EPISODE 80 - THE CHILDREN OF HAMELIN
PIP
This episode is dedicated to our patron Ryan Burnett, whose death by spontaneous liquefaction will make it appear as if Ryan melted into a puddle of organic matter. We will resurrect Ryan as a collector and dealer of esoterica and cursed objects. Be like Ryan and support the show on Patreon, a big thank you to all of you who are already doing so, and now, enjoy the episode!
PROLOGUE.
MIA, JACKIE AND KOZLOWSKI AROUND THE CAMPFIRE.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. It seems the roots are awake again.
MIA
Oh, wohoo.
JACKIE
Okay, so we've dug up the roots, brushed, washed, peeled, and sang to them, what next?
KOZLOWSKI
(HUMS) Next, we must grate them. Then we fetch fresh water from the brook, heat it over the fire, and infuse the roots in the boiling water.
MIA
This tea is a lot of effort.
KOZLOWSKI
It is a very special tea. Now, let me find the grater...
(HE TURNS AND RUMMAGES IN TIN)
JACKIE
(QUIETLY TO MIA)
You're memorizing all this, right?
MIA
(QUIETLY)
What?
JACKIE
(QUIETLY)
We have to memorize all the steps so that we can replicate it...
MIA
(QUIETLY)
It's all been pretty straightforward so far. I just wish there was some way to speed this up.
JACKIE
CONSPIRATORIALLY
Patience Mia. If you have patience... we will have Patience. And then we will have all the time in the world.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! Here they are, graters! One for you Jackie, one for you Mia, and – oh.
MIA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no! Did you see that?
MIA
See what?
KOZLOWSKI
Your root. Its taint is a sullen gray.
MIA
I... I suppose. What about it?
KOZLOWSKI
That will not do at all.
MIA
Something's wrong with my root and you're telling me now?! Couldn't you have said something before we started peeling and brushing and-
KOZLOWSKI
Nothing is wrong with your root.
MIA
Oh, but -
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) The problem is your attitude Mia.
MIA
(SARCASTICALLY) My attitude?
KOZLOWSKI
Baldur's Root is sensitive. It absorbs the feelings and attitudes of those with whom it comes into contact.
MIA
Oh, for crying out loud!
KOZLOWSKI
Your root... I think it is sulking, Mia.
MIA
Sulking?
KOZLOWSKI
You see, while the individual steps of this ritual are simple, they count for nothing if not performed with the utmost sincerity. And you Mia, it pains me to say this, but I think you are not taking this entirely seriously.
JACKIE
Mia!
MIA
Oh come on Jackie! You really think I've offended this root because of my attitude? It's a fucking root!
JACKIE
I actually think it just turned a deeper shade of gray.
MIA
(EXASPERATED) Seriously?
(CHANGES TACK) Ok. Alright. Seriously. I will take this seriously.
KOZLOWSKI
Good.
MIA
Okay. So, let's start grating.
KOZLOWSKI
No. Your root is too vulnerable to be submitted to the assault of the grater. Before we do that, we must build back up its confidence.
MIA
What do you suggest? You want me to apologize to it?
KOZLOWSKI
An apology appeals to the intellect and is not something to which the root is likely to respond... No, the root picks up on feelings...
MIA
(REALLY TRYING) What about a heartfelt apology?
KOZLOWSKI
I think all your root needs is a bit of cheering up.
MIA
Ok... we could... uhm... we could... tell it some jokes?
JACKIE
Mia!
KOZLOWSKI
I actually think that is a marvellous idea!
JACKIE
Uh... you do?
MIA
Ha! Who's the sceptic now?
KOZLOWSKI
Please! Let us not ruin the moment! Mia, do you know any jokes?
MIA
Um... I... I...
(RACKS HER BRAIN)
Well... um... I really can't think of -
JACKIE
I've got one!
KOZLOWSKI
Alright-
MIA
No, wait! I've got one! Uh... What was it again? Uh... hang on...
JACKIE
Do you have one or not Mia?
MIA
Never mind, I've got another one, ready?
KOZLOWSKI
Ready!
MIA
Ok. What do you call two rats -
KOZLOWSKI
Mia! Not to me, you need to address to the root.
MIA
Oh right, right.
(TO THE ROOT) What do you call two roots - sorry, I mean, uhm, what do you call two rats, two rats, that are brothers?
(SILENCE)
Uh... do I need to wait for it to reply or -
KOZLOWSKI
You can move on to the punchline.
MIA
Brodents.
SILENCE.
JACKIE
It's still grey.
KOZLOWSKI
That reminds me...
JACKIE
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Rats... I have a story about rats...
MIA
Is it a funny one?
KOZLOWSKI
I will let you be the judge of that.
JACKIE
Well the bar has just been significantly lowered by your joke.
MIA
Jackie! I was trying! I was being sincere! I was -
KOZLOWSKI
Mia! Jackie! Stop!
