EPISODE 74 – MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS
PIP
This episode is dedicated to the archaeologist Philip Hansen, whose death we will fake via a mummy’s curse as he breaks in to the British museum in an attempt to steal a sarcophagus and return it to the valley of the kings. He will be resurrected as a classic car mechanic in leg cap ferret in France, and pay us with an unlimited supply of restored cars for future disappearances. Be like Philip and support the show on Patreon. And now, enjoy the episode!
PROLOGUE.
MIA
Peel it?
KOZLOWSKI
Peel it.
MIA
Peel it?
JACKIE
Peel it!
KOZLOWSKI
Peel it.
MIA
It's a … twisted, knobbly, tangled up mess of a root! How on earth do you expect us to peel this?
KOZLOWSKI
Have you never peeled a ginger root?
MIA
Uh, Baldur's root looks nothing like a ginger root! Besides, I prefer my ginger in the form of ginger ale.
KOZLOWSKI
I am sure you will do alright.
JACKIE
And it will be worth it, yes?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Yes. It certainly will!
JACKIE
Well then! Let's peel!
(THEY START PEELING)
MIA
Fine. Let's just pray I don't peel my own fingers. I can't see shit.
JACKIE
In a short while, Mia, we'll be … how do the brits say… (MIMICKING AN ENGLISH ACCENT) "happy as Larry"! Just focus on that!
KOZLOWSKI
I remember a client called Larry. He was not happy. He hated the name 'Larry'. But the smile on his face when his new ID card spelled out 'Nicodemus'...!
JACKIE
On that note: You keep telling us story after story about successes. Surely not all of your clients have been satisfied? Even if you are the best in the business, you must have messed up sometimes?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course! I can give you an example of a very dissatisfied client. Two, in fact. And we happen to have come to just the right time in history.
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Episode 75 – Mary Queen of Scots, 1587
TOWER OF LONDON, 1587,
A HALLWAY.
(LOUD VOICES FROM BEHIND A DOOR. THE INTERVIEWER IS HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH MARY & ELIZABETH. IT HAS TURNED INTO A SHOUTING MATCH. JUST SHOUTING FOR A WHILE)
(KOZLOWSKI COMES WALKING BY AND STOPS OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
KOZLOWSKI
What is this racket?
(THE INTERVIEWER COMES STORMING OUT, MARY RIGHT ON HIS HEELS. THE INTERVIEWER SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND THEM)
INTERVIEWER
This way.
KOZLOWSKI
What is going on?
INTERVIEWER
(STRESSED) This lovely lady here is getting some nice new garments!
MARY
(SCOTTISH) Ay, an the garments better be nice or I'll kick youse in the tadgers!
INTERVIEWER
Please, down the hall and to the left, that's where we keep the costumes! Chop chop, no dilly-dallying!
MARY
Are they nice? Tell me! Are the clothes nice?
INTERVIEWER
(PRETEND PLEASANT)
I have procured the most fabulous milk maid costume you have ever laid eyes on! Now let's go!
(MARY TROTS OFF, ARTHUR FOLLOWS. KOZLOWSKI STOPS HIM)
KOZLOWSKI
Ravenmaster?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
MARY
Uh - this way is it...?
INTERVIEWER
That door right there! There's only one door!
MARY
Is thur no a footman around?
INTERVIEWER
(STRAINED) Just open it!
MARY
Alright! Keep yer hair on...
(MARY DISAPPEARS THROUGH THE DOOR. DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
INTERVIEWER
(TO KOZLOWSKI)
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Is everything fine?
INTERVIEWER
Everything is fabulous!
(IT IS NOT)
KOZLOWSKI
I heard shouting?
INTERVIEWER
Much cry and little wool.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you sure?
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely!
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps it is just me. I have only just returned and... abrupt noises upset me.
INTERVIEWER
Right, well, you know what they say. Sing before breakfast, cry before night, right? How was Scotland?
KOZLOWSKI
Damp, of course.
INTERVIEWER
Good, good.
BEAT.
Headsman?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Would you be able to... put an axe on a helve, as it were?
KOZLOWSKI
You should ask Solomon. He is not just good at wielding an axe, he is also an excellent blacksmith.
INTERVIEWER
No, no. I meant metaphorically.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh. What do you need?
INTERVIEWER
(GRAVELY) There is a woman who wants to talk with you.
KOZLOWSKI
That confused lady?
INTERVIEWER
No. Another one. Back in there.
KOZLOWSKI
What does she want?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nothing much.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Are we in trouble?
INTERVIEWER
No! No, no, no, not at all, no.
(KOZLOWSKI SIGHS DEEPLY)
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No.
(MARY OPENS THE DOOR DOWN THE HALL. KOZLOWSKI SIGHS AGAIN)
MARY
Whaur’re the servants? Thare’s naebody here tae dress me!
INTERVIEWER
There are no servants anymore!
MARY
Nae servants?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh lord help me… Listen to me! You have to dress yourself from now on!
MARY
Dress masel!?
INTERVIEWER
I'll be right in!
(THE DOOR CLOSES AGAIN)
KOZLOWSKI
You had a client while I was gone?
INTERVIEWER
Ugh. You look a bit ashy. Will you let me –
(THE INTERVIEWER LICKS HIS THUMB TO CLEAN KOZLOWSKI'S FACE. KOZLOWSKI TRIES TO STOP HIM)
(OVERLAPPING)
KOZLOWSKI
Do not lick your thumb and -
INTERVIEWER
Just stand still -
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
It's just a little bit of -
KOZLOWSKI
(BACKING OFF) Get it out of my face! I do not want your -
INTERVIEWER
I'll get it off!
