EPISODE 81 - GRUFFUD
PIP
This episode is dedicated to our Patreon supporter Robert Acker, who died choking on a marble whilst hanging up a sign saying “don’t suck on the marbles”. Robert will appear as a regular extra in a series of epic Bollywood musicals. Thanks Robert, and thanks to all our patrons. Enjoy the episode!
PROLOGUE
THE FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, the water is boiling. Are you both finished grating your root?
JACKIE
Yes.
MIA
Yep.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. Now, this is very important: Can you both make sure you have only grated the root and not your fingers?
JACKIE
My fingers are intact.
KOZLOWSKI
Excellent!
MIA
Uhm...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, Mia?
MIA
It’s very dark... and this root is very slippery... I can't guarantee there's isn't like a smidgen of skin cells in the bowl. I'm really sorry -
KOZLOWSKI
Mia! Let me see! Now!
MIA
Uh -
JACKIE
Hand over the bowl!
MIA
Here.
(KOZLOWSKI STUDIES THE GRATED ROOT IN THE LIGHT FROM THE FIRE)
KOZLOWSKI (IN THE BACKGROUND)
Hm... Hmm... Hmmm...
JACKIE
You grated your fingers?
MIA
Not on purpose.
JACKIE
Do you not know how to grate something without hurting yourself? How old are you?
MIA
I buy stuff that's already grated, it's a lot quicker!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no... Oh Mia... OH MIA FOX!
MIA
What?!
JACKIE
Mia! What did you do!
MIA
I don't know!
KOZLOWSKI
Mia Fox! There is blood in the bowl!
MIA
Blood? Oh - yeah - I am bleeding a little bit. But just a tiny bit...
JACKIE
You got blood in the bowl? Yuck!
KOZLOWSKI
It is not the yucky-ness that I am worried about...!
JACKIE
You contaminated it!
MIA
It can't be that much!
KOZLOWSKI
- it is the blood.
JACKIE
You ruined it! Oh my god you ruined the tea!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you want this to be dark magic, Mia?
MIA
I’m sorry- Dark magic?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes!
MIA
(SPLUTTERING) I - I don't know -
KOZLOWSKI
Why would you turn this little ritual into dark magic!
MIA
I didn't mean to!
JACKIE
What do you mean "dark magic"?
MIA
How is it dark magic?
KOZLOWSKI
It is blood magic now, Mia!
JACKIE
Oh my god! BLOOD MAGIC!
MIA
I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry!
JACKIE
Mia!
MIA
How could I know!
JACKIE
(UPSET) Do we have to start over? Oh my god we had to search for it and dig it up and brush it and wash it and peel it and sing to it and tell it jokes and grate it and now you're telling me we have to do everything all over again because Mia Fox turned it all into BLOOD MAGIC?! (ANGRY) MIA!
MIA
I'm sorry!!!
KOZLOWSKI
No. No, let us calm down. It is not so bad.
MIA
(HOPEFUL) No?
JACKIE
It's not?
KOZLOWSKI
It will be fine. The blood only makes the effect of the tea a lot...
JACKIE
DEFLATED
...weaker.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
...stronger.
BEAT.
JACKIE
Stronger?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, yes. Ten times.
JACKIE
(OUT OF BREATH) Oh. Oh well... that's fine then. That's not a - that's ok - it's not a problem. I don't have a problem with that. Do you have a problem with that, Mia?
MIA
No! No, I don't. That's okay.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. But let us agree to not add any more surprise ingredients?
MIA
No...
JACKIE
Absolutely not.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. Then it is time to boil the tea.
(KOZLOWSKI POURS THE GRATED ROOT INTO THE WATER BOILING ON THE FIRE)
JACKIE
I can't wait! A few more minutes and then -
KOZLOWSKI
Minutes?
JACKIE
Yes? The tea needs to steep. I like mine strong, so we can give it five and not three, but then -
KOZLOWSKI
Jackie Williams. This is not an ordinary tea.
JACKIE
No, of course not, but -
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
For the secret powers to seep into the water, Baldur's root needs to boil for several hours.
BEAT.
JACKIE
Hours?
MIA
Oh lord.
KOZLOWSKI
Meanwhile, I have many stories still to tell. We have only got to the thirteenth century, after all. We have two thousand years to go.
MIA
Two thousand more years... (CHUCKLES) This night is going to last for two thousand years...
JACKIE
(SULKY) But I wanted the tea now...
KOZLOWSKI
Jackie Williams... Mia Fox... Have you no patience?
(THE TWO AGENTS PERK UP AGAIN)
JACKIE
Patience...?
MIA
I have patience! I can be patient! I mean, I will have patience. Yes, please. Very much... patience!
KOZLOWSKI
Excellent! Then let me tell you about one time my friend Arthur dressed up in one of his favourite costumes and went to interview a client in The Tower of London.
THEME TUNE
INTRO CREDITS.
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Paul Kraner.
Episode 81 – Gruffudd ap Llywelyn ap Iowerth by Alan Burgon.
EPISODE.
A ROOM IN THE WHITE TOWER, TOWER OF LONDON. GRUFFUDD PRAYS IN A HUSHED VOICE.
GRUFFUDD (OVERLAPPING)
I beg you, Lord, let the fiery, gentle power of your love take possession of my soul, and snatch it away from everything under heaven, that I may die for love of your love as you saw fit to die for love of mine.
(VOICES FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. WE HEAR THE INTERVIEWER OUT OF BREATH, STRUGGLING UP THE LAST FEW STEPS. HIS FOOT FALL IS VERY HEAVY, AS IF HE IS CARRYING A GREAT WEIGHT)
GRUFFUDD
What the...
THE INTERVIEWER
Phew! I wasn't expecting quite so many steps.
