THE AMELIA PROJECT: “WILL (1596 TO 1600)”
PIP
This first episode of Season Five Part three is dedicated to our Patreon supporter Astra Kim who will be killed by a trout - No. Sorry. It says here… eh… Killed by two trouts. Yeah. And who will reappear as a sand grain counter in southern Sahara. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE - THE CURTAIN, LONDON, 1597
BUSY STREET OUTSIDE CURTAIN THEATRE.
INTERVIEWER
I prithee, Master Kyd, tell me what flag flies at The Curtain theatre today?
KOZLOWSKI (AS KYD)
Black.
INTERVIEWER
A tragedy then.
KOZLOWSKI
Romeo and Juliet.
INTERVIEWER
Well then, I shall attend not, Kyd, for in truth I saw it a fortnight ago.
KOZLOWSKI
Thou enjoyedst it not?
INTERVIEWER
I confess no. For, are we to believe that Friar Laurence - a character who can so artfully conceive the plan to feign fair Juliet’s death, would then prove such a lack-wit in his failure to foresee that Romeo’s kin would speed the news of Juliet’s demise to him more swiftly than his own leaden-footed messenger? Forsooth, it stretches the very limits of credulity!
KOZLOWSKI
To speak of credulity being stretched, I must away,
INTERVIEWER
Huh?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
-for hast thou not promised a courtier who has fallen out of favour with the Queen that we shall help him disappear by having him pecked to death by a bevy of enraged swans?
INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLES)
Yes, I did. (KOZLOWSKI GROANS) Is it not inspired?
KOZLOWSKI
(DRYLY) No.
INTERVIEWER
Of course it is! And, my dear Kyd, thou art the master of thy craft but even a master craftsman needs a challenge now and then, lest his talent dulls.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, thou mayst need to practise the art of hunting for premises ere long
(INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
The thirteen swans currently captive in our offices have attracted the attention of our landlord!
INTERVIEWER
Oh…
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
-who begs that I remind thee of our contract’s subclause 3A – (INTERVIEWER SIGHS AGAIN, MUMBLING) “no pets” – and subclause 3B: “especially no pets that are the legal property of the Queen”.
INTERVIEWER
Wherefore wishes Her Majesty such ownership of violent waterfowl?
KOZLOWSKI
That answer is not within my craft. Until later…
(KOZLOWSKI LEAVES)
(PAUSE)
BAKEWELL (IN THE OFF)
(SOBBING)
(INTERVIEWER APPROACHES)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, good den, sir. Oh, uhm-
BAKEWELL
(SOBBING PATHETICALLY) Good den.
INTERVIEWER
Can I be of assistance?
BAKEWELL
You are too kind, gentle stranger, but I fear not, for my troubles are wrought of iron, like some portcullis of woe.
INTERVIEWER
Well… Ah… Perhaps the remedy lies in a sympathetic ear?
BAKEWELL
It would need be the ear of an elephant, only! For I could hide in its capacious flaps, and it could carry me off somewhere to disappear.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, haha, yes - An imaginative notion, sir, if perhaps not the most practical. But disappear, you say?
BAKEWELL
’Twas an idle thought.
INTERVIEWER
And yet good Lady Fortune hath sent you some of her favour that might turn idle thoughts into fruitful ones. (CHUCKLES) Pray tell me, is there some place not far off where we may speak unguarded?
BAKEWELL
Aye. The costume store backstage at the theatre here, where I work. It is always quiet.
INTERVIEWER
Lead the way, friend.
THEME TUNE (ELIZABETHAN VERSION) AND TITLES.
TITLE
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. And sound design by Alexander Danner.
Episode 73 – Will. 1596 to 1600. Episode by Jen and Chris Sugden.
EPISODE PROPER.
BACKSTAGE AT THE CURTAIN THEATRE.
(APPLAUSE IN THE OFF)
INTERVIEWER
I pray you, let me ensure I have understood full well the details of your story. Your name is Adam Bakewell. Yes?
BAKEWELL
Aye.
INTERVIEWER
And you are from Lichfield.
BAKEWELL
I am.
INTERVIEWER
You are a stagehand in the performing company here at the Curtain.
BAKEWELL
‘Tis true.
INTERVIEWER
And finally, you are also, in fact, Shakespeare.
BAKEWELL
Hardly, sir! Will Shakespeare is a man himself. He’s about the building somewhere, probably fretting in the wings.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) But he hasn’t written a play in three years.
BAKEWELL
A play? He’s scarce written his own name!
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BAKEWELL
A block is upon him. His gift eludes him. Richard III, that was the last of his.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, a triumph. I remember it well.
BAKEWELL
Indeed. But he believes he reached a pinnacle in that and cannot recapture his form.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
BAKEWELL
He believes his fire has gone.
INTERVIEWER
And during this time, you have been writing the plays.
BAKEWELL
Indeed.
INTERVIEWER
The Comedy of Errors? Titus Andronicus? Love’s Labours Lost?
BAKEWELL
All mine.
INTERVIEWER
And the very play taking place as we speak, Romeo and Juliet?
BAKEWELL
Aye, sir.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED LAUGH) I mean-
(INTERVIEWER WALKS TO DOOR AND OPENS IT)
ACTOR 1 (JULIET)
(OFF)
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night-
(INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
You mean to say that… You wrote that?
BAKEWELL
Aye, sir.
INTERVIEWER
Well cover me in gold leaf and call me a lily… And the situation which leaves you weeping in the street is that you no longer wish to write these plays.
BAKEWELL
I do not.
