EPISODE 76 - COPERNICUS
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Michael David Smith who finally made that phone call he was supposed to make and it actually had deadly consequences.
Michael will reappear as a lighthouse keeper in Ireland. Thanks to Michael and thanks to all our Patreon supporters. Enjoy the show.
EXT. MONTMARTRE CEMETERY- NIGHT
ALVINA
(YAWNS) So, you said next up was a story about an astronomer and mathematician?
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
(BIIIIG YAWN)
Good gravy. Tired already?
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Already?
INTERVIEWER
The best bits are still to come.
ALVINA
We’ve been here for… How long have we been here? Has it been three hours? Six? More? Less? I… I’ve sort of lost sense of time
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Ha, yes.
ALVINA
Anyway, more than a little past my bedtime. (STRETCHES) God, I miss when I could stay up this late and not feel it the next day. I was going to say I’ll have a coffee after all this, but I think I’ll just skip straight to caffeine pills.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, to be young again.
ALVINA
Have you started getting back problems?
INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) I tremble in anticipation.
ALVINA
I just take Ibuprofen.
BEAT.
So, this astronomer. (INTERVIEWER HUMS) Give me a hint.
INTERVIEWER
We’re in Frauenburg. The year is 1543. Hm?
ALVINA
Hmm… Yeah, I’m going to need more
INTERVIEWER
You’re kidding?! Oh right. (CLEARS THROAT) Let me see… Oh, uhm, a Polish doctor who pioneered, among another less accurate theory, the idea of the Earth turning on an axis which accounts for the changing of the day, and the equinoxes!
ALVINA
(STILL CONFUSED) Hm…
INTERVIEWER
Really? Oh. I thought that kind of gave it away… Alright!
Oh, ah, haha! You’ll get this one!
Author of De revolutionibus orbium coelestium libri vi?
(SILENCE)
No? Uhm… Oh, Influencer of Galileo, Kepler, Descartes, and Newton?
(ALVINA BREATHES OUT A LONG SIGH. LOOONG)
Theorized to have learned the Marigheh method of devising equalized motion of revolving epicycles all on his lonesome?
(ALVINA YAWNS)
Oh for Pete’s sake! It’s Copernicus.
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. And design by Hedley Knights and Beth Crane.
Episode 76 – Copernicus, by Newton Schottelkotte.
INTERVIEW.
INT. COPERNICUS RESIDENCE- LIVING ROOM.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, AND THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI STEP INSIDE. THE SPACE IS WARM AND CLUTTERED, WITH A SMALL FIRE CRACKLING IN THE FIREPLACE. IT’S EMPTY FOR NOW.
INTERVIEWER
Hello? (BEAT) Anyone home? Your door was unlocked.
KOZLOWSKI
Not a good sign.
INTERVIEWER
Maybe it’s just a nice neighbourhood?
KOZLOWSKI
Tell that to the rat drinking from a wine bottle we passed a minute ago.
INTERVIEWER
He could be an aspiring sommelier.
KOZLOWSKI
(UNCONVINCED) Of course. And a chef, too.
INTERVIEWER
Are we breaking and entering?
KOZLOWSKI
(UNSURE) Uhm…
(STEPS)
ANTONI
Filip, they’re here!
FILIP
Now?!
ANTONI
Yes, in the living room!
FILIP
Living room?!
ANTONI
Yes. Living room. Office. Living room!
Hello gentlemen. Apologies for what’s about to happen.
(FILIP COMES IN)
FILIP
Good evening, gentlemen! Do come in!
INTERVIEWER
We, er did. Your door was unlocked.
FILIP
Oh. Er. Whoopsie. Well, allow me to introduce ourselves! Filip Segunski, and my associate Antoni Weisenbachfeldstein.
ANTONI
Charmed, I’m sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Why is your associate wearing a tablecloth?
FILIP
It’s a cloak.
ANTONI
It is my mother’s tablecloth that I don’t remember agreeing to let you do this with.
FILIP Well, you know what they say about asking permission and forgiveness and which is better.
ANTONI
And I am going to prove them wrong after this.
FILIP
Yes yes, I’ll do the dishes and the laundry for the next week, just let me go on.
ANTONI
Fine.
FILIP
Gentlemen, we are so glad you’re here. Antoni and I are the joint proprietors of Segunski Publishing and Company, formerly located just down the way, currently located, uh. Here. In this living room. Temporarily.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! It’s not named after both of you?
ANTONI
My name wouldn’t fit on the sign.
INTERVIEWER
(GENUINELY TRYING) Wiz-em-back-filled-stain?
ANTONI
Please stop, you’ll hurt yourself.
KOZLOWSKI
(EASILY PRONOUNCING IT) Weisenbachfeldstein.
ANTONI
See, just let him say it.
FILIP
Agreed.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
FILIP
But I say, we called upon you two gentlemen because we happen to have a very discreet, extremely enticing business proposal you might be quite interested in.
