Episode 84 - The Battle of Stiklestad, 1030
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Kayleigh Wilson who grew a hairdo so long the face and eventually the whole body, was no longer visible. When Kayleigh got a haircut, the hairdresser discovered there was actually no one under the hair… Kayleigh will reappear as a comodo dragon-tamer for an Indonesian circus. Be like Kayleigh, support the show on Patreon, and let us fake your death. And now, enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE.
KOZLOWSKI (SNORRI) AND THE INTERVIEWER (ARNTHOR) IN A TENT. EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING.
KOZLOWSKI
Wakes, coughing up ash
INTERVIEWER
Wakes with a jolt
Oh! Snorri? Are you alright?
KOZLOWSKI
I am fine. Just a little-
(COUGHS) -ash in the back of my throat. (COUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
But the burns are healing? You're not in too much pain?
KOZLOWSKI
Come now, it is not my first brush with fire, you know that!
INTERVIEWER
(YAWNING) Yes, but it was the first time you were pushed out to sea in a burning boat!
KOZLOWSKI
The funeral boat did blaze magnificently did it not?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, quite
KOZLOWSKI(CON’T)
I really think we gave Bjørn a worthy Viking send-off.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Haha. Poor Bjørn.
KOZLOWSKI
He just was not cut out for all that wrestling and drinking and- pillaging.
INTERVIEWER
Well, thanks to us he'll never have to spend a rowdy night comparing axe sizes ever again. Yes, he's free to live a quiet life as a skald, writing songs and poetry by the fjords. It will suit him so much better.
(KOZLOWSKI COUGHS ASH)
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear... Are you sure you're alright Snorri?
KOZLOWSKI
(NOT SOUNDING TOO FINE) I am fine! More than fine.
INTERVIEWER
Alright-
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
I feel rejuvenated.
INTERVIEWER
Well. I feel sluggish. Must be all that meat. Meat and mead, ouf...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, you have put on some serious Viking belly!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I have, haven’t I. Well I did eat half a boar at the funeral feast last night.
KOZLOWSKI
Half a boar? Do you not think that is overdoing it a little, Arnthor?
INTERVIEWER
That was the point! I got into a boar eating competition with the Wolf-clan, and showed those horned hooligans I could out-feast them!
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor, at your age you should -
INTERVIEWER (OVER KOZLOWSKI’S PROTESTS)
It was a distraction! While they watched me chomp boar, they didn't notice you changing places with Bjørn in the burning boat!
KOZLOWSKI
In any case, our work here is done. And may I suggest we travel to the Mediterranean next?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
I crave sun and fresh fruit.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, fresh fruit. Sure wouldn’t come back on me like this boar is. Oh god. But first, breakfast, hm!
KOZLOWSKI
What do we have for breakfast?
INTERVIEWER
Salted herring, nom nom nom nom!
KOZLOWSKI
(UNHAPPY) Salted herring. Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! I left the herrings outside the tent. Because of the smell, you know. I'll go get them.
KOZLOWSKI
What I would give for a fresh orange, huh?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes...
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
(LONGING) -a bracing sour lemon, a cluster of sweet juicy grapes and maybe a sun-soaked beach to eat them on...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, all in good time, all in good time...
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE FLAP OF THE TENT, POKES HIS HEAD OUT.
FROM OUTSIDE WE BRIEFLY HEAR THE SOUND OF AXES BEING SHARPENED, DIGGING, PEOPLE WALKING ACROSS THE FIELD, SOMEONE PICKING UP A BUNCH OF WEAPONS MADE OF METAL...)
(THE INTERVIEWER IMMEDIATELY PULLS BACK IN, SECURING THE FLAP TIGHTLY)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm...
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
Uh, Snorri?
KOZLOWSKI
I hate that name. It is time to change it.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
We may not be leaving Norway as soon as you had hoped.
KOZLOWSKI
(SOFTLY) Why? What is wrong?
INTERVIEWER
Nothing much. We seem to be, uh, surrounded.
KOZLOWSKI
By the Wolf-clan? Do you think they have found out who we really are?
INTERVIEWER
Let me just, uhm...
(THE INTERVIEWER STEALTHILY LOOSENS THE FLAP AND PEEPS OUT.
THE SOUNDS FROM BEFORE CAN BE HEARD AGAIN, AND THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION HAPPENS SOMEWHERE FAR IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI TALK)
SVEN SKAGGSKJEGG(IN THE BACKGROUND)
Ragnar Rødkinn! Er det den karen! Er du klar for kamp i dag?
RAGNAR RØDKINN (IN THE BACKGROUND)
Sven Skaggskjegg! Har du også møtt opp? Joda, jeg har nå gjort øksa så skarp som han blir!
