EPISODE 85 - GRUOCH
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Mystic Sybil who was strangled by fairy lights while decorating a mall for Christmas. She will reappear as an inventor of ice-cream flavours. Be like Mystic Sybil and support the show on patreon. Enjoy the episode.
PRESENT DAY: A GRAVEYARD IN MONTMARTRE
(ALVINA APPROACHES, STEPPING THROUGH THE MUDDY GROUND OF THE GRAVEYARD)
ALVINA
Nope. Nope. No. Ahh! There you are!
INTERVIEWER
You are awake!
ALVINA
Why did you let me fall asleep?
INTERVIEWER
I thought you needed a nap.
ALVINA
I can keep going!
INTERVIEWER
But you are so tired! We could continue tomorrow?
ALVINA
There might not be a tomorrow!
INTERVIEWER
There is always a tomorrow, Alvina.
BEAT.
ALVINA
No. There isn't.
INTERVIEWER
My plan was to wake you up. I was only going to give you half an hour.
ALVINA
I don't want half an hour! I want all the stories!
INTERVIEWER
How did you wake up?
ALVINA
Sheba licked my face.
INTERVIEWER
chuckles
Cats.
ALVINA
What are you doing in this remote corner of the graveyard?
INTERVIEWER
I began taking a jaunt around the ornate mausoleums and got distracted by these more humble markers.
(ALVINA SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM)
ALVINA
Any friends of yours in the humble marker section? Previous clients?
INTERVIEWER
Oh I’m sure there must be some around here someplace. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if half of these plots were actually empty.
ALVINA
Half?! That’s ridiculous!
INTERVIEWER
No. A dog running for parliament, that’s ridiculous. A banana and mayonnaise sandwich, that's ridiculous. A half full cemetery is just - what day is it? Wednesday? - That’s just Wednesday.
ALVINA
What are you looking at? Found one you knew? ‘Antionette Etienne’. Doesn't ring any bells.
INTERVIEWER
No, it's not the name.
ALVINA
What is it then?
INTERVIEWER
The quote… The quote is ever so curious…
“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time…”
ALVINA
You are intrigued by Shakespeare’s second or third most famous quote? I would’ve thought you had higher standards. A quote from Pericles or Two Noble Kinsmen, maybe! But a quote from the Scottish play? Now that's just... Wednesday.
INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s just that it reminds me of a very particular case... Someone who was so dissatisfied with their own story, they didn’t simply employ the Brotherhood of the Phoenix once, but twice…
ALVINA
(SUCKS IN A BREATH) Oooh! Story time!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Story time…
(INTRO MUSIC STARTS AND THEN SUDDENLY STOPS)
ALVINA
Wait, twice? You did a do-over? We don't do do-overs!
INTERVIEWER
Yes I know!
ALVINA
We never do do-overs!
INTERVIEWER (OVERLAPPING)
Yes yes, I’ll get to it, I'll get to it… Now, where was I…
(INTRO MUSIC CONTINUES)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Alexaner Danner.
Episode 84: Gruoch. Episode by Lauren Grace Thompson and Ian Geers.
1053: Dunsinane, Scotland
INTERVIEWER
(NARRATING)
We're in Dunsinane, in Scotland. The year was 1053…
(THE INTERVIEWER IS SHUFFLING AROUND A FARMHOUSE WITH HAY AND ROCKS ON THE FLOOR)
Alright, Scotland, 1053 at… huh, 10:53 - that’s cute - where on earth could she possibly –
(THE HEAVY WOODEN DOOR BURSTS OPEN, GRUOCH RUNS IN, OUT OF BREATH)
Good god!
GRUOCH
SHH!!! No noise! My husband doesn’t know I left my chamber.
INTERVIEWER
Yes and god forbid you have an agenda of your own. Now come into the light, let me get a look at you.
GRUOCH
No, no, I… I think we can conduct this whole… whatever you call it, from a distance.
INTERVIWER
Well, I…
GRUOCH
In the dark. Ambience, you know
INTERVIEWER
Right.
GRUOCH (CON’T)
–and you can never be too careful. How do I know you’re not going to give me some fancy new plague?
INTERVIEWER
(OFFENDED) What?! Because I would never.
GRUOCH
Oh! Right and I’m just supposed to take your word for it? Men. Classic Men.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, alright! No need to lump me in with all of that, just trying to be kind and get a good look at whom I’m doing business with. Really more standard operating procedure than anything else.
GRUOCH
(LAUGH) Yeah, well, seems to me what you’re operating with is anything but standard so…
INTERVIEWER
Truth is truth, I suppose. Now, who are you? You’ll forgive me for the blunt questioning, but I was called here for important business, and I have the oddest sensation I’ve heard your voice before.
GRUOCH
(SPLUTTERS) Look, who’s to say, ya know? Maybe you have and maybe you haven’t. I just need this whole disappearance act done. Done quickly and done now so let’s get on with it, shall we?
INTERVIEWER
Well, we can’t be too hasty. There’s a whole series of questions I’m obliged to ask in order to find out why you require our services, how you’d like those services rendered, name, occupation, food allergies, favourite way to spend a Saturday - that one’s not part of the official application, really just more of an ice breaker - so it could take quite a while.
