PIP
This episode is dedicated to professional biscuit eater, IT man and super patron SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol whose sudden explosive death is the result of Am-Dram pyrotechnics gone wrong. He will join resident cybersecurity expert Nitali Arora, keeping The Amelia Project off the googly and fending off threats on the intraweb. You too can become a super patron by visiting ameliapodcast.com and clicking on support the show. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE: 26TH MARCH 1199, LIMOGES
THE BUSY CITY SQUARE OF LIMOGES. A TOWN CRIER GETS OUT A SCROLL.
TOWN CRIER
Ladies and gentlemen of Limoges!
(THE CROWD GOES SILENT. A SNORT AND A LAUGH)
I'm joking. Peasants and rabble!
(BOOING)
Listen up!
(CLEARING HIS THROAT)
Richard the Lionheart the first; King of England; Duke of Normandy, Lord of Cyprus and overlord of Brittany has been hit by the bolt of a crossbow!
(GASPS FROM THE CROWD)
But fear not! The mean and wicked and most treasonous culprit has been identified! His name is...! Oh, tsk, I lost my place... There it is. His name is... Dudo!
(TO HIMSELF, EXAMINING THE SCROLL)
Dudo? That can't be right... That's not a name! No, it says here: "Dudo". Dudo? Dudo…
Well - if anyone sees this villainous criminal, he is to be arrested on the spot and brought to Château de Châlus-Chabrol!
MID-APRIL 1199, OUTSIDE A BARN IN LIMOGES
(ARTHUR AND KOZLOWSKI WALK UP OUTSIDE THE PREMISES OF THE IMMORTAL MOLE RAT)
(THEIR OUTFITS CLANG AND CLANK - THEY'RE DRESSED IN FULL ARMOR. A LIGHT SPRING RAIN HITS THEIR ARMOR WITH SMALL METALLIC THUDS. THEIR VOICES SOUND METAL-LY FROM BEHIND THE VISOR)
INTERVIEWER
There's the barn.
KOZLOWSKI
A derelict barn.
INTERVIEWER
We're here.
KOZLOWSKI
Are you sure this is the right place?
INTERVIEWER
Look! See what's carved into the door!
(KOZLOWSKI OPENS HIS VISOR TO SEE BETTER)
KOZLOWSKI
"Le rat taupe immortel"... The Immortal Mole Rat.
(ARTHUR OPENS HIS VISOR TOO)
INTERVIEWER
There's a drawing carved into the door too. Yuck! What an ugly creature! Should be "Le rat taupe nu"...
KOZLOWSKI
The Naked Mole Rat.
INTERVIEWER
Haha. Yes. Why doesn't it have any hair?!
Well, anyway, that proves it. It's the same organization! And I am going to give them a piece of my mind! Copying our business idea?! Stealing our clients?!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, lay off. You wanted to come here to ask a favour. We will not get their help if we start a fight.
INTERVIEWER
But Khalidi! They have been copying us for centuries!
KOZLOWSKI
Exactly. It has been centuries since we last came across this name. They cannot be the same.
INTERVIEWER
You don't think?
KOZLOWSKI
It must be a coincidence.
INTERVIEWER
Coincidence? Another death faking agency centuries later also called "The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat"? Yes, that's quite the coinci-
KOZLOWSKI
It is just a regular barn with a regular drawing of an... irregular animal.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we'll soon find out, won't we.
KOZLOWSKI
I am not sure about this, Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
But we have to - !
KOZLOWSKI
I know we have to save the boy! (SIGHS) But even if The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat is in there, I do not see how turning up here will make any difference. Why would they help us save him?
INTERVIEWER
They might!
KOZLOWSKI
Also - ! I am very unsure about this disguise!
INTERVIEWER
What's wrong with your disguise?
KOZLOWSKI
It will not work.
INTERVIEWER
(PROTEST) The visor completely covers your phoenix tattoo. Which is normally very hard to miss...
KOZLOWSKI
That is not what I mean.
INTERVIEWER
You look dashing in armour.
KOZLOWSKI
I know- That is not my point either!
INTERVIEWER
Two knights wanting to disappear? Knights need to disappear all the time!
KOZLOWSKI
But why would we not show our faces?
INTERVIEWER
Because…. Of shame, maybe?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot move in this!
INTERVIEWER
Ah! So that's the complaint. Well, it's nonsense!
KOZLOWSKI
Nonsense? I am squeezed into a metal box - !
INTERVIEWER
A metal box that has joints! You can even spin around in it - look!
(THE INTERVIEWER SPINS AROUND - CLING, CLANG - AND ONLY STUMBLES A LITTLE BIT)
Well, I mean, with practice - see!
KOZLOWSKI
See?! I also cannot see anything from behind this visor!
INTERVIEWER
Relax. We won't wear the armour for long.
KOZLOWSKI
Then why do we have to wear it at all?
INTERVIEWER
Because I want to make sure we're in the right place. If you are right and this is just a regular barn and we meet a regular farmer, and I start harping on, then... Well, come on, then what!
KOZLOWSKI
...then we risk exposing the existence of death faking agencies. Yes, yes.
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Exactly! And we currently cannot afford to bribe the farmer into silence! The trip from Japan was very costly, and Bukōshōgendaizenmon's death was not as rewarding as we had hoped!
KOZLOWSKI
(THEY'VE BEEN OVER THIS BEFORE) Just call him Minamoto no Yoritomo.
INTERVIEWER
We should honour his Buddhist name! Besides, the amount of mon I had to spend on language lessons simply to learn to say Bukōshōgendaizenmon
KOZLOWSKI
- could have been spent on something more useful! Especially seeing as that name only lasted two days before we faked his death! Now he is called… What is it, I forget.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) Kevin.
So - keeping the costumes?
KOZLOWSKI
(GRUMBLING) Fine.
INTERVIEWER
Great! I've always wanted to be a knight! Ever since we lost Excalibur...
KOZLOWSKI
Shh! Let us enter.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh - visors down!
(THEY BOTH LOWER THEIR VISORS AND ENTER. KOZLOWSKI AUDIBLY STRUGGLES)
Come on. Move those knee-joints. There you go, that’s it. See? It’s easy!
KOZLOWSKI
It is too small!
