THE AMELIA PROJECT - ROCCO
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Alicia Hall who will cop it in a fatal Pringles accident. Once you pop you… pop. Alicia will reappear as a world champion bubble blower. Thanks for being a patron Alicia, and thanks to all our supporters. Enjoy the show!
PROLOGUE
WE OPEN IN A WORKSHOP, WE HEAR ARTHUR GRUNTING AS HE HAMMERS OUT A METAL BUTTON.
INTERVIEWER
Stupid… (HAMMERS) shoe (HAMMERS). We should make boots (HAMMERS) I said (HAMMERS) It will be a comfortable life, I said (HAMMERS)
KOZLOWSKI
(WALKING IN CLEARLY A BIT FED UP) It is the middle of the night Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
(PANTING FROM THE HAMMERING)
Nope, it’s already morning. Apologies, we got a last minute order.
KOZLOWSKI
What do they have you making now?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Giulio asked for a pair of boots after learning Giovanni received a new pair.
KOZLOWSKI
But what is it with all the hammering of metal?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Well, Giovanni was so pleased when you made him buttons out of bone last week, he told the whole of Florence about them! Can you hand me the thread Kamak? It’s on the table.
KOZLOWSKI
Do not get snippy with me now Arthur, this is exactly the kind of thing I said would happen after you got us stuck back in with this mess of a family. Here you go!
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. Still, I genuinely don’t see how I was supposed to know Niccolo would get us all wrapped up in some kind of power grab with his bosses! (SIGHS) Plus, when I suggested the cobbler’s shop, I thought this would be a quiet, humble front for us to do business, not some exclusive aristocratic boutique.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, do not pretend you do not love it.
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS AFFECTIONATELY) Oh well yes alright, I suppose I do enjoy the more sculptural aspects of it and the fancier the wearer the more fun the shoe these days. I mean really! (CHUCKKLES)
KOZLOWSKI
That is the spirit! Oh! And maybe you can bring back Schnabelshoes!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, ah, never again Kamak, never again!
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
So what does Giulio have you making?
INTERVIEWER
Well to prove he’s even more passionate about hunting than his older cousin, Giulio has decided to have me hammer out his dagger into buttons.
KOZLOWSKI
(FEIGNING POLITENESS) How very… masculine.
INTERVIEWER
(SNORTS) As I always say, I’ll help you compensate for anything as long as I’m being compensated in return.
KOZLOWSKI
I have never heard you say that.
(LITTLE DISAPPOINTED INTERVIEWER SOUND)
Anyway, I better start getting ready.
INTERVIEWER
Now where are you going? Somewhere fun I hope? Oh, let me live vicariously through you.
KOZLOWSKI
(PAINED EXHALE) Another pre-dawn, pre-breakfast meeting. A group of people who spend all day talking about shoes… who would have thought they would be so chatty?
INTERVIEWER
Who’d have thought there’d be so much to talk about…
(KOZLWOSKI GROANS)
But, you know, thank you for your sacrifice. Oh, will you bring me back some fruit if there’s any? Melon season is ending and I’m desperate for a bit more before it’s done.
KOZLOWSKI
Verrazano is always trying to get people to eat his wife’s grapes…
INTERVIEWER
Haha, yes, if he only knew how many people have been sampling his wife's …grapes.
KOZLOWSKI
I will try and bring you a whole fruit plate.
INTERVIEWER
Splendid! You are talking about fruit, yes? Splendid. Don’t have too much fun now.
KOZLOWSKI
Thanks Arthur, enjoy your button hammering.
INTERVIEWER
Yeeess…
(DOOR SHUTS WITH THE SOUND OF A BELL)
(SIGHS) Back to it.
(HUMMING AND HAMMERING AWAY FOR A FEW MOMENTS. HE HITS HIS FINGER)
Button, button, button, for fruit I am a glutton, I prefer lamb chops to mutton, (A BIT MORE DOUR) this job’s turning me into a shut-in. (TRIES TO LAUGH) rhymes as mediocre as my metal-working. What say you, Mr. Shoe?
(DOOR OPENS AND BELL RINGS)
That was a quick one! Did you forget to put on your shoes? Yes, I’m finding with shoes in my hands all the time I can forget to put them on my fee… oh! Hello sir, welcome to Firebird Footwear, the best cobblers in northern Florence.
(THEME MUSIC SLOWLY FADES IN)
ROCCO
Buonasera.
INTERVIEWER
Buonasera and may I say that’s a lovely hood. Very foreboding.
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Adam Raymonda.
Episode 77, Rocco (1504). Episode by Jack Marone.
INTERVIEW.
ROCCO
This is a lovely shop.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you!
