EPISODE 71 - THE WICKED BIBLE
PIP
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. This episode is dedicated to super patron Parker Pearcy, who, during a cheese throwing contest in the Dutch town of Spakenburg, will be bludgeoned to death by a giant gouda and will reappear as an opera singer at La Fenice. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE
MONMARTRE CEMETERY
ALVINA
It's almost midnight…
INTERVIEWER
Midnight already. You know… At midnight the Eiffel Tower sparkles. If we go to Dalida's tomb, we'll see it. It's just around the corner.
ALVINA
Sure. I could do with moving a bit again…
(THEY GET UP AND START WALKING)
INTERVIEWER
(STRETCHING) Me too
You know, you're a good listener.
ALVINA
You're a good storyteller.
(PAUSE AS THEY WALK)
INTERVIEWER
What will … uhm… What will you do with them?
ALVINA
With what?
INTERVIEWER
My stories.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean - I'm entrusting you with the most precious stories I've collected. I'm passing them on to you, Alvina, so they won't be forgotten.
(THEY STOP WALKING)
Here we are.
ALVINA
And there's the Eiffel Tower. What a view!
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
(THEY TAKE IN THE VIEW)
ALVINA
Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
Your stories won't be forgotten.
INTERVIEWER
You'll keep telling them?
ALVINA
Oh. You know... storytelling isn't really my forte. But I was thinking I'd type everything up and provide an index so clients can easily be searched by period, profession and country. And with a few days at the British Library, I'm sure I could cross-reference every case with existing documentation from- from registries, letters, newspapers and gazettes of the time.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! And then you could publish it!
ALVINA
Yes- No, wait. I was thinking we'd destroy all digital copies, file the printouts into ring-binders, and keep them in the most secure corner of the secret archives.
INTERVIEWER
Where nobody would read them?
ALVINA
Well - That is the point of the secret archives.
INTERVIEWER
Don't you think that's a waste?
ALVINA
Sure, but what’s the alternative? You want us to air our dirty laundry in public?
INTERVIEWER
Dirty?
ALVINA
You know what I mean.
INTERVIEWER
Present it as fiction! Nobody will believe it anyway. Turn it into a play! Or better, a musical! Yes, Amelia can cash in the royalties! A new revenue stream based on our life's work.
ALVINA
Huh… Who owns the copyright?
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ALVINA
You or the clients? (THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEWER SOUND) Hmm... I should see if I can draft a contract that gives us exclusive rights to their stories.
INTERVIEWER
Ja, I mean - You can copyright anything. This view for example.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
It's copyrighted.
ALVINA
A view of the Eiffel Tower?
INTERVIEWER
Not by day. By day, you can snap away to your heart's content. But once it gets dark and those lights come on, well, the illumination is a copyrighted work of art.
ALVINA
You're joking!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not.
ALVINA
Wow.
INTERVIEWER
Pantone 219C.
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
The pink used by Barbie.
ALVINA
Also copyrighted?
INTERVIEWER
Trademarked.
ALVINA
Gosh. A colour?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. As Reese's orange, UPS brown, Tiffany blue, Post-It yellow, all trademarked. Then there's sounds...
ALVINA
Sounds?
INTERVIEWER
A Zippo lighter's click, Oh! The New York Stock Exchange bell.
ALVINA
Noted.
INTERVIEWER
Books belong to their author's of course, and become public property seventy years after their death. Though there are exceptions.
ALVINA
Such as?
INTERVIEWER
Peter Pan.
ALVINA
J.M Barrie.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, wonderful man. Barrie gifted eternal rights to Great Ormon Street Hospital. Did you know Peter Pan has been saving the lives of children to this day.
ALVINA
Huh. I did not know that. That's really beautiful!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. But of course the most famous example of eternal copyright for a book... is that of the book.
ALVINA
Which book?
INTERVIEWER
The book.
ALVINA
The book?
INTERVIEWER
The book of books. The original book. The book that sparked the printing revolution.
ALVINA
The…
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
You mean- The bible?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
Wait. The bible is copyrighted?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I hope you haven't been selling bootleg bibles Alvina.
ALVINA
Because Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John would rise from their graves to sue me?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Phew. Lucky escape!
INTERVIEWER
Someone higher up.
