EPISODE 92 – DEATH IN BABYLON

(Formatted script until Maty is fully recovered and catches back up)

PIP

This episode is dedicated to Ryan O’Mara, whose death will be recorded in the Guinness Book of Records as he chokes attempting to chew the world's largest ever stick of chewing gum. Ryan will reappear as a polka dot designer for an international fashion house. Thanks Ryan and thanks to all our patrons. Enjoy the show.


PROLOGUE.

INTERVIEWER
Do you really think there's a future in this?
KOZLOWSKI
Death faking?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.

(PAUSE)

KOZLOWSKI
It was your idea.
INTERVIEWER
I know.

(PAUSE)

I'm not sure we're cut out for it.

(THEME TUNE)

TITLES.

The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by (XX).
Episode 92 – Death in Babylon, 715BC

BACK TO BABYLON.

KOZLOWSKI
You want to give up already? We have only been doing this for a year.
INTERVIEWER
And what have we achieved? Banishments from Egypt, Nubia, Urartu, Israel, Judah, and the entire Assyrian Empire.
KOZLOWSKI
Bah, I am used to life on the run.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not.
KOZLOWSKI
You said you wanted to collect stories, change lives, travel the world.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, travel, not slink!
KOZLOWSKI
What is that supposed to mean?
INTERVIEWER
We slink from country to country, leaving a trail of botched faces and irate rulers in our wake.
KOZLOWSKI
"Botched"?
INTERVIEWER
You're not going to claim King Shalmaneser's face was a success?
KOZLOWSKI
I admit the nose was a mistake -
INTERVIEWER
You mean noses!
KOZLOWSKI
But I gave him some really lovely dimples.
INTERVIEWER
Which nobody will see, because they'll be too distracted by the two noses and oversized ears!
KOZLOWSKI
You are exaggerating Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
It's not possible to exaggerate those ears.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah. I see.
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
He got to you.
INTERVIEWER
Who?
KOZLOWSKI
That silly little man in Jerusalem.
INTERVIEWER
He was very unhappy.
KOZLOWSKI
He had no reason to be.
INTERVIEWER
No? When you were done with him he looked like a mole rat! 
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, that man changes nothing!
INTERVIEWER
Whilst I was busy getting the loom installed for his new life as a weaver, he goes and starts a competing death faking business!
KOZLOWSKI
Do not worry. He will not last long. And we are the only ones doing this properly!
INTERVIEWER
And by properly you mean...?
KOZLOWSKI
We are experiencing some growing pains, yes, but -
INTERVIEWER
Growing pains?
KOZLOWSKI
We will get better!
INTERVIEWER
You think?
KOZLOWSKI
We are learning a new trade. It is normal to make mistakes along the way.
INTERVIEWER
I suppose...
KOZLOWSKI
Think of your old life.
INTERVIEWER
What about it.
KOZLOWSKI
I am sure there was a time when you barely knew amber from alabaster, a staff from a sickle!
INTERVIEWER
Don't be ridiculous Kaleb, amber's not even a rock!
KOZLOWSKI
Learning a new profession, it takes...
INTERVIEWER
Patience?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) We do have Patience!
BEAT.
Although it should be called "yucky tear juice".
KOZLOWSKI
With time and patience, we will get better.
INTERVIEWER
Very well. We'll give it a few more years.
KOZLOWSKI
That is the spirit.
INTERVIEWER
And how about a challenge?
KOZLOWSKI
Ooh, I like a challenge...
INTERVIEWER
Let's try not to get run out of town this time.
KOZLOWSKI
Deal! I have high hopes for Babylon.
INTERVIEWER
So do I. I think we can make this our base.
KOZLOWSKI
I am so excited about the start of the Akitu festivities tomorrow!
INTERVIEWER
I want to find out more about their calendar...
KOZLOWSKI
Ah yes. Explain it to me. What makes it so special?
INTERVIEWER
You remember my story?
KOZLOWSKI
You mean...?
INTERVIEWER
The Stone Circle.
KOZLOWSKI
Laughs
How could I forget!
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, yeah. Anyway; I think the Babylonians have found the solution! You see, their calendar used to follow the cycles of the moon, but they've discovered it doesn't match perfectly with the path of the sun. The moon's year is shorter than the sun's year! If they followed only the moon, their planting, harvesting, and holy days would drift out of place. So every few years, they add an extra month, so the calendar stays aligned with the seasons.

CUT TO MONMARTRE CEMETERY.