KOZLOWSKI
- wet thumb in my face! Stop it!
(THE INTERVIEWER GIVES UP)
INTERVIEWER
Alright, forget it. Look like a fool, see if I care.
KOZLWOSKI
(FINALLY FREE) (SCOFFS) I’m not your son, you know.
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Anyhow. Will you talk to her?
KOZLOWSKI
Do I have a …choice?
INTERVIEWER
I sort of... promised her.
(MARY OPENS THE DOOR AGAIN)
MARY
Is it this ane?
INTERVIEWER
Good Lord! That is a silver-laced gown! You are supposed to be a milk maid! How many milk maids skimming around wearing silver laced gowns!
MARY
Dae cous no care for siller?
KOZWLOSKI (QUIETLY)
Shout…
MARY (CON’T)
Thare’s a nice ane here wi gowd floorishin -
INTERVIEWER
Look, look, you know what, just hold on a moment, I'm coming!
(THE INTERVIEWER RUSHES OFF DOWN THE HALL)
(TO KOZLOWSKI) Don't keep her waiting. Please.
(TO MARY) Right. Now just get back in there, will you?!
(THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM)
KOZLOWSKI
Right… (GROANS)
(WE FOLLOW KOZLOWSKI. HE WALKS THROUGH THE OTHER DOOR, THE ONE THE INTERVIEWER AND MARY EXITED FROM. WE ENTER....)
THE 'OFFICE'.
(THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND KOZLOWSKI)
(WE ARE ABOUT TO MEET QUEEN ELIZABETH. SHE HAS A COMMANDING AND INTENSE PRESENCE. EVEN WHEN SHE LOOSES HER TEMPER, SHE NEVER RELINQUISHES HER STATUS)
ELIZABETH
We refuse to pay!
KOZLOWSKI
(SURPRISED) Your Majesty!
ELIZABETH
Bow.
(KOZLOWSKI TAKES THE KNEE)
KOZLOWSKI
Queen Elizabeth. I am your humble servant.
ELIZABETH
Rise.
KOZLOWSKI
What can I do for you, Your Majesty?
ELIZABETH
Is that not immediately obvious?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course! Your Majesty is here for an execution! No payment is necessary, it is my job! Who does her Majesty wish to dispose of?
ELIZABETH
We are not here on official business.
KOZLOWSKI
No…?
ELIZABETH
We would not come speak with the executioner ourselves, would We?
KOZLOWSKI
I admit it is uncommon...
ELIZABETH
So...?
KOZLOWSKI
So... am I to assume Your Majesty is here for... the Brotherhood?
ELIZABETH
Finally, he is catching up.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, we would be more than happy to orchestrate Your Majesty's death!
ELIZABETH
Now what are you on about?
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES) Not to worry. I happen to be working on a brand new death that would be perfect. Your Majesty uses Venetian Ceruse to whiten the skin, is that not so?
ELIZABETH
What has that got to do with the price of fish?
KOZLOWSKI
I have discovered that the lead in Venetian Ceruse slowly poisons the body -
ELIZABETH
We do not wish to die!
KOZLOWSKI
No?
ELIZABETH
No!
KOZLOWSKI
Are you sure?
ELIZABETH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh.
ELIZABETH
It is not Our death We are here about, We are here about Mary's death!
KOZLOWSKI
...Mary?
ELIZABETH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
As in...
(PAUSE)
Mary Queen of Scots?
ELIZABETH
Why, yes! Which other Mary could We possibly be talking about?
KOZLOWSKI
I only learned about Queen Mary's execution this morning. She was her Majesty's cousin, yet also her Majesty's fiercest enemy... I am not sure whether to congratulate you or offer my condolences! Perhaps both.
ELIZABETH
A madman leaves the room, and a fool enters!
KOZLOWSKI
Pardon, my Queen?
ELIZABETH
Are you going to apologize?
KOZLOWSKI
For what?
ELIZABETH
The disastrous execution!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, now I see! But of course! The Brotherhood was behind Queen Mary's death!
ELIZABETH
(AS IF HE'S AN IDIOT) Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
My apologies, I have only just returned from a somewhat strenuous journey, and have not yet been informed of the business undertaken in my absence.
(LAUGHS)
The Queen is better informed than me of my own affairs!
ELIZABETH
How promising...
KOZLOWSKI
Well, I can assure her Majesty, there is nothing to worry about. Even though Queen Mary's death was not real, The Brotherhood of the Phoenix makes absolutely sure our clients never return! There is no danger that Queen Mary will come back to challenge the throne.
ELIZABETH
Sure. But that is not the issue, is it?
(PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
Is it not?
ELIZABETH
No.
KOZLOWSKI
Then what is the issue?
ELIZABETH
That ghastly beheading!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! Her Majesty is upset that it was not real! Of course! That is understandable. Having ordered her execution, her Majesty would of course prefer to see it actually happen. However, as much as I understand the desire to have it done over, we cannot disclose the whereabouts of our clients. That would undermine our profession, which I am sure her Majesty understands...
ELIZABETH
Stop rambling!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh…?
ELIZABETH
We do not want our cousin dead!
KOZLOWSKI
You do not?
ELIZABETH
No! And We do not have time for this codswallop!
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Then, my Queen, I am at a loss. Wherefore is her Majesty here?
ELIZABETH
Because We are used to getting what We pay for!
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me?
ELIZABETH
We would like you to assure Us that this frankly disastrous beheading will be afforded Us gratis!
