EPISODE 88 - DIDIUS JULIANUS
This episode is dedicated to Ben Carlisle who will be bludgeoned to death by an angry grandmother's purse and reappear as an in-house plumber for an underground spy network. Thank you Ben, and thank you to all our patrons who allow us to keep telling stories. Enjoy the episode.
EXT. MONTMARTRE CEMETERY – NIGHT.
THE STILL QUIET OF A CEMETERY IS BROKEN BY SOME MUSING.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY, TO HIMSELF) “Money is the root of all evil...” (CHUCKLES)
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I was just saying... “Money is the root of all evil.”
ALVINA
Does that mean I'm not getting paid overtime right now?
INTERVIEWER
But Alvina, you never get paid overtime! (ALVINA CHUCKLES) Anyway, I was just recollecting another story, and the quotation crossed my mind, that’s all.
ALVINA
You got it wrong anyway. “The love of money” is the root of all evil.
INTERVIEWER
Hah, yes and believe me, this fellow loved money, by Jove!
ALVINA
What fellow?
INTERVIEWER
The fellow in the story I’m going to tell you. Do keep up, Alvina!
ALVINA
Evil then, was he?
INTERVIEWER
Well, only up to a point I suppose. Not so much evil as stupid. I mean this guy was a positive shower, a consummate chump. By any metric you’d care to name, he was a dimwit of the highest order! And you should have heard what Kozlowski said about him!
(LAUGHS FONDLY)
ALVINA
If he was so stupid then why did the two of you bother to see him?
INTERVIEWER
Well. He was the Emperor of the Roman Empire, after all.
ALVINA
(LAUGHING) The Roman Emperor?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. I’ve met kings, emperors, megalomaniacs in my time. Want to hear the details?
ALVINA
Go on then. I love a sword and sandal epic. What year was it?
INTERVIEWER
AD 193. The Year of the Five Emperors.
ALVINA
Five?!
INTERVIEWER
Five. It was nearly six but the one before was murdered on New Year’s Eve. The cruel Emperor Commodus.
ALVINA
Uh! From Gladiator? ... You know, the film?
INTERVIEWER
No?
ALVINA
Joaquin Phoenix?
INTERVIEWER
What was that about a Phoenix?
ALVINA
Ugh. Never mind. So, Commodus was murdered...
INTERVIEWER
Strangled in the bath, I hear. I wasn’t there at the time, I was getting my hair done. But Commodus was replaced by a nice old man called Pertinax. Oh, he was wonderful! So kind, so noble, a man you could really trust.
ALVINA
Hmhmm… So, what happened to him?
INTERVIEWER
Hacked to death at the end of March.
ALVINA
(SAW THAT COMING) Of course he was.
INTERVIEWER
Yep. You’re seeing a pattern, aren’t you. It was clear to anyone with any sense that the role of Roman Emperor was basically cursed. I know they say you can’t please all the people all the time, but this was ridiculous. You couldn’t have paid me to take the job, not for all the grapes in Gaul!
ALVINA
But I assume the idiot we’re talking about was paid to take it?
INTERVIEWER
Oh no. Nononono! Quite the opposite...
ALVINA
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
Let me tell you the story of how Kozlowski and I met Marcus Didius Julianus: the man who bought the Roman Empire!
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-quite literally...!
(THEME TUNE)
INTRO.
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 88 – Didius Julianus, 193 AD, by David K. Barnes.
EXT. STREETS OF ROME – NIGHT.
(SCREAMS, SHOUTING, RIOTING. THE PEOPLE OF ROME ARE IN REVOLT)
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
In the city of Rome, the people were revolting. Forgive the pun. What I mean to say is, they were rioting, because they didn’t have any money or food or better-than-average wine, and as if things weren’t bad enough, now they were being invaded!
By who, you ask? Themselves! We’ll get to that later. The point is, the Roman people were in a Roman pickle - and where was the Emperor in their hour of need?
INT. IMPERIAL PALACE – NIGHt
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
He was deep in the bowels of the imperial palace, performing rites of unspeakable magic...
(WE’RE DEEP IN THE HEART OF THE PALACE. IT’S LONELY. WE CAN’T HEAR THE OUTSIDE WORLD. DIDIUS JULIANUS IS DOING HIS RITES FOR THE GODS)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh mighty Jove, god of thunder, granter of divine supremacy!
(ANOTHER PUFF OF FIRE AND SMOKE)
Guileful Janus!
(PUFF!)
Prosperous Plutus!
(PUFF!)
I summon ye gods to aid me now, as ruler of your earthly domains!
(A SCRAPE OF WOOD ON STONE AS HE PICKS UP A BOWL)
I honour you with this sacrifice: the blood of the ram!
(SUDDENLY DISTRACTED BY HOW DISGUSTING IT IS) Urgh, it’s quite sticky actually...
(HE SNAPS BACK INTO IT) Um, anyway –
(IMPRESSIVE AGAIN) Yes, I honour you with blood! Do not listen to those who would blaspheme against me - and by extension, you - by denying my imperial right! (GETTINGS DESPERATE) Help me now! Smite my enemies! Boil the blood in their veins! ... Fuck them up!
(A BIG PUFF OF FIRE AND SMOKE, THE BIGGEST ONE YET)
(BIG EMOTION) I pray you, oh gods, render to me your divine protection! Forsake those who would seek to destroy me! I beseech you, oh gods! I beseech you! I beseech you!
INTERVIEWER
Are you alright?
(DIDIUS JUMPS, ALARMED)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(YELP) Arghh!!
INTERVIEWER
(YELP) Arghh!!
(THEY SCREAM AT EACH OTHER. HIGH-PITCHED)
INTERVIEWER
What are- What- What are you screaming for?
(BEAT AS DIDIUS GETS HIS BREATH BACK)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You... you...
INTERVIEWER
Me, me, that’s right. Get your breath back, old chap.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But who - who are you? What are you doing here?
INTERVIEWER
I might ask you the same question! Up to your eyeballs in sheep’s blood - what do you look like? Honestly.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
How did you get in? I bolted the doors to the chamber, there’s no way you could enter... (IT DAWNS ON HIM) Unless...
INTERVIEWER
Go on...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No mortal man could gain access to this room, so that would mean...
INTERVIEWER
Keep going...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
A divine spirit... Or even...
INTERVIEWER
Nearly there...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
... a god?
INTERVIEWER
By Jove, he’s got it! Haha! Give the man a prize! That’s right, I am a god. And so’s my beautiful assistant.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Your what now?
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGH) He means me.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(YELP)Arghh!!
KOZLOWSKI
(YELP)Arghh!!
(THEY SCREAM AT EACH OTHER. HIGH-PITCHED. THEN SLOOOWLY GET THEIR BREATHS BACK. THE INTERVIEWER IS DELIGHTED)
INTERVIEWER
Oh this is fun! I’m so glad we came!
