EPISODE 86 - BASILIA
PIP
This episode is dedicated to our patron Doctormas, whose death we will fake by plummeting fridge, and who has requested to be resurrected as an up-and-coming motor cross racer, celebrated for his spectacular triple backflips whilst blindfolded. Be like Doctormas, support the show on Patreon and let us fake your death. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE.
EXT. MONTMARTE CEMETERY – NIGHT
(ALVINA IS SITTING IN THE MONTMARTRE CEMETERY. AROUND HER, THERE’S A LITTLE BIT OF WIND. OTHERWISE, THINGS ARE STILL)
(THERE ARE FOOSTEPS AS THE INTERVIEWER APPROACHES)
ALVINA
Hello
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, that took a bit longer than I expected.
Alvina
I’m amazed you found something open at this time of night.
INTERVIEWER
Never give up, never surrender. There we are.
(THERE’S A RUSTLE AS THE INTERVIEWER HANDS HER A PAPER CUP)
ALVINA
Thanks
INTERVIEWER
Careful, it’s quite hot.
ALVINA
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
It’s no Les Deux Magots, but... I thought some cocoa might help keep you warm. And keep your spirits up. We have entered the Dark Ages, after all. Not the most... pleasant period in our history. Well, in anyone’s history, for that matter…
ALVINA
(DISTANT, SUBDUED) Mmm...
INTERVIEWER
Are you all right?
ALVINA
Oh, fine. It’s just... well, not much to do here, so I was just looking at some of the graves. Lots of “chers fils” and “darling soeur” out here.
INTERVIEWER
Yes
ALVINA
It just got me thinking about what a weird custom it is.
INTERVIEWER
Which custom?
ALVINA
Oh, just... this. We’re born, we do a whole bunch of things, go on adventures, break hearts, and so on. And then we die, and how are we remembered? By whatever words someone carves into a rock over us. That’s the part that lasts forever. Bit weird, isn’t it?
INTERVIEWER
...yes. I see.
ALVINA
Not that you have had to worry about that, I guess.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina... my life’s work has been to help people disappear, oftentimes to help them avoid the consequences of the things they’ve done, the adventures they’ve gone on, and the hearts they’ve broken. What on Earth makes you think I don’t worry about the way people are remembered?
ALVINA
Okay, that’s fair.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, the last story I told you was all about changing the way a person is remembered.
ALVINA
True.
INTERVIEWER
Still… it is interesting. A lot of the time after I’m done, the memories people have of my clients can be rather disconnected from the truth of who they were. Not just in the case of Queen Grouch. In a way, I’m the only one that remembers who they were - who they really were. (ALVINA HUMS) What they did.
(SO, SO SOFTLY) And I’m the keeper of stories…
(NORMAL AGAIN) And I can tell you for a fact, nothing lasts forever. Not even stone.
ALVINA
Time for another story?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. One of my favourite clients. And one that I had a rather... extended relationship with.
ALVINA
Okay, okay, wait...
(SHE TAKES A SIP OF HER COCOA. SMACKS HER LIPS)
ALVINA
Oh, that’s surprisingly good.
INTERVIEWER
(OFFENDED) Surprisingly! Who do you take me for?
ALVINA
Do you want some?
INTERVIEWER
No. It tastes like ashes, remember?
ALVINA
Oh… yeah. I’m sorry.
INTERVIWER
Yes… It’s alright.
ALVINA
Okay! I’m ready now! Take me away.
INTERVIEWER
833. Anno Domini. Western Europe. On the shores of the Mediterranean...
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Paul Kraner. Episode 86 – Queen Basilia. 833 to 773. Episode by Gabriel Urbina.
INTERVIEW.
INT. CASTLE - HALL – NIGHT
(AN ANCIENT, STONE CASTLE)
DISTANTLY - PERHAPS THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW - WE MIGHT HEAR THE LAPPING SOUND OF OCEAN WAVES.
(KAAAA-THUNK! A GREAT WOODEN DOOR IS UNLATCHED AND SLOOOOWLY CREAKS OPEN.
SOME FOOTSTEPS AS SOMEONE ENTERS. THEY STOP, CONSIDER THE SPACE AROUND THEM FOR A BEAT)
INTERVIEWER
Hmm... Alright.
(HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY AN ATTENDANT)
Attendant
Is there a problem, sir?
INTERVIEWER
Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. Of course not, no problem.
ATTENDANT
Very good. Step this -
INTERVIEWER
It’s just - well, when I was told I was being summoned to the castle, I was expecting something a bit more... castle-y.
ATTENDANT
Castle-y, sir?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you know. Higher parapets. Grander halls.
(snaps fingers) Moats. I mean, yes, I do have to admit, I was slightly crushed when I realized this place did not have a moat.
