
So you and Kozlowski came traveling from Holland? Did you live there?
THE INTERVIEWER
Only briefly. We had a client die by collapsing dam, and... hrm... left a quarter of the country under water.
ALVINA
Whoops…
INTERVIEWER
Whoops indeed… Next up: The Americas! Or so we thought. Ehm… Should I get back to the story?
ALVINA
Sure. So, the captain was on his last legs and you were three days out of New Mandarin.
THE INTERVIEWER
Orange.
ALVINA
Sorry. New Nectarine.
THE INTERVIEWER
Okay now you're just being silly.
ALVINA
New Pomegranate!
THE INTERVIEWER
It wasn't me who came up with it!
ALVINA
New Lime, New Tangerine!
(FADES)
BACK AT THE SHIP
CAPTAIN
My eyes, so heavy. Tuck me in. I go now, moeder.
(THE CAPTAIN SNORES AS HE SLIPS INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS. A CLANK, AS KOZLOWSKI FINDS THE LARGE SAW)
KOZLOWSKI
(CHIPPER) Here it is.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, so you meant the enormous bone saw.
(WHISPERS) Shhh. I think he's fallen asleep.
(KOZLOWSKI SLAPS THE CAPTAIN INTO WAKEFULNESS. THE CAPTAIN GIVES A SMALL SHRIEK)
KOZLOWSKI
Captain! Wake up! Here. Bite down on this.
INTERVIEWER
You woke him up to saw his leg off?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. I would want to be awake.
INTERVIEWER
You might, but I doubt…
(INTERRUPTED BY A DEATH RATTLE)
INTERVIEWER
Captain? Cap- Oh dear. That sounds like a 'death rattle'.God's teeth. Not another one.
(GENTLE) Bon voyage, good Captain. (SIGHS)
(A BEAT AS THEY CONTEMPLATE MORTALITY)
KOZLOWSKI
Bon Voyage, Captain…
(CHIPPER) Well, there is no point wasting a perfectly good corpse.
(CLOTHES RIPPING)
INTERVIEWER
What are you doing?
(THE EFFORT OF SAWING IS EVIDENT AS KOZLOWSKI SPEAKS. BONE SAW. NAUSEOUS INTERVIEWER)
KOZLOWSKI
I am harvesting rib. (GRUNT) It is remarkably similar to nasal cartilage. (grunt) One day I shall fashion a nose so magnificent--
INTERVIEWER
--But this is the Captain, old chap. Shouldn't you leave him alone?
(STILL SAWING)
KOZLOWSKI
Death cares not for status. (GRUNT) We are all equal under its yoke. (GRUNT) Almost all of us.
INTERVIEWER
But the crew, they're a superstitious lot. They won't like it.
(SAWING STOPS. A SNAP AS KOZLOWSKI WRENCHES A RIB FROM HIS CHEST)
KOZLOWSKI
They will not know. I will tidy him up afterwards. I always do.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not sure you're as a discreet as you think. In fact, I rather think they already suspect…
THE BOATSWAIN BURSTS IN.
BOATSWAIN
(URGENT) How is he? I've brought rum.
INTERVIEWER
Oh lovely! Go and heat it up with a bit of nutmeg, there's a good chap. Yummy.
BOATSWAIN
(ANNOYED) It's for the Captain, not you.
Captain?
HE CATCHES SIGHT OF THE CAPTAIN.
BOATSWAIN
Oh no. No nonono. No. You said you could save him.
KOZLOWSKI
Did I? How reckless of me.
BOATSWAIN
What happened to his chest? Why are his ribs sticking out??
INTERVIEWER
Erm. Gangrene?
KOZLOWSKI
I will prepare the Captain for sea burial.
BOATSWAIN
(DAZED) Gangrene did that?
KOZLOWSKI
Unless you would prefer to keep him? There is an ancient embalming practice from Kanem-Bornu that uses pulverised cinnabar, I have been eager to try--
BOATSWAIN
Get away from him! Don't touch him. I said get away from him!
INTERVIEWER
Whatever's the matter?