KOZLOWSKI
Speak for yourself.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The gods have sent me two of you?
INTERVIEWER
They have indeed. Old Jupiter told us to get off our clouds and zip down here pronto. I suppose you must be important?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(OFFENDED) What? Don’t you know who I am?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear, the poor fellow has forgotten who he is.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, it can happen during times of great stress.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I thought that was impotence?
KOZLOWSKI
Could be that too.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’m not impotent!
KOZLOWSKI
Please, I can develop an ungent for you, it is no trouble.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I tell you I’m not impotent! Just ask my wife! Ha.
INTERVIEWER
All right. Where is she?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(AWKWARD)
Well, she isn’t here.
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
(SOTTO)Impotent.
KOZLOWSKI
(SOTTO)Very sad.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Stop it! The reason my wife isn’t here is because she refused to stand by me in my hour of need.
KOZLOWSKI
Depending on your situation, that may have been very wise of her.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
My situation?! Surely you know why I summoned you?
INTERVIEWER
I’m sure I’ve seen his face before.
KOZLOWSKI
I know what you mean. I just cannot place the name...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’m the Emperor!
INTERVIEWER
(AMUSED) What? You? The Emperor?
(LAUGHING) Pull the other one.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I tell you, I’m the Emperor of the Roman Empire!
INTERVIEWER
No no no...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I am!!!
INTERVIEWER
laughing
If you say so old fruit. Politics was never my strong suit.
KOZLOWSKI
He could be the Emperor? There have been so many lately, it is hard to keep track.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
That’s exactly why I summoned you.
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The people need to be taught that I am their Emperor. No one else. Me.
INTERVIEWER
Hang on a tick though... I’m pretty sure our army in Syria just declared a new Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(seething)
They did.
KOZLOWSKI
No no, I heard they declared a new emperor in Britannia.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(seething)
They did that too.
KOZLOWSKI
But you are not him?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No.
INTERVIEWER
Or the other one?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No!
INTERVIEWER
Then I’m officially confused, because if the Emperor’s in Syria-
KOZLOWSKI
Or in Britannia-
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Neither of them are the Emperor!! OK? They’re... fakes! Usurpers!
INTERVIEWER
Usurping you?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes! You can’t just have a bunch of soldiers go, “Oh hey everyone, we’ve decided this guy’s the Emperor now.” It’s outrageous.
KOZLOWSKI
You are saying that our armies in Syria and in Britannia have both, independently, declared one of their own as leader of the Roman Empire? With you already right here in Rome, doing the job?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Exactly!
KOZLOWSKI
And they will not listen to you?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No, they will not!
INTERVIEWER
(FAUX APPALLED) And so you’ve called us all the way down from the Heavens just to knock a few heads together and make everybody play nice again?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(ANGRY) I beseech you not to mock me.
INTERVIEWER
I’m a god, I’ll do what I like!
KOZLOWSKI
Now Artorius, be nice...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(UNIMPRESSED)Wait, Artorius? That’s your name?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. And what’s wrong with it?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Doesn’t sound very godlike.
INTERVIEWER
Well you don’t look like much of an emperor, but here we are!
KOZLOWSKI
Artorius! Cool it.
INTERVIEWER
All right, Clovodicus. You take the lead. See if I care.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you.
(TO DIDIUS JULIANUS)
I must apologise for my divine colleague. He woke up on the wrong side of his cloud this morning.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
That’s all well and good, but Rome is in the midst of a major crisis and I need your help!
KOZLOWSKI
You mean the usurpers and their armies? But they are so far away from here. It would take them weeks, if not months, to arrive. You have plenty of time to convene the Senate and raise an army and-
DIDIUS JULIANUS
We don’t have “plenty of time!” There is another enemy upon us! By now they may even have breeched the city limits!
KOZLOWSKI
But who are they?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(GRAVELY) The most dangerous foe of all. The armies of Septimius Severus.
(HE SPITS CONTEMPTUOUSLY ON THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Urgh! I cannot stand an emperor who spits.
KOZLOWSKI
Shhh! And who is Septimius Severus?
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) There’s a bit of spit on my sandals!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(GRAVELY) Sorry… (NORMAL AGAIN) He’s our governor of Pannonia. Or at least he was - until his men declared him Emperor, and he marched them here to Rome to take the imperial throne!
INTERVIEWER
Hang on, I’m sorry, do you mean to tell us that three men around the Roman Empire have all been declared Emperor? And none of them are you?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Nevertheless, I am the Emperor!
INTERVIEWER
Oh really? Oh right. Because it sounds like they’ve each got an army to back up their claim. What about you?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, as the rightful Emperor, do you not have an army of your own?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
They’ve deserted me.
KOZLOWSKI
And the Senate?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Denounced me.
INTERVIEWER
And the people?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
They’re … rioting in the streets.
KOZLOWSKI
(AMUSED) Ah! So to recap, you have lost the support of the military, the Senate, the people of Rome-
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Don’t forget the Praetorian Guard.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, the Praetorian Guard? The men whose specific job it is to protect the Emperor at all times-?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
They’ve betrayed me, yes.
INTERVIEWER
(AMUSED, STRAIGHT FACE IS FALLING) Yes, well, look, I hate to judge before all the facts are in, but you’re beginning to look unpopular.
KOZLOWSKI
My divine colleague is quite right. The odds are entirely against you. Even your own family has abandoned you to your fate.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Don’t you think I know that? I didn’t stick my knife in a sheep for nothing, you know - I summoned you here because … I need a miracle!
KOZLOWSKI
But why do you continue to believe that you are the Emperor when nobody else will? What on Earth gives you the right to call the Empire yours?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Because damn it, I bought it fair and square, that’s why!
KOZLOWSKI
... You did what?
INTERVIEWER
You bought the entire Roman Empire? ... With money?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Here’s the receipt.
(HE HANDS OVER A PARCHMENT)
INTERVIEWER
(MUTTERS)
... For goodness sake...
KOZLOWSKI
Now wait a moment, Artorius... This document appears to be in order.
INTERVIEWER
You’re joking.
KOZLOWSKI
Look. To the bearer: dominion of the Roman Empire as its one and only Emperor. It looks authentic.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I assure you, it’s above board and entirely genuine.
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFING)
Nono, hat stamp means nothing, I mean, if you believe that, then, you know, I’ve got a pyramid in Giza to sell you.
(DIDIUS JULIANUS IS AUDIBLY CONSIDERING)
INTERVIEWER
Yes it is very lovely!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
How big is it?
INTERVIWER
Very big, it’s the biggest one!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
How many bedrooms?
