EPISODE 93 - ROMULUS
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Christine Bayuga, who will be pecked to death by angry pigeons after generously attempting to share a bread roll with them. Christine will return as a small-town cryptid, appearing when the fog does.
A reminder that this show only exists thanks to the generosity of our Patreon supporters, so thank you to Christine Bayuga and thank you to all our patrons. If you’d also like to chip in with five dollars per month, or any amount you think is reasonable, we’d be really grateful. Just go to ameliapodcast.com for more info.
But now, enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE.
ITTHOBAAL'S CAVE. ARTHUR SITS IN THE CORNER, HIS HEAD IN BANDAGES.
ARTHUR
(STRUGGLING TO TALK WITH THE BANDAGES ON HIS MOUTH. MISERY)
Itthobaal? Itthobaal? Ugh. Blasted bandages! Itthobaal? How long has it been?
(HE TRIES TO TEAR AT THE BANDAGES, TO NO AVAIL)
I'm starting to regret this Itthobaal...
BEAT.
Itthobaal? Can I trust you? I can trust you... (DOUBTFUL) can't I? (GROAN) By Dubhtach's beard I'm thirsty. I need water. And air. I need to breathe!
(HE TUGS AT THE BANDAGES AGAIN. THEY DON'T BUDGE)
Also, I have an itch on my nose. What have you done to my nose? Whatever you've done it's itchy. I want to scratch it. But I can't.
(UTTER MISERY)
Itthobaal, Itthobaal I beg you! Release me from these bandages so I can drink water, breathe, and scratch my nose!
(TUG. TUG. TUG. NOPE)
Oh, I can't find the end of these bandages! I CAN'T GET IT OFF!
(FROM THE OTHER END OF THE CAVE WE HEAR A KNOCK)
Bodhmall be praised! Itthobaal! Finally! Take pity on me!
(ANOTHER KNOCK)
Itthobaal?
(ANOTHER KNOCK)
Uh...
(ANOTHER KNOCK)
Itthobaal, why don't you just come i-
(THE DOOR IS SMASHED DOWN)
Oh!
(ROMULUS STRIDES IN)
ROMULUS
I am here! I have crossed moors, marshes, mountains, oceans, and now I am here! Oh Mighty Sorcerer! Reveal yourself to me!
ARTHUR
Who’s that? What is going on?
(ROMULUS DOESN'T HEAR ARTHUR)
ROMULUS (CON’T)
He who bends nature to his will, banishes death and bottles life! Reveal yourself and let us talk! God to God!
ARTHUR
(MISERY) Hello! Over here! Can you help me?
ROMULUS
By Jupiter! Am I too late? Have I travelled all this way for nothing?
BEAT.
Fuck!
ARTHUR
Hello!!! Over here!
ROMULUS
What was that?
ARTHUR
(SHOUTS, AS BEST HE CAN WITH HIS MOUTH COVERED) Over here!
ROMULUS
Did I hear something?
ARTHUR
OVER HERE!!!!!!
ROMULUS
Aha! Over where? Where are you? Oh Mighty Sorcerer, now I understand! You are wearing a cloak of invisibility!
ARTHUR
(TO HIMSELF) What is wrong with this man?
(ROMULUS STRIDES AROUND THE CAVE)
ROMULUS
Okay, reveal yourself oh Sorcerer! Reveal yourself to me! I order it!
(HE REACHES THE CORNER WHERE ARTHUR IS SITTING. SUDDENLY WE HEAR HIS VOICE MUCH LOUDER)
Oh.
(HE LEANS IN TOWARDS ARTHUR'S HEAD)
What have we here? (GASPS) A mummy!
ARTHUR
HELP ME!
ROMULUS
(SCREAMS!!!)
ARTHUR
COME ON!
ROMULUS
It is alive!
ARTHUR
Who?
ROMULUS
You!
ARTHUR
Of course I'm alive.
ROMULUS
So it is true! The Sorcerer can revive the dead!
ARTHUR
He can what?!
ROMULUS
The Sorcerer brought your rotten corpse back to life!
ARTHUR
Did you just call me a rotten corpse?
ROMULUS
Jupiter be praised! He really can bestow the gift of life!
ARTHUR
Oh, nonono, if it's Itthobaal you're talking about, the last thing I remember is him taking a bloody knife to my face.
ROMULUS
To kill you?
ARTHUR
Yes to ki- No! Not to kill me!
ROMULUS
To torture you then!
