EPISODE 91 – JOSEPH AND HIS DREAMS
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Tiffany Duffy who will tragically collapse while attempting to blow a balloon and will reappear as a playground designer in Sweden. Thanks Tiffany, and thanks to all our patrons who allow us to keep this death faking agency alive. Enjoy the show.
FIELD IN SCOTLAND. CAMPFIRE CRACKLING.
KOZLOWSKI
The tea is almost finished and we are entering the final stretch. Soon I will tell you the stories about how it all began...
But before that, I want to take you to Canaan, where we met a striking young man with a coat of many colours and a head full of dreams... I am sure you can guess to whom I am referring?
BEAT.
No?
BEAT.
Ah, of course, you are not religious Mia... But you Jackie? Do you know who I am talking about?
BEAT
Jackie?
NO RESPONSE
Mia?
NO RESPONSE
Jackie, Mia?
MIA
(MUMBLES IN HER SLEEP)
JACKIE
(A LIGHT SNORE)
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES)
CUT TO COLE AND HAINES.
HAINES
They've fallen asleep! Mia and Jackie have fallen asleep!
COLE
Sleeping on the job! So unprofessional!
HAINES
Ready?
COLE
What?
HAINES
You've got your gun?
COLE
Of course. Why?
HAINES
The surgeon's going to escape!
COLE
Of course, yeah, yeah.
HAINES
And we're going to follow!
COLE
Yeah... I wonder where he'll go...
HAINES
I bet he'll take us to the others.
COLE
Yes!
HAINES
And once we've got them all in one place, we alert Northcott...
COLE
She'll be forced to give us promotions!
COLE/HAINES
(SELF SATISFIED CHUCKLES)
Beat
HAINES
Why isn't he going?
COLE
He's just sitting there.
HAINES
Go go go! This is your chance!
COLE
What an idiot.
HAINES
Maybe he's biding his time... Waiting until he's sure they're fast asleep...
COLE
Yeah, maybe.
Beat
Pity we didn't get to hear the next story.
HAINES
We've heard dozens. What difference does one more make?
COLE
I was kind of interested in that one.
HAINES
Which one?
COLE
The one he was about to tell.
HAINES
How do you know which one he was about to tell if he didn't tell it?
COLE
Don't be dim Haines!
HAINES
What?
COLE
You do know who he was hinting at right?
HAINES
Someone from the bible?
COLE
Honestly Haines! It's a really famous story!
HAINES
You're religious?
COLE
Not particularly.
HAINES
Then what's the big deal?
COLE
It...
HAINES
Yes?
COLE
It was my first big role.
HAINES
Role?
COLE
Yes.
HAINES
What the fuck are you talking about mate?
COLE
At school, every year we put on a play.
HAINES
At police school?!
COLE
At primary school.
HAINES
Right...
COLE
First we did Noah's Ark and I played a hippo. Then we did The Seven Days of Creation and I played a dandelion...
HAINES
Cole, I really don't give a -
COLE
But then we did Joseph, and -
HAINES
That's the fellow! Joseph! The bloke with the dreams!
COLE
Yes! And that was me!
HAINES
(UNIMPRESSED) Great.
COLE
Mum was so proud! She bought heaps of fabric and made a massive gown. Spent a fortune on it!
HAINES
I'm sure you looked splendid.
COLE
(PROUDLY) I did!
HAINES
I'm surprised you never considered a career in showbiz.
COLE
It's funny you say that, because Father Bruce -
HAINES
(EMPHATICALLY) Oh no!
COLE
What?
HAINES
The surgeon, look!
COLE
Did he - ? Relax Haines, he's still there!
HAINES
Yeah, but look!
COLE
What?
HAINES
(HIS HEAD'S SLUMPED ON JACKIE'S SHOULDER)
COLE
You sure? It's pretty dark.
HAINES
Listen!
(IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR KOZLOWSKI SNORE)
COLE
He's fallen asleep?!
HAINES
He's sleeping! He's sleeping! Can you believe it?
COLE
What a shit criminal!
HAINES
Are we the only professionals here? Why didn't he run away?
COLE
Beats me.
HAINES
Moron!
(HAINES YAWNS)
COLE
So anyway, as I was saying, Father Bruce -
HAINES
Father Bruce? What are you blabbering about Cole?