ROCCO
Do you mind if I look around?
INTERVIEWER
Certainly, but there isn’t much to look at. All of our wares are made to order so you’ll mostly be browsing sawdust and leather scraps.
ROCCO
I’m happy to just have a quiet place to stand around for a moment.
INTERVIEWER
…Right!
(A FEW BEATS OF SILENCE, FEET SLOWLY WALKING THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Are you the pope?
ROCCO
Miscuse?
INTERVIEWER
The Pope. We’ve had a whole host of Medicis around here lately. I was just taking a guess that you might be one of them. Hm?
ROCCO
No, no, I’m no Medici. Just a regular man trying to have a quiet moment.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, a regular man, I see. Well, I have to admit I am devilishly curious about what regular man is under that hood. Are you an escaped criminal, ey? It’s horrid what they’ll do to somebody just for stealing a loaf of bread around here. No wonder you cover your face.
ROCCO
I promise I’m nobody so interesting.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, now you see, I know that that’s a phrase you’ll only ever hear from a truly interesting person, hm?
ROCCO
May I ask you a question?
INTERVIEWER
Certainly! I’m always happy to answer queries from strange mysterious spectres like yourself. Haha! Ask away!
ROCCO
Will you…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ROCCO (CON’T)
make me
INTERVIEWER
Yeah?
ROCCO (CON’T)
(SHAKY) a shoe for my bird?
INTERVIEWER
(ABSOLUTELY CONFUSED) I’m sorry, for your bird?
ROCCO
(NERVOUSLY, BUT THEN MORE INSISTENT) Will you make me a shoe for my bird?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I thought that’s what you said. Uhm. Well, uhm, you see, the thing is, I I’m not even sure I have the right tools to be honest…
ROCCO
Did I say it wrong?
INTERVIEWER
Well how about you tell me what kind of bird it is and then-
ROCCO
(INCREASINGLY OUT OF HIS DEPTH) A shoe!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, for a bird. Big bird? Small bird?
(BACK AND FORTH)
ROCCO
Ah, I said it so wrong, I-
INTERVIEWER
No, it just means that-
ROCCO
…a shoe…
INTERVIEWER
A shoe for a bird, yes, uhm, right, what kind of bird is it?
ROCCO
Oh, oh no, I got it completely wrong.
INTERVIEWER
A- A pigeon?
ROCCO
I don’t know what to say-
INTERVIEWER
An eagle? Are there talons?
(ROCCO IS STUTTERING TRYING TO REMEMBER)
That would require very strong leather you see…
(PANICED BREATHING)
Are you alright?
ROCCO
(WHISPERS)You know, a shoe. The password.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) Oh-
ROCCO (CON’T)
I thought I had to come ask about bird shoes and then you’d help me… rise again like a… Phoenix.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) Yes, I got it now! (LAUGHS) I told Kamak having a password was an over-complication but I’m so delighted it led me to this well needed laugh. A shoe for a bird!
ROCCO
So I got it wrong?
INTERVIEWER
What you were supposed inquire about shoes with red feathers.
(MORE LAUGH)
ROCCO
Oh… that does sound familiar.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes, never mind. We’re here now and I have an excuse to ignore these
(STREWS BUTTONS)
pesky buttons for a short while.
ROCCO
Glad I could provide a distraction.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it’s much more than that. Come, sit, please feel free to throw the scraps on that chair to the ground.
(ROCCO WALKS A FEW PACES AND EXHALES AS HE TAKES A SEAT)
ROCCO
Grazie.
INTERVIEWER
No, thank you. Now… why don’t you tell me your story.
ROCCO
My story… well… I think most of that is written on my face.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I knew it! I was hoping for a dramatic reveal.
ROCCO
Take as much time as you need to process. Are you ready?
INTERVIEWER
To process? Your face? Oh, you’re not Medusa, are you? I work very hard to maintain healthy skin and I would just hate for it to turn all stony.
ROCCO
Okay, pulling down the hood, are you ready?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I’m ready to face… well… your face.
ROCCO
Alright then,
(SIGHS)
here we go.
(ROCCO PULLS BACK THE HOOD)
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on now you’re just an avera… I mean- you just- you’re just…
(REALIZING WHO IT IS. ROCCO NUH-UHS.)
you’re… just-
ROCCO
(HE’S BEEN THROUGH THIS A MILLION TIMES)
No… No!
INTERVIEWER
You’re him! Right here! In the flesh.
ROCCO
No, I’m not…
INTERVIEWER
Right here in the flesh!
(ROCCO PROTESTS AND THE INTERVIEWER IGNORES HIM)
Good Lord! David, the king of Israel, in my humble workshop. Here I was worried that your face would turn me to stone and here you are stone become man. Oh good lord!
