EPISODE 89 – Z
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Miss Nixie who vanished in the house of mirrors at a travelling fun fair and who will soon reappear as a cartoonist for the New Yorker. Thank you Miss Nixie and thank you to all our patrons who allow us to keep telling stories.
PROLOGUE.
(INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ARE ON CAMELS, RIDING THROUGH THE DESERT)
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
Kaleb?
KOZLOWSKI
There, on the horizon. That is Jericho!
INTERVIEWER
You are sure it is not a mirage?
KOZLOWSKI
It is Jericho Arthur! Soon we shall have bread and wine and as many figs as we can eat!
INTERVIEWER
Kaleb...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Do you see that?
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
In the sand... is that... a phoenix?
KOZLOWSKI
Ha! You are hallucinating, Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
I don't think so...
KOZLOWSKI
We have been traveling for five days, and unlike Julius and Salvidius we do not have humps filled with nourishment. It is normal that you are seeing things.
INTERVIEWER
I really think it's a phoenix.
KOZLOWSKI
(IN ARABIC, HE GIVES HIS CAMEL, SALVIDIUS, AN ORDER TO STOP. CAMELS STOP)
You are right. It is a phoenix!
INTERVIEWER
You think it's a message from a client?
KOZLOWSKI
There is an arrow drawn in the sand too...
INTERVIEWER
Yes...
KOZLOWSKI
An arrow pointing...
INTERVIEWER
(MISERABLE) ...in the direction from which we just came...
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
We must turn around!
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Somebody needs us!
INTERVIEWER
Nono- But...
KOZLOWSKI
(IN ARABIC) Go Salvidius, go!
INTERVIEWER
But Jericho...
KOZLOWSKI
Can wait!
INTERVIEWER
(MISERABLE) But the bread and water and figs...
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS RIDING AWAY)
KOZLOWSKI
(OVER HIS SHOULDER) Will still be there when we return!
INTERVIEWER
But...
KOZLOWSKI
Somebody needs us Arthur! A story awaits!
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS) But I am so hungry and thirsty…
(SIGHS) Alright, come on Julius old boy.
(A CAMEL SNORE)
Here we go. Come on. Julius? Julius! Oh for goodness sake, are you sleeping? What's up with this camel!
KOZLOWSKI
(FROM A DISTANCE) Come on!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I’m trying, aren’t I!
(GRUMBLES) Why do you always get Salvidius? Why am I always stuck with Julius? Why don't we swap camels from time to time, huh? How about that, eh?!
(IN ARABIC) Go Julius, go!
(THE CAMEL WAKES AND THEY SET OFF)
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Paul Kraner. Episode 89 – Z. The year Zero.
EPISODE.
A LOT LATER. NIGHT.
KOZLOWSKI
(IN ARABIC, GIVES HIS CAMEL AN ORDER TO STOP)
INTERVIEWER
A cave. Do you think this is where our client is hiding?
KOZLOWSKI
If not, then at least it is a place where we can spend the night.
(KOZLOWSKI AND INTERVIEWER JUMP OFF THEIR CAMELS)
KOZLOWSKI
Ready?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Let's go in.
(INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ENTER THE CAVE. THEY SLOWLY ADVANCE THROUGH A DARK NARROW TUNNEL, UNTIL THEY EMERGE IN THE CAVE'S MAIN CHAMBER)
Z
STOP!
INTERVIEWER
Woah!
Z
Right now!
KOZLOWSKI
Hello?
Z
If you come one step further I will spear you with my sword.
INTERVIEWER
Um...
Z
Stop! Right now! One more step and -
INTERVIEWER
But... uh... you have no sword.
Z
What?
INTERVIEWER
There is no sword.
Z
Of course there is.
INTERVIEWER
No there isn't.
Z
Yes there is.
INTERVIEWER
Uh... alright. Prove it.
Z
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Go on. Poke me.
Z
You want me to poke you with my sword?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
Z
It's a very sharp sword.
INTERVIEWER
I'll take my chances.
BEAT.
See. You can't. Because it doesn't exist.
KOZLOWSKI
Now now, let us not fight. With imaginary swords or otherwise.
Z
I will -
KOZLOWSKI
Relax. We do not wish to hurt you.
Z
You don't?
KOZLOWSKI
No!
Z
Oh... oh! You are...?
KOZLOWSKI
The Brotherhood of the Phoenix.