ALVINA
Wait wait wait, why are you talking about calendars all of a sudden? Did I miss something?
INTERVIEWER
I'm telling the story backwards remember?
ALVINA
Ah, so this refers to something I haven't heard yet?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Okay. I'll make a mental note of it...
INTERVIEWER
Good.
INTERVIEWER
So the Babylonians invented leap years or something?
INTERVIEWER
Pretty much. They added extra months, called them gifts from the gods. Shall I get back to the story?
ALVINA
Yes. No wait. Kozlowski mentioned Akitu? What's that?
INTERVIEWER
Ah! It's so much better than the Times Square Ball Drop!
ALVINA
Oh, so Akitu is New Year's Eve?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. But better.
ALVINA
What makes it better?
INTERVIEWER
For a start, it's not just one night. It's twelve days.
ALVINA
That sounds... exhausting.
INTERVIEWER
Also, it's not in Winter, but Spring.
ALVINA
That sounds... a lot better!
INTERVIEWER
It makes sense doesn't it? The season of renewal.
ALVINA
But still, twelve days?
These days I barely make it to midnight.
Yawns
A clock chimes four times.
INTERVIEWER
Four o'clock already. You're doing well Alvina.
Beat
Shall I tell you more about Akitu?
ALVINA
Please.
INTERVIEWER
It starts with The Day of Marduk's Escape. 
ALVINA
Marmaduke?
INTERVIEWER
Marduk. The most important god of Mesopotamia. They chose the biggest man in Babylon to represent him -
ALVINA
Surely that was Kozlowski!
INTERVIEWER
He did look like Kozlowski actually! Kaleb was very jealous!

(BABYLON, THE FOLLOWING DAY. WE ARE NOW IN THE CITY CENTRE. THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ARE WATCHING A PROCESSION, HEADED BY MARDUK)

INTERVIEWER
I know what you're thinking Kaleb.
KOZLOWSKI
I am admiring the temple, the glazed brickwork, the vibrant colours -
INTERVIEWER
And that very strapping fellow.
KOZLOWSKI
He is handsome.
INTERVIEWER
He looks rather like you.
KOZLOWSKI
You flatter me, but my beard is not as long, and my body not nearly as chiselled...
INTERVIEWER
Beards and muscles can grow!
KOZLOWSKI
You think I can grow into such a man?
INTERVIEWER
I do! And if we stay here long enough, one day you can represent Marduk!

(KOZLOWSKI CHUCKLES. THEN NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR)

KOZLOWSKI
What is that?
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
There, on the floor...

(HE PICKS UP A SMALL OBJECT)

INTERVIEWER
It's just a feather Kaleb.
KOZLOWSKI
But look, it is sharpened. A black liquid flows from it... is it... yes, ink!
INTERVIEWER
Put that thing down Kaleb you'll stain your tunic.
KOZLOWSKI
Could this be a tool for writing? Incredible! So much more convenient than scratching into clay...
INTERVIEWER
Look Kaleb! They're about to chain him up!

(WE HEAR THE PRIESTS CHAINING MARDUK UP ON THE TEMPLE STEPS. AS THE INTERVIEWER RECOUNTS THE SCENE, THE SOUNDS OF BABYLON SLOWLY RECEDE INTO THE BACKGROUND AND MAKE WAY FOR THE SOUNDS OF MONMARTRE)

 
Marduk, adorned in golden robes, strode up the steps to the Temple of Esagila, his horned crown gleaming in the bright afternoon sun.

The crowd roared as priests clamped heavy bronze chains around Marduk, a reenactment of the god's captivity and descent into the underworld.

Marduk flexed his muscles and with a resounding crack, the chains shattered like brittle clay!

A hundred junior priests, their faces obscured by grotesque masks with forked tongues and twisted features, gathered on the temple steps…

…as the priests hissed and slithered forward, Marduk charged toward them, smashing his way through the sinister throng

ALVINA
Wow. Priests must have been a lot tougher back then.
INTERVIEWER
Not really. They fled, tripping over their long robes and rolling down the temple steps. It was most amusing.
ALVINA
Well, all this sounds a lot more fun than New Year's fireworks!
INTERVIEWER
But the highlight was still to come...
ALVINA
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
The King’s Humiliation!
ALVINA
Oh?
INTERVIEWER
The king had to strip naked, and kneel down before the high priest, who struck him on the cheek, humbling him before Marduk.
ALVINA
Huh! A reminder that a ruler serves only at the mercy of the people!
INTERVIEWER
Gods.
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Serves at the mercy of the gods.
ALVINA
Ah. Yeah, that bit's not ideal. But I like the humbling bit. We should do that with our politicians. 
INTERVIEWER
The king then confesses to his personal failings.
ALVINA
Ohh. What did he say?

(THE SOUNDS OF BABYLON CREEP BACK IN. THE KING'S HUMILIATION TAKES PLACE BEFORE A CROWD, ON THE TEMPLE STEPS)

KING
O mighty Marduk, I confess. I have been far too generous in my distributions of wealth! The people no longer remember the days of hardship, for I have removed all trace of suffering! Slap me priest!

(THE PRIEST SLAPS HIM)

Forgive me, great Marduk! I have been overly diligent in maintaining justice! I have spent sleepless nights ensuring no wrong goes unpunished. My dedication to fairness has left me truly exhausted! Slap me!

(THE PRIEST SLAPS HIM)

I admit, O Marduk, that I have taken too much time training the army, for now they are undefeatable and other kingdoms dare not challenge us. Perhaps... I have made us too powerful! Slap me harder!

(THE PRIEST SLAPS HIM)

BACK TO MONMARTRE.