GRUFFUDD
Oh... No...
GAOLER
The White Tower is quite the climb, father.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes... and very narrow. Is he in there?
GAOLER
He is.
GRUFFUDD
Oh, good lord!
(WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF GRUFFUDD MOVING AROUND THE ROOM IN PANIC.
THE INTERVIEWER)
Oh, right. Leave us would you?
GAOLER
I'm afraid I can't do that, Father.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, my child, the words of a man to his lord are his alone. And ears that attempt to listen may live to regret such transgressions.
GAOLER
But...
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, a few steps down the stairway at least.
(SOFT PROTEST, THE INTERVIEWER JUST INTERRUPTS)
Don't worry, you will still technically be standing guard.
GAOLER
Well... oh alright then!
(THE GAOLER STARTS TO MOVE OFF)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm, the door?
GAOLER
Oh!
(HE COMES BACK AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR. IT OPENS, AND THE INTERVIEWER STEPS IN WITH STRUGGLING STEPS)
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, thank you. I’ll... I'll call when I am ready to leave.
GAOLER
Very good, Father.
(THE GAOLER LOCKS THE DOOR AGAIN. THERE IS A PAUSE)
GRUFFUDD
(TO HIMSELF)
Thank you lord for answering my prayer.
THE INTERVIEWER
(THROUGH THE DOOR)
Right... (CHUCKLES) I know you're still there!
GAOLER
Oh...!
(THE GAOLER MOVES OFF DOWN THE STAIRS)
THE INTERVIEWER
Well then. Gruffudd ap Llywelyn ap Iorwerth?
GRUFFUDD
Y-yes...
THE INTERVIEWER
Why, is that any way to greet a member of the Franciscan order?
(GRUFFUDD RUSHES OVER AND KNEELS BEFORE HIM)
GRUFFUDD
My apologies Father... it's just...
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes?
GRUFFUDD
Well... I...
THE INTERVIEWER
Well come on, spit it out!
GRUFFUDD
I have been preparing myself for this day a long time, but now that it's finally here, I feel my strength draining from me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Whatever for?
GRUFFUDD
I am not so worthy as Christ our savior. I am unable to walk towards my own death with the same faith. I am afraid!
THE INTERVIEWER
Afraid?
GRUFFUDD
When is my execution, Father? Tomorrow?
THE INTERVIEWER
Execution?
(THE NEXT SECTION OVERLAPS, AS GRUFFUDD DOES NOT REALLY LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEWER)
GRUFFUDD
You see nobody has informed me weather or not I am being executed or if I am just a prisoner-
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Gruffudd-
GRUFFUD
-or it’s now onto entirely up to me I-
THE INTERVIEWER
Relax. I am not here to read you your last rites!
GRUFFUDD
You're not?
THE INTERVIEWER
No, well, I mean, not in the way you think in any case (LAUGHS)
GRUFFUDD
But... then... why...
THE INTERVIEWER
Listen, do you mind if I sit down? For, you see, the good lord has seen fit to bless me with a... more than ample constitution on this night!
GRUFFUDD
Of course, how rude of me. Please, please...
(GRUFFUDD INDICATES A SMALL CHAIR)
THE INTERVIEWER
Um... do you have anything... bigger?
GRUFFUDD
Oh, forgive me, Father! There is a larger seat along the wall there.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, that should do nicely, yes.
(THE INTERVIEWER STRUGGLES ACROSS THE ROOM. HE SITS DOWN ON THE LARGE WOODEN SEAT, WHICH CREAKS AND STRAINS UNDER HIS WEIGHT)
Ahhh... that's better. Any longer on my feet and I might have keeled over.
GRUFFUDD
You look parched, Father. May I offer you some ale?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh! Yes please! That would be lovely.
(GRUFFUDD MOVES OFF TO POUR TWO MUGS OF ALE, AND TALKS AS HE DOES SO)
GRUFFUDD
Forgive me for asking, Father. I do not mean to pry, and I am happy for the company. But why then are you here?
THE INTERVIEWER
Unfinished business.
(POURING STOPS ABRUPTLY)
GRUFFUDD
Unfinished business? With me?
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
GRUFFUDD
Forgive me once more, Father, but I do not believe we have met before. I think I would have remembered a Friar of your... "ample constitution".
(HANDS HIM A MUG)
Your ale.
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
GRUFFUDD
(SITS)
In fact, it’s not often that I meet a man with a constitution as ample as my own, let alone more ample.
THE INTERVIEWER
Haha, yes! Oh, yes, you're quite right. Men of our build are... not the easiest to find.
GRUFFUDD
(LAUGHS) Indeed not!
(SLAPPING HIS BELLY)
Barrel belly Gruffudd, that's what they used to call me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh... yes, haha. How inventive.
GRUFFUDD
Not really! First time I went to the local tavern back home, the barkeep thought I was trying to steal a barrel of beer (LAUGHS)
THE INTERVIEWER
He what?
GRUFFUDD
Wouldn't let me leave. I eventually had to lift my tunic to prove it was only my belly. After that, the... the name stuck.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh dear!
GRUFFUDD
Harmless bit of fun really. Anyway, to your health!
THE INTERVIEWER
And to yours.
(THEY CLINK MUGS AND TAKE A LARGE DRINK)
GRUFFUDD
Ahh... Absolutely lovely, huh?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I needed that.
GRUFFUDD
Mother’s milk, some would say.
INTERVIEWER
I will bear that in mind.
GRUFFUDD
Oh, you eh...
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes?
GRUFFUDD
You have a little umm...
THE INTERVIEWER
What?
GRUFFUDD
Your whiskers are rather full of foam.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, are they, oh, thank you!
(WIPES THE FOAM AWAY)
You see. I'm not used to drinking ale with a beard.