ROCCO
I’m sorry to disappoint you but I am not a biblical figure.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you are! I walk by the crowds marvelling at you on a daily basis. I’d know those gentle eyes and that literally chiselled jawline anywhere. Admittedly, I’d always imagined your eyes hazel, but the blues really pack a punch I have to say, David.
ROCCO
(PLEADING CALMLY)
Please. My name is Rocco.
INTERVIEWER
Now-
ROCCO
This is exactly why I need your help.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, why why - Because I called you David?
ROCCO
Because of that… statue.
INTERVIEWER
So you are David.
ROCCO
I. AM. ROCCO.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. My apologies! I know that. What I mean to say is, the statue, David, is… you?
ROCCO
No! I am me.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, I know that, I see that, what I mean to say, well… you seem to be implying… some association with Michaelangelo’s statue outside of the Palazzo della Signoria?
ROCCO
(CALMING HIMSELF) Yes, yes, I’m sorry for losing my temper.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, that’s alright
ROCCO (CON’T)
This is all so overwhelming. I… am the model… for that life ruining hunk of stone.
INTERVIEWER
The model, yes, that- that is what I should have asked. Ahem. Well then I have to say you are a liar.
ROCCO
How? I swear my name is Rocco and I am a model. Well I used to be a blacksmith until recently, but now I am a model and I think it should be clear from your reaction that the statue was based on me.
INTERVIEWER
Crystal clear. But I’m calling you a liar because you told me you weren’t, and I quote “anybody so interesting”.
ROCCO
I’m not! I’m nobody… or I should be nobody.
INTERVIEWER
You may not see yourself as interesting but it’s hard to deny you are in a truly fascinating position. From a humble blacksmith to the most famous face in Florence. It’s a shame you aren’t a carpenter.
ROCCO
Why is that?
INTERVIEWER
Feels a bit more apt biblically. Never mind that, you’re certainly right there’s a story on your face but I’d love to hear how your face became that story.
ROCCO
Oh, where to begin?
INTERVIEWER
Why not the beginning? What was your life like before the statue?
ROCCO
It was wonderful… I never appreciated how wonderful it was. I lived just outside of the Piazza de Duomo with my Mama and Papa. Even as a man everyone in the neighborhood called me Baby Rocco.
INTERVIEWER
Baby Rocco? Ahm, why?
ROCCO
My mother said it’s because I’m beautiful, like a baby.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ROCCO (CON’T)
My papa told me it’s because I’m not very bright.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ROCCO
Both are true so I don’t really care.
INTERVIEWER
Why was life so wonderful for Baby Rocco?
ROCCO
I don’t know it just… was. I could get out of bed and go down to papa’s shop. Move stuff around for him and bang on the anvil a few times and head out.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, wait, so you were not really doing any of the blacksmithing then?
ROCCO
Well not really, no. I’m the son of a blacksmith and papa used to say having his handsome boy around the shop was good for business, so we’d pretend I was one too. But no, I don’t really know how to do anything there and I really don’t like the hot fire.
INTERVIEWER
Interesting…
ROCCO
(A BIT WISTFUL) Still it made Papa happy for me to come around.
INTERVIEWER
Well. That’s nice.
ROCCO
Hm. It was. After that I would go back to the house and help Mama with whatever tasks needed doing. I’d usually go to the community oven and grab a loaf of bread for dinner. I loved that the most, since the Nonas, the old ladies there, there would give me a fresh roll for nothing but a smile from Baby Rocco.
INTERVIEWER
That sounds like quite a tranquil existence.
ROCCO
We weren’t rich and I couldn’t afford to do anything but help my parents and sit in the Piazza. Most days after I was done helping Mama, I’d just sit by the fountain watching people go by. Nothing glamorous but it was better. And now life is… too glamorous and even more complicated.
INTERVIEWER
So how does one go from Baby Rocco, son of a blacksmith, to Michelangelo’s muse?
ROCCO
I was a victim of my own vanity and greed.
INTERVIEWER
How so?
ROCCO
I told you how I would spend my days lounging in the Piazza, well… occasionally a painter, or sometimes on rare occasions a sculptor, would see me sitting there and ask to use my likeness.
INTERVIEWER
These people would just show up with their easels and just quietly sit down and paint you?
ROCCO
Exactly, is that not normal?
INTERVIEWER
It’s never happened to me, no, but I have to say sitting with you here I’m also tempted to pull out some pastels and fashion a sketch.
ROCCO
I’d prefer it if you didn’t.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ROCCO
I’m a bit sick of seeing my face reproduced.