ALVINA
(SHOCKED) God?
INTERVIEWER
Lower.
ALVINA
Jesus.
INTERVIEWER
(CONSIDERS)... No, lower.
ALVINA
Uh... I give up. Tell me.
Beat.
INTERVIEWER
The Crown.
ALVINA
Um, the Crown?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. The Royal Family owns the eternal copyright to the King James Bible.
ALVINA
No way!
INTERVIEWER
Don't try and reprint, circulate passages, write commentaries or draw upon it in any way, or you could get your knuckles rapped by her Majesty.
ALVINA
Well, not that I was planning on doing any of those things but - You're seriously saying that if I go buy a bible, the Queen gets royalties?
INTERVIEWER
Royalties! I mean - where do you think that word comes from?
ALVINA
Huh! Of course!
INTERVIEWER
The monarch grants the privilege of bible printing to a favoured subject. Right now the Royal Letters Patent is held by Cambridge University Press, but back in 1631 it was held by a man named Robert Barker...
ALVINA
Is this the beginning of another story?
INTERVIEWER
Yes… I guess it is...
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and Sound Design by Alexander Danner. Episode 71 - The Wicked Bible. 1631
THE INTERVIEWER STEPS INTO ROBERT BARKER'S PRINTING WORKSHOP.
INTERVIEWER
Hello? Hello?
(HE WALKS AROUND. NOBODY THERE)
(TO HIMSELF) Bull's Pizzle! Too late.
(HE WALKS TO THE PRINTING PRESS)
Let me see if I can work this thing... Always wanted to take a stab at printing…
HE RUMMAGES AROUND THE LETTER TILES.
G - O - D. God. So, I arrange the letters in the frame like so... Now... Ah, yes, where is the ink?
A RUSTLE FROM THE CORNER OF THE ROOM.
What was that?
BEAT.
Mr Barker? Is that you?
(ROBERT BARKER EMERGES FROM UNDER A TABLE)
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Robert Barker?
BARKER
Who are you?
INTERVIEWER
Before I answer that, first, would you mind lowering that mallet?
BARKER
Don't come any closer or I will -
INTERVIEWER
Mr. Barker I am here to help you. The Brotherhood of the Phoenix is at your beck and call.
BARKER
The Brotherhood of The Phoenix?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. We help people disappear.
BARKER
This is very strange-
INTERVIEWER
Strange?
BARKER
It’s a coincidence, I... I found your address scratched into the wall above the urinal at The Hollybush this morning and was about to come to you.
INTERVIEWER
Well fancy that. I’ve saved you the trip.
BARKER
How... How did you find me?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! There's a sign over the door. Robert Barker - Royal Printer.
BARKER
Nononono, I mean how did you know I need your services?
INTERVIEWER
In my experience, a man hiding under a table with a giant mallet is amenable to the idea of disappearing…
BARKER
But-
INTERVIEWER
I'm still rather nervous of that mallet... Now that we’ve broken the ice… Can’t you put it down…?
BARKER
(LAUGHS) It's not a mallet.
INTERVIEWER
It's not? What is it then?
BARKER
An ink ball.
INTERVIEWER
What’s an ink ball?
BARKER
It's soft. Here you go, touch it!
INTERVIEWER
Oh thank you… Oh, it is! Leather, is it?
BARKER
Dog's skin stuffed with wool. What happens is, you pour ink onto a smooth surface like this… Make sure you have good coverage… And then you take the ball and pound it-
(BARKER POURS INK ONTO A TABLE)
INTERVIEWER
Oh my…
BARKER
Then you pound the ball into the ink…
(THUD, THUD, THUD, AS BARKER BRINGS THE INK BALL SMASHING DOWN ON THE TABLE)
...until it is evenly inked from all sides. There you go, see? Now you can apply the ink to the typeset.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh! May I?
BARKER
By all means!
INTERVIEWER
I'm fascinated by this newfangled printing malarkey.
(HE TAKES THE INK BALL FROM BARKER)
Ink ink ink... Looks even to me… Pin down the paper like so... Pushing in… And press!
(HE THROWS HIMSELF AGAINST THE LEVER)
BARKER
Harder than that, harder.
INTERVIEWER
Not so easy, is it?
