EPISODE 72 - THE MAN WITH MANY TATTOOS
PIP
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. This episode is dedicated to super patron Sophy H, who will be trampled to death by a herd of sheep in the Yorkshire village of Hutton le Hole, and come back playing Groucho in a Marx Brothers tribute act. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE. FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
(THE FIRE IS FIZZLING OUT)
JACKIE
The fire is almost out.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. We need to gather more wood.
MIA
Or I was thinking maybe we should go back to the car?
KOZLOWSKI
Really, Mia, the car?!
MIA
You know, if we just… turn it on, crank the heat, drive around a bit, get warm.
KOZLOWSKI
Pah!
JACKIE
That's not a bad idea, actually.
(CUT TO COLE AND HAINES IN THEIR HIDEOUT)
COLE
Shit!
HAINES
How can we keep listening if they go to the car?
COLE
Quick!
HAINES
What?
COLE
Back to the Nissan! We need to follow them!
HAINES
Wait... The surgeon might persuade them to stay...?
COLE
But if they go back to the car we need to get there before they do!
HAINES
Argh!
COLE
Shit.
HAINES
Shit.
COLE
Shit.
HAINES
Got it!
COLE
What?
HAINES
You stay here, I'll go to the car. Cover all the bases!
COLE
Yes! Good thinking!
(HAINES CRAWLS THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH)
BACK TO THE DYING FIRE.
KOZLOWSKI
Why would you swap the starry firmament and the lapping waves for the drab interior of a car?
MIA
Because I'm freezing my tits off!
JACKIE
Mia's got a point. It doesn't have to be long. We'll just drive around a bit until we're warm.
MIA
Exactly. Aren't you cold?
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Very well.
MIA
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
But only if I drive.
JACKIE
What?!
MIA
You do remember that you're the criminal and we're the cops, right?
KOZLOWSKI
I find that is a very reductive way of looking at it.
JACKIE
(SNORTS)
KOZLOWSKI
I have proved a very reliable chauffeur, have I not?
MIA
What are you talking about?
KOZLOWSKI
I guided you to this field without a hitch. I led you from 2001 to 1631 without hesitation, repetition or deviation.
JACKIE
Without deviation?! That's rich.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh come on. You have enjoyed my stories. You both have. I can see it in your eyes.
(THEY BOTH TRY TO PROTEST, BUT THEY KNOW HE'S RIGHT. KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
So... Can I drive?
MIA
Can you drive?
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean?
MIA
Do you have a licence?
KOZLOWSKI
Do I have a licence?! Several!
JACKIE
Of course you do.
MIA
Yes, I mean a real licence?
KOZLOWSKI
A real licence! I have been driving since Carl Benz patented his first internal combustion engine in 1886. When we ran the Daily Phoenix, we drove a magnificent St Louis Gasoline Buggy, gifted to us by a Missouri mobster.
JACKIE
And when was the last time you got behind the wheel?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, after Martha took over the company in 1937 my role was confined mostly to the lab so...
MIA
So you haven't driven for the past eighty years?
KOZLOWSKI
High time to get back to it, do you not agree?
JACKIE
Fine! But any funny business, and -
KOZLOWSKI
You will shoot. I know. (SIGHS). I really thought we had got beyond that.
(THEY START WALKING THE FOLLOWING IS HEARD FAINTLY UNDER COLE RACING TO THE CAR, PANTING)
MIA
Do we still have gummy bears in the car?
JACKIE
Dunno.
KOZLOWSKI
I think we still have some pretzels from Dover.
JACKIE
And Pepsi...
MIA
Heated seats, here we come!
(COLES PANTING)
Ouch! Ohh! Woops! Argh!
(HE REACHES THE CAR AND TAPS ON THE WINDOW)
Haines! Haines! Let me in!
BEAT.
Haines?
(HE PATS HIS POCKETS AND FINDS THE CAR KEYS)
(GROANS) Haines you pillock. You didn't take the keys! Where is he?
(AS LOUD AS HE DARES) Haines?
(HE GETS IN THE CAR AS QUIETLY AS HE CAN)
Haines you plonker, where did you go…
(HE FISHES AROUND FOR HIS PHONE)
Phone phone phone...
(HE FINDS IT)
Aha!
(HE CALLS HAINES) Come on, Haines! Pick up pick up pick up!
HAINES (VOICEMAIL)
You've reached Christoper Haines. Not available right now, but uh, leave a message and I'll get back.
COLE
Yeah, Haines you pudding head. Where are you? I'm in the car. Mia, Jackie and the surgeon have just got into - They're off, they're off -
(COLE STARTS THE IGNITION)
I have to follow. Call me back you great big berk.
(FRUSTRATED GROAN)
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager with Music and Sound Direction by Fredrik Baden, and Sound Design by Alexander Danner. Episode 72 - The Man With Many Tattoos. The Present.
INSIDE THE AGENTS' CAR.
(KOZLOWSKI IS DRIVING, MIA IS NEXT TO HIM, JACKIE IS IN THE BACK. THE ROAD IS BUMPY - MORE A TRACK REALLY)
JACKIE
Careful!
KOZLOWSKI
Oops sorry.
MIA
Sloooowly. It's pitch black out there, we don't want to run over an animal agai -
(A BIG JOLT AS THE CAR STALLS)
JACKIE
Jesus!