INTERVIEWER
It is not too small, shush! Come on, be a knight!
(THEME TUNE: MEDIEVAL TOURNAMENT MUSIC VERSION OF THE THEME)
INTRO
The Amelia Project created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Alexander Danner.
Episode 82: Dudo. 1199
INTERVIEW.
INSIDE THE BARN.
(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI CLANG THEIR WAY INTO THE BARN)
KOZLOWSKI
(SOFTLY) There is no one here.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) There is! Over there!
KOZLOWSKI
Where?
INTERVIEWER
There! There's a man!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you know what I can see?
INTERVIEWER
No?
KOZLOWSKI
Bars of metal! This helmet is of a very stupid design, and I should like to design a better model -
MATHIEU
(FROM A BIT AWAY) Ah! Bonjour! Hello! Welcome strangers!
KOZLOWSKI
Good sir!
INTERVIEWER
Good day, sir.
THEY APPROACH.
MATHIEU
Take those off, s'il vous plait. I can't see your faces.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. That is by intent. Do you mind if we keep our visors down?
MATHIEU
Do you mind if I throw daggers?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
MATHIEU
Helps me think.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
(MATHIEU THROWS A DAGGER. IT THWACKS INTO THE WALL, AND FALLS DOWN ON THE FLOOR)
MATHIEU
Bulls eye!
INTERVIEWER
Uhhhm...
MATHIEU
Just where I intended it to go! See that midge over there?
KOZLOWSKI
(MISERABLE) From inside of this helmet? I cannot see anything.
INTERVIEWER
(TO KOZLOWSKI) Shush!
(ANOTHER THWACK OF A DAGGER. IT ALSO FALLS TO THE FLOOR)
MATEO
Wow! I hit it. I hit it, I did!
INTERVIEWER
You did?
KOZLOWSKI
Congratulations.
MATHIEU
Thank you. Now. Your turn to impress me.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
MATHIEU
You're here for the tournament, are you not? So, show me your skills!
INTERVIEWER
Tournament?
MATHIEU
Yeah. Tournement. The Limoges Tornoi de Printemps! Jousting, melee, pageantry, shooting apples off heads! This will be the greatest tournament Limoges has ever seen. And I am sure that is why you are here, no? Because why else would two knights turn up in Limoges? Right?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, in fact we...
INTERVIEWER
That is why we're here!
KOZLOWSKI
Uh -
MATHIEU
Excellent! Well, in that case, show me your skills!
INTERVIEWER
But of course!
MATHIEU
In jousting!
INTERVIEWER
In jousting. Yes.
MATHIEU
In jousting!
INTERVIEWER
Haha.
KOZLOWSKI
... Jousting?
MATHIEU
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
We could just... eh.. parade? Pageantry is sort of our speciality...
MATHIEU
Uh, no. I want to see jousting!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! We could do some fencing?
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) We do not know how to fence!
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) But I've always wanted to learn! And shhh! We're knights!
KOZLOWSKI
(STRUGGLES) How about displaying our eminent skills in chivalry? Like... compliments! We give compliments like you have never heard!
(OVERLAPPING THIS, THERE ARE SOME PLEASED MATHIEU SOUNDS)
(HE STARTS) Oh sir, your amber hair serves as a golden crown on your magnificently round head-
MATHIEU
That’s very kind of you. Stop, stop. Flattery will get you everywhere.
(HE INTERRUPTS KOZLOWSKI’S ATTEMPTS AT YET MORE CHIVALRY)
Ah, no. Joust, knights! Joust, I say!
INTERVIEWER
Come on! Let's joust!
KOZLOWSKI
I am so sorry, but we left our horses back at the tavern, so I am afraid we cannot joust at this time-
MATHIEU
No problem! I have two splendid horses right over here. Crême de la Crême et Couleur de Caca! Ici!
(TWO HORSES NEIGH AND TROT LAZILY OVER TO MATHIEU)
INTERVIEWER
Such fine steeds!
KOZLOWSKI
But... Arthur! We do not have our lances! They were so long and cumbersome we left them at home -
MATHIEU
I’m gonna stop you right there. You don't think a tournament organizer has a couple of spare lances lying around?
INTERVIEWER
Haha, yes of course you do!
KOZLOWSKI
(ANNOYED) Arthur….
MATHIEU
Ah, no, no, I don't actually, they all broke last tournament. Just checking here…But! I have a rake and a broom. Grab those!
(THE INTERVIEWER FINDS THE RAKE AND THE BROOM)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, a rake and a broom! These?
MATHIEU
Excellent! Now mount!
KOZLOWSKI
Is there no other choice?
MATHIEU
No!
INTERVIEWER
No!
They mount the two horses.
INTERVIEWER & KOZLOWSKI
Hngh!
MATHIEU
Giant over there, stick man over there!
(THEY STRUGGLE ONTO THEIR HORSES)
KOZLOWSKI
Should we be doing this inside?
(THE HORSES TROT TO SEPARATE ENDS OF THE BARN)
KOZLOWSKI
We do not have much space!
MATHIEU
Ready? Set! Oh, I'm looking forward to this!
KOZLOWSKI
Why did I have to get the broom? I want a rake too! I want a rake!
MATHIEU
GO!
(THE HORSES SET OFF AT A SURPRISING PACE. JUST METAL CLATTERING AUDIBLE)
(THE TWO OF THEM CRASH TOGETHER SPECTACULARLY: THEIR "WEAPONS" BREAK, THEY FALL OFF THE HORSES, HORSES NEIGHING AND SCREAMING, PARTS OF THEIR ARMOR FLYING EVERYWHERE AND THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI LAND IN A PILE ON THE FLOOR. THEY BOTH GROAN)
(MATHIEU LAUGHS LIKE A MANIAC)
MATHIEU
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA! You are so bad at this! That’s the funniest thing I have ever seen!
INTERVIEWER
Who won?
MATHIEU
Does it matter ?
INTERVIEWER
Did I win?
MATHIEU
We all won. (SIGHS) Deep breaths, alright. Thank you. Thank you for that. You two – you’re not knights are you?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, my helmet – oh, our helmets! They have fallen off! Where are they?
(THE INTERVIEWER SCRAMBLES AROUND FOR THE HELMETS BUT STOPS)
KOZLOWSKI
Never mind. He has already seen our faces.