Z
You found me! I will… I will put away my sword.
INTERVIEWER
(EXASPERATED) Kaleb, do you see a sword?
KOZLOWSKI
I do not.
INTERVIEWER
You have no sword.
Z
But I have faith.
INTERVIEWER
Faith?
Z
In Ares! He will protect me!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) You think Ares, God of War, is going to magically make a sword appear in your hand if I come any closer?
Z
Without faith nothing is possible. With it nothing is impossible. And I have faith.
BEAT.
I have faith in you! Helpers of Hades!
INTERVIEWER
Helpers of - ?
KOZLOWSKI
You think we have been sent from the underworld?
Z
You hide people in the underworld, do you not?
KOZLOWSKI
Well... in a manner of speaking.
Z
Like the ferryman Charon, you escort your clients from this world, to the next.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but like your sword, it isn't real. We can have you stoned, or torn apart by wild dogs. But you will not die. Not truly.
Z
Ah, but do we ever truly die?
INTERVIEWER
Kaleb, this man is insufferable.
KOZLOWSKI
(TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) Tell us why you need our help.
Z
I -
KOZLOWSKI
Although before you begin, we have been riding for over ten hours. Do you have any wine perhaps?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! I'm as thirsty as a sea sponge!
Z
Oh... I'm sorry...
KOZLOWSKI
No wine?
Z
No...
KOZLOWSKI
Very well. Just water.
Z
Oh, I am sorry...
INTERVIEWER
No water?
Z
No...
BEAT.
Do you know how to milk a cow?
INTERVIEWER
What?
Z
I think I heard a cow in the cave next door.
KOZLOWSKI
How can you live here without water?
Z
I don't live here. I arrived barely an hour ago. I too have been riding through the desert. Ten days without a drop of water or bite of bread.
INTERVIEWER
Ten days without water?
KOZLOWSKI
That is impossible.
Z
If you have faith, nothing is -
INTERVIEWER
(INTERRUPTING) Yeah yeah.
KOZLOWSKI
Well, let us sit and hear your tale. Who are you and why are you on the run?
(KOZLOWSKI AND Z SIT)
INTERVIEWER
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
KOZLOWSKI
What?
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Basalt.
KOZLOWSKI
What??
INTERVIEWER
(URGENT WHISPER) Basalt!
Z
What's he saying?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh! Of course. The floor consists of basalt.
Z
Basalt?
KOZLOWSKI
My friend never sits on basalt.
Z
Why?
INTERVIEWER
We are here for your story, not mine.
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe there is another type of rock we could sit on?
Z
I don't know about rocks... But there's some hay over in the corner...
KOZLOWSKI
Hay! Much more pleasing to the buttocks. Let us each grab a haystack and begin!
(THEY PULL OVER THE HAYSTACKS AND SIT DOWN)
INTERVIEWER
So, what's your name?
Z
Z.
KOZLOWSKI
Z?
INTERVIEWER
Is that short for something? Zane? Zaid? Zaiden? Zebadiah? Zephaniah? Zerubbabel?
Z
No.
BEAT.
Have you heard of the zodiakos kyklos?
INTERVIEWER
The what?
Z
The Zodiac.
INTERVIEWER
Your name is Zodiac?
Z
No.
KOZLOWSKI
The Zodiac... It is a system conceived by the Babylonians is it not? Yes! To study the starry skies?
Z
Yes... The sky, the stars... they hold all the answers.
KOZLOWSKI
All the answers? To what?
Z
Time. Weather. Wars. They allow us to predict harvests, heatwaves, dust storms, droughts, impending doom and imminent salvation. The will of the Gods is written in the stars.
KOZLOWSKI
So you are an astronomer?
Z
I started as an Augur.
KOZLOWSKI
I thought Augurs read the will of the Gods in the flight of birds, or in the entrails of sacrificed animals. Not in the stars.
Z
Look, I don't wish to disrespect the Augurs of old...
KOZLOWSKI
But?
Z
But in my opinion these techniques are very primitive.
KOZLOWSKI
The stars however, allowed you to give more accurate readings?
Z
Yes, yes, my readings were eagerly sought. Farmers consulted me about heat, hale, frost and hurricanes. And soon my reputation was such, that magistrates and consuls travelled far to see me.