COLE
He was the local vicar. He came to see the play and -
HAINES
You're still talking about your Kindergarten play?
COLE
Primary School!
HAINES
(GRUNTS)
COLE
He said I had real potential. He invited us to perform at church the next Sunday and Mr Boardman was so chuffed! Mr Boardman, that was our headmaster, had written the play himself you see. Lots of lines to learn... Anyway, the next Sunday our whole class went to the church, and mum was sitting in the front pew and -
HAINES
(SNORES)
COLE
Haines?
HAINES
(SNORES)
COLE
Haines?
(COLE SHAKES HAINES)
Haines? Haines?!
Unbelievable! Unbe-fucking-lievable! Unbe-fucking fuckity fuck fuck-lievable! Unbe-fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck-lievable! Unbe-fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck (YAWNS) -lievable. Unbe- (BIG YAWN. FALLS ASLEEP)
THEME TUNE
INTRO
"joseph and his dreams (700 BC)"
A DESERT PLANE IN CANAAN.
(ARTHUR AND KOZLOWSKI (KOHATH) SITTING OUTSIDE THEIR TENT)
KOZLOWSKI
There. On the horizon. What is that?
ARTHUR
A peacock? A peacock with the most extraordinary plumage!
KOZLOWSKI
I do not think so. It is too big.
ARTHUR
A flamingo?
KOZLOWSKI
I do not think so. It has too many colours.
ARTHUR
A... multicoloured... ostrich?
KOZLOWSKI
Maybe it is a Cockatrice? I have always wanted to see a Cockatrice!
ARTHUR
Kohath?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
ARTHUR
I don't think it's an animal... I think... it's a man!
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed it is!
ARTHUR
He's coming straight towards us. He seems in a hurry.
KOZLOWSKI
Look how his coat flaps in the wind!
ARTHUR
It is an extraordinary coat.
KOZLOWSKI
It is the most eye-catching garment I have ever seen!
ARTHUR
So many colours! Sunset and silver and plum and brown and white and ash and ochre and peach and poppy and rose...
ARTHUR
Kohath, do you think this might be a client?
KOZLOWSKI
With clothes like that he must have money. And if he has money, he has enemies... Yes! He may need our services!
ARTHUR
Who do you think he is? A king from a foreign land?
KOZLOWSKI
We shall soon find out.
(PAUSE.)
ARTHUR
Should we walk towards him?
KOZLOWSKI
No. Let him come to us.
(PAUSE.)
ARTHUR
It's a long way. Do you think he'll make it?
KOZLOWSKI
If he is serious, then yes. If he is not, then let him walk back.
(PAUSE.)
ARTHUR
Should we take bets?
KOZLOWSKI
I bet he turns around.
ARTHUR
I bet he collapses.
(PAUSE.)
He's still going.
(PAUSE.)
He must be very hot in that coat.
(PAUSE.)
You're sure we shouldn't walk towards him just a little?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, you need to rest! Your limbs need time to heal.
ARTHUR
I feel fine.
KOZLOWSKI
I almost lost you Arthur!
ARTHUR
It won't happen again. We will never do another death by collapsing temple.
KOZLOWSKI
That was a terrible idea.
ARTHUR
It was a stroke of genius!
KOZLOWSKI
It almost cost you your life!
ARTHUR
But it didn't, did it?
KOZLOWSKI
You cannot count on me always being there.
PAUSE
You took it this morning as instructed?
ARTHUR
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Patience!
ARTHUR
Yes yes. It's so salty. Yuck.
KOZLOWSKI
You are still complaining about the taste?
ARTHUR
Can't you do something to make it taste better? Mix it with wine or something?
KOZLOWSKI
Look, he is almost here.
WE HEAR JOSEPH APPROACHING, PANTING LOUDLY.
ARTHUR
Impressive! He made good time!
KOZLOWSKI
A king would not have the stamina. This must be a man used to physical activity, used to the outdoors...
ARTHUR
The coat is even more impressive from up close! Flamingo and blue and russet and grey and purple and azure and orange and lemon and -
Joseph has reached them.
JOSEPH
(PANTING) Good day gentlemen.
(JOSEPH COLLAPSES)
ARTHUR
I won the bet!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh dear.
ARTHUR
Do you think he's alright? I told you we should have met him halfway.
