EPISODE 87 – KING ARTHUR
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Tucker Eckweiler, who we will scare to death in a haunted house and resurrect as a petting zoo caretaker in southern France. Thank you to all our patrons who allow us to keep telling stories. Enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE - AN ENGLISH TAVERN, 537 AD.
(BOTH ARE VERY DRUNK)
INTERVIEWER
Myrddin! Myrddin, Ic cealle for a medo sang! Haha!
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Ongean? We singað en medo sang to Mordred beforan þissum.
INTERVIEWER
He sȳ blithe tredan on uuines berigian! Ac we ne habbað nat gesungen mado sang on beon earm – ongeaen! Thine hælða!
KOZLOWSKI
Nat borgande ne lǽnande…
INTERVIEWER
...ac bedec and stǽl to thine heortanes fylle!
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK.)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Ia, Myrddin?
KOZLOWSKI
Þencest thou Þæt we cunnan leornian sum þingc fram thissum?
INTERVIEWER
Ic ylaefe nat.
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Hit mæge beo anes daeges, whan an hlafweard giefeþ ūs ānan plott londes mid an byldan on him…
INTERVIEWER
We ágan... ānan burgh!!
KOZLOWSKI
(NOT THAT CONVINCED) ...we fyrest seon hwæðer hit bith ān æmetig scel?
INTERVIEWER
Hit ænlice neodað ān bitan heowes!
KOZLOWSKI
Ond Þæs weales.
INTERVIEWER
Ia, þára is Þæt ðing mid weales.
KOZLOWSKI
Ond ān hrof.
INTERVIEWER
Ia.
KOZLOWSKI
Ond (LAUGHS) ān flor.
INTERVIEWER
Ia, ac gife nat that, hit beon ān burgh!
Þængst ðū that wē sculde wyrcan uuaeter dices clan ongeaen? Hit is ān stréam eorþes.
(KOZLOWSI SIGHS)
Na, na, tō micel weorces.
Se scire burgh Camelot... Hit semeþ lic hit bith greatan.
KOZLOWSKI
Tsk, tsk, tsk. hwinsian wille wyrcean noht. We haefdon sended beforan þissum Mordred to thǣm rice Francena.
INTERVIEWER
Ia. Mordred… hwæt siocne cild! Hwænne ðū cwæð Þæt ðū cuðe tearan. Hine nosu of and ðū cuðe giofan him mara micelan nosu, Forðon he sȳ lic Francenum, þonne he scóc lic fisce on londe!
KOZLOWSKI
And gieta, he wolde wigas deaðe; Geslægen in deadlic feohte mid mehtigan sweorde.
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OUT HIS SWORD AND SWISHES IT AROUND)
INTERVIEWER
And hu I meow him! Clang! Clang! Hit! Haha!
KOZLOWSKI
Ia…. ðū cuðe habban gelæfed Mordreds lichoma leassa toren, and gieta he locode déad.
INTERVIEWER
Ic ne hearmede his andwlita nat lic ðū askodest. Folc wille witan he is Mordred.
KOZLOWSKI
(SARCASTIC) Ac efnæ his hore ne cuðe witan his bodig…
INTERVIEWER
Swish! Swoosh! Hit! Haha!
KOZLOWSKI
Kareful, Artur!
INTERVIEWER
Geslægen be se mihtig… cyning Arthur!
CUT TO… THE FIELD IN SCOTLAND.
JACKIE
(OVERLAPPING)
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Please, stop speaking Welsh!
MIA
(OVERLAPPING) Are you going into a trance again? You are speaking in tongues!
KOZLOWSKI
This happened in 537. It is Old English.
JACKIE
Whatever it is, speak so we can understand you!
KOZLOWSKI
Earlier you said you did not want me to translate into modern language.
JACKIE
Yes, that was when you were pirates and said "subcontractor". But there is a difference between that and waxing lyrical in gibberish!
KOZLOWSKI
So what do you want me to do?
MIA
Can't you find a middle ground?
KOZLOWSKI
You want me to make up a language?
JACKIE
(PARODYING OLD ENGLISH) Just don't go "ich - bich - mich"!
KOZLOWSKI
I must warn you, it will not be accurate.
MIA
Okay but will we understand it?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
MIA
Then go ahead.
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO.
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Episode 87 – King Arthur, 537AD
BRITAIN, 537. TAVERN. LATE AT NIGHT.
(THE INTERVIEWER (ARTHUR) AND KOZLOWSKI (MYRDDIN / MERLIN) ARE DRUNK OUT OF THEIR MIND)
INTERVIEWER
Myrddin! Myrddin, I propose... a toast! Haha!
KOZLOWSKI
Again? We have already toasted to Mordred.
INTERVIEWER
May he be happy stomping on grapes! But we have not toasted to being poor - again! (LAUGH) Your good health!
KOZLOWSKI
Neither a borrower nor a lender be...
INTERVIEWER
...but beg and steal to thine heart's content!
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Yea, Myrddin?
KOZLOWSKI
Doth thou think we can learn something from this?
INTERVIEWER
I doubt that very much.
KOZLOWSKI
May it be that in the future, when a patron pays us a plot of land with a building on it...
INTERVIEWER
We own... a castle!!
KOZLOWSKI
...we first check whether t'is a ruin?
INTERVIEWER
Argh, it just needs a lick of paint!
KOZLOWSKI
And some walls.
INTERVIEWER
Yea, there's the matter of walls.
KOZLOWSKI
And a ceiling.
INTERVIEWER
Yea.
KOZLOWSKI
And (LAUGHS) a floor.
INTERVIEWER
Yea, but apart from that t'is a castle!
KOZLOWSKI
True.
INTERVIWER
Doth thou think we should dig out the moat again? T'is a river of mud.
(KOZLOWSKI HUMS)
No, no, too much work.
The magnificent castle of Camelot... It seemed like t'would be grand.