ALVINA
Crumbs. What an odd ritual.
INTERVIEWER
False modesty and sadomasochism.
ALVINA
Humble bragging. It's what we all do when we're asked "what is your greatest weakness?" isn't it.
INTERVIEWER
Huh?
ALVINA
You wouldn't know. You've never done an interview.
INTERVIEWER
I've conducted hundreds of -
ALVINA
I mean you've never done a job interview.
INTERVIEWER
Fair. And they ask that? "What is your greatest weakness?"
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And do they slap you?
ALVINA
No, that's not normally part of it.
INTERVIEWER
Huh. Did Amelia ask that? Back on your island?
ALVINA
You know... I really don't remember. Feels like a lifetime ago.
INTERVIEWER
What's your greatest weakness Alvina?
ALVINA
I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. I find it difficult to say no to additional responsibilities.
INTERVIEWER
Both of those are true.
ALVINA
What can I say, I'm the perfect employee.

(INTERVIEWER & ALVINA CHUCKLE)

ALVINA
But enough about me, let's get back to Babylon. What happened next?
INTERVIEWER
Next it was time for the king to be insulted by the crowd.
ALVINA
Ooh! That's more like it! What did they say?

(BACK TO BABYLON)

BABYLONIAN 1
You are such a boring ruler! Every war we fight we win! Where's the suspense?

(THE KING PRETENDS TO FLINCH AT THIS "INSULT")

BABYLONIAN 2
Can you stop it with the generosity already? If you keep doling out your wealth, there will be nothing left for us to work for!
KING
It's true, it's true...
BABYLONIAN 3
Mighty king, you are a tyrant!

(CROWD GASPS)

KING
What?
BABYLONIAN 3
...over the calendar! You have made time itself bow to your rule!

(CROWD CLAPS)

INTERVIEWER
Kaleb, this is pathetic.
KOZLOWSKI
He may be naked, but he is still their king.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but how can they fear a man with such weedy arms and legs and such a pasty complexion? I mean he's clearly never done a day's work in his life.
KOZLOWSKI
I know but -
INTERVIEWER
Without the royal regalia he's just so puny!
KOZLOWSKI
Keep your voice down Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Not to mention his -
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, shhhh.
INTERVIEWER
I knew he was overcompensating for something when I saw that loooooong scepter.
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, it's like a shrivelled shrimp.
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
Oh come on Kaleb, you think so too.
KOZLOWSKI
I have to agree but -
INTERVIEWER
And standing next to Marduk really isn't doing him any favours...
KOZLOWSKI
It really is not, but -
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS OVER THE CROWD) Hey hey everyone!
KOZLOWSKI
What are you doing?!
INTERVIEWER
O mighty king! If your power's so grand, why's your pecker so bland?

(CROWD GOES SILENT)
 

If your generosity is so cracking, why's your todger so lacking?

(CROWD GASPS)
 

While Marduk's all chiselled, your sausage is all shrivelled!

(CROWD CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

INTERVIEWER
They say you're a king, but your thing doesn't swing.
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
You think you're a stud, but your noodle's a dud.

(CROWD CRACKS UP)

For a man so cocky, it really is floppy.
KOZLOWSKI
Alright, that's enough, you've had your fun, now let us -
INTERVIEWER
For a man so intrepid, it really is tepid!

(CROWD ERUPTS INTO FULL-THROATED LAUGHTER)

You rule with great might, yet your tossle is slight!
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
You're a powerful bloke, but you cock is a joke!

(KOZLOWSKI TRIES TO DRAG ARTHUR AWAY, BUT HE KEEPS GOING)

If you're so damn commanding why's your member not standing?

(CROWD ROARS AND CHEERS)

KING
GRAB THAT MAN!
INTERVIEWER
Your scepter is shiny, but your dick is tiny! You may have a crown, but you're endowed like a clown! You may wear a cape, but you're hung like a grape!
KING
DO YOU HEAR ME?
INTERVIEWER
Your temper is hot but your penis is not!
KING
GUARDS ARREST HIM!

(THE GUARDS APPROACH)

 
INTERVIEWER
Um...?
KOZLOWSKI
(TO ARTHUR) No no no no, we had a deal, remember?
INTERVIEWER
But... I don't understand, we were supposed to humiliate him...
KING
EXECUTE HIM!
INTERVIEWER
Execute? But... it was all part of the Akitu spirit, all fun and games, all –

(THE GUARDS CLOSE IN ON ARTHUR AND KOZLWOSKI)

KOZLOWSKI
We have to run. Now Go! Go!!

(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI RUN, PURSUED BY THE KING'S GUARDS)

KOZLOWSKI
(ANGRILY) You really could not help yourself could you Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
(PANTING) What did I do?
KOZLOWSKI
Never mock a man's penis! And never ever ever ever mock a royal penis!
INTERVIEWER
But he wanted to be insulted!
KOZLOWSKI
Not like that!
INTERVIEWER
But -
KOZLOWSKI
Read the room Arthur, read the room!
Beat.
INTERVIEWER
(FEEBLY) But we were outside...

(WE START WITH SOUNDS OF THE CHASE UNDERNEATH THE INTERVIEWER'S DESCRIPTION. SLOWLY THE SOUNDS OF BABYLON FADE OUT AND ARE REPLACED BY THE GRAVEYARD IN MONMARTRE)

We tore across the processional square, dodging priests waving their palm fronds, sending jars of dates and stacks of wool flying, hearts pounding like Sumerian war drums.

