EPISODE 8 - LUKE DOUGAL
PROLOGUE
(THE ANSWERPHONE CLICKS ON. BEEP)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
If you continue there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
LUKE
(WITH PASSION) He opened the bottomless pit, and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace, and the sun and air were darkened by the smoke. The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
(BEEP)
(THE AMELIA THEME STARTS, BUT IT’S A HEAVY-METAL VERSION, INCLUDING E-GUITAR, DRUMS, ETC.)
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager. With music and sound design by Fredrik Baden.
THE INTERVIEW
(THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO AN IMPATIENT TAPPING OF FINGERS ON A DESK)
INTERVIEWER
(CALLING OUTSIDE) What’s taking so long…?
(THE SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS, LAUGHING, AND TWO HEAVILY ACCENTED VOICES. FIRST VERY FAINT, THEN, AS THEY GET NEARER, LOUDER)
JOEY
When that chick stomps on the baby in her Doc Martens! I’ve never laughed so much! Ha ha ha!
SALVATORE
I love it when she makes that dude eat her vomit.
JOEY
Yeah yeah! Then he pushes her face into a table saw! Ha ha ha!
Salvatore
And she gets straight back up!
JOEY
I know I know! I was like whaaaaaaaaat?
Salvatore
How did you do the eye stapling bit?
JOEY
(LAUGHING)
(THE DOOR OPENS AND THEY IMMEDIATELY CLEAR THEIR THROATS AND GET SERIOUS AS THEY SEE THE INTERVIEWER)
SALVATORE
Signore Dougal here to see you.
INTERVIEWER
So I see.
JOEY:
(STUTTERING) Can… can I… can I just… can I just…
SALVATORE:
I think Joey would like an autograph.
JOEY
(QUIETLY) Yeah!
LUKE
Certainly.
(SOUND OF SCRIBBLING. FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSING)
INTERVIEWER:
Um… should I know you?
LUKE:
Let me give you a clue.
(PAUSES AS HE WALKS CLOSER, WE HEAR HIS STEPS)
Hell.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Satan?
LUKE:
No! Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with you?
INTERVIEWER
(STUTTERS, DISAPPOINTED) B-But - I thought you just said…?
LUKE
Hell! You know. The theme park.
INTERVIEWER:
Sorry, I don’t have kids.
LUKE
You’re joking.
INTERVIEWER:
It’s not that unusual…
LUKE
I mean, Hell!
INTERVIEWER:
What about it?
LUKE
It’s not for kids!
INTERVIEWER:
It’s not?
LUKE
Uh, it’s only, like, the most dangerous theme park in history.
INTERVIEWER
I thought theme parks were for kids. Bumper cars, candy floss, ice cream.
LUKE
We have ice cream.
INTERVIEWER:
I like ice cream.
LUKE
We do novelty flavors.
INTERVIEWER
My favorite is strawberry.
LUKE
Strawberry’s not a novelty flavor. We don’t do strawberry.
INTERVIEWER
Well I think you should.
LUKE
We do prawn cocktail, pickled onion, and mushy pea.
INTERVIEWER
That sounds horrible.
LUKE
It is.
INTERVIEWER:
Don’t people throw up?
LUKE
Yes they do. And we provide the bags.
INTERVIEWER
Ew. Are you sure you’re not Satan?
LUKE
My name is Luke Dougal.
INTERVIEWER
And you created Hell?
LUKE
I did.
INTERVIEWER:
Well. You must show me around one day.
LUKE
(BITTER LAUGH) These days I’m not allowed within a mile of the place.
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
(PAUSE)
What happened?
LUKE
(UPSET) I was betrayed!
INTERVIEWER
By who?
LUKE
Cody North.
INTERVIEWER
Who’s Cody?
LUKE
He was my producer on Nuns with Guns. He’s good with numbers and shit. Keeps the financiers off my back. Clears the rights for music. (SPITS IT OUT) Practical stuff.
INTERVIEWER
As opposed to creative.
LUKE
(SCOFFS) Cody couldn’t invent a decent monster if his life depended on it.
INTERVIEWER
But you needed him for the organizational bits?
LUKE
Not as much as he needed me.
INTERVIEWER
Hell was your idea?