ARTHUR
Well, it wasn't pleasant...
ROMULUS
So you are the Sorcerer's prisoner!
ARTHUR
No no no no. What am I? I am his... I suppose I am his companion.
ROMULUS
His companion?
ARTHUR
I suppose.
ROMULUS
Then what are you doing all bandaged up in the Sorcerer's cave?!
CUT TO MONMARTRE CEMETERY.
ALVINA
What on earth were you doing bandaged up in Kozlowski's cave?
INTERVIEWER
That's not part of this story.
ALVINA
What do you mean? You're literally telling it to me right now!
INTERVIEWER
No, I'm telling you about the client who smashed the door down. How I met Itthobaal is the next story.
ALVINA
The next story is about how you and Kozlowski, I mean Itthobaal, met?
INTERVIEWER
After this one yes. Well, before this one. You know what I mean.
ALVINA
Can we just cut to that story? I'm dying to know about that.
INTERVIEWER
(A BIT HURT) You don't want to hear this one first?
ALVINA
Well, it's just...
INTERVIEWER
It's the story of my very first interview!
ALVINA
By the way, you've started doing the voices again.
INTERVIEWER
The voices?
ALVINA
I thought we'd agreed you'll stick to your normal voice.
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) "Normal" voice.
Alvina
Wait... did you just say this is the story of your first interview?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
Alvina
As in... the very first time you interviewed a client?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Although he wasn't strictly a client. Not really. It was... well, it was kind of an accident.
Alvina
Then I want to hear this story!
INTERVIEWER
Good.
BEAT.
And I can keep doing the voice?
Alvina
(SIGH) Sure.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
ALvina
And after this you will tell me about how you and Itthobaal met?
INTERVIEWER
It's a deal!
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and sound design by Paul Kraner. Episode 92: ROMULUS. 716 BC.
INTERVIEW.
ITTHOBAAL'S CAVE.
(ROMULUS IS TEARING THE BANDAGES FROM ARTHUR'S FACE. SOON WE HEAR BOTH OF THEIR VOICES CLEARLY)
ROMULUS
Come on, let's get these bandages off! Look upon your savior, and thank me for your freedom! Damn it I'm the greatest benefactor who ever lived!
ARTHUR
Overlapping
Yes, yes- (NOISES OF UTTER RELIEF)
ROMULUS
Come here and look upon your saviour! Damn it I’m the greatest benefactor that ever lived!
ARTHUR
Ah, that's better! Air! I can breathe! And I can scratch my nose!
ROMULUS
You’re welcome!
(HE SCRATCHES HIS NOSE)
ARTHUR
Thank you. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I have been wanting to scratch my nose for sooooo long! Speaking of which.
ROMULUS
Yes?
ARTHUR
My nose.
ROMULUS
What about it?
ARTHUR
What do you think.
ROMULUS
Of your nose?
ARTHUR
Yes. Does it look okay?
ROMULUS
You're asking me what I think of your nose?!
ARTHUR
Well, I would look into a mirror and see for myself but I don’t seem to see one here so? What do you think?
ROMULUS
Ehm… It is forgettable.
ARTHUR
It’s for- Forgettable?
ROMULUS
Yes.
ARTHUR
My nose is forgettable?
ROMULUS
Absolutely.
ARTHUR
Oh…
ROMULUS
Unlike my nose, which is...
(HE CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING) Describe my nose, peasant!
ARTHUR
Oh, ehm… It looks... It looks as though it is chiselled from the finest bluestone!
ROMULUS
(PLEASED) It does?
ARTHUR
Yes…?
ROMULUS
Fishing for compliments
What about my jawline?
ARTHUR
Your jawline?
ROMULUS
Suddenly bullish again
Yes, I order you to describe my jawline!
ARTHUR
Oh, uh… Sharper than a serpent's fangs and fiercer than a pack of wolves!
ROMULUS
Wolves ey? I like you, peasant.
Beat.
ARTHUR
Oh, good…
ROMULUS
My eyes?
ARTHUR
Clearer than spring water and brighter than fire.
ROMULUS
(DELIGHTED)
Bravo bravo!
(REIGNING HIMSELF BACK IN. HAPPY INTERVIEWER SOUND)
That is exactly right. And you haven't even mentioned my mouth!
ARTHUR
Your mouth...
(STRUGGLES TO COME UP WITH ANYTHING)
Your mouth, your mouth, your mouth...
ROMULUS
Look at these teeth!