SVEN SKAGGSKJEGG
Jeg har et skjold som trenger å fikses. Kanskje du kunne gitt meg en hånd?
RAGNAR RØDKINN
For gammelt vennskaps skyld, Sven, så skal jeg hjelpe deg med skjoldet ditt!
SVEN SKAGGSKJEGG
Etter slaget så kanskje vi skulle tatt oss en skål?
RAGNAR RØDKINN
Om vi lever Sven, så skal vi ta oss to!
(SVEN AND RAGNAR LAUGH AS THEY WALK OFF)
INSIDE THE TENT.
KOZLOWSKI
Careful Arnthor!
INTERVIEWER
Nope. Nope. Different shields and helmets. No wolf's paws and no runes...
KOZLOWSKI
Well that is a relief.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... Lots of crosses on their flags.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh... Do they seem... friendly?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I don't know. I mean. They have very pointy looking spears.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh dear.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, they seem to be gearing up for a fight...
KOZLOWSKI
When are Vikings ever not gearing up for a fight.
INTERVIEWER
But I think we might be safe.
KOZLOWSKI
It does not sound like it...
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean, they seem very occupied with polishing their shields and sharpening their spears.
KOZLOWSKI
How does that make us safe?
INTERVIEWER
I don't think they've noticed us.
KOZLOWSKI
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Really, I mean there are dozens of tents just like ours. We blend right in.
KOZLOWSKI
I thought you said you pitched our tent in an empty field!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I thought so too, but it was very late and very dark and my head was spinning from all that mead, not to mention the exhaustion from lugging your giant body out of the sea, across the fields and all the way to Stiklestad -
KOZLOWSKI
(EXASPERATED)You pitched our tent in the middle of an encampment!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uhm, hah, speaking of lugging bodies...
KOZLOWSKI
...yes?
INTERVIEWER
Look! There's someone lugging a body.
KOZLOWSKI
Really? Close the flap Arnthor, close the flap!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I think...
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. He's definitely spotted us.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Oh. He's walking towards us. With the body.
KOZLOWSKI
What do we do?
(KOZLOWSKI MAKES A SOFT SOUND OF “O.O and ??”)
INTERVIEWER
Offer him some salted herring?
KOZLOWSKI
What?!
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Paul Kraner.
Episode 84 – The Battle of Stiklestad (1030)
(Thorfinn Enters The Tent, Huffing And Puffing, Dragging A Limp Body Behind Him. INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ARE... NOT KEEN)
INTERVIEWER
Oh my... Uh... hello... Uh - hi...!
THORFINN
(In Norwegian) (OVER LITTLE SOUNDS FROM THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI, BUT HE CAN’T BE INTERRUPTED)
Hvis dere forteller noen om dette, så sverger jeg i navnet til Jesus Krist vår Frelser at jeg kommer til å skjære ut tungene deres og stappe dette krusifikset ned i halsen deres!
INTERVIEWER
Right... Do you know what he's saying?
Kozlowski
No. But I wish he'd lower that axe.
THORFINN
(IN NORWEGIAN) Ikke ett ord, skjønner dere? Ikke et eneste Satans ord!
kozlowski
Why do you think he's waving a crucifix?
INTERVIEWER
I have no idea. He seems very angry.
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me kind sir, but -
THORFINN
Høh?!
Kozlowski (CON’T)
My name is Snorri and this is my friend Arnthor -
THORFINN
Are you Anglo-Saxon?
KOZLOWSKI & INTERVIEWER
Yes!
THORFINN (CON’T)
But your names are not... Who are you? How did you get here?
INTERVIEWER
Well, uhm...
Kozlowski
Now that is a long and strange story, (THORFINN SCOFFS) we are, you see, Arnthor, we...
(FLOUNDERS)
INTERVIEWER
We are... We are... uhm! Stone carvers! Stone carvers, yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Stone carvers indeed.
INTERVIEWER
Stone carvers. And we have travelled to your beautiful country to ... study the runes...
KOZLOWSKI
The runes...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, they are beautiful, love runes.
THORFINN
Show me your hands.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
THORFINN
Show me your hands.
INTERVIEWER
My hand- Right yes, very well.
THORFINN
(LAUGHS) No calluses. No blisters or scars or anything.
INTERVIEWER
Nono, I’m sure that-
THORFINN
Do you think I’m stupid?
INTERVIEWER
No, that there, you see that there, I’m sure that’s a callous!
THORFINN
No.
INTERVIEWER
(GIVING UP) No... Right. No, okay, right-
THORFINN
(ANGRY) I will cut off your head and feed your tongue to your dog!!
INTERVIEWER
Please lower the axe, we are not stone carvers, we are...
THORFINN
-you are a liar!!!