KOZLOWSKI
Let us bring him inside the buryuut hajar and give him a glass of wine.
ARTHUR
By wine do you mean...?
KOZLOWSKI
I just mean wine! He has merely fainted.
(ARTHUR AND KOZLOWSKI DRAG JOSEPH INSIDE THEIR TENT)
(KOZLOWSKI POURS A GLASS OF WINE, ARTHUR KEEPS COUNTING THE COLOURS)
ARTHUR
Ruby and olive and snow and fawn and lilac and gold and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and -
Kozlowski puts the glass of wine to joseph's lips and makes him drink. he wakes with a start.
JOSEPH
(SPLUTTERS) Where am I? What is this place?
ARTHUR
It is our tent. And we are -
JOSEPH
You are the brothers?
KOZLOWSKI
We are The Brotherhood.
JOSEPH
I left my flocks to see you!
ARTHUR
You are a shepherd?
KOZLOWSKI
If you do not mind me saying, your attire is rather unusual for a shepherd.
JOSEPH
Yes. Very impractical.
KOZLOWSKI
You do not like your coat?
JOSEPH
I feel so... self-conscious.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, it is hardly discreet.
ARTHUR
It is dashing! You cut quite the figure!
KOZLOWSKI
If you do not like it, then why wear it?
JOSEPH
Mum would be very offended if I didn't.
KOZLOWSKI
It is a gift from your mother?
JOSEPH
She made it herself. Used the most expensive fabrics. Spent a fortune on it!
KOZLOWSKI
She must love you very much.
JOSEPH
Too much...
KOZLOWSKI
It is natural for a mother to spoil her children.
JOSEPH
No, just me.
ARTHUR
Sorry?
JOSEPH
She only spoils me. My siblings have holes in their tunics and share one pair of sandals between them.
ARTHUR
How many siblings do you have?
JOSEPH
Eleven.
KOZLOWSKI
And why does your mother treat you so differently from the rest?
JOSEPH
(SHRUGS) I'm her favourite child.
ARTHUR
Your siblings must be very jealous.
JOSEPH
That's putting it mildly... It was bad enough when it was just the dreams, but now this coat? It's really sent them over the edge!
KOZLOWSKI
Dreams?
JOSEPH
What?
KOZLOWSKI
You said "it was bad enough when it was just the dreams."
JOSEPH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
What do you mean?
JOSEPH
Oh, I have these really weird dreams. Sorry, I thought you knew.
ARTHUR
How could we?
KOZLOWSKI
What kind of weird dreams?
JOSEPH
Like this one for example.
ARTHUR
Which one?
JOSEPH
This one.
ARTHUR
You mean...
KOZLOWSKI
This encounter we are having right now?
JOSEPH
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
We are in your dream?
JOSEPH
Yes.
ARTHUR
You're dreaming about Kohath and I?
JOSEPH
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
I think you are wrong. I think I am the one who is dreaming.
JOSEPH
Excuse me?
KOZLOWSKI
You are in my dream.
JOSEPH
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes... it makes sense... you see, I was about to tell Mia and Jackie your story, but they fell asleep. (CHUCKLES) I must have fallen asleep too! And now... well, I am dreaming... dreaming about you...
JOSEPH
Oh that is ridiculous!
ARTHUR
No no no!
JOSEPH
Who are Mia and Jackie?
ARTHUR
You've got this all wrong! I was about to tell Alvina the story!
JOSEPH
Alvina?!
ARTHUR
Then I fell asleep.
KOZLOWSKI
Alvina...
ARTHUR
It is clearly my dream!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
ARTHUR
Kozlowski?
JOSEPH
I thought his name was Kohath?
ARTHUR
Kozlowski! We meet again!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur! You are telling this story to Alvina?
ARTHUR
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Right now?
ARTHUR
Yes!
JOSEPH
I'm confused.
KOZLOWSKI
Where are you are you Arthur? Tell me where you are!
JOSEPH
It's called Joseph and his Dreams. Joseph! I am the dreamer! Me! It's not difficult. It's in the title.
(COLE AND HAINES LISTEN IN)
HAINES
(WHISPERS) Cole! Cole!
COLE
(WHISPERS) What?
HAINES
I'm eavesdropping on their dreams!
COLE
I can hear them too!