(VOICES CALLING FROM OUTSIDE, VERY MUFFLED)
MEN
(FROM OUTSIDE) M’lady! Queen!
INTERVIEWER
Especially considering you’d like to maintain a distance that obscures not only your face but any sense of body language I could possibly —
(GRUOCH MOVES FORWARD AND PUTS HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH)
GRUOCH
Be quiet! How’s that for clear body language and actual language?
(MUFFLED SOUNDS OF PROTEST)
The INTERVIEWER takes a moment, considers her.
INTERVIEWER
(Muffled, excited) OH! I know you! I knew it!
GRUOCH
Oh wow you’re just gonna keep going even through the hand huh?
INTERVIEWER
(MUFFLED) Yes, probably. I mean, this is very exciting.
GRUOCH
Ugh, it’s so moist - that’s how the plague gets you. Ok. Fine! But keep it down.
(SHE REMOVES HER HAND)
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETER, BUT STILL EXCITED)
Oh this is something. You see, we don’t typically check in on past clients. Clean break and all. So how did it go? I can’t wait to hear all the details. I... I can't remember, when exactly did we meet and what was your name back then – ?
GRUOCH
Look, it doesn’t matter who I was before, you’re still here and you need to help me out of here before my husband finds out.
INTERVIEWER
Your husband? Hold on! Huge castle, men looking for you –
MEN
(OUTSIDE, SEARCHING)
Queen! Where are you, Queen?
INTERVIEWER
Queen - oh, the queen they’re looking for is you! Yes, the hushing makes more sense now. Yes, I understand. So that must mean you’re married to -
GRUOCH
Macbeth, King of Scotland. I’m aware.
INTERVIEWER
(GASP!) Well prick my thumbs and call me chuffed, my lady! I’m honoured!
GRUOCH
(FLATLY) Thank you. But please, no need to call me by my title, my birth name is fine.
INTERVIEWER
Of course. And that name again is… It starts with…
GRUOCH
Easily forgettable apparently.
INTERVIEWER
Well, uhm…
GRUOCH
Gruoch!
INTERVIEWER
Gruoch, yes! I knew it was something unusual! It was on the tip of my tongue.
GRUOCH
Yeah, I have a hard time believing that but I’ll let it slide since you’re doing me a favour.
INTERVIEWER
Not quite sure about that just yet, but still. Wow. Well. You clearly did pretty well for yourself, Gruoch, I mean, Queen and all.
GRUOCH
(UNCONVINCING)
Yeah, sure. Done very well, so proud.
INTERVIEWER
Well, no wonder you want to get out of this castle, ey! Bet you don’t even have central air in there. I just… huh.
GRUOCH
What?
INTERVIEWER
Well it’s just odd because - and no offense - but typically when someone uses our services they don’t come out the other side a public figure like this - more often the purpose of disappearing is to, well, disappear.
GRUOCH
Yes, well, things didn’t exactly go to plan.
INTERVIEWER
That’s not possible.
GRUOCH
Sure of yourself, are you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, actually. You see, it’s my duty as a part of the Brotherhood to see every client through to their chosen destination according to the plan. I would never allow anything interfere with that –
GRUOCH
You need me to refresh your memory?
INTERVIEWER
I… don’t think so?
GRUOCH
Well, hold on, because we’re going to anyway.
SOUND OF TRAVELING EVEN FURTHER BACK IN TIME.
1032: INVERNESS, SCOTLAND
GRUOCH
(NARRATING)
This was back in Inverness. The year was 1032.
(QUAINT COUNTRY NOISES, FARM ANIMALS, BABBLING BROOKS, AN IDYLLIC LIFE. MAYBE SOME PASTORAL MUSIC THAT THEN GETS OVERTAKEN BY GRUOCH LETTING OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS AND SHUTTING HER DOOR INTO HER CHAMBERS)
GRUOCH
(BEGINNING DISTANT AND GETTING CLOSER)
… never promised to tend to the land, our son, and the animals, that’s what you wanted! UGH!
GILL
(ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR) Ok, so do you want to talk this out?
(GRUOCH TURNS TO THE DOOR AND BANGS IT, LETTING OUT A FERAL SCREAM)
GILL
Right, yeah, I think it’s smart to take some ‘you time’. I’ll go and… yeah.
(GILL WALKS AWAY. RAGE BEHIND THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Men trouble?
GRUOCH
Jesus Christ! Who let you in here?!
INTERVIEWER
No fear of taking his name in vain, I see.
GRUOCH
Course not, we’re Pagan. Now answer my question, how the fuck did you get into my chambers?
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Your chambers, oh yes, I mean, the orchard walls are high and hard to climb indeed.
GRUOCH
(CONFUSED) You climbed up here?
INTERVIEWER
That’s besides the point, anyway, I believe you and I are to have an appointment.
GRUOCH
An appointment? Nah, that sounds fishy. Last time I was told I had an appointment with someone they pulled a baby out of me, not falling for it again.
INTERVIEWER
Different type of appointment. I’m a guest, an emissary of sorts, from… The Brotherhood.
BEAT.
GRUOCH
Am I supposed to know what that is?
INTERVIEWER
Excellent point. Let’s just say we’re a society of… hmm… well, we’re a company that specializes in… disappearances.