GRUFFUDD
Really? But it's so big and bushy. It must have taken you years to grow.
THE INTERVIEWER
(STRUGGLES, SPLUTTERING) Yes... um... what I mean to say is... eh...
GRUFFUDD
That you're more of a wine drinker?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes! Precisely! (RELIEVED LAUGH)
GRUFFUDD
I thought as much, Father. If I were to guess, I would say a white wine, watered down of course, with just a splash of mead.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh my! Oh, that sounds lovely!
GRUFFUDD
Well, I have a bit of a knack for guessing peoples beverage of choice.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I haven't tried that one before, but now I certainly will!
GRUFFUDD
You won't be disappointed! I wish I could knock you up a glass now but alas, Father, I drank the last of my wine with supper.
THE INTERVIEWER
The ale is just fine. Thank you.
GRUFFUDD
My pleasure.
(SHORT PAUSE AS THEY DRINK)
THE INTERVIEWER
Right. Now then, Gruffudd... tell me about yourself.
GRUFFUDD
Oh, yes of course.
(GRUFFUDD SORTS HIMSELF OUT AND CHANGES INTO A MORE SERIOUS POSTURE)
GRUFFUDD
Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been
(TRIES TO FIGURE OUT LONG IT’S BEEN. LUCKILY THE INTERVIEWER INTERRUPTS)
THE INTERVIEWER
No no no! I don't mean all that Father, Ghost and Holy Roast business.
GRUFFUDD
Roast?
INTERVIEWER
Ehm, nervermind. Just tell me your story.
GRUFFUDD
My story?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes.
GRUFFUDD
I'm not sure I follow.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why is a Prince of Wales being held captive in the Tower of London?
GRUFFUDD
Oh! So when you say my story, you mean...? My story?
THE INTERVIEWER
Precisely!
GRUFFUDD
I see...
THE INTERVIEWER
If you don't mind?
GRUFFUDD
Not at all. Happy to in fact. I've never been asked for my story before.
THE INTERVIEWER
Hm. No...?
GRUFFUDD
Not in detail at any rate. Well once but that was... ehm...
INTERVIEWER
(EXPECTANT) ...yes?
GRUFFUDD
no! Never mind!
THE INTERVIEWER
Right, yes, good. Hmm... well I for one would be fascinated to hear your story.
GRUFFUDD
Most of the time I feel that people are trying to erase my story as fast as I can live it.
THE INTERVIEWER
How do you mean?
GRUFFUDD
Uh... how to explain? Em... Have you ever been the last person to leave an alehouse?
Sometimes, when you leave an alehouse very late - you know, after last orders have been called and they're wiping down for the night - the serving wench sometimes follows you out of the door with the broom. Almost like she's trying to sweep your very steps out behind you. You understand what I mean?
THE INTERVIEWER
I'm beginning to, yes.
GRUFFUDD
For most of my life, I've felt as though someone has been following me with a broom. Sweeping parts of my life away the moment I take a step forward. And once the dust has settled, and I stop, and look back... it's all empty.
(THE INTERVIEWER TAKES A SIP OF HIS ALE)
Oh dear! I seem to have gone rather deep rather quickly tonight haven't I.
THE INTERVIEWER
That's quite alright.
GRUFFUDD
One too many ales this evening. Or perhaps not enough! "Barkeep! You can leave the bottle!" Eh?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I'll drink to that!
GRUFFUDD
Well, cheers!
(THEY DRINK)
THE INTERVIEWER
You're not exactly treated like a prisoner here, are you?
GRUFFUDD
You think not?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I doubt if many of the other prisoners here are granted private quarters at the top of the White Tower... offering ale to their guests?
GRUFFUDD
Well... no I don't suppose they are.
THE INTERVIEWER
And you referred to the fact that we are both men of "ample constitutions". So clearly you are on a royal diet?
GRUFFUDD
Oh yes, I can have whatever I want whenever I want it. Would you like some pigeon pie or ham? I could call to the Gaoler and have something brought up?
THE INTERVIEWER
That's very kind of you, but no, thank you. Your story is the only reason I'm here. Who is Gruffudd ap Llywelyn ap Iorwerth?
GRUFFUDD
Well... you're looking at him. This is me, in this room. A prisoner. I've been a prisoner for most of my life.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why?
GRUFFUDD
Politics.
THE INTERVIEWER
Explain...
GRUFFUDD
Well you see, my father Llywelyn ap Iorwerth handed me over to King John when I was just 15 years old.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why?
GRUFFUDD
Well, he had no choice really. King John defeated my father. My father was a great man, he was well on his way to uniting the whole of Wales. But he wasn't a match for King John of England.
THE INTERVIEWER
So he just gave you up?
GRUFFUDD
He did.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, that must have been horrible.
GRUFFUDD
It was.
THE INTERVIEWER
You must have hated him for that.
GRUFFUDD
I did. (SIGHS) But it didn't take me long to understand my father's actions. To forgive him.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh?
GRUFFUDD
Llywelyn the Great was cunning and tactical. He knew when to lay down his arms and when to seize them. Always weighing up every situation, always thinking ahead. Had my father refused to hand me over when King John demanded it, I'd have been killed as punishment. And so, as difficult as it was, for both of us, I knew that he had to say yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Your mother must have been heartbroken.
GRUFFUDD
I never knew her. She died giving birth to me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, I'm sorry. An all too common tragedy.
GRUFFUDD
Yes. Oh she was beautiful though.
THE INTERVIEWER
Was she?
GRUFFUDD
Oh yes! Well, so I've been told. Tangwystl was her name... and she had long red hair the colour of flames. Oh! father loved her hair. Loved her! Not that it would have made any difference to my situation had she lived.
THE INTERVIEWER
How so?