KOZLOWSKI
Tsk, tsk, tsk. T'is no point in complaining. We have already sent Mordred to The Kingdom of the Franks.
INTERVIEWER
Aye. Mordred... what a milksop! When thou said that to make him fit in better with the Franks thou could cut off his nose and give him a bigger one, he trembled like a fish on land! I have never seen a man less fit to be a warrior.
KOZLOWSKI
And yet, he wanted a warrior's death; slain by a mighty sword in deadly combat.
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OUT HIS SWORD AND SWISHES IT AROUND)
INTERVIEWER
And how I cut him down!
KOZLOWSKI
Careful!
INTERVIEWER
Clang! Clang! Stab!
KOZLOWSKI
Yea... thou could have left the corpse of Mordred's likeness less mangled, and he would still have looked dead.
INTERVIEWER
I left his face unscathed like thou asked! He'll be recognized!
KOZLOWSKI
sarcastic
But even his mistress could not recognize his torso...
INTERVIEWER
Swish! Swoosh! Slice!
KOZLOWSKI
Careful Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
Haha! Slain by the mighty... King Arthur!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! So thou art a king now?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, this sword is surely worthy of a king!
KOZLOWSKI
T'is a mighty fine sword indeed…
(THE INTERVIEWER DOES A FEW MORE SWOOSHES, THEN SHEATHES HIS SWORD AGAIN.
INTERVIEWER
T'is a mighty fine sword indeed… (MORE SWISH) God, I love it so much.
KOZLOWSKI
Did thou name it yet?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I was thinking… Caledfwlch. Or Calesvol. Or maybe Kaledvoulc'h.
KOZLOWSKI
That was the same name three times over, in Welsh, Cornish and Breton.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I got it from a Welshman, but it was forged in Cornwall by a Breton! I cannot decide betwixt them.
KOZLOWSKI
Choose the Latin version: Caliburnus!
INTERVIEWER
That sounds shit.
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) The battle really should have had a story!
INTERVIEWER
(TIRED OF KOZLOWSKI MENTIONING IT AGAIN) Art thou not over that!?
KOZLOWSKI
If thou had named thyself King Arthur before thou slayed the body of Mordred's likeness, well, we could have worked with that! Now, a passerby will get a mighty whiff of corpses strewn as far as the nose can smell, and wonder: Who were all these men? But there will be no answer for them!
INTERVIEWER
Well, methinks that was the greatest death we have faked in centuries! I mean, how many corpses did we make look as warriors in the end?
KOZLOWSKI
One-hundred-and-fower-and-twenty.
(INTERVIEWER WHISTLES)
But I tell thee, the people in Salisbury coming upon this battlefield are going to ask: Why were these men fighting? Which armies did they belong to?
INTERVIEWER
Nah! Methinks not. There are so many battles nou adayes, no one thinks twice about a field full of corpses. A farmer who walks out to o'ersee his crops and finds his fields soaked in blood simply goes: "Ah, not again!"
KOZLOWSKI
Times are not so bad.
INTERVIEWER
No? We walked past three battlefields just on our way here today!
KOZLOWSKI
(“HE GOT ME THERE”) Well….
INTERVIEWER
All that matters is that they recognize the valiant-looking corpse of Mordred's likeness, realise how valiantly he fought, how many he valiantly slaughtered, and celebrate his valourous... valour!
(THE BAR MAID COMES OVER)
BAR MAID
More ale?
INTERVIEWER
Aye!
KOZLOWSKI
Please, fair lady.
BAR MAID
I'll be right over with two jugs.
INTERVIEWER
Make that fower!
BAR MAID
Aye, sire.
(SHE HEADS OFF. BEAT)
KOZLOWSKI
When should we tell her we cannot pay?
INTERVIEWER
Not yet.
(A VILLAGER ACROSS THE ROOM TALKS TO THEM)
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Excuse me? Excuse me! Art thou Myrddin Wyllt?
KOZLOWSKI
Who is asking?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Thou art, art thou not! Thou owest me a bag of gold!
KOZLOWSKI
Methinks not.
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea! Thou bought herbs from mi' garden! And thou never came back to pay!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Who art thou talking to, Gavin?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
T'is Myrddin Wyllt!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Myrddin Wyllt! I didn't recognize thine face with that beard! Thou bought chicken bones from me! And I never got the scillingas thou owe me!
KOZLOWSKI
(SWALLOWS) I do not know this Myrddin Wyllt ye talk of... (HE MISPRONOUNCES THE NAME ON PURPOSE)
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Thou looketh just like him!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Thou doth!
KOZLOWSKI
HAWKS
What did he do for a living, this Myrddin?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
He's a wanderer, ain't he!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
And a mad man they say!
KOZLOWSKI
Well, I am neither a wanderer nor a mad man, so I am not he.
INTERVIEWER
He is not he, hm!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Only a mad man would have a beard like that! How many birds liveth in it? Or are they rats?
KOZLOWSKI
I am not a mad man!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Who art thou then?
KOZLOWSKI
I...
(KOZLOWSKI STANDS UP)
KOZLOWSKI
...am a wizard!
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Here we go...
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Excuse me?
KOZLOWSKI
I am Merlin the wizard!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Merlin?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Merlin?
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Merlin... I'll have to make a note of that... Merlin…
KOZLOWSKI
Merlin, the mystery man! By turns strategist and master of statecraft! Councillor to Kings and confidant to Queens! Merlin the mighty magician! So do not accuse me of being a lowly mad man with a bad credit score! Or harm will rain upon thee!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
(GETTING ANGRY) A wizard? Seriously? That's what thou will have us believe!?
KOZLOWSKI
Doth thou want me to prove it!?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
I want thee to stop gabbing shite!
(LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND)
KOZLOWSKI
Watch out, or thou might find thyself a man no more, but a frog! Getting stamped into these stone slabs by drunken feet!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Listen, mate, we've just been through the worst two years of famine in man's memory.