INTERVIEWER
Well, white lie, we are in fact, uhm, help, we are-
(FLOUNDERS)
THORFINN
(IN NORWEGIAN)
Dere er Tore Hund's menn! Jævler...! Tore Hund!
INTERVIEWER
Beg your pardon?
THORFINN
Is it possible! You are Tore Hund!
INTERVIEWER
I... I am not...
THORFINN
Tore the dog!
INTERVIEWER
No, I don’t know who that is...
THORFINN
I will cut off your head and drink mead from your skull! You heathen!!!
(KOZLOWSKI GROANS)
And then I will burp in your face!
INTERVIEWER
(STUTTERING) That... That doesn’t sound... Pleasant for either of us, uhm, please, there is no need to be so confrontational.
THORFINN
Admit it!
KOZLOWSKI
Please...
THORFINN
You are Tore Hund’s-
INTERVIEWER
We are not, we don’t even know who this Tore Hund fellow is-
Kozlowski
(TRYING TO INTERRUPT) We are healers!
THORFINN
That is what I said, heathens.
KOZLOWSKI
Eh... Nonono, not heathens – healers.
THORFINN
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Yes, he is right. We are, well, he is, a healer. A miracle worker really. We prefer to keep it hush hush, you know.
Kozlowski
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Friend or foe?
THORFINN
Huh?
KOZLOWSKI
The body.
THORFINN
Oh. Uh, yes, he’s a friend.
KOZLOWSKI
He looks like he could do with some attention.
THORFINN
Hæh?
KOZLOWSKI
I told you, I am a healer. May I take a look?
THORFINN
(DELIGHTED)
Can you save him??
KOZLOWSKI
I can do my best.
INTERVIEWER
And he is the best in the business!
THORFINN
The Lord be praised! Kjære Gud, du som er i himmelen, hellig være ditt navn!
KOZLOWSKI
Now let me see... Well, he is still warm...
THORFINN
(PROUDLY) Yes!
INTERVIEWER
That’ a good sign!
(KOZLOWSKI LUGS THE BODY ONTO HIS LAP AND STARTS EXAMINING IT)
INTERVIEWER
(AWKWARD) Right, ah. Well. Hello.
THORFINN
(EQUALLY AWKWARD) Hello.
INTERVIEWER
He really is the best in the business, he’ll do everything he can, and... While Snorri performs his examination, why don't you put down the axe...
THORFINN
Okay.
(PUTS DOWN AXE)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you very much. And introduce yourself! Yes, why don’t you tell us your story.
THORFINN
I am Thorfinn.
INTERVIEWER
(WAITS. WHEN IT'S CLEAR NOTHING MORE IS COMING, HE CONTINUES) Right, that’s... brilliant name, nice to meet you Thorfinn. Uhm. And it seems you're a warrior?
THORFINN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(WAITS...) Yes! Yes.
(PAUSE) And which clan do you belong to Thorfinn?
THORFINN
I serve the Lord Almighty.
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes.
THORFINN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Good. Yes. Don't we all. But more precisely. Who do you serve here on earth?
THORFINN
I serve his representative.
INTERVIEWER
His representative?
THORFINN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Right. Great. Great. Good. And who might that be...?
THORFINN (OVER INTERVIEWER STUTTERING TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT)
(NORWEGIAN) Kong Olav. Olav Digre! Olafr Haraldsson? King Olaf the Second!
INTERVIEWER
Yes yes! Ah, it was on the tip of my tongue! Yes, now, I have heard of him! Yes, he went on a bloody rampage annihilating petty kings and chieftains across the land if I recall?
THORFINN
(LAUGHING) I remember it like it was yesterday.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I bet.
THORFINN
He is a hero!
INTERVIEWER
Right. But didn't the Danish king oust him and drive him into exile?
THORFINN
We talk so much about that.
INTERVIEWER
No, right. Of course.
THORFINN
But he is back now!
INTERVIEWER
Oh he is, good for him, yes, wonderful.
THORFINN
Nothing can keep a divine king from his kingdom!
INTERVIEWER
Well I should think not, no
THORFINN
He’s the boss.
INTERVIEWER
Good, uhm-
THORFINN
He’s the boss above everything. He is telling us about, eh, Jesus.
INTERVIEWER
The crucifix... But of course! You're Christians! Christian Vikings!
THORFINN
Yes, yes, it’s Jesus!
INTERVIEWER
Right! And how do you feel about that?
THORFINN
Grateful!
INTERVIEWER
Really?
THORFINN
Really grateful.
INTERVIEWER
Does everyone feel grateful?
THORFINN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure?
THORFINN
Yes!!
INTERVIEWER
Really Thorfinn?
THORFINN
Everyone! Everyone.