Let me distract you both with a tale.
MIA
I... I suppose.
JACKIE
Where are you taking us this time? Back to Florence? England? France?
KOZLOWSKI
Germany! Although at the time it was not a united country but a collection of independent states. It was the middle of a cold, snowy winter, and Arthur and I had just arrived in the town of Hamelin...
THEME TUNE.
INTERVIEW.
HAMELIN, 1284
(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI EXIT A BUILDING. IT IS WINTER, AND THEIR FOOTSTEPS GO CRUNCH-CRUNCH IN THE SNOW. THEY BLOW ON THEIR HANDS TO KEEP WARM)
(AS THE DOOR OPENS, WE CATCH THEM MID-CONVERSATION)
KOZLOWSKI
But you do get to wear these nice colourful clothes!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I admit the clothes are nice, but I still don't like it!
KOZLOWSKI
It is an honourable profession.
INTERVIEWER
Honourable?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! Ancient and honourable!
INTERVIEWER
We're rat catchers! You could at least have set us up with a cleanlier profession!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh please, it is just a cover.
INTERVIEWER
Old Widow Grimm and her rat infestation beg to differ!
KOZLOWSKI
Old Widow Grimm may be looking for a disappearance! The rats are probably just an excuse to call you over.
INTERVIEWER
(NOT CONVINCED)
Perhaps... Though her son did spend the better part of an hour detailing all the places Widow Grimm had found rat poo. Telling us where his mother lived seemed like an afterthought.
KOZLOWSKI
I found his description of the rat king especially intriguing.
INTERVIEWER
I was trying to forget that...
KOZLOWSKI
Twenty rats with their tails entangled, squirming at the bottom of her cabinet... Some dead, some shrieking...
INTERVIEWER
(SQUEAMISH) Ah yes alright alright, you can stop now! Stop now! Please yes, stop, just stop.
KOZLOWSKI
You have to tell me exactly what it is like, you know that, right?
INTERVIEWER
I thought you said there were no rats!
KOZLOWSKI
I am not sure what to hope for. Our first client in a new city, or an actual rat king...
INTERVIEWER
Widow Grimm insisted on seeing only one of us! I cling to the hope this means she needs her death faked.
BEAT.
I mean - why should she have rats! There's no reason for a rat infestation in a nice and clean town such as - ahhh!
THE INTERVIEWER GOES FACE FIRST IN THE SNOW.
KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS HEARTILY.
THE INTERVIEWER GETS TO HIS FEET, SPITTING SNOW, BRUSHING IT OFF HIS MEDIEVAL GOWN. KOZLOWSKI STILL LAUGHS
INTERVIEWER
It's not funny! My cloak is covered in snow! Oh it’s freezing!
KOZLOWSKI
I have told you not to wear those long pointy shoes!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but you don't understand fashion!
KOZLOWSKI
They are a tripping hazard!
INTERVIEWER
They are a fashionable tripping hazard!
KOZLOWSKI
A straw hat is fashionable, but you do not wear it in winter.
INTERVIEWER
I might! Besides, I didn't trip over my shoes, I tripped on that frozen -
(SEES WHAT IT IS)
...rat.
KOZLOWSKI
Look at that. A rat frozen stiff. Over there is another one. It seems there are rats in Hamelin...
INTERVIEWER
(SUFFERING) I hope they're all dead already...
I really am cold too! I wish I'd finished my Honigwein before we left. Honeywine keeps you very warm.
KOZLOWSKI
I will warm it up again for you when you come home.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. Something to look forward to.
(THEY WALK FOR A BIT)
You know something?
KOZLOWSKI
Hm?
INTERVIEWER
I already know what Old Widow Grimm should die from.
KOZLOWSKI
You do? You have not interviewed her yet!
INTERVIEWER
St. Vitus Dance!
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) No!
INTERVIEWER
continuing
Non-stop maniacal dancing in religious ecstasy! It is perfect! Did you hear about the 200 people who danced on a bridge on the Maas River until it collapsed?
KOZLOWSKI
I did, of course
INTERVIEWER
I've been dying to use the St. Vitus Dance on a client.
KOZLOWSKI
amused
Do you think it fits Old Widow Grimm? She is so old she cannot even come to see us herself.
INTERVIEWER
I'm sure the prospect of wild physical abandon will perk her up!
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
And besides, St. Vitus Dance has an added benefit.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh? What is that?
INTERVIEWER
It's free! We're completely out of money, and if Old Widow Grimm is as much of a miser as the average Hameliner...
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, the citizens of Hamelin cannot be as bad as their reputation, surely.
INTERVIEWER
No? You've seen it yourself since we’ve arrived!
KOZLOWSKI
Have I?
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on! The monks back at the monastery served us beer in thimbles! And the onions I bought at the market were sold in a patch of dirt, so the weight would bring up the price!