MIA
For fucks sake!
KOZLOWSKI
Sorry.
JACKIE
The clutch, you have to keep your foot on the clutch when you change gears!
KOZLOWSKI
Clutch, got it.
(KOZLOWSKI TURNS ON THE IGNITION AGAIN AND THE CAR IMMEDIATELY STALLS. HE TRIES A FEW MORE TIMES)
(MIA & JACKIE GROAN)
MIA
This was a mistake.
(EVENTUALLY KOZLOWSKI MANAGES TO SUCCESSFULLY START THE CAR)
JACKIE
Now drive slooooowly. And stick to first gear.
KOZLOWSKI
First gear. Got it. Eh… What gear am I in now?
MIA
You're really bad at this aren't you.
KOZLOWSKI
Cars are not what they used to be.
(THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING, MIA AND JACKIE ARE RATHER TENSE DUE TO KOZLOWSKI'S DRIVING)
JACKIE
So. What's next?
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean?
JACKIE
What's the next story?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no no no. Not here.
MIA
Yeah. To be honest, I really think he should concentrate on the road, Jackie...
JACKIE
We've only got to 1631 and by the sounds of it, we still have a lot to get through!
KOZLOWSKI
As you very well know by now, I cannot tell my stories in any old place. Setting is very important to me.
JACKIE
We have gummy bears and heated seats. It doesn't get any better than this.
KOZLOWSKI
The next story is about the greatest playwright that ever lived.
JACKIE
You already told us about Moliere.
KOZLOWSKI
Greater even than Moliere. (QUIETLY) Sorry, Poquelin. His tale deserves a backdrop befitting his status.
JACKIE
What's wrong with a Mitsubishi?
KOZLOWSKI
If this was a Stagecoach, a Mountain Wagon, a Steam Roller or possibly even a vintage Aston Martin -
(THE CAR STALLS AGAIN. JACKIE & MIA GROAN)
JACKIE
-you kidding me-
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry.
JACKIE
I told you to stay in first gear goddammit!
MIA
Yeah, I am going to take over now...
KOZLOWSKI
Give me one more chance!
(HE TURNS ON THE IGNITION. THIS TIME HE MANAGES ON FIRST TRY)
See! I am getting the hang of it.
(A PHONE RINGS. QUITE FAINT)
JACKIE
Is that a phone?
MIA
Yeah.
JACKIE
Yours?
MIA
I don't think so.
JACKIE
I thought mine was on silent. Can you pass my bag?
MIA
Yeah. Where's your -
(THE RINGING STOPS)
JACKIE
Don't worry about it.
BEAT.
So we're just going to drive around in silence?
KOZLOWSKI
We could play riddles again?
MIA & JACKIE AT ONCE.
No!
JACKIE
No, nonono. Your riddles give me a headache.
KOZLOWSKI
Or you could tell me a story? I did so enjoy when you told me your story on the drive here Jackie.
MIA
Wait what? What did you tell him?
JACKIE
(EMBARRASSED) Nothing.
KOZLOWSKI
She told me how, as a teenager, she attempted to fake her own death.
MIA
Uh that doesn't sound like nothing! I can't believe you didn't tell me that Jackie!
JACKIE
You were asleep!
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe you have a story for us Mia? Mia... Why are you staring at me like that?
MIA
I'm looking at your tattoos.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. You like them?
MIA
Yeah, I figure, if you're not going to tell us a story, we might as well try and decipher them.
KOZLOWSKI
Ha! That sounds like a fun game!
JACKIE
It sounds like another type of headache.
MIA
On your left hand there's a sort of robot insect, an ant... Then there's a die on the other, a bobble hat on the back of your neck... and... is that the emblem of the Cosa Nostra? I'm trying to think what system to use. They're pictograms, but do they spell something when put in the right order or -
Oh! Oh, wait! The robot bug! That's a reference to Anthony Welby, isn't it! Ant! The entomologist who made the cybug! The reason we found you in the first place...
KOZLOWSKI
It is indeed!
MIA
And... wasn't there a client who made every decision by throwing a die?
KOZLOWSKI
Richard.
MIA
That's the die then!
KOZLOWSKI
Poor man. His life came to such a pointless end.
MIA
I seem to remember he was a total psychopath!
JACKIE
So all the tattoos are linked to clients? It's that simple? This should be easy. I thought it was going to be some bogus, unsolvable riddle. So, that person with the microphone, sticking out of your sleeve - that's Thuggy Trashmouth!
MIA
He doesn't look much like a punk... or like Elvis for that matter.
KOZLOWSKI
You do not have the whole picture.
JACKIE
What do you mean?
MIA
Yeah… Part of the tattoo is covered by his sleeve. May I roll it up a bit-
KOZLOWSKI
Go ahead.
(MIA ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVE. THE CAR STALLS)
JACKIE/MIA
(GROAN)
KOZLOWSKI
Oops. You tickled me.
(HE STARTS THE CAR AGAIN. THE ENGINE COUGHS A BIT)
MIA
You've gotta -
(...BUT IT STARTS)
MIA
...like that.
JACKIE
Come on, show me that tattoo again. There was something above the singer's head. ...it's a falling stage light.
MIA
Ah! It's not a singer! It's Bob, the stand up comedian!