INTERVIEWER (THORFINN GROANING IN THE BACKGROUND)
Absolutely everyone? In the Viking realm feels good?
THORFINN
Well, you could say “everyone that counts”
INTERVIEWER
There it is.
THORFINN
There are some stupid farmers who don't think a swinging axe is a compelling argument. They still resist the love of Jesus Christ.
INTERVIEWER
I thought so...
THORFINN
Yes. But we are about to drive our spears through their guts and show them who's boss!
(DISTANT BATTLE CRIES)
INTERVIEWER
Right. Yes. What is that noise?
THORFINN
The peasants they’re- They’re lead by Tore Hund. Tore Dog. As I said earlier. And they will arrive any minute.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good lord...
THORFINN
This will become the site of a great battle!
INTERVIEWER
Oh no...
THORFINN (CON’T)
A showdown between God and the heathens, a battle that will go down in Norwegian history, and you my friends, have front row seats!
INTERVIEWER
(SUFFERING) Of all the godforsaken places to pitch a tent... Uhm. Right. Uhm. Thorfinn. That does of course sound very exciting, but, you see I tend to prefer my entertainment of a more, uh, pacifist nature, yes.
THORFINN
(STRUGGLES WITH THE WORD) "Pacifist?"
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Pacifism, yes.
THORFINN
Hæ?
INTERVIEWER
Your man Jesus was a big proponent.
THORFINN
No, he was not? He is Jesus.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
THORFINN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
No, you know, you know, "blessed be the peacemakers" and "love your enemies" and all that.
THORFINN
Love?? HUH???
INTERVIEWER
Oh good lord, if- "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also."
THORFINN
NO ONE SLAPS THORFINN ON THE RIGHT CHEEK!!!
INTERVIEWER
Nonono, I don’t mean, no one’s going to slap you on the cheek, nonono.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
THORFINN
I’m very stressed, I’m very stressed now-
INTERVIEWER
We all are, you’re a very big man and- and- we’re all stressed. Ah, yes.
THORFINN
Yes, you should be. Don’t slap me on cheek.
INTERVIEWER
That would be an unwise move, yes.
THORFINN
I will take your head!
INTERVIEWER
Ten times my size. And I’m a pacifist. Remember.
THORFINN
Pacist? (NORWEGIAN)
INTERVIEWER
Didn’t king Olad mention anything about Jesus uhm... loving his enemies or...
THORFINN
Ach, nononono-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-or non-violent action.
THORFINN
He didn't mention that.
INTERVIEWER
No, of course he didn't.
THORFINN
(NORWEGIAN) Not slapping!
INTERVIEWER
Right. Ehm.
THORFINN
This is strange!
INTERVIEWER
Well.
THORFINN
Well. I'd love to hear more, but right now I have a battle to win. There is a ditch between our two sides, and the first thing we must do (LAUGHS) is the Norwegian way of resolving a conflict. We hurl flaming torches across that divide!
INTERVIEWER
(STUTTERING)It sounds like you have a solid plan Thorfinn, so why don't we leave you to it and we just scuttle off into the-
THE INTERVIEWER STARTS LOOSENING THE TENT FLAP AND WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF THE ARMY STEELING THEMSELVES FOR BATTLE.
THORFINN
(PROTEST) Wha-
INTERVIEWER
You see Snorri and I aren't warriors, no, we have nothing to contribute, uhm, and honestly I feel we would only be in the way, so I think it would be best for everyone if we... if we...(WEAKLY) get the hell out of here.
THORFINN
(IN NORWEGIAN) Stans!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
THORFINN
You are not going anywhere.
INTERVIEWER
But-
THORFINN
Not until you and your friend has finished the healing-thing.
INTERVIEWE
Ah, right, I almost forgot about that. How's that going Snorri? Is that problem resolved?
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry. But there is nothing I can do.
THORFINN
What?
INTERVIEWER
What? Are you sure?
KOZLOWSKI
I said I would do my best! But for some mysterious reason I cannot -
INTERVIEWER
Snorri, I do not think that this gentleman here wants to hear that “cannot”.
THORFINN
You must go do it now.
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor... I don’t know what to do...
INTERVIEWER
Be patient...!
Kozlowski
I have been patient.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, strange...
KOZLOWSKI
This man ... is dead.
THORFINN
No! No! Noooo!
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry...
INTERVIEWER
We both are!
THORFINN
You said you could heal him!
INTERVIEWER
yes... If Snorri couldn’t do it there really was nothing to be done.
THORFINN
THIS IS A TRAGEDY!!!
KOZLOWSKI
You obviously loved him... How did he die?
THORFINN
You know uh... you know the salted herring?
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Love it!