Guards were coming at us from all sides, sandals slapping against hot stone

Kozlowski grabbed my arm and yanked me from the blazing square into a shadowy alley. We bolted through the twisting warren of passages that wrapped around the temple district, the walls of the mud-brick houses crowding in on us, the air thick with spices, incense, fish, baked clay, the sweat of the city.

We darted past shrine attendants and forgotten idols in hidden alcoves. The streets got narrower, darker, smellier, the labyrinth tightening its grip.

Were we shaking them off or running into a trap? What if we hit a dead end?

No time to think. All we could do was run and hope that somewhere in this city of gods and demons, we'd find a crack into which we could disappear.
ALVINA
I know this was three thousand years ago, but I can feel my stress levels rising. Please tell me you found a crack?

BACK TO BABYLON.

INTERVIEWER
(PANTING) A potter's workshop!
KOZLOWSKI
(PANTING)
Do you want to buy a souvenir?!
INTERVIEWER
(STOPS RUNNING)
Two large pots! Do you think we can...
KOZLOWSKI
What??
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS CLAMBERING INTO A POT)
INTERVIEWER
... get inside?
KOZLOWSKI
They are far two small.

(THE INTERVIEWER IS INSIDE THE POT)

INTERVIEWER
From inside the clay pot
I fit! 
KOZLOWSKI
Far too small for me!
INTERVIEWER
(FROM INSIDE THE POT) Just scrunch up Kaleb.
KOZLOWSKI
Although maybe I could hide in the kiln...
INTERVIEWER
FROM INSIDE THE POT
And burn up? Not now Kaleb, I need you! Now get in that pot!

(KOZLOWSKI SQUEEZES INTO THE POT)

KOZLOWSKI
This is very... tight... I am not enjoying this... I do not like confined spaces!
INTERVIEWER
Shhhhh!

BACK TO MONMARTRE.

I scrunched up, knees drawn up to my chest, the thick clay pressing against my shoulders.

The heavy thud of boots rang through the narrow alley, guards shouting orders as they rushed past. I held my breath, my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

One of the guards stopped so close I could hear the rasp of his breath and I pressed myself tighter against the clay. He muttered something to another guard, then with a grunt, his footsteps retreated.

The noise outside faded into the distance, had they gone? I strained my ears, but all I could hear was my own breathing, unnervingly loud in the confined space.

Were we safe? Or had they simply paused, waiting for us to come stumbling out of our hiding places like fools?

(PAUSE)

I started to get cramp.
ALVINA
Well imagine how poor Kozlowski must have been feeling!

BACK TO BABYLON.

INTERVIEWER
(WHISPERS FROM INSIDE THE POT) Do you think the coast is clear?

(PAUSE)

Kaleb?

(PAUSE)

Kaleb?

 
(PAUSE)

Kaleb?

(THE INTERVIEWER CAREFULLY CLIMBS OUT OF HIS POT. IT SEEMS THE COAST IS CLEAR. HE WANDERS OVER TO THE OTHER POT, LEANS OVER AND…)

(SHOUTING INTO THE POT)

Kaleb!
KOZLOWSKI
(Wakes with a jolt) Ah!

(The pot shatters)

INTERVIEWER
You've shattered the pot!
KOZLOWSKI
You startled me.
INTERVIEWER
Were you asleep?
KOZLOWSKI
I put myself into a trance...
INTERVIEWER
That's just a fancy way of saying you took a nap.
KOZLOWSKI
Tyre... Running to Mister Aslan's house with a bag of gold... Exchanging it for a bag of feathers... Ah... simple happy days...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well wake up Kaleb! This isn't ancient Tyre, this is modern Babylon, and we're being pursued by the king's guards.

(PAUSE. NO SOUND)

INTERVIEWER
Or at least we were a few moments ago?
KOZLOWSKI
It is very quiet...
INTERVIEWER
Do you think they've forgotten about us?

(DISTANT CHEERS AND MUSIC)

KOZLOWSKI
It sounds like the Akitu festivities have started again.
INTERVIEWER
Marduk be praised! The king has seen past my harmless jibes!
KOZLOWSKI
I want to make sure. I will climb on the roof to see what is happening.

(KOZLOWSKI CLIMBS UP TO THE WORKSHOP ROOF WHILE THE INTERVIEWER STAYS BELOW, DANCING AND CHANTING. HE IS ECSTATIC)