JACKIE
Who?
MIA
Remember? “I’m Bob”? Remember, in the case files! The comedian who lost his sense of humour before hosting the Oscars and died by plummeting stage light?
JACKIE
Oh... right.
KOZLOWSKI
Well done, Mia!
JACKIE
On your foot, I noticed this creepy mask with a long nose. That must be -
MIA
Venerio! The mask maker!
JACKIE
I was about to say that!
MIA
That's four - nil to Mia Fox!
JACKIE
You stole the last one!
MIA
You gotta be quicker!
JACKIE
We're not competing anyway! We're competing against the tattoos! We're team CIA against team crazy surgeon!
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
MIA
Oh right… Okay, well if that's how it is, let's see you add to the team score, then!
JACKIE
Okay, I will! I've got one. The sarcophagus on your neck. I reckon that's... Cleopatra!
KOZLOWSKI
Ahhh! Wrong. That is Andy Spark.
JACKIE
Who's that?
MIA
I don’t… Know that name from the case files…
KOZLOWSKI
He was a poet.
JACKIE
Never heard of him.
KOZLOWSKI
He was not very... good.
JACKIE
(DISAPPOINTED) And you faked his death using a sarcophagus?
KOZLOWSKI
In the end we chose another solution. The sarcophagus was merely a suggestion. But I already had a tattoo of a spaceship.
JACKIE
Spaceship?
MIA
Oh yeah, there, on your right hand!
JACKIE
Why did you fake a poet's death using a spaceship?
MIA
And if the spaceship on your hand isn’t for the poet, who’s it for? You faked another death by spaceship?
JACKIE
Ross!
(CELEBRATING, RHYTHMICALLY) Oh ye-ah, I got one! M-hm-hm, I got one!
MIA
I thought we were on the same team?
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry to disappoint you Jackie Williams...
JACKIE
What?
KOZLOWSKI
...but you are wrong again.
(JACKIE GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
For Ross, I have an Area 51 road sign inked under my left nipple. The spaceship is for -
MIA
That bonkers politician! Who was kidnapped by aliens before winning the election! Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker.
KOZLOWSKI
Well done, Mia Fox.
JACKIE
Aw, that's...! Aww!
MIA
Five - nil!
JACKIE
Whatever. What about the Katy Perry lyrics on your scalp? Is Katy Perry a former client?
KOZLOWSKI
No. I just really like Katy Perry.
MIA
Hm... We've deciphered a few, but...
KOZLOWSKI
But?
MIA
I'm just trying to figure out which of these are from cases we've already heard, and which ones are from stories still to come.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, these are all from very recent cases.
MIA
Really?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. From the last eight decades or so.
JACKIE
So you only started tattooing yourself this century?
KOZLOWSKI
My passion for body art goes way back...
JACKIE
But not tattoos?
MIA
Hang on! That cabaret story...
KOZLOWSKI
What about it?
MIA
I thought you said back then you were already fully inked?
KOZLOWSKI
I was.
JACKIE
That was... 1929? So your tattoos definitely go back further than eighty years!
KOZLOWSKI
My current collection goes back eighty years. But there were others before. Many many others.
JACKIE
So… you had the previous ones lasered off?
KOZLOWSKI
I would never remove a tattoo.
JACKIE
Well you say you've always had tattoos, yet the tattoos we see are only eighty years old, so...
KOZLOWSKI
So?
JACKIE
So you must have removed them.
KOZLOWSKI
No. Well, not exactly.
JACKIE
Stop being so fucking cryptic and explain.
KOZLOWSKI
My skin regenerates.
JACKIE
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Skin is so fascinating, is it not?
JACKIE
Um...
KOZLOWSKI
The largest organ in our body, forever renewing itself, shedding old cells and revealing freshly grown ones underneath!
JACKIE
Your skin does that?
KOZLOWSKI
Mine, yours, Mia's.
JACKIE
Really?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh yes. In four weeks, your skin will have replaced itself completely, cell by cell. You have new skin every month.
JACKIE
Wow.
MIA
You didn't know that Jackie?
JACKIE
You did?
MIA
Well... I’ve watched some skin care videos on YouTube and - it's kind of basic biology really.
JACKIE
(REFLECTIVE) Huh.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
JACKIE
Remember in my story, when I jumped into that lake to retrieve the necklace?
MIA
No.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
JACKIE
I cut my leg on a rock. Every morning when I get dressed, I look at the scar and am reminded of that day... with the lake and the pendant and the buck and the diner -
MIA
What is this story you told him?
JACKIE
Anyway, in recent years the scar has been fading, and then, last week I realised it has practically disappeared.
KOZLOWSKI
There we have it! The regenerative power of the skin!
MIA
Okay, but tattoos don't just vanish, do they?
KOZLOWSKI
No. The ink is injected deep into the dermal layer where regeneration happens much more slowly. Tattoos will fade with age, but in order for them to disappear completely, you would have to wait a very, very long time.
JACKIE
Huh, but because of your ridiculous age, you have been able to shed your tattoos?
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES) Interesting conjecture, but no. My regeneration works a little differently...
JACKIE
How?
KOZLOWSKI
That is part of a long story, and as we have established, a rented Mitsubishi is not the place for a -
(THE CAR STALLS AGAIN)
MIA
Jesus!