KOZLOWSKI (OVERLAPPING)
Unfortunately.
THORFINN
It’s a very nice meal. But uh... you need to be very careful with the little bones.
KOZLOWSKI
Oof.
INTERVIEWER
Choked?
KOZLOWSKI
It does explain the blue complexion.
THORFINN
Yes. It wasn't pretty.
KOZLOWSKI
Nothing good can come from salted herring.
INTERVIEWER
Apart from a good breakfast.
(BATTLE CRIES IN THE DISTANCE)
SVEN SKAGGSKJEGG (IN THE DISTANCE, SHOUTING TO THE MEN)
Hedningene er på vei! Klar med buene!
THORFINN
The peasant army...
KOZLOWSKI
Oh they sound very close indeed...
INTERVIEWER
Oh my... Uh... Thorfinn?
THORFINN
No response
(AN ARROW THWACKS INTO THE TENT. INTERVIEWER & KOZLOWSKI ARE STARTLED, GASP!!!)
INTERVIEWER
Oh good lord I hate arrows!!
KOZLOWSKI
(PANICKED BREATHING)
Thorfinn?
KOZLOWSKI
Thorfinn?
(ANOTHER ARROW!)
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Good lord! Uhm-
KOZLOWSKI
Thorfiiiiinn...
INTERVIEWER
Thorfinn!
(SNAP FINGERS IN HIS FACE)
KOZLOWSKI
Thorfiiiinn.....
INTERVIEWER
Thorfinn! Wakey—wakey!!
KOZLOWSKI
Wake up big man!
INTERVIEWER
Thorfinn! They're attacking us!!
KOZLOWSKI
What is wrong with him?!
INTERVIEWER
Battle! Battle! (EXCITED SOUNDS)You can't just sit here! Protect us!
KOZLOWSKI
Thorfinn, please!
INTERVIEWER
Go scramble some heathen guts!
THORFINN
What's the point?
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
KOZLOWSKI
What?
THORFINN
It's futile.
INTERVIEWER
No no no, that's not the Viking spirit!
THORFINN
We've already lost.
INTERVIEWER
What?! But- But Thorfinn! A moment ago you seemed so gung-ho for this!
THORFINN
(SIGH) What was it Jesus said about turning the other cheek? Tell me more.
INTERVIEWER
Not now Thorfinn, not now! They're right here!
(A FEW MORE ARROWS THWACK INTO THE TENT. CONTINUE)
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, that one was close!
KOZLOWSKI
Thorfinn, why this sudden change of heart??
THORFINN
Because without a leader, our cause is doomed.
KOZLOWSKI
Without a leader?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
What on earth are you talking about- (Realising) Oh...
INTERVIEWER
Without a leader- why don’t you have a-
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor...
INTERVIEWER
I don't -
(REALISING) Oh... oh no...
Kozlowski
So the body I have laid across my lap, it is the body... the body of...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, of course it is...
THORFINN
King Olaf.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Well, bless my beard and call me a bishop!
KOZLOWSKI
The mighty King Olaf, felled by a herring...
THORFINN
You see now why this battle is pointless? We have lost our spiritual leader!
INTERVIEWER
Right. Now. In the long term I can see how this is a blow to the Christian project. But in the short term, Thorfinn, I'd still rather not get run through with a peasant's pitchfork!
KOZLOWSKI
He is right. You have to fend off the attack!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you can't just sit here and mope!
THORFINN
You’re right! You’re right! At least I can die a worthy death! A death that will take me to Valhalla!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that’s the-
KOZLOWSKI
Valhalla?
THORFINN
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
To where?
THORFINN
It is a grand hall with a roof of golden shields where fallen warriors feast, fight and fuck and they have a great time and then the day after, they just go out and fight again and come back and fuck. Fantastic time!
(LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Yes it sounds lovely, but... Uhm... don’t forget.
THORFINN
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
You're Christian now, Thorfinn.
THORFINN
Right. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
THORFINN
But there's still a Valhalla in the Christians, no?
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERING) There's heaven I guess? A bit less fighting and f-fornicating maybe, but -
THORFINN
In heaven? No of the fucking?
INTERVIEWER
Ehm...
THORFINN
That's a shame... It’s always been like that. You die, you fight, fuck, fight, fight fuck there after! That’s the rule!
INTERVIEWER
Pacifism, remember, Thorfinn, pacifism...
THORFINN
A little bit of fucking?
INTERVIEWER
I mean... Are you sure you're a Christian Thorfinn? I mean, you know-
THORFINN
I am!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-there is still time, you could still switch sides...
THORFINN
No, I have already- we have- Me and Olaf, we have done the water-thing.
INTERVIEWER
Baptism. Yes.
THORFINN
I am a Christian! I believe in Jesus!