BOATSWAIN
'What's the matter'?? The Captain's dead! That's what! And so is everyone else this... this... creature's had his way with!
INTERVIEWER
I think he’s talking about you.
KOZLOWSKI
I think he is.
BOATSWAIN
I knew I shouldn't have left the Captain alone with you! You're no healer! You're... you're...
INTERVIEWER
Now look here. He did his best. He's usually rather good at this sort of thing.
KOZLOWSKI
Well. In my defense, my tools and unguents were swept overboard during the last storm.
BOATSWAIN
(CRAZED, HAUNTED) The curs´ed storms! So many storms! As if the sickness weren’t enough... a score dead in less than a week. The rest wasted away, skin on bone.
But you two... look at you! Rosy cheeks! Bright-eyes! As hale and hearty as when you boarded in Amsterdam, six long weeks ago! You... you're unnatural!
INTERVIEWER
Now look here, good man. I can see you're upset. But we lost people too, you know. There were five in our group at the start of this wretched journey. A brotherhood.
BOATSWAIN
Yeah! And where are the other three now? I'll tell you where! THAT one carved 'em up before they were cold and pickled bits of 'em in brine! Some brotherhood!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPER) I told you they suspected something.
BOATSWAIN
So you don't deny it! Desecrating your own men!
KOZLOWSKI
They agreed to it when they signed the contract.
BOATSWAIN
(HORROR) Contract?
KOZLOWSKI
To work with us. Clause 48, subsection d (paragraph ii). 'In the event of my death while employed by the Brotherhood of the Phoenix, I consent to my remains being used for science'.
BOATSWAIN
--devilry! You're the devil's minion! And as for you, you're his bedfellow!
INTERVIEWER
Bedfellow? Not my type, old bean.
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. A CREWMATE RUNS IN)
CREWMATE
Boatswain, you're needed on deck.
BOATSWAIN
The Captain's dead, Figgins. And mutilated! Seize these men!
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on. Let's calm down and be sensible about this.
BOATSWAIN
What are you waiting for? The Captain's dead! Because of them!
INTERVIEWER
But that's simply not true.
CREWMATE
The thing is, boatswain...
BOATSWAIN
What??
(A DISTANT CANNON BLAST)
KOZLOWSKI
Is that cannon fire?
BOATSWAIN
(HORROR) Oh no. No!
(IT HITS. SPLINTERED WOOD, SCREAMS, YELLS ETC)
BOATSWAIN
Pirates!? Now it's pirates?? What next, a giant squid??
INTERVIEWER
No, it’s… rather good timing, eh wot.
KOZLOWSKI
Very good…
(CANNON BLAST)
BOATSWAIN
What is it??
CREWMATE
Boatswain, they're flying Henry Avery's flag.
BOATSWAIN
(SHRIEKS) Henry AVERY!
INTERVIEWER
Ooh! Not just any old pirate, then. Henry Avery! The king of the pirates!
(MASSIVE CANNON HIT)
THEME TUNE, PIRATE STYLE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen. Episode 69 - Henry AVERY (1696). Guest Episode by Lindsay Sharman.
INTRO CREDITS.
THE INTERVIEW.
DECK OF THE FANCY, A LITTLE BIT LATER
(THE AMBIENCE IS DIFFERENT ONBOARD THE FANCY. THE AIR IS FILLED WITH HAPPY PIRATICAL 'YAR HARRING'. IN THE MIDDLE DISTANCE, THE SOUND OF SCREAMS AS THE DUTCH SHIP GOES DOWN)
(ANOTHER CANNON BLAST, THIS ONE CLOSER AS WE ARE NOW ON THE OTHER END OF THE BLASTS)
MISC PIRATE
She's going under!
(PIRATICAL CHEER. A SAD GLUG GLUG FROM THE DUTCH SHIP)
INTERVIEWER
Goodbye, Honselaarsdijk. You were... very difficult to pronounce. Ouch!
(THE INTERVIEWER IS POKED BY A SWORD)
DEREK THE PIRATE
Move it!