(HE RELINQUISHES HIS GRIP)
Right. Oh, broke a sweat!
BARKER
You get used to it.
INTERVIEWER
Now, let me see... My first printed word... How exciting…
(HE OPENS THE PRESS AND REMOVES A SHEET OF PAPER)
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Oh dear…
BARKER
What is it?
INTERVIEWER
Well that is embarrassing.
BARKER
Well. Pass it over…
(BARKER TAKES THE PAPER)
Yes, just as I thought… (READS) "DOG."
INTERVIEWER
I forgot to reverse the type. It was meant to be GOD.
BARKER
I know. The ability to read text backwards when typesetting is one of the compositor's most important skills.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, I can see that now...
BARKER
In my profession, misplacing just three letters can have fatal consequences.
INTERVIEWER
That is why you are the printer and not I.
BARKER
(A WEAK LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER
Now, I believe you have a story for me?
BARKER
A story?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, you see - the need to disappear is always preceded by a story.
BARKER
Can we do this at your offices? It is not safe here.
INTERVIEWER
I’m not sure you’d like that, you see, my offices are above Holland's Leaguer.
BARKER
I know, I was just about to visit you, remember?
INTERVIEWER
Do you know what happens at Holland's Leaguer?
BARKER
I do.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) Oh. Well, I suppose we do have lots of men of God regularly entering the brothel, I just thought -
BARKER
(LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARKER
I am hardly a Man of God.
INTERVIEWER
You are not God-fearing?
BARKER
Of course I am! But "Man of God" is a term reserved for the clergy.
INTERVIEWER
Pah, the clergy! Nono, come on, you are so much more influential than the clergy!
BARKER
I am just a humble printer!
INTERVIEWER
You spread God's message! The word of God is made manifest in this very workshop is it not? It passes through that press letter by letter, word for word.
BARKER
I print the bible, yes.
INTERVIEWER
How many words are in the bible?
BARKER
783,137.
INTERVIEWER
How many tiles is that?
BARKER
3,116,480.
INTERVIEWER
Then I daresay you have a much more intimate knowledge of the bible than any priest or bishop.
BARKER
That is true. I guess I know the bible backwards.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Literally!
BEAT.
And you are the only printer in England to disseminate the bible?
INTERVIEWER
The only one to do so legally.
INTERVIEWER
You channel God's message! You are the conduit to God! Quite the responsibility.
BARKER
(WEAKLY) Indeed. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
INTERVIEWER
How long have you held the royal bible printing patent?
BARKER
King James commissioned his new bible in 1604.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BARKER
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
I mean, why did he commission a new bible? Why wasn’t the old one good enough?
BARKER
The original bible did not show enough respect for royalty.
INTERVIEWER
I see.
BARKER
The new translation adheres to a strict set of rules reinterpreting phrases to support the monarch and bishop-led hierarchy. When it was completed in 1611 King James ruled that only his new bible could be read in churches.
INTERVIEWER
Well, quite the print-run I would imagine!
BARKER
Indeed! Every church, chapel and cathedral in the country put in orders! And I received the exclusive Royal Patent to print them all.
INTERVIEWER
Congratulations. King James must have thought very highly of you.
BARKER
Ha!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARKER
I paid 3,500 pounds for the privilege.
INTERVIEWER
You paid 3,500 pounds?
BARKER
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
How did you get 3,500 pounds?
BARKER
My father, Christopher Barker, was one of the most successful printers in England.
INTERVIEWER
I see… So you come from an illustrious family of printers
BARKER
Yes! I wanted to make him proud, exceed what he had achieved! So I invested my entire inheritance,
INTERVIEWER
Quite the gamble!
BARKER
Yes, but even then I was one thousand pounds short.
INTERVIEWER
So...
BARKER
So I went to my competitor, Bonham Norton.
INTERVIEWER
What for?
BARKER
I asked him to make up the shortfall.
INTERVIEWER
You- You asked your competitor?! He refused, surely!
BARKER
He agreed.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BARKER
I promised to give him eight hundred bible pages a week.
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARKER
He'd print them and send them to me to compile and bind. And I would pay him a percentage.
INTERVIEWER
I see! My, you are a Man of God and a Man of Business! You turned your competitor into a colleague! That’s a very canny move!