INTERVIEWER
Right, nono, yes- of course, yes. But, but since King Olaf became the unfortunate victim of a herring bone...
THORFINN
SO UNFORTUNATE!!!
INTERVIEWER
Unfortunate, yes...
THORFINN
You know what? Herring wasn't even on the menu! If the cook hadn't found a misplaced barrel of the salted herring... I don't even know how it got here -
INTERVIEWER
Uh, just a moment- Er, where exactly did you find this herring?
KOZLOWSKI
(URGENTLY TO INTERVIEWER) Arnthor! Shhh!
THORFINN
I haven’t even seen that barrel anywhere! I don’t even know how it got there, the salted herring!
INTERVIEWER
(SOFTLY) I want to know!
KOZLOWSKI
Shhh...
THORFINN
If only he had died after sunrise, on the battlefield!
INTERVIEWER
What difference would that make? I mean death is death, right?
THORFINN
What?
INTERVIEWER
No disrespect, but whether it's a bone in the windpipe or a spear up the rectum, uhm, the outcome is the same.
THORFINN
You are not serious.
INTERVIEWER
Yes I am! I mean, I would actually say death by herring bone sounds less painful, so maybe Olaf got lucky.
THORFINN
You know, if you just die from the fish, that is just funny. No king wants to die a funny death. A death by battle is heroic. They yell and scream and say Yes!!
KOZLOWSKI
(TO INTERVIEWER)
Hmm... it seems the notion of a warrior's death still runs deep here, so...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, Right... Thorfinn, how many people know about King Olaf's demise by fish bone?
THORFINN
Only you and the cook.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
THORFINN
And I killed the cook.
INTERVIEWER
Er, right, uhm. Okay.
THORFINN
What? You don’t like- You don’t like that I killed the cook.
INTERVIEWER
Oh no- I mean- Like, dislike, I didn’t know the man!
THORFINN
Should I not have killed him??
INTERVIEWER
No, I mean...
THORFINN
I was so stressed!
INTERVIEWER
No, no of course-
THORFINN
He just choked right in front of me. What was I supposed to do? The stress! So I killed the cook.
INTERVIEWER
To relieve the stress, yes!
THORFINN
And his brother.
INTERVIEWER
And- His brother?
THORFINN
His brother was standing right next to him. And like I said, I was very very stressed.
INTERVIEWER
Yes of course, classic case of wrong place wrong time... Who am I to judge.
THORFINN
I decided not to raise the alarm. Because that would have been a bad idea.
INTERVIEWER
Quite.
THORFINN
I mean with the heathens just moments away it would have been completely devastating for morale, if they found out?
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, yes.
THORFINN
Yes? (SIGHS IN RELIEF) So I looked for a place to conceal the body, tried to... hide. You know. So the men don’t get- see Olaf- see him. See the king like that.
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely, I think you made the right call, yes.
THORFINN
-and that's when I found you two. When you said you were healers I was really happy! I thought you had been sent by God himself!
You really can't save him?
KOZLOWSKI
Sadly no.
INTERVIEWER
No. But perhaps this isn't the blow you think it is. I mean, don't you think someone else will step up to take Olaf's place and continue the Christian project?
THORFINN
(SIGHS) Once it has been tainted by herring? I don’t know.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I admit it's not a great look.
But are you really so attached it?
THORFINN
Herring?
INTERVIEWER
No, Christianity?
(THORFINN SIGHS)
I mean, Thor, Odin, Loki, I can't help but feel that Jesus has some tough competition...
THORFINN
Yes but Jesus is such a bad-ass!
INTERVIEWER
Bad-ass= Really?
THORFINN
(EXCITED) His turning water into booze! Commanding the storms at the Sea of Galilee! Standing up to the Roman Empire! Walking across fjords! Casting out demons! Decapitating the moneylenders!
KOZLOWSKI
Decapitating-
INTERVIEWER
Decapitating the - ?
THORFINN
With his holy axe.
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes, of course, the- the holy axe! Yes...
THORFINN
Yes! But now, all anybody will think of, is herring.
INTERVIEWER
Unless...
THORFINN
Unless what?
KOZLOWSKI
WORRIED
What are you thinking Arnthor?
INTERVIEWER
King Olaf rides into battle!
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor, what?
THORFINN
What?
INTERVIEWER
On his horse!
THORFINN
But-
KOZLOWSKI
...on his horse?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Wielding his axe!
THORFINN
Yes! YES! I knew you could bring him back! I knew it! You are sent by god!
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor!
INTERVIEWER
No Thorfinn, we can't revive him.
THORFINN
But- You can't?
KOZLOWSKI
No, we cannot.
THORFINN
But -
INTERVIEWER
But we can make it seem so.