GRUOCH
Wonderful, well, why don’t you give me an example by disappearing from my private chambers.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, that’s a good one, uhm, no, you see, I believe we can be of some... Well, I've been told I can be of... assistance to you, if you’d like. I mean, you don’t have to, but…
GRUOCH
Do you make a habit of climbing into ladies’ bedrooms and telling them how terrible their lives are?
INTERVIEWER
I never said your life was terrible.
GRUOCH
Yes, you did.
INTERVIEWER
No, I didn’t.
GRUOCH
Did too.
INTERVIEWER
Did not! You told the local knitting circle that your life was terrible on - let me make sure I get this right –
(CHECKS NOTES)
12 out of the last 14 days. Word gets around.
GRUOCH
Huh. Seems about right I suppose. Let’s say I believe you, that you do work for some ambiguous “Brotherhood” that "specializes in disappearances,” or whatever. (INTERVIEWER HUMS) Why should I believe you’re going to help me?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Now, you are right I typically don’t take on domestic cases, but when yours came across my desk -
abandoning the lie) No, no, I can't lie. I didn't want to take it.
GRUOCH
Then why are you here?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I lost a bet, didn’t I?
GRUOCH
A bet?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, a bet. My colleague, you see, he… (SIGHS) I could strangle him, I really could, he held out his hand and said "I bet you can't guess how many beans I have in my right hand!" and I said "Sure I can!"
GRUOCH
(GROANS) Oh god…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
and he said "Let us make it a bet!" and I said "Fine!" and he said "Let us shake on it!" and so we did. And then I guessed eight, but it turned out to be none, which I should have guessed, because I'd just shaken his hand. (GRUOCH CAN’T INTERRUPT) And I would have felt them, wouldn't I? Anyhow, we have this thing where the winner's reward is to decide the loser's punishment. And so he... haha, knowing how much I detest them… uaargh, said I had to take on a domestic squabble, and, well, they’re usually so boring.
GRUOCH
Oh? Oh I am sorry? Am I boring to you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. A little?
GRUOCH
Look, whether I bore you or not, and whether I believe you or not, or whether I am unhappy or not, or whether my problems are too “domestic” or not, none of it matters! Because once my husband finds out you’re in here it’ll be the end for –
(THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN. GILL, GRUOCH’S HUSBAND, MEEK, CHILL, ULTIMATELY A NICE GUY, PEEKS HIS HEAD IN)
GILL
Hey babe, I was just in the barn and I was thinking do you know where the hemlock is? I just checked in the good cupboard but -
(HE SPOTS GRUOCH AND THE INTERVIEWER)
Uhhhh… hello?
INTERVIEWER
Good day, I’m so sorry to intrude -
GRUOCH
My love, this isn’t what it looks like -
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nonono. We’re really more acquaintances from... work!
GRUOCH
Work? Work! I told him you’d be furious.
GILL
Oh it’s all good, mate, I’m Gill, nice to meet you.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Charmed.
GILL
Anyway, I don’t really umm - like I was saying, do you know where the hemlock is? Tiberius’s stomach has been acting up again and I just wanna make sure he didn’t get into it because Johannes told me he tried it last week and said that stuff is not edible. I could go into the details but I’ll spare your womanly ears.
GRUOCH
How considerate.
GILL (CON’T)
just trust me, a lot of excrement. From everywhere you might expect, and honestly… honestly some places you might not.
GRUOCH
Did you check the cupboard?
GILL
I did, yeah. The good one.
GRUOCH
What about any of the other dozen or more we have?
GILL
Well we don’t really store anything in the bad cupboards, do we? Those are more just for show.
GRUOCH
You think the bad cupboards are for show?
GILL
Alright, I’ll go check, but um… Are we still doing lamb shank tonight?
GRUOCH
I don’t know, did you ask the cooks.
GILL
Well, no because I thought you were doing it?
GRUOCH
If I was going to do it, then why on earth do we have cooks in the first bloody place?!
GILL
But I like it when you cook it.
GRUOCH
Do you know how long it takes to properly roast lamb shank, Gill?
GILL
Uh. No.
GRUOCH
Well, let’s just say if I start cooking it now you won’t be eating dinner until next Tuesday!
GILL
What have I told you about telling me things in Time: I don’t understand it, I don’t like it.
INTERVIEWER
Would you two like some privacy?
GRUOCH
We’re fine! Gill?
GILL
Yeah.
GRUOCH
We’ll do lamb shank tomorrow. Tonight, we’ll have Angus cook up some beef, ok?
GILL
But I really wanted lamb tonight.
GRUOCH
Tomorrow! We can have the lamb tomorrow.
GILL
Tomorrow? Alright, fine. I’m gonna go search for the hemlock cuz I got a sneaky suspicion ole’ Tiberius may have a better idea of what’s in the bad cupboards than me, eh? But then I’ll probably just be in the barn, so you know where to find me. Hey, sir?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
GILL
You staying for dinner?
INTERVIEWER
Probably not?
GILL
Alright, well… toodles.
(THE DOOR SLAMS. WE CAN HEAR VAGUE WHISTLING AS GILL WALKS AWAY. GRUOCH GROANS)
INTERVIEWER
Husband?
GRUOCH
How’d you guess.