HAINES
We have access to their subconscious! This will be very interesting! Who knows what we will find there...
COLE
Except it's not real is it?
HAINES
What do you mean?
COLE
It's not real. We're dreaming.
HAINES
We're dreaming?
COLE
Well yeah.
HAINES
Who's dreaming who?
COLE
What do you mean?
HAINES
Are you dreaming me, or am I dreaming you?
COLE
I'm dreaming you.
HAINES
Nah. I think I'm dreaming you.
COLE
No mate, I'm definitely dreaming you.
HAINES
Shh! Listen!
(SILENCE)
COLE
What?
(SILENCE)
HAINES
Can you hear that?
(SILENCE)
COLE
No?
(SILENCE)
HAINES
It's someone else! Someone else, somewhere else!
(SILENCE)
COLE
HAINES
Who?
HAINES
I don't know but I can hear them breathing...
SILENCE.
I think they just moved.
COLE
You're imagining it.
HAINES
No no, I think someone is listening to us... Yes... someone is eavesdropping...
COLE
Don't be silly! We're eavesdropping on the surgeon...
HAINES
Yes... And I think someone else is eavesdropping on us... Eavesdropping on us eavesdropping on the surgeon... Someone is listening to this conversation right now, I'm sure of it! Shit.
COLE
What?
HAINES
I think they've realised.
COLE
Realised?
HAINES
That we're on to them.
(CLOSE TO THE MIC) Stop listening to us! Stop it!
(BACK INSIDE THE TENT)
KOZLOWSKI
How are you Arthur?
ARTHUR
I am not well.
KOZLOWSKI
You have been taking it as instructed?
ARTHUR
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Patience!
ARTHUR
I have no more patience.
JOSEPH
Me neither! I have lost my patience with you two! Can we please get back to my -
ARTHUR
I do not have long. I need you Kozlowski.
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur! I will come to you! Tell me where you are! Now!
JOSEPH
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
ARTHUR
I am -
JOSEPH
Can you please tend to your personal business later?
ARTHUR
Sorry.
JOSEPH
This is about my case.
KOZLOWSKI
Sorry. Where were we again?
JOSEPH
I was telling you that I have strange dreams.
ARTHUR
What kind of strange dreams?
JOSEPH
Like this one for example.
ARTHUR
Which one?
JOSEPH
This one.
ARTHUR
You mean...
KOZLOWSKI
No no no, we are about to go around in circles. Tell us about another dream.
JOSEPH
Very well. Just last week I had a dream that was so vivid...
KOZLOWSKI
Describe it to us.
JOSEPH
My siblings and I were out in the fields, binding sheaves of grain, when suddenly -
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
JOSEPH
I've forgotten...
MR BOARDMAN
(WHISPERS) When suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while the other sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.
COLE AS A BOY
(RECITES) When suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while the other sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.
MR BOARDMAN
Very good Cole.
COLE AS A BOY
Thank you Mr Boardman.
HAINES
(MOCKING) You forgot your lines!
COLE
Shut up!
JOSEPH
Then my sheaf started singing and dancing and the other sheaves applauded wildly.
KOZLOWSKI
A singing and dancing sheaf? A very curious dream indeed...
ARTHUR
What do you think it means?
JOSEPH
Isn't it obvious?
ARTHUR
Not really, no.
JOSEPH
They will make a musical about me!
KOZLOWSKI
A musical?
JOSEPH
It will be a big success!
KOZLOWSKI
A musical about Joseph and his multicoloured coat?
JOSEPH
(SIGHS) I suppose the coat will feature.
ARTHUR
(EXCITED) And so will we!
JOSEPH
(WORRIED) No, no!
ARTHUR
No? But aren't we a part of your story? Your dream?
JOSEPH
Yes, but this encounter must remain secret!
KOZLOWSKI
We are well versed in secrecy. Tell us why you need our services.
JOSEPH
Their jealousy has reached a boiling point!
ARTHUR
Your siblings.
JOSEPH
My sisters, yes.
(CUT TO COLE AND HAINES)
COLE
Sisters? That's not right. Brothers!
HAINES
No, he said sisters.
COLE
It was brothers! Joseph had eleven brothers! They couldn't stand hearing about Joseph's dreams and were fed up of their father always favouring him.
HAINES
You mean mother.