KOZLOWSKI
Well, perhaps they are a bit stingy around these parts...
INTERVIEWER
A bit stingy? When I bought the fabric for the rat catcher outfit, they measured both the front and the back of the fabric so the length would double! And the flutes down at the flute makers-
(They walk past a girl begging on the street)
EVI
(IN GERMAN) Meine Herren, meine Herren!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-tripled in price for each tone hole!
EVI
(IN GERMAN) Ähm-
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, Arthur, hold on.
INTERVIEWER
What?
(Kozlowski stops, and the Interviewer stops too)
EVI
(IN GERMAN) Haben Sie einen Pfennig? Für ein kaltes Kind?
KOZLOWSKI
Should we not help this lovely little girl?
EVI
(GERMAN) Mir ist so kalt. Meine Herren, es ist so kalt heute. Einen Pfennig?
KOZLOWSKI
(Softly) She has resorted to begging on the street.
INTERVIEWER
And we have no money left!
EVI
Sirs, sirs!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
We spent every pfennig we had on rat-catcher-garments, firewood, and a new house.
KOZLOWSKI
I feel for her. She is almost blue with cold!
INTERVIEWER
So am I!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
And after all, it is almost Christmas.
EVI
(HOPEFUL) One will get you thanks,
two will get you grace,
three gets you into heaven,
whilst four puts a smile on my face, Sirs! Do you have a pfennig to spare?
KOZLOWSKI
Shouldn't we show some charity?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, alright, but what can we give her?
KOZLOWSKI
I do not know. But... I will speak with her.
INTERVIEWER
Well, you do what you want, I need to hurry over to Old Widow Grimm's. I'll see you back home later.
(THE INTERVIEWER HEADS OFF)
Hopefully with a new client!
KOZLOWSKI
Tell me all about the rat king!
INTERVIEWER
Oh for the last time, there are no rats!
(HE ALMOST STUMBLES ON ANOTHER FROZEN RAT. THE ACCIDENTALLY KICKED RAT SCOOTS ALONG THE ICE LIKE A PUCK)
Ahh! Not another one!
(KOZLOWSKI LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
Alright.
(PAUSE. KOZLOWSKI KEEPS RUBBING HIS HANDS. EVI STUTTERS FROM SHIVERING)
Hello.
EVI
(HESITANT) Hi.
KOZLOWSKI
How long have you been sitting here?
EVI
Since morning.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, darling child, you must be cold.
EVI
(LAUGHS) I’m terribly sorry, sir, does that brick wall have a hole in it?
KOZLOWSKI
Brickwall, hole? What do you mean?
EVI
That brick wall. Next to you? Can you see right through it?
KOZLOWSKI
Uh… No…?
EVI
Oh… Then I must be hallucinating. I'm seeing right into the living room of a rich couple eating roast goose with apples and prunes and all the trimmings.
KOZLOWSKI
Right. Well. How do you feel about coming with me?
EVI
Uh… I need to sit here and beg -
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no, please. My house is just down the road, and the fire is still burning.
Kozlowski gives her a hand and helps her up.
KOZLOWSKI
Here, let me give you a hand.
EVI
(SURPRISED. GERMAN) Oh, oh, Sie sind ja stark… Thank you.
KOZLOWSKI
You are welcome. It is this way.
They start walking.
I assume you are an orphan?
EVI
Oh no. (GERMAN) Das wär schön.
KOZLOWSKI
So why are you begging on the street?
EVI
My parents told me to.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh. I assume your parents must be very poor.
EVI
No, they're rich.
KOZLOWSKI
Rich? Really?
EVI
Maybe not rich like a king or a duke or anything, but they do fine. My dad's the only butcher in Hameln.
KOZLOWSKI
So why oh earth do they tell you to beg?
EVI
To get me out of the house.
KOZLOWSKI
Really?
EVI
My mother says she doesn't like wasting firewood on a child, and my father says I need to make myself useful or I won't have a roof over my head. Not that I have a roof over my head anyway, they kick me out every chance they get. Oh, walking is quite nice after I sat there the whole time.
KOZLOWSKI
Well. At least they feed you.
EVI
Yeah, I get the scraps the dogs won't eat.
KOZLOWSKI
Is that a joke?
EVI
They don't like to waste food on a child. Or space.
KOZLOWSKI
How charming. I am sorry, but they do not sound fit to be parents.
EVI
Nah, wenn du wüsstest.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
EVI
It's normal around here.
KOZLOWSKI
(EXASPERATED) Normal? How is that normal?
arriving at the house
We are here. This is my house.
(SMILING) Welcome to the house of the rat catchers.
They enter the house. The fire is still going. EVI heads straight for the fireplace to warm herself.
Make yourself comfortable.
EVI
Warmth! (GERMAN) Oh mein Gott, warm… My fingers are tingling!
Kozlowski throws another log on the fire.
KOZLOWSKI
There we go. That should last for a while. And here, drink this.