(GRINNING)
Huh? Have you seen teeth like these? So pearly white! So... big and... impressive! And chompy!
He clacks his teeth to show them off.
ARTHUR
They're... very good teeth!
ROMULUS
Yeah! Yep, that’s it! I have the BEST FACE EVER!
(ROMULUS BEATS HIS CHEST)
ARTHUR
And a very fine uniform to go along with it. The tunic has a most unusual pattern...
ROMULUS
Pattern? Oh yeah- It's blood.
ARTHUR
But of course. The red should have given it away. Though you are somewhat underdressed for the weather. You are not from these parts are you?
ROMULUS
I have travelled from afar! I am here to see The Sorcerer.
ARTHUR
You mean Itthobaal? He is out gathering mushrooms.
To himself
And is taking his time I daresay.
ROMULUS
You are the Sorcerer's servant?
ARTHUR
Ehm. Companion!
ROMULUS
Bow to me, Servant!
ARTHUR
I said I was -
ROMULUS
Have you no respect for a general?
ARTHUR
A general?
ROMULUS
Yes! Now bow!
ARTHUR
No.
ROMULUS
No?
ARTHUR
No. You may have a nice bloodspattered tunic and a very shiny sword -
ROMULUS
Which I will use!
ARTHUR
(STUTTERS) - but this is not your jurisdiction.
ROMULUS
Jurisdiction?
ARTHUR
Yes.
ROMULUS
Sorry, sorry! The world is my jurisdiction!
ARTHUR
Well then it's the world minus this cave. Yes, you see. This cave belongs to Itthobaal, and he does not allow footwear inside. Nor swords. So please, if you will, leave your sandals and your sword outside.
ROMULUS
You cannot command me!
ARTHUR
I am just explaining the rules.
ROMULUS
Do you know who I am?
ARTHUR
You could be the founder of Rome for all I care. Rules are rules, and there are no sandals-
ROMULUS
Well, I am!
ARTHUR
You are what?
ROMULUS
The founder of Rome!
Beat.
ARTHUR
(LAUGHS AT FIRST, THEN MORE SERIOUS) You are the founder of Rome?
ROMULUS
Yes.
ARTHUR
The greatest city on earth, the strongest citadel, the most powerful army the world has ever known, all that is your work?
ROMULUS
Ay. All me.
ARTHUR
Well. That explains the brush on your head. I thought maybe it was functional... To wipe cobwebs off ceilings, because you brushed that one off when you came in… But regalia makes much more sense!
BEAT.
But in a normal room you’d be too short to reach the ceiling.
ROMULUS
I... uh! Too short?! Are you mocking me?
ARTHUR
No, nonono! I'm just saying that you're not a giant. Itthobaal has to crouch right down to be in this… cave…
ROMULUS
(UNSURE) Well, I'm not wasting any more time with you, take me to your master!
ARTHUR
As I said, he's out mushroom picking. (ROMULUS SCOFFS) And he's not my master.
ROMULUS
He knifed your face.
ARTHUR
Yes...
ROMULUS
He covered you in bandages and left you here.
ARTHUR
Yes...
ROMULUS
That makes him your master!
ARTHUR
I am certainly in his debt, but -
ROMULUS
You are in my debt!
ARTHUR
What?
ROMULIS
I saved you, remember?
ARTHUR
Yes, you did. And I am very grateful you unwrapped me and let me scratch my nose. It was very-
ROMULUS (OVERLAPPING)
I should think so… Oh! Oh no! When the Sorcerer returns he will be furious! Maybe I should tie you back up!
ARTHUR
No!
ROMULUS
Or kill you!
ARTHUR
What?! No, you shouldn’t kill me!
ROMULUS
That's a good idea...
ARTHUR
That's a terrible idea!
ROMULUS
Then, when the Sorcerer returns, I will offer him your severed head. That will make him happy. And make him respect me.
ARTHUR
It will not Out of the fire and into the frying pan…! In fact, it will make him very very unhappy!
ROMULUS
Silence!
ARTHUR
No! Stop! No swords in the cave, remember?
ROMULUS
How will I chop off your head without a sword? Ah! I could strangle you? Honest hand to hand combat!
ARTHUR
Listen ROMULUS, if the Sorcerer finds you have killed me, he will be- he will be furious!
ROMULUS
Rubbish! You're his prisoner!