INTERVIEWER
But you also cannot simply leave…
BAKEWELL
I am handsomely compensated, but our company’s patron, Lord Hunsdon–
INTERVIEWER
Oh, a powerful man.
BAKEWELL
’Tis true. Twas he who hired me, when he learned of Will’s block. To begin with, I was glad of the work. And I am proud of that which I have written.
INTERVIEWER
Yes
BAKEWELL (CON’T)
But with success comes expectations.
INTERVIEWER
Hm…
BAKEWELL (CON’T)
Lord Hunsdon earns well from this place and he is not prepared to lose it, or his standing. So now he demands new pieces with such frequency and ferocity that I am o’er wrought with pressure.
INTERVIEWER
What a pickle what a pickle what a pickle…
BAKEWELL (CON’T)
Why even now, as Romeo and Juliet plays to packed houses, he clamours for my next.
INTERVIEWER
I mean have you tried simply offering your resignation?
BAKEWELL
Hunsdon has other business interests, sir.
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
BAKEWELL
And associates who are not the sort to introduce themselves with words.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
BAKEWELL
And I know that those who have crossed him… well, I shall remark only that should I simply leave this work, you will find me a grave man indeed.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes I… See what you did there. Clever.
(DOOR OPENS AND SHAKESPEARE ENTERS)
(WE HEAR PERFORMANCE FROM STAGE IN BACKGROUND)
ACTOR 1 (AS JULIET)
(OFF) O, find him!
Give this ring to my true knight
(DOOR CLOSES)
SHAKESPEARE
Oh. Sorry, I did not know the room was occupied.
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Master Shakespeare, I believe.
SHAKESPEARE
At your, um… uhh…
INTERVIEWER
Service?
SHAKESPEARE
Service! Yes! Haha! Yes. Service.
INTERVIEWER
Haha. Yes. And I at yours.
(SHAKESPEARE CHUCKLES. THAT’S IT. UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE OF UHMS AND AHS)
Can we help you, Master Shakespeare?
SHAKESPEARE
Help? Oh! Oh, yes! Yes…
INTERVIEWER (SLIGHTLY OVERLAPPING)
Yes!
SHAKESPEARE
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Good.
SHAKESPEARE
Yehes! No.
INTERVIEWER
No?
SHAKESPEARE
Nononono. No. No, I just came in to, um…to uh… (DEEP BREATH) find a- a quiet spot, but as, you know, as the room is occupied, I’ll- I’ll just, I’ll- um… Ahm… Ah…
BAKEWELL
Take your leave?
SHAKESPEARE
Take my leave! Indeed, Adam. Yes! Good! Yes, you all- You always know how to … Ah, well, uhm, oh… you know.
(DOOR OPENS. SHAKESPEARE EXITS)
(WE HEAR PERFORMANCE FROM STAGE IN BACKGROUND)
ACTOR 2 (AS ROMEO):
(OFF)
And little mouse, every unworthy thing…
Live here-
(DOOR CLOSES)
INTERVIEWER
You jested not.
BAKEWELL
No indeed. Every day he mopes in here like some sullen cloud. Only yesterday I found him weeping under a pile of doublets. So, what do you propose?
INTERVIEWER
An outing to the Lusty Maiden?
BAKEWELL
(CHOKED OFF SOUND)
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
The public house I mean. Nothing like it for heaving a fellow out of the doldrums.
BAKEWELL
Not for Will! For me!
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes, you I propose, should die.
BAKEWELL
What?
INTERVIEWER
Only to appear so, as your Juliet does. The first time.
BAKEWELL
But getting Lord Hunsdon to believe it… he will wish to see with his own eyes that I am dead.
INTERVIEWER
And he shall! Pray tell me, Master Bakewell, does Lord Hunsdon enjoy hunting?
BAKEWELL
I believe so.
INTERVIEWER
Then ‘tis settled. Your grisly end shall come, most lamentably, most tragically, in the pursuit of some stag or other such poor innocent creature… You shall entreat Hunsdon to invite you on his next hunt. Knowing you to be the author of his fortunes here, he will surely grant you this favour. Your hunting tool of choice shall be a crossbow, and at some opportune moment in the chase, you shall make it known that your bow’s trigger is stuck. When Hunsdon’s attention is assured, you shall turn the bow towards yourself, purporting to examine the defect, but tragically, the bolt will fire into your chest. Alas! Alack!
BAKEWELL
Alack indeed!
INTERVIEWER
Haha!
BAKEWELL
I will surely perish!
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, not so.
BAKEWELL
‘Tis impossible to survive such a piercing!
INTERVIEWER
Master Bakewell, you are a stagehand. Think of the plays you have here witnessed. Nay, that you yourself have written. Actors slain on stage and baked into pies. Your own fair Juliet stabs herself in full plain sight of the audience!
BAKEWELL
Juliet is not shot with a crossbow bolt!
INTERVIEWER
True, but my partner, Kyd, he is skilled in this particular art of deception. He has many a cunning trick that when carefully employed can hoodwink an unsuspecting witness into believing what they see is most real. For this, it will be your doublet.
BAKEWELL
My doublet?
INTERVIEWER
A wondrous creation of Kyd’s. ‘Tis made with a padding thick and dense enough to safely receive the bolt and save your life.
BAKEWELL
A bolt-proof doublet? Impossible.
INTERVIEWER
It has been tested. It is quite safe. If painful.
BAKEWELL
What is it made of?
INTERVIEWER
Lamb’s wool, mostly…
BAKEWELL
And the remainder?