INTERVIEWER
Oh no thank you, we don’t want to join a cult.
FILIP
We’re not a cult!
INTERVIEWER
But the, uh, tablecloth - cloak – thing-
FILIP
We are simply two enterprising individuals, recognising two of similar ilk! Men like us have got to stick together, yes? In our (POINTEDLY) brotherhood?
(ANTONI SIGHS)
ANTONI
Alright, alright, I said I would give you two minutes with the cryptic malarky. It’s been three.
FILIP
No, no, no, no, no, please just one more! I think they’ve got it!
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
ANTONI
You’re excused, don’t mind him.
FILIP
Do! Do mind me! I figured you fellows would be all about the cloak and dagger business!
ANTONI
Nono, Filip, they seem surprisingly too well-adjusted for that.
FILIP
You’re crushing my dreams, you know.
ANTONI
Naw, don’t encourage me.
INTERVIEWER
I’m so sorry, what’s happening?
ANTONI
You two are The Brotherhood of the Phoenix, correct? Filip didn’t misspell the address?
KOZLOWSKI
We are, yes. How did you find us?
ANTONI
(HUMORLESS CHUCKLE) We’re a publishing house. We have access to quite a number of reference books, and your operation’s work truly litters the pages of history.
FILIP
See this? A rare copy of Lysistrata dedicated to The Keepers of The Phoenix.
(PLEASED CHUCKLING FROM INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI)
INTERVIEWER
Why are you temporarily located in a living room?
FILIP
Er, it’s a bit of a long story. And the reason we’ve asked you here, actually.
BEAT.
This is a job offer. Was that not clear?
INTERVIEWER, KOZLOWSKI, ANTONI
No.
INTERVIEWER
Not to me, no.
FILIP
Well now you know. I was trying to be discreet about it. Hence the cloak.
ANTONI
Tablecloth.
INTERVIEWER
Table cloak! Haha! That’s a good one. So, which of you is it that needs disappearing? Mr. Segunski? Mr. ah-
ANTONI
Don’t- And it’s neither of us.
FILIP
We’ve had a rather problematic client as of late, and to put it delicately, we’re at our wits end with the fellow.
INTERVIEWER
I see. Demanding?
(ANTONI CHUCKLES A LITTLE DARKLY, MOSTLY WEARILY. FILIP AUDIBLY WINCES)
FILIP
And then some. His name is Copernicus, Nicholas Copernicus; have you heard of him?
INTERVIEWER
Here and there. He was that fellow that came up with some idea about the sun being the centre of the universe? Yes, a friend of mine is a secretary to the Pope and mentioned something about it taking five hours to explain to the poor man.
ANTONI
Yeah, that tracks.
FILIP
He’s got a bit more than that these days: a whole book. And we’re the house he selected to do the publishing of it.
INTERVIEWER
Uh! What an honour!
FILIP
You would think, yes. There’s just been one, ah, small problem relating to client-contractor relations
ANTONI
The man’s an anal-retentive, psychotically perfectionistic, chronically dissatisfied prick.
FILIP
What he said.
INTERVIEWER
Oh my.
FILIP
Antoni and I were hired to publish his masterpiece, “revolutionibus orbium coelestium”, ten years ago. Ten years of rewrites, production halting, thousands of little, “Oh, before we send it off to the printing press, let’s just change this one, teeny thing!” Now, we’re very understanding publishers; oh, your book is your baby, it’s a controversial theory, yadda yadda yadda. But honestly! Ten years! He’s far exceeded the original compensation for the project, and we’re simply through. That bastard has put our business so far in the proverbial hole, we lost the lease on our offices and had to set up shop here.
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes, but where is he?
(FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS ABOVE, AND COPERNICUS DESCENDS INTO THE LIVING ROOM)
COPERNICUS
Oh, hello! You boys didn’t tell me you were having people over! You know, if you’re going to live in my home, we might need to establish some ground rules.
FILIP
That would be here.
COPERNICUS
My name is Nicholas Copernicus, it’s nice to meet you gentlemen. May I ask the nature of your visit?
INTERVIEWER
Er…
KOZLOWSKI
Uh-
INTERVIEWER
Well, we are… travelling… from…
FILIP
Doctors! They’re doctors!
(AGREEING MUMBLING)
On a house call. (PITIFUL FAKE COUGH) Oh, I’m sick.
COPERNICUS
Oh God. Are you deathly ill?
FILIP
Yes!
ANTONI
No. Cause that would raise the question of why he’s so sprightly, no, Filip here is simply due for his yearly checkup.
COPERNICUS
What a novel concept! Going to the doctor every year, even when you aren’t ill? Do they let you do that?
(MORE MUMBLING)
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
COPERNICUS
Simply marvellous. And terribly sorry, I don’t think I caught your names.