ARTHUR
No no no, I'm his -
ROMULUS
Don't give me any of this "companion" bullshit. He left you here to die. If I hadn't found you -
ARTHUR
I was stuck in the flames and the people and they were- I didn’t even know he was going to be there and he offered me- It was... a... a... a friendly dispute, okay?
ROMULUS
A friendly dispute that resulted in a bandaged-up face? You expect me to buy that.
ARTHUR
You know what it's like... Maybe you have brothers, maybe?
ROMULUS
I do have a brother, yes.
ARTHUR
Good! Yes. And perhaps you squabble?
ROMULUS
All the time!
ARTHUR
All the time! And fight, yes?
ROMULUS
(LAUGHS) Yeah yeah!
ARTHUR
And to somebody on the outside it might look incredibly brutal?
ROMULUS
Yes!!
ARTHUR
But it's all just fun and games really?
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah!
ARTHUR
Yes!
ROMULUS
Well, I mean, I did end up killing Remus, but...
ARTHUR
You what?
ROMULUS
Didn't have a choice!
ARTHUR
No?
ROMULUS
No! He kept jumping over the walls!
ARTHUR
What walls?
ROMULUS
Really big and solid. Erecting those walls was an important moment. Demarcating the city. Symbolic! But the little prick keeps jumping over them to show how inadequate they are!
BEAT.
Can't have that.
ARTHUR
Quite.
ROMULUS
Can't look weak.
ARTHUR
So… so so so you killed him?
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah killed him.
ARTHUR
Quickly changing tack
So the brother thing was a bad example, but how about -
ROMULUS
Wait! Are you saying you and the Sorcerer are brothers?
ARTHUR
Um... Yes! Yes! That is exactly what I’m saying! We’re brothers!
ROMULUS
Damnit peasant, I will let you live.
ARTHUR
You will?
ROMULUS
Yes. I will not disrespect your brother.
ARTHUR
(SIGH OF RELIEF)
ROMULUS
I will leave the killing to him.
ARTHUR
Right.
(PAUSE)
ROMULUS
And. How long will he be?
ARTHUR
I have no idea.
ROMULUS
I... Tsk.
ARTHUR
But it might be a while, so we better find a way to pass the time. Fresh start?
ROMULUS
Grunts
ARTHUR
Please. Have a seat. Oh – but sword and sandals first! Outside! Please?
ROMULUS
I will place my sandals and my sword inside the door. Where I can see them. Okay?
ARTHUR
That seems a fair compromise. Though you broke the door so you can easily see them outside.
ROMULUS
In-side!
ARTHUR
Okeydokey...
(ROMULUS RELUCTANTLY PLACES HIS SANDALS AND SWORD BY THE DOOR, THEN SITS. THERE'S AN AWKWARD PAUSE BEFORE ARTHUR TRIES TO ENGAGE ROMULUS IN SMALL TALK)
ARTHUR
So you're a state leader?
ROMULUS
Yes. Yeah, Emperor, yeah.
ARTHUR
Impressive!
ROMULUS
And that's not all.
ARTHUR
No?
ROMULUS
I am a god, actually!
(PAUSE)
ARTHUR
A god?
ROMULUS
Yes, I am the son of Mars.
ARTHUR
The Roman God of War!
ROMULUS
Aye, ay-
ARTHUR
And you're his son!
ROMULUS
First born.
ARTHUR
Impressive!
ROMULUS
Remus and I were twins. But, uh, I came first.
ARTHUR
So is your mother a god too then?
ROMULUS
Eh, no. no.
ARTHUR
No? Mixed heritage?
ROMULUS
She was a... wolf.
ARTHUR
(CHUCKLES AND THINKS IT’S A JOKE… BUT IT’S NOT) Wolf?
ROMULUS
Yeah.
ARTHUR
Interesting. Do you still have any contact with... that side of the family?
ROMULUS
Well... no. No, no.
ARTHUR
No? You don't go see them at the holidays? Roam the forests a bit? Tear up a deer together. Howl at the moon?
ROMULUS
I have a country to run... I don't really take holidays.
ARTHUR
Ah yes, yes. Full time job.
ROMULUS
Yes, yes.
ARTHUR
You don't even see your family for... religious festivals or anything?
ROMULUS
Uhm… don't think wolves have got... religion.
ARTHUR
Really?
ROMULUS
(HUMS)
ARTHUR
Oh. I see. (PAUSE) Do you still speak wolf?
ROMULUS
Listen, is the Sorcerer going to be back soon?
ARTHUR
I'm sure. Would you like some dandelion water?