EVI
What is that?
KOZLOWSKI
Heated honey-wine. It will help warm you up.
EVI drinks. Kozlowski sits down.
EVI
(SLURPS) I don't think I've ever met anyone as generous as you.
KOZLOWSKI
It is nothing but common courtesy.
EVI
Not in Hameln, it's not.
KOZLOWSKI
You know… My friend was saying all Hameliners are misers, but I said they cannot all be that bad.
EVI (THROUGH KOZLOWSKI SCOFFING IN DISBELIEF)
Listen, I've lived here my whole life, and if you've heard jokes about the people of Hameln, I'm here to tell you they're not jokes. In Hameln, the taverns expect you to bring your own food and drink! The church charges parishioners per ding of the bell, and if you visit someone's house, don't ever make the mistake of sitting down, or the hosts will charge you for wear and tear!
KOZLOWSKI
Were you actually hallucinating earlier?
EVI
I saw parties and feasts and fires and games and all sorts of stuff. It was quite the ride!
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot believe your parents kicked you out into the snow on a day like this. If they knew you were hallucinating about what the strangers in the buildings around you were eating-
EVI
Oh, nono, not strangers.
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me?
EVI
That was our brickwall.
KOZLOWSKI
You hallucinated your own parents?
EVI
Yeah, I knew they were having goose today because the dogs love it, and my mother said I should probably sort out my own dinner because there wouldn't be any scraps.
(EXCITED) Did I tell you the goose I saw jumped up and walked around with forks sticking out of its back?
KOZLOWSKI
(to himself)
You could really do with our services...
EVI
Wie bitte?!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, nothing.
EVI
What do you mean I "could do with your services"? I might be starving, but I draw the line at eating rats...
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no, no. I did not mean you should eat the rats we catch.
EVI
Then what?
KOZLOWSKI
Rat catching is not the only thing we do.
EVI
So what else do you do?
KOZLOWSKI
We... give people new lives -
EVI
(WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) Yes please!
KOZLOWSKI
- but unfortunately we do not take children as clients.
EVI
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry about that.
EVI
Why not?
KOZLOWSKI
We cannot charge children. They have no money. Also, there is the consideration of morality. Doing something against the will of the parents.
EVI
Shame. I know a lot of kids who could need your help.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not believe every child in Hamelin has it as bad as you.
EVI
True.
Most probably have it worse…?
KOZLOWSKI
It cannot be that bad?
EVI
No?
KOZLOWSKI
I thought Hamelin was a quiet, calm place, an average town of average people with average morality!
EVI
Do you know Gepetto, the carpenter?
KOZLOWSKI
No?
EVI
He keeps cutting pieces off of his son's nose.
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOCK) Why?!
EVI
He says his son's nose grows longer whenever he tells a lie. He says he 'just wants to cut it down to normal'. Poor Pinnochio is telling the truth all he can, but his father won't believe him. Soon he won't have a nose left at all!
KOZLOWSKI
Surely that must be the exception, not the rule?
EVI
You'd think!
(she draws her breath, then fast)
The miller works poor Krabat to death - as well as the eleven other boys he's imprisoned!
Rotkäpchen's mother sent her alone into the wolf-forest dressed in a bright red cloak - I reckon she hoped she'd be eaten!
And Rapunzel has been imprisoned in that tower for years, whilst Mutter Gothel climbs in and out using her hair as a ladder! That must hurt like hell!
KOZLOWSKI
All of that sounds terrible, but -
EVI
And take Aschenputtel! Her step-mother uses her as a slave around the house, whilst her two step-sisters prance around in nice dresses!
Elli's family put her out in the shed in the middle of a storm. She was taken by a (STRUGGLES FOR THE WORDS) Dingenskirchens- windhose, blown to god knows where and when she came back she was all kooky!
And Hansel and Gretel's Großmutter is fattening them up, and we're worried she's planning to eat them!
KOZLOWSKI
I admit these fates are extraordinary -
EVI
Ooooh und Frau Holle covered her daughter in tar.
(PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
Have you tried asking for help - from your teachers maybe?
EVI
Fräulein Knüppelkuh?! She locked my friend Mathilda in a cupboard full of nails.
KOZLOWSKI
Right.
EVI
In fact, I don't think I know a single child in Hameln who is happy.
Beat.
Apart from Aschenputtel's stepsisters.
Beat.
And I think they're in their forties?
beat
Though to be fair, they cut their heels off to fit into some shoes, so they clearly have issues.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not know what to say.
EVI
Us kids have talked about it. We think maybe it's a sickness of the humours that has affected all the parents in Hameln. Or maybe they were all born from devil spawn. (SIGHS) Or maybe they're just regular old shitholes. KOZLOWSKI
Child - I would like to tell you a story.
EVI
Is it a true story?
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe. Maybe it is a fairytale. It starts like this...