(WE CAN’T SEE IT, BUT WE HEAR THE WAY THE ATTENDANT’S FACE IS TURNING SLIGHTLY PURPLE FROM INDIGNATION)
ATTENDANT
You stand in the grand chambers of her most empyrean majesty, Queen Basilia, first of her name, ruler of this territory and supreme protector of the ocean lands. I can assure you with absolute conviction that these are the most fantastically, superbly majestic fortifications in this or any other land.
INTERVIEWER
Uh. My word. That’s a good word, isn’t it? Empyrean. Em-py-re-an. Empire-rion! Empyrion! Oooh, that’s rather fun to say.
ATTENDANT
Sir, might one be so bold to presume that this would be your first time addressing royalty?
INTERVIEWER
Well, of course you might.
ATTENDANT
Yes, in that-
INTERVIEWER
You’d also be boldly wrong. I once spent an absolutely enchanted evening with the emperor of -
ATTENDANT
Even so, sir. I feel... compelled to make certain facets of how one addresses an individual as grand as her majesty clear to you, if I may?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, please. I’m all ears.
ATTENDANT
Terrific. You will find that when addressing one as wise as the queen, one’s speech, eh, can be kept rather short and to the point. “Yes, ma’am” and “no ma’am” should in almost all circumstances be the totality of your vocabulary.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, uh-huh
ATTENDANT
Never stare at her majesty - in fact look directly at her as little as possible.
INTERVIWER
Right.
ATTENDANT
You will bow when you first enter, and incline your head when you exit.
INTERVIEWER
Incline... Which direction is that?
ATTENDANT
But - and this is vital - the most important thing -
QUEEN BASILIA (CALLING FROM THE ADJACENT ROOM)
I believe you’ll find that the most important thing is not to keep her majesty waiting.
ATTENDANT
Yes, ma’am.
QUEEN BASILIA
That will do, Nestor. I will see the man now.
ATTENDANT
Right this way, sir. Best of luck.
INTERVIEWER
(PUZZLED) Thank you.
(A FEW MORE STEPS, THEN)
Your majesty. It is an honour.
Was that a good bow? I can try that again if it was not up to your empyrean standards.
QUEEN BASILIA
Oh, perfectly acceptable. Please, sit.
(QUEEN BASILIA (FEMALE, EARLY 40’s) IS A SHREWD WOMAN WITH A SHARP, BITING WIT AND A DISTINCT LACK OF PATIENCE FOR FOOLS)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you, ma’am.
(AS HE PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS IN IT)
I must say, it is rather thrilling to get to work with someone of your stature.
QUEEN BASILIA
Is it now? Well, I suppose my stature will have to make up for how disappointing my parapets are.
INTERVIEWER
(EMBARRASED) Ahh... I was rather hoping her majesty had not heard that. Just a... momentary lapse in judgment, ma’am. Yours is a tremendous castle. And from what I can see every corner of it is filled with such an assortment of exciting objects!
QUEEN BASILIA
Oh. Those. Ignore that. That is just my insufferable fellow royals living up to their name.
INTERVIEWER
Come again?
QUEEN BASILIA
My coronation was only six months ago, but news travels quickly in this modern age. Presents have started to arrive from the other heads of state around Europe. Henry of France sent enough bearskin rugs for every room in the castle. Roger of Sicily sent some delightful paintings of himself putting some rebels to the sword. And Fredrick, high duke of the Holy Roman Empire and ever the comedian of the bunch, sent quite a large shipment of king crab, which I expect we’ll be eating for the next three weeks.
INTERVIEWER
How... charming.
(THE QUEEN SCOFFS)
Terribly nice of them to think of you.
QUEEN BASILIA
As most monarchs do, they are thinking only of themselves, especially when claiming to do something for others.
INTERVIEWER
Well... I didn’t want to say that before you did. Was there no present to your liking?
QUEEN BASILIA
One.
(SHE GESTURES TOWARDS A SMALL TABLE, WHERE A GAME AWAITS)
QUEEN BASILIA
Bermudo of León had this sent over. A clever little game that they inherited from their conquerors. It’s called “ajedrez.”
INTERVIEWER
It looks a bit like the old Roman Brigands, doesn’t it?
QUEEN BASILIA
The heart of it is the same, though it is infinitely more complicated. Every piece has a different function, and a different way of traversing the board. This one –
(SHE PUTS A PIECE DOWN ON THE BOARD, MAKING IT “CLACK!”
- is called the king. And its capture signals the end of the game. But this one –
(CLACK)
INTERVIWER
Yes
QUEEN BASILIA
- this one is able to move in all directions and conquer all others. That why it’s called the queen.
I quite appreciate the perspicacity of any game where the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.
INTERVIEWER
... your majesty. If I might perhaps ask a... rather indelicate question?
QUEEN BASILIA
I had you brought here for an indelicate matter. Ask your question.