(AGREEING BACKGROUND CHATTER. KOZLOWSKI SIGHS)
We are 'ere, at this tavern, to drink our sorrows away, not to have our ears filled with the manure of a bragging-sick cow!
KOZLOWSKI
Excuse me!?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Two years of famine we lived through! Mi' cows died, mi' sheep died, mi' dogs died, mi' bear died, mi' chickens died and… mi' mother in law - bless her soul - also! - came to live with us!
(COMPASSION FROM THE CROWD)
So mi' life hath gone to shite.
KOZLOWSKI
That sounds awful…
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
And I don't have the humor for liars and tricksters anymore. And if t'is one thing I hate more than a herb-stealing weasel, t'is a poncy, bearded drunk who fancies himself a court jester! So come 'ere and give me mi' gold, or I'll punch thine skull in!
KOZLOWSKI
Just try it, thou brainless brute!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
(ATTACKING) Arghh!
KOZLOWSKI
(DEFENDING) Arghhh!
(AS KOZLOWSKI AND THE MAN GO FOR EACH OTHER, THE INTERVIEWER AND THE WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY TRIES TO HOLD THEM BACK)
INTERVIEWER
(ON TOP OF THE FOLLOWING) Hey, hey, hey, let's calm down!
(PUNCHES ARE THROWN AND SOME OF THEM LAND)
KOZLOWSKI
I am a wizard!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Thou art a thief!
KOZLOWSKI
A wizard!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
A thief!
KOZLOWSKI
A wizard!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
A thief!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
(OVERLAPPING) T'is not worth it, Gavin! He's three times thine size!
(UNDERNEATH THIS, THE BAR MAID COMES AROUND THE CORNER. SHE TALKS OVER THE SOUNDS OF FIGHTING)
BAR MAID
'ere are yer ales - oh no, not a fight! No fighting! Please no fighting in the tavern! The landlord hath forbidden it! Please, take it outside!
INTERVIEWER
Stop it, stop it, stop it - wait! WAIT! I CAN VOUCH FOR HIM BEING A WIZARD!
(THE FIGHT STOPS, KOZLOWSKI AND GAVIN BREATHING ANGRILY)
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Thou canst?
BAR MAID
He is a... wizard?
INTERVIEWER
Ay. Did ye hear about the Battle of Salisbury? Where Mordred the valiant fell?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ay.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Oh, yea, I did hear about that! They say he killed fifty men, all on his own.
BAR MAID
I heard t'was a hundred.
INTERVIEWER
Well, yea, maybe one-hundred-and-fower-and-twenty. Anyway. We were there. And I saw Marlin -
KOZLOWSKI
Merlin.
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-Merlin - in the midst of the battlefield walking unscathed! Not a blade could touch him, not an arrow would land near him. Nay, the arrows bowed in the air as in awe, turned and flew the other way!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
(IMPRESSED) Really?!
INTERVIEWER
Really!
BAR MAID
Wow.
SOMEONE IN THE BACKGROUND
Who does he think we are, bunch of peasants?
INTERVIEWER
T'is as true as me standing on this cold stone floor!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
So thou art not Myrddin Wyllt?
KOZLOWSKI
I have never heard of him.
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
(EMBARRASSED) Well, then... I apologise... If ye seest him, say Gavin's looking for 'im. I'll let ye get back to yer ales, then.
(THEY ALL SIT DOWN)
INTERVIEWER
Much obliged…
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Alright.
INTERVIEWER
You alright?
KOZLOWSKI
Just about. He is small but mighty…
INTERVIEWER
That was a good fight!
KOZLOWSKI
It’s been years…
BAR MAID
Yer ales are on yer table.
INTERVIEWER
Thanks.
BAR MAID
Uhm, I am going home now...
INTERVIEWER
What, at this early hour? We have only just started drinking!
BAR MAID
Oh, we're not closing!
INTERVIEWER
Phew!
BAR MAID
But mine husband wants me back early, so... The landlord will tend to ye if ye order more.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
BAR MAID (CON’T)
But could I ask ye to settle yer score for what ye have eaten and drunk so far?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... Right... Well, here is the thing... Uh - Uhhhhhhh... Myrd - Merlin?
KOZLOWSKI
Fair maiden, thine eyes shine most brightly, like stars in the sky!
(INTERVIEWER AGREES)
BAR MAID
(UNIMPRESSED) Thanks, now the payment, if thou art so kind?
INTERVIEWER
The thing is, thou seest... Ehm. When it comes to paying... we are not entirely inclined to do so.
BAR MAID
Canst thou not pay? Thou hath eaten half our pantry! Nay, more!
INTERVIEWER
(WAFFLING) Well... T'is not so much that we can't pay, as much as that we are not going to pay because...
(WHISPERS TO KOZLOWSKI)
Help me out here!
BAR MAID
If ye refuse to pay, I will have to call the landlord! And I warn ye - his brother is the sheriff!
INTERVIEWER
(GULPS) Ahh, is that so?
(WHISPERS) Marvin!?
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERS) Merlin!
(LOUD) How dare thou?!
BAR MAID
What?
KOZLOWSKI
How dare thou ask this man to pay!?
INTERVIEWER
Ey??
BAR MAID
Uh -
KOZLOWSKI
Who doth thou think thou art!?
BAR MAID
Uhm...?
KOZLOWSKI
And why doth thou not fall to thine knees and honour him?!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) I'm glad thou art helping, but what is going on?
BAR MAID
Who is he?
INTERVIEWER
WHISPERS
Yea, who am I?
KOZLOWSKI
Doth thou not recognize him!?
BAR MAID
No...?
SOMEONE IN THE BACKGROUND
No!
KOZLOWSKI
(LOUDLY TO THE WHOLE TAVERN) Everyone!! Listen!!
(THE TAVERN FALLS SILENT)
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) Do we want to draw this much attention?
KOZLOWSKI
Bow yer heads and fall to the ground! He came concealed, but he hath now revealed his true identity! Kneel for the mighty King Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(PAINED) I never should have said that name…
(CHATTER STARTS UP AGAIN)
VILLAGER 1
What on earth?