INTERVIEWER
Bibles.
BAKEWELL
Bibles!
INTERVIEWER
They’re perfect for this sort of thing. So many pages. Really solid stuff.
BAKEWELL
I hardly think this is the intended use!
INTERVIEWER
Well, Jesus saves, and all that.
BAKEWELL
Not as a shield against projectiles!
INTERVIEWER
And here is the clever part: the doublet’s cavities shall be filled with whatever blood is on offer at the butcher’s that morning, and when the bolt enters the doublet’s padding, the blood will gush forth as you fall to the ground, dead in an instant. We’ll even throw in a servant who can declare you to be slain. Hunsdon will see the shot and learn the result: a tragic accident to befall an unpractised hunter. Your disappearance, then, will be secured.
BAKEWELL
You certainly know your trade, sir. And I am humbled by your kindness. How can I repay you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I shall speak plain: our services are dear indeed, but I should forgive the fee in exchange for your support in a particular matter.
BAKEWELL
What matter?
INTERVIEWER
My petition to this theatre, to rent this very backstage room to use as a place of business.
BAKEWELL
Why?
INTERVIEWER
Because it’s perfect, of course! Our work is of a peculiar and sensitive nature, and our current landlord is taking a little more notice of us than I would wish. We require somewhere new, somewhere we will not attract attention. And where better than a playhouse? Where all kinds of people come and go all day long. Plus… it is fitting. We are something in the business of theatre ourselves. Perhaps we can learn a thing or two.
BAKEWELL
I will gladly support your petition, Sir.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Wonderful!
BAKEWELL
Afore I accidentally shoot myself in the chest.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
BAKEWELL
And what of Will Shakespeare? His block, and the demands of his audience and the villain Lord Hunsdon for a work of genius twice a year?
INTERVIEWER
Let us hope that your departure gives Master Shakespeare just the shake he doth need to find his fire once more.
(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC FADE TO… DIGGING)
CUT TO A FIELD IN SCOTLAND – PRESENT DAY.
MIA
I think we "doth" need to find our fire once more!
JACKIE
Baldur's Root grows deep. Isn't that what you said?
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed.
JACKIE
We need to keep digging until we find it.
KOZLOWSKI
The old hunter-gatherers knew that the richest treasures of the earth often were hidden far below our feet.
JACKIE
Richest treasures! You hear that, Mia?
MIA
I don't feel much like a hunter-gatherer, I feel like a grave digger!
JACKIE
And you sound like a crybaby!
MIA
Wha- I'm cold!
JACKIE
How?! I'm sweating like Randy Macho Man Savage on a treadmill.
MIA
Sweating?
JACKIE
Yes! I'm digging! Unlike you.
MIA
Hrumph.
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps I should continue the story? A fetching tale can alleviate the pains of hard work!
MIA
I doubt it.
KOZLOWSKI
After we faked Master Bakewell's death in 1597, we moved in backstage at the Curtain Theatre. In the following months we hoped to see Shakespeare return to his former glory, but alas... Then, almost exactly one year later, during a performance of Henry IV Part I, another gentleman from the ensemble made his way backstage...
THE CURTAIN, LONDON, 1598 BACKSTAGE.
(TENTATIVE KNOCK AT DOOR. DOOR OPENS)
(WE HEAR PERFORMANCE FROM STAGE IN BACKGROUND AS BEFORE)
BURBAGE
(AS PRINCE HAL)
(OFF) I know you all, and will awhile uphold
The unyoked humour of your idleness.
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted, he may be more wondered at
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
(MILLER WALKS IN AND CLOSES DOOR)
MILLER
He- Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Master Miller, come in.
INTERVIEWER
Good crowd this evening, it sounds like?
MILLER
I have but a small role in this Henry, but yes, they are enjoying themselves. (COUGHS) You received my note?
INTERVIEWER
I did. Please, take a seat. It’s a little crowded with the props and bits of set from other productions, but the silver lining is you have your pick of royal seats. You can have King John’s throne, or perhaps Titania’s bower…
MILLER
I’ll take the bower.
(MILLER SITS)
INTERVIEWER
An excellent choice. Now, Master Miller, after reading your note, brief as it was, I’d wager you wish to disappear.
MILLER
Tis true. Is this not what you do?
INTERVIEWER
It is. But I am curious as to why you have this wish. Your precise wording was “Because of reasons.”
MILLER
That is correct.
INTERVIEWER
Master Miller, if we do not understand the nature of your peril, we cannot make certain your safety from it. But I have a feeling I can spare you some discomfort, and guess. Your note, despite its vagueness, had an elegance of phrasing I rarely come across.
(INTERVIEWER LIFTS NOTE)
INTERVIEWER
(READING) “So dare I beg of thee this enterprise, albeit considerations infinite do make against it.” You wouldn’t happen to be a writer?
MILLER
(NERVOUSLY) I have the good fortune to work near the great William Shakespeare. I must have picked up something from his manner of speaking.
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
(DOOR OPENS. SHAKESPEARE WALKS IN)
SHAKESPEARE
Yes, yes, words, words…
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Speak of the devil.
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
-must be on the grasp of… possibility…
MILLER
Good evening, Master Shakespeare.
SHAKESPEARE
Good evening! Evening, that’s another word. Good to know a word. Too many words, not enough words. Words, words…
INTERVIEWER
You- you need help? With uhm…
SHAKESPEARE
No, nonono, just a word… just a word…
INTERVIEWER
A word. Right.