INTERVIEWER
Your kingdom. It is not... traditionally a land where the crown follows a matriarchal line of succession... is it?
QUEEN BASILIA
(FAKE-SHOCK) Are you asking how in the world I came to be queen?
(INTERVIWER SPLUTTERS, BECAUSE YES HE IS)
The truth is nobody expected it, least of all me. I was a born a princess, and my destiny should have been to stay that way. As the king’s older sister, I spent most of my life rather far from centre-stage. While my brother learned the proper way to sit on a throne and make a crown sparkle, I availed myself of the royal tutors. Arranged an education in mathematics, trade, justice, logistics. And so, when my brother came of age, he could have a voice of wisdom in the shadows, someone that could handle lesser matters while he wore the regalia.
INTERVIEWER
And then?
QUEEN BASILIA
And then... tragedy. Or more accurately, a series of tragedies. My younger brother died in a hunting accident. (INTERVIWER HUMS) A sudden fever took our uncle. A drunken duel left us without our cousin once removed. And a shipwreck killed the king. And his only son.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
QUEEN BASILIA
All within a year. So, to answer your impertinent question, no: the crown does not usually trickle down to women. It abhorred me almost as much as I abhor it, but we were both left with little choice on the matter.
INTERVIEWER
You were quite literally the last man standing.
QUEEN BASILIA
(CHUCKLES) Or to the closest thing to it, in any case.
INTERVIEWER
Quite. With all due respect to your departed brother... it perhaps sounds like your kingdom might be better off for having a ruler like yourself. If you were handling matters of trade and logistics and justice... what was your brother doing during his reign?
QUEEN BASILIA
Averting disaster.
INTERVIEWER
Y-your majesty?
QUEEN BASILIA
(CHUCKLES) Tell me... you’ve travelled through my kingdom to reach my castle. You rode down my roads, walked among my people, ate of my bread and drank of my wine. What did you see as you did all of that? What is my kingdom, to your eyes?
INTERVIEWER
(NOT SURE HOW TO PROCEED) Oh. Uh. It is a... fair kingdom. Its fields are bounteous, its roads are wide, its cathedrals tall. There’s ample trade and-
(LAUGHS AND INTERRUPTS)
QUEEN BASILIA
Now you’re just saying what Nestor would like you to say. Don’t. The man I’ve been promised would see something beyond that. And he wouldn’t be afraid to say so. So tell me the truth: what did you… see?
INTERVIEWER
Well, uhm.
Fear.
Fear, everywhere I went. In every town square, and church, and marketplace. Practically in every house. Fear.
(THE QUEEN SIGHS)
It’s lie your people are living with a sword dangling over their head.
QUEEN BASILIA
Tens of thousands of swords, actually.
INTERVIEWER
... come again?
(THE QUEEN LAUGHS A LITTLE BITTERLY)
QUEEN BASILIA
For a long time, my kingdom has been blessed. Fertile plains. Access to the sea and its bounty. A favourable position in major trade routes, both by sea and by land. And when your own house looks that lovely, the neighbours tend to start getting a little envious.
INTERVIEWER
Ahh...
QUEEN BASILIA
My grandfather was long able to keep the wolves at bay. So was my father. And for all of his rather immense shortcomings, so was my brother, in his own particular way.
INTERVIEWER
But now...
QUEEN BASILIA
... things are different.
INTERVIWER
Hm.
(SHE STARTS TO SET UP GAME PIECES ON THE BOARD AS SHE TALKS)
Everywhere I look, I see a different army marshaling forces. France...
(SHE PUTS A PIECE DOWN - CLACK!)
... Aragon...
(ANOTHER ONE - CLACK!)
... Castille...
(AND ANOTHER - CLACK!)
... and the Holy Roman Empire.
(CLACK!)
And that’s just by land, mind you. I turn to the sea and what do I find? The navies of the Sicilies...
(CLACK! ANOTHER PIECE)
... England... and the Almohads.
(CLACK! CLACK!)
I’m surrounded by them on all sides. And I know exactly how they think of my kingdom: a trapped animal, without the forces it needs to defend itself, and an impending succession crisis.
INTERVIEWER
Impending suc- ah.
QUEEN BASILIA
No spouse, no children. Never quite found the time, you see.
INTERVIEWER
I do see. Yes.
QUEEN BASILIA
And so, when we take all of that together... we’re left with a simple conclusion. The wolves are at my door. And it’s going to take a miracle to drive them off.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm...
(THE WHEELS IN HIS HEAD ARE TURNING NOW - THE FIRST GLIMMERS OF PROFESSIONAL CURIOSITY AND ENGAGEMENT)
INTERVIEWER
Maybe not quite a miracle. This sticky situation could yet be resolved in the way these matters are traditionally dealt with, couldn’t it? I mean, why not simply choose one of your neighbours and ally with them? Hardly ideal, I realize, but a pact of alliance, sealed with a marriage between yourself and a corresponding prince? Now, that might be enough to bolster your kingdom’s safety, no?