THORFINN
How?
INTERVIEWER
Through mischief and misdirection.
THORFINN
Hæh?
INTERVIEWER
A plan so good even Loki himself would approve. Yes, you said nobody apart from us knows the King is dead.
THORFINN
Yes, yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we will delay the realisation by making him seem briefly alive, and then shift the moment of death to the battlefield.
THORFINN
(UNCONVINCED) Will that work?
KOZLOWSKI
I am not sure –
(AN ARROW THWACKS INTO THE TENT)
Yes! And we must be quick!
THORFINN
But he's all limp, look at this! Look at this!
(THORFINN TAKES OLAF'S ARM, RAISES IT AND LETS GO. IT FLOPS STRAIGHT BACK DOWN)
How's that arm ever going to hold a shield or an axe or anything?!
INTERVIEWER
Snorri?
KOZLOWSKI
Well... I could baste the corpse in resin to make it stiff, or insert metal into its limbs, or -
(TWO ARROWS IN QUICK SUCCESSION, THE SHOUT OF PEASANTS CROSSING THE DITCH)
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes, wonderful idea-
KOZLOWSKI
But we do not have the time!
INTERVIEWER
(FAST) You and the King have horses?
THORFINN
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Snorri and I will need horses too.
THORFINN
You can take the cook's and his brother's.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect. We will also need three spears.
KOZLOWSKI
Arnthor, what is the plan??
INTERVIEWER
Do you remember the doll dances we witnessed in West Bengal?
KOZLOWSKI
The Putul Nach!
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
You want to transform the King into a rod puppet?
THORFINN
Øh?
INTERVIEWER
Well... We will use the spears to control the King's movements.
KOZLOWSKI
It is not a bad idea...
INTERVIEWER
Thorfinn, you will lodge your spear into the back of the King's skull. You're not squeamish I hope –
(THORFINN LODGES HIS SPEAR INTO THE BACK OF KING OLAF'S SKULL)
INTERVIEWER
Lovely. This will allow you to tilt and turn the King's head.
THORFINN
I will ride behind him? With the head stick?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. And you must ensure the King stays upright for a minute or two at LEAST. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE THE WEIGHT?
ThORFINN
I have dragged a longship up a hill!
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! Yes, look at those arms, wonderful! Snorri and I will ride on either side of the King. We will attach our spears to his hands, so we can control his arms. Yes, now, he should be carrying his axe of course, and maybe in the other hand the crucifix...
KOZLOWSKI
We can attach them to his hands with nails. Let me check my tool pouch...
(KOZLOWSKI RUMMAGES THROUGH A SMALL LEATHER POUCH HE CARRIES AROUND HIS WAIST)
THORFINN
Oh!! This will be just like Jesus!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
THORFINN
You know the nails! The nails through the palms.
INTERVIEWER
Oh of course. How very fitting.
THORFINN
Yes! That’s my favourite bit is when Thomas doesn't believe Jesus rose from the dead, then, bam, he appears from behind him with really bloody hands and he says to Thomas that he should take his finger through the handhole and he stopped the doubting! He believes!
(LAUGHS)
That is so a bad-ass!
INTERVIEWER
Such a badass...
THORFINN
That’s the warrior way!
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, right...
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS HAMMERING THE SWORD AND CRUCIFIX TO KING OLAF'S HANDS)
We will let King Olaf ride valiantly into battle, and give him the hero's death he deserves.
KOZLOWSKI
I do wish we could practice this. Manipulating a human rod puppet will take considerable coordination.
(BATTLE CRIES, VERY CLOSE NOW)
INTERVIEWER
Oh Snorri, we don’t have the time. In the heat of battle, who’s going to notice if his movements are a bit stiff? And we don't need to keep him on his horse for long. As soon as he's been seen riding valiantly into battle, he can fall like a martyr!
THORFINN
He's not carrying a shield or anything, so the first arrow hitting him straight to the ground, that will be his bane.
(A FLURRY OF ARROWS AND BATTLE CRIES)
INTERVIEWER
That was a close one...
THORFINN
We should go! It sounds like the peasants have crossed the ditch.
INTERVIEWER
Just one more thing...
(A TORCH HITS THE TENT TOO AND IT STARTS TO BURN)
Oh! Good lord, right, right, uhm- That’s not good-
THORFINN
We don't have a lot of time.
KOZLOWSKI
No...
INTERVIEWER
No, we don’t, but- quickly, in return for helping you with this -
THORFINN
What? What do you want? You want to be the next rulers of Norway or something?
KOZLOWSKI
No!
INTERVIEWER
Oooh, Snorri, do we-
KOZLOWSKI
Stop it.