EVI
Oh, Märchenstunde!
(WE HEAR EVI SIT DOWN AND GET COMFY. THERE IS FAINT MUSIC WHEN HE TELLS THE STORY)
KOZLOWSKI
Once upon a time in Tyre lived a boy. Let us call him Baal. Baal's father was a covetous man. He had heard of men owning phoenixes - the magical birds with the bright red plume-
EVI
Oh I know! The ones that burn and come back to life!
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. And Baal's father wanted one for himself. So one day he told Baal that it was Baal's job to find him one.
Baal looked in every stall at every market, he asked every ship down at the docks, he knocked on doors, trawled the forests and searched the fields around Tyre, but no phoenix to be found. Every night Baal came home empty handed, and every night his father beat him.
Baal's brothers learned the family trade, preparing them for the future. They worked during the day in the father's workshop, and they played and rested in the evenings. Baal, on the other hand, had to spend every waking hour searching for a phoenix. His father would not let him into the house until nightfall, and Baal always dreaded going home, for he knew there would be a thrashing.
He simply could not find a phoenix. There were no aviaries for as far as Baal could walk that had ever housed a real phoenix, nor any temples where phoenixes had ever resided. There was only his father's greed, and the violence that waited at home.
So one day Baal ran away.
EVI
(QUIETLY) Yess!!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Baal was sure that as soon as he was gone, his father would no longer remember his name. His father had already taken to referring to him only as "the disappointment".
Baal walked as far as he could walk, and when he could walk no longer, he sneaked onto a ship and hid in the hull. He sailed for weeks and weeks as a stowaway, and finally went ashore in a new and foreign land, somewhere he knew no one and nothing.
EVI
(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH)
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
Baal begged on the streets and survived off scraps found in the gutter. He grew thin and weak, and his mind suffered from the lack of food. But at least he was free from his father's greed. Or so he thought.
EVI
Oh no…
KOZLOWSKI
Because when you have grown up knowing one thing, and one thing only, even if you escape your prison, it is much harder to escape your mind.
EVI
(ENTHRALLED) What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Baal knew it was wrong of his dad to beat him, and it was the beating he escaped. But… he had also learned that the most valuable thing you could own - the one thing that would matter over all others - was a phoenix.
So when one day at a market he saw an old hen, a thin and sickly old hen with dirty wings, that no one else wanted to buy, he walked over to the merchant and said: "That bird over there is my phoenix."
EVI
Oh no, he'd lost it.
KOZLOWSKI
The merchant who was selling the hen noticed the vacant resolution in the boy's eyes and knew what he was dealing with. So, when Baal asked if he could have the hen, the merchant asked: "What are you willing to pay?"
Baal answered: "I have nothing, but I am willing to give anything, for this is my phoenix."
EVI
Hm.
KOZLOWSKI
The merchant said: "Anything?"
"Anything I can give, I will give," Baal answered.
"If you have no money, and do not own anything, I must ask for something different in return," the merchant said.
"Anything", Baal repeated.
And so the merchant asked for Baal's hands.
EVI
His hands? You mean, as a labourer… Right?
KOZLOWSKI
No. To be cut off.
EVI
(AUDIBLE QUESTION MARKS) Uagh?!
KOZLOWSKI
You see, the merchant's son had lost both his hands in an accident some time before. The merchant wanted his son to have a friend who was like him. So the merchant asked Baal to cut off both his hands and come live with his family for one year. If Baal did that, he could have the hen when the year was up.
EVI
I hope Baal ran away!
KOZLOWSKI
He did not. He accepted. For he knew that in one year he would get his phoenix.
EVI
What a sick and twisted man, this merchant!
KOZLOWSKI
Twisted by circumstance, sick with sorrow perhaps. The merchant was not a bad man. Although right there, at the marketplace, he did chop both of Baal's hands off.
EVI
Ai!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
And then Baal went to live with the merchant's family. He was treated well. The merchant's wife fed him and clothed him. The merchant's son was a fun child to be around, and they were good friends - for a year. But once a year had passed, Baal said his goodbyes and asked if he could have the hen now.
EVI
I bet they didn't want to let him go.
KOZLOWSKI
They did perhaps not want to, but I told you: The merchant was not a bad man. He kept his word. It was a fair sale in the merchant's eyes. The merchant had got the price he asked for, and so the customer should get what he asked for. So after one year, Baal got an old, sickly hen.
EVI
Jesus Christus…
KOZLOWSKI
Baal cared for the hen. As much as is possible when you live on the streets and you have no hands.
EVI
Oh yeah, I almost forgot! His hands had been cut off!
KOZLOWSKI
But even so, Baal nursed the sick hen back to health. He had learned to use his feet for almost anything. He picked up scraps of food with his toes and always gave the bird the best bits and ate the worst himself.
EVI
Ew.