Queen BASILIA
But not to guarantee it.
INTERVIWER
Hm.
QUEEN BASILIA
Ask yourself: what happens when I marry the prince of Aragon and join my lands to his father’s, only to have France decide it wants my territories more than it fears the wrath of Iberia? They might decide to invade anyway, possibly with a shiny new military alliance of their own.
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
QUEEN BASILIA
And then what happens? Well, maybe we are able to fend off the invading forces after years or possibly decades, of fighting, or maybe, after a similar span of non-stop horror, we are conquered and ground into the dust. Difficult to say which outcome would be more likely, but you know what happens in either case?
(SHE MOVES HER HAND ACROSS THE BOARD, KNOCKING OVER ALL THE PIECES SHE’D ARRANGED BEFORE)
QUEEN BASILIA
A bloodbath.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes. One that would undoubtedly result in the deaths of thousands of your subjects. Ugh. Blimey. I... I am beginning to understand the magnitude of the problem you are faced with.
QUEEN BASILIA
I’m pleased to hear that. Especially as this is where you come into these matters.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I rather suspected it might be. I assume that I’ve been brought here to... take the queen off the board, so to speak?
QUEEN BASILIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
What? Are - are we not discussing ways of making you disappear, your majesty?
QUEEN BASILIA
What? Good heavens, absolutely not. Are you mad?
INTERVIEWER
But - but - !
QUEEN BASILIA
Don’t be ridiculous. How would that help matters? If anything, the sudden abdication of the ruling monarch might only precipitate an invasion.
INTERVIEWER
I -
QUEEN BASILIA (CON’T)
In what way would that help my subjects? Why would you think that?
INTERVIEWER
I - your majesty, it’s… I mean, it’s what I do. You rule wisely and thoughtfully with a thorough understanding of the economic backbone that gives a nation its foundation, I pluck people out of complicated situations by simulating their death! If that is not what I have been summoned to accomplish, why then am I here?
QUEEN BASILIA
I don’t want you to make me disappear. I want you to make my entire kingdom disappear.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS, THINKING IT A JOKE AT FIRST)I beg your pardon? Ma’am?
QUEEN BASILIA
(SLOW, AND CLEAR) I want you to make my entire kingdom disappear. If we are here, we are going to get invaded, and countless of us will die. We need to not be here. I want you to make this happen.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Uhm. This is... it’s quite a task, ma’am.
QUEEN BASILIA
I am aware. But I have been led to believe that you are a man that enjoys a challenge.
INTERVIEWER
Even so! This is... I mean, this is ambitious. Even within the field of the ambitious, this would stand out as quite ambitious.
QUEEN BASILIA
But can it be done?
(AUDIBLE HESITATION, THE INTERVIWER THINKS)
Can it?
(THE INTERVIEWER TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THINKING)
INTERVIEWER
I believe it can. After a fashion. And with a bit of luck. Although the cost will be great.
QUEEN BASILIA
Money is no object. We may be lacking in armed forces, but not in funds. You should consider the royal treasury entirely at your disposal.
INTERVIEWER
No, nonono. That is not - okay, no that is very good, actually, because what I am thinking of will not be cheap, but... no, that is not what I meant. It is going to take quite a lot from you to make this happen. Among other things, a great deal of patience.
QUEEN BASILIA
Patience? The enemy is at the gate. How long will this plan of yours take?
(PAUSE)
Well?
AND OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: EXT. MONTMARTE CEMETERY – NIGHT
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA, SITTING TOGETHER, SIPPING COCOA)
ALVINA
How long did it take?
INTERVIEWER
Oh... a few.
ALVINA
A few what? Weeks? Months?
INTERVIEWER
... decades.
ALVINA
Decades?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, it was a very complicated plan! Lots of moving parts.
ALVINA
That is so not your style! I didn’t think you could stay in a single place for that long.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I didn’t exactly stay there the whole time. I worked with other clients. Tackled other problems. Visited the Highlands. This was just a... long-term investment of ours.
ALVINA
But -
INTERVIEWER
Could I please just tell the story?
ALVINA
Okay. Sure. Sorry.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. All right, then. Now, my next significant meeting with the queen took place six months later...
(OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: INT. CASTLE - AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY)
(FOOTSTEPS AS THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Your majesty! I am very, very happy to report that the plan is progressing splendidly. Much better even than I dared to hope, and it’s my plan!
QUEEN BASILIA
My own agents are reporting similar findings. Armies pulling back from our borders, fleets giving our ports a wide berth. It’s a rather amazing turn.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we pride ourselves on delivering amazing, ma’am.
QUEEN BASILIA
How did you do it? How did you manage to convince them?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, as with most things in life I simply had to make them believe that it was in their own self-interest to do the very thing we wanted them to do.