LUKE
(SOFTLY) I’ve been thinking about it since I was a boy. Making sketches for it. Designing rides. Naming them. One day I told Cody about it. He loved the idea. Thought it had commercial potential.
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) A dangerous theme park has commercial potential?
LUKE
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And is it genuinely dangerous?
LUKE
Depends what you mean by dangerous. Danger is relative.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
LUKE
Well, it’s not as dangerous as, say, skinny dipping with sharks, but it’s more dangerous than vegging out on your sofa watching Jaws.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. But is it possible to get hurt?
LUKE
Like I said, you wouldn’t want to go for a kids birthday party.
INTERVIEWER
So, you teamed up with Cody?
LUKE
He raised some money and we bought an abandoned funfair in Cumbria. It was really creepy, you know. Graffitied carousels. Empty swan boats. A rusting Ferris Wheel. We left most of that stuff standing and built our attractions around it.
INTERVIEWER
I see. What attractions?
LUKE
My favorite is the Chamber of Executions. It showcases execution methods from around the world and uh... you can try them out.
INTERVIEWER
(CURIOUS) Such as…?
LUKE
The electric chair is very popular. You get strapped in and can choose the level of voltage for your shock.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED/IMPRESSED) Okay…
LUKE
Then there’s the guillotine.
INTERVIEWER
Jesus!
LUKE
You put your head in it, the executioner releases the blade, and it stops two centimetres before your neck.
(PAUSE)
That’s the most extreme scenario. You can choose the distance.
INTERVIEWER:
And people actually come to your Hell?
LUKE:
It’s a fricking sensation!
INTERVIEWER:
I… Why?
LUKE:
Because we live in such a sterilised and plastic-y world of health and safety! Hell’s the opposite of all that. All those people diddling on their phones and playing video games, I find that tragic. Virtual reality is so (SPITS OUT THE WORD) boring!
INTERVIEWER(QUIETLY, IN THE BACKGROUND)
Ah, yes!
LUKE
It turns people into zombies.
INTERVIEWER (QUIETLY, IN THE BACKGROUND)
Hmm...
LUKE
And sadly, not the Romero type. (PASSIONATE) We! We give people the real deal. They come to us to feel something. To feel alive!
INTERVIEWER:
Do you know what makes me feel alive?
(PAUSE)
Cocoa.
LUKE
(CONFUSED) Cocoa?
INTERVIEWER:
Yes. Would you like some?
LUKE
Um…
INTERVIEWER:
It’s from Les Deux Magots.
LUKE
Magots… (HOPEFUL) Maggots?
INTERVIEWER
No, no Maggots. Les Deux Magots is a cafe in Paris. Hemingway, Sartre and Camus went there. You’ll have some?
LUKE:
Sure, yeah. Let’s live a little eh?
(SOUND OF TWO CUPS BEING FILLED)
INTERVIEWER
Tell me, what other pleasures does Hell hold in store?
LUKE
Uhm, well - We have the biggest, baddest Freak Show in the world. Believe me, you’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a dwarf sticking thumb tacks into his face or a hunchback on a trapeze. You can stay overnight at the No-sleep-Hot(h)el. Each room is haunted by a different ghost and they strike randomly. Sometimes they just rearrange your luggage, sometimes they turn the shower ice cold, and sometimes they chase you out of bed with a hatchet.
(THE INTERVIEWER ALMOST CHOKES ON HIS COCOA AND COUGHS, BUT LUKE JUST TALKS AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED)
The nastiest incident was a ghost pulling a guy's hand while he was shaving.(IN AWE) So much blood! The hotel has a hospital wing to deal with injuries all through the night.
(PAUSE)
(GETTING INCREASINGLY MORE PASSIONATE) But the biggest attraction has to be To Hell in a Handcart. Thirty carts speeding across 2,600 metres of track at 160 miles per hour in, over, under, around and through Hell.
INTERVIEWER
Bloody-
LUKE:
(PASSIONATE) Hell is 1500 square metres of bonfires, spikes, industrial saws, flamethrowers and snake pools. It’s probably the most dangerous place in Britain. The carts zoom head on towards the saws, the points changing in the last fraction of a second, plunge in and out of snake pools, and skim around bonfires with flames lapping at their sides. You should try it someday.