KOZLOWSKI
(UTTERLY CONFUSED) Afforded...? Gratis...? Uh...?
ELIZABETH
So? Will your so-called Brotherhood forego the payment?
KOZLOWSKI
Payment for what, your Majesty?
ELIZABETH
Oh for...! Are you an imbecile? For Mary's fake death!
KOZLOWSKI
Her Majesty paid for Queen Mary's fake death?
ELIZABETH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Uhm... I think we need to start at the beginning.
ELIZABETH
Finally! Finally, you are ready to hear our complaints!
KOZLOWSKI
Of course, your Majesty.
ELIZABETH
Very well.
(ELIZABETH GETS OUT A SCROLL. IT UNFOLDS. IT KEEPS UNFOLDING. IT IS VERY, VERY LONG)
KOZLOWSKI
This scroll... What is it?
ELIZABETH
The complaints.
KOZLOWSKI
All complaints? It does not contain a list of your enemies? Or new laws to implement? Or your... shopping list?
ELIZABETH
It contains our complaints about Mary's death. Nothing more, nothing less.
KOZLOWSKI
(SWALLOWS) When will it stop unfolding?
(IT STOPS UNFOLDING)
ELIZABETH
Let us begin.
KOZWLOSKI
Ah.
(CLEARS HER THROAT. UNDER THE FOLLOWING, KOZLOWSKI SOMETIMES MAKES UH AND AH SOUNDS, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY INTERRUPTS HER)
Secret Royal Scroll, 9th of February 1587.
List of complaints pertaining to the unreal death of Mary Stuart at Fotheringhay Castle on the 8th of February.
We, Queen Elizabeth, Sovereign of England by the right of God's mandate, object to:
The size of the scaffold
The shape of the scaffold
The creeky noises from the scaffold
The poor workmanship of whomever built the scaffold
The scaffold being covered in drapery
KOZLOWSKI
Well…
ELIZABETH (CON’T)
The colour of said drapes
The shape of said drapes
The amount of said drapes
The poor worksmanship of whomever sewed the drapes
KOZLOWSKI
You really did not like the drapes.
ELIZABETH
(LOOKS UP) Why were there drapes?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh… Well... Presumably to conceal the trap door and the lever that produced the replacement corpse.
ELIZABETH
The trap door. Yes. Apparently, Mary landed on her behind.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah.
ELIZABETH
We'll continue.
KOZLOWSKI
Of course.
ELIZABETH (CON’T)
We object to:
The lack of a mattress or pillows for Mary to land on
The height of the drop
The timing of the drop
The lack of warning before the drop
And the lack of practice falling through the trap door
(SHE DRAWS HER BREATH AND STARTS AGAIN)
The look of the headsman
The height of the headsman
The build of the headsman
The look in the eye of the headsman
The smell of the headsman
The headsman's ugly hands
And the headsman's poor dental hygiene
KOZLOWSKI
I realize my apprentice Solomon must have been acting headsman yesterday. I am afraid his dental hygiene does leave something to be desired.
(ELIZABETH PUTS DOWN THE SCROLL)
ELIZABETH
You have been public headsman at the Tower of London for years. Is that correct?
KOZLOWSKI
That is true.
ELIZABETH
Yet, this position is just a ruse.
KOZLOWSKI
My role here is a... cloak, hiding my real visage. I prefer not to actually murder anyone!
ELIZABETH
So, what do you do?
KOZLOWSKI
I take care of aspects.
ELIZABETH
Aspects?
KOZLOWSKI
I assure the likeness of corpses to clients and shape the client's new, face to make them unrecognizable.
ELIZABETH
Right. What about the Ravenmaster? I assume his role here is a 'cloak' as well?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) He does tend to the ravens. But yes, his responsibility is to craft deaths and plan new identities.
ELIZABETH
Crafting deaths and planning identities... How many of Our enemies have you helped escape the Crown?
KOZLOWSKI
Your Majesty! I am afraid I must invoke client-death-faker-confidentiality!
ELIZABETH
But you have had clients from nobility and government?
KOZLOWSKI
Well -
ELIZABETH
Under Our rule?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, your Majesty. But I cannot disclose -
ELIZABETH
Nevermind. T'is a digression. What I really want to know is this: Is it your habit to change the plan before the execution?
KOZLOWSKI
Change the plan?
ELIZABETH
You are not claiming what happened yesterday was the plan?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, I do not know the plan, so -
ELIZABETH (CON’T)
Because if that had indeed been the plan, We would never have aided Mary in acquiring a fake death. So, I think we can agree, that was not the plan, nor should it ever have been the plan, but since it happened, we have a problem!
KOZLOWSKI
Right...
ELIZABETH
Let us continue.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Of course...
ELIZABETH
We object to:
The time of day
The day of the week
The week of the month
The month of the year
The pineapple
The decade
The century
The millennia in which it happened
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me? Your majesty ordered Mary's execution! And her fake death! When else should we have done it?
ELIZABETH
At a better time.
KOZLOWSKI
Huh...!
ELIZABETH
We object to the amount of candles lit in the room
To the -
KOZLOWSKI
(INTERRUPTS) Your Majesty objects to everything?
ELIZABETH
Pretty much. When We wrote this list, We were quite irate.
KOZLOWSKI
Your Majesty, you clearly have numerous complaints, but so far, I have not heard any grievances so serious they warrant the cancellation of payment.
ELIZABETH
Oh, this was just the first few paragraphs! We started with the small grievances and saved the really dreadful stuff for the end.