KOZLOWSKI
(BACK TO TOPIC) But how did this happen? How can somebody just buy an empire?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
We haven’t got time to go into that now! I tell you, Severus is on his way to tear me from this palace-
KOZLOWSKI
Oh never you mind about that. You are under our divine protection. I promise you that Severus will not lay a finger upon you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You swear it?
KOZLOWSKI
I swear it. And there is always time for a story. If you want our help, I suggest you tell it.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I... Oh, very well...
INTERVIEWER
Lovely! Now, Do you have any wine about the place? I’m parched. All that travelling from the Heavens...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh, yes, of course.
(HE RUMMAGES AROUND SOME BOTTLES ON A TABLE)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’m afraid we only have half a bottle of Appian Red.
INTERVIEWER
(WRINKLES NOSE)
It’ll do, I suppose.
(DIDIUS POURS SOME GLASSES)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’d send my slaves out to get something more suitable, only...
KOZLOWSKI
They have already fled the palace.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes. Yes… Ungrateful wretches. You give them a job, a roof over their heads, a day off every year...
INTERVIEWER
(WRY)
Then they turn around and demand their human rights.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Exactly! Total disregard for the economy. How’s a man supposed to stock a palace with decent wine?
KOZLOWSKI
People can be so selfish, is that not so, Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Too right. (HANDS OUT WINE) Here you are.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you, I will not.
INTERVIEWER
But I very much will. Clinkies!
(HE DRINKS)
INTERVIEWER
Right then. Tell us the remarkable story of your imperial elevation.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well. I suppose it began one night in Rome. I was hosting a party, quite a lavish affair. Lots of people there... Friends mainly. A couple of hundred. Probably more.
INTERVIEWER
(doubtful) Mmmhmmm...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
And we were just finishing a few rounds of dice - which I was winning, actually - and everyone was happy and laughing, you know, having a great time. And then somebody comes in and they say that Emperor Pertinax... is dead.
KOZLOWSKI
Urgh, dead emperors are such moodkillers…
DIDIUS JULIANUS
For a little while,yes, it was taking the shine off. You know, everyone was saying, “Gosh. What do we do now?” Because we’re all wealthy, influential people.
INTERVIEWER
Naturally.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
And what we say and do matters. To Rome. To the world. So, I step forward and I say... “We must act.”
INTERVIEWER
Oooh, very good.
KOZLOWSKI
Sexy.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Thank you. “We must act,” I said.
INTERVIEWER
You repeated yourself there.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
For emphasis.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
And that’s when we heard that the Praetorian Guard were back at their camp and sort of wringing their hands, wondering what to do, you see. “Who will be our Emperor?” It was a desperate situation. And desperate situations...
INTERVIEWER
- Call for desperate men!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well no, I wouldn’t say that.
INTERVIEWER
No, sorry, ignore me.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I was going to say, desperate situations call for leadership.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Leadership, you see, and, well, I wasn’t going to put myself forward - because I really am a humble man on the quiet - but suddenly one of my friends said, “Hey Didius, you’d make a good emperor.”
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait wait... your name is Didius?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes. Didius Julianus.
INTERVIEWER
... You’re called Didius - but you thought my name was uninspiring?
KOZLOWSKI
Artorius, let it go.
INTERVIEWER
Fine, fine... Carry on, Diddy.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Didius.
INTERVIEWER
Whatever.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
So, this friend says that I’d make a good emperor, and I brush it off, of course. But then someone else says, “No, seriously, you’d be great,” and I go, “Thanks but no thanks,” and then a woman - who was an absolute ten, by the way - she goes, “Didius you simply must do it. You’re the man we need.”
KOZLOWSKI
(DOUBTFUL)Uh-huh.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
And it turns out that everyone there is thinking it, they’re practically begging me to be emperor, and by this point it would be wrong not to do it. I’d be letting my country down. Rome needs me. It’s my duty. And I say “My friends, I have listened! I will be your Emperor!” And everyone at the party just stands up and applauds.
INTERVIEWER
Ri-ight... I need more wine.
(He pours himself another, meanwhile:)
KOZLOWSKI
But Emperor, if events happened as you say, then why did you end up having to buy the empire?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Ah, well, you see we all piled outside and they carried me to the Praetorian camp on their shoulders. But it turned out that the late Emperor’s father-in-law had beaten me there! He wanted to be Emperor himself - and he was willing to resort to bribery to get it.
INTERVIEWER
(GASP) Not bribery!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh yes… But I wasn’t having any of this!
INTERVIEWER
Of course you weren’t!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I knew what to do.
INTERVIEWER
Of course you did!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Rome deserved better than having a conniving shit as an Emperor!
INTERVIEWER
So you stepped down immediately!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
So I stepped down imme- nonono, wait, what? No, I stepped up! I marched forward and said, “Anything he can do, I can do better!”
KOZLOWSKI (PERFECTLY IN TUNE)
You could do anything better than him!
INTERVIEWER
No he can’t?
DIDIUS
Yes I can!
(DIDIUS THROWS DOWN HIS GLASS WITH A DRAMATIC FLOURISH)
And I said, “Ten thousand sesterces to every man in the guard!” Because he’d only been offering seven.
KOZLOWSKI
Ten thousand to every man? That is a good offer...
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Ten thousand? Oh, chicken feed. I say twelve thousand!
KOZLOWSKI
Very nice! The bid is now twelve thousand sesterces to every man. Any advance on twelve?
(FAST!)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Thirteen thousand!
KOZLOWSKI
Thirteen thousand.
INTERVIEWER
Fourteen!
KOZLOWSKI
Fourteen-!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Fifteen!
KOZLOWSKI
Fifteen-!
INTERVIEWER
Sixteen and that’s my final offer!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Seventeen!
INTERVIEWER
Eighteen and that’s my final offer!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Nineteen!
KOZLOWSKI
Gentlemen, the figure now stands at nineteen thousand for this supreme example of imperial craftwork: one Roman Empire, second hand but scarcely used.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, chum, let’s stop playing kids games. Twenty thousand sesterces to every man in the Praetorian Guard. How many are there, by the way?
KOZLOWSKI
In the guard?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
About, um... fifteen-thousand men.
INTERVIEWER
(CHOKES) Fifteen thousand?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, so at twenty-thousand a head, you have just bid a total of three hundred million sesterces.
INTERVIEWER
Fuck! Me! ... Oh, shit, well that’s the holiday to Britannia down the drain.
KOZLOWSKI
Nah, it rains a lot, you are not missing anything.
(INTERVIEWER AND DIDIUS SQUARE OFF)
INTERVIEWER
Alright. Twenty thousand sesterces a head. Your move, Diddy.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Don’t call me Diddy.
INTERVIEWER
Why don’t you make me?