COLE
No father... Oh that's also wrong! Yeah, he's getting the whole story really muddled.
HAINES
It's his story, he should know, don't you think?
COLE
He's not real, he's just some weird dream. In the bible it's the Father who gives Joseph the coat, and for the brothers, well, that's the last straw! They take Joseph deep into the desert, abandon him there, then pretend he's dead - Oh... oh!
HAINES
It wasn't the brothers... It was The Brotherhood!
COLE
Of course! The Brotherhood of the –
(CUT BACK TO TENT)
JOSEPH
The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat!
ARTHUR
What?
KOZLOWSKI
What?
HAINES
What?
COLE
What?!
JOSEPH
My sisters hired The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat!
ARTHUR
(WITH DISGUST) You mean The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat!
JOSEPH
I'm pretty sure it was Immortal Mole -
ARTHUR
Naked Mole Rat!
JOSEPH
You know them?
ARTHUR
The most incompetent death faking agency this side of the river Jordan!
JOSEPH
Well, my sisters paid them to abduct me and fake my death! I overheard everything. They are coming for me in the next hour! The next hour! Help!
KOZLOWSKI
Why did your sisters hire these charlatans?
JOSEPH
Because Mum smothers me with gifts, while they have nothing. I drink wine while they share a single grape between them. Do you know how difficult it is to cut one grape into eleven pieces?
ARTHUR
I understand why they want to get rid of you. But why hire a fifth rate death faking agency, when they could hire an assassin? There are perfectly decent assassins in Canaan.
JOSEPH
They don't want to get blood on their hands.
ARTHUR
Just fake blood.
JOSEPH
Yes.
ARTHUR
Hmm. Why are you visiting us, and not your sisters? If they had consulted us, rather than -
KOZLOWSKI
(WITH DISGUST) The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat.
ARTHUR
- We would have planned an extremely convincing death for you! No hope of return! Tell your sisters, the next time they wish to dispose of a sibling -
JOSEPH
STOP! I want you to help me, not my sisters!
KOZLOWSKI
But your fake death has already been planned.
JOSEPH
And I want you to undo it!
KOZLOWSKI
Undo your fake death?
JOSEPH
Yes!
ARTHUR
But we are Death Fakers!
JOSEPH
I don't want to die!
ARTHUR
You won't. It's fake.
JOSEPH
Do you know what they've got planned for me? It's grim!
ARTHUR
Well what do you expect when you hire The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat?
JOSEPH
I didn't! It was my sisters! Please save me!
ARTHUR
Not our line of business. Go to a Samaritan. There are perfectly decent Samaritans in Canaan.
JOSEPH
Alright alright, here's another idea: you fake my death before The Brotherhood of the Immortal - I mean Naked - Mole Rat have a chance to fake my death.
ARTHUR
I do like the sound of that...
KOZLOWSKI
They are coming for you in one hour you say?
JOSEPH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Hmmm. I think they are early.
JOSEPH
Excuse me?
KOZLOWSKI
You see that dust cloud on the horizon?
JOSEPH
Oh...
BEAT.
It could just be an animal?
KOZLOWSKI
No. It is a man. Walking barefoot on burning sand. I only know one man who would be so stupid. It is Matthias.
JOSEPH
Matthias?
ARTHUR
The Mole Rat!
KOZLOWSKI
Look at him hop from foot to foot!
ARTHUR
Ouch. His feet must be covered in blisters!
KOZLOWSKI
It will take him some time to get here. Not enough time however, for us to fake your death.
JOSEPH
Then what do you propose?
ARTHUR
We don't have enough time to fake your death, but we can...
JOSEPH
Yes?
ARTHUR
Offer you a drink!
JOSEPH
A drink?
ARTHUR
Yes.
JOSEPH
What good is that?
ARTHUR
I doubt The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat offer their clients a drink before sending them into their new lives and I will not tolerate that!
JOSEPH
New life?
ARTHUR
New beginnings must always be toasted!
JOSEPH
New beginning?
ARTHUR
We'll raise a glass together, but then we must bid you farewell.
JOSEPH
Wait wait wait, what's all this about new lives and new beginnings? They didn't say anything about a new life...
ARTHUR
They didn't?
KOZLOWSKI
So what do they intend to do exactly?
JOSEPH
They'll throw me in a well, take my coat, dip it in goat's blood, go home, and tell Mum I've been torn apart by wild animals.