VILLAGER 2
Have not heard of him?
KOZLOWSKI
Doth ye not know who yer king is!?
VILLAGER 2
He must be the Saxon king, right?
VILLAGER 1
Or could be the Roman Emperor?
VILLAGER 2
The Roman Emperor wouldn't show up in pig-arse-end of nowhere on account on us not being Roman!
VILLAGER 1
Aren't we Roman? I'm gonna tear down that aqueduct then, t'is messing up mi' garden!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Weren't we Breton for a while?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
No, no, we went back to being Roman, but then we became Breton!
VILLAGER 2
Thou meanest Saxon!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
No, I mean Breton!
VILLAGER 1
(OVERLAPPING) Mi' cousin's Breton. Never liked it, though.
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
But after we were Breton, that's when we became Saxon!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Is it?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Well, there was the Battle of Aylesford wasn't there?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea, but then there was the Battle of Wippedesfleot!
(AGREEING CHATTER)
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea, but then there was the Battle of Mercredesburne, wasn't there?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea, but then there was the Battle of Mons Badonicus! (MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY REMEMBERS) Then there was the battle of Mount Badon wasn't there!
VILLAGER 1
Wasn't that before the Battle of Mons Badonicus?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Nay, methinks it was after.
VILLAGER 1
I cannot keep up!
KOZLOWSKI
All of ye, shut up! This is the great King Arthur, who conquered Scotland -
VILLAGER 2
(OVERLAPPING) What do we need Scotland for?
INTERVIEWER
Let’s not overdo it…
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
- who fought off the Saxons in valiant battle -
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
So what are we then?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
- and who resides at the grand court of Camelot!
VILLAGER 1
That doth sound fancy.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Hey! What are we then?
KOZLOWSKI
...English.
VILLAGER 1
Ahhh...!
BAR MAID
So - uhm - thou art saying because he's a king - curtsey, curtsey - ye're not paying for the meal? Or the drinks? Or the second meal? Or the third meal? Or the fourth? Or any of the later drinks?
KOZLOWSKI
Ay! T'is what I'm saying! This lowly tavern should show proper courtesy to the king!
BAR MAID
Thou seest, t'is just that it will come out of mi' wages...
VILLAGER 2
Methinks the king should have compassion for the poor lass!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ay! Look at that table - he's certainly eaten like a king! Least he can do is bestow his riches on the poor!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ooh, let 'im do that! I'm very poor!
KOZLOWSKI
Ye're aware t'is a king thou art talking of!?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Say he is the king! What doth it matter?
VILLAGER 2
That's right! We don't care!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Why should we accept his rule more than anyone else's? Tomorrow we'll be Saxon again!
VILLAGER 2
Or Roman!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Doth thou know what? Methinks if they don't pay, we should stone them!
VILLAGER 2
Ay!
VILLAGER 1
Ay!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Great plan!
INTERVIEWER
Now hold on, hold on! Let me consult with mine advisor for a moment - Mervin the wizard.
KOZLOWSKI
Merlin.
INTERVIEWER
Merlin the wizard. Come here!
VILLAGER 1
Oooh, he's a wizard!
VILLAGER 2
I could've told thee that, he's got the beard, ain't he!
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS KOZLOWSKI INTO A CORNER)
INTERVIEWER
WHISPERS
Can we not pay at all?
KOZLOWSKI
WHISPERS
We have not a spec of gold to our names! Well - we do have the sword...
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERING) I am not parting with the sword!
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERING) Then we have naught, Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
WHISPERS
We better come up with a better story then, or this lot will pummel us with anything within their reach! I can smell their blood lust!
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERS) I have an idea.
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) What?
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERS) Just follow mine lead.
INTERVIEWER
(UNHAPPY) Alright...
(KOZLOWSKI TURNS TO THE CROWD AGAIN)
KOZLOWSKI
Ladies, men - I do not know if there are any here, but if there is: Gentlemen too!
(CHATTER)
- the king and I understand yer worries. With so much slaughter going on, who can tell which rule we are under?
VILLAGER 1
He speaketh sense!
KOZLOWSKI
Of course!
INTERVIEWER
True…
KOZLOWSKI
How doth one know which king to follow?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
I just follow the one with the nicest bottom!
(AGEEING CHATTER)
KOZLOWSKI
But fear not! Among ordinary men wanting to rule and devils wanting to conquer, there hath risen... a TRUE king!
VILLAGER 1
A TRUE king!?
KOZLOWSKI
Ay! And truth cannot be questioned.
VILLAGER 2
What the hell is a "true king"?
KOZLOWSKI
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) I shall speak some Latin, that will impress them!
INTERVIEWER
If you think so…
KOZLOWSKI
(LOUD) The true king is Arthurus, rex quondam rexque futurus!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
What the hell doth that mean?
KOZLOWSKI
King Arthur is the king that was and the king that shall be!
INTERVIEWER
That’s good…
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
But how do we know that's right? Anyone could say they're the true king! I could say that!
(PLONKS A BOWL ON HIS HEAD AND PRANCES AROUND)
Looketh 'ere! I'm wearing this bowl as a crown! I am the true king! Bam-ba-dam-bam-bam-ba-dam!
(GAVIN PRANCES, AND THE VILLAGERS LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) So far thine plan is not working...
KOZLOWSKI
(TO THE ROOM) Thou art right - anyone could say they art the true king. And indeed, they did!
(GAVIN STOPS PRANCING AND TAKES THE BOWL OFF AGAIN)
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Many years ago, I had a vision - for I am a wizard -
VILLAGER 2
We know!
KOZLOWSKI
- and a prophet.
VILLAGERS
Oohh!
KOZLOWSKI
One Christmas Eve, in the churchyard on the river outside of the grand castle of Camelot, appeared a stone. Atop the stone, an anvil, and trapped in the anvil, a sword! T'was not any sword, t'was a mighty sword - the mightiest of all - the magic sword Excalibur!