INTERVIEWER
I’ll stick to my cocoa thanks. How’s the cocoa working out for you by the way?
LUKE (SIPS AND SMACKS HIS LIPS)
It would benefit from a shot of garlic.
INTERVIEWER
How is Hell even legal?
LUKE
Visitors sign a thing when they buy their tickets to say they understand the risks and the park can’t be held accountable. Cody came up with that. He’s clever that way.
INTERVIEWER
Hm… I think you should tell me more about Cody.
LUKE
(DISAPPOINTED) I… I used thought he looked up to me. (UPSET) Without me he’d have nothing, and he knows it! He should be thanking me! (SADLY) Instead he makes me sign away my rights.
INTERVIEWER
How did he get you to do that?
LUKE
Paperwork’s not my scene. Give me a pen and I’ll sign.
INTERVIEWER
So now Cody’s calling the shots?
LUKE
He’s the owner. Turns out I’m just hired to create rides.
INTERVIEWER
So he makes more money than you.
LUKE
I don’t give a shit about money! It’s my vision I care about.
INTERVIEWER
Your vision?
LUKE
Cody said it would raise our profile to get in other directors to create signature rides. Eli Roth. Sam Raimi. (SPITS THE WORDS OUT) Squeamish mainstream sellouts!
INTERVIEWER
You don’t want your vision diluted.
LUKE
Hell is mine. I designed every last thumbscrew! Cody has no right, and I told him so! I refuse to let anyone tamper with Hell!
INTERVIEWER
How did he respond?
LUKE
He fired me. Me. How can he fire me? I thought he was the one working for me, not the other way round! That’s how it should be! He’s worse than any monster I’ve ever created! (ANGRY) Greedy, backstabbing piece of shit.
INTERVIEWER
I get the sense that you’re a bit angry.
LUKE
You think?!
INTERVIEWER
So you’re not planning to take it lying down?
LUKE:
I’ve made Cody’s life hell. (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
INTERVIEWER:
How’s that?
LUKE:
You can’t keep me out of my own theme park. The day after he fired me I was back in the control tower and I made people scream. I upped the voltage on the electric chair to 2000 volts, made the carts take hairpin bends at 180 miles per hour, brought them dangerously close to the flames, released all the ghosts in the hotel simultaneously and told the freaks to start experimenting on the audience.
INTERVIEWER
(HESITANT) Did anyone… um…?
LUKE
Not yet. But some people lost limbs.
INTERVIEWER
What was the reaction…?
LUKE
People were furious! Demanded their money back. There’s been a real shit-storm in the press and on Twitter. All these celebrities who’d never heard of the park, suddenly coming out and making statements about how evil it all is. There’ve been demonstrations outside Hell for the last three days.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) I don’t understand. I thought people know it’s real and dangerous. No simulations. That’s the appeal.
LUKE
They want to know it’s real and can go wrong, but they don’t actually want it to go wrong. They want the adrenaline rush and a freaky story to tell their mates over a beer, not the funeral costs.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLING) Well well… Cody must be livid.
LUKE
He’s doing twenty interviews a day and tweeting every three minutes to try and control the damage.
INTERVIEWER
(INTERESTED) And can Hell be saved?
LUKE
Tomorrow Cody’s promised to open up Hell for free. Lots of people are curious. There'll be a big turnout. He’s hoping it will be a success and he can turn public opinion around.
INTERVIEWER
Tomorrow...
LUKE
Cody is so scared of me now.
(LAUGHS)
He’s put a restraining order on me. He said if I ever come near the park again he’ll kill me.
INTERVIEWER
This is all quite fascinating, but I don’t really understand how we can help you. People come to us for help with their deaths.
LUKE
Haven’t you been listening?
INTERVIEWER
Huh?
LUKE
I said he’s going to kill me!
INTERVIEWER
Who? Cody? But that was just a figure of speech, I don’t think you have to genuinely worry about that.
LUKE
But I want him to!
INTERVIEWER
You want him to kill you?
LUKE
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Really?
LUKE
Yes!
INTERVIEWER:
Really really?
LUKE:
Yes! No! I mean not really really. I don’t want him to really kill me!
INTERVIEWER
A simulation?
LUKE:
Yes. That’s what you do isn’t it?
INTERVIEWER:
Yes.