INTERVIEWER
You don't have to poke me with your sword, I'm co-operating.
DEREK THE PIRATE
No dilly-dallying!
KOZLOWSKI
Why have you brought us onboard?
DEREK THE PIRATE
Captain Avery wants a word with you two. That's Henry Avery. The King--
INTERVIEWER
--/King of the Pirates, yes we know.
DEREK THE PIRATE
(LEERS) Good. Heh heh heh.
INTERVIEWER
So that means this ship is The Fancy?
DEREK THE PIRATE
That’s right!
INTERVIEWER
The famous Fancy!
KOZLOWSKI
It is... small.
INTERVIEWER
That's what I was thinking! Much smaller than you'd expect. It's like when we met Elizabeth I, wasn't she tiny? Such a little head, like a blanched almond.
KOZLOWSKI
Little… But fearless… Fearless and frightening…
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) I know! She was, wasn’t she!
DEREK THE PIRATE
Shut your traps! In there, both of you. Go on! Move!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes alright.
(DOOR CREAK. THEY ENTER THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS)
INT. CAPTAIN'S CABIN, THE SMALL FANCY
DEREK THE PIRATE
Sit down. Don't touch anything! The Captain'll be along at his leisure. Heh heh.
(DOOR SLAM. THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ARE LEFT ALONE)
KOZLOWSKI
Why do you think they have only taken us captive?
INTERVIEWER
Our superior dental hygiene? Perhaps Captain AVERY would like tips on how to keep one's breath fresh on a prolonged diet of hard tack and dried anchovies.
KOZLOWSKI
Ugh.
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Or perhaps... might we have a customer?
KOZLOWSKI
Mmmm. He has a bounty on his head.
INTERVIEWER
Yes… A colossal bounty!
KOZLOWSKI
He is a wanted man. He needs to disappear.
INTERVIEWER
He's already trying to. I mean, look at this ship. This can't be The Fancy! Look at this room! The Captain's quarters of the world's richest man, and you could barely swing a cat. No, he's in hiding. All that loot, and he can't even spend it.
We could help him.
KOZLOWSKI
We could. But we must be careful. Avery is ruthless. He would sooner torture a man than pay for his services.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, and he'd enjoy it, too. So the question is, should we help him?
KOZLOWSKI
As much as I delight in discussing the ethical perimeters of our work, perhaps we should try and survive this encounter first.
INTERVIEWER
Agreed…
KOZLOWSKI
Agreed…
(CREAK. THE DOOR OPENS)
DEREK THE PIRATE
Stand up! Look smart. Captain AVERY's on his way. (OMINOUS) Good luck. Heh heh heh heh.
(HE SCUTTLES AWAY)
(OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. CLOMP. CLOMP. CLOMP)
INTERVIEWER
(MUTTERS) Don't look him in the eye. He's like a rabid dog; he'll take it as a threat.
KOZLOWSKI
A rabid dog…? Where should we look?
INTERVIEWER
Pretend there's an invisible parrot on his shoulder, and look at that.
(CLOMP. CLOMP. CLOMP. THE FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSER. THEY ENTER THE CABIN AND STOP)
INTERVIEWER
(NERVOUS) Captain AVERY…
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
AVERY
(LOUD, FAST) Alright, fellas, thanks for coming, sit down, sit down,
wait wait wait! Before I forget, gimme a sec, jesus--
HE OPENS THE DOOR AGAIN AND SHOUTS THROUGH IT.
AVERY
(CALLS) Oi! Don't just stand there holding your pricks, go pick up the survivors!
INTERVIEWER
Oh god…
AVERY
Yeah! Fish 'em out the water! Go on! It's your mess, you clean it up!
(HE CLOSES THE DOOR)
AVERY
Sorry lads, I said to them, 'ONE cannon blast, just one, that's all it needs', but the lads got over-excited, didn't they... sorry, what was your ship called again?
KOZLOWSKI
The Honselaarsdijk. It was Dutch.