MATHIEU
If you are not knights... why are you here?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur...
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUS) Well. We may be here on other business. We are in fact looking for...
MATHIEU
Yes...?
INTERVIEWER
IN HUSHED TONES
The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat!
MATHIEU
(OFFENDED) The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
MATHIEU
Never heard of it.
INTERVIEWER
No?
MATHIEU
Nope.
KOZLOWSKI
I guess we should move on then -
MATHIEU
However! If you happened to be looking for The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat... just maybe… maybe I could help you!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that's who we're here for! Yes! The Brotherhood of the Immortal Naked Mole Rat!
MATHIEU
Just- it is just Immortal.
INTERVIEWER
It has clothes?
MATHIEU
Hey. Just. Immortal.
INTERVIEWER
Just immortal.
KOZLOWSKI
(TO HIMSELF, SARCASTIC) We are off to a great start, are we…
MATHIEU
In that case... Bienvenue á la confrérie du rat taupe immortel! We are the best in the business!
INTERVIEWER
(THE MOST GRUMBLING CHUCKLE TO EVER EXIST IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE)
MATHIEU
My name is Mathieu, and I will be your interviewer today! But please note: We only accept the most exclusive cases! Lords with a price on their heads!
(THWACK OF A DAGGER. IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Duck!
KOZLOWSKI
Here go the daggers again...
MATHIEU
Monarchs on the run!
(THWACK. FALL)
Bakers accidentally burning down towns!
(CLANG)
INTERVIEWER
Ow! You hit me!
MATHIEU
You're wearing armor.
INTERVIEWER
Barely!
MATHIEU
Alchemists escaping their own inventions!
(THWACK. AS IT FLIES PAST, MATHIEU'S KNIFE GRAZES THE HORSE. THE HORSE NEIGHS IN FEAR)
KOZLOWSKI
Watch the horse!
INTERVIEWER
Careful!
MATHIEU
Oops! Sorry, sorry! Priests tired of... priesting! We are an exclusive, boutique service of death and new life!
INTERVIEWER
Then we’ve come to the right place.
MATHIEU
Please - tell me. How would you like to die?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, we don't.
MATHIEU
You don't want to die.
INTERVIEWER & Kozlowski
No.
MATHIEU
No?
INTERVIEWER
No.
MATHIEU
No?
INTERVIEWER
No.
MATHIEU
No… Huh. Then why are you here?
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
MATHIEU
Should I... Should I know you?
INTERVIEWER
Look closer.
MATHIEU
At what?
INTERVIEWER
At our foreheads maybe...
MATHIEU
Okay. You have pimples and those wrinkles aren’t doing you any favours…
INTERVIEWER
No, not my forehead!
MATHIEU
Okay, oh, I see. His tattoo. I see the tattoo, okay, I see it.
INTERVIEWER
Now you've got it!
MATHIEU
(DISAPPOINTED)
It's you. I have heard speak of you. The giant with the chicken on his head. The smaller one with the stupid smile.
KOZLOWSKI
(OFFENDED) Chicken? It is a - !
INTERVIEWER
(EQUALLY OFFENDED) Stupid - ?
MATHIEU
Babababab! I know who you are! You specialize in flamboyance. Which is pretty stupid for a secret organisation, don’t you think?
INTERVIEWER
Without flair, what's the point?
MATHIEU
I use the word "specialize" generously. You were recently spotted by a monk digging up a guy in Hornsey Cemetery then driving him off on a potato cart.
KOZLOWSKI
It will surprise you how long a human can survive in a casket if you supply him with a flask of water and some biscuits.
MATHIEU
Burying someone alive? (SCOFFS) Inhumane!
INTERVIEWER
He was in there for less than a day!
MATHIEU
And then someone saw you! Amateurs!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well - we've heard about you too! And we are not so impressed with your latest death.
MATHIEU
I mean, I can- even keep track of them all. I mean, which death are you thinking about?
INTERVIEWER
Richard Lionheart.
MATHIEU
(SCOFFS) Come on. You are not impressed by the death of Richard Lionheart? It’s some of my best work and frankly-
INTERVIEWER
No, nono. In fact, we are appalled.
MATHIEU
Appalled?
Utterly appalled.
MATHIEU
You must be joking! The death of Richard Lionheart is one of my best!
INTERVIEWER
What exactly are you so happy with? A bolt wound? It’s nothing special!
MATHIEU
Ach, to the untrained eye, it may just be a bolt wound. But I assure you, it is so much more than that.
INTERVIEWER
Oh well. Pray, tell!
MATHIEU
Gladly.
Three weeks ago, Richard Lionheart was hit in the shoulder by a crossbow bolt whilst besieging Château de Chalus-Chabrol. The wound wasn't lethal... at first! But it turned gangrenous! And, lying on his deathbed, Richard asked to have the crossbowman brought before him.
KOZLOWSKI
Dudo.
INTERVIEWER
The boy.
MATHIEU
Son of the master at Chalus-Chabrol.
INTERVIEWER
Whose father and two brothers Richard had murdered when he took the castle.
MATHIEU
Yeah, whatever. And there he was... a boy no older than eleven! Standing by the death bed of King Richard, the man with a lion's heart! Admitting that yes, seeing his family killed had filled him with such anger! And in a blind rage he had grabbed his father's crossbow and fired at the king!
So why had Richard called for him? To his own death bed? Was it so that he could kill him with his own hands before he, you know, shuffled off this mortal coil? Get the revenge he deserved? Uh-uh! In a final act of mercy, Richard forgives the boy! (QUOTES) "Live on, and by my bounty behold the light of day", he says! Yeah! Then, he orders the boy freed, and sends him away with one hundred shillings!
A few days later, Richard draws his last breath in the arms of his dear old mother! I’m tearing up just thinking about it. It’s beautiful, isn't it?
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, we have some issues with it.
MATHIEU
Why? Wish it was your success?
INTERVIEWER
No.
MATHIEU
Then what? Actually, how did you know Richard's death was faked at all?
INTERVIEWER
Because Richard Lionheart asked us first.
MATHIEU
Say what? He asked you first? Nonsense!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you don’t believe me?