INTERVIEWER
His dick may lack size, but his judgment is wise! If you have a thick skin, so what it's a pin?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, have you not learned your lesson?
INTERVIEWER
What? I'm praising him! It may be a twig, but his heart is big! 
KOZLOWSKI
The crowds have gathered around the temple again...
INTERVIEWER
He's got a short staff, but he can take a laugh! Who cares about girth when you've got so much mirth?
KOZLOWSKI
Marduk is there...
INTERVIEWER
What is a small member when you've got a good temper? His snake may be shy, but he holds his head high!
KOZLOWSKI
He is handing something to the crowds...
INTERVIEWER
Who cares it's not swinging when you're so damn forgiving!
KOZLOWSKI
... bags of something... They seem excited.
INTERVIEWER
Who needs a great whopper when your intentions are proper?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
Who cares if it's puny when - What?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no.
INTERVIEWER
What is it Kaleb?
KOZLOWSKI
This is bad.
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Very bad.
INTERVIEWER
Kaleb, you're scaring me! I thought we were safe!
KOZLOWSKI
I think we are...
INTERVIEWER
I don't understand. Are we safe or not?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. I believe you are off the hook.
INTERVIEWER
But?
KOZLOWSKI
But that poor man is not.
INTERVIEWER
Which man?
KOZLOWSKI
Come up here.
INTERVIEWER
I'm coming!

(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS CLIMBING AND WE FADE TO MONMARTRE)

INTERVIEWER
Babylon sprawled out beneath us. The mighty Euphrates sliced through the city, its muddy waters sluggish under the weight of the heat. The Temple of Esagila rose above the maze of sun-baked buildings, its ziggurat dominating the skyline. The music had started again, chants and hymns mingling with flutes, tambourines, and drums.

(BACK TO BABYLON. THE INTERVIEWER HAS JOINED KOZLOWSKI ON THE ROOF)

INTERVIEWER
Alright... What are we looking at?
KOZLOWSKI
I believe Marduk is passing around bags of rocks.
INTERVIEWER
Right...
KOZLOWSKI
And see that man on the temple steps?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. From a distance he looks rather like me doesn't he?

BEAT.

Oh. Oh...
KOZLOWSKI
We have been very lucky. But someone else has not.
INTERVIEWER
They caught someone they thought was me. Oh, this is terrible!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. We should leave. I do not wish to witness this.
INTERVIEWER
What will they do?
KOZLOWSKI
What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
(HOPEFUL) Have a severe word?
KOZLOWSKI
Why do you think Marduk is passing around rocks?
INTERVIEWER
Well, that depends on the type of rocks doesn't it?
KOZLOWSKI
Um...
INTERVIEWER
I mean, if they are rose quartz maybe they will hold them to their temples to encourage compassion and emotional balance.
KOZLOWSKI
Right...
INTERVIEWER
If they are Amethysts they might clench them between their buttocks to fend off constipation. If it's granite -
KOZLOWSKI
Oh Arthur Arthur Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry. New chapter. No more rock talk. It's just you did ask -
KOZLOWSKI
They are going to stone that poor man to death!
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
KOZLOWSKI
I envy your innocence sometimes.

BEAT.

Let us go. You should not have to see this.

(KOZLOWSKI STARTS TO LEAVE.)

INTERVIEWER
It's my fault.
KOZLOWSKI
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
That man will die because of me.
KOZLOWSKI
Do not be too hard on yourself Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Why do you say that? I am responsible for his death!
KOZLOWSKI
I suppose that is true, but... but think of how many people you have saved!
INTERVIEWER
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Think of how many people you have saved and given fulfilling new lives?
INTERVIEWER
Not many. We slink from failure to failure.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not like that word.
INTERVIEWER
Failure?
KOZLOWSKI
(FLINCHES) They are not failures, they are -
INTERVIEWER
Pharaoh Kheperkamen, not a failure?
KOZLOWSKI
No!
INTERVIEWER
The embalmers whisked him away for mummification!
KOZLOWSKI
We did manage to free him before they removed too many internal organs.

BEAT.

And he did sleep through most of it.
INTERVIEWER
I can't believe he didn't wake up when they poked the brain hook up his nose. That must have tickled!
KOZLOWSKI
You see! A success! My sleep tonic was a success!
INTERVIEWER
My point is, the "lives I've saved", well, I can count them on my little finger.

BEAT.

And he was a tyrant. 
KOZLOWSKI
But think of how many lives you will save!
INTERVIEWER
You really think -
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! One day we will be the best in the business!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Oh you're serious.
KOZLOWSKI
I beg you Arthur, do not watch this. It will be too upsetting.
INTERVIEWER
You're right. I can't watch.
KOZLOWSKI
Let us go.
INTERVIEWER
I must act!
KOZLOWSKI
What??
INTERVIEWER
(STARTS SHOUTING) HEY! HEY! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN! I'M HERE! I'M HERE! I'M –

(KOZLOWSKI TACKLES ARTHUR AND COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HIS HAND)

INTERVIEWER
(TRYING TO SPEAK THROUGH THE HAND) I'M HERE! Get off me! Get off me!
KOZLOWSKI
You cannot do this Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(THROUGH THE HAND)I have to!
KOZLOWSKI
They will kill you!
INTERVIEWER
(THROUGH THE HAND)
So what?
KOZLOWSKI
(STRUGGLING TO KEEP ARTHUR QUIET)
I cannot allow that. I cannot lose you. I cannot lose a friend. Not another one. Not again.
INTERVIEWER
(THROUGH THE HAND)
An innocent man will die!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes. But it is too late. We are too far away. There is nothing we can do.
They have started throwing stones.