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Oh, Excalibur! Ooh, I like that!
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
No man could pull it out, it was so hardly fastened. But I had a vision:
Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil, is rightwise king born of all England!
Men came from far and wide; rulers and warriors, noblemen and luck-seekers, but none could pull the sword from the anvil. For none of them were the divinely appointed king, the true heir of Uther Pendragon.
INTERVIEWER
Who's that?
KOZLOWSKI
Shut up.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
After all these men had tried, and all had failed, a mere squire walk into the courtyard not knowing about the competition that hath been going on. He is sent from his master to fetch a sword for fencing training. He walks up to the anvil, and not thinking twice about it pulls out the sword!
VILLAGERS
Ahhh!
INTERVIEWER
That squire... was me!
VILLAGERS
Aww!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) T'was me right?
KOZLOWSKI
WHISPERS
Ay.
INTERVIEWER
Ay. And whenne I drewe mine swerd Excalibur, it was so breyght in mine enemyes eyen that it gaf light lyke thirty torchys!
VILLAGERS
Wowwww!
KOZLOWSKI
And all knew, THIS is the true king of England!
VILLAGER 1
That's quite something, innit!? Maybe we should bow before 'im? If we split their bill, I'm sure we could come up with -
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Nah, not yet I say.
VILLAGER 1
Why not?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Methinks he should prove it!
(AGREEING CHATTER)
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Sorry?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea! Is that the sword there? Excalifat or whatnot?
INTERVIEWER
Excalibur - yea...
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Well if thou could do it once, thou can do it again, right?
INTERVIEWER
(FLOUNDERING)
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Big Jim's 'ere, int he?
VILLAGER 2
He's sleeping out back.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Get 'im, and tell 'im to bring his "pillow" in!
VILLAGER 2
Right on't!
(VILLAGER 2 RUNS OUT)
INTERVIEWER
His… pillow…? (WHISPERS) What is happening?
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERS) Trouble...
BAR MAID
Could we get this over with kind of quickly, mi' husband's waiting for me...
(THE SOUND OF AN ANVIL BEING DRAGGED ACROSS A STONE FLOOR)
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Big Jim!
INTERVIEWER
What is that noise…?
VILLAGERS (CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
BIG JIM BIG JIM!!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my lord…
BIG JIM
(WHILST DRAGGING) I was sleeping so sweetly, resting mi' head on this anvil. Why did thou have to wake me up?
(BIG JIM KNOCKS HIS HEAD ON A BEAM IN THE CEILING)
Ouch!
VILLAGER 1
Watch thine head, love! Lot's of beams in the ceiling in 'ere!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS) He is bigger than thee!
KOZLOWSKI
(WHISPERS) By two heads. Bulls heads.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Just place the anvil 'ere, love. Now, King Arthur - if that's who thou art - will thou please lend me that sword for a minute?
INTERVIEWER
Eh, why...?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
So that Big Jim 'ere can ram it into the anvil, and then thou can pull it out again!
INTERVIEWER
Uh, of course! Heh... Here thou art, Big Jim.
BIG JIM
Thanks. Nice sword.
(HE SWISHES IT AROUND)
INTERVIEWER
T'is called Excalibur.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Now ram that sword into the anvil, will thou love?
BIG JIM
Into the anvil?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yea.
BIG JIM
Methinks that's not possible.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Oh, but this man says it happened before! And thou art the strongest man in all of the Saxon kingdom, Jim.
VILLAGER 1
Roman Empire!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Breton backwaters!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Wherever we are. Will thou do it for me, love?
BIG JIM
I can give it a try.
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) This cannot go well...
INTERVIEWER
He’s gonna break my sword!
(VARIOUS SOUNDS OF THE VILLAGERS CHEERING ON JIM)
(BIG JIM RISES THE SWORD ABOVE HIS HEAD)
BIG JIM
(BIG BREATH IN)
Ahhhhhhhh –
(…AND RAMS THE SWORD DOWN AS HARD AS HE CAN. THE SWORD PREDICTABLY SLIDES OFF THE ANVIL AND GOES RIGHT INTO HIS FOOT INSTEAD, PINNING BIG JIM TO THE STONE FLOOR. SILENCE. VARIOUS GASPING VILLAGERS)
INTERVIEWER
…ough… Is that in his…
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, it went deep, didn’t it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, gone right through…
BIG JIM
(IN RIDICULOUS PAIN) Aaaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
INTERVIEWER
Glad I’m not him… Oh, and here comes the blood…
VILLAGER 1
Oh dear, it went right through his foot!
VILLAGER 2
And into the stone floor!
BAR MAID
Our nice stone floor!
BIG JIM
Mi' foot... Mi' foot... Oh no.
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
No worries, Jim, I'll get it out!
(GAVIN TRIES TO PULL THE SWORD OUT, BUT CAN'T. WHENEVER SOMEONE TRIES TO PULL IT OUT, JIM REACTS WITH A SULLEN "OUCH.")
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Hngh!!! Hngghhhhh! Hgghghghghghghghg!
BIG JIM
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
INTERVIEWER
Nasty…
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
T'is stuck!
VILLAGER 2
Let me! Hnggghhh! Hughghghghg!
BIG JIM
Ouch. Ouch.
VILLAGER 2
Nah, that's never coming out, that.
VILLAGER 1
Grab the sword with me, will ya? These weakling men have never pulled a root or pushed a cow!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ay, let the womenfolk do it I say!
(VILLAGER 1 AND THE WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY TRIES PULLING THE SWORD OUT)
VILLAGER 1
Hnngghh!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Hnngngng!
BIG JIM
Ouch. Ouch.
VILLAGER 1 (OVER THE SOUND OF OUCH)
Try wriggling it! Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth!
BIG JIM
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
We're not doing anything, we're just rubbing the handle!