INTERVIEWER
Well, pity. Anyways. Please continue.
ROCCO
Right, well one artist came by who seemed a bit more aristocratic than the average artist I’d encountered.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) And this is when Michelangelo discovered you?
ROCCO
What? No of course not, he has nothing to do with these artists.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
ROCCO (CON’T)
Not sure why you’d jump to that conclusion.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry for interrupting! Keep going.
ROCCO
Well, Mama always told me to be cautious with nobles. I got up to leave, but before I had moved two steps, he called over to me and offered me more coin than I’d ever had to my name, just to pose for an hour.
INTERVIEWER
Well that had to be tempting. Hm?
ROCCO
It was. So much so that I sat back down and earned myself a pocket full of florins.
INTERVIEWER
And what did you do with that kind of money?
ROCCO
I ran to Mama and told her everything. I wanted to use some of the money to buy a pig for the house. I do love pigs, but I knew I couldn’t show up with it unannounced.
INTERVIEWER
I assume she wasn’t keen on the idea of having a pig around the house?
ROCCO
We never even got to it. She was so upset about my modelling, saying I was acting as a false idol. Mama is very devout.
INTERVIEWER
So, what did you do?
ROCCO
I ran all the way to the Cattedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore. To give the money to God as penance for my vanity.
INTERVIEWER
I see… so how does Michaelangelo play into this?
ROCCO
I arrived at the Cattedrale and there was a line out the door and down into the main Piazza. Everyone in line was a bona fide hunk. A true muscle man, and all of them nude.
INTERVIEWER
Nude! Wait, you’re saying that there was a line of fully nude men just what?! Spilling out from the Cathedral?
ROCCO
Yes exactly!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my!
ROCCO
I saw a painted sign that said “Auditions” near the back of the line but I ignored it and went in another entrance.
INTERVIEWER
Now this has to be where Michelangelo comes in.
ROCCO
I walkes through the doors on the opposite side of this queue and try to quietly approach the wall where I could give alms. I did peek across the church and saw a table of serious looking men at the very front of the line of hunks. Michelangelo was at the centre of the table, I hadn’t recognized him then of course and thought he just seemed to be a cruel old man. Every few seconds he would shout something at the hunk in the front of the line like “NO! TOO MUSCLY!” or “NO! HORRIBLE FACE” or “NO! DEAD EYES!” and then that man would be handed a burlap robe and he would scamper out of the church.
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t happen to hear him shout “No! Too many tattoos!” I hope?
ROCCO
Huh? Tattoos?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, paintings all over his body.
ROCCO
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, thank god for that… Well, you paint quite a scene.
ROCCO
I tried to donate my alms quickly and get out of there, but as I said I had thirty or so florens to give and needed to fit each one through a small slot. (WITH PAUSES) Clang. Clang. Clang. Clang. Clang.
By the fifth clang of a coin hitting a pile, I heard a shout from the table asking who was being so disruptive.
INTERVIEWER
What happened?
ROCCO
Next thing I knew two armed guards were not so politely dragging me out of the Cattedrale, all my coins clanging to the floor as they grabbed me. I was mortified!
INTERVIEWER
I can imagine! Yes. Nobody likes being made a fool of in public, but there’s a special kind of embarrassment when it’s happening in a cathedral… Believe me…
ROCCO
It was, that is until he yelled out. The cruel old man.
INTERVIEWER
Michelangelo?
ROCCO
Hm. The very one.
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Finally.
ROCCO
Michelangelo shouted to the guards “HALT, bring him to me”. And they dragged me right up to the front table. I felt bad for all of the hunks as they looked at me disappointed and envious.
INTERVIEWER
People do not appreciate a line-cutter.
ROCCO
I know, but there was nothing I could do. I was dragged past all of their scowling faces and chiselled bottoms until I was standing across the table from the great artist and a bunch of sweating clergymen.
INTERVIEWER
What did he say?
ROCCO
He looked at me for what felt like several minutes in silence. I attempted to speak but was shushed so aggressively I nearly fell on my backside. Then, eventually, Michelangelo just said “Si”, Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ROCCO
That’s all he said, immediately there was a chorus of disappointed sighs from the long line of hunks and everyone started shuffling out of the cathedral.
Once everyone was gone Michelangelo explained the statue to me. I told him my mother did not want me to model and he insisted that this was different since it was for God.
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) If I had a coin for every time I’ve heard that one…
ROCCO
Well it convinced me. Plus he said if I donated my payment back to the church I’d basically guarantee my family’s entrance to heaven.
INTERVIEWER
(SHRUGGING, HUMORING HIM) Good deal.