(KOZLOWSKI REMOVES HIS HAND FROM ARTHUR'S MOUTH)

(IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR ROCKS FLY. THE INTERVIEWER HOWLS IN DESPAIR)

CUT TO MONMARTRE.

ALVINA
This is horrible.
INTERVIEWER
I know.
ALVINA
They stoned the guy? You can't do that!
INTERVIEWER
It was a very common method of execution back then.
ALVINA
No, I mean you can't do that!
INTERVIEWER
Well I tried to intervene, but -
ALVINA
No no no, I mean you can't do that! You can't start a story with penis rhymes and end it with a stoning! I mean, what is this story?
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ALVINA
This is messed up.
INTERVIEWER
It's not over.
ALVINA
For the poor guy it is.
INTERVIEWER
Well...
ALVINA
I mean they threw the rocks right?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
And they hit?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
And you and Kozlowski were on a rooftop far away unable to intervene?
INTERVIEWER
Well...
ALVINA
Stop saying "well..." it's annoying.
INTERVIEWER
Should we go back to Babylon?
ALVINA
To the stoning?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Right to the temple square.
ALVINA
I'm not sure I want to.
INTERVIEWER
I think you will find it very interesting.
ALVINA
Well alright...

(BACK TO BABYLON. WE'RE NOW ON THE TEMPLE SQUARE. ROCKS FLY AND SMASH INTO THE TEMPLE WALLS. EVENTUALLY THINGS QUIETEN DOWN. THE STONING IS OVER)

(THE CROWD SLINKS AWAY)

(ROGER AND BURBAGE APPEAR)

ROGER
Burbage? Methinks thou didst clip his ear.
BURBAGE
Did I?
ROGER
Aye. I heard his squeal.
BURBAGE
More realistic, is it not?
ROGER
Shall we verify his condition?
BURBAGE
Aye. 

(ROGER AND BURBAGE WALK TO THE TEMPLE STEPS)

INTERVIEWER
Thou hast clipped mine ear, thou knave!
ROGER
I told thee Burbage!
INTERVIEWER
Doth it bleed?
ROGER
Thou art fortunate that thy ear was but nicked! When Burbage played Macbeth, he nearly cleaved my head!
BURBAGE
More realistic, is it not?
INTERVIEWER
Where is Kyd?
ROGER
He is gathering the players.
INTERVIEWER
Good. We must hence from this place with speed swifter than Mercury’s flight.
BURBAGE
Hold, I prithee... I cannot find mine quill. Methinks I have let it fall somewhere.
INTERVIEWER
There is no time Burbage! This is a matter of life and death!

ALVINA INTERJECTS:

ALVINA
Whaaaaaaaaaat?! What's happening?! This doesn't sound like BC Babylon, this sounds like... like... 

(AND WITH A WHOOOOSH, WE TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO…)

ELIZABETHAN ENGLAND.

BACKSTAGE AT THE GLOBE.

(IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM PLAYING ON STAGE. THE SAME MUSIC WE HEARD IN THE EPISODE "WILL")

WILL
My good fellows, ye are returned!
INTERVIEWER
Aye! And in time for the second act, as we vowed!
WILL
How fared ye?
KOZLOWSKI
I would dwell in this raiment for eternity! Wilt thou not craft me a play wherein I may don this attire?
WILL
And who dost thou claim to be?
KOZLOWSKI
Why the mighty God Marduke!
WILL
I shall ponder it. But pray, the stones... Went all according to design?
INTERVIEWER
Burbage nicked mine ear!
WILL
Ah, verily! Burbage is renowned for lending executions a touch of truth.
ROGER
I bear the bruises to prove it!
WILL
Happily there are no deaths in this Midsummer Night's Dream. Go don thy donkey’s head Burbage! And Roger, don thee thy dress!
INTERVIEWER
Surely thou mean'st A Midwinter Night’s Dream?
WILL
But pray, tell me, the stones?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! I had to ward off many a zealous Babylonian and ensure that only Roger, Burbage, Samuel, Thomas, Kempe, and Heminges received the stones - 
INTERVIEWER
Or rather, the sea sponges from Margate beach!
KOZLOWSKI
Verily! After drying and draining the sponges for weeks on end, they did appear as rocks, yet they hit Arthur's body like a feather's touch upon a padded vest!
INTERVIEWER
Save for the rock that nicked mine ear!
KOZLOWSKI
I bestowed upon Burbage a genuine sack of stones, with strict command to strike wide of the mark. The true stones lent the sound and force of a veritable stoning. Elsewise, 'twould have been a woeful illusion indeed.
WILL
Oh master Kyd, thou art a master of stagecraft!
KOZLOWSKI
I thank thee Master Shakespeare.
WILL
I must needs haste, gentlemen, for I am summoned to the stage! Yet we shall resume our tales this evening at the Lusty Maiden! Farewell!
KOZLOWSKI
Farewell!
INTERVIEWER
The Lusty Maiden? You mean The Merry Wench?

(WILL LEAVES)

(BACK TO MONMARTRE)

ALVINA
So you used Leonardo da Vinci's time machine to save that poor man!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! I had the idea after seeing Burbage… Kozlowski in a game of Quoits. I had never forgotten that poor man, and I desperately wanted to go back and save him.
ALVINA
Huh!