BARKER
Nah, I wouldn’t say that.
INTERVIEWER
No? It sounds like a mutually profitable collaboration.
BARKER
Partnering with Norton was the worst mistake I ever made.
INTERVIEWER
Really? How so?
BARKER
(SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Tell me, Barker
BARKER
I caught him selling individual pages and concealing the profits!
INTERVIEWER
Individual pages? Who wants individual pages of the bible?
BARKER
Certain pages have a high value on the black market.
INTERVIEWER
The Nativity?
BARKER
The Song Of Solomon.
INTERVIEWER
The Song of Solomon? What’s the Song Of Solomon?
(BARKER SIGHS)
And what makes it popular enough to be so loose leaf on the black market?
BARKER
I dare say the same thing that makes Holland's Leaguer popular.
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes - (CONFUSED) Eh... Really?
BARKER
You have never read The Song Of Solomon?
INTERVIEWER
No. But now I want to. Hand me a bible.
BARKER
There you go.
(BARKER TOSSES A BIBLE TO THE INTERVIEWER)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you… The Song of Solomon you said?
BARKER
Yes. Old Testament. Between the Books of Ecclesiastes and Isaiah.
(THE INTERVIEWER FLICKS THROUGH THE BIBLE)
INTERVIEWER
Okay. Got it! (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND STARTS READING) "Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." Oh my.
BARKER
Go on.
INTERVIEWER
(FLUSTERED) "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." Ehm... Is it me or is it getting rather hot in here? Could we open up that window?
BARKER
Oh no, we mustn’t draw attention to ourselves.
INTERVIEWER
Is it all like this?
BARKER
All ten pages. It's an allegory for God’s love. But … not everyone reads it that way.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, quite. May I take a copy back to Holland's Leaguer? (BARKER GROANS. HE KEEPS READING, MUMBLING UNDER HIS BREATH) "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment...”
BARKER
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Can we get back to my story?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, sorry. Engrossing stuff. So, you caught Norton selling this biblical filth to beard-splitters and swill-bellies on the streets of Southwark. What then?
BARKER
I learned my lesson and from that moment on I only gave him the boring bits.
INTERVIEWER
The boring bits?
BARKER
Yeah. Like, leviticus.
INTERVIEWER
What happens in Leviticus?
BARKER
God lists which animals are clean for eating and which are not. It's a long list. I also gave him the Book of Isaiah.
INTERVIEWER
The Book of Isaiah?
BARKER
Yes. It contains the longest word in the bible. Mahershalalhashbaz.
INTERVIEWER
Right yes, I'm sure he had fun typesetting that.
BARKER
Yes… He started using his typesetting to create mischief.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? What do you mean?
BARKER
Well, during an extraordinary busy print run… The next 800 pages he delivered to me, he exchanged the names Jesus and Judas.
INTERVIEWER
No!
BARKER
Luckily I noticed it before the bibles went on sale, but I had to go through every page and paste slips of paper over the names.
After this I cut Norton loose.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, how did he react? He did help you acquire the patent after all.
BARKER
Well he demanded I pay back his share of the patent money or else he would ruin me.
INTERVIEWER
Did you pay him?
BARKER
Not a shilling.
INTERVIEWER
Risky move.
BARKER
I can't afford to! Not yet!
INTERVIEWER
What? But you have a monopoly on the word of God! Surely you have earned back your investment?
BARKER
Well, you would think so, wouldn’t you?
INTERVIEWER
You haven’t?
BARKER
I would have made the money back and then some, if it wasn't for that Puritan arsworm Michael Sparke!
INTERVIEWER
Michael Sparke?
BARKER
He has been smuggling bibles from Germany to England for the past five years!
INTERVIEWER
The Luther Bible? There's a market here for German bibles?
BARKER
Nonono, they’re not German bibles, they print English Bibles but in Hamburg, where we don’t have jurisdiction and can't seize their equipment. They print them on cheap paper, smuggle them into England and sell them loose leaf for five shillings - just half of what we charge! Last week, in Plymouth, we seized a stockpile of over one thousand unauthorised bibles!
INTERVIEWER
No! What did you do with them?
BARKER
What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
Burned them?
BARKER
What? I'm not a heathen!
INTERVIEWER
Of course. It's still the word of God after all.