ROCCO
I also thought Mama would have loved our humble family contributing to the church, and the statue was supposed to be placed on top of the cattedrale so it’s not as if anyone else would be able to tell it was me from that distance…
INTERVIEWER
But the statue of David is…
ROCCO
Not on top of the cattedrale. I’m aware.
INTERVIEWER
Right. What did your mother say when you told her?
ROCCO
(SIGHS) I didn’t. I thought it would be a nice surprise for my parents. They’d say, “Baby Rocco finally did something special.”
I snuck off for several months to the cattedrale to “pray” while I really went to Michaelangelo’s studio to stand around in the nude holding a sling.
INTERVIEWER
And your mother didn’t catch on?
ROCCO
No, I think she was too excited by my sudden interest in daily worship.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ROCCO
I kept going back, I got used to the routine after a while, and… and the silence. Michelangelo did not say a word to me until the final day of my sitting for him.
INTERVIEWER
What did he say to you then?
ROCCO
All he said was “I got too excited, I made the statue too big, it won’t fit on top of the cattedrale anymore” and then he shrugged and said “You will live in the piazza from here, David.”
INTERVIEWER
He called you David?
ROCCO
I think he had stopped talking to me and was speaking to the statue? Either way that was the sign my life, my face, was no longer my own. I learned that as soon as the statue appeared in the piazza a few days later.
I was at the community oven and the nonas I’ve known for years looked stricken when they saw me. They kissed my hands and gave me a loaf of bread for having “blessed their oven” with my presence. I thought they were just being a bit silly but as I was leaving one of them shouted “the lord bless you, King David”.
INTERVIEWER
But these women knew who you were, I mean, they spoke with you every day?
ROCCO
They are also devout Catholics, I think they saw me as reborn, or at least my connection to David as more important than my connection to Baby Rocco.
INTERVIEWER
You don't have a connection to Baby Rocco, you are Baby Rocco!
ROCCO
I can’t blame them. I ran to the piazza and pushed through the massive crowd to see the final version of the statue in its resting place. I realized what a likeness it was and then a moment later realized I was the only one looking at the statue.
INTERVIEWER
What? The only one? Why weren't people looking at it?
ROCCO
Because they were looking at me!
INTERVIEWER
(UNDERSANDING) Oh…
ROCCO
Cries of “Davide! Davide!" and "King of Israel!” were coming from everywhere. People reached out to touch me and begged me to bless them.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Lord, I mean… What did you do?
ROCCO
I ran! I sprinted through the piazza with hundreds of people calling after me, chasing me. I ran all the way home and shut the door.
I crawled to the window and peeked outside to see the crowds standing outside my home.
I sat there in shock for a long while until I heard mama say “what did you do, did you steal a loaf of bread?”
I desperately tried to explain and watched as my mother’s face twisted from disgust to shock and then… to awe.
INTERVIEWER
She didn’t…
ROCCO
(SOMBERLY) The first word out of her mouth as she reached her hand to my cheek: “Davide.”
INTERVIEWER
(SHOOK) No!
ROCCO
I said no, no mama please it’s me Baby Rocco, but her devout ways would not let that be so. I could see the pride in her eyes, there was no going back from this.
INTERVIEWER
Even your own mother… reduced to… a worshiper?
ROCCO
Not just my mother, everyone in my life. My father was so excited he renamed the shop, Jesse’s Armory, and began selling exclusively old testament weaponry.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, is his name Jesse?
ROCCO
No but David’s father was.
INTERVIEWER
(QUICKLY) I see…
ROCCO
When word had spread that King David’s father sold biblical swords? There’s been a line out of the door for weeks! Papa rarely leaves his shop anymore with the demand. He says it’s his sacred duty to arm the followers of the king.
INTERVIEWER
And… what have you been doing?
ROCCO
Staying at home mostly. I can’t slip outside given the crowds. I usually go to the window once a day to wave to them, it makes my skin crawl, but it delights Mama… Occasionally I manage to slip out. I learned to sew with all my time indoors, I made this cloak myself.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Oh, it’s lovely, some truly excellent stitching.
ROCCO
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Well, now I’d say I’m about ninety percent clear.
ROCCO
On what?
INTERVIEWER
On why you’re here.
ROCCO
Is it not obvious?
(DESPAIRING) My life is a prison of fame!
INTERVIEWER
(THOUGHTFUL) Yes, that it is… but you’ve mentioned how important your parents are to you, and how you want to see them happy.
ROCCO
I love my parents dearly and there is nothing I want more than to bring them happiness.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sensing a but…
ROCCO
But-
INTERVIEWER
There it is…
ROCCO (CON’T)
They aren’t my parents anymore,(A BIT BITTERLY) they are subjects to a long dead king.