MATHIEU
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, we can prove it. Khalidi!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. Now, where is it...
(STRUGGLING TO FIND THE LETTER INSIDE HIS ARMOR)
Argh, I do not like wearing metal...! Where is it?
INTERVIEWER
Just a little bit more.
(KOZLOWSKI PULLS OUT A SCROLL FROM HIS ARMOR)
KOZLOWSKI
There.
INTERVIEWER
We got a letter. A miracle that it reached us, really.
MATHIEU
Read it!
(LETTER UNFOLDS)
KOZLOWSKI
"Dear Brotherhood of the Phoenix. I am on my way to suppress a revolt by Viscount Aimar V of Limoges. Although it will be Lent by the time I arrive, I will devastate the Viscount's land with fire and sword. Then I shall besiege Château de Chalus-Chabrol."
INTERVIEWER
Which we thought was conspicuous. Why besiege a tiny, virtually unarmed castle? But then he writes...
KOZLOWSKI
"It is a pathetic castle - "
MATHIEU
(LAUGHS) It is!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
"- and the Viscount's revolt would dissolve by itself was I to do nought. Without someone to dress him in the morning, the Viscount would not be able to organize his trousers, so they did not end up on his head. No, the real reason I am going to Limoges is not for the revolt. It is because I have been told the local rabble who reside at Château de Chalus-Chabrol have uncovered a treasure of Roman gold buried on their land. A treasure so great, I could live in luxury for the rest of my life. I would never have to lift a finger. In truth, I am tired of lifting my finger, never mind my sword. I have been a knight and a warrior for so long, my body is aching. I feel old age coming on!"
MATHIEU
(CONSIDERS) He really is an old man.
INTERVIEWER
How old is he?
MATHIEU
42!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, 42, that is...
MATHIEU
One foot in the grave…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Very old.
KOZLOWSKI
"I am tired, and I would like for this to be my last adventure. I want to leave Lionheart behind and become another man. I have been told you are the kind of people who could make it so."
INTERVIEWER
And there's his signature. Look!
MATHIEU
Let me see that. Huh. It’s a little picture of a lion.
INTERVIEWER
Royal Seal.
MATHIEU
(SIGHS) So why did you not take the case?
INTERVIEWER
We were going to! We just didn't make it on time.
MATHIEU
You lingered?
INTERVIEWER
We didn't linger! We were in Japan!
MATHIEU
Ja-what? Where the hell is that?
INTERVIEWER
We set off immediately, but on our way back we had to make a short stop in Sweden to help Queen Benedicta Ebbesdotter of Hvide die from a horrible disease. Then we suffered a tiny little storm on the Baltic Sea, a highway robbery in Pomerania, got embroiled in a salacious affair in Bohemia - Did you know, by the way, the Bohemians are really not that bohemian when it comes down to it! "She asked me to do it!" I said, but her husband wouldn't have any of it!
Anyhow! By the time we managed to flee to Limoges, the impatient bastard's already gone ahead and died!
KOZLOWSKI
When we found that Richard Lionheart was already dead, now, it was easy enough to put two and two together. We asked the right people the right questions...
INTERVIEWER
...and here we are!
MATHIEU
Here you are to express your jealousy? Pathetic. But alright. Okay. Message received!
INTERVIEWER
What? We are not jealous. We have complaints.
MATHIEU
Sorry, but not sorry, that I got here before you. Now, you know who is taking your clients! Your inevitable demise has got a face - this one.
(KISSES THE AIR)
Now piss off.
INTERVIEWER
We're not angry you took our client. We were having the time of our lives in Bohemia!
You know, the Bohemians do get really bohemian once the lights are out... That husband! Oooohhh...
No, we're angry what a sham you've made of it!
MATHIEU
Sham?!
INTERVIEWER
A disgrace to our profession!
MATHIEU
Yeah, I know what a sham is! (SPLUTTERS) Our profession? Two minutes ago, you thought you were the only ones doing this!
INTERVIEWER
And at that point it was real easy being the best in the business!
MATHIEU
You're not the best in the business! We are the best in the business!
INTERVIEWER
Uh, we are!
MATHIEU
No! We are!
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) Boys…
INTERVIEWER
No! We are!
MATHIEU
No! We are!
(THEY ARE CAUTIOUSLY INTERRUPTED BY KOZLOWSKI)
KOZLOWSKI
(SOFT) What my friend wants to express is...
INTERVIEWER
(HEATED)- that we disapprove of the treatment of the boy!
MATHIEU
Richard is hardly a boy, he's an old man of 42 and like I said, one foot in the grave, so I would really-
INTERVIEWER
The boy! The boy whom you framed for killing Richard! Dudo, dumbo!
MATHIEU
(IT TAKES A MOMENT) Oh. Him. The traitor with the funny name. "Du-do".
INTERVIEWER
The boy is no traitor. He didn't shoot Lionheart. He is eleven years old. Poor Dudo hid in a pigsty, shivering with fear, hoping he wouldn't face the fate of his father and brothers! It was you who told him to admit to the murder! You coerced him! Threatened him!
MATHIEU
So what?
INTERVIEWER
You framed an innocent child!
MATHIEU
Bah! I did him a favour! Didn't you hear the part where Lionheart pardoned him? We sent him off with a hundred shillings!
INTERVIEWER
A hundred shillings stolen from his own inheritance! A treasure of Roman gold!
MATHIEU
Richard wanted to be remembered as chivalrous and merciful king, you know? Killed by a child, then pardoning his killer... What a story!
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) You call that a story…
KOZLOWSKI
Distracting from the fact that Lionheart was a tyrant and a mass murderer.
MATHIEU
Yeah! Duh! The boy will be a hero among the locals for having killed Lionheart, a legend even! Already now they are singing: "The mighty lion by the ant was slain!" – I am not a song guy but you will get the idea - Dudo will do just fine. God it's a silly name, though isn't it... Dudo! (HE PLAYS WITH IT)
INTERVIEWER
The thing is, he will not do fine. Now that Richard is gone, Richard cannot protect the boy anymore.
MATHIEU
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Mercadier!
MATHIEU
I don’t- Gesundheit?
INTERVIEWER
MERCADIER!
MATHIEU
I don't... I don’t know who that is.