ROMULUS
Dandelion water?
ARTHUR
A druid taught me how to make it. It is most delicious. If you never had it before then you really should jump at the opportunity! (HE KEEPS TALKING, BUT ROMULUS OVERLAPS)
ROMULUS
(PROTEST) I'm good.
(LONG PAUSE)
ARTHUR
The druids really know what they’re doing and- (MORE, UNDER ROMULUS WORDS) you sure?
ROMULUS
Well twist my arm will you, I'll have a little bit.
(ARTHUR POURS SOME DANDELION WATER)
ARTHUR
Oh, I thought you really wanted me to twist your arm-
ROMULUS
I wouldn’t if I were you.
ARTHUR
(FLOUNDERS) There we are! Dandelion water.
ROMULUS
(SMELLS IT) I certainly smell the dandelions.
ARTHUR
Yes, they were freshly picked this morning.
(ROMULUS DRINKS)
ROMULUS
Oh, Ceres has blessed this drink! Oh that is nice!
ARTHUR
Oh my!
ROMULUS
What?
ARTHUR
Nothing, nothing. I just caught sight of my reflection in the water. I look... so… so mature!
ROMULUS
You look like a peasant!
ARTHUR
Quite.
(SILENCE. ROMULUS BURPS. EVENTUALLY ARTHUR BREAKS THE SILENCE WITH MORE SMALL TALK)
So, uhm. what brings you here?
ROMULUS
I will discuss that with the Sorcerer.
ARTHUR
Of course. How did you hear of the sorcerer?
ROMULUS
Rumors travel faster than the wind.
ARTHUR
Oh, yes yes. All the way to Rome?
ROMULUS
All rumors lead to Rome! I was told about the Sorcerer by an emissary from the Kushite empire!
ARTHUR
The Kushite empire?! Huh. I mean, I know he has travelled far and wide, but his name must have travelled everywhere!
(ROMULUS HUMS)
So how are things going? In Rome? Everything good? Everything hunkey-dorey
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah good. Everything hunkey and dorey! Good. Rome is the model empire, really. Strong leadership you know, provided by yours truly! That makes for a stable state. Lots of... stability. And strength. Military strength, makes people feel safe you know. And a solid economic situation. Nobody's got anything to complain about, so... Yeah. I'll be remembered forever, as the greatest leader there ever was and ever will be! So that's saying something. (LAUGHS)
BEAT.
And there's a lot of buildings, REALLY BIG buildings. Huge buildings. Looks amazing!
ARTHUR
That sounds great.
ROMULUS
You should come see it one day!
ARTHUR
I was planning to!
ROMULUS
Cool. Cool. Cool….
ARTHUR
Do you want a blanket? Are you-
ROMULUS
No, I’m fine, thank you. Cool…
(PAUSE)
Maybe you could show me around? I'm sure you're busy, but -
ROMULUS
interrupts
I might not be around.
ARTHUR
No? Of course. Off on a conquest?
ROMULUS
... Something like that, yeah.
ARTHUR
What are you planning to conquer?
ROMULUS
The world.
ARTHUR
Of course… Nothing less!
ROMULUS
Yeah, that was the plan. You'll be Roman soon! Everyone will be Roman! All romans!
ARTHUR
I can't wait! Will we get big buildings too?
ROMULUS
Yeah! Aqueducts! We're pretty good at that. Water and so on.
ARTHUR
Aqueducts! Brilliant! You've really made a difference over there, haven't you? Founding Rome!
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah everyone loves me!
ARTHUR
Everyone?
ROMULUS
Yes! Yes, absolutely everyone! Every single soul! For every day, every minute of the last 36 years, since the very moment I founded Rome, I have been the most loved figure in the world! So… It’s all love, all the time. (SNIFFS)
ARTHUR
Romulus...
ROMULUS
Yeah?
ARTHUR
Does absolutely everybody love you?
(ROMULUS FINALLY BREAKS. HE IS TERRIFIED OUT OF HIS WITS, TALKING FAST AND FRANTIC)
ROMULUS
They're going to kill me!!
ARTHUR
Who?
ROMULUS
My senators!
ARTHUR
What?
ROMULUS
They're plotting to murder me! Pluto have mercy! The whole lot of them, they're all in on it!
ARTHUR
Well that’s a- Why?
ROMULUS
Because I... No! Because they're a bunch of backstabbing, power-hungry, greedy bastards! And because they think that maybe every so often, I've been a little bit of a sort of a kind of... tyrant!