INTERVIEWER
Well if that’s truly how you feel… Why not just simply, leave? Get twenty kilometres from here and you won’t be recognized at all.
ROCCO
I can’t.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, poppycock, why not?
ROCCO
(SIGHS) Michaelangelo.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, how can he stop you?
ROCCO
I went to him a few days after the statue was in the Piazza and begged him to alter it in some way to protect my likeness.
INTERVIEWER
I assume that had about as much chance as a rodent petting zoo during the Bubonic Plague.
ROCCO
Hmhm. It was a long shot but I had to ask. He laughed in my face and pulled out the contract I signed.
INTERVIEWER
You mean to say you had you not read it?
ROCCO
I’m a blacksmith’s son, of course I can’t read.
INTERVIEWER
Oh forgive me, yes that does make sense.
ROCCO
He read the contract out to me and it stated that not only did I give up my whole likeness to the Catholic Church, I was also on the hook for a series of sequels and collectible minis!
INTERVIEWER
Pardon?
ROCCO
He plans to sculpt a limited run of miniature versions of David doing a variety of different poses and actions. People can have them in their houses, by their bedside table, or whatever they want really. Frankly it’s a great business idea and all his patrons are very excited.
INTERVIEWER
So you’re trapped in the city until that work is completed?
ROCCO
I could sooner walk into the Cattedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore, put on the Archbishop's vestments and dance around on the Altar like a dressage horse than I could walk out of Florence on my own.
INTERVIEWER
(CONVINCED) Well, that’s a strong point. …and visual. I see your predicament. When does he expect to be finished?
ROCCO
Three years from now!
INTERVIEWER
(SCREECHING) Three years-
ROCCO
Once the minis are done he wants to do a series of David statues for children where the slingshot has a face with engravings on the base implying the slingshot is David’s friend Sling-O.
INTERVIEWER
Oh that’s-
ROCCO (CON’T)
The base will have quotes from Sling-O saying things like “Goliath ain’t seen nothing yet!” or “you ROCK David, let’s break some skulls”.
(DESPAIRING) I’ve only seen some sketches, and all of it is ages from chisel getting to stone. But… although I despise the man with all my soul, I must admit Michaelangelo’s nothing if not a branding genius.
(THE DOOR TO THE SHOP OPENS AND THE SOUNDS OF A LARGE CROWD BLEED IN. ROCCO WHINES)
INTERVIEWER
What in the- what is that racket?
(KOZWLOSKI FIRST CALLS FROM FAR AWAY AND THEN COMES CLOSER)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur? Arthur where are you, Arthur, are you in?
(INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
There you are, I arrived at the guild meeting only to be told it was cancelled because the Reincarnated King David was at our cobbler workshop? How is this… (GASPS IN ABSOLUTE AMAZEMENT) And there he is. Hello, your holiness I am Kamak.
INTERVIEWER
(MATTER OF FACT) Kamak, this is Rocco, and he needs our help. I take it there is a large crowd gathered outside?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, there have to be about three hundred Italian-Catholics huddled in prayer on the other side of this door.
ROCCO
(SHOCKED) I’m a fool for coming here! I should have stayed at home, knitting with Mama.
INTERVIEWER
What happens if you walk into the crowd?
ROCCO
To start with they let me pass, whispering prayers or- or reaching out to touch my garments.
INTERVIEWER
Admittedly this sounds like a fairly pleasant walk.
ROCCO
But the crowds have been getting aggressive! Last time I was caught out on a stroll a man bit me in the hope my blood would make him, in his words “strong as goliath.”
INTERVIEWER
Now how does that make sense? I mean, why would biting David make you strong as Goliath?
ROCCO
It's catching on though. My blood, my hair, my skin - they'll tear me apart first chance they get just to own a piece of the holy king! They've gone mad!
INTERVIEWER
Sounds like we’ve got a true bunch of wild cards on our hands.
ROCCO
I should have known better than to think I could just disappear. I’m going to go out there and let them tear me limb from limb.
(GETS UP TO LEAVE)
Sorry to have wasted your time.
INTERVIEWER
Now, now, sit down. (SITS ROCCO DOWN ACTIVELY) I believe we can help you.
ROCCO
Help me? But how, there’s a holy mob outside your door waiting to pounce on their so-called king!
INTERVIEWER
(IN HIS ELEMENT) Rocco, Leave the dramatics to me. We have a plan.
ROCCO
You do?
KOZLOWSKI
We do?
INTERVIEWER
We do. Well that depends, of course. How married are you to that face, Rocco?