SHAKESPEARE
What is the word…
INTERVIEWER
Well, I suppose that depends on- on the word you are looking for, really, doesn’t it, I mean-There are lots of them.
SHAKESPEARE
Lots of word, words, words…
INTERVIEWER
Words, plural? Word, one?
SHAKESPEARE
I think we should start with just the one for now. Word. Word.
(INTERVIEWER CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Word. The Word. The Word. (MORE DESPERATE) The word. (DREAMILY) The word… (HE GIVES UP) No, never mind.
(SHAKESPEARE WALKS OUT. DOOR CLOSES)
MILLER
Genius is hard to understand sometimes.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed it is, but in this case it is your genius.
MILLER
How-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
You wrote this Henry IV
MILLER
How-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
and would I be right in thinking you wrote every one of Shakespeare’s plays since Romeo and Juliet?
MILLER
How do you know that?
INTERVIEWER
Because you are not the first Shakespeare, Master Miller. Well, technically I suppose you’re not even the second. So, Will is still suffering from a block? And, from the sounds of it just now, it is even worse than ever!
MILLER
It is terrible. I was with him once when he tried to write a sonnet in a park. He got three lines in before screaming some words I dare not repeat and feeding the parchment to a goose.
INTERVIEWER
And if you are now writing Shakespeare’s plays, would I be right in thinking that it was Lord Hunsdon who arranged it?
MILLER
You know of his role in this?
INTERVIEWER
I know well that he is a demanding patron. And this is once more proven by the fact that you have in the space of a year written not only this Henry, but, what was it, three more plays?
MILLER
Yes. I have the most terrible quill wrist.
INTERVIEWER
It does sound a bit harsh a pace, and yet Lord Hunsdon is a man who would not hesitate to threaten your life to ensure you continue writing and his business interests continue uninterrupted. So, this is why you wish to disappear.
MILLER
In part.
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
MILLER
If ’twas the writing alone that would be one thing, but, in truth, it’s Will. It’s getting worse. He cannot write himself, but now he wishes to give feedback on every draft of every script! Pages and pages of it, mostly focussed on adding jokes about men’s … ‘swords’, and, you know, I just think that today's audience has moved on from that sort of thing.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. I see.
MILLER
So, you will help?
INTERVIEWER
We will.
MILLER
You can hurry me away in the night, perhaps?
INTERVIEWER
No, no. Insufficiently conclusive. No, I will circulate a pamphlet on your behalf. A seditious one. Something that challenges the Queen’s legitimacy.
MILLER
Good lord!
INTERVIEWER
We’ll have to ensure even Lord Hunsdon cannot swing a reprieve for you, so we’ll have to add in a line mocking her rotten teeth, to be sure she sentences you to death.
MILLER
Death?!
INTERVIEWER
Aye, that’s the plan. You’ll have a little stay in the Tower first.
MILLER
I’ll be hung, drawn and quartered!
INTERVIEWER
That’s also the plan. You are likely to be tortured first too, possibly with rats, but trouble yourself not.
MILLER
I do trouble myself. I am troubled about every part of this! Your plan for my escape is for me to die?
INTERVIEWER
Only to seem as though dead, for feigning death is the only sure manner by which to succeed. But fear not, The Brotherhood of the Phoenix have certain connections at the Tower, and they shall prove most bounteous for you.
MILLER
How so?
INTERVIEWER
There is a certain set of gallows that, when fitted with a certain harness of my business partner Kyd’s own devising, can create the illusion of hanging without the vexation of dying. All we need is to arrange it with the hangman.
MILLER
Can you trust the hangman?
INTERVIEWER
Certes! For some while ago, I aided him with a most perilous waterfowl problem of his own, for which he assured me he would return the favour tenfold.
MILLER
And the uh… drawing and the quartering?
INTERVIEWER
A clever ruse involving substitute body parts, which I tend to find it’s better not to enquire too closely about.
MILLER
Well, what about the almost certain torture in the Tower? Huh?
INTERVIEWER
A trifle! A few gold coins in the hands of the right people, and the rack will be exchanged for a comfortable woolpack. Just, you know, make the right noises whenever another guard walks by. “Oof!”, “Aargh!” That sort of thing. Let’s try it now.
(PAUSE)
MILLER
Uhm… (HESITANTLY) Oof?
INTERVIEWER
A bit more feeling.
MILLER
(SLIGHTLY PAINED NOISES)
INTERVIEWER
Better…
MILLER
(AS IF IN AGONY) Aaargh! My solar plexus!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, now, yes, you see, I love the energy, but remember: you’re being tortured,
MILLER
Yes
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-you shouldn’t really have the presence of mind to name the bits of anatomy.
MILLER
It, it didn’t feel natural.
INTERVIEWER
A good rule of thumb is: if you can spell what you’re saying, you’re not sounding tortured enough.
MILLER
Yes
INTERVIEWER
Less wordy, more hurty.
MILLER
Understood.
INTERVIEWER
One more time?
BEAT.
MILLER
(ELABORATE, DRAMATIC NOISES OF PAIN)
INTERVIEWER
Lovely. And once all that is through and your execution is nice and official, you can go where you please.
MILLER
But where?
INTERVIEWER
Well, Master Miller, what does your fancy suggest?
MILLER
I know not. Nor what I’ll do, for I was prentice to the theatre since I was a lad, I have played Katherina, Hermia, Lady Anne. I brought audiences to tears before my voice did break. Of other work I know but little.
INTERVIEWER
You are a man of great imagination, surely you can think of something you should like to do?
MILLER
I know what I should not like.
INTERVIEWER
And what is that?