(PAUSE)
But we’ve never incited an outsider to commit a seemingly real murder before.
LUKE
I want him to have me on his conscience.
INTERVIEWER
We’re going to have to make the prospect of killing you totally irresistible to him.
LUKE
I’m not exactly on his Christmas card list as it is.
INTERVIEWER
But does he have enough reason to murder you? We’re going to have to create a situation where he has to make a snap decision. We don’t want him overthinking this. Also, he’ll need a very strong motivation.
LUKE
Cody’s motivated by money. That’s it.
INTERVIEWER
Money. Good. His money depends on Hell. We need to put Hell at risk. We’re going to have to get you back in there.
LUKE
But the restraining order… They’ll be on the lookout…
INTERVIEWER
That’s not going to be a problem. When it comes to disguises, we’re the best in the business.
LUKE
So, I go back into Hell… Then what?
INTERVIEWER
You send him a text. “Today all Hell breaks loose!” That’ll put him on alert.
LUKE
He’ll go straight to the control tower.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
LUKE
He’ll find me.
INTERVIEWER
No. You won’t be in the control tower.
LUKE
I won’t? Where will I be?
INTERVIEWER
In a Handcart to Hell. You’re going to have to team up with our engineer. Show her the design. You’ll build an identical cart, but with it’s own motor.
LUKE
Then what?
INTERVIEWER
I’ll give Cody a call. Pretend to be from security. I’ll say someone who looks like Luke Dougal is in a Hell Cart. I assume you have CCTV?
LUKE
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
So, he’ll spot you right away. You’ll be on the tracks. In your own cart. Headed in the wrong direction! On a collision course with the others!
LUKE
I like it! I could design a really mean battering ram to attach to the front of the cart!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) I’m sure you could. At the speed the ride’s going Cody is going to have to act very quickly to avert a disaster. I think it’s pretty clear what he’ll do…
LUKE
Change the points to send me straight into a saw or a snake pit!
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Yes! We’ll activate the ejector seat just before the crunch, then send in our special unit to retrieve you from Hell. They miss the battlefield and are desperate for a challenge. (IN AWE) You’ll be killed by your own ride! Call me sentimental, but I think that’s rather poetic… (HE SIGHS AND CHUCKLES HAPPILY)
LUKE
Yes! It’s great! Let’s get designing right away!
INTERVIEWER
Hang on hang on hang on. Aren’t we forgetting something?
LUKE
Not that I can…
INTERVIEWER
Your return! We’re doing all this so you can come back right? We have different locations and disguises to choose from. Shall I get the catalog?
LUKE
Oh, I don’t want any disguise.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) No disguise? But… where will you go?
LUKE
I’m staying put. In Hell.
INTERVIEWER
But Cody will recognize you!
LUKE
That’s the point. I’m going to haunt the crap out of him!
INTERVIEWER
(AMAZED) A ghost!
LUKE
This is what I was always meant to do. Live in my own theme park as a ghost. Spooking people. Creating mystery and terror. I can’t wait!
INTERVIEWER
Our disguise department could pale you out a little and provide you with some accessories. Although I imagine you’ll want to design them yourself?
LUKE
I do have some ideas…
INTERVIEWER
I’m happy for you to come back as a ghost and haunt Hell. But there’s one condition.
LUKE
Oh?
INTERVIEWER
If you hide, only come out at night, and keep your visitations brief and mysterious, then everything is fine. But what if you get fed up with being a ghost and decide to pop to Tesco’s? The game would be up, the police would investigate, and they might find Amelia. We can’t risk that.
LUKE
I’ll be a very happy ghost. I don’t need the world.
INTERVIEWER
(IN THOUGHT) You know something… I believe you. (BACK TO PRESENT) But I need to be sure. So I’d like you to sign this. By doing so you give up your rights to a normal life. If we ever find you engaged in any activity not in conjunction with your ghostly duties, we will…
LUKE (INTERRUPTS)
Okay!
(SCRIBBLING ON PAPER AS HE SIGNS THE CONTRACT)
INTERVIEWER:
Oh… You don’t want to read first?
LUKE:
Nah.
INTERVIEWER:
Ah, wonderful. Then, one last thing. The matter of payment.
LUKE:
Oh.