ROCCO
Married to my face? I… I mean I only have the one.
INTERVIEWER
What I mean to say, would you be comfortable not being incredibly handsome.
ROCCO
Hm. I don’t know, I've never tried it.
INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s worked for me all these years. Here is the plan, Kamak? Swap faces with Rocco here.
ROCCO
Excuse me?
KOZLOWSKI
(AWED) It would be my pleasure to wear such a face.
(ROCCO MAKES THE VOCAL EQUIVALENT OF THE O_O Face)
INTERVIEWER
We’ll give you a new life, right here in Florence. As a cobbler!
ROCCO
A cobbler?
INTERVIEWER
Right here in this workshop, in fact.
ROCCO
You… want me to switch faces with him… to run your shoe making business?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! I mean, people already know Kamak's face, so this place can go on like nothing happened. And, to be honest, I’m sick of these damned Medicis, so I think this is a win-win for everyone. I’m assuming you’re aware we are not a charity?
ROCCO
Yes! I’d brought what’s left of my commission from the church.
(CLINKING OF A MONEY-SACK)
I’d hoped it would be enough to cover…
INTERVIEWER
That will do nicely. And, just out of curiosity, what plan would you have had to survive when we collected payment?
ROCCO
Ah. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Well then this cobbeler’s shop will be a perfect landing pad, I’ll take those
(SOUND OF THE MONEY PURSE BEING GRABBED)
thank you very much. Oh, and hand me your cloak.
(TAKING THE CLOAK OVER ROCCO’S CONFUSED PROTESTS)
ROCCO
Be careful!
INTERVIEWER
(CALLING TO THE BASEMENT) Guido! Santino! Can you come upstairs please?
ROCCO
Gui- Who in the-? What?
GUIDO
Signior?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Guido, do you and Santino still have your two person costume from last month's festival?
GUIDO
Sí.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! Have Santino hop on your shoulders, put it back on and meet me at Piazza della Signoria. I’ll be wearing this charming hood. When I give you a signal you’re going to pick me up and run into the alley at the north east of the Piazza.
GUIDO
Ciao!
INTERVIEWER
Perfect, everything is in motion.
ROCCO
What’s happening?
INTERVIEWER
David is going to fight Goliath! But this time there will be a bit less divine intervention...
ROCCO
Uh… Huh?!
INTERVIEWER
I’m quite looking forward to putting on a show! I must say, I’ve spent far too long with shoes as my primary audience. Kamak, when you’re finished will you send that corpse in the basement over to the alley?
ROCCO
Corpse?!
INTERVIEWER
I’m planning to keep the bible battle going on for a short time, but we’ll need a decoy with its face smashed by a giant.
ROCCO
Oh-
KOZLOWSKI
I will be there within the hour. One of the real benefits of working with all this leather is we have some great tools for skin assembly. Rocco if you come with me, I have a bed in the back where we can get to work … on our little swap.
ROCCO
I don’t know about this…
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well it’s up to you. New face and own a cobbler shop or an old face and get bitten by delusional Catholic mobs for the rest of your days.
ROCCO
Where is this bed?
KOZLOWSKI
Right this way.
INTERVIEWER
Good choice.
Right, let’s see.
(DONNING HIS CLOAK)
Rocco, it was a pleasure meeting you. Best of luck with your new shoe contracts. I’m certain your sewing skills will serve you well.
ROCCO
Are you leaving now?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. My fans have been waiting long enough! The show must go on.
KOZLOWSKI
Try not to overdo it Arthur, we need a clean break from this place.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you insult me! I will only use as much showmanship as is absolutely necessary. As always! I am very restrained!
Right. Here we go!
(WAITS A BEAT BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR AND SHUTTING IT. THE CROWD GOES CRAZY AS THEY SEE HIM. WE HEAR HIM YELLING TO THE CROWD FROM BEHIND THE DOOR)
PEOPLE OF FLORENCE! LISTEN TO YOUR KING! THERE IS A GOLIATH IN OUR MIDST!
PEOPLE OF FLORENCE
(AUDIBLE GASP)
INTERVIEWER
March onward with me and my trusty friend sling-o to watch me defeat him once more!
PEOPLE OF FLORENCE
(LOUD CHEERS)
BACK IN THE WORKSHOP:
ROCCO
Seems like he’s overdoing it a bit.
KOZLOWSKI
(AFFECTIONATE SIGH)
He always does. Now, come this way so I can cut off your face.
(ROCCO WHIMPERS)
MUSIC AND CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Nathan Peter Grassi as Rocco, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Fernando Tiberini as Guido and Torgny G Anderaa, Benjamin Noble, Thomas Crawley, Patrick Lamb, Tom Middler, Peter Steele and Owen Lindsay as the People of Florence.