I’ll... admit I was briefly stumped on the particulars for this one. But then I corresponded with my... long-term colleague on the matter of your dilemma, and he provided a rather devious little trick. Yes. Bit of soap is applied to the skin, somewhere visible, and then doused with vinegar. It sort of... congeals on the skin. To all but the most well-trained eyes the effect is virtually indistinguishable from blisters, boils, open sores...
QUEEN BASILIA
All the tell-tale signs of deadly, infectious disease. The plague. It was you.
INTERVIEWER
Deadly, infectious, extremely contagious disease, your majesty. Yes, I mean, once we had that idea, the rest was simple logistics. A few actors were hired, and sightings were arranged in key places along the border, in major centres of trade and commerce, and in every bustling port town along your coast. Combine that with a few carefully vetted messengers, paid handsomely to rush to foreign cities with the dire news of outbreaks of disease, and... go on.
(HE PETERS OFF)
QUEEN BASILIA
Go on. Say it.
INTERVIEWER
(SO EXCITED)
And your entire kingdom is now seen the most festering, purulent place in all of Europe! Locus non grato for all of your enemies! Your borders couldn’t be more closed if we welded them shut!
(HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
QUEEN BASILIA
Oh yes, which, of course, delays any and all invading armies.
INTERVIEWER
Who in their right mind would send an army to bring back a deadly plague that will decimate their own nation?
QUEEN BASILIA
Yes. Well. Very clever. I believe it has gone off without a hitch.
INTERVIEWER
It has. Or, well, the start of the plan has. There’s quite a road still ahead of us, your majesty. All our simulated health crisis has done is buy us some badly-needed time.
QUEEN BASILIA
Time? Time to do what?
INTERVIEWER
To change the way people think about this country. Six months ago, it was seen as the most desirable plot of land for the modern conqueror looking to make his mark on the geopolitical stage. No good. Part one of the plan was to do away with that perception, and to replace it with the idea that your lands are -
QUEEN BASILIA
A horrid, festering pit of death?
INTERVIEWER
Quite beautifully put, your majesty, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Yes. Part two of the plan is to keep it that way for as long as possible. This nation needs to remain a place no one wants to go near, no one wants to visit, a place it would be unthinkable to set so much as a toe in. Only once it’s been that way in the public’s eye for a good, long time can we move onto part three of the plan.
QUEEN BASILIA
Which is?
INTERVIEWER
Why... to get people to stop thinking about your kingdom at all, your majesty. Of course.
QUEEN BASILIA
I see... and as for next steps?
INTERVIEWER
You’ll need to keep up the pretence of disease. Outbreaks only last so long, so there will need to be new ones. Mix it up too, vary the illness every few years or so. Plague. Cholera. Smallpox. Typhoid. Oooh, leprosy, I hear that’s all the rage these days. The more deadly, painful, and disfiguring the better, but it has to be a consistent state of outbreak. The moment someone in France starts to wonder if the situation down here has blown over, that’s your cue to unveil a new wave of virulent horror. (THE QUEEN HUMS) It’s the only way the plan will work.
QUEEN BASILIA
Understood. I’ll see that it’s all handled per your instructions.
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful. And, uh, incidentally, speaking of handling things.
QUEEN BASILIA
I’ve had a word with my treasurer. The funds to fulfil your contract should be ready this afternoon.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, bravo, your majesty.
QUEEN BASILIA
Mind you, you weren’t kidding when you said this wouldn’t be cheap. With the borders closed, whatever we can’t grow ourselves we need to rely on smugglers to bring in. It’s all starting to pile up.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... But speaking of smugglers, could your majesty put me in touch with a reliable and discreet ship’s captain?
QUEEN BASILIA
You need something brought into the kingdom?
INTERVIEWER
No, I need something brought out of the kingdom. Specifically, me. I must be brought out of the kingdom.
QUEEN BASILIA
Your work here is not done.
INTERVIEWER
My work for you is not done, no, but my work here is at a close. At least for now. The next phase of the plan requires me to attend to matters in the exterior. But never fear: I’ll be monitoring matters very closely, and I will return to aid you when the time is right.
QUEEN BASILIA
And when will that be?
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: EXT. MONTMARTE CEMETERY – NIGHT
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA, STILL TOGETHER)
ALVINA
Well?
INTERVIEWER
Hmm?
ALVINA
How long was it?
INTERVIEWER
Well... (SPLUTTERING)
Is your cocoa still warm?
ALVINA
You’re stalling.
INTERVIEWER
I’m not! I’m ensuring that you're enjoying a delicious cup of -
ALVINA
Cocoa, yes, I know. What, did you leave her alone for a whole year?
INTERVIWER
Oh, well, that would have been…
ALVINA
Two years?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
ALVINA (INCREASINGLY DESPERATE)
Four? Five?