BARKER
(ANGRY) It is not the word of God. Without the royal stamp it is nothing but a criminal counterfeit.
INTERVIEWER
Right…
BARKER
(MORE UPBEAT) But with the royal stamp...
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t! You customised the criminal bibles with the royal stamp and put them on the market?
BARKER
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Isn't that... blasphemous?
BARKER
I turned fake bibles into real ones! What could be more Godly than that?
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes… I... suppose…
Well, Barker, I am beginning to appreciate that bible printing is a cutthroat business. But I still don’t understand why it warrants your disappearance?
BARKER
(IN A SUDDEN PANIC) "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by!"
INTERVIEWER
Ey?
BARKER
Psalm 57:1-2. The storms of destruction are coming!
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, storms of destruction, yes yes… And in plain English?
BARKER
Do you remember how I told you that in my profession misplacing three letters can have fatal consequences?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Yes, when I turned GOD into DOG.
BARKER
I did something worse than that.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? Worse than turning the Supreme Being into a Canine? Which three letters could by more important than God?
BARKER
I omitted three letters in Exodus 20:14.
INTERVIEWER
Exodus you say, Chapter 20 Verse 14?
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE BIBLE AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
(SEARCHING) Exodus, Exodus, Exodus... Here! (READS) "Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness..." bla bla bla... "Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." Wait a minute (HE GOES BACK) “Thou shalt commit adultery." Thou shalt commit adultery?! Robert! No! Oh no. Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no!
(PAINED SOUNDS)
BARKER
You see!
INTERVIEWER
This is bad Robert! This is very very bad!
BARKER
I know!
INTERVIEWER
You better start printing "not"s and get pasting. I'll help you.
BARKER
It's too late for that.
INTERVIEWER
No! You mean, this has already gone on sale?
BARKER
Yesterday I delivered five hundred bibles from this print-set to the Archbishop of Canterbury.
INTERVIEWER
Oh you didn’t!
BARKER
As we speak they are being distributed to churches across Kent.
INTERVIEWER
Oh Robert
BARKER
It is only a matter of time before a priest or parishioner discovers the seventh commandment!
INTERVIEWER
And once they do... lust and lechery will be unleashed! There will be queues outside Holland's Leaguer!
BARKER
Yes, and the Archbishop's men outside my door!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, good lord Rober you will lose your printing licence.
BARKER
For such a heinous perversion of the Lord's word they will hang me!
INTERVIEWER
Well. I won't lie Robert, it is a terrible mistake you have made.
BARKER
I made no mistake!
INTERVIEWER
What… You don’t mean…
BARKER
It was sabotage!
INTERVIEWER
You suspect Norton?
BARKER
Or Sparke! Or one of the other printers! They are all after my licence!
INTERVIEWER
Well jumble my guts!
BARKER
Will you help me disappear before they come for me?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I don’t know…
BARKER
Please!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Do you know the Bear Garden on the Southbank?
BARKER
I don’t care for blood sports.
INTERVIEWER
Oh neither do I. Which is why I thought it would be amusing to shake things up and let the bear chase the spectators for a change!
BARKER
What has this got to do with me?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you see, over the past months we have been training a bear to seemingly attack and maul a man, whilst in actual fact, leaving him unscathed. I think it is time to put Sackerson to the test!
BARKER
Sackerson?
INTERVIEWER
Our bear. He looks fierce, but don’t be fooled, he's an absolute darling.
BARKER
Right.
INTERVIEWER
I will pose as the Bear Master. Sackerson pulls at the leash, the leash snaps, and Sackerson is free! The spectators' jeers turn into screams as Sackerson leaps out of the pit and onto the scaffold, charging straight towards a man in the front row -
BARKER
Me?
INTERVIEWER
You!
BARKER
How will he know to come for me?
INTERVIEWER
Oh that’s easy. Before entering the Bear Garden you will bathe in honey.
BARKER
Right...
INTERVIEWER
Right! Sackerson pounces! He snaps and snarls and growls and gnashes and claws and rips and tears and thrashes and -
BARKER
(YELLS) I don't like this plan!
INTERVIEWER
Don't worry, we have trained Sackerson well. He won't harm a hair on your head.
BARKER
This is a real live bear we are talking about!