KOZLOWSKI
May I then request that we skip to the end, lest we be here all day?
ELIZABETH
Skip to the end?!
(THE DOOR OPENS AND MARY ENTERS)
MARY
Leuk! Hae a gainder at me!
ELIZABETH
Oh, there you are!
MARY
Wud ye look at this dress he made me wear! A' dinna ken whit tae make o' it!
ELIZABETH
What is there to make of it? You look like a …milk maid.
MARY
T'is very plain.
ELIZABETH
T'is good for a milk maid.
MARY
If ye say so...
KOZLOWSKI
Are you... Is this... I saw you with the Ravenmaster. You must be - ! I am so sorry!
(KOZLOWSKI KNEELS)
Queen Mary, Your Majesty! I am at your service.
ELIZABETH
Right, let's nip this in the bud. Please rise, promptly!
MARY
Yeah, whit she said! Rise!
ELIZABETH
You are not to refer to Mary as if she is royal, do you understand?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh - ?
ELIZABETH
We ask you to please observe that Mary is not a queen.
MARY
But a' am! Ask the Scots! A'm the queen o' bloody Scotland!
ELIZABETH
Not anymore. Now you are a milk maid.
MARY
(SULKY) I used tae be the queen o' France too.
ELIZABETH
Not only is she not a queen anymore, she is not Mary anymore, seeing as Mary was beheaded yesterday.
KOZLOWSKI
I suppose that is true.
ELIZABETH
However, you may still use her name until she's given a new one. Just refrain from royal titulations. That's a good boy. There is only one ruler in this room. And it is Us. Thank you.
(MARY SCOFFS)
KOZLOWSKI
Very well, your Majesty.
ELIZABETH
Now that you are here, Mary, We will resume our complaints.
MARY
Oh, yea! I landed on ma bahoochie! it's loupin!
KOZLOWSKI
I apologize for that.
ELIZABETH
Hurting bottoms or no, the headsman here has requested We skip to the end of the list. We have in Our wisdom decided he may have it so. After all, We have a country to run.
(ELIZABETH PICKS UP THE SCROLL AGAIN AND 'SCROLLS' THROUGH IT UNTIL SHE GETS TO THE END)
MARY
Aye, t'is true! We are busy!
ELIZABETH
You are not busy, Mary.
MARY
Well, I suppose -
ELIZABETH
You are dead.
MARY
...aye.
ELIZABETH
Now. Here we are. These are our most grave concerns. We object to:
Mary's sleeves being crimson-brown.
KOZLOWSKI
Crimson-brown! What is wrong with that? It is a becoming colour!
ELIZABETH
T'is the liturgical colour of martyrdom!
MARY
Aye, a very becoming colour!
ELIZABETH
You are not a martyr!
MARY
A' am though! Ye said so yersel!
ELIZABETH
We said you were a victim to scheming noblemen who inflated your ego, twisted you around their finger and pitted you against Us for their own political goals!
MARY
Aye, a mairtyr!
ELIZABETH
(IGNORING HER) Furthermore, We object to Mary's jolly countenance.
KOZLOWSKI
Her countenance, Your Majesty? How is her facial expression our fault?
MARY
The Ravenmaster gave me actin lessons! We wurked sae much on smiling, ma cheeks hurt!
KOZLOWSKI
Smiling?
ELIZABETH
We also object to the unseemly comments.
KOZLOWSKI
Unseemly comments...?
MARY
(QUOTING) "A' niver hud such grooms tae mak me unready, and a' never put aff ma claes afore such a company!’
KOZLOWSKI
He had you say that?
MARY
It's innuendo, in't it!
KOZLOWSKI
It would seem so...
ELIZABETH
Why was Mary instructed to be glib moments before her execution?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh... May I please consult with my colleague?
ELIZABETH
We do not have all day.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh do not worry, I will be right back.
(KOZLOWSKI EXITS. BACK IN THE HALLWAY)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur? Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(FURTHER AWAY) I am here!
(ARTHUR COMES WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY FOLLOWED BY A RAVEN)
KOZLOWSKI
The clients are very dissatisfied.
INTERVIEWER
Oh I know, they`re bloody impossible, aren't they! Did you notice Queen Elizabeth's head? Such a loud voice from such a tiny head! I mean, she's like a screaming pea!
KOZLOWSKI
You could have warned me.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, didn't I?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Must have slipped my mind. And I- I didn't want to make you prejudiced.
KOZLOWSKI
(IRONIC) How noble.
INTERVIEWER
Anyway. What did they bring up?
KOZLOWSKI
So far, the main concerns seem to be the drapery, her sleeves, her countenance and her parting words.
INTERVIEWER
(DREAMILY) Ah! The sleeves. Such lovely sleeves! I mean, they were symbolic!
KOZLOWSKI
There seems to be a very long list of complaints.
INTERVIEWER
There's nothing on there you cannot justify.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you sure?
INTERVIEWER
Do you know what, I think this is the best death I've faked this century!
KOZLOWSKI
This century? Really?
INTERVIEWER
Unfortunately, this client and her patron couldn't tell a turd from an emerald!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, is that the argument you want me to put forward?
INTERVIEWER
(OFFENDED) Yes! Yes, you should defend my artistry! The originality! The thaumaturgy!
(RAVEN CAWS)
KOZLOWSKI
Thaumaturgy...? Are you sure this was a good death, Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
(INSISTENT) One of the best I've ever done!
KOZLOWSKI
Very well.
(KOZLOWSKI GOES BACK IN)
BACK IN THE 'OFFICE'.