INTERVIEWER
Nine years.
(ALVINA AUDIBLY GOES “?!”)
It was nine years before I next saw the queen...
ALVINA
Shameless!
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: INT. CASTLE - HALL - NIGHT
(KA-THUNK! THE SAME GRAND DOOR FROM THE FIRST SCENE SLAMS OPEN. THERE’S FOOTSTEPS AS THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, oh! Your majesty! It is so good to be able to breathe the air of your royal halls again.
QUEEN BASILIA
I was starting to lose hope that we’d ever see you again.
(THE QUEEN IS NOW IN HER 50’s, AND SOUNDS A BIT OLDER AND WEATHERED)
INTERVIEWER
Please, ma’am, when you hire the best, we see things through to the end.
QUEEN BASILIA
(CHUCKLES) Well, I’m very glad to hear that.
INTERVIEWER
Your... your majesty looks a bit... different than she did when we last met.
QUEEN BASILIA
(SARCASM) Yes. The rest of my hair’s finally gone grey. Nothing gets by you, does it?
INTERVIEWER
No, your - ma’am, where is your crown? Your sceptre? The royal rings? Where is your regalia?
QUEEN BASILIA
Ah. That.
It’s been... some years since I last saw those items. The past few seasons have not been kind to our treasury. It only gets more expensive to find sailors and traders willing to brave the risk of doing business with us. The costs of keeping my people fed have risen manifold since last I saw you. And the treasury does not replenish itself the way it once did.
INTERVIEWER
I am sorry, your majesty.
QUEEN BASILIA
Are you? I’m not.
They were just …things. Old things. Valuable things. But just things. If a thing can be the difference between a town starving or making it through the winter, well...(SOFTER) What kind of ruler would I be if I had kept my father’s ring.
(LOUDER) Bring me good news. What of the plan?
INTERVIEWER
The plan continues apace. I’ve been busy these past few years. I’ve travelled to London, Paris, Nuremberg, Toledo, Rome, and more still. Every major city on the continent. And everywhere I go, do you know where I visit?
QUEEN BASILIA
Merchant houses?
INTERVIEWER
Even better! (THE QUEEN HUMS) Cartographers!
QUEEN BASILIA
Cartographers?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Map-makers! Those who define what is what, what is where, and where everything else is relative to what and where everything is!
QUEEN BASILIA
I don’t follow.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you will in a moment. You see, once I’m there, I put vast amounts of your wealth into their hands to have them... redraw their maps. Every year, new maps are produced of Europe, and thanks to my efforts, every year your nation gets smaller and smaller. Different chunks and provinces of your territories are even now showing up as belonging to your neighbours.
QUEEN BASILIA
And that’s a good thing?
INTERVIEWER
It’s a great thing. Every year that passes your country shrinks and shrinks, and its peoples become the surreptitious citizens of the nations around it.
QUEEN BASILIA
... I see. A gradual … diminishment. Nothing so abrupt as to bring undue attention to itself. But given enough time...
INTERVIEWER
I have found the neatest, most bloodless way to literally have you and your people wiped off the map. We’ll just smuggle you into all the surrounding territories! Not that it matters too much right now, of course. Your entire lands are still very much strictly under quarantine - thank you for arranging that latest break of diphtheria, by the way, it was just the thing. But it’s good to get these things down on cowskin.
QUEEN BASILIA
And you’re sure this will work? The rulers of Europe are no fools, they’ll see what we’re doing.
INTERVIEWER
Firstly, your majesty, having now spent some time in your neighbours’ lands, I think if anything you are wildly overstating your counterparts’ intelligence. But secondly, even if they do, so what? No sovereign has ever gotten far in Europe by going, “Now, wait a minute, I’m fairly certain these lands don’t actually belong to me, let’s give them back to their proper owner as quick as we can!”
QUEEN BASILIA
That is a compelling point. Very well. If you’re sure this is the way to proceed.
INTERVIEWER
I can guarantee that in another decade or two, there will be no map left in Europe that even hints at your nation having existed at any point in history.
QUEEN BASILIA
And then?
INTERVIEWER
And then... comes the tricky part.
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: EXT. MONTMARTE CEMETERY – NIGHT
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA)
ALVINA
That wasn’t the tricky part?
INTERVIEWER
No, of course not. That was the easy part. The very long, time-consuming easy part. But the easy part, nonetheless.
ALVINA
Then what on Earth would be the tricky part?
INTERVIEWER
Well... think about it. I mean, it’s one thing for a map to say that a country doesn’t exist. It’s quite another for it to disappear from public consciousness. People remember an uncle saying they had gone there, or an old story that took place there. In this case, out of sight does not necessarily mean out of mind. I needed both.
ALVINA
... and you could do that?