KOZLOWSKI
Gentlemen, the bid is twenty thousand sesterces to each member of the Praetorian guard, in exchange for the titles of Augustus and Princeps, and imperium over the Empire of Rome: the greatest and most powerful in the world. Going once... Going twice...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(clears throat) TWENTY. FIVE. THOUSAND.
INTERVIEWER
(spits wine)
What?!
KOZLOWSKI
Will you raise your bid?
INTERVIEWER
If he wants it, he can have it!
(BONKS SOMETHING ON THE TABLE)
KOZLOWSKI
Bang! SOLD! For a total outlay of three hundred and seventy five million sesterces: Didius Julianus, the Roman Empire is yours to command! All hail the Emperor!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes! All hail me!
INTERVIEWER
What a man! What an emperor!
(DOES CROWD ‘YESSS’ NOISES - ‘RAAAAA, RAAAA!’)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The people roar their approval!
The women are crying with joy, and the lads are clapping me on the back, and they carry me home again - crowdsurfing me all the way there, you should have seen it! Chanting my name, cheering, thousands upon thousands of …friends!
INTERVIEWER & KOZLOWSKI
For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellowwwwwwwwwww-!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
For I’m a jolly good fellooooooooow!!!
(A LOUD AND FOREBODING KNOCKING, somehow far away but also very present)
(Pause)
INTERVIEWER
... What was that?
(The KNOCKING comes again)
KOZLOWSKI
It sounds like knocking. There must be someone at the palace doors... Emperor, are you expecting anyone-
(CUTS OFF, AS HE SEES DIDIUS IS TERRIFIED. JUST STUTTERING)
KOZLOWSKI
(CONCERNED)
Emperor? Are you alright?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(TERRIFIED) They’re... they’re here... They’ve come for me...!
(SOME INSISTENT KNOCKING)
KOZLOWSKI
But who is here?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Severus! ... He’s found me...
INTERVIEWER
Well you are in the imperial palace, you hardly made it difficult.
KOZLOWSKI
(CHIDING) Artorius! The man is terrified.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(TERRIFIED) No I’m not.
INTERVIEWER
Ha! I’ve never seen an emperor’s knees knocking before.
KOZLOWSKI
Artorius, please do something useful and see who it is?
INTERVIEWER
Me? Go out there?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Not bloody likely.
KOZLOWSKI
You will be safe. It is him they want to tear to pieces, not you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(TERRIFIED STUTTER) Tear to pieces?!
INTERVIEWER
Well if it’s so peachy, then you go out there and see who it is!
(KNOCKING)
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, fine! Do not go anywhere…
(HE WALKS OFF, SLIPS THE BOLTS ON A DOOR, OPENS, WALKS OUT, CLOSES IT, AND CARRIES ON DISTANTLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR. BEAT)
INTERVIEWER
Didius?
DidIUS JULIANUS
Y-Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Any more of that wine?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No. You’ve had the lot.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
(TENSE BEAT. THEY’RE BOTH A BIT SCARED)
INTERVIEWER
Look here old man, all that guff about the auction and being carried off on the shoulders of friends...?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
It’s true! All true!
INTERVIEWER
Really though?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
It’s mostly all true!
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) So what happened next? I imagine you partied all night and then came the hangover.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Despite the festivities, I woke up bright and full of ideas about what I was going to do as Emperor.
INTERVIEWER
Oh really? Like what?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well. I’d been trying to get my kitchen redecorated for weeks, but the workmen were dragging their heels on giving me their quote. But, like, I was Emperor, so I knew they’d have to get back to me now!
INTERVIEWER
... About your kitchen.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes! I mean, I should have tried another firm, but apparently I have a ‘reputation’ for being difficult, and word gets round. It’s all lies.
INTERVIEWER
Right. And having compelled the labourers to discuss your kitchen with you, how next did you plan to use the imperium of the Roman Empire?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well I thought I’d take the family out to a few places, you know, buy my wife some fancy new jewellery, try and get my daughter to talk to me again – oh oh oh! and statues! Yes! Some whacking great statues.
INTERVIEWER
Nice! Of what?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Me, obviously.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, obviously.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
In the forum,
INTERVIEWER
Yes, right.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
in the markets...
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Outside my old school...
INTERVIEWER
Right. What about the people?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The pe- Oh! The people! Well, they could look at the statues.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but what were your plans for Rome, the Empire? For ruling?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Rome… Ruling… Well, give me a chance! It’s only been a couple of months.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry…? A couple of months?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yeah. Soon goes by.
INTERVIEWER
You’ve only been Emperor for a couple of months?! And you’ve already brought the Empire to the brink of destruction and ruin?!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yeah. Yeah… Two months. It’s a tougher job than it looks! The Senate didn’t make it any easier, let me tell you. They totally ballsed up my accession.
INTERVIEWER
(Muttering) I mean it’s quite impressive… Two months...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(NOT LISTENING)
Kept saying they’d never had an Emperor foisted on them like this before - which is an absolute lie, by the way, because we’ve all been foisted on them to some extent. Stupid bunch of old windbags.
INTERVIEWER
The emperors or the Senate?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The Senate! Of course! They refused to swear me in at first. Told me to go home.
INTERVIEWER
What made them change their mind?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
The Praetorian Guard surrounded the Senate House and drew their swords.
INTERVIEWER
Right, yes, well. That’ll do it.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I didn’t ask them to! They were only trying to help. But then the Senate said I was intimidating my way to the top, oh boo-hoo. I’m a good guy! All I wanted was to make some friends!
INTERVIEWER
I thought you had friends?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(EVASIVE) Er. More friends.
INTERVIEWER
More friends. In fact, with so many influential friends, why was the Senate a problem at all? Surely your friends were in the Senate?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(FLOUNDERIG) Well, yes, but, well... you see-
(THE DOOR ACROSS THE ROOM SCRAPES OPEN. KOZLOWSKI ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Clovodicus? Uhm… You’re still in one piece, I see.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, Artorius, I am fine.
INTERVIEWER
That’s a relief.
(KOZLOWSKI CALMLY WALKS OVER TO THEM)
KOZLOWSKI
So, I have just been talking to Severus.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh my gods!!
INTERVIEWER
You mean he is out there?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. Big fellow. Quite handsome. He seems charming, for a man covered in the blood of his enemies.
INTERVIEWER
Nevermind about that - what does he want?
KOZLOWSKI
It is surely obvious? He wants to be the Emperor. He wants Didius to give himself up.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I hope you showed him my receipt.
KOZLOWSKI
I did. He tore it up. Sorry.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But... but I paid good money! That must count for something?
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Wh-what.
KOZLOWSKI
Why must it count for something? Why should money matter now?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Because everything has a price! Everybody has a price!
(SUDDEN THOUGHT) What would he accept do you think?
KOZLOWSKI
Severus?