GRUFFUDD
My mother was not of noble birth, so she would have had no influence over the King's decision.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) Oh.
GRUFFUDD
In fact, I am illegitimate.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, I see. Although, if you are illegitimate, then why were you pledged to King John? Surely an illegitimate son wouldn't have been a threat?
GRUFFUDD
That would be true in England, however under Welsh law I am entitled to be considered as my father's successor.
THE INTERVIEWER
I see. So you've been kept here ever since?
GRUFFUDD
Oh no! I was released after four years or so.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh... so you were sent home?
GRUFFUDD
I was. But not to the kind of welcome I would have liked. Things at home had changed considerably!
THE INTERVIEWER
In what way?
GRUFFUDD
Well, there was one other way in which King John had established his authority in my father's household.
THE INTERVIEWER
And that was?
GRUFFUDD
King John's daughter had become my father's wife.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right, well, that's a little awkward.
GRUFFUDD
(MAD) You can say that again! And I came home to a baby brother, Dafydd.
THE INTERVIEWER
I sense a hint of resentment in your tone.
GRUFFUDD
A hint? A HINT??
THE INTERVIEWER
Alright, a lot.
GRUFFUDD
Half of my father's princedom should have gone to me! (HITS A TABLE) I mean Christ... sorry! Sorry-
THE INTERVIEWER
It's fine!
GRUFFUDD
...but Christ!! (HITS IT AGAIN, VERY UPSET) I mean it's not asking for much is it? Only what I'm entitled to! Under Welsh law! But no... Gruffudd had been away hadn't he! Gruffudd had been kept out of the loop! And now he was back, Gruffudd was being treated like an annoying little barfly, buzzing around and trying to steal the froth from Dafydd's pint! Little did I know that in my absence, the "grown-ups" had all decided - no, no, my father had decided - to name bloody Dafydd as his sole bloody heir, hadn't he!
THE INTERVIEWER
Another "political decision"?
GRUFFUDD
Another political decision!
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean, being married to the King of England's daughter...
GRUFFUDD
Illegitimate daughter.
THE INTERVIEWER
Really?
GRUFFUDD
Oh yes! (LAUGHS WITHOUT HUMOUR) But still his daughter.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right. Being married to the King's daughter, and fathering a grandson of the King...
GRUFFUDD
Yeeeees...
THE INTERVIEWER
I can see your father's predicament.
GRUFFUDD
Yes, yes, I know, I know. Being King John's grandson, Dafydd would naturally be more accepted by the English crown as my father's heir.
THE INTERVIEWER
Still leaves a bitter taste though doesn't it.
GRUFFUDD
Like ale brewed from bath water!
BEAT.
It's the ‘illegitimate daughter’ part that really gets me. It just smacks of irony.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, it does. The circumstance of your birth which has been used to bring you into disrepute, is the very same circumstance that led King John to favor your step-mother into becoming your father's wife.
GRUFFUDD
God! I hate that word!
THE INTERVIEWER
Wife?
GRUFFUDD
Step-mother.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, that makes much more sense.
GRUFFUDD
Ugh.
INTERVIEWER
So you really didn't have a great time upon your return home?
GRUFFUDD
It wasn't all bad. My father had gifted me some land which was nice... while it lasted.
THE INTERVIEWER
While it lasted?
GRUFFUDD
(STRUGGLES HARD) It was eh... well, it got taken away from me again.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why was it taken from you?
GRUFFUDD
It's not important.
THE INTERVIEWER
Gruffudd?
GRUFFUDD
I'd rather not say.
THE INTERVIEWER
Gruffudd, I am a man of god, your secret is safe with me.
GRUFFUDD
Well, I don't suppose it really matters anymore does it! And it's not exactly a secret... just embarrassing.
Maladministration.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah.
GRUFFUDD
You see, apparently, I was too drunk, too much of the time.
THE INTERVIEWER
Hence the analogy of the alehouse and the serving wench.
GRUFFUDD
Well it's not as though I was drinking that much!
THE INTERVIEWER
Too much for your father's tastes.
GRUFFUDD
Oh he... he drank just as much as I did!
THE INTERVIEWER
Really?
GRUFFUDD
Who do you think I was drinking with?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh! Oh, I see! But then why did he...?
GRUFFUDD
Well alright... Alright. I suppose I couldn't handle my mead quite as well as he could. But I mean how could I? My father was a seasoned drinker. And let's just say that unlike my current situation here under King Henry III, King John's treatment of me when I was his prisoner was certainly not that of a "prisoner with benefits".
THE INTERVIEWER
No ale?
GRUFFUDD
No ale!
THE INTERVIEWER
So you weren't able to handle your drink upon your release?
GRUFFUDD
Well no, but that wasn't the only problem...
THE INTERVIEWER
What was the other problem?
GRUFFUDD
...I may have got a little too drunk one night on Irish Poitían... (FAST) and I may have tentatively agreed to start a rebellion against my half brother Dafydd.
THE INTERVIEWER
You didn't!
GRUFFUDD
I did. But It wasn't my idea, not really. You see I went with some of the lads to the local tavern one night, and the barkeep brought out a bottle of Poitían that his brother-in-law had brought back from Ireland. He seemed very excited to open it, and invited us to share it with him.
THE INTERVIEWER
That was generous of him.
GRUFFUDD
Oh wasn't it just...!
THE INTERVIEWER
There was an ulterior motive?
GRUFFUDD
There was indeed! I soon found out that the boys had been gathering supporters for me without my knowing. And after one too many glasses of Poitían, well... I started to shoot my mouth off, didn't I! Woke up next morning feeling as though I'd been hit over the head with a mace, only to discover that it wasn't a mace, it was the back of my Father's hand.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. He must have been furious.
GRUFFUDD
He was.