VILLAGER 2
And t'is looking very naughty.
VILLAGER 1
I give up! T'is stuck.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Sorry, Jim. That wasn't mi' plan.
VILLAGER 1
I'm sure once thine foot dies, it'll come off, and thou'll be free again!
BIG JIM
(NOT CONSOLED) That's a consolation...
INTERVIEWER
Hang on. Doth that mean I'm not getting mine sword back?
VILLAGER 1
Not until his foot rots!
(JIM SUFFERING)
VILLAGER 2
Thou! This is all thine fault!
INTERVIEWER
Uh, we didn't want for this to -
VILLAGER 1
This is thine magic, isn't it!
KOZLOWSKI
Uhm - no...
INTERVIEWER
You just had to call yourself a wizard, had you…
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
I've had enough of ye two! Arghhh!
VILLAGERS
Yea! Get'em! Get'em!
(ANOTHER FIGHT BREAKS OUT, AND THIS TIME EVERYONE CHIPS IN. ALE JUGS ARE THROWN, CHAIRS BASHED OVER HEADS, TABLE LEGS BROKEN OFF AND USED AS CLUBS, PEOPLE ARE THROWN AROUND THE ROOM)
(EVERYONE GOING ARGH! UH! OUCH! OOFF! AGH! DUCK! THERE YE HAVE IT! WATCH OUT!)
BAR MAID
No! No! No fighting in the tavern! Please! I will call the landlord!
(FIGHTING! THROWING! SHOUTING! SCREAMING)
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Everyone! Seek refuge behind tables! The two of them are mighty fighters!
VILLAGER 1
The thin one's swift and the big one's strong!
(THE WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY TILTS A TABLE OVER, THE OTHERS FOLLOW SUIT. THE INTERVIEWER TILTS A TABLE TOO)
INTERVIEWER
Behind here! Quick!
(KOZLOWSKI THROWS HIMSELF BEHIND THE TABLE)
KOZLOWSKI
Great! I can hit them from here. Hand me those jugs!
INTERVIEWER
There you go!
(THE INTERVIEWER GATHERS JUGS. OVER THEIR HEADS JUGS AND OTHER STUFF COME FLYING AND SMASH AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND THEM. STUFF HITS THE FRONT OF THE TABLE TOO)
KOZLOWSKI
Huh! Huh!
INTERVIEWER’
There you go, take those too!
(KOZLOWSKI THROWS THE JUGS)
KOZLOWSKI
Huh! Huh! Huh!
INTERVIEWER
There’s three big ones here!
(MORE THROWING. EVERY SINGLE ONE HITS BIG JIM)
BIG JIM
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
INTERVIEWER
You hit him every time!
KOZLOWSKI
So sorry Big Jim!
BIG JIM
No worries...
KOZLOWSKI
I was trying to throw past thee!
BIG JIM
I get it, I'm a sitting duck...
(ANOTHER JUG IS THROWN AND HITS BIG JIM ON THE HEAD)
VILLAGER 2
He really is in the way, int he?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
He's not called Big Jim for nothin'!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Listen ye two! I don't care if thou art the true king of England or the true shite coming out mi' arsehole - ye're responsible for pinning mi' husband to the floor, ye shitheads!
INTERVIEWER
(TO KOZLOWSKI) Aww, they're married!
(STICKS HIS HEAD UP) Congratulations, thou hath a fine husb-!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Argh!
Another jug being thrown.
INTERVIEWER
(DUCKS) Ihhh!
(STUFF KEEPS FLYING OVERHEAD AND SMASHING AROUND THEM. A DAGGER THWACKS INTO THE TABLE. THEY WHISPER BEHIND THE TABLE)
KOZLOWSKI
The villagers are fierce. We will be killed the moment we set for the door!
INTERVIEWER
So what doth thou suggest we do? I am already a holy king, there is nowhere left for this tale to go! Lest thou want to make me out to be God himself!
KOZLOWSKI
We have only one option, Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
And what is that?
KOZLOWSKI
I think the King must die.
INTERVIEWER
Great. Should I flop over and gargle and pretend to have the plague!?
KOZLOWSKI
No. Thou doth not need to be dead. Thou only needst to be dying!
INTERVIEWER
What art thou getting at?
KOZLOWSKI
Thou just killed Mordred in a duel.
INTERVIEWER
Ay! He was valiant. But I won, so I was valianter.
KOZLOWSKI
But what if during the fight thou wert mortally wounded?
INTERVIEWER
Yey but I wasn't.
KOZLOWSKI
Thou seest Arthur, thou was.
(KOZLOWSKI PULLS OUT A DAGGER STUCK IN THE TABLE)
KOZLOWSKI
And how useful the villagers threw this at us...
INTERVIEWER
What art thou doing with that dagger - aargh!
(KOZLOWSKI SHOVES HIS FIST IN THE INTERVIEWER'S MOUTH)
What art thou doing? Don't stuff thine fist in mine mouth!
(MUFFLED) Gghththttht!
KOZLOWSKI
T'is only so thou will not scream.
(KOZLOWSKI STABS ARTHUR THROUGH HIS ABDOMEN)
INTERVIEWER
(MUFFLED)
GhhhhhhhhhhHHhh!!!!!!!
(KOZLOWSKI PULLS THE DAGGER OUT AGAIN. MUFFLED INTERVIEWER PAIN)
Gnnnnhhhhhhhhfff!!!!!!
(KOZLWOSKI DRIES THE DAGGER)
(ONCE THE INTERVIEWER IS FINISHED SCREAMING, KOZLOWSKI PULLS HIS FIST OUT OF HIS MOUTH)
INTERVIEWER
Thou stabbed me!
KOZLOWSKI
Nay, Mordred did. Now, these peasants might take pity in thee, and let us out!
INTERVIEWER
Might! Might! This is a hell of an thing to do for something that might work!
KOZLOWSKI
We have to try something.
INTERVIEWER
This wound - t'is a mortal one, is it not?