INTERVIEWER
I mean, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in a deal.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You never know, he could be bluffing. Y’know, playing chicken.
KOZLOWSKI
He has seventy-five thousand men. That is quite a bluff.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(QUIETLY) Oh shit… (LOUDLY) Well then if he’s so powerful, why doesn’t he just come in here and drag me out?
KOZLOWSKI
He will if you do not co-operate.
INTERVIEWER
Think about it, Diddy. If he simply stormed in here and stuck a sword in you, he’d be no better than a common murderer. But if he gives you a chance to surrender and you refuse, then he’ll be justified in doing whatever he likes to you. Yes! He’ll be liberating the people from a tyrant.
KOZLOWSKI
It is basic public relations.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
So… what you’re saying is... he still needs me?
INTERVIEWER
Er....
KOZLOWSKI
Um....
INTERVIEWER
No, I think you misunderstood something…
DIDIUS JULIANUS (NOT LISTENING)
I mean, if he wants to look good? If he needs me to play ball, then he’ll damn well do what I tell him!
KOZLOWSKI
I think you are forgetting the army of seventy-five thousand men.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Go out there and make him an offer.
KOZLOWSKI
What kind of offer?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
As Emperor of Rome, I will … adopt him as my son and heir.
INTERVIEWER
You will what?
KOZLOWSKI
... Adopt him?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
That’s right.
INTERVIEWER
He’s older than you isn’t he?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Hey shut up. I’ll adopt him. That way, he’ll be my second in command, and he can take over when I retire. Legitimate. Maybe I’ll give him Gaul to keep him sweet.
KOZLOWSKI
You really ought to think this through...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I have spoken! Go! Outside! Convey my very good offer! Or I’ll have your head!
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS) As my Emperor commands...
(KOZLOWSKI WALKS OUT, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, UNDER)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh yes, oh well done Didius… I’ll show them. Ooh I’ll show them all.
INTERVIEWER
Why do you need to show them anything? You said you were popular - what changed all that?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Now… look, I may have... exaggerated.
INTERVIEWER
(SARCASTIC) NO! But your story was so believable! I mean! I am astonished.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Don’t… don’t you dare rub it in.
INTERVIEWER
Did you really throw a party on the night of the emperor’s death?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh yes I threw a party.
INTERVIEWER
Did anyone go to it?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
... No.
INTERVIEWER
Didn’t think so. And the auction? What about that?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
That happened! That really did!
INTERVIEWER
Really? Really? The crowds and the cheering and all the rest of it.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well. The other guy was inside the camp. I was on the outside. They wouldn’t even let me in to bid. Soldiers standing on the ramparts, sneering down at me. I had to raise my voice so they could hear me bidding.
INTERVIEWER
(PITY) Just a lonely man yelling numbers over a wall.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But I did win the auction! I earned the right to be the Emperor. (INTERVIEWER HUMS IN DOUBT) The Senate even swore me in eventually.
INTERVIEWER
Did they though?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
They did! Oh, and they hated me for it. No matter what I did for them. I tell you what my friend. I threw games, funded theatre, gave them gifts, I even laughed at their terrible, disgusting jokes.
INTERVIEWER
That was good of you…
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I tried so hard to make them like me.
INTERVIEWER
Diddy. Don’t you see why it didn’t work? You can’t make people like you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But yes you can! I’ve seen it happen!
INTERVIEWER
Nonono, doesn’t matter how many statues of yourself you put outside your old school. You can make people appear to like you, but they’ll always resent you deep down unless you’re sincere.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(MISERABLE) I sincerely want them to like me!
INTERVIEWER
But do you like them? Do you like anyone, for that matter?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well. Why should I when they don’t like me first?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Diddy, you are quite impossible.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
And you’re no god.
INTERVIEWER
(NOT WORRIED) What makes you say that?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
When Severus came knocking, you were scared to go out there. And you were glad your counterpart came back “in one piece.” Can gods really be so afraid of men?
INTERVIEWER
(WITH A SMILE) Well. I mean. That depends on what men believe in, doesn’t it.
(DOOR SLIDES OPEN. KOZLOWSKI CROSSES TO THEM, UNDER:)
INTERVIEWER
That was quick.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, Severus is a decisive fellow.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well? What did he say? Does he accept?
KOZLOWSKI
He had a counter-offer.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh. What is it?
KOZLOWSKI
Here.
(KOZLOWSKI THROWS A SWORD DOWN ONTO THE GROUND. CLANG)
INTERVIEWER
Oh my.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
It’s... well, it’s a sword.
KOZLOWSKI
Correct.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Rough edge, no defining features... Just an ordinary soldier’s sword. It’s not much of a gift, really.
KOZLOWSKI
It is not a gift.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What am I meant to do with it?
KOZLOWSKI
I believe the idea is that you end your life.
(SHOCKED INTERVIEWER GASP)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(SHOCKED) ... I... But... Are you sure?
KOZLOWSKI
I am.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(SCARED) You didn’t mishear him? He didn’t say end my wife for instance?
KOZLOWSKI
Seeing as you refuse to surrender to the State, he believes the only appropriate course of action is for you to fall upon your sword.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(DESPERATE) But this sword isn’t mine!
KOZLOWSKI
It is now. I just gave it to you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But... but what evil have I done? Whom have I killed? ... What have I... What have I... What have I done to deserve this?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Diddy, old bean, the game’s up, and the chips are down. Time to pack it all in, wouldn’t you say?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You’re telling me I should kill myself?!
INTERVIEWER
What? No no no, you misunderstand. You’ve no hope in Hades of being the Emperor any more, but that doesn’t mean you have to die for it. You could begin a new life, far away from here. Turn things around. Be the better man, the man you always wanted to be.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No? But how? How can you help me? You’re not even gods.
KOZLOWSKI
You told him?
INTERVIEWER
He guessed.
(TO DIDIUS) We may not be gods, but I assure you, we do have powers! Clovodicus?
KOZLOWSKI
Artorius?
INTERVIEWER
Shall we?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, why not? He still has some of that magic powder somewhere...
(HE FETCHES SOME OF DIDIUS’S MAGIC SOOT FROM THE ALTAR)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What are you going to do?
INTERVIEWER
Shhh!
A PUFF OF SMOKE, AS THE RITUAL BEGINS.
INTERVIEWER
(CALLING UP TO THE GODS)
Oh Jupiter! Oh Juno!
KOZLOWSKI
O tempora! O mores!
INTERVIEWER
Oh blimey! Oh crikey!
INTERVIEWER & KOZLOWSKI
Heed our words!
KOZLOWSKI
Aid us now, so that we may save the life of your servant, Didius.
INTERVIEWER
Provide us with the means to deliver him from evil!
KOZLOWSKI
Forgive him his faults - which are numerous.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh fuck off-
INTERVIEWER
Don’t interrupt!