ELIZABETH
Was that enlightening?
KOZLOWSKI
As enlightening as I could hope.
ELIZABETH
So?
KOZLOWSKI
I believe the reason for the smiling and the unseemly words were misdirection, your Majesty.
ELIZABETH
Misdirection?
KOZLOWSKI
It is often smart to apply a level of theatricality, to make sure-
ELIZABETH (INTERRUPTING)
Theatricality?! Your colleague seems to think it was right to stage Mary's execution as a comedy!
KOZLOWSKI
Well -
ELIZABETH
I say comedy. I should say horror. We now get to the gruesome part.
KOZLOWSKI
The beheading?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, a beheading is always a traumatizing sight -
ELIZABETH
We are not traumatized by seeing people die. People die every day. Plus, we were not present.
KOZLOWSKI
Her Majesty was not present?
ELIZABETH
No. But the details are very clear. We have read the account by Robert Wynkfielde, who was present.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. And in Wynkfield's account, the execution is not favorably described?
ELIZABETH
It is described as an almighty disaster!
MARY
Ayyye! Why did youse hiv tae pummel ma bonnie heid tae mush?!
KOZLOWSKI
...pummel?
ELIZABETH
Why did you miss her neck and hit the back of her head?
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me one moment…
ELIZABETH
Are you leaving Us again?
KOZLOWSKI
I will be swift as a sparrow!
(KOZLOWSKI LEAVES)
BACK IN THE HALLWAY.
(THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND KOZLOWSKI)
We miss her neck and hit the back of her head?
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
KOZLOWSKI
We pummeled her head?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, right, that, yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Why did we pummel her head!?
INTERVIEWER
Well, the first blow had to miss her neck because the only replacement corpse I could find on such short notice had been killed with a blow to the back of the head.
KOZLOWSKI
Right.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Any more questions?
KOZLOWSKI
(SCOFFS)
(KOZLOWSKI GOES BACK IN)
BACK IN THE 'OFFICE'.
KOZLOWSKI
We had to hit the replacement corpse in the same place it had been hit when it was killed.
ELIZABETH
But that does not account for all the blows?
KOZLOWSKI
All the...?
MARY
Ye hacked an hacked like a' wis a piece o'firewid!
KOZLOWSKI
(QUIETLY) Hacked and hacked… I see… Well, will you please excuse me -
ELIZABETH
No!
BEAT.
You stay here.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Sometimes the sinews will not cut with the first blow. If the replacement corpse was acquired on short notice, it may have been tougher than desired -
ELIZABETH
(INTERRUPTS) This brings us neatly to the following debacle.
MARY
O, aye! Got wurse, didn't it?
KOZLOWSKI
It did?
MARY
(MOCKING HIM) "It did?!" Why on earth did ye hae ma wig come aff!?
KOZLOWSKI
Your wig?
ELIZABETH
In Robert Wynkfielde's words: "Then, her dress of lawn falling from off her head, it appeared as grey as one of threescore and ten years old, polled very short."
MARY
Threescore and ten years old! I'm barely 44!
ELIZABETH
Wynkfield continues: "Her face in a moment being so much altered from the form she had when she was alive, as few could remember her by her dead face."
KOZLOWSKI
If the face of the replacement corpse was not an identical match, letting her wig fall off may have been another attempt at... misdirection.
ELIZABETH
Are you not in charge of aspects?
KOZLOWSKI
I am, but...
ELIZABETH
So why did you not change the corpse's aspects?
KOZLOWSKI
I told you, I was not available.
ELIZABETH
Are you saying certain services were lacking?
KOZLOWSKI
Even if I had been here, there may not have been time.
ELIZABETH
Can you still not see why We are dissatisfied?
KOZLOWSKI
I... am very sorry about the state of the replacement corpse. Perhaps we can consider a small discount -
ELIZABETH
(QUOTING) "Her lips stirred up and down a quarter of an hour after her head was cut off." Hm?
KOZLOWSKI
(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) He made the lips stir?!
MARY
For a quarter of an hour!
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) He made the lips stir! I am so proud! I have tried to teach him that trick for years, but I did not know he had mastered it!
ELIZABETH
I thought this was a royal death, not a ghost story!
KOZLOWSKI
Your Majesty has no idea how hard it is to make lips move! I am proud to say we are the only death fakers ever to have mastered the techn- !
ELIZABETH (INTERRUPTING)
The aim of the moving lips was misdirection, I take it?
KOZLOWSKI
No! Realism!
ELIZABETH
Realism?
KOZLOWSKI
A dead body does not stop moving immediately. Now, have we come to the end of your complaints?
ELIZABETH
We have one more.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
WITH HOPE
Just one more?
ELIZABETH
You know, We pride Ourselves on being a moderate and tolerant queen. We avoid unnecessary conflict. We maneuver the political scene cautiously and diplomatically.
One of Our mottos is "video et taceo".
KOZLOWSKI
"I see and keep silent".
ELIZABETH (CON’T)
But We cannot keep silent about what went down at Fotheringhay Castle. You have given justifications for the other... let's call them "surprises". And though We still do not approve, We may see that you had reason for your idiosyncratic choices. But We shall be very curious to hear you explain the final one!
KOZLOWSKI
(WITH DREAD) And that would be?
ELIZABETH
The dog, my dear fellow. The dog!
(PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
(THIS CAN'T GET ANY WORSE) The dog...
MARY
After ma wig haed fallen aff, Geddon came runnin oot! The Ravenmaster hud put ma poor wee woofsie under the skirt o' the replacement corp!