KOZLOWSKI
They lived by the side of a busy road, and every time someone new passed, they laughed at Baal. For it was a sight to behold: The mad child who used his feet to feed a hen and who shouted in joy and ecstasy: "This! This is a phoenix! I have a phoenix!"
EVI
Poor Baal!
KOZLOWSKI
For five years this went on, the bird now nearing the end of its life. But then one day, the most extraordinary thing happened. It was a cold night, and both Baal and the hen could feel what was about to happen. The bird was about to freeze to death. But Baal did not fret. For he knew the hen was a phoenix. So he gathered some twigs, and made a fire -
EVI
With his feet?!
KOZLOWSKI
- and he said to the hen: This is your fire, phoenix, now you must burn and come back!
Then he lifted the sick hen into the fire, and the bird was too old and too sick to escape, so she slumped into the flames and caught fire.
EVI
I really hope this ends with him eating the bird and like it's really tender and moist and stuff?
KOZLOWSKI
The bird burned to ashes. And for twelve days and twelve nights Baal sat next to the ashes, not eating, not drinking, just waiting.
People walking by did not laugh anymore. They thought it was tragic, they thought that the boy would die, they thought he would starve to death, just sitting there.
But the boy smiled and smiled for he knew it was a phoenix.
EVI
But it was a hen!
KOZLOWSKI
It was a hen.
BEAT.
Until it was not a hen anymore.
EVI
What?!
KOZLOWSKI
On the thirteenth day the bird rose from its ashes, its plume as red as blood!
EVI
Whoa!
KOZLOWSKI
And it was a phoenix. And the bird spoke to Baal.
"You believed in me," it said. "You saw me for what I was, when everyone else saw a sick, old hen. You nursed me back to health and kept me alive till the end of my cycle. You gave six years of your life for me, and then you waited for me for twelve days and twelve nights. You gave me the best you had; your food, and your devotion, and for that I shall give you a gift."
EVI
Whoa!!
KOZLOWSKI
The bird beckoned Baal over and told Baal to stretch out his arms. Then the bird blinked twice. Two teardrops fell down, one onto each of Baal's stumps and within a minute, two new hands had grown.
EVI
(GERMAN) Nichwahr?!
KOZLOWSKI
"I have given you hands", said the bird, "but they are not any hands. They are not your hands. They are mine. And just like I healed you with my tears, my hands can also heal. Use them wisely, my child. Though I already know you will."
Then the bird spread its magnificent wings and took off, flying high, high into the sky.
The end.
BEAT.
EVI
Yeah, that was a fairy tale. Good one though.
(PAUSE)
So, what am I supposed to take from that? That it's a good idea to run away from home? That I should gather all my friends and we should just make a run for it?
KOZLOWSKI
No. It is a story about managing on your own despite the adults around you –
Kozlowski trails off. Beat.
EVI
What is it?
KOZLOWSKI
I wanted to tell you the story because I thought it might be significant to you. But now that I have told it... I realize that I was telling it to myself. My mind was working to change my decision.
EVI
What decision?
KOZLOWSKI
About not helping children.
beat
Child, you are no longer in the rat catchers house, you are now visiting the Brotherhood of the Phoenix!
EVI
The Brotherhood of the...?
KOZLOWSKI
We will help you. All of you. No children should live like this.
EVI
Wow! But... how?
KOZLOWSKI
The Brotherhood of the Phoenix do not just give people new lives, we help you get rid of your old ones. More specifically, we help people fake their deaths.
EVI
You want to kill all of us, but like play-pretend? That is a lot of kids to kill at once! And we're never in the same place. So how will you - ?
KOZLOWSKI
A child exodus. Lead by a rat catcher.
EVI
Bitte?!
KOZLOWSKI
This is how it will happen: Hamelin has a rat problem. I have seen three dead rats just outside the house today, and three dead rats lying in the street is a sign there are hundreds of living ones inside.
EVI
Hah. The rats in Hameln are bigger than cats. People say they're the only thing Hameln doesn't skimp on! But what has that got to do with us kids?
KOZLOWSKI
On the Feast of Saint John and Saint Paul, a certain handsome and well-dressed man will dance through the streets playing a silver pipe of the most magnificent sort.
(TO HIMSELF)
It better be a good flute, we paid handsomely for it...
(TO EVI)
The man will be dressed in a coat of bright and many-colored cloth, a splendid rat catcher costume, so that all who see him admire him for his appearance! Stopping at the market square, this pied piper will speak to the gathering crowds, proclaiming that he can get rid of all the rats in Hamelin, by luring the rats away with his magic flute, leading them into the Weser to drown. He will only do this in return for fair payment.
EVI
You expect the people in this town to pay up? I don't think so...!
KOZLOWSKI
They will agree to his price - my friend can be very convincing - and I will hide in the crowd to help sway public opinion. Besides, he will set the price very low. Maybe 1000 guilders.
EVI
That's a lot of money!