INTERVIEWER
You don't know? Mercadier, captain Mercadier! The famous mercenary!
MATHIEU
I may have heard of him...
INTERVIEWER
Ah, you may have heard of him?! Well, he has taken it upon himself to revenge the death of Richard Lionheart!
KOZLOWSKI
Pardon or no pardon, he swore to have the boy killed.
MATHIEU
Oh yeah, yeah, right, I heard talk of that.
INTERVIEWER
He put a price on the boy's head! The whole town went looking for him! He was captured this morning.
KOZLOWSKI
Tomorrow, he will be killed for a murder he did not commit, the murder of man who is not even dead.
MATHIEU
If you want to make an omelette, you gott steal a chicken, know what I mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Steal a chicken?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean "if you want to make an omelette"?
MATHIEU
Oh, nothing.
INTERVIEWER
Did you -
MATHIEU
It was just a metaphor.
INTERVIEWER
A metaphor for what?
MATHIEU
Nothing! Just a non-sequitur!
INTERVIEWER
I knew it! You knew full well that Mercadier was planning to kill the boy!
MATHIEU
OK, fine! You got me! The boy knows too much! He’s gotta go!
INTERVIEWER
Mercadier is acting on your orders!
MATHIEU
(LAUGHS) That’s where you’re wrong because Mercadier doesn't follow anyone's orders but his own.
KOZLOWSKI
Call it off. Save the boy. Please. Save the boy.
MATHIEU
Listen. That can't be done. And not because I couldn't be persuaded if there were enough shillings in the purse... No, it’s uh, because it is out of my hands.
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
MATHIEU
Because Mercadier doesn't know about Richard's death being faked. Now. Mercadier? Oh, he's a vengeful, overexcitable psychopath, no doubt about it! Phew! And once he smells blood... It’s lights out. Imagine if I tried calling it off. He would get suspicious. It could turn him against me! We don't want that. I don’t want that.
KOZLOWSKI
I can think of an eleven year old who would prefer it that way.
MATHIEU
(SHRUGS) Meh.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. (CALMLY) Mathieu! It is Mathieu, isn't it?
MATHIEU
It is.
INTERVIEWER
(HE IS SO TRYING) Mathieu. Have you no heart? The boy is innocent!
MATHIEU
If this boy is so important to you, why don't you just fake his death….
Oh…
INTERVIEWER
(SOUND)
MATHIEU
I hear it now. Right. Right, I see. I see it now. Of course. I should’ve seen it right away... That's what you're doing.
INTERVIEWER
Well. One death faker to another: We need to know how Mercadier is planning to kill the boy. Then we can intercept it and fake it.
MATHIEU
And what do I get in return?
INTERVIEWER
Peace of mind!
MATHIEU
Nah. Naah. Doesn't do it for me.
INTERVIEWER
The address of a whole lot of free-spirited Bohemians?
MATHIEU
No, I already know that address. And it's: Bohemia.
INTERVIEWER
Money...? We don't have any right now, but we can write you an "I Owe You" -
MATHIEU
Gah, please.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, come on!
MATHIEU
You have nothing I want! Now piss off. I have a tournament to plan, and a death by jousting to fake. A lady in the front row will be speared by a wayward lance. I wish you could stick around to see it because it will be spectacular.
INTERVIEWER
(DISTRACTED) Well, yes, so do I, because that- that does actually sound rather spectacular-
MATHIEU
Thank you very much
INTERVIEWER
(FOCUSED AGAIN) No, no! A child's life is at stake here! There must be SOMETHING we can offer you!
(MATHIEU DOESN'T ANSWER)
KOZLOWSKI
Mathieu. Excuse us for a moment.
MATHIEU
Please.
(KOZLOWSKI AND ARTHUR HUDDLE IN A CORNER)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, we should just leave.
INTERVIEWER
But - !
KOZLOWSKI
I told you this was pointless. There is no reasoning with a man like him. You are trying to appeal to the better side of a man who... has no better side.
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Yes, yes. You are right. Why did I ever think this would work?
(GRADUALLY GETTING LOUDER WITHOUT THINKING) I should never have been so foolish. What am I doing? Asking for help from a shoddy, half-arsed, spineless, self-serving copycat!?!
MATHIEU
I'm sorry... I was eavesdropping and did you say "copycat"?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
No –
INTERVIEWER
Yes, very loudly!
MATHIEU
And what is that even!
INTERVIEWER
A cat that... mimics other cats!
MATHIEU
That’s- cats don’t do that- maybe... a monkey does that…
INTERVIEWER
Well, straight from the monkey’s mouth!
MATHIEU
You are calling me a monkey?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that was what I was calling you. I am calling you- well actually, you know what? I am calling you an ugly naked mole rat who has stolen our business idea!
KOZLOWSKI
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) We said not to pick a fight -
INTERVIEWER
TO KOZLOWSKI
Well, it hardly matters now, does it?
TO MATHIEU
Copycat!
MATHIEU
(LAUGHS) What - I'm copying you? Now that's rich. I will have you know, The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat -
INTERVIEWER
Naked mole rat-
MATHIEU
Has been around-
INTERVIEWER
Naked.
MATHIEU
Immortal! Mole rat! Has been around for centuries! My father was a death faker, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his grandfather before him, okay.
KOZLOWSKI
You mean father.
MATHIEU
No, his father was an onion-seller and a part-time onion-taster. But his grandfather, and his grandfather's father, and his father again and his father again! The Glascote lineage traces all the way back to my great-great-great-great-times forty or something-grandfather! So, there can be no doubt, you have stolen our business model!
KOZLOWSKI
(DISAPPOINTED, SIGHS) It is the same brotherhood...
INTERVIEWER
(TO KOZLOWSKI) See, I told you!
TO MATHIEU
Well, we can still disprove that you were first!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, there is no point...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I have a point! In fact, we can prove that not only was The Brotherhood of the Phoenix around before the first Glascote ever faked a death -
MATHIEU
You also have a lineage?
INTERVIEWER
- we can also prove you stole our name!
MATHIEU
You're also called Glascote?
INTERVIEWER
Not on your life! But you call yourself a "brotherhood"! Why? You're not a brotherhood! You're a family!
MATHIEU
Families have brothers.