INTERVIEWER
(DOUBTFUL INTERVIEWER-HUM)
Z (CON’T)
General Amulius requested a meeting before leading his men to the Iberian Peninsula. I told him there would be an earthquake in Baetica the following day. He delayed the invasion, saving hundreds of Roman lives.
KOZLOWSKI
Bravo.
Z
Augustus Caesar was very impressed.
INTERVIEWER
Augustus Caesar?!
KOZLOWSKI
I can imagine...
Z
He asked me to become his personal Augur.
INTERVIEWER
(DOUBTFUL) The Emperor? The Emperor asked for you?!
KOZLOWSKI
(IMPRESSED) What an honour!
Z
I declined.
KOZLOWSKI
You did what?
INTERVIEWER
(SARCASTICALLY) Of course you did.
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
INTERVIEWER
He's lying! Emperor Augustus never asked him to be his Augur!
Z
I didn't want to be an Augur. I asked Augustus to create a new position, just for me.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, this is ridiculous.
KOZLOWSKI
A position as what?
Z
Archpriest of the Zodiac.
(KOZLOWSKI GASPS, IMPRESSED)
INTERVIEWER
What does that even mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Did he agree?
Z
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Oh pull the other one!
Z
He even built an observatory for me on Palatine Hill. A tower from which I could gaze at the stars.
INTERVIEWER
Do you believe him Kaleb?
KOZLOWSKI
I have heard that Augustus Caeser places great value in the wisdom of the stars...
Z
Oh, he does. That is why all coins are embossed with Capricorn, the zodiac sign of his birth. He waited until Mars was in Aries before waging war on Germania, and signed the Pact of Misenum only when Jupiter was in Aquarius.
For every decision, he consults me about the compatibility of the stars.
INTERVIEWER
If that is so, then why are you here, hiding in the Judaean desert, fending off intruders with an invisible sword?
Z
(FEARFUL) Because I saw something terrible.
KOZLOWSKI
What?
Z
A tragedy was about to occur.
INTERVIEWER
Oh really? A drought? A flood? An invasion?
Z
Worse.
INTERVIEWER
A firestorm? Three days of darkness? A plague of locusts?
Z
Worse!
INTERVIEWER
A plague of locusts is no joke is it Kaleb? I can still hear them buzzing in my ears...
Z
I said!!! worse!
KOZLOWSKI
What was it? What did you see?
Z
At first, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. This could not be.
KOZLOWSKI
What? What could not be?
Z
Every time I looked it had grown … bigger.
KOZLOWSKI
Bigger?
Z
I was sick with terror.
KOZLOWSKI
What did you see?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Spit it out Z!
Z
A star. Moving straight towards us.
KOZLOWSKI
What?!
Z
It came closer every night. Eventually there would be a … collision!!
KOZLOWSKI
You were sure about this?
Z
Certain.
KOZLOWSKI
You told Augustus?
Z
I had to.
INTERVIEWER
I see where this is going! He didn't believe you! He thought you were crazy! Stripped you of your title, sent you into the wilderness. Well, I'm very sorry Z, but this is rather run of the mill. We only help clients who-
Z
Wrong.
INTERVIEWER
What?
Z
He took me very seriously.
INTERVIEWER
H-he did?
Z
Very seriously indeed.
KOZLOWSKI
He believed the star would hit Earth?
Z
Yes. He asked me how long we had left, and where the star would strike.
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) I am surrounded by idiots…
KOZLOWSKI
What did you tell him?
Z
That we had another twenty days. And that the star was on a direct collision course … with Rome.
INTERVIEWER
What did Augustus say to that?
Z
He wasted no time. He ordered all his legions back to Rome.
KOZLOWSKI
But that is where the star would hit!
Z
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
So why bring them back to Rome? I do not understand.
Z
He ordered his legions to bring with them every catapult in the empire.
INTERVIEWER
What?!
Z
He was going to shatter the approaching star.
KOZLOWSKI
A bold move!
Z
And a futile one.
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
Z
Fifty legions with five hundred catapults would do nothing to move the star from its course.
INTERVIEWER
At least he was putting up a fight!
Z
Yes, but a fight against the Gods? (SOFT MOO IN THE BACKGROUND) No, if this star hit us, not even the mightiest fortress or the deepest cave would offer safety. It would destroy everything.
INTERVIEWER
But it didn't, did it?