ARTHUR
Typical Mole Rat banality. Where's the pizazz?
KOZLOWSKI
And after they throw you into the well, they just leave you there?
JOSEPH
I suppose.
KOZLOWSKI
But you will starve!
ARTHUR
Unless you get attacked by snakes first.
JOSEPH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
They really did not plan an escape route and a new identity?
JOSEPH
That was an option, but it cost extra.
KOZLOWSKI
What good is a fake death without a new identity?
JOSEPH
My sisters only wanted to pay for the death faking part.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes but this fake death will very quickly turn into a real death!
JOSEPH
I know! That's why you have to help me!
ARTHUR
I always say: skimping on a fake death is false economy.
ALVINA
You have to help him Arthur!
ARTHUR
Alvina?
ALVINA
Please tell me you didn't just let The Incognito Project throw that poor guy -
ARTHUR
Not The Incognito Project, The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat!
ALVINA
Yeah, I still can't believe that's what they were called back then -
JOSEPH
Back when? What's going on? Who are you? I don't know you! Get out of my dream!
ALVINA
I'm trying to help you!
JOSEPH
Oh... Then thank you I suppose... random stranger...
ALVINA
Arthur! Please don't tell me you're going to let The Incognito Project throw him in a well!
ARTHUR
Well...
ALVINA
(STRICT) Arthur!
ARTHUR
You're right.
ALVINA
Phew.
ARTHUR
Kohath, we must help him.
KOZLOWSKI
I have an idea.
JOSEPH
What's that?
KOZLOWSKI
We will follow you, disguised as Ishmaelites.
ARTHUR
Ishmaelites?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
ARTHUR
Can't we be Midianites?
KOZLOWSKI
Why Midianites?
ARTHUR
Better turbans.
JOSEPH
I don't care whether you're Ishmaelites or Midianites; how are you going to get me out of the well?
KOZLOWSKI
Before Matthias throws you into the well, we will convince him to sell you to us!
JOSEPH
But my sisters have already paid him to fake my death!
ARTHUR
Pah! Matthias is greedy. If he's given the opportunity to cash in on you twice, he'll take it. We'll buy you from him, then, once you're safely installed on the back of our camel, we tear off our turbans and reveal who we really are!
KOZLOWSKI
Will that not aggravate him?
ARTHUR
That's the point!
KOZLOWSKI
Hmm... If we humiliate him I fear he will seek retaliation...
ARTHUR
Bring it on!
JOSEPH
What next?
ARTHUR
Next?
JOSEPH
Once you've saved me from the Mole Rat.
ARTHUR
We'll bring you home of course! A happy reunion with your -
JOSEPH
With my sisters who tried to kill me?!
ARTHUR
Well at least your Mum will be glad to see you?
JOSEPH
She's part of the problem! Giving me these ludicrous gifts and treating me like I'm the chosen one...
KOZLOWSKI
Well, if your dreams are right you are destined for great things... Why else would they make a musical about you?
JOSEPH
My sisters are sick of hearing that.
ARTHUR
So if you don't want to go home, what do you suggest?
JOSEPH
This new beginning you talked about... I quite liked the sound of that...
KOZLOWSKI
You want us to give you a new identity?
JOSEPH
Yes!
KOZLOWSKI
Who would you like to be?
JOSEPH
Well... You're right, my dreams say I'm special... But when you work as a sheep farmer and have eleven siblings, being special is a curse! You don't want to be special, you want to fit in!
So I want to come back in a profession where being special doesn't attract threats and mockery, but is rewarded!
KOZLOWSKI
And do you have an idea for such a profession?
JOSEPH
Well at first I thought I could be King of Tyre.
ARTHUR
King of - ?
JOSEPH
If I ruled over Canaan, I could use my special gifts for the good of the country.
ARTHUR
Uh...
JOSEPH
But then I thought, that is ridiculous!
ARTHUR/KOZLOWSKI
(RELIEVED LAUGH)
JOSEPH
I would hardly be free of threats and jealousy. The Philistines, Babylonians and Assyrians would all want to displace me. No, the King of Tyre does not have nearly enough power.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh.
JOSEPH
So then I thought, what is the mightiest nation? Where could I unleash my full potential without petty rivals getting in the way?