AVERY
Dutch! Ohhh nothing like a pancake, is there? Knob of brandy butter on top - s'not just for Christmas, mate - nice bit of streaky bacon, bish bash bosh down the hatch, am I right? One second, one second.
(HE LEANS OUT OF THE DOOR AGAIN)
(CALLS) I can sense when you're dragging your feet! Get to it! Survivors! Now! Stop standing around with your cutlasses up your arse.
Crew
(DISTANT) Yes Chef! Sorry Chef!
(HE SHUTS THE DOOR)
Bloody hell. They're good lads, but fuck me, thick as pork fat in an idiot custard, know what I mean.
INTERVIEWER
Not really. May I ask what we're doing here, Captain AVERY?
(AVERY SITS DOWN WITH A BIG AHHHH)
AVERY
Brotherhood of the Phoenix, innit. That's you.
INTERVIEWER
And how did you come to hear that name, may I ask?
AVERY
Yeah, you fellas keep it a secret, don'tcha? Don't blame you, got a recipe for a crispy chicken coating that is going to the fackin' grave with me, try and get it out of me, you won't, you can't, There’s no point, don't try, don't even think about it, it ain't happening, wind yer neck in. But yeah, 'Brotherhood of the Phoenix', where did I hear it, lemme think…
(THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS. AVERY SLOWS DOWN A LITTLE IN HIS HAUNTING TALE)
AVERY
One night in New Providence. Few months back. Down by the shore I was, dopey and swaying with the drink. Water lapping at me feet. The moon hanging in a squid ink sky like a fresh ball of mozzarella. And then a voice... such a voice! Swam into my shell-likes. Drifting across the waves, a haunting siren song it was, that told of the two men who would not die, who gave new lives to others.
KOZLOWSKI
(BAFFLED) You met a siren? You heard such a creature and lived? And she sang of us?
AVERY
Nah I'm just pulling your leg! Hahaha! (LAUGHTER) Your faces! Eyyyy! Had you going there you twats. Nah, I heard it from the landlady of The 'Alf a Cutlass, this pub me and the lads like to patronise, does a bang-up mutton rum stew with ghost peppers, phwooooar spicy! Lovely stuff. Anyway, she told me you fellas could help with my little problem.
INTERVIEWER
Which is?
AVERY
I've got this rash on me bollocks...
INTERVIEWER
Ah oh ah-
AVERY
nah, joking, just joking with ya. It's, errr, well... (CLEARS THROAT). I'm, errr. Yeah. Not sure how to put it, now it comes to it. You see the problem is... the problem is...
INTERVIEWER
...that you are the most hunted man in the world?
AVERY
Bish bash bosh, have a banana, ding ding, we have a winner for the meat raffle, oi oi oi. (beat) (FLATLY) Yeah, that's it.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well… It’s a tricky problem. All eyes are on you, Captain Avery. The whole world watches. And our services are not cheap.
AVERY
Well, you know I'm good for it. I'm the richest man in the world. Fat wads Avery, that's me.
INTERVIEWER
But your loot is problematic, is it not? I mean, you stole the incomparable Mughal treasure from the Ganj-i-sawai. Highly identifiable, and in such vast quantities that even moving it puts you at risk of discovery. I mean, your crew are highly identifiable too, and if captured, would be tortured until they revealed your movements. In essence, Captain Avery, it is not just you that needs a new identity, but your crew, and the loot too.
AVERY
Sounds pretty bloody bad when you put it like that.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It is a terrible problem... for Henry Avery.
AVERY
Yup.
INTERVIEWER
One almost feels sorry for Henry Avery.
AVERY
Uhm… Thanks?
INTERVIEWER
Except when one remembers that Henry Avery is an ex-slaver. A torturer. A rapist. A murderer. And then one does not feel sorry for Henry Avery. Not at all.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
AVERY
I should kill you for that.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, one does not say that sort of thing to Henry Avery's face, does one?
AVERY
Not without one finding out what one's own spleen looks like, no.
INTERVIEWER
So thank goodness he's not here. But where exactly is he, and why is a ship's cook pretending to be him?
BEAT.