INTERVIEWER
No, we just want safety. Once the King has fallen, Snorri and I will ride close behind you as you cut across the battlefield, fending off the peasants. You seem like a formidable warrior Thorfinn, I trust you can lead us to safety.
THORFINN
You have my word.
INTERVIEWER
Then our lives are in your hands! Are the sword and crucifix nailed on?
KOZLOWSKI
They are.
INTERVIEWER
Onward Christian soldiers! Off into battle... Oh I really wish I hadn’t eaten half a boar last night...
(KOZLOWSKI SCOOPS UP THE CORPSE OF KING OLAF IN HIS ARMS)
Let’s do this...
KOZLOWSKI
(HEAVING UP THE CORPSE)
Time to put Olaf on his horse...
(INTERVIEWER OPENS THE TENT FLAP. REALLY LOUD BATTLE SOUNDS FROM OUTSIDE)
THORFINN
Forward! Forward now! Men of Christ, men of the cross, men of the king!
INTERVIEWER
I can’t wait for this day to be over...
KOZLOWSKI
Alright, on we go...
(THORFINN, KOZLOWSKI AND THE INTERVIEWER LEAVE THE TENT. FROM OUTSIDE WE HEAR KING OLAF'S ARMY CHANT AS THEY CLASH WITH THE ENEMY)
OLAF'S ARMY
Fram, fram kristmenn, krossmenn, kongsmenn!
Fram, fram kristmenn, krossmenn, kongsmenn!
Further away, they are met by the battle cries of their enemies:
tore hund's army
Fram, fram, búandmenn!
Fram, fram, búandmenn!
(The sound of battle ensues)
(MUSIC)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Sveinung Oppegaard as Thorfinn, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, and Sveinung Oppegaard, Alan Burgon, Fredrik Baaden and Philip Thorne as the viking armies.
The episode was written, directed and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baaden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
If you enjoy the Amelia Project, it would mean the world to us if you could spread the word, for example by leaving a nice comment or review on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. And if you do, please try and incorporate the word ambrosial, then we’ll know that you know, and we’ll send a secret invisible death fakers salute across the intraweb.
For the full premium Amelia experience without ads and with bonuses between every regular episode, consider becoming a supporter on Patreon or Apple Podcast Subscriptions. With Christmas coming up, this will also allow you to listen to our two Holliday themed bonus series, The Amelia Audio Advent Calendar, and The 12 Deaths of Christmas.
A big thank you to everyone who’s already supporting us, and a shoutout to our magnanimous super patrons without whom this show would disappear and reappear as The True Mime podcast, a silent interview podcast with mimes.
At the time of recording our super patrons are Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger. Yes, it’s a challenge every single time, but we’re so grateful to each and every one of you.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER IN MONMARTRE CEMETERY.
ALVINA
Ha! So thanks to you the Battle of Stikelstad was won.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, lost.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
The peasants defeated Olaf's army. The battle was lost.
ALVINA
Oh no. So the whole thing was kind of pointless then.
INTERVIEWER
Oh no, not at all. While the battle was lost, the narrative was won.
ALVINA
The narrative?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! A year after his death, King Olaf became Saint Olaf, Rex Perpetuus Norvegiae, Eternal King of Norway.
ALVINA
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
Hm! His sainthood encouraged the widespread adoption of Christianity. I mean, to this day Olaf is Norway's patron saint, a symbol of national pride and independence.
ALVINA
I did not know that!
INTERVIEWER
I mean, his axe is on Norway's coat of arms!
ALVINA
Are you sure it’s not the holy axe of Jesus?
INTERVIEWER
What- (CHUCKLES) -and the twenty-ninth of July is a national holiday. Olsok, or Olaf's Wake. A commemoration of his death in Stikelstad.
ALVINA
And what would have happened if you hadn't been there, and King Olaf had choked on a herring?
INTERVIEWER
Well, yeah, or if Kozlowski had managed to revive him!
ALVINA
Why couldn't he?
INTERVIEWER
Sometimes a curse and a miracle are hard to tell apart...
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Think about it. If Olaf had lost the battle, but survived, then he might never have become a saint, and he might never have succeeded in making Norway a Christian country.
ALVINA
Right.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ALVINA
Imagine! If Norway was still populated by vikings! Traveling around in longboats, hyped up on mushrooms and mead!
(THEY LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER
Yes, or walking around on skis with their long beards and icicles hanging from their nose hairs!
(THEY LAUGH. THEY STOP LAUGHING)
I just described a Norwegian, didn't I.
ALVINA
Yes, yes you did.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I did. Well, Alvina. You can make a note of that.
ALVINA
Of what?
INTERVIEWER
Sometimes... the course of history hangs on little more that a fish bone.
(ALVINA CHUCKLES)
END OF EPISODE