INTERVIEWER
Who would you rather face, a bear or the Archbishop of Canterbury? Hm.
BARKER
I would rather be covered in honey than tarred and feathered.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
BARKER
So. When does my death take place?
INTERVIEWER
Well, actually. There is a spectacle scheduled at the Bear Garden this afternoon.
BARKER
Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
But...
BARKER
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
You see, training Sackerson took months and I will need to offer the the Bear Master a healthy bribe to take his place...
BARKER
I understand. Your services come at a cost.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, you see, The Brotherhood of the Phoenix is not a charity.
BARKER
How much?
INTERVIEWER
Well, let’s say, I was thinking somewhere in the region of maybe… 3,500 pounds.
BARKER
What?
INTERVIEWER
Is that a problem?
BARKER
You know I don't have that kind of money!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you raised it once, you can raise it again.
BARKER
What, another inheritance? I can't! And certainly not before this afternoon!
INTERVIEWER
Pity. Well, it was lovely talking to you Robert, I learned a lot about bible printing, must do it again some time! Bye!
(HE STARTS WALKING OUT OVER BARKER’S PROTESTS)
BARKER
Stop! There must be some other way I can pay you!
INTERVIEWER
Now that you mention it...
BARKER
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
How would you like to work for us?
BARKER
Um... As a death faker?
INTERVIEWER
Oh god, good lord no. As a printer.
BARKER
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you see, we want to expand, and you could help us reach clients all over the country.
BARKER
I would print pamphlets for you?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you see, we can't advertise openly of course...
BARKER
No...
INTERVIEWER
We like to advertise in places where those needing to disappear are most likely to look.
BEAT.
What do you do when your life has hit a dead end?
BARKER
Visit an Ale-House…
INTERVIEWER
Well, we have Ale-houses covered. What else do you do?
BARKER
Pray.
INTERVIEWER
Exactly, Robert, you pray.
BARKER
Wait you want me to...
INTERVIEWER
Who do you think will receive the royal bible printing patent after you have been torn apart by Sackerson?
BARKER
Norton I assume!
INTERVIEWER
How would you like to meddle in his work?
BARKER
Oh… I would like nothing more!
INTERVIEWER
Splendid! I thought you would say that. Well, you see, we will advertise in bibles!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! If the bibles can be tweaked to suit the needs of kings and bishops, surely we can do some tweaking of our own!
BARKER
I don’t know!
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BARKER
It feels blasphemous!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, blasphemous, coming from you that’s rich!
BARKER
Ugh… I suppose… Alright, I’ll do it.
INTERVIEWER
Marvellous.
BARKER
We will work hidden messages into psalms, prayers and parables troubled souls are most likely to consult. Such as… Uhm… Psalm 23 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..." Jeremiah 29 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil" Matthew 11 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
(HE QUOTES SEVERAL BIBLE VERSES)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, we could do that.
BARKER
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Or…
BARKER
Or…?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you see, the services we offer are life-changing. Quite literally. Coming to the Brotherhood is a decision that should not be undertaken lightly. A client choosing a death faking business deserves references.
BARKER
References?
INTERVIEWER
I feel like our advertisements would have the most impact if placed after tales of satisfied clients.
BARKER
Satisfied clients…? Such as?
INTERVIEWER
Enoch. Elijah.
BARKER
What-...?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Cain. Sampson.
BARKER
Waitwaitwaitwait-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Joseph.
BARKER
You’re not saying that- Those- Those people were-
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes I am.
(BARKER LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF)
INTERVIEWER
But but? You tell me, what happened to Enoch?
BARKER
According to the book of Hewbrews, he … he was taken away so that he did not see death.
INTERVIEWER
And have you never wondered about this choice of words? Taken away, so that he did not see death?
BARKER
Well I had…
INTERVIEWER
And what about Elijah?
BARKER
He disappeared into the sky in a chariot of fire.
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes, that was a good one! Fire! A classic Brotherhood of the Phoenix Disappearance!
BARKER
But -
INTERVIEWER
What about Cain, the world's firstborn son and first murderer?
BARKER
He was relocated east of Eden so he would not have to wander the earth and be killed by the first person who saw him...
INTERVIEWER
Relocated by whom?
BARKER
God!