INTERVIEWER
We haven’t given them yet! Rosen is the name, and this is my associate, Dr. Stern.
COPERNICUS
Medicine or studies, Dr. Stern?
KOZLOWSKI
…yes.
COPERNICUS
He’s not very chatty, is he?
ANTONI
(LOUDLY, ANNOYED) Was there something you needed, Nicholas?
COPERNICUS
Oh, yes! Now, I know we agreed upon a final, final, final for real this time draft yesterday evening. I was thinking: do we have enough diagrams?
(A LONG, MANIC, EXHAUSTED LAUGH FROM FILIP. HE KEEPS GOING)
FILIP
Sorry, go on.
ANTONI
Diagrams?
COPERNICUS
Yes, we can’t be sure that everyone who reads the book will be able to, well, read.
COPERNICUS
And I think it would lend some more weight to the words themselves if we can back it up with labelled pictures.
FILIP
That is the dictionary definition of a diagram.
COPERNICUS
Brilliant! So you’ll get on it? Thank you!
(Without waiting for an answer, he hurries back upstairs)
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Well. Spin me around and call me the centre of the universe.
KOZLOWSKI
Very interesting chap.
FILIP
Really wish I’d greased those stairs.
You know, by the third Yom Kippur we were working for him, I asked God for forgiveness for all the times I’d wished he died in some horrible fashion.
(LAUGHS)
After the sixth, I stopped asking.
ANTONI
That’s why he needs to disappear. The man is literally unforgivable.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, I don’t understand. How could a person even have ten years’ worth of edits to make to one simple theory?
FILIP
(DELIGHTED) And it really isn’t that complicated. Heliocentrism is just like geocentrism, except completely different and potentially blasphemous.
INTERVIEWER
(EQUALLY DELIGHTED) How so?
FILIP
The idea that the sun is the center of the universe, with Earth and all the other planets orbiting around it, isn’t exactly new. As far back as the philosopher Philolaus in ancient Greece, who taught that at the centre of the universe was a "central fire" which all heavenly bodies, including the Sun, revolved around, non-geocentric models of the cosmos have been proposed.
ANTONI (OVERLAPPING SLIGHTLY)
I told you to net get him started…
FILIP (CON’T)
However, while many of those models have used the mathematical concepts of the equant and Tusi couple, our perfectionist friend, Copernicus-
INTERVIEWER
(YAWNS)
FILIP (CON’T)
-has found a purpose for the adoption of the heliocentric model by arguing that its validity solves the issue of planetary retrograde motion when an object orbits or rotates in direct opposition to the object it rotates around. Now, Copernicus posits that this motion is, in fact, a parallax effect, it’s all in our heads!
ANTONI (OVERLAPPING)
It’s all in our heads!
FILIP (CON’T)
If you’ll allow us to show you the latest draft, you’ll see that the tables he’s created based off of heliocentrism are able to compute far more accurately-
CUT TO:
EXT. MONTMARTRE CEMETERY- NIGHT
ALVINA
Alright, alright, alright alright stop!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Is the science lesson really necessary?
(FAST)
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
No it isn’t.
INTERVIEWER
(dejected) Alright. No it isn’t.
ALVINA
No. It isn’t. If we didn’t have several hundred more years to get through, perhaps-
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, alright. Perhaps another time. Now, where was I?
CUT BACK TO:
INT. COPERNICUS’ LIVING ROOM- EVENING
FILIP (TALKING OVER ANTONI’S PROTESTED MUMBLINGS)
And then, if you really want to understand where he’s coming from, ancient India has a work from the third century A.D. that’s just marvellous Antoni, what are you doing with my cloak?
(SOUNDS OF FABRIC RUSTLING AND CHOKING)
ANTONI
(BLITHELY) Strangling myself.
INTERVIEWER
Er, I think we get the gist of it.
FILIP
Oh, but I really do think it’s quite interesting how-
ANTONI
Filip.
FILIP
Fine. The point is, it’s complicated but manageable. Those who matter will understand it, and those who don’t will probably be too senile to demand he be excommunicated anyway. We’ve been endlessly accommodating, made every assurance, that I even had our rabbi look it over, but of course that didn’t mean much to Copernicus. Isaac found it a nice read, though. Antoni, have we sent him the birthday card yet?
ANTONI
Nope.
FILIP
Have you signed it?
ANTONI
Focus Filip.
FILIP
Oh, we’ve also assured him sequel rights. He won’t budge; still, he has edits.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I’m very sorry to hear that, but I’m afraid what you’re asking is completely unethical! We can’t fake the death of a man who doesn’t want to fake die! It’s morally bankrupt!
ANTONI
(FLATLY) What.
KOZLOWSKI
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Do we have the funds for morals?
INTERVIEWER
Just about! And we believe in informed consent with every client. Yes! You see, what goes in the bedroom, goes in death faking: that's what we said. We go over each detail of the death and their new life afterwards for total approval, knowing all the risks potentially involved.