KOZLOWSKI
A star hitting Rome is something we would have heard about, even out here in the Judean desert.
Z
You are right. It did not happen.
KOZLOWSKI
But you were certain, were you not?
Z
The star changed its trajectory. I could not believe it. I ran down the tower to bring Augustus the wonderful news!
KOZLOWSKI
So that was it? It was a false alarm?
Z
As far as the collision was concerned, yes.
KOZLOWSKI
But...?
Z
But the star kept moving across the Zodiac in strange and unpredictable ways. And the more I observed, the more certain I became that this was no ordinary star.
It had appeared for a reason. This star would change everything.
So, I went back to Augustus. And he was… He was furious.
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
Z
I had made him pull legions out of Rhaetia, Pannonia, Noricum and Moesia, made him move weaponry across the empire, and for what?
INTERVIEWER
A costly exercise for sure.
Z
And worse than that, I had made him look a fool in front of his generals.
"And now", he said, "you have the audacity to confront me about this ‘star’ again?"
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear.
Z
"Get out of my sight!"
INTERVIEWER
So you left Rome?
Z
I misjudged the heat of Augustus's ire. Not only did I stay, I… I continued to bring him news.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no... Z…
Z
Yeah, yeah I know… Then, one night, I looked down and saw five soldiers entering the observatory tower. Only then did I realise how much Augustus had taken against me. I ran down several flights of stairs, then jumped out of a window! The Gods were merciful, and I landed with my bones intact. I untethered a soldier's horse, mounted, and galloped out of Rome. The soldiers would follow I was sure, but at least I had a head start. Dalmatia, Moesia, Anatolia, I have been riding ever since.
When I reached Judea, I went to a tavern and begged for a drink. The tavern keeper took pity on me. He gave me a goblet of water, then pressed a coin into my palm. It was not the coin of the empire embossed with the Capricorn. It was embossed with a bird, "The Brotherhood of the Phoenix" the tavern keeper said. "Two nomads who appear to those in need."
"Those in need of what?" I asked.
"Death." He said. "And a new beginning."
So, I drew your symbol in the sand. A futile gesture really, fleeting markings in the vast desert. And yet (CHUCKLES) my faith was rewarded.
KOZLOWSKI
The coins are from our time in Tibet. They were forged from sky iron. Tibetans make weapons from it. It has a power I cannot explain...
Z
Sky iron... I have heard of this substance.
KOZLOWSKI
The coins have a magnetic force, pulling us where we are needed.
Z
I don’t believe it was the coin that drew you here.
INTERVIEWER
No, it was the markings in the sand.
Z
No, it was … the star.
INTERVIEWER
Z, you have to forget about this star!
Z
Forget about it?!
INTERVIEWER
There is no star! It doesn't exist!
Z
Of course it does.
INTERVIEWER
No, it doesn't.
Z
Yes it does!
INTERVIEWER
No, it doesn't!
Z
Yes it does!!!!
INTERVIEWER
(EXASPERATED) Kaleb?
KOZLOWSKI
Z, might I suggest that this star exists only in the spiritual, not the physical realm?
Z
Come with me.
INTERVIEWER
Where are we going?
Z
Outside.
(Z LEADS INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI OUT OF THE CAVE)
INTERVIEWER
(DISGRUNTLED MUMBLING) Really, I can’t believe we’re doing this. Can’t we just hop back on the camels and leave?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, let us give him a chance…
Z
(CALLING FROM AHEAD FOR THEM)
INTERVIEWER
I want to be stuffing my face with figs right now, can we please just leave?
Z
(CALLING) Today, please!
INTERVIEWER
Live music in Jericho…
KOZLOWSKI
(ANNOYED) We are working! Do not forget!
INTERVIWER
Well, not yet, we haven’t agreed yet to take his case…
OUTSIDE THE CAVE.
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur...
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur...
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Look.
INTERVIEWER
Look where?
KOZLOWSKI
Up!
(INTERVIEWER LOOKS UP)
INTERVIEWER
Well shoot me like a comet.
Z
You see.
KOZLOWSKI
I have never seen such golden light.
INTERVIEWER
And it's so... so big...
Z
Yes. This is the biggest and brightest I have ever seen it. I think it is calling to me now…
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, what?
Z
I am no longer afraid... This star... it is not our downfall, it is... it is love!
INTERVIEWER
Love?