THE INTERVIEWER
And I presume that losing your lands to ‘maladministration’ was an easier story for King Henry to accept, than that of planning an uprising.
GRUFFUDD
Yes. Especially given the trouble that it took for my father to get Dafydd recognized by the new King Henry in the first place.
THE INTERVIEWER
Henry III didn't accept Dafydd as your father's heir?
GRUFFUDD
Well... Dafydd is Henry's nephew...
THE INTERVIEWER
And?
GRUFFUDD
King John had his nephew killed...
THE INTERVIEWER
Right... Right... not a very close family then.
GRUFFUDD
What family is?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, well, I would say that lots of families are close.
GRUFFUDD
Are they?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well... most families don't have a problem with nepoticide at any rate.
GRUFFUDD
Don't they?
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
GRUFFUDD
You sure?
THE INTERVIEWER
Quite sure.
(SHORT PAUSE)
GRUFFUDD
Well that's not my experience.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right! So, you lost your lands. Then what happened?
GRUFFUDD
Things were alright for a few years. My father even let me command a body of men into battle for him.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, how did that go?
GRUFFUDD
It could have gone better.
THE INTERVIEWER
How so?
GRUFFUDD
(STRUGGLES AGAIN) Oh, I may have actually started an uprising against my brother Dafydd.
THE INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTED) Again? Oh, Gruffudd!
GRUFFUDD
Well, it was the people you see. Seeing me on horseback kind of got their blood pumping.
THE INTERVIEWER
They wanted you as their leader.
GRUFFUDD
Well, yes, of course they did. And not, you understand, because they wanted me exactly...
THE INTERVIEWER
Why would you say that? Surely they did.
GRUFFUDD
No... no. They wanted what I symbolized.
THE INTERVIEWER
And what was that?
GRUFFUDD
Wales.
THE INTERVIEWER
Wales?
GRUFFUDD
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh... oh yes. I see.
GRUFFUDD
Dafydd has his followers, and as much as I dislike the little spit bucket, he's not all bad. There is a lot of my father in him which the people love. But...
THE INTERVIEWER
...there's a lot of his grandfather in him that the people don't love.
GRUFFUDD
Precisely. The people want a Welsh king. And my father was so close to achieving it.
(INTERVIEWER HUMS)
They don't want an heir to the English throne to be their Prince. We are our own people, and that's what my fellow countrymen saw when I lead them into battle. They saw Wales, standing up to their oppressors. When Dafydd rides into battle they see little more than a family squabble.
THE INTERVIEWER
The people were drawn to you. To what you represented.
GRUFFUDD
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
And it gave you a sense of pride?
GRUFFUDD
Of purpose.
THE INTERVIEWER
And your father? What did he say then?
GRUFFUDD
Oh... father...
THE INTERVIEWER
He must have been a little impressed? No?
GRUFFUDD
Oh he was very impressed.
THE INTERVIEWER
He was?
GRUFFUDD
Oh yes! The bastard locked me up!
THE INTERVIEWER
He what?
GRUFFUDD
Yep!
THE INTERVIEWER
Your own father?
GRUFFUDD
My own father.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well really!
GRUFFUDD
Said it was for my own good.
THE INTERVIEWER
And did it do any good?
GRUFFUDD
Helped Dafydd to grow in popularity. And to be honest, by the time he let me out again I'd kind of gone off the idea anyway.
INTERVIEWER
Right...
GRUFFUDD
Another ale, Father? Looks like you could do with a refill.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why, yes! I don't mind if I do.
(GRUFFUDD TAKES THE MUGS AND POURS ANOTHER TWO MUGS OF ALE)
So how long did your father lock you up for?
GRUFFUDD
Long enough to turn a decent bottle of Mead at any rate! Five... six years?
THE INTERVIEWER
And when you got out?
GRUFFUDD
I was given more land.
THE INTERVIEWER
More men to lead into battle too?
GRUFFUDD
(LAUGHS) no.
(GRUFFUDD COMES BACK AND HANDS THE INTERVIEWER HIS MUG)
GRUFFUDD
Here you are, Father.
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
(GRUFFUDD SITS DOWN)
THE INTERVIEWER
And so this here is your... third imprisonment?
GRUFFUDD
Fourth.
(DRINKS AND STOPS)
THE INTERVIEWER
Fourth! You mean there was another time between now and when your father imprisoned you?
GRUFFUDD
There was.
THE INTERVIEWER
Who?
GRUFFUDD
Someone who had been waiting for their chance for a very long time.
THE INTERVIEWER
Dafydd...!
GRUFFUDD
Dafydd!
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh this is going to be good!
GRUFFUDD
You see, in the years after my father released me, life was pretty good. My son, Llywelyn, was born the same year that my father had me imprisoned.
THE INTERVIEWER
Llywelyn?
GRUFFUDD
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
You named him after your father?
GRUFFUDD
I won't lie, it was a blatant attempt at mitigating my punishment, but alas...
THE INTERVIEWER
It didn't work.
GRUFFUDD
No. Then I had two more sons, Dafydd and Rhodri.
THE INTERVIEWER
Dafydd?
GRUFFUDD
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Another attempt at...?
GRUFFUDD
Another attempt at... yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
I see. Then what happened?
GRUFFUDD
Well father took a turn shortly after his wife died.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, a bad one?
GRUFFUDD
Very bad yes. It left him paralyzed, and Dafydd took over.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, I imagine that didn't go too well in your favor?
GRUFFUDD
No! It didn't take long before I was thrown back into prison. This time at Criccieth Castle.
THE INTERVIEWER
What was that like?
GRUFFUDD
My cell came with a sea view.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh lovely!
GRUFFUDD
Which meant that the cold west wind blew straight in through the arrow slits in the wall.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah!