INTERVIEWER
Well I did have a rather dashing beard at the time...
BARKER
This is -
INTERVIEWER
What about Samson?
BARKER
He brought a house crashing down upon himself and three thousand enemies, killing everyone.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, we weren't so fussy about collateral in those days...
BARKER
But Samson was killed too and buried next to his father's grave!
INTERVIEWER
Or a replacement corpse of the same height and build...
BARKER
Come on! What about Joseph? You mentioned Joseph? Surely you’re not talking about the-
INTERVIEWER
It has never struck you that he is not mentioned again after Jesus's childhood?
BARKER
(SPLUTTERING) It... it is true... He vanishes without a trace...
INTERVIEWER
There's no shortage of characters from your book, disappearing in dramatic, suspicious or mysterious ways. And after all, what is the New Testament all about?
BARKER
Love?
INTERVIEWER
Death and resurrection.
BEAT.
BARKER
You’re surely not claiming you were really behind all of these disappearances?
INTERVIEWER
Not all of them, of course not. But never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
BEAT.
So, Robert. We have a deal? We will slip pages into Norton's manuscripts?
BARKER
I will need my equipment...
INTERVIEWER
Oh not to worry. My assistants are waiting outside with a crate and carriage. They will dismantle your press and transport it safely to Holland's Leauger.
BARKER
Wonderful. Wait. Hang on? They are outside? We have only just made this plan!
INTERVIEWER
Do you have anything to drink?
BARKER
Um...?
INTERVIEWER
It is our tradition to seal the deal with a toast.
BARKER
That’s very nice but I still have questions...
INTERVIEWER
Not to worry, back at Holland's Leauger we have a case of Bavarian ale gifted to us by some Paulaner monks. We got them out of trouble after they decided it was appropriate to drink beer during the Lenten fast. Forty days of consuming only beer resulted in them carving blasphemies into the cloister walls and trashing the local church. We set them up with a new life as asparagus farmers in France.
BARKER
Asparagus farmers-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
I will tell you about it on the way to Holland's Leauger. Let's go!
(SHOUTS) Giohanni! Seraphino! You can dismantle the press! (TO BARKER) Now let's get out of here before the Archbishop comes. Go go go!
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Parker Pearcy and featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, David Ault as Barker and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Brager, sound design by Alexander Danner and music by Fredrik Baden. The episode was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Thanks to Chris Pepper and Alexander Danner for script consultancy. Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
If you are supporting the show on patreon, thank you so much from all of us, you are the reason new episodes keep appearing, and clients keep disappearing. We could not do this without you.
And a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Sunny D. Anomaly, Boo, Jacqui Bee, Helia Hase, Liebredeaconito and Skrobs.
If you’d like to become a patron and get access to the exclusive bonus series The Arthur Archives that accompanies the season, as well as other perks, visit ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.
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And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
ABOVE HOLLAND'S LEAGUER.
INTERVIEWER
(READING) "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine... A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."
KOZLOWSKI
Please. Put away that smut.
INTERVIEWER
Nono, listen, it gets better! (READING) "Thy lips, O my love, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon."
KOZLOWSKI
Have you stolen one of the girl's letters? Give it back or Polly will evict us.
INTERVIEWER
I am studying the bible.
KOZLOWSKI
(SCOFFS) Of course you are.
INTERVIEWER
It's true! Here! The Song of Solomon.
(TOSSES THE BIBLE TO KOZLOWSKI)
And here are the tiles. (THROWS A TILE) N (THROWS A TILE) O (THROWS A TILE) T.
KOZLOWSKI
So the plan worked?
INTERVIEWER
Like a charm! Giohanni and Seraphino are dismantling the press as we speak, and Robert Barker is downstairs with the girls, bathing in honey.
KOZLOWSKI
You don't feel bad about ruining that man's career?
INTERVIEWER
Oh god no! Not after the stories he told me. Bible printing is a vicious business. Death fakery will provide him with a much more pleasant life.
BEAT.
Oh, on that topic, I know we wanted to give him a few more months of training, but I said Sackerson was ready for a fake mauling this afternoon...
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
What do you say? Risk it?
(VERY LOUD SILENCE BY KOZLOWSKI)
Ah, it’ll be fine!
I think.
END.