CUT TO COLE'S CAR.
COLE
Bloody hell!
(SIGHS)
What are they doing?
(COLE TRIES TO CALL HAINES AGAIN. HIS PHONE IS ON SPEAKER. THE VOICEMAIL SNAPS ON. AS IT PLAYS, COLE MIMICS IT)
COLE
"You've reached Christoper knobhead Haines. I'm having a pooh right now, but leave a message and I'll get back once I've wiped my arse." Pick up!
BACK TO THE AGENTS' CAR.
MIA
Okay. Gently release the clutch and step on the gas at the same time...
(KOZLOWSKI MANAGES)
KOZLOWSKI
Aha!
MIA
Well done.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, if life with the CIA ever becomes too perilous, I think you would make an excellent driving instructor.
MIA
Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS AGAIN. FAINT)
That's the phone again isn't it?
JACKIE
I really don't think it's mine.
MIA
It's coming from the back though? Must be in your bag.
(PHONE STOPS)
KOZLOWSKI
Where were we?
MIA
We were talking about skin. How it regenerates.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah yes! And not just skin! Your whole body is reborn constantly, from your eyelashes to your esophagus, from your tonsils to your toenails!
How about a game?
MIA
No riddles!
KOZLOWSKI
A guessing game! I list parts of the body, and you guess how long it takes for their cells to replace themselves!
MIA
(SARCASTICALLY) Fun!
KOZLOWSKI
(GENUINELY) Yes, I think so too! The liver?
MIA
No idea.
KOZLOWSKI
Liver cells regenerate every 300 to 500 days. Bones?
JACKIE
Bones?! They regenerate too?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh yes! The entire skeleton is replaced every ten years.
(THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN)
MIA
Okay, now it's annoying me. We have to find that phone. Could it have gotten stuck behind a seat?
JACKIE
No… no… There's nothing back here... I really don't think it's mine. Mia, you sure it's not yours?
MIA
It's not mine! Mine is right here! Kozlowski?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
MIA
Do you have a phone?
KOZLOWSKI
Me?
MIA
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
When you escorted me out of that interrogation chamber I was naked, remember? Where would I hide a phone?
MIA
Well, you did hide the vial up your... Clutch, clutch!
KOZLOWSKI
Managed!
MIA
Phew.
CUT TO THE BOOT OF THE CAR.
(HAINES ANSWERS HIS PHONE, WE HEAR COLE FAINTLY THROUGH THE SPEAKER. HAINES WHISPERS. HE IS IN GREAT DISCOMFORT. VERY FAINTLY WE STILL HEAR THE GUESSING GAME IN THE FRONT)
HAINES
Cole! You have to stop calling! It's dark in here and I can't find the switch thingy to make it go silent.
COLE
Where the fuck are you?!
HAINES
I'm in the boot.
COLE
In a boot? What are you, a garden gnome?!
HAINES
No no no, in the boot! I'm in the back of Mia and Jackie's car!
COLE
You what?!
HAINES
I picked the lock and got in the back of - Look I have to keep my voice down; ok?
COLE
No no, I heard you it's just - Christ, what are you doing in the back of Mia and Jackie's car?
HAINES
We agreed I should follow them, right?
COLE
Yes, in the car! In our car!
HAINES
Yes, but I wanted to keep listening. We can't afford to lose any more of the story!
COLE
And you can hear what they're saying from the boot of the car?
BEAT.
HAINES
No. Not really.
COLE
Well then that was a great fucking plan wasn't it.
HAINES
Wait...
COLE
What?
HAINES
I can hear something...
COLE
Yes?
HAINES
Spleen!
COLE
What?
HAINES
I'm pretty sure the surgeon just said spleen!
COLE
Excellent work, Haines. Really. I can smell the promotion.
HAINES
Look what do you want me to do?
COLE
I don't know... just... be less shit!
HAINES
Tosser!
COLE
Tosser!
HAINES
Tosser!
(COLE HANGS UP)
BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR.
JACKIE
Wait wait wait... if the entire body replaces itself -
KOZLOWSKI
It does.
MIA
The entire body?
KOZLOWSKI
The matter you have now is different from the matter you had a second ago, and after years of constant change, not a single atom you have now is still present in you.
JACKIE
But then... I mean... Am I even still the same person as... as say thirteen year old Jackie who tried to fake her own death?
KOZLOWSKI
An interesting question. What do you think?
JACKIE
Well... no. Because every part of me is new.
MIA
Yeah, but it's still Jackie!
KOZLOWSKI
Is it?
MIA
Of course it is!
JACKIE
You know Mia, I'm not so sure anymore...
MIA
Jackie! Stop it!
KOZLOWSKI
Hmmm... As you keep reminding me, you are officers of the law are you not?
JACKIE
What has that got to do with -
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Now let us say a man robs a bank.
MIA
Okay...
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Then he waits until all of his cells have renewed. He is now an entirely different man! Do you absolve him from responsibility?
MIA
Of course not!
KOZLOWSKI
But this man does not share a single atom with the man who robbed the bank.
MIA
Who cares about his body, it's his intent that counts! Right?
KOZLOWSKI
Aha!
MIA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
You are right Mia Fox.
MIA
I am?