Z
Oh, star of wonder! Star of night!
INTERVIEWER
Right… Um... Kaleb?
KOZLOWSKI
I wonder why we did not see it before?
INTERVIEWER
We were too focused looking for clues in the sand.
Z
So often we fail to notice the miracles right before our eyes!
(A LOUD MOO. Z AND INTERVIEWER JUMP)
KOZLOWSKI
Do not worry. It is just the cow.
INTERVIEWER
Phew!
KOZLOWSKI
But we should go back inside. The Emperor has eyes everywhere.
INTERVIEWER
Hm, yes.
(INTERVIEWER, KOZLOWSKI AND Z GO BACK INSIDE THE CAVE AND SETTLE DOWN ON THE STRAW)
KOZLOWSKI
Z. You have told us a wonderful story. And shown us a wondrous sight. We will help you.
INTERVIEWER
We will?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
(STRANGE SOUNDS FROM NEXT DOOR)
What is that…?
KOZLOWSKI
We can fake your death. The question is where can we relocate you? It must be somewhere far from the Emperor's beady eye. But the tendrils of the Empire spread further every day...
INTERVIEWER
I may have an idea...
KOZLOWSKI
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! The little village in Armorica...
KOZLOWSKI
Ah yes, one small village of indomitable Gauls that still holds out against the invaders! But the Gauls are proud.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
Do you think they would welcome a newcomer?
INTERVIEWER
If it wasn't for your elixir they would be under Roman rule!
KOZLOWSKI
You are right, they do owe us a favour...
(THE CRYING FROM NEXT DOOR INTENSIFIES)
KOZLOWSKI
Is that a baby?
INTERVIEWER
It's very annoying.
Z
I am not going to Armorica.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, well, how about Macedonia? Not as discreet, but we do have an opening as an olive farmer outside Philippi.
Z
Not Armorica, not Macedonia.
INTERVIEWER
(POINTEDLY) Well, do you have somewhere else in mind?
Z
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
Really? Somewhere the Emperor will not find you?
Z
Oh yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hrm. I doubt it.
Z
I must continue to follow the star.
INTERVIEWER
What?
Z
I have followed the star this far, I cannot give up now. It is my destiny.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you wanted to relocate?
(THE BABY WAILS)
(SHOUTS THROUGH THE WALL) Can you please keep it down! (KNOCKS ON WALL)
Z
I think the star has led me here for a reason.
INTERVIEWER
And what is that?
Z
It has never been so big and close to earth before.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. So you said.
Z
This is my one chance!
KOZLOWSKI
Z? Chance for what?
Z
To get to the star!
(PAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
…?
INTERVIEWER
You want to travel to the star?
Z
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And you want us to help you get there?
Z
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
That is impossible.
Z
Without faith nothing is possible. With it nothing is impossible.
KOZLOWSKI
Hmm... "For The Brotherhood of The Phoenix nothing is impossible."
Arthur, that could be our motto...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but it is impossible!
KOZLOWSKI
I am wondering Arthur...
Z
You have an idea?
KOZLOWSKI
It is a long shot, but...
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
You talked about catapults...
Z
You have a catapult?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
Z
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
We are Nomads.
Z
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
We do not have catapults.
Z
No.
KOZLOWSKI
Far too bulky.
Z
Of course.
KOZLOWSKI
But we do have plans for a catapult.
Z
Oh?
KOZLOWSKI (CON’)
And not just any catapult.
BEAT.
A Xuànfēngpào!
Z
A what?
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) The Xuànfēngpào! You think we can reconstruct it?
Z
What is a (MISPRONOUNCES)
INTERVIEWER
I’m not sure, but the Xuànfēngpào, now that is quite something!
KOZLOWSKI
It is only the most powerful catapult in existence. We witnessed it in action during our travels through China and Qin Shi Huang gifted us the construction manual.
Z
And this catapult is powerful enough to shoot me to the star?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot promise that.
Z
But you can build it?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot promise that either.
INTERVIEWER
Assuming it works and you really do land on the star, what will you do? I mean, what do you expect to find there?
Z
I do not know. But the star is trying to show me something. I must find out what!
KOZLOWSKI
I must emphasise: I cannot promise that you will reach your desired destination.
INTERVIEWER
No, in fact, I would say it is rather unlikely...
KOZLOWSKI
You really want to put your life in our hands?