FILIP
(TOP OF HIS LUNGS) What do you mean, you have scruples?! You’re a secret society!
A DOOR OPENS UPSTAIRS AND COPERNICUS YELLS DOWN.
COPERNICUS
(from above) A what?
(VARIOUS SHUSHING SOUNDS)
Interviewer
(HUSHED) Now look what you’ve done!
(MORE SHUSHING AND HUSHING)
FILIP
A ah picture of piety! Our friend Rosen is considering becoming a priest! (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Isn’t that right?
INTERVIEWER
I’m considering getting the hell out of here.
KOZLOWSKI
As am I.
COPERNICUS
(FROM ABOVE) Oh, you’re leaving? Well in that case, if you gentlemen wouldn’t mind sitting down with me and going over some-
FILIP
(STRAINED) They’re not leaving!
INTERVIEWER
Yes we are.
(SLIGHT SCUFFLE)
COPERNICUS
(from above) really just a couple more notes and I think we can lock this thing down-
INTERVIEWER
Unhand me!
KOZLOWSKI
Let go of him!
(MORE SCUFFLE)
FILIP
What about the morality of us losing our home?
INTERVIEWER
Not our problem. Would you get your hands off me-
FILIP
If we could just talk about this-
INTERVIEWER
Let go of my arm!
COPERNICUS
(FROM ABOVE) Hello?!
(CHAOS STOPS)
ANTONI
Gentlemen? Listen. Breathe in – breathe out.
(SOFTLY, THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)
You are our preferred option. We are reasonable people. But it has been a very, very long ten years, and we are prepared to do what is necessary to finish this contract and remove Copernicus from our lives for good. While we do not want to have to do what we are going to do should you leave, rest assured we will be more than eager to do it.
A BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Uhm.
(TO ANTONI AND FILIP) Could we snag a quick huddle for a moment?
ANTONI
Yes. Of course.
COPERNICUS
Are you gentlemen still there?
INTERVIEWER
(TO COPERNICUS) Mr. Copernicus? Dr. Stern and I are still preoccupied with our patient, if you could give us some privacy?
COPERNICUS
(FROM ABOVE) Oh, alright!
(COPERNICUS DISAPPEARS BACK THROUGH THE DOOR UPSTAIRS)
(WE ZOOM TO THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI’S HUDDLE)
INTERVIEWER
Doctor Stern, I really think they’re going to kill that man if we don’t help them.
KOZLOWSKI
That was the implication.
INTERVIEWER
So ethically, we should take this job.
KOZLOWSKI
I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
The old man is close to death anyway! And we’re not actually killing him! We just have to treat this as a delicate process.
KOZLOWSKI
I can do that.
INTERVIEWER
Well then! Fantastic! Always convenient when securing additional funding is the moral option.
(WE ZOOM TO FILIP AND ANTONI’S HUDDLE)
FILIP
What are you talking about? What are we going to do if they leave?
ANTONI
I don’t know. Kill ourselves?
FILIP
Antoni, they think we’re capable of murder! No! You’re going much too hard much too fast; you’re going to scare them away!
ANTONI
And then I’d have to kill Copernicus. You seem to underestimate the dark and twisted lengths I am willing to go to, Filip.
FILIP
You’re not dark and twisted, you’re just about to have your monthlies. No wonder the last of the chocolate’s gone missing. I need you to cool your bonfire and let me do the talking.
ANTONI
If you don’t take off that ridiculous cloak and start thinking practically, I am gonna have to-
INTERVIEWER
Oh gentlemen? You’ve got yourselves a deal.
FILIP
Wait, what?
KOZLOWSKI
We are willing to help you.
FILIP
Seriously?
ANTONI
Would you look at that.
FILIP
Splendid! Shall we discuss terms? Is there a contract we need to sign? It’s all very exciting.
INTERVIEWER
Certainly. First, we’ll need you to-
(THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND COPERNICUS ENTERS. AGAIN)
COPERNICUS
Antoni! Filip!
ANTONI
Please, God, no.
FILIP
How did he get in the kitchen?
COPERNICUS
Have we added back in the bit about the moon?
ANTONI
(GRITTED TEETH) We made it an entire book of the manuscript, yes.
COPERNICUS
With the equinoxes and everything?
ANTONI
And everything!
COPERNICUS
Hm. (A BEAT, HE NOTICES FILIP’S OUTFIT) Filip, are you wearing my tablecloth?
FILIP
IT’S A CLOAK.
ANTONI
It’s not your tablecloth, it’s my mother’s tablecloth!
COPERNICUS
Oh, right. Do you boys know where I put those planetary tables for book five?
ANTONI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Up your arse.
FILIP
(SUFFERING) On the table outside.