KOZLOWSKI
Jackie, if you think of yourself as the lump of matter you inhabit, then you are, literally, never you. Because the matter is constantly changing.
JACKIE
So who am I?
KOZLOWSKI
Another excellent question. And one to which there are many answers. I would say... you are your memories.
JACKIE
What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
The memory of your teenage death faking prank for example... Even though it was many years ago, you told it to me in such vivid detail!
JACKIE
I remember it like it was yesterday.
KOZLOWSKI
That story marked you. It marked you physically by leaving a scar. But more importantly, it left a mark on your memory. The scar may disappear, but the memory survives, regardless of how frequently your cells regenerate. You are the collection of your memories, the collection of your stories, Jackie Williams.
JACKIE
(THOUGHTFUL) Huh...
MIA
So this guy who robbed the bank...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
MIA
What if he lost all his memories and had absolutely no recollection of committing the crime?
JACKIE
Like that murderer you told us about in the Baker Street story!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! Carl Granton!
MIA
If he got his memory wiped... wouldn't that wipe away the responsibility too? I mean, if your memories really do make you you.
KOZLOWSKI
Mia Fox! Secret agent. Driving instructor. Philosopher.
MIA
I was just trying to think this through...
KOZLOWSKI
And I applaud it! I must say, this car journey is turning out to be much more interesting than I anticipated!
(THE CAR STALLS. MIA & JACKIE GROAN)
MIA
Right. That's it. I'm taking over.
(MIA UNFASTENS HER SEATBELT)
You might be good at mind games, but you do not know your way around a stick shift.
KOZLOWSKI
While we are here...
MIA
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
This is an excellent spot for gathering firewood.
JACKIE
How do you know?
KOZLOWSKI
As I have told you, this forest holds a special place in my heart.
MIA
And when were you here last? Back when you drove the Gas Buggy?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, long, long before that! But not much has changed. The regeneration of a forest happens at a sedate pace. And many of the trees here are thousands of years old...
JACKIE
When are you finally going to tell us what happened here? And why you brought us to this wretched place?
KOZLOWSKI
In time Jackie Williams.
JACKIE
No! Now!
KOZLOWSKI
Very well. I will give you a clue.
JACKIE
You will?
MIA
But in plain English! And without any mystical bullshit!
JACKIE
He's incapable of that, Mia.
KOZLOWSKI
Challenge accepted!
MIA
Wait - What, really?
KOZLOWSKI
A one word answer.
BEAT.
And then we collect firewood.
JACKIE
Okay.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Memory.
JACKIE
Memory?
MIA
Memory…
JACKIE
Oh for fuck's - You already told us this place triggers memories in you, memories of your various stories, but -
KOZLOWSKI
That is not what I mean.
JACKIE
Then what do you mean?
(KOZLOWSKI UNFASTENS HIS SEATBELT AND OPENS THE DOOR)
KOZLOWSKI
That was my word. Now let us go gather firewood.
MIA
(GROANS) You even manage to turn one word into a riddle.
(THEY CLAMBER OUT OF THE CAR. JACKIE & MIA GRUMBLE)
(THEY ARE TRUDGING THROUGH THE FOREST)
MIA
Okay, we can't be too long, the flashlight batteries are on their last legs, and once they die, we'll struggle to find our way back.
KOZLOWSKI
If memory serves there is a clearing just ahead which is perfect for gathering firewood.
JACKIE
We are going to get to the end of your story by daybreak, right?
MIA
I can't wait to get to the end!
KOZLOWSKI
Careful what you wish for Mia Fox and Jackie Williams.
MIA
What is that supposed to mean?
KOZLOWSKI
We will get to the end by daybreak. Yes.
JACKIE
Good.
(THEY WALK FOR A BIT)
KOZLOWSKI
There is something I omitted to tell you.
JACKIE
Oh?
KOZLOWSKI
About my tattoos.
MIA
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
When I said the tattoos I have now do not go back more than eight decades...
JACKIE
Yes, that seemed very suspicious.
KOZLOWSKI
It is mostly true, but with one exception.
MIA
What's that?
KOZLOWSKI
The phoenix on my forehead. That one never goes away.
MIA
Never?
JACKIE
So how long have you had it?
MIA
Wait, you mean you were born with it?
(KOZLOWSKI STOPS)
KOZLOWSKI
We are here! And it is just how I remember it. Oak makes for fine fire. Let us gather as many branches as we can carry. Ready?
MIA
Sure.
(MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI START GATHERING WOOD. WE HEAR THIS OVER THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION)
JACKIE
Wait wait wait, when did you get the forehead tattoo?
KOZLOWSKI
It was part of a ritual.
JACKIE
Okay... Like, a religious ritual?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Which reminds me!
JACKIE
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
When we get back...
JACKIE
To London?
KOZLOWSKI
To our little spot by the sea...
JACKIE
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
We will begin a ritual of our own.
MIA
Urgh.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
MIA
I'm sorry, it's just... that word...
JACKIE
Which word?
KOZLOWSKI
Ritual?
MIA
Urgh.
KOZLOWSKI
Interesting.
MIA
(TRYING TO BRUSH AWAY THE THOUGHT) So, we’ll be performing a...
KOZLOWSKI
Ritual. Yes.