KOZLOWSKI
Geddon?
MARY
Aye, his name's Geddon.
ELIZABETH
Let Us turn to Robert Wynkfield's account again...
KOZLOWSKI
If we must...
ELIZABETH
(QUOTING) "Her little dog which was crept under her cloths, which could not be gotten forth by force, yet afterward would not depart from the dead corpse, but came and lay between her head and her shoulders, which being imbrued with her blood was carried away and washed".
MARY
Poor wee lad. Why did he huv tae see me die?
ELIZABETH
We and Mary disprove on different grounds. England does not care for the emotional distress you may have caused the mutt.
MARY
Geddon'll niver forget it!
ELIZABETH
- We oppose to the fact that THERE WAS A BLOODY DOG RUNNING AROUND LICKING MARY'S DEAD FACE! And don't give Us the misdirection nonsense, this happened after her head was cut off, you didn't need any more asinine theatricality! If John Lyly's hordes of acting children had run onto the scaffold wearing petticoats, belting their lungs out, it would not have been ill-fitting! At this point, adding a mongrel to the proceedings made nothing more than a mockery of the whole affair!
INTERVIEWER
(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) It was a masterpiece of magic and absurdity!!
(THE CAW OF A RAVEN FROM BEHIND THE DOOR TOO)
ELIZABETH
Was that your friend?!
KOZLOWSKI
It appears that he is listening from behind the door.
ELIZABETH
Come in here and argue to our face!
(PAUSE)
Why the dog?
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) I cannot justify … the dog.
ELIZABETH
We didn't think so.
KOZLOWSKI
Your Majesty, may I please ask a question?
ELIZABETH
If it is pertinent.
KOZLOWSKI
Why is the English crown aiding its most formidable enemy with faking her death?
(BEAT. A CHANGE IN ELIZABETH, SOME OF HER HARDNESS MELTS AWAY)
ELIZABETH
She's Our cousin.
KOZLOWSKI
But she plotted to kill you.
ELIZABETH
(ANNOYED) Yes, the Babington plot...
KOZLOWSKI
So why help her live?
ELIZABETH
Because We took pity on her!
KOZLOWSKI
Pity?
ELIZABETH
We went to meet Mary in secret. We had just signed the letter ordering the shortening of her life, but before she was executed, We wanted to see her. Look once with Our own eyes upon Our kin and gage what kind of woman she might be.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you saying you two had never met?
MARY
Niver even wance!
ELIZABETH
We only ever heard other people's accounts of Mary: Scheming, treacherous, treasonous...
MARY
Folks told me Elizabeth wis self-righteous, unreasonable, tyrannical.
ELIZABETH
But Mary was not the woman We had heard described.
MARY
Neither war you.
ELIZABETH
Imagine if We had grown up as cousins! Chasing the ducklings in Hatfield Park!
MARY
Yet all we war iver allowed tae be war enemies.
ELIZABETH
When We entered her chambers, my poor cousin was crying.
MARY
A' wis sitting by the fire. Almost put it oot, a' haed so many tears tae shed!
ELIZABETH
We asked if she was crying because of Us.
MARY
A' said no! A'm cryin because of a' they bloody men!
KOZLOWSKI
Which men?
MARY
Lord Bothwell, Babington, the Dauphin Francis, all of the Spaniards! A' these men uisin me a' these years!
A' spent ma life tryin tae be the queen awbody said a' wis. Doin whit seemed the most royal an powerful thing tae dae. But ma actions haed neither rhyme nor reason. They war juist random decisions piled on tap o' each other. I hud no political foresicht! No ambition! Sittin there, afore that fire, days away from ma execution, a' realised... I hud only iver done whit men haed told me tae.
ELIZABETH
Self-serving noblemen pushing this poor woman, here, there and everywhere. Until she is embroiled in so many plots against Our person... her fate was sealed.
MARY
So, no, a' said, dear cousin, you're no the ane tae mak me greet. In fact, a'm grateful tae ye! If it wisne fur you condemning me tae death, a' may niver hae realized! Ye may be takken ma life, but y've glen me something much more important: Ma self-wirth.
ELIZABETH
Our feud had been pointless. We had been tricked into it. Decades of worrying. Which needn't ever have happened if we had just met sooner.
KOZLOWSKI
So your Majesty decides to save Mary from the death sentence your Majesty herself had issued. And the only way to do that was by contacting us.
ELIZABETH
That was the idea.
KOZLOWSKI
May I ask... why fake Mary's death at all? Why not pardon her? Or keep her in prison?
MARY
Are ye bloody joking?! Dae ye know how many places a'v been imprisoned?
KOZLOWSKI
I do not.
MARY
A'v been preesoned at Loch Leven Castle, Workington Hall, Cockermouth Hall, Carlisle Castle, Bolton Castle, Tutbury Castle, Wingfield Manor, Chatsworth House, Wingfield Manor again, Tutbury Castle again, Saint Mary's Hall, Tutbury Castle a third time, Chatsworth House a second time, Sheffield Manor House, Sheffield Castle, Wingfield Manor a third time, fuckin Tutbury fuck-castle a fuckin fourth fuckin time, Chartley Manor, Tixall Hall, Chartley Manor again and then Fotheringhay Castle whaur ma heed wis cut aff!
A spent the last 19 years o' ma life in prison! A gilt cage is still a cage. Elizabeth here says so.
ELIZABETH
"Queen Elizabeth here says so".
MARY
Aye. Queen Elizabeth made me realize a'v nothing left in this world but death. So a' better get a new life.