The episode was written by Jack Marone with story editing and direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda, Baldur’s root chant by Hemi Yeroham, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you to all of you who are supporting the show and allowing us to make more episodes, and a shoutout to our glittering super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Jason Woods, Timotheus, Kayleigh Wilson, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy.
More info on the team, how to support us, access our bonus series, listen early and ad-free, and more, at ameliapodcast.com
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI AROUND THE CAMPFIRE IN SCOTLAND.
JACKIE
Okay, so we've dug up the roots, brushed, washed and peeled them, what next?
MIA
Yeah, can we finally make the tea?
KOZLOWSKI
There is another step.
MIA
(SIGHS) What's that?
KOZLOWSKI
Song.
MIA
What... eh...?
KOZLOWSKI
We must sing to it.
JACKIE
You want us to sing to a root?
KOZLOWSKI
It is part of the ritual, yes.
JACKIE
Oh for-
KOZLOWSKI
But it will only work if undertaken with the utmost sincerity.
MIA
Jackie, Jackie, we're not doing this are we?
KOZLOWSKI
You don't want the tea?
JACKIE
Yes! Yes! We want the tea!
KOZLOWSKI
Then close your eyes, hold your roots to your chests, and join me.
(HE STARTS A SOMBRE HUM)
MIA
No, no! There's only so much woo-woo I can take and I've reached my limit! I am not singing to a –
(KOZLOWSKI HUMS WITH INCREASING INTENSITY)
MIA
This is stupid. Even for you this is - You're messing with us right? You don't really think we're going to –
(JACKIE JOINS IN WITH THE HUMMING)
Jackie!
(KOZLOWSKI & JACKIE Hum)
I... I...
(KOZLOWSKI & JACKIE HUM. MIA SIGHS. JOINS IN)
(CUT TO COLE AND HAINES IN THE UNDERGROWTH. THEY'RE IN STITCHES. THEY TRY TO SHUSH EACH OTHER TO NO AVAIL. WE HEAR MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI HUMMING IN THE BACKGROUND)
HAINES
(LAUGHS)
COLE
(LAUGHS)
HAINES
Two grown women... (LAUGHS) Officers of the CIA... (LAUGHS)... Singing to a root! (LAUGHS)
COLE
Embarrassing! (LAUGHS)
HAINEs
So embarrassing! We should film this and send it to Miss Kennedy!
COLE
We should! We really should! I mean, have you ever seen anything so utterly patheti - OH!
HAINEs
What?
COLE
Ouch ouch. I think I've just been bitten by something.
HAINEs
Oh goddamn. You think it was a snake?
COLE
What? No! I was thinking a mosquito or a spider or something - aihh! There's something crawling up my leg!
HAINEs
Oh my God it IS a snake!
COLE
No, no, it's not a snake, it's - ichhhhh! - ants!
HAINEs
Ants?
COLE
Oh God they're all over... Ouch!
HAINEs
Ants?
COLE
Stop biting! Oh, it fucking burns!
HAINEs
Burns? Oh, it's pissants then.
COLE
Piss-ants?!
HAINEs
Yeah, yeah, they piss in your wound.
COLE
They do what?!
HAINEs
You never come across pissants?
COLE
I have now! Ah!
HAINEs
(Mimicking)
"Oh little baby-root, you're so cute!
COLE
Not there not there not there not OUCH!
HAINEs
Cole. Be quiet mate.
COLE
I'm dying here! They're eating me! Including my - you know. And then I'm being pissed on! By Satans own - ! Ahhhhh - !
HAINES
Shhh!
I think they're done singing.
KOZLOWSKI
Well done! Real sincerity. We are now ready for the next step.
HAINES
Shhh! Listen!
JACKIE
And what's the next step?
KOZLOWSKI
We let the root sleep for a bit. In the meantime, I can tell you another story.
MIA
Sleep?
KOZLOWSKI
We just sang a lullaby, did we not?
MIA
That was a lullaby?
HAINES
(CHUCKLES)
They're so pathetic! How can they ever look themselves in the mirror after this?
COLE
Yeah! So pathetic! So utterly - OUCH!
HAINES
I told you to be - OUCH! Oh, wow! That - ! Cole?
COLE
(WITH A SENSE OF SATISFACTION)
Yes, Haines...?
HAINES
Those ant bites fucking sting - OUCH! FUCK!
COLE
(LAUGHS. THEN;) Ouch!
(PAINED SOUNDS)
COLE
Keep your voice down!!
HAINES
I am keeping my voice down, you’re not keeping your voice down!
END.