MILLER
Anything that involves anyone making phallic puns.
INTERVIEWER
Then might I suggest you avoid finance. But perhaps a new trade in the world outside of London?
MILLER
The world outside of London? …well, ’tis better than the world beyond. You have my thanks. But what of the plays? Will they continue without me?
INTERVIEWER
One way or another, I’m sure. But, I prithee, grant me one favour.
MILLER
Anything!
INTERVIEWER
Before we commence your disappearance, speak a word to Will. Endeavour to nudge him out of his rut.
MILLER
How?
INTERVIEWER
I know not, Master Miller. I am not a writer. But you very much are. Perhaps you have the words.
(CUT TO A FIELD IN SCOTLAND - PRESENT DAY. SCRUBBING SOUNDS)
KOZLOWSKI
He did not have the words. Shakespeare was as feckless as ever.
JACKIE
I had writer's block once. Tried to send a text message to an ex. Really didn't know what to write.
KOZLOWSKI
We continue our story two years later. In the meantime, Shakespeare's company - or rather, Lord Hunsdon's company - had gained even greater success. They had moved into a new, purpose-built theatre: The Globe! And the Brotherhood moved with them. Using the backstage rooms as our place of business worked exceedingly well. Even Lord Hunsdon did not suspect a thing. He assumed we were part of the backstage crew, and never gave us a second thought. We could carry all sorts of contraptions in and out in broad daylight, and people simply thought they were props.
MIA
Even corpses?
KOZLOWSKI
No, no, not corpses. The smell would give them away.
MIA
Of course. Talking of smell... is mine off?
KOZLOWSKI
Your root? It is fine.
MIA
Are you sure? I've been brushing off the dirt like you said, and it feels soft. You're sure it's not rotten?
KOZLOWSKI
Baldur's Root can feel soft to the touch. It is perfectly normal. And I assure you, the smell will disappear once it is brewed.
MIA
Okay. So now I just chuck this in a pot?
KOZLOWSKI
Well. The procedure is a tad more complicated.
JACKIE
What's next then? Mine's ready too.
KOZLOWSKI
Next, we wash them.
MIA
Wash them? But we already brushed them!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh but they must be absolutely clean. Please, each of you take a cup of water and rinse your root thoroughly. If the dirt will not come off, you must rub it clean.
JACKIE
With what? My blouse? It's kind of sweaty.
KOZLOWSKI
There are clean cloths in that tin over there.
JACKIE
Cloths, brushes, cups, a pan, a bucket, a chest full of kitchenware... that was some collection you had hidden out there!
MIA
Climbing into the cave, I cut my feet in so many places, my soles look like a Ravensburger puzzle.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh… I will take your mind off it. Whilst we wash the roots, let us move back to 1600, to Shakespeare's Globe…
THE GLOBE, 1600 - BACKSTAGE AT THE GLOBE THEATRE
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Come in.
(DOOR OPENS)
(WE HEAR PERFORMANCE FROM STAGE IN BACKGROUND AS BEFORE)
BURBAGE (AS HAMLET)
(OFF) My father’s spirit—in arms! All is not well.
I doubt some foul play. Would the night were come!
(SOMEONE COMES IN. DOOR FALLS CLOSED)
FITTON
Hello?
(PAUSE. STEPS)
Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Master Ned Fitton, or should I say “Horatio”. How’s the crowd tonight?
FITTON
Decent enough. But tonight is the night. Is everything prepared?
INTERVIEWER
Of course, Ned. Soon, you will be free of the burden of writing as the last in a sorry line of Shakespeares.
FITTON
At last. I really need a break.
INTERVIEW
Yes. Since our first meeting before opening night I’ve oft had the chance to listen to this “Hamlet” of yours, and I must say…
FITTON
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
You really need a break.
FITTON
Is it that obvious?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. It’s very good, of course.
FITTON
You are kind.
INTERVIEWER
But the mental torment, Hamlet’s ambiguous insanity, Ophelia’s unambiguous insanity, the death, the revenge, the death, the pondering, the death, the bleakness, and, oh yes, the death.
FITTON
Too much …death?
INTERVIEWER
I’m not a playwright, Master Fitton. I cannot judge. But it does seem like the work of someone who could do with a bit of time off.
FITTON
I do indeed! For Will vexes me beyond all endurance!
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes, first the writer’s block and now the insistence on providing feedback.
FITTON
Alas, it has become even worse than that.
INTERVIEWER
How so?
FITTON
Though Will can no longer pen the plays himself, all the world believes he still does. Thus, like Phoebus, he shines bright, and with that comes demands and entreaties from lofty patrons. Most recently, he promised the Queen a sequence of sonnets which is due on the morrow! On the subject of love! I scarce have time for a glass of rhenish wine with friends, such is the pace of Hunsdon’s demands for new plays. So, what know I of love?
INTERVIEWER
Come come, are you not the author of Much Ado About Nothing? Of As You Like It?
FITTON
Exactly!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes I see. So then: your disappearance. Tonight.
FITTON
It is all arranged? And …safe?
INTERVIEWER
It is. No going back.
FITTON
Indeed no. I am determined to be my own master, to write plays under my own name. I do not wish to merely be an unknown writer of the plays of William Shakespeare, I wish to be known as myself, the playwright Ned Fitton.
INTERVIEWER
Except not Ned Fitton.
FITTON
Yes, I’ve been thinking about this…
INTERVIEWER
Master Fitton, to reappear under your real name is not to disappear at all. Lord Hunsdon would realise very quickly, and I’m afraid our speciality is in the feigning of death. Not in the resurrecting of the spectacularly foolhardy.