COPERNICUS
Brilliant, thank you! (TO KOZLOWSKI) Dr. Stern, you promise you’re not detecting anything contagious in Filip, right?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
COPERNICUS
Oh, thank heavens. You know, a cousin of mine caught the Black Death a few years back and it’s absolutely horrendous. Fever, chills, couldn’t get out of bed, and his neck swelled up like a gorged tick.
KOZLOWSKI
Really?
FILIP
(QUIETLY, SQUEAMED OUT) Oh God.
COPERNICUS
I make a point of doing a neck examination first thing every morning you never know when the plague can strike. Utterly ghastly. It was like two huge pineapples were stuck on his neck. Just as big and just as yellow with all that pus. And the blood, oof! Scads of it just seeping out of every orifice like a nightmarish waterfall of bodily
(WITH A WHEEZE, FILIP SWOONS. AN ERUPTION OF VARIOUS EXCLAMATIONS. ANTONI RUSHES TO HIS SIDE AND HELPS HIM SIT UP)
ANTONI
There you go, there you go. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
FILIP
(WOOZILY)Please stop talking about pus waterfalls.
ANTONI
(SHARPLY, TO COPERNICUS) You heard him! Go! Get some water if you want to be useful!
COPERNICUS
Right, yes, terribly sorry! Where are the cups again?
ANTONI
This is your house!
COPERNICUS
I’ll just go poke around then. Right.
(HE EXITS BACK THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. KOZLOWSKI KNEELS NEXT TO FILIP)
KOZLOWSKI
Are you alright?
FILIP
Ugh, yes. I just don’t do well with that kind of thing. Blood and the whatnot.
INTERVIEWER
(EYES NARROWING) Is that so?
ANTONI
Very inconvenient.
INTERVIEWER
I see. Dr. Stern?
KOZLOWSKI
Noted.
INTERVIEWER
Right. We’re off then.
ANTONI AND FILIP
What?!
INTERVIEWER
You two are clearly not the type of individuals capable of cold-blooded murder: there is blood involved, after all.
FILIP
I could do murder! I’d be excellent at murder!
ANTONI
No, you wouldn’t.
FILIP
Well you wouldn’t either! Yesterday there was a spider in the kitchen, and you wouldn’t get off the table until I took it outside!
ANTONI
People die of spider bites all the time, it is a legitimate concern!
FILIP
Yes, I could feel your gratitude in how you screamed, “Filip, Filip, get it out of here!”
INTERVIEWER
(TO KOZLOWSKI) Do you think we can just leave without them noticing?
KOZLOWSKI
It is definitely worth a shot.
FILIP
No, please! Alright, maybe we aren’t particularly good at murder in the abstract, but we could learn! We could believe in ourselves about it! Power of positive thinking and whatnot!
KOZLOWSKI
You know that when you kill people, they bleed and emit fluids, yes?
FILIP
Oh, and you would know?
KOZLOWSKI
I do not have to answer that outside of a court.
ANTONI
I believe you just did.
INTERVIEWER
Look, we’re very sorry that one seventy-year-old man has somehow managed to bring things to this extent, but perhaps you should just throw in the towel? Or the tablecloth. The money can’t possibly be that good if you’re living with Copernicus, and he seems like quite the handful. Does this book really, absolutely need to be published that much?
ANTONI
Yes!
(PAUSE)
Yes. Yes, the man is a nuisance, yes I miss being able to take a bath without mistaking a science experiment for soap, yes you would have to pay me ten times the amount of money we’ve made off of this job if I’d known how long it would take. But it’s not about all that! This book is going to change the world. For decades, for centuries, we believed that the planet we live on was the centre of the universe with everything revolving around us. The people who live on this planet, won’t let me put a goddamn mezuzah on the doorframe without tearing it to bits have based their entire sense of power and relevance around their planet, made by their God, being the centre of their universe. And now we have proof! We have mathematical equations, and charts, and documentation of the heavens’ rotation that tells us we are not that special, actually! We’re one planet of many, maybe hundreds or thousands out there spinning around a giant ball of fire and heat surrounded by who-knows-what! Do you understand the possibilities inherent in that idea? That we are not beholden to some divine label as the centre of the universe? We’re just a rock. With trees and water and some people on it. None of them chosen. How fucking revolutionary is that?
BEAT.
FILIP
Antoni, I didn’t know you felt that way.
ANTONI
Against my better judgment, I believe it. I think this book is going to change the world. We’re the people who are going to publish it. No one will remember us. But they’ll remember those words on those pages for the rest of history and damn it we need to make sure they get there.
FILIP
Does that mean you want to hear my thoughts on the moon bits?
ANTONI
Don’t push it.
KOZLOWSKI
Do you really think that one book can do so much?
INTERVIEWER
Now Dr. Stern, we’ve been around far too long to doubt that.
KOZLOWSKI
That’s true.
FILIP
Gentlemen, we bare our souls to you: Copernicus needs to shut up and pretend-die so that someone, anyone, can at least get one over on the Pope.