(BACK TO IT)
KOZLOWSKI & INTERVIEWER
Oh Gods! Help us! Send us a sign!
(A BIG PUFF OF SMOKE! A MAN HAS APPEARED. HE STEPS FORWARD)
FORNIO
The gods have heard you - and I obey their call.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
... Wha-? ... Who are you?
FORNIO
My name is Fornio. I am of humble, Roman stock. I am a gladiator.
KOZLOWSKI
He is the key to your new life.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But... how? A gladiator? What, is he going to fight our way out of here or something?
(LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) No, that would be senseless.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
So what can he do?
KOZLOWSKI
serious
He can die for you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Die? ... What for?
FORNIO
Emperor, I have a family. A wife and child. We are poor. I fight in the arena, to provide us with the money to live on. But sooner or later, I will lose a fight. I will die. And then my family will have nothing.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well. Boo-hoo. A sad story I dare say, but what does it have to do with me?
KOZLOWSKI
Fornio, come closer. Step into the light.
FORNIO
My lord.
(HE STEPS CLOSER)
KOZLOWSKI
Look upon his face, Emperor. Do you notice anything... familiar?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No. He’s a handsome devil, I’ll give him that, but otherwise...
INTERVIEWER
You notice nothing?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No I do not! Why does he matter?
INTERVIEWER
There are any number of answers to that question, but as far as you’re concerned: I mean, he’s the spitting image of you.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Is he?
INTERVIEWER
Yep.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You mean I really look like him?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean, you look more like the first draft, as it were, before they’d worked out all the problems. I mean, look at him, he’s-
But broadly speaking, the resemblance is rather striking.
KOZLOWSKI
Striking and useful.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes... Yes, I’m beginning to see...
INTERVIEWER
You and Fornio will swap clothes, and he’ll be found here by Severus: dead. Severus will believe you killed yourself after all and get on with seizing command of the Empire, while you actually begin a new life elsewhere, unmolested. Rather neat, don’t you think?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(DOUBTFUL) Yes...
KOZLOWSKI
You have doubts?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
More like questions, really.
INTERVIEWER
Well you can ask them as you both change clothes. Go on.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Hang on, hang on! I’m not getting my kit off in front of you lot.
INTERVIEWER
Oh please, Diddy. My colleague here is a qualified doctor, and I could do with a laugh. Get your kit off. Quickly!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(GRUMBLES) Fine... Fine, I’m doing it.
KOZLOWSKI
You too, Fornio.
FORNIO
My lord.
(DIDIUS JULIANUS AND FORNIO UNDRESS AND SWAP CLOTHES. DIDIUS WAS WEARING A TOGA, FORNIO HAD GLADIATORIAL GEAR: LOIN CLOTH, BREAST PLATE, LEATHER STRAPS, ETC. DIALOGUE CONTINUES UNDER)
KOZLOWSKI
You said you had some questions about our plan, Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What? Oh yes. I understand we swap places, but how do I escape the palace without being seen?
INTERVIEWER
The secret passage of course. How’d you think we got in?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Secret passage?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, look.
(PRESSES A BUTTON; A DOOR SWINGS OPEN. HE OPENS AND CLOSES IT A FEW TIMES)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I didn’t know about that!
INTERVIEWER
It’d hardly be a secret if you did.
KOZLOWSKI
We bought the architect’s diagrams from his great, great grandson. One might call it an investment.
INTERVIEWER
You’re not the first emperor who’s needed saving, and you certainly won’t be the last.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Who are you, anyway?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, we’re very clever men, that’s all you need to know. Next question?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well, it’s about this fellow.
KOZLOWSKI
I can assure you that Fornio is reliable.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
But if he’s going to take my place and get discovered by Severus, dead on the floor, then... well, he’s going to have to die isn’t he? So what’s in it for him?
FORNIO
Emperor, all I ask is that my family be provided for after I am gone, to live out the rest of their lives in peace and comfort. Give them the security that I could not.
KOZLOWSKI
A noble request, would you not say Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(MAKES HIS MIND UP) Yes. Yes of course. It shall be granted. The deeds to my North African estates are yours.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, we already took them from your office on the way here.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What? How?
INTERVIEWER
Secret passage.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(SIGH) Right.
KOZLOWSKI
Those estates will do very nicely, but perhaps we might obtain a more tangible reward in the short term? A sort of advance payment?
INTERVIEWER
That goblet on your altar would suffice.
(DIDIUS GRABS IT. SCRAPE OF METAL ON WOOD)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
This? It’s encrusted with some of the finest jewels in the empire. It’s worth more than ten men could earn in a lifetime.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, as I said, it would suffice.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I... oh, very well.
FORNIO
Thank you, Emperor.
(THEY’VE FINISHED SWITCHING CLOTHES)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
There. All changed. Now what?
INTERVIEWER
Let’s get a look at you both... How d’you like the toga, Fornio?
FORNIO
I’ve never felt wool of this quality before... It’s soft...
(INTERVIEWER HUMS)
KOZLOWSKI
And you, Emperor? How is the uniform of a gladiator?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Er... It’s a bit revealing, isn’t it? And chilly.
KOZLOWSKI
Never mind, fleeing for your life should warm you up.
INTERVIEWER
Now, all that’s left is to provide the body... Fornio, you’re up.
FORNIO
(RESOLUTE) Yes, my lord.
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps we could have a few words of inspiration from the Emperor himself?
(PAUSE)
... Diddy, that’s you
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh, oh yes. Er... I commend your courage, good... (STRUGGLES) Fulvio?
FORNIO
Fornio.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What you do, FORNIO, you do for Rome, in the service of its legitimate Emperor. The gods are with you.
FORNIO
Thank you, Emperor.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Now take this sword...
(FORNIO PICKS UP THE SWORD)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
... and die well, brave …Fornio.
FORNIO
Emperor, I have but one more request.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Name it, my child.
FORNIO
I cannot die by my own hand. It would be impious and give the gods displeasure. Therefore, I ask... that you dispatch me. End my life.
INTERVIEWER
That’s a good idea, yes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(SPLUTTERING SO HARD) ... Me?
FORNIO
Yes, Emperor. Do me this honour.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You want me to stab you to death?
KOZLOWSKI
A swift, clean kill should be possible. You have used a sword before? Commanded armies, and so on?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Er, well, no. Sort of left that to others. I’m a politician, you know.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. Yes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’ve never used one of these.
KOZLOWSKI
Mmm. Well. There is a first time for everything.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
... Right... Um... Right... And you’re sure you couldn’t do it?
KOZLOWSKI
I am a doctor! I know only how to save lives.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What about you?
INTERVIEWER
Me? No no no. I’m not the Emperor.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I give you my imperial blessing?
INTERVIEWER
Not today, thank you. This is your job. The gods are watching.