INTERVIEWER
Charming. And if you need some time to go check on your child, to make sure their stomach is in working -
GRUOCH
Oh no, Tiberius is not my son. Luloch is my son. Tiberius is a goat my husband keeps in his precious barn and refuses to slaughter because he thinks his eyes are amusing.
INTERVIEWER
Ahh. Domestic life, delightful.
GRUOCH
(DRYLY) Can’t get enough of it. But… ugh, it’s just not what I thought it would be.
INTERVIEWER
Being married?
GRUOCH
Yes! And to a lord! Do you know how he got his title?
INTERVIEWER
He killed someone for it?
GRUOCH
He killed someone for it! Now look at him? Can you believe that man would have the swagger to kill anything?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm. Not on purpose, no.
GRUOCH
He won’t even slaughter his goat with the funny eyes because now he’s grown attached.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. Would you like to talk about it?
GRUOCH
No.
INTERVIEWER
Alright.
GRUOCH
It’s just… not what I imagined.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, really? How so?
GRUOCH
You know how when you’re a kid and you lay awake at night thinking of your future and it’s this amazing adventure? No two days are the same, there’s surprises, there’s romance, (INTERVIEWER YAWNS) there’s spontaneous holidays, and sure, maybe it’s not always gonna be easy, maybe it’ll be horrible, even, but at least you know it’ll be so fantastic that people will remember it.
INTERVIEWER
Mmhm.
GRUOCH
And then in walks this tall drink of water, bragging about how he’s won 100 battles and slaughtered the lord of your town and is looking for a bride and you think ‘well, this guy seems to know how to make an impression.’ Ya know, ‘whatever happens there, that’s gonna be something interesting, and if he thinks I’m the one for him, that means I’m interesting too’.
INTERVIEWER
And that’s… Gill?
GRUOCH
Yep. That’s Gill. Or was.
INTERVIEWER
Huh. What happened - if you don’t mind my asking.
GRUOCH
I’m not quite sure. We got married, moved into the castle, had Luloch, and then Gill just sort of… stopped.
INTERVIEWER
As in “stopped”...?
GRUOCH
Stopped everything. Stopped sweeping me off my feet, stopped striving forward to bigger and better things, Just… Stopped.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
GRUOCH
And after a while I also stopped being his partner in all that greatness and started just being his wife.
INTERVIEWER
And Luloch?
GRUOCH
What about Luloch? He’s seen two summers, he’s content to just sit by the pond and laugh at the ducks. Takes after his father in that, probably.
INTERVIEWER
And do you think they’re both… happy?
GRUOCH
Honestly? I do. I really do.
INTERVIEWER
And you?
GRUOCH
Well. You’re here. So…
INTERVIEWER
I don’t mean to pry but -
GRUOCH
Literally the entire reason you’re here -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
But… if you could… would you want to go back? To the way it was before, with Gill?
GRUOCH
No? Oh gods, is that horrible to say?
INTERVIEWER
No! Not at all, not at all, there’s no judgment here, this is a judgment-free zone.
GRUOCH
I just want to keep moving forward, you know? The past is… I’ve done that, or at least that version of that. And when it was good, it was good. But I don’t want to settle for good. I want…
INTERVIEWER
Great?
GRUOCH
More! I want a legacy that will blow through the sands of time, something that I’m remembered for, something that’s… I don’t know… mine.
INTERVIEWER
And what do you think this thing you’d like to do is?
GRUOCH
Oh I don’t know, it could be anything!
INTERVIEWER
Sure, but this whole process really does go a lot faster if you have some idea of what that thing is.
GRUOCH
But how could I? Honestly? I know how to knit, cook, slaughter livestock for said cooking, and read runes. And that last one I can’t even really do anymore because Gill doesn’t like shapes with more than 3 sides. It’s not exactly like I was being brought up to be Socrates.
INTERVIEWER
So you just want to be… more. With room to be more than more.
GRUOCH
Well, god, when you put it that way it sounds pretty childish, doesn’t it?
INTERVIEWER
No, no! No, not at all. Look, there’s nothing childish about dreaming above your circumstances. For many of us it’s how we survive. Maybe we’ll put a pin in the What of it all for now and focus on the How. Hm?
GRUOCH
Come again?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm. Let’s get as many specifics down as we can before we start shading in the shapes with more than 3 sides. Are the services The Brotherhood supplies - and which I regretfully have to offer you -
GRUOCH
Because you lost a bet.
INTERVIEWER
Because I lost a bet.
GRUOCH
Charming.
INTERVIEWER
- to your interest?
GRUOCH
And those services are?
INTERVIEWER
To elaborately and definitively disappear… you. And place you in a vocation and lifestyle where - hopefully - you’ll be able to achieve everything it is you want to achieve.
GRUOCh
Right, and how do you suppose we do all of that?
INTERVIEWER
Well, first we falsify your demise.
GRUOCH
You’re gonna kill me?!
INTERVIEWER
Falsely.
GRUOCH
What, like, build a copy of me made of sackcloth and hay and cover it in pig’s blood?
INTERVIEWER
That’s… an idea.
GRUOCH
Or, or I tell Gill I’m going to catch some fish from the river and supply some drunken townsperson with a dampened gown to show I drowned?
INTERVIEWER
…I actually think the first idea is slightly edging that one out.
GRUOCH
Or, or, or tell him I want to spend some quality time in the barn with his precious goat and burn the whole place to the ground?