ARTHUR
(UNDERSTANDING) Ah. And… Why would they say something like that?
ROMULUS
(STUTTERING, ARTHUR ENCOURAGES HIM) I don't know! I've been perfect since like forever! I mean, the only reason I can think of is that maybe it's because when I gather the senate, I don't really let them decide anything, I just tell them what I've already decided. But they're really good decisions!
ARTHUR
And you don't see how… for a senate… that might make them a tiny bit angry?
ROMULUS
Well, I do now!
ARTHUR
How do you know that your senators are planning to kill you?
ROMULUS
One of my servants overheard them plotting. The whole senate is in on it! They've decided where and when and how!
ARTHUR
So what is their plan?
ROMULUS
It will happen at the Feast of Nonae Caprotinae.
ARTHUR
That is before the next full moon...
ROMULUS
All my senators flock around me. At first, I am meant to think it is a celebration and they are to lift me with jubilation to the skies! But then... they get knives out from under their tunics. And stab and stab and stab me, over and over and over!
ARTHUR
Oh my!
ROMULUS (CON’T)
But no one can see what is happening, because they are crowded so close around me. No one can witness the actual murder, and all the senators go free!
ARTHUR
Cowardly and clever.
ROMULUS
But that is not all!
ARTHUR
No?
ROMULUS
No, it gets more gruesome yet!
ARTHUR
Do tell!
ROMULUS
After stabbing me to death, they will cut me up! Cleave my bones, pull me asunder, then each hide a part of me under their robe to dispose of me in secret! They will even bring cloth to soak up my blood. When they disperse after the murder, they can all feign shock as I have seemingly disappeared into thin air! Never to be seen again... I won't even get a grave!
The Sorcerer. He has to help me! (WHISPERS) He has to help me. I don't want to die!
ARTHUR
And how do you think "The Sorcerer" can help you exactly?
ROMULUS
Isn't that obvious?
ARTHUR
Well, no? You want his protection? I mean he is very-
ROMULUS
I want him to bestow me with his gift!
ARTHUR
And what gift are we talking about.
ROMULUS
Life!
ARTHUR
-I don’t understand.
ROMULUS
The Sorcerer has bottled life! That is what the emissary from the Kushite empire told me.
ARTHUR
Bo- Bottled life?
ROMULUS
Yes!
ARTHUR
Life in a bottle?
ROMULUS
Yes!
ARTHUR
(LAUGHS) And you believed that?
ROMULUS
(SUDDENLY FEELING VERY FOOLISH)
I... Well... I... Worth a shot... You know... I... uh... Thought I'd see what all the fuss is about, and... uh...
ARTHUR
(MAKING FUN OF HIM, UNDER ROMULUS’ WORDS)
ROMULUS
So it doesn't exist?
ARTHUR
Bottled life?
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry Romulus, but no! I mean, life in a bottle! Life cannot be bottled and death cannot be beaten!
ROMULUS
(DEFLATED) Well. That's that then.
Beat.
Got to get going. I have a country to run, peasant.
ARTHUR
Wait wait wait, Romulus?
ROMULUS
Yes?
ARTHUR
You can't beat death -
ROMULUS
So you said -
ARTHUR
But you can escape it.
ROMULUS
What?
ARTHUR
I just had an idea...
ROMULUS
You! You had an- You're the servant!
ARTHUR
Would you like to hear it?
ROMULUS
No! Thank you!
ARTHUR
Well. Good luck with the stabby stabby chop chop then! Goodbye!
ROMULUS
Goodbye! Yeah! May Pluto bless your house with... wealth or whatever it is you peasants want.
ARTHUR
(SMUG) I hope he does.
(ROMULUS HEADS OVER TO THE DOOR, THEN STOPS)
Did you forget how to put your sandals on?
ROMULUS
No, no, just… stretching…
(STRETCHES)
Okay fine! Tell me this idea then.
ARTHUR
(HAPPILY) Remember when we talked of your face?
(ROMULUS COMES BACK AND SITS AGAIN)
ROMULUS
(WISTFULLY) Yes. My nose chiselled from the finest bluestone, my jawline sharper than a serpent's fangs.
ARTHUR
What if I told you, you could have a nose as petite as a pebble, and a jawline as soft as a bed of straw?
ROMULUS
Why would I want that? What good's a soft jaw and a pebble nose when I've got soldiers to intimidate, senators to intimidate, enemies to intimidate, ladies to intimidate, friends to intimidate, family to intimidate? Right?