ARTHUR
(NERVOUS) And what's the answer to that?
JOSEPH
Egypt!
KOZLOWSKI
You want to be ruler of Egypt?
JOSEPH
Think of the good I could do with such a powerful nation behind me!
ARTHUR
Yes, there is just one slight problem...
JOSEPH
What's that?
ARTHUR
Getting rid of Pharaoh!?
JOSEPH
Oh yes. Of course. That spot is currently taken.
ARTHUR
Indeed.
BEAT.
JOSEPH
But I could be his number two?
ARTHUR
I... I think you're going to have to be a tad more modest in your ambitions... We could bring you back as a hippo?
JOSEPH
A hippo?
ARTHUR
A hippopotamus, yes.
JOSEPH
I don't want to be a hippo!
ARTHUR
A dandelion then?
KOZLOWSKI
It is not impossible...
JOSEPH
Bringing me back as hippo?
KOZLOWSKI
Who said anything about a hippo?
JOSEPH
He did!
ARTHUR
No I didn't!
KOZLOWSKI
What I was about to say is that Pharaoh is a great believer in the power of dreams... You could be his dream interpreter...
ARTHUR
He's a divine ruler, we're a duo of nomadic death fakers.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
ARTHUR
How do we get word to him? It's not like we frequent the same parties...
KOZLOWSKI
Hmm... Do you remember King Karan's food taster.
ARTHUR
Of course! The poor man suffered from daily stomach cramps. We faked his death and brought him back as Potiphar's butler. Much safer job. Or, it would have been if he hadn't got caught fooling around with Potiphar's wife... Potiphar put him on the slave market, and... Oh! He was bought by Pharaoh wasn't he?
KOZLOWSKI
He was bought by Pharaoh as a kitchen slave, but thanks to his fine palate, he quickly rose through the ranks and today he is Pharaoh's head baker!
JOSEPH
Good for him, but how does this help me? Surely the baker doesn't have Pharaoh's ear?
KOZLOWSKI
Do you know how many kings are poisoned by their kitchen staff? A ruler must trust their baker!
JOSEPH
So... what... The baker tells Pharaoh about me and my dreams, and you think he will listen? You think he will request to see me?
KOZLOWSKI
I think it is worth a try!
But after that we are no longer responsible. If Pharaoh does request to see you, it is up to you to impress him.
ARTHUR
Hmm... It's risky. You may well end up in prison as most of his advisors do.
JOSEPH
I am very confident that I will impress him. More than that, I will become indispensable to him!
ARTHUR
How can you be so sure?
JOSEPH
I had a dream...
COLE AS A BOY
I saw the sun and moon and eleven stars bowing down to me. The moon was my father, the stars were my brothers -
KOZLOWSKI
You mean sisters?
COLE AS A BOY
And the sun... was Pharaoh!
MR BOARDMAN
Very good Cole! Are you ready for the big day?
COLE AS A BOY
I won't let you down Mr Boardman!
ARTHUR
I'm sure you won't. We will put our faith in your dreams and defer payment until you become Pharaoh's number two!
JOSEPH
Thank you!
KOZLOWSKI
And once you do, you will send a chariot of gold to take us to Egypt!
JOSEPH
I will reward you royally!
ARTHUR
Although... just in case things don't work out, I think we should take a deposit...
JOSEPH
A deposit? What do you have in mind?
(MATTHIAS APPROACHES. WE HEAR HIM PANTING AND SWEARING AT THE SAND (AD LIB))
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
JOSEPH
The Mole Rat!
KOZLOWSKI
He is almost here! We must go! We must get our disguises! Goodbye Joseph, when you next see us we shall be Ishmaelites!
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS TO RUN)
ARTHUR
KOZLOWSKI
You mean Midianites!
No Ishmaelites!
ARTHUR
No -
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur! Behind the dune! Come!
(ARTHUR RUNS TOO)
Quick!
(KOZLOWSKI DIVES BEHIND A DUNE)
ALVINA
(IN THE DISTANCE) Arthur! Arthur!
JACKIE
(IN THE DISTANCE) Kozlowski? Wake up!
ARTHUR dives behind a dune.
ARTHUR
Kohath? Kohath? Kozlowski? Where are you?! Kozlowski where are you?
KOZLOWSKI
(FROM BEHIND THE DUNE) Over here Arthur! Over here!