(INTERVIWER GASPS)
What? Do I have something on my face?
INTERVIEWER
No… no nothing of the sort but that plan… A fire in the barn with you inside that’s… huh… Yes…
GRUOCH
That’s pretty good, right! Maybe I have a knack for something after all! Maybe your Brotherhood of whose and whatsits is looking to bring on one more.
INTERVIEWER
Ha. Oh, you’re serious. If only that were so simple, but yes, I do think this plan could work. Just tell me: does there happen to be any kindling of any kind in the barn, something we could use to start the fire from the inside so as not to arouse suspicion?
GRUOCH
Kindling?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, anything! Anything. Sticks, dry leaves, hay!
GRUOCH
It’s a barn in Scotland, nothing’s dry.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
GRUOCH
Although… I think we have some of Tiberius’ dry hay in one of the bad cupboards.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, well! There you have it then! We have your escape!
GRUOCH
We do? We do! Wait, this is really gonna happen? We’re really gonna do this!
INTERVIEWER
You bet your plain sackcloth, we do! Now, there are only a few other questions we still need to answer.
GRUOCH
Like what?
INTERVIEWER
What to do with your belongings?
GRUOCH
Burn ‘em.
INTERVIEWER
How we want to let Gill find out and how best to spare his feelings?
GRUOCH
Screw ‘em.
INTERVIEWER
And, of course, how you want to spend your coming years?
GRUOCH
F-
Well. I don’t know.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. (FRUSTRATED) You don’t know? But you sounded so eager for -
GRUOCH
Well, yeah, for something new! Of course! But… there’s so many options, yeah?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but usually people have ideas. Ambitions. Dreams.
GRUOCH
Well duh, I’ve got loads of those.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sure.
GRUOCH
Oodles.
INTERVIEWER
Obviously.
GRUOCH
Massive ideas.
INTERVIEWER
You’re growing more convincing every minute.
(A BEAT. SHE HAS NO IDEAS)
Alright, how about a proposal?
GRUOCH
I love a proposal.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) I’ll go back to The Brotherhood. For the night. And then I’ll come back tomorrow. That gives you time to make your arrangements and think specifically about what life it is that you want for yourself.
GRUOCH
Yes! Absolutely. Tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
But when you’re considering all of that, also consider this: I can’t snap my fingers and put you in a dream. Wherever you go and whatever you do, it will be the start of a new life, but the rest is up to you.
GRUOCH
I don’t know if you realize how qualified I am for that.
INTERVIEWER
I had a feeling you might be. Now we’ll meet back here tomorrow for our little ‘Barn-fire’. Oh, like a bonfire but in a barn, see what I did there! Well, I thought that was clever.
GRUOCH
(UNHUMOURED) Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER
I thought it was clever.
GRUOCH
It was fine.
INTERVIEWER
We’ll meet back here tomorrow and go through with our plan for your disappearance. Yes?
GRUOCH
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Tomorrow. Shake on it?
GRUOCH
Shake on it.
INTERVIEWER
But… before we shake. Are you ready for what this will entail? The challenges, the unfamiliarity, and the opportunity it presents.
GRUOCH
Yes. Yes, I am.
(SHE SPITS INTO HER HAND AND EXTENDS IT)
Shake?
INTERVIEWER
(GROSSED OUT) Oh well… when in Rome.
THEY SHAKE HANDS.
INTERVIEWER
You know actuallym they don’t shake hands in Rome -
GRUOCH
(KINDLY)
Ya know, honestly, I don’t care -
INTERVIEWER
Right, just a fun… nevermind. Tomorrow! I will see you here at the same time tomorrow.
GRUOCH
Tomorrow!
INTERVIEWER
And tomorrow, feel free to tell Gill, if you can’t eat it and it doesn’t smell nice there is literally no reason to keep it in the house. Hemlock is so easy to mistake for so many other types of edible greens.
GRUOCH
You say this to me like I don’t tell him that every day.
INTERVIEWER
Well then, tomorrow.
SOUND of us returning to 1053.
BACK IN DUNSINANE, 1053
SOUND of a barn on fire and general panic from those all around.
INTERVIEWER
NARRATES
But when I came back the next day… I couldn’t find you. Or Gill for that matter. But whatever it was that happened, it’s obviously worked! You were able to successfully fake your death and look at you now, Queen of Scotland, regent of the Lochs and Highlands.
GRUOCH
Yes, except…
INTERVIEWER
Except for the fact that I’m here now… So… why is that?
GRUOCH
Well, I require your services. Again.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes, well. You do know the Brotherhood’s clients don’t typically get repeat services. It’s not like we have a punchcard.
GRUOCH
I don’t even know what that is so how could I want it.
INTERVIEWER
Actually that would be a devilishly clever piece of marketing... Ha! Need to remember to suggest that to - Not the time - Nevermind! Sorry, I'm still just… baffled. How did this happen? You went through with our plan. We, uh, shook on it.
GRUOCH
Like they don’t do in Rome.
INTERVIEWER
Correct. Yes, they don’t.
GRUOCH
Do you want the long version or the short version?
INTERVIEWER
I find the short version tends to roll into the long version so let’s start there.
GRUOCH
Well, the short version is I saw an opportunity and I took it.