JACKIE
Uh hang on there mister, you are not going to brand our foreheads! We have indulged you every step of the way: taking you all the way to Scotland, letting you tell your story backwards, letting you take your time, letting you drive - but enough is enough! We are not getting tattoos!
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) I was not talking about tattoos.
JACKIE
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
The ritual I propose revolves around drink.
MIA
Oh lord.
KOZLOWSKI
Mia?
MIA
Sorry. Embarrassing memory.
KOZLOWSKI
We will make a tea.
MIA
(RELIEVED) That's okay then.
JACKIE
What kind of tea?
KOZLOWSKI
A tea made from Baldur's Root.
JACKIE
Baldur's Root?
KOZLOWSKI
It is very rare and found only in these parts.
JACKIE
What are its effects?
KOZLOWSKI
In and of itself, nothing.
JACKIE
Then what makes it so special?
KOZLOWSKI
Combined with the power of ritual, it creates the most extraordinary beverage.
JACKIE
What does this ritual consist of? If it involves stripping naked and dancing around the fire I'm out.
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Nothing so flamboyant! It is a very low key ritual. I will explain in detail once we get back. But first, I think Mia Fox has a story to share with us.
MIA
Huh?
KOZLOWSKI
A memory that has marked you.
MIA
What are you talking about….
KOZLOWSKI
You know what I am talking about. When I talked about rituals, it provoked an instantaneous and visceral reaction in you.
MIA
It's... an embarrassing story.
KOZLOWSKI
(DELIGHTED) So you said.
JACKIE
Tell it to us Mia!
MIA
Oh what the hell.
KOZLOWSKI
You will tell us?
MIA
Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Good!
MIA
Huh. Alright. Here goes!
KOZLOWSKI
Story time!
MIA
You really want to hear this?
JACKIE & KOZLOWSKI
Yes!
MIA
Okay.
(SHE TAKES A BREATH)
So, religion never really played a role for me when I was growing up. My dad was Jewish and my mum was raised Mormon, but they both lost their faith and stopped practising in their teens, so I grew up an atheist, I guess. Or agnostic? I don't know. Wasn't really something I thought about much.
In my first year at college, I had to take this course in Cultural Anthropology, and there was an assignment for which we had to choose a religion and take part in one of its services, rites or rituals. We weren't supposed to do too much research beforehand, the point was to go in cold and experience it, you know, without preconceptions and stuff.
Every morning on my way to campus, I cycled past this Catholic Church, and I would see a board outside advertising Sunday Mass. So I asked my best friend Fumiko, who took Cultural Anthropology with me, if she would go with.
So, the next Sunday we're sitting in the pews, quite far back, a bit giggly, a bit nervous, and... it was actually really beautiful. The candles, the organ, the singing... I really liked the singing! It’s quite moving actually. And the people were so kind. They could see we were a bit lost, but the gentleman next to me gave me a hymn book and showed us the right page, and it was just really nice and friendly. You know, community. I mean, I wouldn't go every Sunday I don't think, but I could see why people were attracted to it.
And then came communion. Everyone got up, and I panicked. I mean, w-what was I supposed to do? Fumiko said we should go with the others. Everyone was going, she said, and it would be rude not to. But... I don't know... It kind of felt wrong to stay sitting, but it also felt wrong to stand with all these people who were so into it. I mean they were closing their eyes and crossing themselves and really just feeling it. They really believed. And we were just these dumb college kids who were there on a class assignment.
But hey, before we knew it we're at the altar and Fumiko pushes me in front of her - thank you Fumiko - and I walk up to the priest in his green cloaky thing.
The priest looks me in the eye, and it's just so intense you know? I mean I try and look back, but it just feels super awkward.
And then he gives me this wafer and I'm just mortified. I mean what am I meant to do? Am I meant to eat it? Not eat it? Eat it in a particular way? What if I do it wrong?
The priest can see how stressed out I am, so he bends down, puts a hand on my shoulder, and whispers that I should just go and sit down.
So Fumiko and I scurry back to our pew and watch the rest of the congregation perform the ritual, sit out the rest of the service, and cycle back to our dorm.
I write my essay. We're supposed to include some sort of documentation. But the church doesn’t have any pamphlets or anything.
I find the wafer still in my pocket, so I use that. I stick it onto the front page of my essay, and hand it in to Professor Russel.
The next Cultural Anthropology class comes around, and Professor Russel sweeps into the classroom with a mischievous grin. And he's swinging a little plastic zip bag between his thumb and forefinger. "Who's offended?" he asks.
I look more closely at the ziplock, and see it contains my wafer. I break into a sweat. What have I done? I thought I managed to get out of that church without putting my foot in it, but somehow I've still managed to do something wrong?
"Blasphemy or cultural learning?" says Professor Russel, "discuss!"
And so… So, he explains that after the priest has done his thing, the wine becomes the blood of Christ and the wafer becomes his body. "Yes but it's a metaphor!" I protest. No, Professor Russel insists. In the catholic church, the wafer literally transforms into the literal body of literal Christ.
And what we have here, says Professor Russel, is Christ in a bag.
JACKIE
Oh God.
MIA
Quite.
KOZLOWSKI
And what did you do with the wafer?
MIA
That became the topic of discussion for the entire lesson.
JACKIE
And?
MIA
We concluded that the only respectful thing to do would be to return it to the church.