(PAUSE.)

Although...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
Do you think you did?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Save him.
INTERVIEWER
Of course we did!
ALVINA
It's just...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
You don't think...
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
The man being stoned... Do you think it might have been you all along?
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Right. Well he did look like me.
ALVINA
And you said the Marduk man looked like Kozlowski...
INTERVIEWER
So you think when we were on that roof, we were witnessing our own intervention?
ALVINA
Well... Maybe?
INTERVIEWER
So we didn't actually save anyone?
ALVINA
Well you saved yourself.
INTERVIEWER
Yes... But...
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
So in that case Kozlowski and I didn't choose to travel back, but rather, it was predetermined?
ALVINA
Yes, I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
But I distinctly remember Kozlowski and I coming up with the plan over tankards of ale at the Merry Wench.
ALVINA
You mean The Lusty Maiden.
INTERVIEWER
What? 
ALVINA
Back when you told me the story of Will, the tavern was called The Lusty Maiden.
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure?
ALVINA
I mean, that story was many hours ago... but I think so?
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. I have a theory, Alvina.
ALVINA
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
You see, between acquiring the time machine in Renaissance Florence and losing it at the bottom of the ocean in 1783 -
ALVINA
Yeah, I still can't believe you lost it!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
- we went on many trips. Some long before my birth. One day I'll tell you the stories of Dido Queen of Carthage, The Tower of Babel, Theseus and the Minotaur, The Shang Dynasty, the Trojan Wars...
ALVINA
Alright, but for now stick with this story.
INTERVIEWER
Of course. You see, the thing is, after each one of our trips, things weren't quite the same when we came back.
ALVINA
Oh?
INTERVIEWER
The changes were mostly minor, and at first I put them down to lapses of memory. But looking back, I'm convinced that every travel back and forth changed certain details.
ALVINA
Huh. I mean it makes sense... If you change the past it probably creates a ripple through time and changes the future...
INTERVIEWER
I mean when we travelled to the Jurassic period -
ALVINA
Wait -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
I swear we set off in Winter and returned in Spring.
ALVINA
You travelled to the Jurassic period?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
And as you know, we can't have stayed that long, because the time machine only lets you return within a period of twenty four hours.
ALVINA
You travelled to the Jurassic period?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
And that's not the only instance of time being out of whack. You remember Legacy said he saw me in Golovin in January 2020? But I only arrived in Golovin in -
ALVINA
You travelled to the Jurassic period?
INTERVIEWER
What? Oh. Yes. We faked the death of a Triceratops.
ALVINA
Okay. Focus Alvina.
BEAT.
The thing is...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
If your trips into the past affected the future, then presumably you had a choice in the matter after all? I mean if it was all predetermined, nothing would change right?
 

(THE INTERVIEWER THINKS)

Right?
INTERVIEWER
My head hurts.

(THE CLOCK STRIKES THREE)

Three o'clock already.
ALVINA
I'm sure it will make more sense after a good sleep, a nice breakfast and a large cappuccino.
INTERVIEWER
Or maybe we just have to accept it.
ALVINA
Accept what?
INTERVIEWER
That time is not a rigid thing that goes only in one direction. It is not so much a river, than a landscaped car park with a Minoan temple and a petting zoo.
ALVINA
You know what?

BEAT.

That makes perfect sense.

(YAWNS)

MUSIC AND CREDITS.


PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.

The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.

This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Benjamin Noble as the King and Roger, Torgny G. Aanderaa as a Babylonian and Burbage, and the return of David K Barnes as Will.

The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, with direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, story editing by Oystein Brager, sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen, music by Fredrik Baaden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.

It was recorded at Theme Studio in London, Nitro Studio in Oslo, and Lovetraxx Studio in Lüneburg.

If you listen to this show regularly, consider paying us for the work we do. It’s how we can keep telling stories, and keep it free. Thanks to all the patrons who are already supporting us, without you the show would disappear and reappear as a late night TV ad promoting immortality.

In return for your support there are all sorts of perks, like early access, ad free listening, bonus content and a behind the scenes video about the making of this very episode. Check out ameliapodcast.com for more info.

As ever, thanks to our super patrons, at the time of recording that’s:

Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Mr Squiggles, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Ryan Burnett, SuperKaliFragalisticExpi-Alex Nicol, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Mez, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada.

And now, the epilogue.


EPILOGUE.

(THE PROP WORKSHOP AT THE GLOBE. KOZLOVSKI IS IN THE GRIPS OF INSPIRATION, FEVERISHLY SKETCHING A DIAGRAM. SUDDENLY BURBAGE ENTERS)

BURBAGE
Thou reeky, pox-marked miscreant!
KOZLOWSKI
Well met, Master Burbage. A merry greeting, I must say. What business hast thou in my prop workshop at so late an hour?
BURBAGE
Thou clay-brained, idle-headed clotpole!
KOZLOWSKI
Dost thou not recall mine words? Disturb me not whilst I labour! Behold, I conjure a tempest most wondrous, to fill the stage with thunderous roars and flashes of fire whilst drenching the groundlings in the pit below!