ELIZABETH
So, when We learned of your services...
MARY
Though youse went and botched it! Didn't they?
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
We did not. Mary is dead.
ELIZABETH
Yes, but her death was -
KOZLOWSKI
Her death was flamboyant and idiosyncratic! So what?
ELIZABETH
"So what"?!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! So what?
ELIZABETH
We do not want Mary's death remembered at our expense!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. So that is the real complaint.
MARY
But cousin... Elizabeth! A' may be remembered, aye, but a'll be remembered as an insurgent! You will be remembered as a queen!
(PAUSE AS ELIZABETH GATHERS HERSELF)
ELIZABETH
Be that...
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
...as it may. We still withdraw Our patronage.
KOZLOWSKI
Your Majesty. Now that all complaints have been aired, and I have explained our reasoning, what happens next?
ELIZABETH
You accept the loss.
KOZLOWSKI
Mary, you cannot pay your-
MARY
A'm deid, remember! Ye can bring nothin wi ye when ye die. Granny de Bourbon always said that.
ELIZABETH
She has nothing.
KOZLOWSKI
Yet without payment, we cannot afford... cows! We cannot set Mary up in her new life! And we can not let Mary go out onto the street still looking like herself.
ELIZABETH
Which brings us back to what We said at the beginning of our conversation: We have a problem.
KOZLOWSKI
Will you excuse me for just a moment? I need to consult with my colleague one last time.
ELIZABETH
If you do not come up with an adequate decision, this may be the last time you do anything.
(HE LEAVES)
BACK IN THE HALLWAY.
(KOZLOWSKI CAREFULLY CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE LEANS HIS HEAD ON THE DOOR) KOZLOWSKI EXHALES, STRESSED. A SINGLE CROW CAWS)
KOZLOWSKI
Ah –
(KOZLOWSKI TURNS. ANOTHER DOZEN CROWS CAW SIMULTANEOUSLY KOZLOWSKI JUMPS)
Jesus, John and Mary!
BEAT.
I see you went to get all your friends...
INTERVIEWER
(NOT PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL) They cheer me up.
KOZLOWSKI
But can they help?
INTERVIEWER
Probably not. How is it going?
KOZLOWSKI
We have reached an impasse.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
KOZLOWSKI
They refuse to pay. And, as much as I respect your artistry, I must admit their complaints are...
INTERVIEWER
Don't say "valid"! Do not say “valid”
KOZLOWSKI
...understandable.
(INTERVIEWER SCOFFS)
If we want to save our necks, I fear the only way forward is to forgo payment.
INTERVIEWER
No, no no! We have vowed never to do that!
KOZLOWSKI
I know.
INTERVIEWER
It sets a bad precedent! You said that!
KOZLOWSKI
I know. But there is only so long I can stand my ground. My neck is starting to tickle!
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
KOZLOWSKI
Any ideas?
INTERVIEWER
Well...
KOZLOWSKI
Well?! WELL?! You got us into this mess, now may you get us out of it?
INTERVIEWER
It is not a mess, it is simply a misunderstood piece of art - !
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
Well... A raven did whisper in my ear...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
It may be a solution. But you will not like it.
KOZLOWSKI
Tell me!
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Henry.
KOZLOWSKI
Henry?
INTERVIEWER
Henry.
KOZLOWSKI
Who is Henry?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, come on, you remember. Henry!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh! Oh! Henry.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that Henry. I mean, it makes sense. He was her father. And we do not set a bad precedent...
KOZLOWSKI
(CONSIDERING) Well... I suppose not...
INTERVIEWER
It’s the best I have.
KOZLOWSKI
It is not bad. Not bad at all!
INTERVIEWER
You like it?
KOZLOWSKI
Let us pray it works...
INTERVIEWER
That’s alright then – off you go…
(KOZLOWSKI GOES BACK IN)
BACK IN THE 'OFFICE'.
KOZLOWSKI
We have a proposition.
ELIZABETH
You do, do you?
MARY
This proposition better include me gettin ma cous! A' wis lookin forward tae the cous.
KOZLOWSKI
You will get your cows. If her Majesty is willing to use her father's free disappearance on you.
MARY
'Scuse me?
ELIZABETH
Our father's free disappearance?
KOZLOWSKI
Henry the Eighth was a repeat customer. We gave him a customer card.
ELIZABETH
What is a 'customer card'?
KOZLOWSKI
Purchase three deaths, get one free! Henry stamped three deaths; Cromwell his wife Anne Boleyn and his wife Catherine Howard, of course. He never got around to claim his fourth, free disappearance.
ELIZABETH
And you are saying We have inherited this 'card'?
KOZLOWSKI
You have indeed. Her Majesty has one free disappearance to use as she wishes. If you decide to save it for the future, that is entirely your choice. It could come in handy. But then Mary will be out on the street to fend for herself.
ELIZABETH
Out on the street - being recognized! Which would reveal that her death was faked!
KOZLOWSKI
The Brotherhood would be exposed. And we would have to flee.
ELIZABETH
And We would become a laughing-stock for failing to deal with Our enemy.
KOZLOWSKI
It is your choice, Your Majesty.
ELIZABETH
The situation leaves no choice. Luckily, We do not need this 'liberum exitum'. We have no plans of dying. And We do not plan to fake any deaths ever again. This experience did not inspire repetition.
BEAT.
Mary. You may have Our free disappearance.
MARY
Thank God!
ELIZABETH
No. Thank Us.
MARY
Thank you, yer Majesty.
ELIZABETH
That's a good girl.