ALVINA
(IN THE DISTANCE) Arthur! Wake up!
ARTHUR
Kozlowski? Where did you go?
ALVINA
(IN THE DISTANCE) Arthur, you just nodded off for a second. (FADES OUT)
(MATTHIAS ARRIVES)
MATTHIAS
(HE HOPS BAREFOOT ACROSS THE SCORCHING SAND "OUCH OUCH OUCH")
Joseph?
JOSEPH
Hello.
MATTHIAS
Congratulations. Pleasure to meet you. My name is Matthias, and I represent (PROUDLY) The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat.
MUSIC AND CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Peter Wicks as Joseph, Torgny G Aandraa as Cole, Benjamin Noble as Haines, Erin King as Mia, Jordan Cobb as Jackie, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Philip Thorne as Mr. Boardman, Josh Callahan as Matthias and introducing Rose Thorne as the young Cole.
The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, with direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, story editing by Oystein Brager, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. Thanks to Chris Pepper for providing inspiration.
The episode was recorded at Theme Studio in London and Nitro Studio in Oslo.
Thank you to our patreon supporters, without whom this podcast would vanish and reappear as a Self-help course: Help yourself! Fake your death and disappear!
This show release on the support of listeners like you, so if you’d like to chip in with five dollars a month we’d be ever so grateful, and in return you can access our bonus episodes, the graphic novel short Ruby Mariner, lots of Behind the Scenes videos, including one for our recent live show on Theatreship, and more. Go to ameliapodcast.com for more info.
As always a shoutout to our amazing super patrons, you guys are making a real difference to the survival of the show. That’s:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Mez, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart and Atiyyah Makada.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
1973, WEST END.
(PREMIERE OF JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT. THE SHOW HAS JUST ENDED. APPLAUSE)
KOZLOWSKI
What did you think?
ARTHUR
Well he was right. They did make a musical about him.
KOZLOWSKI
Some two thousand six hundred and seventy three years after the event.
ARTHUR
That's no excuse for getting the facts so muddled!
What did you think?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh. I cannot really judge...
ARTHUR
Why so coy? You critiqued "The King and I" for five hours straight.
KOZLOWSKI
It is just... I cannot really distinguish between what was on stage... and what was in my head.
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Ten minutes into the show I fell asleep.
ARTHUR
You didn't!
KOZLOWSKI
It was a very light sleep... But I had the strangest dreams. In my dream Pharaoh turned into Elvis Presley!
ARTHUR
No that was part of the show actually.
KOZLOWSKI
It was?!
ARTHUR
But there was nothing about us or The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat. And they got the whole butler baker bit really mixed up.
KOZLOWSKI
They were following the Book of Genesis. What do you expect?
ARTHUR
The Book of Genesis, pah! Maybe we should have a word with this... (CHECKS THE PROGRAM) Andrew Lloyd Webber, tell him what really happened.
KOZLOWSKI
What did really happen?
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
KOZLOWSKI
Well, it was so long ago, even I am finding it difficult to keep the facts straight.
Besides, it is only natural for stories to change over time... At least they are still being told. "If our stories aren't told, then what is the point? Why are we collecting them?" I remember you saying that to me once. I do not remember where...
ARTHUR
The songs were alright I guess...
KOZLOWSKI
(SINGS BADLY) "Any dream will do!"
ARTHUR
And it did give me an excuse to wear this!
KOZLOWSKI
You really should have given it back you know. It was only meant to be a deposit.
ARTHUR
But it suits me so well! Don't you think?
KOZLOWSKI
It is... very...
ARTHUR
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
Bright.
ARTHUR
It's faded a lot over the centuries.
KOZLOWSKI
Still very bright.
the interviewer starts swirling around his cloak.
ARTHUR
Gold and coffee and mauve and fire and -
KOZLOWSKI
You are drawing a lot of attention.
ARTHUR
- crimson and emerald and sapphire and coal and white and chocolate and pink and -
KOZLOWSKI
Stop it Arthur!
ARTHUR
- charcoal and cherry and bronze and rust and -
KOZLOWSKI
Come on, we promised Martha we would be back at Plum Manor by midnight.
ARTHUR
- beige and amber and lime and chestnut and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and and violet and fawn...
(FADE OUT)
END.