INTERVIEWER
How many brothers do you have?
MATHIEU
One sister, but I don’t see why that’s important…
INTERVIEWER
Also, your name is ridiculous. The Brotherhood of the Phoenix - now that is a proud and beautiful name! It is poetic and symbolic! But The Brotherhood of the Naked -
MATHIEU
IMMORTAL! Immortal! Immortal!!!!
INTERVIEWER
- Mole Rat? I mean...!
MATHIEU
The mole rat - I'll have you know - is a real creature. Unlike your stupid phoenix, which only exists in stories and keeps coming back-
KOZLOWSKI
(OFFENDED GASP, HE IS SO UPSET) Well! That is not actually correct-
INTERVIEWER
Khalidi.
KOZLOWSKI
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
MATHIEU
The mole rat is an actual animal which lives forever!
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) Surely it doesn't.
MATHIEU
It does! It simply goes on and on and on! Like this conversation! Which makes it a poetic and symbolic and proud and beautiful emblem for a death faking business!
KOZLOWSKI
I have seen this animal once.
MATHIEU
You have?
INTERVIEWER (AT THE SAME TIME)
You have?
KOZLOWSKI
It is very rare. Lives in secret, underground...
INTERVIEWER
In the dirt…
MATHIEU
And that makes it a fitting emblem for a death faking business!
KOZLOWSKI
It is very ugly.
MATHIEU
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
It has no fur. Which is of course why it is known as the naked mole rat –
INTERVIEWER
Naked mole rat…
MATHIEU
I know the goddamn rat is naked! Okay! I know! We all know! But the brotherhood is called immortal! Immortal!
KOZLOWSKI
- and it is in fact not immortal.
MATHIEU
Really?
KOZLOWSKI
It is true that they do not seem to age. They do not get decrepit or sick. But they do have one known cause of death.
MATHIEU
And what is that?
KOZLOWSKI
Violence. More specifically, in-species rivalry. Clans of mole rats attack each other over territory. In other words, the only thing known to kill a mole rat is... the mole rat. Which I suppose makes it a fitting emblem for-
MATHIEU
(EXCITED) A death faking agency!
KOZLOWSKI
-stupidity.
MATHIEU
Are you calling me stupid?
KOZLOWSKI
I was simply remarking on the symbolic value of the mole rat.
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY TO KOZLOWSKI) So we are picking a fight now?
KOZLOWSKI
(SOFTLY TO ARTHUR) He called phoenixes stupid.
INTERVIEWER
Right!!!
MATHIEU
So... your brotherhood is also old?
INTERVIEWER
Oh. It is.
MATHIEU
Ancient?
INTERVIEWER
I'd say so, yes.
MATHIEU
(SCOFFS) Perhaps. What do I know. What I do know is the difference between quality and... whatever it is you are doing.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Oh, believe me. We provide services of the utmost quality!
MATHIEU
Really?
INTERVIEWER
We can prove that too!
MATHIEU
Okay, how?
INTERVIEWER
Let's compare notes! We list one of our fake deaths, you list one of yours, we work our way back through time pointing out highlights, and in the end, we see who has got the more impressive list!
MATHIEU
Okay! Good! Fine! Sure! Yes! Let's! You start.
INTERVIEWER
Gladly. 1021. Al-Ḥākim bi-Amr Allāh the sixth Fatimid caliph and 16th Ismaili imam! Went nightriding, but only his donkey returned...
MATHIEU
DDF?
INTERVIEWER
What?
MATHIEU
DDF. Distinguishing Death Feature.
INTERVIEWER
DD- Distinguishing Death Feature? Uhm... Well... The donkey looked sad!
MATHIEU
Hm... 1016. Edmund Ironside!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you mean "Edmund the Unready"?
MATHIEU
DDF: Stabbed in the bottom by a Viking hiding in a toilet! Classic.
INTERVIEWER
(SHIVERS) Oh yes, I heard about that, and afterwards I held it in for weeks! Bought myself a poking stick! To check the toilet hole. Sneaky Vikings...
MATHIEU
Next!
KOZLOWSKI
Caliphs and kings aside, let us mention one of our most impressive disappearances! Not one man alone, but 5500 men!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes! Year 108: The Ninth Roman Legion! Vanished without a trace!
MATHIEU
(TRYING TO HIDE THAT HE IS IMPRESSED) The Ninth Roman Legion... that was you? Alright, well... DDF!
KOZLOWSKI
DDF? You want a DDF? I will give you a DDF! They never existed.
MATHIEU
What?! The ninth?
INTERVIEWER
Emperor Trajan wanted to be declared Optimus princeps by his senate. He needed his army to be bigger than his predecessor's. Or... to have been bigger!
MATHIEU
So... you didn't fake anyone's death?
INTERVIEWER
Nope!
MATHIEU
You just made up a fake legion? Come on, that's cheating!
INTERVIEWER
It is not!
MATHIEU
Talking about the Roman Empire, let me counter your fake legion with our real league: From 200 BC to 300 AD The Brotherhood of the Naked - Immortal! I mean immortal!-
INTERVIEWER
(SATISFIED LAUGH) I was hoping this would stick-
MATHIEU
Immortal Mole Rat had a standing order with the Roman League of Apothecaries!
INTERVIEWER
Apothecaries?
MATHIEU
Hm! Dangerous profession. High mortality rate. A lot of accidental poisonings.
KOZLOWSKI
(UNIMPRESSED) Oh, darling Mathieu. Once you have seen one poisoning, you have seen them all.
MATHIEU
I'll have you know, our purple boils are a proud family secret!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you use Bishop's Bark?
MATHIEU
(SHOOK) How did you know?!
INTERVIEWER
44 BC. A certain mister J... Caesar!
MATHIEU
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Really.
MATHIEU
Okay... DDF?
INTERVIEWER
Oh for this one, it's his new life I'm most proud of.
MATHIEU
Which was?
INTERVIEWER
After his assassination, we moved Caesar to a small palazzo in Greece where he opened a health food restaurant and was able to concentrate on his real passion: salads.
MATHIEU
(DESPERATE TO MATCH CAESAR) Uh, okay, how about, uh, here we are: 30 BC - Cleopatra!
KOZLOWSKI
Cleopatra?
(INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
MATHIEU
Yes! Cleopatra!
KOZLOWSKI
But we faked Cleopatra's death.
MATHIEU
(SWEATING) You did...?
INTERVIEWER
We did.
KOZLOWSKI
(OFFENDED) You just made that one up!
MATHIEU
Fine! I lied!
INTERVIEWER
Now who’s a cheat?
MATHIEU
But I did it because you cheated first with that legion!
INTERVIEWER
Oh please!
KOZLOWSKI
May I remind you we have not set down rules for this game.
INTERVIEWER
Our turn! Heraclitus! 480 BC. Oh, you’re going like this one! The weeping philosopher!
MATHIEU
Never heard of him.
KOZLOWSKI
He was also known as Heraclitus the Obscure...
MATHIEU
Distinguishing Death Feature?
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Covered himself in a layer of cow dung!
MATHIEU
Ugh! Why?
KOZLOWSKI
(ALSO CHUCKLES) For comfort and healing.
MATHIEU
Cow dung?
KOZLOWSKI
It hardened in the sun until he could not escape. His screams attracted a pack of wild dogs who mauled him to death.
MATHIEU
(WINCHES) Iiiih! This is a death you are proud of?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
MATHIEU
Cow dung? Gross!
INTERVIEWER
Unique! Do you have any more deaths to claim?
MATHIEU
After cow dung I don't think I need to!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it's clear cut isn't it! We have brought forward sufficient proof that we are death fakers of such incredible quality we easily surpass the Brotherhood of the lesser-clad Mole Rat!
MATHIEU
No, I think not! Not after Cow-dung! I think cow-dung is gonna do it.
INTERVIEWER
Oh really! Arse-stabbing vikings!
MATHIEU
Yea-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-that’s the way you want to go, is it?
(OVERLAPPING) You think that’s better than cow-dung?
MATHIEU (PROTESTING OVER INTERVIEWER)
You know how long he was hiding in that toilet?
(INCOMPREHENSIBLE OVERLAPPING FIGHT)
MATHIEU
Okay!
INTERVIEWER
-dreadlocks in his beard! Stabby stabby!
MATHIEU
Alright, we both have deaths on record that involve being covered in poop! So what?
INTERVIEWER
Well ours was cow poop, not human poop!
KOZLOWSKI
INTERRUPTING
Please, please, honourable gentlemen, please calm down. We seem to have arrived at an impasse.
INTERVIEWER
But we need to crown a winner!
MATHIEU
Yes! We do!
INTERVIEWER
I will have not have this clown with his pooh-vikings walking around claiming that he is the best in the business!
MATHIEU
And I will not accept that monsieur cow dung over here flaunts "best in the business" when all he's capable of is making up fake legions and feeding a cow fiber!
INTERVIEWER
Well maybe... we should just joust again? Ey? Me against you!
MATHIEU
I like the way that sounds
INTERVIEWER
I like the way that sounds too!
(BABBLING OVER EACH OTHER)
KOZLOWSKI
(INTERRUPTING) No, Arthur, no! No! No one is getting killed today!
INTERVIEWER
(POUTING) I wouldn’t be getting killed today, that’s for sure.
KOZLOWSKI
But... I have an idea.
INTERVIEWER
What?
MATHIEU
Yes, what?
KOZLOWSKI
We let Mathieu have the title.
INTERVIEWER
What?
MATHIEU
Yeah! (PAUSE) What title?
KOZLOWSKI
"Best in the business".
INTERVIEWER
(HIGH-PITCHED PROTEST) Why would we do that?!
KOZLOWSKI
In exchange for the information we came for.
INTERVIEWER
Oh... oh. Uhm... (KOZLOWSKI IGNORES HIM)
MATHIEU
Why would I accept that? I am already the best in the -
KOZLOWSKI (OVER PAINED INTERVIEWER-PROTEST)
Officially. We will recognize you as the best in the business officially. If anyone asks us if we are the best, even if it is a potential client, we have to admit that we are not. You are.
INTERVIEWER
(GIVES UP)
MATHIEU
You would officially recognize The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat as the "The best in the business"?
(INTERVIEWER IS IN PHYSICAL PAIN)
KOZLOWSKI
We would. If you tell us how Mercadier is planning to execute the boy.
MATHIEU
Best in the business, huh?
KOZLOWSKI
The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat is the best in the death faking business.
INTERVIEWER
God that hurts... That hurts…
MATHIEU
Uuuh, I like the way this sounds. I like the way it sounds. Alright. It's a deal.
INTERVIEWER
But only for 50 years!
KOZLOWSKI
What? No - excuse me!
(KOZLOWSKI DRAGS THE INTERVIEWER INTO A CORNER)
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERING) What are you doing? I am saving the boy! And it is costing us nothing! By appealing to his ego, we can give him something that is of no real value and still save Dudo's life -
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERING) No real value?! I am not going to let this good-for-nothing have that title forever! Apparently, the Mole Rats have managed to stick around for centuries! They're the same people we came across when we met Joseph a millennium ago! They may still be around a millennium from now! That is a long time to have to concede to that bastard and his progeny!
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERING) But we have to make him agree. Dudo begged us, Arthur! He begged us!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) Fifty years! And the mole rat will agree to the terms!
KOZLOWSKI
How?
INTERVIEWER
Just follow my lead!
KOZLOWSKI
Alright…
(THEY WALK BACK)
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Mathieu. We offer you the prestigious title of "Best in the business" for fifty whole years! Yes, well, you see, that covers the rest of your life and then some! Your son, and your grandson after him, will both benefit!
MATHIEU
My progeny, huh? Why only fifty years? What happens then?
INTERVIEWER
We compete for it!
MATHIEU
Come again?
INTERVIEWER
50 years from today our two esteemed establishments shall meet again. At that point, through a fair competition, with an impartial judge, we shall establish who truly deserves the title.
MATHIEU
Competition?
INTERVIEWER
Competition. Yes! It'll be a tournament of sorts!
MATHIEU
Tournament of sorts… I like those.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I know you do! So, is it a deal?
MATHIEU
Is it a deal… Hmmm...
INTERVIEWER
Is it a deal?
MATHIEU
Fine.
INTERVIEWER
Fine?