FORNIO
Please, Emperor.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes. Right. OK. Um.
(HE’S TERRIFIED)
Right. Here goes... Er... Close your eyes, Flavifornio.
(HE GEARS HIMSELF UP TO KILL FORNIO. RISING TENSION. HE TRIES TO STEADY HIS BREATHING)
In the... in the name... the name of Rome... I... I...
(RISING TENSION…)
(EXHALES) No, sorry, I can’t do it.
FORNIO
Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I cannot dispatch you. I refuse.
KOZLOWSKI
Emperor?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I will not stab this man.
INTERVIEWER
But this plan is your only chance of escape! I mean, you must kill him!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Yes, but... but...
KOZLOWSKI
But you cannot do it. Artorius, I told you we had underestimated him.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I’ll be damned…
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You have?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, my colleague here insisted that when push came to shove, your inner nobility would not allow you to take such an immoral act for so base a reason.
KOZLOWSKI
You realise at last that human life cannot be bought so easily. That there is more to existence than material things. There is honour. Compassion. The need to do what is right for the many, not the few.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, I had my doubts, but there is hope for you, after all-
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Can you kill him for me?
INTERVIEWER
What?!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Well I don’t want to get covered in blood, do I? Makes me sick. ... And if we could hurry it up, that would b great.
INTERVIEWER
What are you talking about?? You don’t like blood? You had your hands deep inside a sheep’s carcass only half an hour ago!! Look!!
(HE SLAPS HIS HAND DOWN INTO A DEAD SHEEP. VERY VIVID SQUELCH!!!)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’m an Emperor! I have standards. Tell you what, Fo- (STRUGGLES)
INTERVIEWER
Fornio!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Fornio, sorry, kill yourself and there’s a couple of extra diamonds for your family.
(CHUCKS A COUPLE OF DIAMONDS INTO THE GOBLET)
Can’t say fairer than that, can I?
FORNIO
(SAD) Yes, Emperor.
INTERVIEWER
(MUTTERS) Unbelievable...
KOZLOWSKI
sigh
I guess we should get started. I will remain with Fornio to help the subterfuge, and Artorius, you take the Emperor up the back passage.
INTERVIEWER
I beg your par-
KOZLOWSKI
Oh grow up!
(HE PULLS A LEVER; SECRET DOOR SWINGS OPEN)
KOZLOWSKI
There. Out you go, hurry.
(DIDIUS SCRAMBLES PAST AND INTO THE TUNNEL)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
going
You don’t have to tell me twice!
INTERVIEWER
And Clovodicus?... Be careful.
KOZLOWSKI
I will try. Go.
(THE INTERVIEWER FOLLOWS DIDIUS. KOZLOWSKI PULLS THE LEVER, SHUTTING THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Mind your head!
(DIDIUS IMMEADIATELY SLAMS HIS HEAD)
I did say- nevermind. Just move, come on…
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I’m moving, I’m moving…
(DOOR CLOSES)
FORNIO
(DULLY) The Emperor really was a coward after all, then.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, Fornio, he was. I am sorry. But I am sure it is for the best.
Scrape of the sword.
KOZLOWSKI
Your death awaits you.
EXT. HARBOUR, EDGE OF ROME – MORNING
IT’S MANY HOURS LATER AND DIDIUS AND THE INTERVIEWER HAVE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE HARBOUR AT THE EDGE OF ROME.
WATER GENTLY LAPPING. OCCASIONAL SEAGULL. PEOPLE SETTING ABOUT THEIR WORK. PEACEFUL AND IDYLLIC.
(THE INTERVIWER AND DIDIUS JULIANUS ENTER THE SCENE, KEEPING A LOW PROFILE. HIDING UNDER CLOAKS. SUFFERING)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, my feet! I should never have undertaken this journey in new sandals.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Stop complaining! We reached the harbour, didn’t we? We’re miles away from the city.
INTERVIEWER
Yes but it took all night! Look, the sun’s rising on the water, the seagulls are waking up, people are going to work... You’ve heard of work? It’s what the rest of us do to pay our taxes.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(SARCASTIC) Ho ho, what a card. Anyway, they’re not my taxes anymore. Severus is Emperor now. I’m a man of the people once more.
INTERVIEWER
And I suppose you want to live like common people?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Fuck no. I’m going to cash in some securities and live it up in Spain. I’m not mental! ... Do you think it’s safe to come out from under these cloaks?
INTERVIEWER
I mean, I don’t see an angry mob waiting to stick your head on a spike. I believe it’s safe.
(THEY DIVEST THEMSELVES OF THE CLOAKS)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(BREATHES IN THE AIR) Ah! What it is to be free! You said you had a boat prepared?
INTERVIEWER
Waiting to give you a heave ho to Hispania. Take your last look at Rome, boyo. It’s a one-way trip. You won’t be coming back.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(DETERMINED) Oh yes I will.
INTERVIEWER
Um... what?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
You think I’m just going to run away, keep my head down, and lick my wounds for the rest of my life?
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes. That’s exactly what I thought you’d do. If you’re lucky you might make some actual friends.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(DETERMINED CHUCKLE) Rome hasn’t seen the last of me.
INTERVIEWER
Now come on, Diddy-
DIDIUS JULIANUS
I AM NOT DIDDY.
(COLD, RESOLUTE)
I am Marcus Didius Julianus.
(THERE’S A POWERFUL MEGALOMANIA BUBBLING UP) An Emperor in exile is still an Emperor. I have learned my lesson: a Roman should put his trust not in loyalty or friendship, but in superior force.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY, SADLY)
Didius...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(IGNORES)
They’ll rue the day they mocked Didius Julianus. I bought Rome once and I can do so again. This is only the beginning. I will prepare. I will grow stronger. When the time is right, I will return and take my proper place as the supreme power of the Roman worrrrrld-!!
MAN
(INTERRUPTS) ‘Scuse me, sorry. Sorry to butt in, you don’t know me or anything, but um...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What?
MAN
It’s just my mates and I,
(SEVERAL BACKGROUND HELLOS)
we could have sworn we recognised you. “Go over and ask him!” they says, so-
DidIUS JULIANUS
(SCARED) Oh, er, I’m nobody, really-
MAN
No no, straight up, ‘cos you look just like him. So are you the...
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No, nooooo, ha ha.
MAN
I have to ask.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(LITTLE VOICE) Please no.
MAN
Are you sure you’re not the....
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(DEEP TERRIFIED BREATH)
MAN
... best damn gladiator that Rome’s ever seen?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What?
MAN
You’re Fornio, ain’t ya! You’re Fornio the gladiator! We’ve seen all your fights, ain’t we?