KOZLOWSKI
A good plan!
MIA
So Professor Russel gives me the ziplock and told me to go back to the church, apologise, return the consecrated wafer, and give the priest a copy of my essay. "I'm sure he'll understand" he says.
KOZLOWSKI
Did he?
MIA
I...
KOZLOWSKI
What?
MIA
Well...
JACKIE
Yes?
MIA
Okay I'm not proud of this...
JACKIE
You... you didn't go, did you. (ACCUSINGLY) She didn't do it! She didn't go!
MIA
I was too embarrassed!
KOZLOWSKI
So what did you do?
MIA
(EMBARRASSED) I flushed the wafer down the toilet.
KOZLOWSKI
You what?!
JACKIE
Mia!!
MIA
I really regretted it the second after I'd done it!
KOZLOWSKI
Mia Fox!
MIA (CON’T)
I even briefly considered fishing it out. But then what would I do? At this point I was out of good options...
JACKIE
Yeah, by now you're definitely going to burn in hell anyway!
MIA
(WORRIED) You think?
KOZLOWSKI
Well well well. Mia Fox. Thank you for sharing that story.
BEAT.
JACKIE
Uhm, just letting you know folks, the flashlight is about to die.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, and we have enough firewood to last us until dawn. Let us return to the car!
(THEY TRUDGE BACK THROUGH THE FOREST)
CUT TO COLE'S CAR.
(COLE IS ON THE PHONE. AS BEFORE, WE HEAR HAINES OVER THE SPEAKER)
COLE
Okay, I think we can take the risk.
HAINES
You really think?
COLE
They've been gone for what, ten minutes? I don't think they're coming back.
HAINES
I'm getting cramp...
COLE
I reckon they've found a new spot to make a fire and continue.
HAINES
And I'm bursting for a wee...
COLE
Haines focus!
HAINES
Sorry.
COLE
I reckon the coast is clear.
HAINES
So I can come out. Thank fuck!
COLE
Wait.
HAINES
What?
COLE
Just one more minute.
(COLE QUIETLY OPENS THE CAR DOOR)
I'm just going for a quick scout. Can't be too careful.
(COLE STEPS OUT, AND GINGERLY TIPTOES AROUND THE CAR)
Christ it's dark out here.
HAINES
Can't be as dark as in here.
COLE
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Guess not… (NORMAL AGAIN) Okay... Okay... I can't hear them - Ouch!
HAINES
What?
COLE
I stubbed my toe on a bloody - I can't see even what I stubbed it on.
HAINES
Well can I come out?
COLE
Yes.
BEAT.
No!
HAINES
Yes or no?
COLE
No no no!
(COLE FRANTICALLY HOBBLES BACK TO THE CAR)
Abort! Abort! Abort!
HAINES
What's happening?
(IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI APPROACH)
JACKIE
(SING-SONG) You're so going to hell!
MIA
Shut up!
KOZLOWSKI
And there goes the flashlight. We made it just in time.
JACKIE
I can't see anything!
MIA
The car's over here.
COLE'S CAR.
COLE
Stay the fuck in the boot. It's them.
HAINES
What are they doing?
COLE
I... I can't see... Looks like... They're carrying stuff... Lots of... branches… I think… The surgeon's got a whole log I think!
HAINES
They're going back to the car?
COLE
Yeah yeah... They're... I think they're getting in... - SHIT!
HAINES
What?
COLE
The boot! They're going to the boot!
HAINES
What?!
COLE
Scrunch up Haines!
HAINES
What do you mean scrunch up?!
COLE
Make yourself small!
HAINES
Can't scrunch up any more than I'm already scrunched -
COLE
They're about to open the boot!
HAINES
Fuck!
COLE
The moustaches, where are the moustaches!
(COLE TEARS OPEN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT)
HAINES
What are you -
COLE
I'm going to distract them!
HAINES
What?
COLE
Just wish me fucking luck!
(COLE TURNS THE IGNITION ON AND SLAMS HIS FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR. THEN IMMEDIATELY BRAKES, SKIDDING TO A HALT JUST IN FRONT OF KOZLOWSKI AND THE STARTLED AGENTS. COLE LOWERS THE WINDOW)
KOZLOWSKI
Woah -
MIA
What the -
JACKIE
Where did that come from?!
COLE
(PUTTING ON A BROAD SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT) Well howdy y'all!
JACKIE
(UTTERLY BEWILDERED) Who are you? Where did you come from?
MIA (UNDERLYING)
Wha-What?!
COLE
Sorry if ah startled y'all, it's just ah've been drivin' for five hours straight, ah'm worn slap out and wondered if you fine folks could direct me to the nearest uh- whatchamacallit- steak house?
JACKIE
A steak house?!
KOZLOWSKI
There are no steak houses around here, sir. The nearest pub is about an hour's drive inland.
COLE
A pub! Well aint that dandy! That will do mighty fine!
KOZLOWSKI
Although it will probably be closed this time of the night...
COLE
Well, suppose… Opening hours are different over here… We have 24 hour service over where I’m from! (CHUCKLES) Now before ah go, may I regale y'all with a tune?
JACKIE
A tune?!