(He waits for her to continue. She doesn’t)
INTERVIEWER
Alright, no roll then, so I’m going to have to ask for elaboration.
GRUOCH
Fine! In the 24 hours between you leaving and supposedly returning I couldn’t get anywhere near the barn because Gill and that bloody goat wouldn’t leave. I even did the lamb shank he wanted just so he would get out of the damn thing and come inside but noooo he wanted to eat in the barn to make sure Tiberius was okay.
I should’ve made roast leg of goat is what I should’ve done, but by the next day when Gill had to go to his weekly meeting of “hearing the peasants whine about whatever it is they’re concerned with,” I had my opportunity.
The barn was so dark and musty since Gill had all the windows nailed closed to encourage Tiberius’s rest, so I had to hang a torch up just to see how I could even begin to get the plan underway. Then I remembered I’d forgotten to pack the travel disguise I picked out as soon as you left and when I came back guess who was in the barn, checking on his fucking goat! But then… the most amazing thing happened.
INTERVIEWER
What…?
GRUOCH
Thunder. In the middle of the day. A sign from above for… I don’t know what exactly but it caused Tiberius to kick over that damn torch! And all I had to do was… lock the door.
INTERVIEWER
So… so you… you locked your husband in a burning - ?
GRUOCH
I couldn’t wait on a “maybe”. I hoped you’d understand. “Judgment-free”, remember?
INTERVIEWER
I do, I do, but there’s a difference between not judging one’s thoughts and not judging one’s actions.
GRUOCH
But if the action were dictated by thought and only carried out after careful consideration and if it were done, not only thoughtfully, but quickly… painlessly.
INTERVIEWER
As painless as burning alive in a barn.
GRUOCH
Well.
INTERVIEWER
So you got away.
GRUOCH
And you never came back.
INTERVIEWER
I –
GRUOCH
We made it a couple months, traveling, staying in taverns after hours -
INTERVIEWER
‘We’?
GRUOCH
Hmm? Oh, Me and Luloch. What, I wasn’t just gonna leave my kid there, I'm not heartless. So, as I was saying, after Gill burned up rotisserie-style, we travelled for a couple of months, staying in taverns and whatnot until I met… him.
INTERVIEWER
Him? You mean Macb-
(SHE HOLDS HIS MOUTH SHUT AGAIN)
GRUOCH
Shh shh shh shh! Don’t say his name!
INTERVIEWER
Why? Oh, is it cursed?
GRUOCH
Cursed? No!
INTERVIEWER
(MUFFLED DISAPPOINTMENT)
GRUOCH (CON’T)
but there’s a whole troupe of castle employees looking for me under that name and I don’t particularly want to be overheard, you know? Gossip.
(HE GETS HIS MOUTH BACK)
INTERVIEWER
You just freely talked about burning your first husband alive in a barn?
GRUOCH
I mean, yeah. Everyone thinks you burned your first husband in a barn fire, they start doing their jobs a lot faster.
INTERVIEWER
But you did kill your first husband in a barn-fire.
GRUOCH
Well then, I guess it’s a good thing they do their jobs fast, isn’t it.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t understand! Why do you need me - why do you need The Brotherhood - if you’re doing so well, if you’ve got everything you wanted. I mean -you’re the Queen.
GRUOCH
It’s… him. The big guy.
INTERVIEWER
Macb-?
(GETS HIS MOUTH SHUT AGAIN)
GRUOCH
Mmm!
INTERVIEWER
Yes yes, alright, could you please take your hand off my mouth.
(FREE AGAIN)
Thank you. why is it because he’s…?
GRUOCH
Mmmhmm.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Gruoch, I am sorry. That must be awful.
GRUOCH
God, it really is.
INTERVIEWER
To be married to someone turning so-
INTERVIEWER/GRUOCH (AT THE SAME TIME)
Horrible!/Nice!
INTERVIEWER
I– I’m sorry did you say “nice”?
GRUOCH
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
And this is… a bad thing?
GRUOCH
See? I knew you’d understand.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t though.
GRUOCH
But you were able to understand it when it came to Gill, what’s so difficult to grasp here?
INTERVIEWER
With Gill I got it, I mean, he was a low-level lord, no harm no foul, you and he just wanted different things! It’s easy to grasp that - besides, you were a child. It’s impossible to be trapped in a situation like that so young when you barely know what it is you want in any situation, let alone in a marriage. But now… you’re married to the King of Scotland, who it seems loves you-
GRUOCH
Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER
Loves your son -
GRUOCH
Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER
And is - apparently - super “nice”, and you want me to have sympathy for your situation?
GRUOCH
Yes, in fact I do! Because he wasn’t always like that! When we first met, oh gods, he was so rough-edged. He could be sweet, sure, but… really only to me. He was in a tavern with his men on the way back home from a battle with the Norwegians and I was his server.
We got to talking after my shift, I found out the man Gill killed to become Lord was actually his dad! We had so much in common. We courted for weeks and were finally married on a hill in Sorris with just Luloch and the last King, Duncan, himself officiating. Oh, he was a sweetheart. Duncs, I mean. So you can imagine how difficult it was when he died of a heart attack in his sleep, I mean we were completely distraught, but the country still needed a leader and when you’re the biggest and the strongest… you get it.