AVERY
How did you know I'm a ship's cook?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean your crew did call you 'chef'.
AVERY
Christ in a bun, they really are stupid.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. And you do talk about food a lot.
AVERY
Ah, bollocks. (SIGHS) Well maybe I do talk about food a lot. Maybe I'm a bloody good ship's cook. What I can do with a piece of hard tack is nothing short of magic.
Yeah, alright. You got me. My name's Jack Boyd. And I may not be Henry AVERY, but I do have his loot, and I have his crew, and if any of us get caught, we're bloody toast. So you gonna help us or not?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I find you very interesting indeed. So yes. We'll help you. But first, I think you need to tell us your story.
(A LITTLE SLOWER NOW)
AVERY
Not all pirates are merciless killers, y'know. Most were just normal sailors, sick of being treated like dirt. Less than dirt. I was in the British navy as a lad, I saw what they did to their own people. Grueling, dangerous work, terrible wages, and once they break your body? Kicked out without a penny. Left on the streets to starve. So tell me, what would you do?
Ahhh, you're a couple of toffs, you wouldn't understand. But for the rest of us... piracy's the only chance we have to make proper money and get out of the game. Just enough to buy a piece of land. Settle down, have a family. Get a dog. Write a book of rum-based desserts.
INTERVIEWER
But that's nothing more than a dream, my good man. What's the average; three years before a pirate is caught and hanged for their crimes?
AVERY
Well, it says something that we think it's worth the risk. (DARKLY) But o'course... there's some pirates that put your very soul in peril.
INTERVIEWER
Avery.
AVERY
(SIGHS) Avery. And a lot of his crew were wankers, too. The rot starts at the top, as they say.
Bugger me, I chose the wrong ship to join. The Fancy. Colossal it was, like his ambition. So many mouths to feed, that for a while, I was too busy working to think about... his methods.
(VERY DARK) But last year, when they captured the Mughal treasure... what they did to those people... I couldn't take it no more.
INTERVIEWER
Why didn't you leave?
AVERY
I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. See, after the sacking of the Ganj-i-Sawai, Avery had to lay low. He wrecked The Fancy and took a different ship - identical to the Fancy, but scaled down.
INTERVIEWER
(UNDERSTANDING THE SITUATION) This ship.
AVERY
Correct. The Small Fancy. Much faster, see. And not only that, but it creates an illusion: other ships think we're further away than we are. Too far away to chase. Clever, ey?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Very clever. But if Avery scaled down, wasn't that an opportunity for you to leave?
AVERY
Oh yeah. It was. Most of the crew were sent on their way with a share of the loot, and I thought 'right, this is it, I am out of here'. But Avery said no. He couldn't give up the best ship's cook that ever sailed the seven seas, could he? So there I was, stuck with a psychopath, roasting his hams and icing his buns, right at the centre of the biggest manhunt in history.
INTERVIEWER
How terribly uncomfortable. But tell me, why haven't you been caught? It's been more than a year since Avery took the Mughal treasure...
AVERY
Turns out, no-one's brave enough to challenge the King of the Pirates. Won't go near us, will they. Even the privateers, the professional bounty hunters. Because they don't think he's a man. They think he's tainted. They think he's the devil himself.
INTERVIEWER
They're superstitious.
AVERY
(AGREES) Sailors, innit. They think their souls at risk if a dolphin so much as looks at 'em sideways. But lemme tell you; whatever anyone says, Avery was just a man. I've seen him with bits of egg in his beard. He used to laugh at his own farts. Not just sometimes, either; every time. When it comes down to it, Avery was just another horrible twat. So I don't regret what I did. I don't. Someone had to do something.
INTERVIEWER
And what was that?
AVERY
Poisoned bumbo.
INTERVIEWER
I beg your pardon.
AVERY
(ENTHUSIASTIC) Bumbo! Oh it's beautiful. I've made some tweaks to the basic recipe, but you take a lovely dark rum, some water, bit o'sugar, pinch o'nutmeg--
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Yes! Yes! Heated up?