Z
Oh, not your hands. The hands of the Gods.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
KOZLOWSKI
One final time. You are absolutely sure?
Z
I have faith.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Very well.
INTERVIEWER
In that case we will toast to your safe arrival!
KOZLOWSKI
Only we do not have anything to drink.
INTERVIEWER
Kaleb, you know how to milk a cow don't you?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course! I shall return with three goblets of frothy milk!
INTERVIEWER
Lovely…
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS HEADING OUT)
(CALLING AFTER HIM) And while you're at it, tell them to keep the noise down. It's giving me a headache!
KOZLOWSKI
(CALLS BACK) I will!
Kozlowski leaves.
INTERVIEWER
Now, how do we build a catapult?
MUSIC
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, and Dave Moskin as Z.
It was written and edited by Philip Thorne, with direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
The episode was recorded at RedP studio in Vienna, with engineering by Arpad Hadnagy and Oliver Illes.
We will be going on a short hiatus and be back in the summer with stories from 456 to 800 BC. This show is made by a small team, every episode takes several months to make, and we try and make each one as good as we possibly can. If you enjoy our stories and would like to support our work, we would be really grateful. You can do so by becoming a patron at ameliapodcast.com, and in return you’ll be able to listen ad-free and gain access to our back catalogue of bonus content.
Without our patrons this show would disappear and reappear as a Marriage Counselling book with really _interesting_ examples.
Thank you to all our patrons and a shoutout to our super patrons. At the time of recording that’s: Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Tucker Eckweiler (until end of April), Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Mez. Thank you to each and every one of you.
More info on the show, how to become a patron and live show tickets at ameliapodcast.com. And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
(KOZLOWSKI RETURNS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Kaleb! You took your time- Hey, where's the milk?
KOZLOWSKI
The milk…
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you went to get milk. Where is the milk? I see no milk.
KOZLOWSKI
I forgot.
INTERVIEWER
What? You forgot?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes…
INTERVIEWER
Well. Just dying of thirst here but alright… Well, did you at least have a word with them about the noise?
KOZLOWSKI
The noise…?
INTERVIEWER
The racket from the baby, the noise?!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! No. I did not.
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful. Then what exactly were you doing?
KOZLOWSKI
The baby... It was lying in the straw...and the cattle were gathered around bowing their heads...
INTERVIEWER
Right…
KOZLOWSKI
It was... strange...
INTERVIEWER
Strange? A family of paupers living among the livestock. What's so strange about that?
KOZLOWSKI
You know… Our camels were there too.
INTERVIEWER
Julius and Salvidius? (EXASTERATED HUFF) Maybe that's why the baby was crying, Salvidius can look rather threatening...
KOZLOWSKI
And shepherds! There were shepherds. I think they had come just to see the baby. They were speaking in hushed tones, kneeling, and giving it gifts.
INTERVIEWER
That is strange. Why would they do that?
KOZLOWSKI
The mother and father smiled at me. It was such a gentle smile... Then the mother ushered me towards the manger. I think she expected me to kneel too.
INTERVIEWER
(SARCASTIC CHUCKLE)
KOZLOWSKI
So I did.
INTERVIEWER
You what?!
KOZLOWSKI
I knelt.
INTERVIEWER
You knelt for a baby?!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
For a snivelling little baby? Kaleb! Where is your self-respect!
KOZLOWSKI
Then I realised I did not have a gift...
INTERVIEWER
Please tell me you're pulling my leg!
KOZLOWSKI
I found one of our coins in my gown, luckily, so -
INTERVIEWER
No, nonono… One of our Tibetan coins?
KOZLOWSKI
Well! I had nothing else!
INTERVIEWER
Alright, alright, so let me just get this straight. You didn't get the milk. You didn't stop the racket. But you did give away one of our last Tibetan coins, a coin that is meant to attract clients?!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(SOUND OF EXASPERATION)
Alright, alright, alright, I'm going over there.
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, you will see... There is something special about that child...
INTERVIEWER
Oh please. I’m not going to be impressed by a baby!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, there is something I forgot to tell you.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, please what.
KOZLOWSKI
I talked to the father.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
He is a carpenter.
INTERVIEWER
Alright.
KOZLOWSKI
So he is going to help us.
INTERVIEWER
Right, with what?
KOZLOWSKI
The catapult. He is going to help us build the catapult.
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
END.