KOZLOWSKI
Haha! This is a wise decision, your Majesty.
ELIZABETH
Don't push it.
MARY
Oh! Should we toast? At the end of the interview yer friend said ye always hae a wee swallae!
KOZLOWSKI
This is not an interview -
MARY
Come on, let's seal the deal!
ELIZABETH
You may do as Mary says.
KOZLOWSKI
I will open a bottle of grape wine.
(KOZLOWSKI OPENS A BOTTLE OF WINE AND POURS INTO THREE METAL GOBLETS.)
KOZLOWSKI
What shall we toast to?
ELIZABETH
To diplomacy.
MARY
Tae Geddon!
ELIZABETH
We are not drinking to the mutt!
(THE INTERVIEWER BARGES IN, A DOZEN RAVENS CAWING AND FLAPPING ALONGSIDE HIM)
INTERVIEWER
Are we toasting?! Oh lovely!
(THE FOLLOWING SHOUTING OVERLAPS AS THE RAVENS CAW AND FLAP WILDLY, FIGHTING TO GET TO THE GOBLETS, KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
ELIZABETH
No, no, no! Expel the ravens! Expel the ravens!
MARY
Jesus! It's an aviary in here!
KOZLOWSKI
I am so sorry!
INTERVIEWER
They're harmless!
ELIZABETH
Get rid of the ravens now!
MARY
They're hacking at ma wine!
KOZLOWSKI
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
ELIZABETH
The raven's go or the deal is off!
INTERVIEWER
The ravens add a surreal texture!
Does her majesty not appreciate the surreal?!
ELIZABETH
We shall give you 'surreal'!
KOZLOWSKI
Shoo, shoo, come on now…
(FADE OUT UNDER THE MUSIC.)
THEME TUNE AND OUTRO
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Kate Fleetwood as both Queen Elizabeth the First and Mary Queen of Scots, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie and Erin King as Mia.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with language consultancy and sensitivity reading by Alan Burgon and Maddy Searle, audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you to everyone who is part of our patreon community, and we’re deeply indebted to our super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, Kayleigh Wilson and DOCTORmas. A massive thanks to all of you!
For more info and to access bonus content, go to ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
GRAVEYARD IN MONMARTE.
ALVINA
Huh.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
It's just... This is such a different Mary Stuart! I'm having to reevaluate so much of the history I learned at school...
INTERVIEWER
Well buckle up Alvina, because I'm going to tell you about another remarkable figure!
ALVINA
Hmm... let me guess... Before Elizabeth the first... was it... Edward? The... somethingth? Then Henry... two Henrys, and then... Richard the third! Now there's a story! You're about to tell me about Richard the third! Was he really as evil as Shakespeare made him out to be? You know his body was recently found underneath a Leicester car park?
INTERVIEWER
I could tell you a very interesting story about Richard and the princes in the tower, but... I was thinking we'd take a break from British aristocracy.
ALVINA
Hm!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
No, I had someone else in mind... a polymath, mathematician, astronomer...
ALVINA
Ok... interesting...
INTERVIEWER
I will tell you about –
(ALVINA SCREAMS!)
INTERVIEWER
What's wrong Alvina?
ALVINA
It's looking straight at us!
INTERVIEWER
What? What Alvina? What's looking straight at us?
ALVINA
Go away! Go away!
INTERVIEWER
What are you talking about? Are you seeing things Alvina?
ALVINA
The raven! On your gravestone!
(A RAVEN CAWS)
INTERVIEWER
(GENTLY) Oh.
ALVINA
It's staring right at us, I swear!
INTERVIEWER
I think he is.
BEAT.
Do you think he was listening to the story?
(ALVINA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
They're wonderful creatures, aren't they?
ALVINA
I think they're creepy.
INTERVIEWER
You know, Swedish folklore has it that ravens are the spirits of murder victims who weren't given Christian burials.
ALVINA
Well that just makes them even creepier. Why is it staring like that? It's like... he knows you!
INTERVIEWER
Maybe he does.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
I often stroll down here and talk to the ravens. And they remember faces.
ALVINA
(SHUDDERS) Creepier and creepier. Hey!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
(TO THE RAVEN) Stop it!
INTERVIEWER
Don't shout at the poor bird.
ALVINA
But… I feel like it's judging me.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, yes. They are quick to form impressions, and you don't want to get on the wrong side of a raven, believe me
ALVINA
Why? What do they do? Some kind of curse?
INTERVIEWER
Don't be so dramatic! No, of course not! No, but they are known to hold grudges.
ALVINA
Grudges?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. They can hold onto a grudge for several weeks. I hope he's feeling alright.
(SUDDENLY THE INTERVIEWER STARTS TALKING IN A STRANGE, LOW TONE. IT IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE)
ALVINA
Are you alright? What are you doing?
INTERVIEWER
Speaking Raven
ALVINA
Oh for –
(THE RAVEN FLUTTERS OVER TO THE BENCH)
(ALVINA SCREAMS)
(THE INTERVIEWER SPEAKS SOOTHINGLY TO THE BIRD IN RAVEN)
ALVINA
It's on your shoulder. It's on your shoulder. Careful, it's about to peck your ear!
INTERVIEWER
Don't be silly. He just wants to tell me something.
ALVINA
RIGHT...
(THE RAVEN CAWS)
INTERVIEWER
(SPEAKS GENTLY TO THE RAVEN)
(THE RAVEN CAWS AGAIN, THEN SHAKES HIS WINGS)
Well, now... That's interesting.
FADE OUT.