INTERVIEWER
The concept of ‘Tanistry’? I do get it - whether I agree with it… eh.
GRUOCH
You’d rather the English model of being born into it, then, I suppose?
INTERVIEWER
Well, no, but I’m… there has to be another option.
GRUOCH
Well there wasn’t so… we became King and Queen. And for a while it was good. First year, no war, unheard of around here. Not bad. But then year two? Peace. Year three? Peace. Year four? Peace!
INTERVIEWER
So you’re upset that he ushered in four years of peace?
GRUOCH
Twelve! Twelve years of peace! Twelve years and the closest we’ve come to any conflict is when he uses the last bit of roughage in the latrine!
INTERVIEWER
So you’re upset that he’s ushered in twelve years of peace. In Medieval Scotland. I’m sorry… WHAT?!
GRUOCH
I know. It’s so boring.
INTERVIEWER
But-
GRUOCH (CON’T)
The economy is flourishing, the people love him, he just started a national theatre - I mean, it is mostly puppets but it’s a start. It’s not like I want a war or anything, but I don’t know… Do you know he goes out of his way to check on the citizens, regular trips to the country for charity work, for fun? It’s like I don’t even know him anymore!
INTERVIEWER
…I’m sorry, and you’ll forgive me if this sounds brash, but are you out of your damn mind?
GRUOCH
Go on.
INTERVIEWER
You called us here, The Brotherhood, to fake your death again, because the man you married turned out to be a good person?
GRUOCH
Well, when you put it like that it sounds pretty silly.
INTERVIEWER
Well yes, that is because it is silly! From your own reporting you have about as much conflict in your life as your country does: which is none. So why do you insist on creating it?
GRUOCH
No. No, that is not fair! I’m not creating anything! It’s shite! Alright?! Every day, Every night, every… thing is exactly the same. It’s always the same. Gill was nice but boring, Mac was… Ambitious! Just like me. He looked at me and he saw the same thing, two halves of the same whole. Two souls completely dedicated to doing more. To being more.
INTERVIEWER
And you became king and queen. I mean, what’s more more than that?
GRUOCH
Being remembered! Being good puts food on the table, being good keeps the populace from rising up and killing you in your sleep, being good means that everyone goes about their day smiling about and going to the play and baking their neighbours meat pies but it means nothing tomorrow. The king before us, Duncan, was nice, too, and in the 12 years since he died peacefully and nicely in his bed, do you know who still talks about him?
INTERVIEWER
I suppose you’re going to say nobody?
GRUOCH
Bloody nobody!
INTERVIEWER
…figures
GRUOCH (CON’T)
He went to war 6 times – six times – and no one cares because he made the stupid choice to not get murdered! I could get murdered!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I wouldn’t jump right in like that –
GRUOCH
That is why I need to do it again. I chose wrong, but I still have time. You can give me the rest, send me somewhere else where I can make something of myself. Something that people will remember.
INTERVIEWER
Gruoch, I hear you. I do. And I’m… sympathetic? But you’ve already used our services. We can’t do it again.
GRUOCH
What? No, no I didn’t.
INTERVIEWER
Uh… The barn, the fire, the new life. We shook on it. It’s against regulation.
GRUOCH
Oh, screw your regulation! Screw it right to the — screwing… thing! I didn’t fake my own death. I didn’t go through with your plan, I should still get my shot. I deserve it.
INTERVIEWER
You still got a new life. It counts.
GRUOCH
Was this all this? A curse? Are you… tricking me, tormenting me?
INTERVIEWER
No, I’m really not –
GRUOCH
No, I know! I know I haven’t done anything wrong.
INTERVIEWER
That’s not what I said, you burned your first husband alive in a barn with his goat, that’s highly questionable -
GRUOCH
Oh pffff!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
But do you want to know the real reason I won’t help you again, Gruoch?
GRUOCH
…what?
INTERVIEWER
Because it’s always going to be like this. Always. No matter how many times you run away, or how many exciting people you tie yourself to, or how much chaos or joy you create… if you run away tomorrow, change everything about you, it’s never going to keep you from feeling the way you do right now.
GRUOCH
That… that can’t be true.
INTERVIWER
Well, it is
GRUOCH
It’s – it’s them, it’s this place, it’s –
INTERVIEWER
It’s you.
(SHE SCOFFS)
And it’s me. And it’s all of us. And I reckon it was Gill and your husband too.
GRUOCH
But… no, I can do something different, I can — I’ll do it on my own, then.
INTERVIEWER
Like how you married Macbeth on your own? Or lit the barn-fire on your own?
GRUOCH
Hang on – Tiberius kicked that torch-
INTERVIEWER
No he didn’t.
GRUOCH
But I… I did those things without your help.
(INTERVIEWER SCOFFS)
Maybe that’s why they went wrong. If I have your help, you can help me do it right, you can help me find the life that I want – maybe the person I am tomorrow will be better than the person I am today, maybe she’ll be worth being remembered, maybe she’ll be everything I’m not –
INTERVIEWER
Gruoch. What happens after you live is not yours to decide. That particular tomorrow is… terrifying. Unknowable. Unknowably terrifying. But it’s not yours.
GRUOCH
Then… Then what do I do?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) What else can you do? Stick it out. Find a new life, inside this one. You don't have to fear monotony if you’re present to little differences.