INTERVIEWER
When you put it like that it sounds slightly less noble.
ANTONI
You have seen what the Pope’s been doing lately, yes?
INTERVIEWER
Fair point. It is a proposition that tugs at the heartstrings.
KOZLOWSKI
And I do dislike the current Pope.
FILIP
Oh, I knew I liked you.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, but you can’t just push an ethical motive together with an unethical act and it cancels itself out! That’s like pushing your friend in the river when they complain it’s too hot!
FILIP
What do you expect us to do? We really have tried everything! He thinks day and night of nothing but his book, and no other topic of conversation will dissuade him! The only other thing he talks about is what horrible disease he swears he’s dying of this week!
ANTONI
Maybe if he bathed more than once during that week..
FILIP
I swear we’ve thought about other options, but the only thing that could get him to sign off on a final copy would be the goddamn plague!
INTERVIEWER
WAIT! Filip, hack up a lung.
FILIP
Hm?
INTERVIEWER
Give it a shot, will you? Really wet and choking.
FILIP
Ehm… alright.
(FILIP PROCEEDS TO GIVE A SOMEWHAT CONVINCING RENDITION OF A COUGHING FIT. AFTER ONLY A FEW SECONDS, THE KITCHEN DOOR FLIES OPEN AND COPERNICUS ENTERS, PANICKED)
FILIP
Yes, cough it all up, that’s right!
COPERNICUS
I knew it! I knew he was dying!
FILIP
I’m what?
INTERVIEWER
He’s not! Mr. Segunski just has a little cough. If you’re not feeling well, Mr. Copernicus, my associate would be happy to take a look. I must say you’re looking a bit yellow around the gills?
COPERNICUS
I’m what? Yellow?
KOZLOWSKI
(GETTING IT) Actually, I do not think I should come any closer. Your neck is looking larger than when I saw you earlier.
(EVERYONE AGREES)
COPERNICUS
I knew it. I have the plague.
KOZLOWSKI
Legally, I did not provide you that diagnosis.
COPERNICUS
Oh, I need to avail myself! I’ll be dead in a week for sure!
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps!
COPERNICUS
If you all will excuse me.
(HE RACES UPSTAIRS)
FILIP
Right. Maybe I’m just not an aficionado of improvisational theatre but… what was that all about?
INTERVIEWER
Gentlemen, your problems are about to be solved.
FILIP
With improv?
KOZLOWSKI
With the plague. Look at how quickly he left you alone the moment he believed he was dying.
INTERVIEWER
And that’s just the ticket. Yes! You don't need us to fake Copernicus’ death at all. He just needs to think he’s dying long enough to realize what would happen to his life’s work if it’s not published before he kicks the bucket.
ANTONI
Aha!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Good old fashioned psychological warfare!
FILIP
Right. But he’s not actually dying. Surely he’s going to notice that.
ANTONI
Has he been actually sick the last twelve times he’s taken all the mint leaves and lemons?
FILIP
There’s a strong difference between sick and dying. We need evidence.
KOZLOWSKI
That would be where I come in. For our usual fee, I can provide you a dose of Capsaicin. Put it in his morning tea, and he will not be dying but he will be very, very sure he is. Works itself through the system naturally, no antidote needed.
FILIP
Do I want to know what it does?
KOZLOWSKI
Have you ever seen a traveling fire eater, Mr. Segunski?
FILIP
Once.
KOZLOWSKI
Imagine if the fire didn’t go out.
ANTONI
That sounds extraordinarily painful.
FILIP
(SHIVERING WITH DELIGHT) I love it.
ANTONI
Agreed,
FILIP
But what is your, ah, usual fee? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we likely can’t pay it.
INTERVIEWER
That’s a good point
ANTONI
How about this: we’ll cut you gentlemen in on 20% of the world-changing book sales. Does that suffice?
INTERVIEWER
(a little too fast) Done.
KOZLOWSKI
40% perc - Oh, too late.
FILIP
20% Noted!
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH TO THE INTERVIEWER)
You should leave these things to me.
FILIP
We have a deal? No taksies-backsies?
INTERVIEWER
No Taksies-backsies!
There’s just one more thing we need to decide on first: where to send him?
ANTONI
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well you said yourself, after you publish Copernicus’ work he can’t very well stick around and be able to send in more edits. We’d need to give him a new life far, far away, somewhere with a dreadful postal service.
FILIP
Like we said, we don’t really care where you send him. Just get him out of our hair for good and we’re golden. But here
(FILIP WALKS OVER TO A BOOKSHELF AND PULLS OUT A LARGE, HEAVY ATLAS. HE HAULS IT OVER TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM AND OPENS IT TO A MAP OF THE WORLD. THE FOUR MEN GATHER ROUND)
FILIP
This is one of our latest atlases of the known world.