CoLE
Yeah! I felt- uh- a tune coming on! It’s an old family tune, so you’re not familiar with it, I’m sure, but uh- it goes sommin like this: (SINGS) "Up in the Smoky Mountains, where the Bobcat's wild and free, that's where I'll find my sweetheart, and she'll be good to me..." Ah gotta split. Holler if you need me!
(COLE SLAMS HIS FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR AND SPEEDS OFF INTO THE NIGHT.
WE STAY WITH KOZLOWSKI AND THE AGENTS. THEY ARE STUNNED. THERE IS A VERY STUNNED PAUSE)
JACKIE
What the actual fuck was that?!
MIA
That was a prank right? That was someone playing a prank?
JACKIE
I suppose there's not much to do in this shit hole... Probably a local driving around, putting on accents and singing to random strangers. Jesus. The morons in this country.
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES) Very strange indeed.
MIA
Let's just get back in the car.
JACKIE
Yeah.
MIA
And I'm driving.
KOZLOWSKI
You go get warm. I will load the wood into the boot.
MIA
Thanks.
JACKIE
But if you try anything -
KOZLOWSKI
(WEARILY) Yes yes.
(MIA AND JACKIE GET IN THE CAR)
MIA
Jackie, what the fuck are we doing here?
JACKIE
What do you mean?
MIA
Do you think there's any point to... any of this insanity?
JACKIE
This is the case of our lives Mia. You know that.
MIA
Yeah. This is not what I imagined life with the CIA would be. Strange forests, whimsical campfire tales, weirdos at every turn... it's just so...
JACKIE
Weird?
MIA
Weird.
JACKIE
And it's about to get weirder.
MIA
What do you mean?
JACKIE
That ritual he mentioned.
MIA
Yeah?
JACKIE
The tea...
MIA
Yes?
JACKIE
You know what that is right?
MIA
No?
BEAT.
JACKIE
Patience.
MIA
You think?
JACKIE
He's going to teach us how to make patience.
MIA
Why would he do that?
JACKIE
Maybe he needs supplies... and maybe it takes more than one person to make it...
MIA
So he's... using us as accomplices?
JACKIE
I don't care what his motives are as long as we get the secret.
MIA
We know it involves tears...
JACKIE
Wasn't that a metaphor?
MIA
I don't know.
JACKIE
Then there's this Baldur's Root...
MIA
You really think he's gonna to let us in on this?
JACKIE
I think so. I think... I think he actually likes us.
(KOZLOWSKI HOPS INTO THE CAR)
KOZLOWSKI
We have a full boot of firewood! I must say, despite my initial reluctance, this was just the break I needed. Thank you for suggesting it. I daresay I will be able to return to my tales with renewed vigour! Let us return to our little spot on the coast for more stories!
JACKIE
Tea and stories.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, tea and stories!
(THEME TUNE FADES UP)
MIA
Seat belts on? Then let's go.
CREDITS
This was the final episode of Season 5 Part 2. We hope to be back in 2024 with the third and final part of this journey through history. If you’re enjoying the show and would like to help us return as soon as possible, please do consider becoming a patron, it’s only through listener support that we can keep this show Alive, and when you become a patron from just five dollars, there’s a whole bunch of bonus content you’ll get instant access to, including 9 episodes of The Arthur Archives, 12 episodes of The Alvina Archives, 25 minisodes of the Audio Advent Calendar, the upcoming bonus series Ithobaal’s Inventions, and more.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was dedicated to Sophy H and featured Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Benjamin Noble as Haines and Torgny G. Aanderaa as Cole.
The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to every single one of our patrons, if you are supporting this show with a per episode contribution, no matter how small, thank you thank you thank you, without you the show could not exist. And a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s: Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Jacqui Bee, Helia Hase, Liebredeaconito, and welcome to two new super patrons: Mark Skrobanek and Astra Kim.
You are making a huge difference to the show and to our lives.
We won’t be disappearing completely, we have some very exciting secret surprises planned, but for now they are just that… secrets… more to be revealed in the coming months. You can follow us on Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram and Bluesky to get Amelia news as it breaks.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
CAR.
(COLE DRIVING, HAINES IN THE PASSENGER SEAT)
HAINES
(LAUGHING) That was fucking embarrassing mate.
COLE
Emba- I saved your arse!
HAINES
"Up in the Smoky Mountains?" (LAUGHS) Why that?!
COLE
Shut up! I had to make something up! On the spot, mind you.
HAINES
Oh and how many moustaches were you wearing?
COLE
Two.
HAINES
Thought so.
COLE
But it was so dark they couldn't see a thing anyway.
HAINES
Wait until I tell Dougie and Naseem about this!
COLE
What- You're not going to tell anyone about it!
HAINES
I am.
COLE
You're not!
HAINES
Oh you bet I am.
COLE
You are not! Or I'll... I'll...
HAINES
Yes?
COLE
I’ll tell them how you peed yourself in the boot.
HAINES
I didn't pee myself. I held it in.
COLE
Oh yeah that’s not what I heard.
HAINES
Yeah. Crucial skill for an agent. So.
COLE
(GRUNTS)
HAINES
I could really do with that pee now though. Quick stop?
COLE
No.
HAINES
Oh go on!
COLE
No! There’s no time.
HAINES
Cole mate!
COLE
Tosser!
HAINES
Tosser!
COLE
Tosser!
END OF SEASON 5 PART 2.