GRUOCH
And what? That’s it? I just… stay? And live out every day the same. Day after day after day just creeping along, the same every time, just some performance of
INTERVIWER
Oh-
GRUOCH
– what? Do I have something on my face?
INTERVIEWER
Actually… yes, just like a – Gruoch, you’re right.
GRUOCH
I know, but about what exactly?
INTERVIEWER
Now. I can’t give you a new life, but perhaps – perhaps I could give you a new story.
GRUOCH
Okay. Explain…
INTERVIEWER
Is it enough, instead of living a daring and adventurous life, to have others believe you did? If I can’t help you, the person, is it enough for me to help your legacy?
GRUOCH
I’m not sure. What do you have in mind?
INTERVIEWER
Not right now, not tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, but years from now, hundreds of years in the future, what if I can promise that people will know your name, that they will know your story and tell it for years to come?
GRUOCH
How?
INTERVIEWER
We have connections, and even if you won’t be here tomorrow, we will. A whisper in the right ear about someone who lived so long ago it can’t be properly known? Then that whisper turns into a story, that story gets heard by the right person, that person writes a book, that book gets read by, perhaps, a playwright. And then we get something new… A new story. A story that spreads further and deeper than the actual deeds, the actual life of the person it began with. And that, my dear — that is a legacy. That is immortality.
GRUOCH
(SIGHS) I don’t hate it. But I doubt the story of an antsy housewife is going to spark inspiration the way you think.
INTERVIEWER
That’s why it won’t just be the story of an antsy housewife - although trust me, there’s an audience for anything - but it’ll be... It’ll be… actually, no, what would you want it to be?
GRUOCH
Me? Oh I don’t know -
INTERVIEWER
Well why don’t you think about it, and I’ll come back tomorrow -
GRUOCH
Nonono, don’t you dare -
INTERVIEWER
I’m joking, I’m joking, I couldn’t resist. But seriously, how do you want your story told?
GRUOCH
Blood. Lots of blood. Adventure. Ambition. Love. Lust. Something, something about the difficulty of choice, free will. Maybe some witches.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
GRUOCH (CON’T)
About someone who wants everything, but doesn’t know what to do when they get it. Who thinks they did it wrong.
INTERVIEWER
I think we can work with that. But you understand, I can’t give you that life today. I don’t know if anyone could. But tomorrow — tomorrow people will know your name. Can that be enough?
GRUOCH
And I’ll never see it?
INTERVIEWER
No. But I’ll try to make it something you’d like. Blood and all.
GRUOCH
Right.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Well. Goodbye, m’lady.
GRUOCH
(CHEEKY) Goodbye, whoever you are. Your queen dismisses you.
INTERVIEWER
Ha, yes. Quite.
MUSIC AND CREDITS
PIP (CREDITS)
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Erika Sanderson as Gruoch, Laurence Owen as Gill and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina.
It was written by Lauren Grace Thompson and Ian Geers with story editing and direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baaden, dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
This show is listener funded by our magnanimous patrons without whom this podcast would disappear and reappear as How-to-Spot-a-Criminal video for MI5. If you’d like to chip in and contribute to future deaths and resurrections, we’d be so grateful. You can do so by becoming a patron for whatever amount makes sense for you, or by supporting us on Apple Podcast Subscriptions. Either way, you’ll get bonus perks and your listening experience won’t be interrupted by pesky ads. To find out more go to ameliapodcast.com
As always a big shoutout to our super patrons, at the time of recording that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames and Anonymous. Thank you for helping us tell stories.
And now the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
PRESENT DAY IN MONTMARTRE - NOT TOMORROW JUST YET
ALVINA
So Lady Macbeth… wasn’t some psycho with bad hand washing hygiene she was just… bored.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. I mean, at least when I knew her. But honestly, hearing it back just now, it sounds too easy. It wasn’t just about boredom or monotony. She was trapped. I don’t think I understood that then. But now…
ALVINA
You alright?
INTERVIEWER
Fine.
ALVINA
You want me to tell a joke or funny story?
INTERVIEWER
Oh? Do you know any jokes?
ALVINA
Once there were two tomatoes who walked into a road, and-
INTERVIEWER
You know what? I'm good.
ALVINA
So Gruoch never got to see the Scottish Play... That is kind of sad.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, but she did!
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes.
ALVINA
How? It wasn't written yet.
INTERVIEWER (OVER ALVINA’S SOFT LAUGHTER)
Leonardo da Vinci's time machine! It was stashed backstage at the Globe for years. One drunken night Kyd and I placed the machine right at the door between the dressing rooms and the corridor to the stage. We brought the entire cast back to the Middle Ages to perform just for Gruoch and her husband. As soon as they exited, they were back in London in 1606 - none the wiser.
ALVINA
Wow! And Gruoch...
INTERVIEWER
She loved it! Laughed until she screamed. I think the actors were a bit disconcerted, though... But it was the night of her life, though, I think.
I wish I had something to toast with... I'll raise this imaginary cup. Salut!
ALVINA
To what?
INTERVIEWER
To… Antoinette Ettienne and her prescient engraving. “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.”
ALVINA
I guess it's... not bad.
INTERVIEWER
A bit on the nose, maybe. But… not bad at all.
THE END.