FITTON
I understand, sir. I realised you are right, and I have decided on a different name.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good! What is it?
FITTON
(GRANDLY) Signor Fernando Renard. (PAUSE).
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
FITTON
Do you not like it?
INTERVIEWER
It’s more I suspect you will not like it.
FITTON
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
Partly because it is terrible, but it’s more that you would be safer calling yourself “Master Definitely-Not-A-Pseudonym-Please-Find-Me-Not.”
FITTON
I see.
INTERVIEWER
No, it must be something unassuming. Bland.
FITTON
But as a playwright do I not want to capture attention?
INTERVIEWER
It depends on whether you want to be a living playwright.
FITTON
And… I do.
INTERVIEWER
Thomas?
FITTON
Who?
INTERVIEWER
No, I’m proposing “Thomas”.
FITTON
Is the name “Thomas” bland?
INTERVIEWER
Compared to “Signor Fernando”.
FITTON
Yes, I see.
INTERVIEWER
And for the surname, I think something very generic. Perhaps something that just sounds like you’re named for a town somewhere. Nowhere interesting, just a middling sort of place. Hmm… how do you feel about “Middleton”?
FITTON
Neither one way nor the other.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect. Thomas Middleton it is.
FITTON
The name says nothing.
INTERVIEWER
Just the blank page you need. Let the work speak for itself. And besides, “Fernando Renard” sounds French-Italian and I’m afraid that won’t wash with an English audience. Who, incidentally, don’t tend to wash. The stench from the pit is really quite something.
FITTON
But the stage, it is all set?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, indeed it is. Horatio’s next scene awaits. And you know the moment.
FITTON
I do.
INTERVIEWER
Good luck, Signor Fernando.
FITTON
(EXCITED) Really?
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) No, I just wanted you to hear it.
ON STAGE, THE GLOBE.
(BURBAGE (AS HAMLET), FITTON (AS HORATIO), AND ACTOR 2 (AS MARCELLUS) WALK ONTO THE STAGE)
BURBAGE (AS HAMLET)
The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.
FITTON (AS HORATIO)
It is a nipping and an eager air.
BURBAGE (AS HAMLET)
What hour now?
FITTON (AS HORATIO)
I think it lacks of twelve.
ACTOR 2
(AS MARCELLUS)
No, it is struck.
(TRAPDOOR OPENS)
FITTON (AS HORATIO)
Indeed, I heard it not. It then draws near… It then draws near the season wherein the spirit held his wont to (CRIES, PLUMMETING) waaaaa…!!!
(HEAVY THUMP OF A BODY HITTING THE GROUND BELOW THE STAGE)
(CROWD GASPS IN UNISON)
(PAUSE)
ACTOR 2
(AS MARCELLUS)
(HALTINGLY) Um… yea! My goodness! What devilry that Horatio hath fallen down some door of trap!
BURBAGE
Shut up, Roger.
(BELOW STAGE – CONTINUOUS)
FITTON
(GROANS IN PAIN)
(BOTH SPEAK QUIETLY)
KOZLOWSKI
Shush. You are fine. You are fine. The mat took the weight. Here…
(KOZLOWSKI SPLASHES LIQUID ONTO FITTON)
FITTON
(SPUTTERS) What is that?
KOZLOWSKI
Blood.
FITTON
Blood?!
KOZLOWSKI
Blood. Shush.
(KOZLOWSKI SPLASHES MORE BLOOD ONTO FITTON)
FITTON
(SPUTTERS) Whose blood is this?!
KOZLOWSKI
The butcher’s, technically.
FITTON
The butcher’s?! This is animal blood?
KOZLOWSKI
Would you it were a person’s?
FITTON
I’d rather it–
(KOZLOWSKI SPLASHES YET MORE BLOOD ONTO FITTON)
FITTON
(SPUTTERS) Stop splashing blood upon me!
KOZLOWSKI (OVER HIS PROTESTS)
Shush. I shall hide the mat. Go limp and keep your eyes shut.
FITTON
But–
KOZLOWSKI
They are going to carry you out of here to your home and you are going to tragically die of your injuries in a few hours.
FITTON
But–
KOZLOWSKI
Shhh... They will be here in moments. Just keep limp.
FITTON
Who are you?!
KOZLOWSKI
That is unimportant. Who are you?
FITTON
I’m Ned Fit– (BEAT) I’m Thomas Middleton.
KOZLOWSKI
Correct. As of tomorrow. Godspeed, Master Middleton.
FADE TO:
BACKSTAGE AT THE GLOBE
(CROWD OF ACTORS IN THE OFF. PANICKY BABBLE FROM BEYOND DOOR)
(DOOR SWINGS OPEN)
(PANICKY BABBLE CONTINUES. SOME SHOUTS OF “WILL!” / “DO SOMETHING!”, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”)
(SHAKESPEARE RUSHES IN, SLAMS DOOR SHUT PANICKED BABBLE CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)
ROGER
He locked the door!
BURBAGE
What are you planning to do now? Just stand here? Will?!
ROGER
Will!
BURBAGE
Roger, go get him out of there.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, ah, Master Shakespeare, are you quite well? You look most affrighted?
SHAKESPEARE
I, I…
(MORE SHOUTS FROM OUT THE DOOR: WILL!)
INTERVIEWER
You… You…?
SHAKESPEARE
(WAILS IN DESPAIR, SOBBING)
INTERVIEWER
Master Shakespeare, whatever your trouble, surely ’tis not as bad as all that?