INTERVIEWER:
I’m aware you’re only utilizing half of our service. Because of your return as a ghost we don’t have to bother with papers for you, teach you a new language, or reconfigure your face. But taking care of your death will still be costly.
LUKE
I… uh… yes… I um… I see.
INTERVIEWER
I get the impression you’re not very good with money.
LUKE
I have a rare Giallo collection. I could sign that over to you?
INTERVIEWER:
Hmm… Tempting? But I have a better idea. You have an active imagination and no scruples. Those are qualities we admire at Amelia.
LUKE
Huh...
INTERVIEWER
I suggest we take you on as a consultant. Our cases often need complex design work, and as a ghost, during the day, you’ll have plenty of time on your hands.
LUKE
I would like that very much.
INTERVIEWER
Someone from Amelia will be around once a week.
LUKE
You’ll find me in Blood Manor, just to the left of the Dodgems of Death.
INTERVIEWER
Noted. We’ll bring a bag of groceries round. Shopping will be difficult for you.
LUKE
Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
Now, can I tempt you with something as conventional as Champagne?
(CLANKING OF CUPS)
LUKE
Bring it on!
(THE POPPING OF A CORK, THEN THE BUBBLY SOUND OF FLUTES FILLING)
INTERVIEWER:
To Hell!
LUKE:
To Hell!
(GLASSES CLINK WITH THE CRASH OF THUNDER)
EPILOGUE
(STEPS, BACKGROUND PEOPLE, SCREAMING OR LAUGHING, IT’S NOT CLEAR. A DOOR IS OPENED, WE ARE INSIDE, THE NOISE GETS QUIETER AS A BELL OVER THE DOOR IS RUNG. THREE SOFT ‘TING’S)
CASHIER
(CHUCKLING) Welcome to the diner of death… Would you like to try our Asbestos, Mercury and Kiwi popsicles? Alternatively I can recommend our new ear wax and mashed potato ice-cream, the sprinkles are on the house!
JOEY
Uno gelato Egg Mayonnaise per favore.
Salvatore
Uno gelato Mushy Pea per favore.
CASHIER
Good choice! (CALLING BACK) One Mayonnaise and one Mushy Pea Ice-cream please! Here are your Barf-Bags. And here comes your Ice-Creams! Gentlemen, enjoy!
(SOUND OF JOEY AND SALVATORE SUCKING ICE CREAM AND IMMEDIATELY VOMITING, CURSING)
(THEME TUNE)
CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions, in association with OpenHouseTheater Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Michael Smulik as Luke, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Pete Lutz from "Pulp-Pourri Theatre" as the Cashier and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. Coming up: a little Cameo by Sarah Golding. It was written by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, and directed by Alan Burgon. Music and Sound Design by Fredrik Baden, Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen, production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at TonGeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. If you enjoy our show, and would like us to continue making it, consider becoming a Patron! For every episode, Patrons get special rewards. For this Episode, 1$ Patrons get a digital poster of Hell. 5$ Patrons get Luke’s case file, which outlines exactly what happens after the episode finishes and 10$ Patrons get a map of Hell, designed by Anders Pedersen. Becoming a Patron is quick and easy! Visit patreon.com/AmeliaPodcast or follow the link on our website, ameliapodcast.com. This week’s podcast shoutout goes to: Victoriocity. Which is like the bonkers Lovechild of Arthur Conan Doyle, Wilky Collins and Douglas Adams. And it features Cyborg Queen Victoria! What more could you want? Bye for now, and looking forward to Welcome you back to Amelia soon.
(BEEPING FADES OUT)
SECOND EPILOGUE?
(TING OF THE BELL AGAIN)
CASHIER
Evening Ladies… May I recommend the Belzebub Burger? It’s made with fried leftovers, but don’t ask what kind of leftovers! (LAUGHS) Alternatively, if you want a really exciting dining experience, there is a Pirania Panierery just over there. Catch your own food before it catches you! (LAUGHS)
(SUDDEN ALARM OUTSIDE)
(CONFUSED) What’s that?
(LOUD VOICE OVER SPEAKERS:)
Cody North, Cody North, please come to the control tower immediately, Cody North, Cody North, we need you at the Control Tower please, very quickly, to the Control Tower, Cody North, Cody North, Cody-
(ALARM DIES DOWN)
END OF EPISODE