KOZLOWSKI
Not for solving the kind of rat problem you have in Hamelin.
But you are right, I am not expecting the townspeople to actually pay. In fact, the plan hinges on them refusing.
EVI
Yeah, no worries, they'll find an excuse.
KOZLOWSKI
When the citizens refuse to pay for the pied piper's service, he will retaliate.
EVI
How?
KOZLOWSKI
He will play his silver flute again. But this time, it is not the rats who follow him.
EVI
No? Ooh, is he gonna drown the parents!? No, wait, of course, you said- !
KOZLOWSKI
This time, it will be the children who follow. A long train of every child in Hamelin dancing after the pied piper down the cobbled streets, out through the East Gate, no ears for their parents' cries. All the way over the top of Koppelberg Hill the piper will lead them, to the Calvary, where the execution's take place. There they vanish, so that no trace of them can be found, as if they were eaten alive by the Calvary.
EVI
The hill that looks like a skull. We don't go there... it's creepy.
KOZLOWSKI
And there's a secret tunnel under the executioner’s block.
EVI
How do you know?
KOZLOWSKI
(GRINNING) I have been here before. Now, the mothers of the children will run from town to town looking for their babes, but they will find nothing. The children will be gone for good.
EVI
Wow. That's... amazing. But... where will we go?
KOZLOWSKI
We will take you to a beautiful land where you can live in peace.
EVI
What land?
KOZLOWSKI
Transylvania!
EVI
The mountains?! Aren't conditions there super harsh?
KOZLOWSKI
The valleys. Deep, lush valleys full of rivers, pastures, forests - food hanging right in front of your noses wherever you go! Plus, there's a man there who owes us a favour. He escaped a life as a dairy farmer to become a lonesome count living in a huge, empty castle. He could use some company, and the castle is more than big enough to house all of you.
EVI
It is too good to be true.
KOZLOWSKI
No. It is good enough to be fair.
EVI
Well, I'll... I'll let the other kids know.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. We have an agreement then. I look forward.
EVI
Just tell us what to do, and we'll do it!
KOZLOWSKI
Ha! Your job is easy. The third time the rat catcher plays his flute, you follow.
EVI
How can we ever pay you back?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, you don’t have to.
EVI
Entschuldigung?
KOZLOWSKI
Like I said before: We cannot charge children.
EVI
(GIGGLES) Danke.
KOZLOWSKI
Bitte.
(EVI GETS UP)
EVI
Alright. I need to be on my way. If my father sees that I'm not begging on the corner...
KOZLOWSKI
Go! But remember - any time you need to warm yourself, you can come here. We do not want you to freeze to death before we have faked your death.
EVI
(CHUCKLES) You'll see me around then.
(EVI HEADS FOR THE DOOR)
KOZLOWSKI
Before you go: I never got your name?
EVI
Evi. I never got yours either?
KOZLOWSKI
It's Behrem. Behrem Behnam.
EVI
What an odd name!
KOZLOWSKI
(SMILES) I shall see you soon, Evi.
(AS EVI LEAVES, THE INTERVIEWER RETURNS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, hello.
EVI
Oh. Auf Wiedersehen.
INTERVIEWER
Well. Goodbye.
(THE DOOR CLOSES)
Short visit?
KOZLOWSKI
I let her sit by the fire. So, how did it go?
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS)
KOZLOWSKI
Tell me.
INTERVIEWER
Rats...
KOZLOWSKI
No client?
INTERVIEWER
No...
KOZLOWSKI
What was the rat king like?!
INTERVIEWER
Gross! Utterly disgusting! I managed to get it out and throw it in the river, but some were still alive...
(SHUDDERS)
I'll have nightmares about that for decades! I guess the only positive thing about this evening was this...
(LAUGHS. HE REMOVES A LEATHER POUCH FROM HIS BELT AND POURS A LOT OF COINS ON THE TABLE)
Ca-ching! Or rather: Rat-ca-tching!
(CHUCKLES AT HIS BAD PUN)
Rat-catching... right? Get it? Rat catching?
(KOZLOWSKI DOESN'T LAUGH)
Alright… Anyhow, we've got some pfennigs again.
Yes, you see, the reason Widow Grimm only invited one of us was because her lodgings were so small only one person would fit in the room at once! She stood outside in the hallway shouting directions through the door! And yet, there were so many rats! I mean, how could so many rats live in such a small room?! And how could Widow Grimm live in a room with so many rats? And then I kept falling over...! I mean-
KOZLOWSKI
Falling over?
INTERVIEWER
These darn pointed shoes! I was stumbling all over the place, face first into scuttling rats, grasping at them with my hands trying to shoo them into my bag!
(THE INTERVIEWER TEARS OFF HIS SHOES AND THROWS THEM ACROSS THE ROOM)
I'm not cut out for this! I'm never wearing these stupid pretty fashionable shoes ever again! In fact, I refuse to ever wear this silly costume again too! I don't want to be a rat catcher!