SHAKESPEARE
Sir, my Horatio has fallen down the stage trapdoor,
INTERVIEWER
Oh my
SHAKESPEARE
He is unconscious, and now we are an actor short. The performance is ruined!
INTERVIEWER
Right, there is no use losing your head, Will.
SHAKESPEARE
But the audience,
(FROM OUTSIDE: The Audience are waiting!)
they grow restless. They shall riot if we resume not.
BURBAGE
I’m not getting angry, I ‘m just getting- I want to make ART, Will!
ROGER
He has a tone of voice that’s very frightening!
INTERVIEWER
You have no Horatio, it is true. But this is your play; you must take control.
(BANGING ON THE DOOR)
(SHOUTS OF ‘WILL!’, ‘WHAT SHALT WE DO?’)
SHAKEPEARE (SOBBING)
Listen to that…
INTERVIEWER
Preferably before they break down this door. So, what will Will do?
SHAKESPEARE
(STUTTERING) What? Oh, um, oh dear. Well… One thing that might…
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes?
SHAKESPEARE
(BABBLING STUTERING) Well then perhaps if we put our head together–
INTERVIEWER
Right, well, perhaps if you recast the part? Surely another of the players can take Master Fitton’s place? They must know the play well enough.
SHAKESPEARE
That ’tis just as Burbage – our Hamlet – suggested, bu-
INTERVIEWER
Right.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes, he devised a plan to have each actor move up a part. Laertes becomes Horatio,
INTERVIEWER
Right.
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
Rosencrantz becomes Laertes, Guildenstern's now Rosencrantz,
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
Fortinbras shall play Guildenstern and so on and on and on and on-
INTERVIEWER
Well that is a fine idea.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes but the players refuse. Even Richard Burbage cannot convince them.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BUBAGE (OUTSIDE)
What are you doing man??
SHAKESPEARE
They say they are ill prepared. That they would stumble through. That they would look as fools. The groundlings in the pit can be cruel, and no one wishes to spend their evening washing putrid vegetables off their raiments.
INTERVIEWER
But surely the work clings to their minds. ’Tis the work of a genius.
SHAKESPEARE
A genius yes! But not mine! I am a fraud!
INTERVIEWER
Come now, that is not-
SHAKESPEARE
I have not written a play since Richard III.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that was a testament to your capabilities, really.
SHAKESPEARE
Back then. A man is only as good as his last play, and that last play was many last plays ago. I have lost my gift! I am a charlatan who calls the work of others his own.
(SOBBING)
INTERVIEWER
Methinks, Will, ’tis time to find the fire within you.
SHAKESPEARE
That fire is gone, sir.
INTERVIEWER
Oh nonsense. Such fires as yours do not burn out. You are only afraid.
SHAKESPEARE
The town demands from my plays the words of an immortal! And I am just a boy from Stratford. Tell me what man would not be afraid in the face of such expectations?
INTERVIEWER
None. None. Nor can my words suffice. But yours, Will, yours can.
SHAKESPEARE
(DESPERATE LAUGHTER) I do not have them.
INTERVIEWER
Do you not wish to find them again?
SHAKESPEARE
More than anything!
INTERVIEWER
Then all this fire needs is a little air.
SHAKESPEARE (QUIETLY, FAST)
I know what you are doing. Get away from that door, get away from that door-
(INTERVIEWER BEGINS WALKING TO DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, a little air. Oh, come on now. What least can you say to a man afeared?
SHAKESPEARE
What least? The least would be… well…
(INTERVIEWER OPENS THE DOOR. RABBLE GETS LOUDER)
INTERVIEWER
And go. Pump the bellows, Will.
(PAUSE)
Hello. Right.
(SHAKESPEARE EXHALES DEEPLY, THEN, LOUDLY AND COMMANDINGLY, TO CROWD OF ACTORS:)
SHAKESPEARE
Are you afeard?
(RABBLING ENDS. IT TAKES A MOMENT)
SHAKESPEARE
Are you afeard
To be the same in your own act and valor
As you are in desire?
BURBAGE (WHISPERING)
Gosh I don’t know what it means but that was good.
SHAKESPEARE
Would you have that
Which you esteem the ornament of life
BURBAGE (WHISPERING)
Ornament…
SHAKESPEARE
And live a coward in your own esteem,
Letting “I dare not” wait upon “I would,”
Like the poor cat i’ th’ adage?
(CHUCKLING)
Screw your courage to the sticking place
VOICE
Screw you!
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
And we’ll not fail.
(PAUSE)
BURBAGE
Gosh. Will. That was really good.
(MUMBLING IN AGREEMENT)
SHAKESPEARE
It was? It was! Ha ha!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes it was! It was! Very very good!
OTHERS
It was, wasn’t it?
BURBAGE
Like the good old days!
SHAKESPEARE
Just sort of… came to me. The words! They returned! (LAUGH) Goodness, the character… she enters my mind fully realised. She demands to live, to grow. Her ambition knows no bounds. Could she possibly be from… Liverpool?
INTERVIEWER
Or Scotland?
SHAKESPEARE
Oh yes that could work we could take it to Edinburgh. I must find a quill. If I could just-
BURBAGE (INTERRUPTS)
Will, no writing, Will! But no– first, the performance! Are you ready? Are you ready, you scoundrels?
(CROWD OF ACTORS CHEER)
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
Then go, and dazzle them all with your new roles just as with your old. The audience will be none the wiser!
VOICE
They never are!