ARTHUR
That's a lot of intimidating.
ROMULUS
Yeah! I'm an intimidating guy.
ARTHUR
Don't you get tired of it?
ROMULUS
Of what?
ARTHUR
Of intimidating! Of clinging to power.
ROMULUS
Gods yes…
Quickly catches himself
No.
ARTHUR
You are the founder of Rome! Isn't that enough of an achievement for one lifetime? Isn't it time for... a holiday?
ROMULUS
Look here servant, I don't expect you to understand, but in this line of work;
'The moment you slack,
you get stabbed in the back!' right?
ARTHUR
Yes literally! Which is why your only route out is with a new face!
ROMULUS
By the ears of Ceres! What are you talking about?
ARTHUR
Itthobaal is a master of changing faces. I speak from experience. This is not my nose!
ROMULUS
That is ridiculous!
ARTHUR
Oh, I see, I see? More ridiculous than bottled life?
ROMULUS
(OKAY OKAY!) Are you suggesting I flee?
ARTHUR
Hear me out. You said earlier that you will be remembered as the greatest leader ever, right?
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah, obviously. I founded Rome.
ARTHUR
Obviously. It seems very important to you how people perceive you.
ROMULUS
Oh, no, no, no, not really. I'm very humble.
ARTHUR
Romulus…
BEAT.
ROMULUS
I mean, maybe a little. A guy like me - a god like me - should get some respect and maybe be remembered, but -
ARTHUR
But at some point, there will be a successor, and how do you think your successor will talk about you? The new emperor of Rome will not want you remembered as the greatest leader ever. He will want to be seen as the greatest leader ever, and more significantly, as a better leader than you!
ROMULUS
Aw, shit, you're right! God, the people will hate me! He'll tell the people to hate me!
ARTHUR
You will be remembered as a tyrant! But more significantly - as a man.
ROMULUS
I'm not a man! I am a god!
ARTHUR
Well I know that! You’re half god, half lupine!
ROMULUS
Well - yeah. A god.
ARTHUR
So if you want to be remembered as a god, you need the death of a god!
ROMULUS
The death... of a god?
ARTHUR
You can't just slip away and disappear into the night! You must affirm your place in history, control your story!
ROMULUS
And how do I do that?
ARTHUR
Yes, that’s the question. How do you do that? The senators plan to murder you at the Feast of Nonae Caprotinae you said?
ROMULUS
Yes.
ARTHUR
Now, at the Nonae Caprotinae, I happen to know that there will be a solar eclipse.
ROMULUS
What?
ARTHUR
It’s when the moon will block out the sun and for a few moments, all will be plunged into darkness.
ROMULUS
How do you know that?
ARTHUR
Nevermind. But it is a very rare event.
CUT TO MONMARTRE CEMETERY.
ALVINA
Yes, how did you you know that? Seems a bit unlikely! Oh, you were bluffing?
ARTHUR
No no, perfectly true.
ALVINA
You can't just pull something like that out of thin air!
ARTHUR
The movements of the sun were something of a specialty of mine.
ALVINA
Really?
ARTHUR
We'll get to that... It's part of the next story...
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Of course.
ARTHUR
I'm about to tell you how we staged ROMULUS' disappearance. A disappearance for the history books!
ALVINA
I... I don't think I actually know how ROMULUS died...
ARTHUR
What? I'm disappointed in you Alvina! You haven't been reading your history books!
ALVINA
That's what I have you for, isn’t it?
ARTHUR
Indeed. Back to the story...
CUT BACK TO THE CAVE.
ARTHUR
We will use the solar eclipse! Ah! Do you ever survey your troops?
ROMULUS
Ah, yeah, yes, purifications!
ARTHUR
"Purifications"? That's what you call inspecting your troops?
ROMULUS
I don't just inspect them, if I see something I don't like, I -
(HE MAKES A "STABBING SOMEONE WITH A SWORD"-SOUND)
ARTHUR
(INTERRUPTS)
Never mind! Nevermind, I get the idea. Could you arrange for one of these "purifications" before the meeting with the senate?
ROMULUS
Sure.
ARTHUR
Great! Yes! We will time this to happen at the exact moment of the eclipse. You need to be wearing armor that shines so brightly in the sun it hurts the eyes! You have to look more distinguished and noble than ever done before in your life!
ROMULUS
I think this uniform is pretty good. It has seen me through many a battle -
ARTHUR
Yes, yes, yes, that's the problem! It's full of blood stains!