AVERY
Not too much, don't wanna burn off the rum!
INTERVIEWER
No indeed!
AVERY
And sometimes I like to add some lime and a l'il bit o' coconut water, gives it a lovely sharp and savoury edge and hides the poison pretty effectively too.
KOZLOWSKI
May I ask what poison you used?
AVERY
An old Borgia recipe - cantarella.
KOZLOWSKI
You had access to cantarella?!
AVERY
Well, every good cook knows what plants and fungi to avoid, y'see, and by the same token, we make rather good poisoners.
(CLEARS THROAT) I might have served this, er, 'special' bumbo to a few of the other pirates, too. Only the 'orrible ones, you understand.
INTERVIEWER
I see. So you poisoned him and several other wrong 'uns, and then... assumed Avery's identity. But why?
AVERY
Well the lads thought it was a good idea.
INTERVIEWER
The lads?
AVERY
Yeah, my lads from the kitchen. You've met some of 'em. They was firing cannon balls at you. One of 'em escorted you in here.
INTERVIEWER
(REALISATION) Wait. They worked in your kitchen?
AVERY
Originally, yeah. They had to take new roles, didn't they. We all did.
INTERVIEWER
(BAFFLED) Do you mean to say, the only people you didn't poison were the kitchen staff?? You mean this ship is crewed by kitchen staff!?
AVERY
Yeah, it's been a nightmare figuring out how to steer this bloody thing. (DEFENSIVE) But we're learning fast. And they're good lads, thick as a walrus smoothie, but good lads, and they look up to me. I give 'em a hard time but they know I'll protect 'em when the chips are down. And if the world thinks Avery's still captain of this ship, then--
INTERVIEWER
--then you're all protected. Because no-one dares challenge the devil himself.
AVERY
That's right.
(GLUM) But it won't last much longer, will it? Greed always wins. Any day now, some avaricious bastard's gonna come after the bounty. Me and the lads are living on borrowed time.
But see, that's why you're here. A few weeks ago, Brenda told me you'd be able to help--
INTERVIEWER
--Brenda?
AVERY
The landlady of the 'Alf a Cutlass.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. The siren. I wonder how Brenda knew of us? And where we'd be...
AVERY
Oh, Brenda knows everything. If you're ever in trouble, go find Brenda.
INTERVIEWER
(ARCH) Oh really. Why don't you just ask Brenda to help you disappear, then?
AVERY
You fellas don't seem as busy.
(THE INTERVIEWER SPLUTTERS IN PROTEST)
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERS) Well I, I, that's not, I--
AVERY
So what's the plan?
(AVERY IGNORES HIM, GETS UP)
AVERY
'ere, I dunno about you fellas, but I do my best thinking with a hot, stimulating beverage and a baked good.
(AVERY OPENS THE WINDOW AND SHOUTS)
AVERY
(CALLS) Service! Come on come on! Three bumbos and a plate of French Fancies! Chop chop lads, let's get some energy in here!
(AVERY TURNS BACK TO THEM)
AVERY
Coming right up.
INTERVIEWER
Lovely. Thank you.
AVERY
So! Any ideas, fellas?
INTERVIEWER
French Fancy first?
KOZLOWSKI
Well… Perhaps I am unduly influenced by very recent events, namely the sinking of the seemingly accursed Honselaarsdijk, but the tale of the Flying Dutchman springs to mind.
INTERVIEWER
Ahhh! Yes. The Flying Dutchman: the legendary ghost ship, doomed to sail the oceans forever.
KOZLOWSKI
The mere sight of this ship is said to send a man to a watery grave. And thus, it is a ship one would very much wish to avoid...
INTERVIEWER
Indeed indeed! Well now. Excellent idea, old boy. From one cursed identity to another, more effective cursed identity!
AVERY
(CONFUSED) You what? What are you talking about?
INTERVIEWER
This ship will cast aside its disguise as The Fancy, and don a new disguise, as The Flying Dutchman. And you, Boyd, will become the ghostly captain of the aforementioned Flying Dutchman; the wretched, cursed Captain Hendrick van der Decken!