(GROUP OF PEOPLE, ENTHUSIASTIC MURMURING. “YEAH! YEAH!” DIDIUS DOESN’T GET A SINGLE WORD IN, ONLY STUTTERS)
MAN
We take our wives and kids - it’s the best day out there is!
DidIUS JULIANUS
Yes, but actually-
INTERVIEWER
That’s right everyone! It’s Fornio!
(CHEERS!)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
What? No-!
MAN
You’re a legend!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Gosh, am I?
MAN
You’re the king!
(CHEERS!)
INTERVIEWER
He’s awfully shy in public! They all are, these sportsmen! Gather round, get your autographs!
Man
Ah, cheers! Come on lads!
A LAD
Could you just – inscribe it here please?
(DIDIUS IS MOBBED)
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Oh, no, please, this is all...
MAN
Hey, bit far from the Colosseum ain’t yer? Oh, never mind, we’ll get you there! Least we can do!
EXCITED LADS
Yeah!!!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
Er, no, what are you doing-
(THEY ALL PICK HIM UP AS HE STRUGGLES)
INTERVIEWER
That’s right! Heave him onto your shoulders, that’s the way!
DIDIUS JULIANUS
No! No! Put me down!
INTERVIEWER
But Fornio, they love you! They’re going to crowdsurf you all the way to the Colosseum! You wouldn’t want to miss your next fight would you?
DIDIUS JULIANUS
NO! No no no, please!
INTERVIEWER
Farewell, old bean! Always give the public what they want!
(LADS START CHANTING TO THE TUNE OF VINDALOO FOOTBALL SONG)
MAN
Fornioooo! Fornioooo! Fornio Fornio Fornioooooo! (etc)
The happy lads carry off Didius Julianus into the distance.
DIDIUS JULIANUS
(PROTESTING) Please, please listen to me, I’m not Fornio, I’m not Fornio!
(HE IS IGNORED)
(THE INTERVIEWER WATCHES FOR A WHILE, SATISFIED)
INTERVIEWER
Well well well. At last he finally knows what it’s like to be popular.
(KOZLOWSKI AND FORNIO WALK UP TO HIM)
KOZLOWSKI
Well, making dreams come true is all part of the job, eh Artorius?
INTERVIEWER
Clovodicus! You made it! How’d it go? Was it all alright?
KOZLOWSKI
Why not ask our client for yourself?
FORNIO
My lord! I can’t thank you enough!
INTERVIEWER
Fornio! I’m so glad to see you safe and well! It was quite a risk.
KOZLOWSKI
But worth it. Severus burst in with his soldiers not long after you left. But having smeared Fornio with leftover sheep’s blood, the charade of producing a dead emperor was simplicity itself.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, wonderful. And especially with a doctor on hand to help things along and take the ‘body’ away without suspicion.
FORNIO
I can’t believe it all worked! You are both incredible!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, I suppose we are pretty divine! I must admit, your resemblance to Diddy gave us a good steer, but I had no idea we could pull it off.
KOZLOWSKI
Believe in yourself, Artorius. (INTERVIEWER HUMS) The Brotherhood has never let a client down before, and we never will.
FORNIO
I still don’t know how I can repay you for what you’ve done.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, just lead a happy life! We took on this job for pleasure. An opportunity to royally screw over the emperor is hard to pass up.
KOZLOWSKI
Now, we have a boat that can take you far away to Hispania - and this jewel-encrusted goblet should cover the down payment on a new home. I know a fence out there who will give you an excellent price for it.
FORNIO
Thank you, lord! My wife and child, I must tell them the news!
KOZLOWSKI
They are already waiting for you on the boat. Over there, see?
FORNIO
(SO HAPPY) Yes!! Yes, I see them! I - I must go to them - I - thank you! Thank you for everything!
INTERVIEWER
You’re welcome. Good luck!
(FORNIO RUNS OFF TO REUNITE WITH HIS FAMILY)
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Ahh. It does the heart good, does it not?
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely. Mind you, it would have been nice to make some money.
KOZLOWSKI
We have the deeds of Didius’s estates? They must be worth a lot?
INTERVIEWER
Not when Severus repossesses them to pay for his own regime...
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe if we are quick, we can sell a house or two?
INTERVIEWER
Maybe. At the very least, the deeds will make nice souvenirs. Might stick them on the office wall.
KOZLOWSKI
See? There is always a bright side. Especially when somebody was able to palm the extra jewels that Didius threw into the goblet...
(KOZLOWSKI OPENS HIS HAND, THE CLINK OF JEWELS)
INTERVIEWER
You did?
KOZLOWSKI
I did!
INTERVIEWER
You sly old dog! I don’t suppose they might cover a sumptuous breakfast?
KOZLOWSKI
You know, I think they just might!
INTERVIEWER
Good, I’m famished, and my feet are killing me! Damn sandals! Maybe we could buy a new pair of sandals too…
END CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Peter Wicks as Didius Julianus, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Darren Lerigo as Fornio, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, and Benjamin Noble and Torgny G. Aanderaa as the lads.
The episode was written by David K Barnes with story editing and direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. The episode was recorded at Theme Studio in London.
If you’d like to watch a Behind the Scenes video about the making of this episode, and get all future episodes a month early and ad-free, consider joining our Patreon community for the price of a cup of cocoa. More info at ameliapodcast.com
Thank you to all of you who are already patrons, without you this show would disappear and reappear as entomology podcast focussing on the Leaf-Mimic-Katydid.
And a shout-out to our super patrons, at the time of recording that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Tucker Eckweiler, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky.
And now, the epilogue.
EXT. SCOTTISH FIELD – NIGHT
THE CRACKLING FIRE.
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES) Arthur and I had all sorts of epic adventures in Ancient Rome - but that was my personal favourite.
MIA
Huh. I guess Didius Julianus was the Elon Musk of the Roman Empire.
JACKIE
What, you mean he was an incredibly wealthy guy who was mad that he didn’t have any friends?
MIA
Yeah, so he bought something big to prove how cool he was, and then broke it almost immediately.
JACKIE
Pissing everyone off in the process. Oh, there’s a lesson there.
KOZLOWSKI
Empires rise, but they inevitably fall. Didius Julianus is a footnote in the history books. Herodian, Dio, the Historia Augusta...
JACKIE
Wikipedia.
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. I doubt anybody has ever previously spoken of him for as long as I have tonight. And if he is remembered at all, it is as an example of hubris and failure.
JACKIE
What about Fornio?
MIA
Yeah, what happened to him?
KOZLOWSKI
He safely reached Hispania with his family, sold the goblet, and settled down. I heard this from the fence I knew out there. But whereas Didius Julianus earned a very small place in the history books, on Fornio they are entirely silent. He was a good but ordinary man, and ordinary men are not immortal.
Beat.
(KNOWING SMILE) Still. Who wants to live forever, ey?
END