INTERVIEWER
Well, in a manner of speaking. Although it took me a while to come up with a way to make it happen, and even longer to make it all come together. By the next time I saw the queen, another thirteen years had gone by.
ALVINA
Ugh, you’re infuriating!
INTERVIEWER
What?!
ALVINA
Thirteen years?!?!?
INTERVIEWER
It was a very detailed plan!
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY.
(THE VARIOUS SOUNDS OF A MEDIEVAL CONSTRUCTION SITE. WE HEAR CHISELING AND STONE BLOCKS SLIDING AROUND)
INTERVIEWER
Your majesty.
Queen BASILIA
Well, well... your timing is impeccable.
(THE QUEEN IS NOW IN HER 60’s AND WALKING WITH A CANE)
INTERVIEWER
I... suppose you might call it that. What is happening, here?
QUEEN BASILIA
What does it look like? They’re tearing down my castle. There’s a shortage of stone, and parts of the city need to be rebuilt after the flood. It was the most practical solution.
INTERVIEWER
I see.
QUEEN BASILIA
Besides, it was inevitable. You said it yourself, all those years ago. Sooner or later, we would have to rid ourselves of anything that pointed back to the kings and queens of this land. Any evidence that me or my family were ever here would need to be erased.
INTERVIEWER
Still... it was a lovely - if unfortunately moat-free - castle. Isn’t it hard to just... tear it down?
QUEEN BASILIA
Hard?
This castle was constructed by my great, great grandfather. It was a jewel upon the sea, and the seat of my family. My father’s bones rest in the crypts beneath it, the ones that we finished filling with dirt last week. Is it hard? Yes. It, like everything else about this process, is extremely hard.
(FOR A BEAT, THEY JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING AT THE ON-GOING CONSTRUCTION)
INTERVIEWER
(WISTFULLY) Yes…
My travels go well. It’s been a few years now since any map in Europe showed even a trace of your nation. I’ve made sure of that.
QUEEN BASILIA
Good.
INTERVIEWER
I’ve also been bribing, cajoling, tricking, or simply blackmailing as many record-keeping officials as I could get under my thumb. I figure by now the official paperwork in most of the continent describes a Europe without your nation in it.
QUEEN BASILIA
And the... other matter?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, the matter of... your psychic footprint as it were.
QUEEN BASILIA
How do you get the world to completely forget about a country?
INTERVIEWER
Ahh, see, this was the masterstroke. You... don’t!
We take that shared idea of your kingdom existing and displace it. Move it into the realm of folklore, of superstition. We make you a legend, an ancient legend.
QUEEN BASILIA
Is that so?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it very much is. I’ve visited all manner of scribes, libraries, archives, even some churches - anywhere they keep things written down. And everywhere I go, certain key texts get... lightly altered. Just a few superficial changes, to make it so that your nation is named as part of the mythology of peoples from by-gone ages. Then, I’ve made sure copies of those documents have spread far and wide. There are some discrepancies here and there - I was working quite quickly - but I think we can shrug that off as a bit of shoddy record-keeping.
(THERE’S A DEEP RUMBLE FROM THE CONSTRUCTION SITE)
Oh my…
QUEEN BASILIA
There goes the foundation of the king’s tower.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm...
Well, you see, as I was saying: that’s the brilliance of it. We don’t pretend your nation doesn’t exist anymore. We pretend it never existed in the first place! It was a fairy tale, something out of a half-remembered rhyme from a far-off place. That way, if anyone claims that you and your kingdom really were here, they’re suddenly not someone with an unusually sharp memory for detail - they’re a delusional old fool who can’t separate fact from fiction and who’s spent too much time listening to traveling minstrels and their songs. It’s perfect!
(HE LAUGHS SOFTLY, BUT SHE DOESN’T)
Your - your majesty? You don’t seem pleased. Is everything all right?
QUEEN BASILIA
It’s a brilliant plan, I can’t deny it.
INTERVIEWER
But?
QUEEN BASILIA
But… it’s a… challenge. Well, it’s all been a challenge, but this part especially. To let go of our history. Of our heritage. Of everything that made us... us.
(SHE SCOFFS) I started this, all those years ago, to save my people.
INTERVIEWER
And you did.
QUEEN BASILIA
Yes, but soon they won’t be my people.
Many of us who were here when we started have passed on. Others have started to believe our own lies. They think they’re French, or Iberian, or Germanic. There won’t be much left of us soon.
INTERVIEWER
You’re... you’re not having second thoughts, are you? Because -
QUEEN BASILIA
Of course I’m not. It was the right thing to do, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. But... while I’m still the queen of an invisible kingdom, having torn down my ancestors’ castle and sold my father’s crown... can I not pause to feel the weight of it all? Can I not feel a twinge of pain for the fact that all my history will soon be non-existent?
INTERVIEWER
Of course you can.
QUEEN BASILIA
“Of course you can, your majesty.”