For this, we will need a quantity of white paint for the ship's hull and mast, some bio-luminescent algae, ghostly versions of the crews' current attire, and an Aztec death whistle.
AVERY
An Aztec what?
INTERVIEWER
Imagine the death rattle of an ancient God. That is the sound it makes. Truly an abomination. It will certainly frighten off any ship that comes too close, should the luminescent ghostliness not prove sufficiently off-putting.
Hm, we will also need to spread a few rumours on-shore, to give renewed vigour to the legend of the Flying Dutchman. Perhaps the remaining passengers of the Honselaarsdijk that you've fished out of the water can be convinced to participate. After the trials they've endured, their minds will be marvelously malleable. We will whisper in their ears and then set them ashore under cover of night.
(KITCHEN BOY ARRIVES WITH BUMBO)
KITCHEN BOY
Mr Boyd sir - sorry, I mean, Captain Avery sir! - three pints of bumbo and a plate of French Fancies.
AVERY
Good lad. Now piss off.
(HE LEAVES)
INTERVIEWER
Oh they're in the shape of tiny ships, oh how darling!
(THEY ENJOY THEIR DRINKS AND FRENCH FANCIES)
AVERY
So let me get this straight; you want me to be the captain of a ghost ship?
INTERVIEWER
(MOUTH FULL) Ahhh, to dine on fine victuals once again! It's been too long. Mr Boyd, you really are an excellent cook.
AVERY
Yes. That is what I am!
INTERVIEWER
(MOUTH FULL) To go back to the matter in hand, Mr Boyd, you shall have to heave the Mughal treasure over the side.
AVERY
You what??
INTERVIEWER
You certainly can't spend it. And you certainly don't want to be caught with it, either. Oh, perhaps you could keep a few of the smaller items, ones that can be melted down in a discreet crucible. Otherwise, over the side it goes, I’m afraid! Ploppity plop.
AVERY
Ploppity what?
KOZLOWSKI
We can pick it up from the seabed when the heat dies down - say, in a couple of hundred years. Let us call it a deferred payment.
AVERY
Couple of hundred..?? So it's true what Brenda said about you!
KOZLOWSKI
We should have a word with that woman Brenda.
INTERVIEWER
Boyd, we should make haste to the island of Nassau, to obtain supplies. You can drop us off while we're there.
AVERY
(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Mmm. Yeah. I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
What's the matter? Why so glum? Don't you like the plan?
AVERY
I'll still be Captain.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! That's right. Captain Hendrick van der Decken. Can you do a Dutch accent? I mean it is one of the tricky ones. Perhaps you could employ one or two members of the Honselaarsdijk as crew, they could teach you--
AVERY
(INTERRUPTS) --but I don't want to be Captain. I want to be cook.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. I see. Well, a ship must have a Captain, Mr Boyd. Hmm. Might one of the other lads wish to assume the position? Then you can be ship's cook again.
AVERY
One of these lads?? Run a ghost ship? I barely trust 'em to make a cheese sandwich! A Captain needs certain qualities. A sharp mind. A thrusting nature. The ability to carry off a ruffled shirt.
INTERVIEWER
Can't you do both? Captain and cook?
AVERY
That's what I've been doing! And it doesn't work! Do you know how little time I've had in the kitchen this past year? These French Fancies, I didn't do 'em. I had to entrust my recipe to one of the lads and hope for the best.
INTERVIEWER
But they're excellent.
AVERY
(GROWLS) I make them better.
INTERVIEWER
Better than this?
AVERY
Look at that fondant anchor, it's all wonky.
INTERVIEWER
To disappear requires a certain degree of sacrifice, Mr Boyd.
AVERY
But to sacrifice who I am??
INTERVIEWER
That is literally the essence of assuming a new identity, yes. (SIGHS) But let me think.
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps there is another solution. One which is the same, but different. (THOUGHTFUL) Think of a ship. Agile, flexible, unfixed. A generator of wealth. A place and a means to establish oneself, and yet an unestablished place.