ANTONI
Knock yourself out.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, this is very detailed
(LEAFING THROUGH)
What about a remote island in the Pacific? I’ve heard there are some astronomy lovers there. (CHUCKLES)
KOZLOWSKI
And send them a man riddled with diseases they have never heard of, much less have immunity to? A recipe for disaster.
INTERVIEWER
Right…
KOZLOWSKI
How about… Egypt? All those pyramids.
INTERVIEWER
A bit of a war zone these days.
ANTONI
Ugh, come on! There are people less deserving of being shot!
FILIP
(QUIETLY) Do you want me to find the hot water bottle?
ANTONI
(QUIETLY) Yes, please.
INTERVIEWER
Well aside from astronomy, what would he like? What would be the perfect place for Copernicus to live out the, presumably, last few years of his life in imperfect semi-comfort?
ANTONI
I…
(NOPE)
Beats us.
INTERVIEWER
Surely after working with the man for ten years you’d know at least a bit about him.
FILIP
And with enough drinking, we won’t remember any of it!
ANTONI
Yeeey!
INTERVIEWER
His likes? His dislikes? Anything that could help?
ANTONI
Eh. He mentioned when we first met that he liked …dogs?
INTERVIEWER
Right, I meant any relevant information? Do you have any contacts? Colleagues? People who could take him in and not ask questions?
FILIP
Where would they keep him, a basement?
ANTONI
Yes, I like that idea.
FILIP
And I don’t. Next?
INTERVIEWER
I’m downright stumped.
(KOZLOWSKI CLEARS HIS THROAT)
KOZLOWSKI
We could just put him on a trade ship
KOZLOWSKI AND INTERVIEWER
-and then he is/he’s somebody else’s problem!
FILIP
You two really are good.
ANTONI
Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll drown.
FILIP
(SMITTEN) Oh Antoni, you say the sweetest things.
ANTONI
Perhaps you could provide a note of recommendation, Dr. Stern? Suggesting salt air and the open sea?
INTERVIEWER
A capital idea! Way to think ahead, Mister Weißen-
ANTONI
Don’t ruin it.
INTERVIEWER
Wouldn’t dream of it.
FILIP
Alright then! Anything else? I feel like we’re forgetting something
(A HORRIBLE CRASH FROM THE KITCHEN)
ANTONI
Oh please no-
(DOORS OPEN)
COPERNICUS
Hi all! And, ah, Antoni! I didn’t find any water glasses but, well those funny-looking plates of yours weren’t important, were they? With the six little divots? Seems awfully inconvenient
ANTONI
(FAINTLY, WITH RAGE) No. They only survived two pogroms, a banishment from Lower Silesia, and two hundred years of minor disturbances.
KOZLOWSKI
Seder plates.
INTERVIEWER
Oooh, not a good look.
COPERNICUS
I’m not following, what does this mean-
ANTONI
What it means is- what it means is- (CLEARS THROAT. FORCED CALM) Copernicus, would you care for a cup of tea?
MUSIC
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski Josh Rubino as Filip, Dallas Hawthorne as Antoni, Jonathan Kydd as Copernicus and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
The episode was written by Newton Schottelkotte, with story editing and direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, sound design by Beth Crane and Hedley Knights, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
We couldn’t do this without our faithful Patreon supporters, thanks to all of you who are supporting the show, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, Kayleigh Wilson and DOCTORmas.
For more info on the show, how to support us and access bonus content, go to ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
KOZLOWSKI, JACKIE AND MIA AROUND A CAMP FIRE AT NIGHT IN A FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
KOZLOWSKI
...and that was the end of our run in with Copernicus.
JACKIE
What an annoying man.
MIA
This doesn't make sense.
JACKIE
What doesn't?
KOZLOWSKI
I assure you, I have not exaggerated. Maybe apart from the description of his beard. It might have been less unkempt than I made it out to be.
MIA
No, not that. Look up.
JACKIE
What am I looking at?
MIA
The moon.
JACKIE
What about it?
MIA
It's started over.
JACKIE
Sorry?
MIA
Look!
JACKIE
Yes?
MIA
That's where it was when we arrived!
JACKIE
And it's still there now.
MIA
No, no! It moved! It moves! The moon moves, right?
KOZLOWSKI
It certainly does.
MIA
When we arrived, it was where it is now, then a bit later it went over that way, but now it's back over there again!
JACKIE
Are you sure haven’t just turned around? Maybe you sat down on the opposite side of the campfire when we came back from the cave.
MIA
This makes absolutely no sense.
(MIA GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE FIRE)
JACKIE
Where are you going?
MIA
I have to look at the stars. I can't see them, the campfire is too bright.
JACKIE
You're going to check if the stars have gone haywire too?
MIA
Yup.
JACKIE
I assure you, it's just a matter of perspective.
MIA
No, it's a question of time. At any given point the stars and moon are supposed to be in a certain place!