KOZLOWSKI
T'was the easiest way to make it look deadly.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, thine logic is impeccable.
KOZLOWSKI
Thou should drink some Patience.
INTERVIEWER
Yea. Where is thine vial?
KOZLOWSKI
I lost it.
INTERVIEWER
You lo-
Oh dear God.
KOZLOWSKI
But thou can always -
INTERVIEWER
No. No, no, no, I'm not doing that.
KOZLOWSKI
Look, I'm blinking!
INTERVIEWER
For the sake of - !
KOZLOWSKI
Just lick mine tears!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not licking thine tears!
KOZLOWSKI
Lick mine tears!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not licking thine tears!
KOZLOWSKI
Just lick mine tears or thou might actually perish!
INTERVIEWER
God dammit...!
(ARTHUR LICKS HIS TEARS)
Aghw... Blergh... Oh it tastes so bad... Hath thou not washed thine face since Romulus's fiery death-cloud covered it in ashes? Ugh!
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry.
INTERVIEWER
Thou art loving this!
KOZLOWSKI
Now let us tell them thou art dying!
INTERVIEWER
Blrhghghg...
(THE INTERVIEWER STANDS UP. IT HURTS)
INTERVIEWER
Good people - ouch! Ayayay... Good people… Ow… Good people at Ye Leaky Ferry Boat! I have an announcement to make.
VILLAGER 2
Boy, how thou art bleeding! It lookest like we got thou good!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no. Ye did not. This cut is from a sword. I thought it would abate by itself, but alas - ducking for cover behind this table hath reopened the gash. Gosh, I am dizzy... I am mortally wounded!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
How did it happen?
INTERVIEWER
Meercat and I -
KOZLOWSKI
Merlin.
INTERVIEWER
Meerling and I - Meerling? That can't be right, don’t know what you’re talking about… Starling and I came here to celebrate a great victory!
(KOZLOWSKI SIGHS. THE INTERVIEWER GETS WOOZIER)
Like I told ye earlier, we have come from the battle of Salisbury. There I defeated Mordred in a great victory! Is it very hot in here? I'm freezing! Sorry, the room is spinning. Probably from the blood loss.
(KOZLOWSKI GETS UP)
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe thou should sit down, mine liege.
INTERVIEWER
I think I should...
(THE INTERVIEWER SITS DOWN)
KOZLOWSKI
Fetch the king some water!
BAR MAID
The water around these parts will kill him, sire. But the ale's safe!
KOZLOWSKI
More ale then.
INTERVIEWER
Don’t mind if I do…
BAR MAID
Ye've smashed all the jugs, but I've got a boot to serve it in! T'is almost clean!
(THE BAR MAID HURRIES OFF)
KOZLOWSKI
Alright. Now, as the king said, we have just been in battle. The king slayed Mordred,
but before he died, Mordred wounded the king with a deadly cut. So, we ask for safe passage out of this tavern, so the king can die in peace.
VILLAGER 1
Why did ye kill poor Mordred? I heard he was a valiant lad!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ay, very valiant!
(THE INTERVIEWER STANDS UP)
INTERVIEWER
(IN PAIN) Well, right now he's being eaten by crows and I'm here, so clearly I was the (STUTTERS) aliantest!
(GETS DIZZY AGAIN)
Oh... no, must sit down...
KOZLOWSKI
The king had trusted Mordred with the rule of Britain whilst he traveled on a great conquest. But when the king returned, Mordred had betrayed the king and seized the throne!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
So thou just slaughtered the fellow? That doth not seem that valiant to me! Ye could have tried diplomacy!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh for... we did! We asked for a peace meeting!
VILLAGER 2
Then why did he die?
KOZLOWSKI
Well - because... During the meeting an adder bit one of the king's knights. The knight was startled and drew his sword, prompting Mordred's men to draw their swords in response. Before long, throats were slit and limbs cut off!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Jesus!
KOZLOWSKI
Ay. That was exactly what happened. Now ye knowest. So out of respect for yer dying king, will ye let us go?
VILLAGER 2
Where art thou taking him?
KOZLOWSKI
To... Avalon.
INTERVIEWER
…Avalon
VILLAGER 2
Where's Avalon?
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Yeah, why Avalon? Can't he die 'ere?
KOZLOWSKI
Avalon is... is the island where the great Excalibur was forged.
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
So?
KOZLOWSKI
So, the King wants to be laid to rest there.
INTERVIEWER
(NOT QUITE AT HIS FULL WITS) ...should he die! But he may not; nay we hope he can be saved and recover from his mortal wounds!
KOZLOWSKI
What?
VILLAGER 1
Oh that's a relief!
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
How?
INTERVIEWER
Through means of magic water!
KOZLOWSKI
Mine liege...! Methinks thou should shut thine piehole!
VILLAGER 1
What's this magic water?
KOZLOWSKI
It only exists on Avalon. And it must be mixed with the island's miraculous herbs!
VILLAGER 1
Thou hath herbs in thine garden, doth thou not, Gavin?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
They all died in the drought. Myrddin 'ere stole the last good ones I had.
VILLAGER 1
Awww.
KOZLOWSKI
Yer herbs are not miraculous ones. Nay, the only way the king will survive is if he is cured on Avalon! Avallonis eas insula sacra!
VILLAGER 2
What doth that mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Avalon is a sacred island! But, the king must be cured by the only person who can command the holy waters and the miraculous herbs!
VILLAGER 2
Who is that?
KOZLOWSKI
That would be me. So, will ye let us go?
VILLAGER 1
Ay, for sure! If moving a few tables and not throwing jugs is all we have to do to save the king, methinks we can manage that! Come on people, let's clear the way!
(THEY START CLEARING TABLES)
KOZLOWSKI
Thank ye, thank ye, honorable countrymen, yer service to the king shall be remembered! Now, the last favour we need ask is a boat. Can we borrow one? The tavern is called the leaky ferry…
VILLAGER 1
I have an old rowboat just twenty yards down the river. I don't trust the leaky ferry. T'is leaky.