INTERVIEWER
My sincere apologies. Of course you can, your majesty.
QUEEN BASILIA
That’s better. I - AHH!
(SHE STUMBLES. HE RUSHES FORWARD AND CATCHES HER)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, oh, oh, I got you, I got you. Are you all right?
QUEEN BASILIA
Fine, fine, it’s - just a bit of a stumble. My feet are not what they use to be.
INTERVIEWER
I see. Well, I suppose time makes stumblers of us all, as they say.
QUEEN BASILIA
It doesn’t seem to have much of an effect on you... You seem to have scarcely aged a day since we first met, almost thirty years ago. What’s your secret?
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUS) I’m sorry, your majesty. That’s, uh, rather complicated. A story for another time, perhaps.
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: EXT. MONTMARTE CEMETERY – NIGHT
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA, STILL TOGETHER)
ALVINA
I’m guessing that would be a challenge. And a reason for you not to hang around one place for too long.
INTERVIEWER
Yes...
ALVINA
Did you ever see the queen again?
INTERVIEWER
(WISTFULLY) Just once. Eighteen years later.
ALVINA
Eighteen years…
OFF OF THAT, WE CUT TO: INT. RAMSHACKLE HUT – DAY
(A SHODDY WOODEN DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
INTERVIEWER
H-hello? Hello? Your... your majesty?
QUEEN BASILIA
Ahhh, it’s you.
(THE QUEEN IS NOW IN HER EIGHTIES. SHE SOUNDS VERY FRAIL AND WEAK)
INTERVIEWER
Your majesty! It is you. I’ve been looking for you for days. What - what are you doing in this... this...?
QUEEN BASILIA
This ramshackle hut? Call things as they are.
(SHE LAUGHS A LITTLE BIT, AND IT TURNS INTO A COUGHING FIT)
I… I live here. It’s a quiet place, where an old woman can see out what remains of her days.
INTERVIEWER
But it’s - it’s squalid! How can you be here, I mean, you’re que-
QUEEN BASILIA
I know who I am. And, well... I don’t have much left besides that these days. I gave it all up for the plan. Eventually everyone that served me had to move on, had to find new parts to play. They had to feed themselves, after all.
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes… But - what about Nestor? He doesn’t seem like the sort that would abandon his queen in a place like this.
QUEEN BASILIA
No, he wasn’t. Unfortunately, he’s been dead for eleven years.
INTERVIEWER
Oh… Right…
QUEEN BASILIA
It’s all right. It’s what was meant to happen. Remember?
INTERVIEWER
Well... yes, but -
QUEEN BASILIA
Come. Come. Sit. Tell me. How goes the plan?
INTERVIEWER
The plan is... the plan is done, your majesty. And it’s been a marvellous success. What was once your kingdom is now different parts of France, Aragon, the Holy Roman Empire, and a few other kingdoms. The simulated outbreaks were slowly phased out over the course of the past two decades. Trade and travel slowly started up again and are now thriving. A generation passed on, and a new one arrived, and precious few even remember that a kingdom once stood here.
QUEEN BASILIA
Hmhmm… You made us disappear. And you gave us a new life. Thank you.
(SHE HAS ANOTHER COUGHING FIT. AFTER IT SUBSIDES, HER BREATHING SETTLES INTO A LOW, SLOW WHEEZE...)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, are you… are you alright?
(SHE DOES NOT ANSWER)
Right, uhm. Well, you’re… you’re very welcome. Nothing to thank me for, really. You paid for the service, and you followed every instruction to the letter. But you know... I think the plan actually worked even better than I foresaw. Because I do think the legacy of your kingdom will live on... after a fashion.
(THE BREATHING GETS SLOWER...)
I planted a few stories, back in the day, about your lands being a place of myth and legend, but even now I’m starting to see new stories emerge, ones I had nothing to do with!
(AND SLOWER...)
I mean, just this past month, while waiting for breakfast at a roadside inn, I heard this minstrel tell this fantastic story about three sailors who... well, I don’t want to bore you with the details.
(AND STOPS)
But honestly, your majesty, I think they’ll be talking about you one thousand years from now, two thousand years! I’ve even started to hear some sailors refer to the... the...
(HE’S NOTICED. GETS CLOSER TO HER.
You - your majesty?
(NOTHING. SOFTEST MUSIC)
Majesty?
(A LONG BEAT)
(THE INTERVIEWER LETS OUT A LOW, DEEP SIGH)
Here lies her most empyrean majesty, Basilia, first of her name, ruler of this territory and supreme protector of the ocean lands. The greatest queen of the kingdom of Atlantis. Long may she reign. Goodbye, your majesty.
(OCEAN WAVES)
END OF EPISODE
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Méabh de Brún as Queen Basilia, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Torgny G Anderaa as Nestor.
The episode was written by Gabriel Urbina with direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
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