JACKIE
And you know where they're meant to be?
MIA
Sort of. And it's... not where they are now.
(JACKIE GETS UP AND WALKS TO MIA)
JACKIE
The stars are in the wrong place?
MIA
I'm pretty sure.
JACKIE
And how do you explain that?
MIA
I don't know. Maybe we're in a planetarium?
JACKIE
We just went for a car ride, fetched firewood in the forest and waded out to a cave in the ocean - I doubt we're inside.
MIA
Mayve I'm dreaming. Or hallucinating.
(KOZLOWSKI COMES WALKING OVER TO THEM)
KOZLOWSKI
Lack of sleep can cause hallucinations.
MIA
Look! Do you see it too? Pisces. Mars. It's like they haven't moved since we arrived. Or they've moved back.
KOZLOWSKI
And what do you make of that, Mia Fox?
MIA
That... time is out of whack?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) We should stop thinking of time as a rigid thing that only goes in one direction. It is less of a river and more of a landscaped car park with a Minoan temple and a petting zoo.
JACKIE
Sorry?
MIA
Still can't see all the stars. Let's move a bit further down.
JACKIE
(STRETCHING)
Ahhh... It's good to stretch our legs I suppose.
(THEY WALK OFF. WE MOVE TO COLE AND HAINES WHO HAVE BEEN HIDING NOT FAR OFF, LYING IN THE UNDERGROWTH)
HAINES
They're quite far off. I think we can risk getting up.
COLE
Oh yes please.
(THEY BOTH GET UP AND STRETCH)
COLE & HAINES
Arghhhh!
HAINES
Laying down for so long is killing me...
COLE
Was that… "Time is out of whack"... I'll tell you what is "out of whack", Mia, you are!
HAINES
Yeah. They're losing it.
COLE
It's late. The stars have made gone full circle!
HAINES
Don’t they take 24 hours for them to go full circle?
COLE
We should have had Copernicus here.
HAINES
What time is it actually?
(COLE GETS OUT HIS PHONE)
COLE
It's... 2:44am on Sunday the 6th of March.
Beat.
HAINES
That can't be right.
COLE
What?
HAINES
No, let me check on my phone.
(HAINES GETS OUT HIS PHONE)
No, it's 4:52am on Tuesday the 4th of November.
COLE
(SNORTS) November?!
HAINES
Yes.
COLE
It's not November!
HAINES
It is.
COLE
It's March!
HAINES
It's absolutely not March!
COLE
Check the other phone!
HAINES
Which phone?
COLE
The secretary's phone! Alvina's phone!
HAINES
But it's dead?
COLE
It might turn on for a second! That’s all you need!
(HAINES GETS OUT ALVINA'S PHONE AND TURNS IT ON)
HAINES
Okay... Okay, come on... Turn on... No, it's dead.
COLE
Tsk, ah.
HAINES
Wait! Wait, it's turned on! Apparently, it's... 03:59am on Friday the 11th of December. And it's dead again.
COLE
December?
HAINES
Yeah.
COLE
Huh. I haven't bought any Christmas presents.
BEAT.
HAINES
There must be something about this place. Like... magnetic interference? Metal in the ground? Something that makes phones go bananas.
COLE
Absolu- That must be it.
Beat.
Listen, it must be March.
HAINES
Why?
COLE
Because when we went for drinks with Mia and Jackie, just before we set off on this road trip, that was February, wasn't it? There were Valentines hearts everywhere!
HAINES
No, it wasn't. There were left over Halloween decorations all over the pub.
COLE
Uhm... How long was it we kept Kozlowski in the holding cell?
HAINES
Long enough for the paperwork to go through.
COLE
Yes, so... days?
HAINES
Weeks?
COLE
It wasn't months?
HAINES
I don't... think so? It all seems so long ago.
COLE
Have you ever forgotten left and right?
HAINES
Sorry?
COLE
Like, suddenly one day you look down at your hands and you just don't know. I mean, you used to know, it used to be really obvious, but for some reason it's just stopped making sense.
HAINES
No. No, I've never had that.
BEAT.
But I have had that experience where you wake up in the middle of the night and you don’t know where you are. You know. And I don’t mean the first night in a new place, like a hotel. I mean when you wake up in your own bed, but you have no concept of space or place and you just feel lost in the world. I even had that when I was awake once. I was a student, I hadn’t eaten properly for weeks, lived off banned beans and crisps. I was probably malnourished. And then one day I was sitting in the canteen at the academy, and I suddenly didn’t know what was outside the walls. We could have been in space for all I knew. My dad came to visit later that day and took me out for dinner. I had a massive steak and felt better.
COLE
Hm. Were you on drugs?
HAINES
(INTERRUPTS) I wasn’t on drugs.
COLE
Alright.
(SIGHS)
I blame the surgeon.
HAINES
Me too. Bloody surgeon.
END.