KOZLOWSKI
Our thanks. I guess we are all set then.
KOZLOWSKI
Let us go, mine liege.
(KOZLOWSKI HELPS THE INTERVIEWER UP. THE INTERVIEWER WRITHES IN PAIN. THEY SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY ACROSS THE FLOOR, THE INTERVIEWER LEANING ON KOZLOWSKI)
(THEY PASS BIG JIM)
BIG JIM
Bye now!
KOZLOWSKI
Bye, Big Jim.
INTERVIEWER
Wait!
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
Excalibur!
(THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OUT THE SWORD)
EVERYONE
Ahhhh!
INTERVIEWER
(DELIRIOUS) I love that sword. Wouldn't leave without it. Now, let's go!
VILLAGER 2
He...!
VILLAGER 1
He really did!
BIG JIM
I'm free!
WOMAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
On mi' mother's o'ergrown grave!
INTERVIEWER
What? Why are ye all staring at me?
KOZLOWSKI
Sire - thou removeth the sword from the stone. Again.
(BLOOD DRIPPING)
INTERVIEWER
Ohhh! Yes, yes!
BIG JIM
It bleeds more now...
(BIG JIM TOPPLES OVER AND HIS MASSIVE BODY SLAMS HARD AGAINST THE FLOOR. SLOW OOOWWW AS HE FALLS)
KOZLOWSKI
Oooff...
(THE BAR MAID COMES RUNNING IN)
BAR MAID
Thine ale, mine liege! I cleaned the boot with my spittle first!
INTERVIEWER
Uh... Give it to Big Jim. He looks like he might need it more.
KOZLOWSKI
Give it here first.
BAR MAID
Why?
KOZLOWSKI
I am going to do a spell, and imbue the ale with healing powers.
BAR MAID
Thou canst do that?
KOZLOWSKI
Ay.
BAR MAID
Why could thou not just do that with the king's ale?
MAN WHO IS OWED MONEY
Ay, he's had enough of it!
KOZLOWSKI
Because... it only works on... leg wounds.
VILLAGER 2
Thou art not the most impressive wizard, art thou?
KOZLOWSKI
Just give me the ale!
(THE BAR MAID HANDS OVER THE ALE)
Abracadabra... Hubble bubble toil and trouble...
VILLAGER 2
Thou art blinking a lot?
VILLAGER 1
Is that part of it?
KOZLOWSKI
(PULLING HIMSELF TOGETHER)
Ale, thou highest!
Thou hath might for three
And against thirty;
It standeth against pain,
Strong it is gainst three
And against thirty;
Gainst the hand of the fiend!
(DROP)
BAR MAID
Methinks thine tear landed in the ale.
KOZLOWSKI
I always get emotional when healing someone! Now give this man this ale and let us go! Rex quondam et futurus!
(THEY SET OFF AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
Rex something something! That's me! Oooh...
(THE INTERVIEWER ALMOST BUCKLES. THEY HOBBLE OUT)
KOZLOWSKI
Farewell! So pleased to meet you all!
(CHATTER, GOODBYES. DOOR FALLS SHUT)
VILLAGER 2
Doth thou really think he’s king?
VILLAGER 1
Everyone’s a king nowadays…
THEME TUNE AND END CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Owen Lindsay as Big Jim, Patrick Lamb as Gavin, Anne Weiner as the barmaid, Anne Marie Sheridan, Beus Lunaire, Lara Bozkurt, Nicola Ségur and Torgny G. Aanderaa as villagers, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox.
The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, translations into Old English by Doctor Markus Freudinger, sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, production assistance by Maty Parzival, and casting assistance by Julia C. Thorne.
The episode was recorded at RedP studio in Vienna, with engineering by Arpad Hadnagy and Oliver Illes and assistance by Paul Kraner.
We’ve made an in depth behind the scenes video about the recording of this episode, which takes you into the studio with us as we record the big crowd scenes, and shows you how we worked with Doctor Freudinger to record the opening section in Old English. This Behind the Scenes film is available now by becoming a patron of the show for the price of a cup of cocoa. By becoming a patron you directly help compensate the team that works so hard to bring these stories to life. In return you get a bunch of perks, and instead of waiting a month for the next episode, you’ll get it tomorrow.
Thank you so much to everyone who’s already chipping in, without you this podcast would disappear. And reappear as the menu card at Les Deux Magots.
A special thank you to our super patrons, that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Tucker Eckweiler and Jazz.
For more info on the show, on how to become a patron, get live show tickets and more, visit ameliapodcast.com
EPILOGUE - IN A ROW BOAT IN THE DARK OF NIGHT.
(SLOW ROWING. THEN KOZLOWSKI TAKES A BREAK. JUST WAVES GENTLY LAPPING)
KOZLOWSKI
How is thine wound?
INTERVIEWER
Hm, oh. Healing. Slowly.
BEAT.
Thou finally got thine will.
KOZLOWSKI
What doth thou mean?
INTERVIEWER
The battle of Salisbury. It finally got a story.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, yea.
INTERVIEWER
Merton?
KOZLOWSKI
Merlin.
INTERVIEWER
Damn! I'll never learn that. Merlin... I wonder about one thing.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
How on earth did I pull mine sword out!? I forgot it was stuck and just pulled!
KOZLOWSKI
(AMUSED) Being the last person to try hath its advantages. Everyone else had loosened it for thee.
INTERVIEWER
So I'm not the true king of England?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Nay.
(INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
Also, Arthur - when thou said "I wonder if I can do that again" and rammed the sword in betwixt the stones down at the docks...
INTERVIEWER
Yea?
KOZLOWSKI
...and then could not get it out again - doth thou think thou can learn something from that?
INTERVIEWER
Doth thou?
KOZLOWSKI
I doubt it very much.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. I'll miss that sword.
END