(KOZLOWSKI KEEPS SKETCHING)

BURBAGE
I care not, thou spongy, hasty-witted scullion!
Kozlowski reluctantly puts down his quill and turns to Burbage.
KOZLOWSKI
Why dost thou fume so, Burbage?
BURBAGE
Why dost thou think, thou dolt?
KOZLOWSKI
I know not.
BURBAGE
Truly?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, is it about Roger's padded helm? Fie! I know thou dost treasure truthfulness in thine art, but I could not bear to see the poor fool battered anew with each night's performance.
BURBAGE
Thou hast padded Roger’s helm?
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed! But now thou canst smite him with even mightier blows! 'Twill cause no harm.
BURBAGE
That is not the matter of my complaint!
KOZLOWSKI
'Tis not? Then I am confounded.
BURBAGE
Thou art a thief!
KOZLOWSKI
A thief, thou sayest? I do pilfer an unpaid tavern bill on occasion, aye, and pull a prank or two, but to steal? Nay, sir!
BURBAGE
The gall of thee!
KOZLOWSKI
I know not thine meaning.
BURBAGE
Thou makest no effort to conceal thy crime!
KOZLOWSKI
Conceal what, prithee?
BURBAGE
The quill in thine hand, villain!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh... this quill? Thou thinkest it thine? Thou art mistaken, for this quill is mine own!
BURBAGE
Thou art a false-tongued, deceitful rogue!
KOZLOWSKI
I canst assure thee, I have possessed this quill for many a decade. It hath been a steadfast comrade to mine ink-stained hand. It hath served me well in crafting plans for escapes from dungeons, penning recipes for mysterious elixirs, designing false gallows, and recording mine ponderings. Each contrivance upon the stage, devised for master Will, did first take shape as a sketch borne from this very quill!
BURBAGE
Thou claim to have possessed it for decades?
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Well, millennia, if truth be told...
BURBAGE
What sayest thou?
KOZLOWSKI
Aye, I have owned this quill since well before thine birth!
BURBAGE
The audacity!
KOZLOWSKI
'Tis truth!
BURBAGE
Whence didst thou come by it?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot recall with precision... I did chance upon it during one of mine many voyages. Before we did make our abode here at the Globe, Arthur and I were much given to roaming.
BURBAGE
Thou speakest folly. I held that quill in mine own hand this very morning!
KOZLOWSKI
Nay, 'tis false! I used it this very morning to sketch a harness for Ariel's flight!
BURBAGE
Nay, nay, I used it to pen Julius Caesar!
KOZLOWSKI
Julius Caesar?
BURBAGE
Aye.
KOZLOWSKI
Did not Will already pen that play?

(BURBAGE GRUNTS)

Aye, thou didst play Julius thyself. I recall thou wert none too pleased to be stabbed in Act Three!
BURBAGE
In mine own version, Caesar doth live!
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Closer to truth, in fact...
BURBAGE (CON’T)
And seeks vengeance!
KOZLOWSKI
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Ah. That is not how it did unfold.
BURBAGE
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Nothing. Thou art certain 'tis this very quill thou didst wield?
BURBAGE
Certes! It doth rest light and firm 'twixt mine fingers, its nib like a fine dagger, cutting lines as precise as the spider's web, yet broad when the flourish calls. Each stroke flows like the ink itself were alive. No blot, no smudge. It bears the delicate grace of the swan from whence it came, it endures each stroke as steadfast as the last, truly, none hath seen a finer instrument!
KOZLOWSKI
Verily, a most apt description of this quill...
But 'tis still mine.
BURBAGE
Then why doth it bear a B on the shaft, thou rogue?
KOZLOWSKI
A "B"... Yes, now let me see...
BURBAGE
B for -
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, yes... of course! Aha! B for... Babylon! 'Tis where I found it!
BURBAGE
So thou admit'st it! Thou filched it from me this very afternoon during our merry charade?
KOZLOWSKI
Today? Nay, I discovered it long long ago... Ah, now I see the confusion.
Hmm.
Burbage?
BURBAGE
Speak, Kyd.
KOZLOWSKI
I give thee this quill.
BURBAGE
Jupiter be praised!
KOZLOWSKI
I vow I have tended it with utmost care through the ages. Verily, 'tis a marvel that such a quill hath withstood the test of time.
BURBAGE
What sayest thou?
KOZLOWSKI
Nothing, Master Burbage. Now go, write thy play. But might I offer a suggestion?
BURBAGE
Aye?
KOZLOWSKI
What if Julius Caesar doth fake his death, and assumeth the role of a salad chef?
BURBAGE
Huh?
KOZLOWSKI
Food for thought...
BURBAGE
Farewell Master Kyd.
KOZLOWSKI
Fare thee well, Master Burbage.

(BURBAGE LEAVES. KOZLOWSKI IS LEFT PONDERING)

KOZLOWSKI
A strange day indeed...
As Will doth say, "Time travels in divers paces with divers persons." Of all the mysteries, I shall ne'er grasp the riddles of time.

END OF EPISODE