GRUFFUDD
Father eventually died, Dafydd became ruler, and that was that for a time. Until King Henry III decided that Dafydd was no longer allowed to keep our father's conquests, and started to claim them for himself. Henry marched straight into Wales and overpowered Dafydd. Our men didn't stand a chance. So once again, a king of England demanded I accompany him. This time to the Tower of London.
THE INTERVIEWER
And you've been here ever since.
GRUFFUDD
I have.
THE INTERVIEWER
But why did Henry bother to take you?
GRUFFUDD
To use me against Dafydd, as a threat.
THE INTERVIEWER
How do you mean.
GRUFFUDD
Henry knows that given the chance the people would follow me. Dafydd knows that too.
THE INTERVIEWER
So either Dafydd remains in Wales, and loyal to the English crown... or he is replaced by the last person he wants to be replaced by.
GRUFFUDD
Correct.
THE INTERVIEWER
I have to admit, it's a clever move.
GRUFFUDD
Hmm!
THE INTERVIEWER
(POINTED) And during all this time, all the years you've been incarcerated, you've never thought of escape?
GRUFFUDD
Of course I have! I think about escape constantly. I nearly did once!
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, you did?
GRUFFUDD
I... oh... no, nothing.
THE INTERVIEWER
No, no, I’m intrigued, go on.
GRUFFUDD
I can't father. I'm sworn to secrecy.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, come now. You can tell me.
GRUFFUDD
No, really, please, let's change the subject.
THE INTERVIEWER
Alright, alright. But, uhm, (CLEARS THROAT) what if I told you that The Brotherhood of the Phoenix is no secret to me?
GRUFFUDD
How do you... where did you hear that name?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well. Perhaps your memory will improve once I remove my beard...
(THE INTERVIEWER REMOVES HIS BEARD. SOUNDS OF PAIN. CONFUSED GRUFFUDD)
Ah... ooh... oh that's better! I can move my face again.
GRUFFUDD
You! It’s you! You're!
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes. Yes, yes, it’s me. Hello!
GRUFFUDD
But you were supposed to...
THE INTERVIEWER
I told you I was here on unfinished business.
GRUFFUDD
But... I was-
THE INTERVIEWER
You will have to excuse the time it has taken for us to get to you. We were not prepared for King Henry's attack during your imprisonment at Criccieth Castle. We tried our best to speed up the process, but (SIGHS) we were not quick enough. We would have got to you sooner if we could. But the Tower of London is... very different to Criccieth Castle.
GRUFFUDD
(EMOTIONAL) You came for me...
THE INTERVIEWER
Of course we did.
GRUFFUDD
I thought you had forgotten about me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Forgotten you?
GRUFFUDD
I wouldn't have blamed you. I didn't blame you. I didn’t. I didn’t- I just- It's just.
(GRUFFUDD JUMPS AT THE INTERVIEWER AND EMBRACES HIM IN A BEAR HUG. THE INTERVIEWER IS GETTING SQUEEEEEEZED LIKE A LEMON)
You came!
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh... yes... well...
GRUFFUDD
(LETTING GO) Thank you! Thank you!!
THE INTERVIEWER
Don't mention it. The Brotherhood of the Phoenix always sees a job through to the end. We may wear false beards, but we do not make false promises.
GRUFFUDD
But how are you going to get me out of here? It's im-
THE INTERVIEWER
Nothing is impossible, Gruffudd. You won't even be the first person we've broken out of this place.
GRUFFUDD
What?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh yes! Ranulf Flambard, Bishop of Durham. Yes, we got him out using a rope smuggled to him in a gallon of wine. Used it to scale down the wall from the window.
GRUFFUDD
Ranulf...?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, unfortunately they check the wine these days, and the outer wall with it's towers is also new.
GRUFFUDD
But I know that story. That was over a hundred years ago. That couldn't have been you.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, uh, never mind that, we're here to talk about you!
GRUFFUDD
Right...
THE INTERVIEWER
Now, I am of course ashamed that it has taken us three years to work out a plan, but you see everything had to fall into place perfectly. We have only one shot to get this right. So I hope you don't mind, but we have taken the liberty of sorting out all the details ahead of time.
GRUFFUDD
Details?
THE INTERVIEWER
For your new life.
GRUFFUDD
Oh! But I thought I was going to be a fisherman on one of the northern isles of Scotland.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, that was the old plan!
GRUFFUDD
The old plan?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes.
GRUFFUDD
But I received accent training.
THE INTERVIEWER
You did.
GRUFFUDD
I studied fishing methods and learned the names of fish!
THE INTERVIEWER
Listen we really don't have time for this now. We have come up with a perfect solution, and I think you are going to love it...
GRUFFUDD
Hang on a minute!
THE INTERVIEWER
What?
GRUFFUDD
You already knew my story from last time!
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes?
GRUFFUDD
So why did you ask me to tell it to you again?!
THE INTERVIEWER
Because it's a fascinating story! And there is a lot of detail-
GRUFFUDD
But I'd already told you.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, but that was three years ago and it really is rather good...And very dense. So, you know, second time through. Very bit as exciting. Now do you want to hear my plan or not?
GRUFFUDD
(GIVES UP) ...I'm listening.
THE INTERVIEWER
Now... you like an alehouse?
GRUFFUDD
Love em!
THE INTERVIEWER
Good! How would you like to own one?
GRUFFUDD
Own one?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes.
GRUFFUDD
An alehouse?
THE INTERVIEWER
Your very own.
GRUFFUDD
Well I've never given it much thought.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well give it a thought right now.
GRUFFUDD
Right.
THE INTERVIEWER
But don't take too long.
GRUFFUDD
Oh, uh. So... So, I'd be pouring drinks?
THE INTERVIEWER
And serving food.