KOZLOWSKI
Well. You are in luck. I will get your wish fulfilled.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, thank God.
KOZLOWSKI
Though I reckoned we would have had a good run of it in Hamelin. Alas... You will only have to be the rat catcher once more, then we are leaving.
INTERVIEWER
Once more? Why just once more?
KOZLOWSKI
Then we are leaving.
INTERVIEWER
Why are we leaving? What are you up to?
KOZLOWSKI
What if you could remove all of the rats in Hamelin at once?
INTERVIEWER
How would I do that?
KOZLOWSKI
With your flute.
INTERVIEWER
With my flute?
KOZLOWSKI
We have to figure out how to train all the rats in Hamelin to follow your flute.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Come again?
KOZLOWSKI
I will find a way...
INTERVIEWER
You are something else! I mean, really… Are you going to tell me why we are doing this?
KOZLOWSKI
In time.
INTERVIEWER
(SHAKES HIS HEAD) Alright. Where is that Honigwein you promised me?
KOZLOWSKI
The Honigwein? Well, you see –
(SLOWLY THE DRUMS AND MUSIC FADE UP)
INTERVIEWER
Ah there it is… My mug is empty! Why is my mug empty? I wanted to toast to a job well done, and you... (SHOCKED GASP) Did you give it to that child? You did, didn’t you?!
KOZLOWSKI
She was very cold –
(THE INTERVIEWER SINKS SULKILY DOWN IN A CHAIR)
INTERVIEWER
Rats! This day is the worst!
(HE SIGHS LOUDLY)
THEME TUNE
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Maty Parzival as Evi, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Willams, Erin King as Mia Fox and Alan Burgon as The Interviewer.
The episode was written by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne and additional research by Maty Parzival. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, sound designed by Alexander Danner, with music by Fredrik Baden and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
This show exists courtesy of our patrons, so if you are supporting us on patreon or apple podcasts, thank you so much, we couldn’t do this without you. And if you’re not yet supporting us but are considering it, head over to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show to see the various options and get more info. Depending on your level of support you can get ad free episodes, early releases, invites to listening parties, bonus episodes and bonus series, dedications and shoutouts in the credits. Speaking of which, a massive thank you to our super patrons without whom this show wouldn’t be possible, at the time of recording that’s: Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, Kayleigh Wilson, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods and Ryan O’Mara.
And now the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
JACKIE
Huh. You hadn't told us a phoenix story for a while...
MIA
Now you're claiming you were Behrem? Before you said Behrem was your husband!
(KOZLOWSKI SIGHS)
JACKIE
Yeah, but he took his face remember?
MIA
Ok, but that was, like a few decades ago, not several centuries ago! It doesn't make sense.
JACKIE
Well we'd established all that was bullshit.
Let me rephrase. I don't think anything he says can be taken at face value. That phoenix story? It's like the girl said. A fairytale.
MIA
Ooh! I've got a phoenix joke!
JACKIE
Let's hear it?
MIA
What do you get when you touch a phoenix?
JACKIE
I don't know. What do you get when you touch a phoenix?
MIA
Bird degree burns.
JACKIE
(GROANS) Booo! That was terrible!
MIA
What was your joke?
JACKIE
Huh?
MIA
You never told your joke.
JACKIE
Oh. It was a chicken joke actually!
MIA
Oh yeah?
JACKIE
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a ghost?
MIA
I don't know. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a ghost?
JACKIE
A poultry geist.
MIA
(GROANS) Oh god-
(THEY BOTH GIGGLE)
JACKIE
Look!
MIA
What?
JACKIE
Your root!
MIA
Oh!
JACKIE
It's no longer a sulky grey. It's... cheery orange! It worked!
MIA
Okay! Okay, and point taken. And I know why you told that story. It was a story about the power of belief, right? Well, I promise that from now until sunrise, I will believe, I will believe so hard - uhm, hey Kozlowski?
(KOZLOWSKI GASPS)
What's... what's up?
JACKIE
Oh no. Has he gone into one of his trances again?
MIA
Kozlowski? Hey Kozlowski?
KOZLOWSKI
("WAKES" WITH A JOLT) Behrem?
JACKIE
(CONCERNED) Behrem?
MIA
Hey, are okay buddy?
KOZLOWSKI
(TRYING TO GATHER HIMSELF) Oh... I... I am sorry... ancient memories...
MIA
Look at my root! Orange! Can we grate it now?
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed! I am proud of you Mia Fox. Let us grate! And I will tell you another story.
JACKIE
Another phoenix story?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah… No.
No more phoenix stories. Not for a while, anyway. I am not ready for that.
JACKIE
But there will be one, yes? One more phoenix story?
Kozlowski
(SOFTLY) Yes...
JACKIE
A story about Behrem?
Kozlowski
(VERY SOFTLY) Yes...
END.