SHAKESPEARE
Settle and bend up,
Each corporal agent to this marvellous feat.
Away, and mock the time with fairest show.
False face must hide what the false heart doth
know.
(CROWD OF ACTORS CHEER, INTERVIEWER LAUGHS TOO)
SHAKESPEARE
Players, to the stage!
(ACTORS RUSH TO THE STAGE)
There you go!
INTERVIEWER
Well done, Will.
(QUIETLY) Thank you
(LAUGHS) Yes!
But tell me, why do you linger?
SHAKESPEARE
I feel as though I forget something.
INTERVIEWER
What, no, nonsense. Go! Enjoy your triumph.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes, yes the triumph but there is… there is something… something something…
INTERVIEWER
What now?
SHAKESPEARE
(FRUSTRATED YELL/SLAPS FOREHEAD)
INTERVIEWER
Are you alright?!
SHAKESPEARE
The gravedigger! The gravedigger!
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
SHAKESPEARE
The gravedigger!!
INTERVIEWER
What about-
SHAKESPEARE
The grave digger!
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Yes alright. What about the gravedigger?
SHAKESPEARE
The gravedigger, man! If everyone moves up a part, the Grave-digger, who comes last to stage, has no one to take him on, for we are out of actors at that point.
INTERVIEWER
Oh…
SHAKESPEARE
Oh, damn!
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Oh… Yeah….
SHAKESPEARE (CON’T)
what cruel jestery that the Grave-digger would be the one to bury us.
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Yes I see….
SHAKESPEARE
We are lost! Lost!
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Right, oh… Lost… Lost… Lost… Uhmmm
SHAKESPEARE (OVERLAPPING)
Lost! Lost… Yes… Unless.
INTERVIEWER
What?
SHAKESPEARE
Unless.
INTERVIEWER
You have a plan? Oh, oh he’s got it. He’s got it. Ladies and Gentlemen, the bard has it. Yes, haha!
SHAKESPEARE
You.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry?
SHAKESPEARE
You.
INTERVIEWER
Me?
SHAKESPEARE
You! You beautiful darling man, you can do it!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, oh no. You flatter me, Master Shakespeare. I mean, I’ve dabbled, but I am no actor.
SHAKESPEARE (OVER SLIGHT PROTESTING SOUNDS)
But you have worked here for years. Although, I have been meaning to ask what exactly it is you do. Still, there are more pressing matters now. You have heard this play many times…
INTERVIEWER
Well. That is true… I mean, I do know it.
SHAKESPEARE
Will you not help a poor playwright in his hour of need?
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Uh. Well. Very well.
(SHAKESPEARE LAUGHING)
So excited!
SHAKESPEARE
I knew you’d come through! Couldn’t resist it could you, marvellous spirit! Marvellous poise that boy! Hit your mark and speak past the fellows at the back. There’s nothing to it. (TO OFF) Okay! Costume! Get this man a costume! Darkest, longest coat, if you please! Ah, my work is going to be sensational!
(THE MUSIC SWELLS UP. CREDITS)
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, David K Barnes as Will, Adam Courting as Bakewell, Ben Galpin as Miller, Pip Gladwin as Fitton, Erin King as Mia, Jordan Cobb as Jackie, with additional voices by Laurence Owen, Alexander Danner, Torgny G Anderaa, Benjamin Noble, Thomas Crowley, Patrick Lamb, Tom Middler, Peter Steele and Owen Lindsay.
The episode was written by Chris and Jen Sugden with story editing and direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
This show is free to listen to, and we want to keep it that way. However that wouldn’t be possible without the generous support of our patrons. Thank you to everyone who is chipping in to make this possible, and if you’d like to become a supporter too, even just for a few dollars, we’d be really grateful. You’ll get a load of perks in return such as ad free listening, early access to new episodes, our back catalogue of bonus content, as well as our new bonus series Itthobaal’s inventions. A special shoutout and thank you to our super patrons, that’s
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, Resetoaster.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
ON STAGE, THE GLOBE
INTERVIEWER (AS GRAVEDIGGER)
Come, Argal. My spade. There is no ancient gentlemen but gard’ners, ditchers, and grave-makers. I’ll put a question to thee. What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?
ACTOR 2 (AS OTHER)
“Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or a carpenter?”
INTERVIEWER (AS GRAVEDIGGER)
Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.
ACTOR 2 (AS OTHER)
I cannot tell.
INTERVIEWER (AS GRAVEDIGGER)
Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass will not mend his pace with beating. (CHUCKLES) And, when you are asked this question next, say “a grave-maker.” The houses he makes lasts till doomsday. Go, get thee in, and fetch me a stoup of liquor.
(ACTOR 2 (AS OTHER) EXITS. BURBAGE (AS HAMLET) AND ACTOR 1 (AS HORATIO) ENTER)
(GRAVEDIGGER BEGINS TO DIG IN PILE OF EARTH)
INTERVIEWER (AS GRAVEDIGGER)
(SINGS)
In youth when I did love, did love,
Methought it was very sweet
To contract—O—the time for—a—my behove,
O, methought there—a—was nothing—a—meet.
BURBAGE (AS HAMLET)
Has this fellow no feeling of his business? He sings in grave-making.
(DIGGING)
ACTOR 1 (AS HORATIO)
Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.
INTERVIEWER (AS GRAVEDIGGER)
(SINGS)
But age with his stealing steps
Hath clawed me in his clutch,
And hath shipped me into the land,
As if I had never been such.
A pickaxe and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet,
(LAUGHS) O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.
O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)
Ah, I could get used to this…
END.