MATHIEU
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Great!
MATHIEU
But! Only for 50 years.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, no, wait, sorry?
MATHIEU
Yes, we meet every 50 years. Our two houses shall compete for the title "Best in the business" every 50 years. From now on, until eternity!
INTERVIEWER
Why? I mean, in fifty years, you could win the title forever!
MATHIEU
Or lose it forever. No, I won't let you cheat and win it in 50 years and then own it till the end of time! I'm not an idiot!
(MATHIEU THROWS THREE DAGGERS IN QUICK SUCCESSION. THE FIRST TWO HIT THE FLOOR AND STAY - THWACK! THWACK. THE THIRD DAGGER HITS A HORSE AND GETS LODGED. THE HORSE SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT IN A MAD PANIC. KOZLOWSKI WINCES IN SYMPATHY)
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean, that was quite idiotic.
MATHIEU
Sorry, sorry!
KOZLOWSKI
Fifty years you say… I suppose we could-
INTERVIEWER
Fine.
MATHIEU
Good.
INTERVIEWER
Every fifty years. I suppose it could be fun. Right, Khalidi?
KOZLOWSKI
Well. What if other death faking businesses appear alongside us?
MATHIEU
Others?
INTERVIEWER
It could happen. Well, I mean. Then they should be invited to take part.
MATHIEU
Sure! The more chances you have of losing the better...!
INTERVIEWER
Likewise!
MATHIEU
Agreed! Let's shake on it! Here. Come here!
(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI APPROACH MATHIEU. SO MUCH CLATTERING. TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
INTERVIEWER
Should I take your right hand or your left -
KOZLOWSKI
We cannot both take the right -
MATHIEU
There is one hand for each of you!
KOZLOWSKI
This is very awkward...
INTERVIEWER
Are you taking the left or the - ?
MATHIEU
Just make up your minds! Pick a hand!
INTERVIEWER
I have to cross over -
KOZLOWSKI
Now you are shaking my hand!
INTERVIEWER
Couldn’t we just toast instead?
MATHIEU
There! There! I grab all of your hands in both of my hands! There! Shake! Now we are agreed.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Good. Right. Well, that was clumsy.
KOZLOWSKI
So... how is the boy to be killed?
MATHIEU
The boy? What? Oh the boy, yeah. Flayed alive and hanged.
KOZLOWSKI
Flayed alive and hanged. Well, the hanging is easy. But the flaying... Flayed alive... Hmm… Ah! A skin coat! We drape him in a coat made of piglets' skin. And underneath we drench him in fresh blood.
INTERVIEWER
That can work.
KOZLOWSKI
I have work to do. Even the hangman has to believe it is real, of course.
(THEY START HEADING OFF.)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you, Mathieu. You have been a great sport!
MATHIEU
(LAUGHS LIKE HE’S LOST IT)
INTERVIEWER
Are you alright?
MATHIEU
Oh no no no no no! No no no no no...
INTERVIEWER
I’m confused. What?
MATHIEU
I have not just been a great sport...
INTERVIEWER
You've not?
MATHIEU
Oh no. You see, I have also been - and I will be for the next fifty years...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, damn! (SIGHS)
MATHIEU
Come on! Say it! I wanna hear you say it, both of you!
INTERVIEWER
(HATING IT) Fine, a deal’s a deal… You have been and you are currently...
INTERVIEWER & KOZLOWSKI
"The best in the business".
MATHIEU
(LAUGHS WITH PLEASURE) Yeah. I have to go find that horse.
INTERVIEWER
I am going to hate this.
(MUSIC)
PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions and no horses were harmed in the making of this episode.
This episode featured Josh Callahan as Mathieu, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski and Benjamin Noble as the town crier.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, music by Fredrik Baden, sound design by Alexander Danner, assistance by Maty Parzival, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne.
This episode was loosely inspired by something that two fans produced as part of Cocoa Collabs. While they have wished to remain uncredited we’d like to thank them, and say thank you to the organisers of Cocoa Collabs, a week long online event of Amelia-inspired creativity. We’d also like to say thank you to Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone for letting us use one of their jokes.
A massive thank you to our supporters on Patreon and Apple Podcast Subscriptions, without whom this show would disappear, and reappear as an instruction manual for an electric nose hair picker.
If you’re not yet supporting us but are considering it, head over to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show to see the various options and get more info. Depending on your level of support you can get ad free episodes, early releases, invites to listening parties, bonus episodes and bonus series, dedications and shoutouts in the credits. Speaking of which, a massive thank you to our super patrons, at the time of recording that’s: Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine BayugaBurnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara and Christine Bayuga
And now the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
(SOMEONE OPENS THE BARN DOORS AND WALKS IN SLOWLY)
HANGMAN
Hello?
MATHIEU
Who are you?
HANGMAN
Have I come to the… uh, the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat?
MATHIEU
I’ve never… maybe… Depends, what… what do you want?
HANGMAN
I need to die.
MATHIEU
Huh. Who are you? Why don’t you take that hood off.
HANGMAN
I'd rather not.
MATHIEU
Okay. What kind of hood is that? It’s very nice quality stitching. Is that a hangman's hood?
HANGMAN
Yeh. It is. I am the hangman of Limoges.
MATHIEU
Oh! I am in very reputable company, aren’t I? Heard all about you?
HANGMAN
Hardly. If the town didn't hate me before, they hate me now.
MATHIEU
Oh yeah? Why, uh, why is that?
HANGMAN
The kid.
MATHIEU
What kid?
HANGMAN
The kid with the weird name! Dudo.
MATHIEU
Why, did something happen to him?
HANGMAN
It was me who’s had to flay and hang him.
MATHIEU
Well. I guess it is right there in the name but…Go on.
HANGMAN
Well, he's a hero, ain’t he? A legend! A martyr! Killing the tyrant Lionheart, and then dying for it. The town puts up with me hanging robbers and rapists and murderers and whatnot. But this time I killed their hero. It was grizzly too, so much blood. And now they're coming for me. Please... please can you fake my death!
(PAUSE)
I hear you're the best in the business.
MATHIEU
(WITH IMMENSE PLEASURE) Oh. Since you say that… yes. Yes, I am the best in the business. Oh yes, I am!
THE END.