GRUFFUDD
And drinking too?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I believe that prerogative does come with the job, yes.
GRUFFUDD
And... talking to people?
THE INTERVIEWER
All day every day. So...? What do you say?
GRUFFUDD
Graah, I'm not sure I'm cut out for that sort of thing.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh poppycock! It's perfect!
GRUFFUDD
How so?
THE INTERVIEWER
Since I arrived, you've poured me two mugs of ale.
GRUFFUDD
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
The first upon arrival, noticing my need for one, and the second after having noticed that my mug was empty.
GRUFFUDD
People need to stay hydrated.
THE INTERVIEWER
You use drinking metaphors all the time.
GRUFFUDD
Who doesn't?
THE INTERVIEWER
You have a lot of experience in alehouses and taverns.
GRUFFUDD
Drinking!
THE INTERVIEWER
And you even said yourself... you have a knack for being able to tell a person's favorite drink.
GRUFFUDD
Well that's true...
THE INTERVIEWER
You're a natural! You're serving drinks already, without even noticing it.
GRUFFUDD
I... I suppose I am.
THE INTERVIEWER
You don't even need to study for this new life, Gruffudd... you are already more than prepared to step into it.
GRUFFUDD
You really think so?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, I know so!
GRUFFUDD
Well, I mean, if I'm being honest, it does sort of sound like a dream come true!
THE INTERVIEWER
Doesn't it!
GRUFFUDD
Yes! Yes it does! Alright, I'll do it!
(THEY HUSH EACH OTHER REMEMBERING THEY ARE, AFTER ALL, IN. A PRISON CELL.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Perfect! Haha... wonderful! Now then.
(THE INTERVIEWER STRUGGLES TO STAND UP. WE HEAR THE ROPE AROUND HIS WAIST BEING PULLED AND THE SOUND OF A LARGE BODY HITTING THE FLOOR)
(RELIEVED) Ahhhh... that's better. Oh I've lost all the feeling in my legs.
GRUFFUDD
Who in god's name is that!?
THE INTERVIEWER
That's Mr. Walter Wood. Your new identity. And your replacement corpse.
GRUFFUDD
(SHOOK) You mean to say you've had a dead man strapped to your body this whole time?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, and it was quite an inconvenience. It took me a full hour just to stop gagging at the smell.
GRUFFUDD
Well, I didn't want to say anything.
BEAT.
So what happened to him?
THE INTERVIEWER
Uhm... He dropped dead last night?
GRUFFUDD
Was it sudden?
THE INTERVIEWER
Very sudden yes.
GRUFFUDD
I see. But this man and I look nothing like each other.
THE INTERVIEWER
Your features are slightly different yes, but your clothes are the same size.
GRUFFUDD
That may well be, but people will never believe that I'm him.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well he did have a full beard until we shaved it off in preparation for tonight.
GRUFFUDD
I don't have a beard.
THE INTERVIEWER
You can have mine. That's one of the reasons I wore the beard in the first place. Just use this one until you have time to grow your own.
GRUFFUDD
But his face, the guards won't be fooled by this man!
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, we have a plan for that too.
GRUFFUDD
Oh?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes you see, in homage to our first escape, we thought we'd go for another attempt at scaling down the wall.
GRUFFUDD
You have a rope?
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
GRUFFUDD
Well how then?
THE INTERVIEWER
Being a "guest" of Henry III, you have been afforded many luxuries, correct?
GRUFFUDD
I suppose.
THE INTERVIEWER
Luxuries such as extra bedsheets for when it gets cold and a wardrobe of clothes.
GRUFFUDD
I have, yes. Are you cold?
(THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER AS GRUFFUDD OFFERS HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN)
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes! No! No I'm fine, thank you. We are going to tie as many sheets and items of clothing together as we can lay our hands on, in order to create a rope.
GRUFFUDD
(EXCITED) I see! Then I am going to climb out of the window and escape?
the Interviewer
No!
GRUFFUDD
No?
THE INTERVIEWER
No!
GRUFFUDD
Then how am I am going to escape if I don’t climb out the window...
THE INTERVIEWER
Listen carefully. We will create two sections of rope. One of which we will tie to your bedpost, and hang from the window.
GRUFFUDD
Right...
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
The other section will be in Mr. Woods hand as his body falls head first from the tower, dressed in your clothes. Upon impact with the ground, his face will become so unrecognizable that no one will question whether or not he is you.
GRUFFUDD
Uh-huh...
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Upon examining the evidence, the guards will reach the conclusion that one of the knots in the sheets came loose and he plummeted to... your death. Allowing you, Walter Wood, to head back to your alehouse "The Phoenix", and see to your patrons.
GRUFFUDD
The Phoenix?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes!
GRUFFUDD
Is it really called that...?
THE INTERVIEWER
No! It's currently called "The Cock" But it would be very easy to alter the cockerel image so that it looked like a phoenix.
GRUFFUDD
Why do I smell a strategy?
THE INTERVIEWER
Probably because you were raised by a brilliant strategist. You can read the signs.
GRUFFUDD
Alright... and why would I be changing the name of the alehouse to The Phoenix?
THE INTERVIEWER
Because you'd be working for us?
GRUFFUDD
Sorry?
THE INTERVIEWER
As a place for potential clients to come and be evaluated. A meeting place.
GRUFFUDD
Why?
THE INTERVIEWER
And your one job, is to not ask questions.
GRUFFUDD
So this would be...
THE INTERVIEWER
Payment.
GRUFFUDD
Right.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, you see, our old agreement no longer counts really, does it, as you no longer own any land, and probably couldn't convince your half-brother Dafydd to grant us the deeds in your stead?
GRUFFUDD
Probably not, no.
THE INTERVIEWER
No. So, in order to pay for our services, we ask simply for your cooperation from now on.