AVERY
Eh?
INTERVIEWER
Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?
Kozlowski
Think of it. The ability to travel with stealth across considerable distances. Loyal staff. Somewhere I could work away from prying bureaucrats, with excellent on-site storage and efficient waste disposal. And the sea-air does seem to agree with us.
INTERVIEWER
Well…
AVERY
Hang on. Somewhere YOU could work? Here? You want to work here? On my ship?
INTERVIEWER
A ghost ship! To spirit clients away!
KOZLOWSKI
Undetected, untraceable...
INTERVIEWER
And exceptionally well-fed.
AVERY
Wait a second wait a second-
INTERVIEWER
We would need to dictate the ship's course, of course. We will have to be in charge. Luckily I do look good in a ruffled shirt.
AVERY
You'd be Captain?
INTERVIEWER
We would take turns, I think. One month on, one month off.
AVERY
(EXCITED) And what sort of menu would the good Captains want to adorn their table?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, surprise us, Boyd! Expand our palates! Discover new and thrilling flavours from each place we visit!
What say you, man? A new identity as a ghost chef awaits, if you want it. Would you and your lads work for us?
AVERY
(LAUGHING) YES! Abso-fucking-lutely!
INTERVIEWER
Atta boy!
KOZLOWSKI
(CHEEKILY OMINOUS) There would, of course, be a contract to sign…
THEME TUNE AND END CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Tim McMackin and featured Toby Williams as Henry Avery, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Benjamin Noble as Derick the Pirate, Laurence Owen as the Captain and Boatswain, Torgny G. Aanderaa as crewmate, and Benjamin Noble, Laurence Owen and Torgny G. Aanderaa as pirates.
The episode was written by Lindsay Sharman with story editing by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, music by Fredrik Baden, direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager and dialogue editing by Philip Thorne. Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
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And now, the epilogue!
EPILOGUE.
THE ANTARCTIC. MONTHS LATER.
(THE LITTLE FANCY COMES DRIFTING THROUGH THE FOG AND CRASHES INTO AN ICEBERG. ICE FALLS ONTO THE DECK. KOZLOWSKI IS ON THE POOP DECK STEERING)
KOZLOWSKI
(AS THEY CRASH)
Hngh!
(THE INTERVIEWER COMES RUNNING FROM BELOW ONTO THE MAIN DECK, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM)
THE INTERVIEWER
Did we run ashore?
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry, but I cannot see anything in this fog! It is thick as pea soup.
the INTERVIEWER
Yes. And not the good kind that Boyd makes, with plenty of crispy bacon. Where are we?
(AVERY COMES ON DECK)
AVERY
Did I hear ice? Sweet as a nut!
(SHOUTS)
Ey! Lads! Scoop up some of that and make us some iced bumbo! Chop, chop, we're all thirsty!
(HE STRIDES OFF AGAIN)
KOZLOWSKI
We are either very far south or very far north.
INTERVIEWER
That storm really blew us off course... Wha- What is that?
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
That - on top of the iceberg? It's moving -
(A PENGUIN JUMPS ONTO DECK)
INTERVIEWER
(TERRIFIED SHRIEK) Ahh!
(THE PENGUIN CAWS AND WADDLES TOWARDS THEM. EXCITED KOZLOWSKI SOUNDS)
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHING) Well, hello there...
INTERVIEWER
(BACKING AWAY FROM THE BIRD) Get away! Get away from me!
KOZLOWSKI
What is wrong?
INTERVIEWER
Can you not see what it is?!
KOZLOWSKI
It is a strange looking bird...
INTERVIEWER
Captain Dead Eye...!
KOZLOWSKI
Ay?
INTERVIEWER
Do you not recognize it?
KOZLOWSKI (OVER PANICKED INTERVIEWER SOUNDS)
I do not think so. It is black and white, but it is nothing like a magpie or a swan… And I wonder..
INTERVIEWER
It's a Mebd-bird, Captain!
It - is - a - Mebd - bird!
(THE INTERVIEWER YELPS)
THE END.