GRUFFUDD
My... allegiance?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, yes, if you will. So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?
GRUFFUDD
But what if the patrons notice that I'm not Mr. Wood?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh I wouldn't worry about that too much (CHUCKLES)
GRUFFUDD
Why not?
THE INTERVIEWER
Most of them will be too drunk to notice. And if anyone does raise suspicion, Mrs. Wood will be there to set them straight.
GRUFFUDD
There's a Mrs. Wood?!
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh yes! We have her to thank for the replacement corpse!
GRUFFUDD
What?!
THE INTERVIEWER
Nevermind. What do you say?
GRUFFUDD
Well... (STRUGGLES)
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I need an answer now, Gruffudd.
GRUFFUDD
(QUIETLY) I learned so many fish...
INTERVIEWER
I know.
(PAUSE)
GRUFFUDD
Alright!
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes?
GRUFFUDD
Yes!
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, now, that's the spirit! Your new life awaits. Now, this calls for a toast!
GRUFFUDD
Yes! Ah, let me top you up there first.
THE INTERVIEWER
Don't mind if I do!
GRUFFUDD
(POURING) There we are.
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
GRUFFUDD
No... thank you! Thank you for refusing to... be swept away behind me.
THE INTERVIEWER
You're most welcome, Gruffudd.
GRUFFUDD
Iechyd Da!
THE INTERVIEWER
Iechyd Da!
(HE SAYS IT WRONG. GRUFFUDD REPEATS, TEACHING)
GRUFFUDD
Iechyd Da... like a wave of the tongue. Just let it roll off.
INTERVIEWER
It’s a beautiful language.
GRUFFUDD
Ah, marvellous.
INTERVIEWER
Must brush up on it at some time...
Gruffudd
Iechyd Da!
The Interviewer
Iechyd Da!
(THEY CLINK ALE MUGS AND DRINK)
Oh! Right! Now! Let's get to work, shall we?
GRUFFUDD
Alright...!
(MUSIC)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Rhys Lawton as Gruffud, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox and Benjamin Noble as the Goaler.
The episode was written by Alan Burgon, with story editing by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, audio editing and direction by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
This show is only possible due to the support of listeners on Patreon and Apple Podcast Subscriptions. So thank you to all our patrons and paid subscribers without whom this show would disappear and reappear as a daily weather chat show, in which we review, rate and rant about the day’s weather.
Thank you to all our supporters, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s…
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And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
(GRUFFUDD AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE CORPSE TO THE WINDOW)
GRUFFUDD
Are you sure this is going to work?
THE INTERVIEWER
Trust me. Now, we just have to wait for Kyd to give the –
(BOOOOOOM!!! THEY BOTH STARTLE)
Signal.
(THE SOUNDS OF GUARDS SHOUTING AND RUNNING TO THE WALLS)
THE INTERVIEWER
Now!
(THEY HEAVE THE BODY OUT OF THE WINDOW. WE HEAR IT FALL TO THE GROUND. BOTH OUT OF BREATH)
THE INTERVIEWER
Perfect!
GRUFFUDD
What was that explosion?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, just a distraction.
GRUFFUDD
Did it work?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, I believe it did.
GRUFFUDD
Do you think the face is mangled enough?
THE INTERVIEWER
(LEANING OUT OF WINDOW)
Umm... Yes, well (LAUGHS) by the looks of things... we have nothing to worry about. Oh my...
GRUFFUDD
How so?
THE INTERVIEWER
The head appears to have disappeared inside the chest cavity.
GRUFFUDD
Oh my.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, who would’ve thought... Anyway, job done!
GRUFFUDD
But we're still here.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, we are.
GRUFFUDD
How do I get out?
THE INTERVIEWER
The same way he got in.
GRUFFUDD
I was afraid you were going to say that.
THE INTERVIEWER
In you go.
(GRUFFUDD CLIMBS IN AND IS TIED TO THE INTERVIEWER. THEY STRUGGLE)
GRUFFUDD
Oh it smells!
(STRUGGLE)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, sorry about that.
GRUFFUDD
Like the inside of an old stale wine barrel...
THE INTERVIEWER
I assure you that was him, not me.
(PULLING THE ROPES TIGHT)
Feel secure?
GRUFFUDD
That bit there, just a little bit...
(INTERVIEWER ADJUSTS)
INTERVIEWER
Alright, yes, is that better?
GRUFFUDD
Better.
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful. Now. Not a peep, you understand?
GRUFFUDD
I understand.
THE INTERVIEWER
Good.
(GUARD! I'M READY TO COME OUT NOW)
GRUFFUDD
MUFFLED
Wait! Don't you need the beard?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh! Good lord! The beard! Yes, pass it up quick!
(GRUFFUDD AND THE INTERVIEWER FUMBLE WITH THE BEARD. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS COMING UP THE STAIRS. THE DOOR OPENS AND THE INTERVIEWER WADDLES OUT IN A HURRY)
GAOLER
Everything alright in here?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes! Fine! But oh my! I heard a loud bang, what's going on?
GAOLER
Oh, nothing to worry about, Father. I'm sure it's under control.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well all the same, I'd like to get out of here as soon as I can. Loud noises make me nervous. Ah, well, good lord!
GAOLER
Right this way, Father.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, thank you, you are so kind.
(WE HEAR THE INTERVIEWER WALKING DOWN THE STEPS. GOALER ENTERS THE CELL)
Prince Gruffudd? Prince Gruffudd?
BEAT.
Oh no – oh no, the window is open! (SHOUTS) Alarm! Alarm!
Come quick, the window’s open, he must have fallen out a window! Quick, alarm! Can somebody come and help?
Oh, I’m gonna lose my job for this-
THE END.