ROMULUS
Yes! They're- they’re marks of a brave soldier!
ARTHUR
But you're not a soldier.
ROMULUS
No, but they make me look strong in front of the lads!
ARTHUR
Bu-bu-but you are not just a strong man in front of some lads! You are a god!
ROMULUS
(GETS IT) Oh, yeah. Yeah.
ARTHUR
As you are inspecting the troops - looking better than anyone has ever looked before and will ever look again -
ROMULUS
Oh, I do like the sound of that.
ARTHUR
...there will be sudden, complete darkness. Now, in the darkness no one will see anything. Everyone will be confused. So, at this very moment, we can make you disappear by... let's see...
Crickety-crick, what's the trick?
Who came first, egg or chick?
(GASP!) Aha! I have it! I have it! You will disappear… in a cloud of fire!
ROMULUS
Fire, like... burning fire?
ARTHUR
Burning hot fire! What will people think when they see a cloud of fire?
ROMULUS
They'll think... they will think that there is a fire?
ARTHUR
They will think that Mars has returned to earth in his chariot to take his son to heaven! To be diefied as the war god... Quirinus!
Maybe Itthobaal could even dress up as your dad!
ROMULUS
... Quirinus?
ARTHUR
You need a god-name. Romulus is a wonderful name for an emperor, but for a god, it is…
(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)
I mean… But Quirinus, that sounds good, doesn't that sound good?
ROMULUS
Yeah, yeah, sure!
ARTHUR
Right before you vanish in the fire, you’ll need to say something to your men!
ROMULUS
What will I say?
ARTHUR
(IMPROVISING, WITH FLAIR AND APLOMB)
"It was the will of the Gods to be here among men for a time, and, after founding a city that is to become the strongest and most glorious in the world, to go back to heaven, from whence we have come! (ROMULUS CHUCKLES IN APPROVAL) Go now and tell the Romans that through temperance and spiritual strength they will reach the highest summit of human greatness, and I, the god Quirinus, will always be benevolent towards them!"
ROMULUS
Wow! Wow! Tingles! I mean- Wow!
ARTHUR
Goosebumps! Oh, this is fun! Do you like it?
ROMULUS
I do!
ARTHUR
And then Itthobaal will change your face.
Beat.
ROMULUS
And give me a... soft jaw?
ARTHUR
Yes! As soft as eiderdown! Oh, and you need to think, about what will you do in your new life?
ROMULUS
Well, I... I might settle down in the Carpathians. Be a shepherd, maybe. A soft-jawed shepherd...
ARTHUR
Wonderful. That’s a great choice. That's very different to being a sharp-jawed state leader. Why the Carpathians? Why sheep?
ROMULUS
Well you know who's drawn to sheep...
ARTHUR
Shepherds?
ROMULUS
No. I'd like to... One day I'd quite like to hopefully see a wolf.
(ROMULUS GETS UP)
Well, I should probably get going. I have some troops waiting for me on the other side of the forest.
(ROMULUS PUTS ON HIS SANDALS AND PICKS UP HIS SWORD)
ARTHUR
What was your pretence for bringing them here? A bit of conquering?
ROMULUS
Uh, they think I'm meeting a lady. So.
ARTHUR
smiles Ah you really are a wolf!
ROMULUS
Yeah, that is what they say!
ARTHUR
It has been a pleasure meeting you, Romulus! I have had so much fun coming up with this plan!
ROMULUS
Attention!
ARTHUR
Hail General Romulus!
ROMULUS
(CHUCKLES) You know, when they greet me like that, they kind of sound like sheep.
ARTHUR
One last thing...
ROMULUS
Yes? Yeah…
ARTHUR
Was your mother really a wolf?
Beat.
ROMULUS
No. She was a prostitute.
ARTHUR
I see.
ROMULUS
They're called "Lupae".
ARTHUR
Own your story.
ROMULUS
I should. Yeah.
ARTHUR
Safe travels, Romulus.
ROMULUS
You mean, Quirinus…
ARTHUR
Yes, love that name…
ROMULUS
I’m gonna be a shepheard…
ARTHUR
Yes…
(ROMULUS LEAVES)
(FAINTLY, FROM A DISTANCE, WE HEAR ITTHOBAAL HUMMING AS HE RETURNS)
(ITTHOBAAL ENTERS)
ITTHOBAAL
Earth stars, earth balls, puff balls, jelly ears, scarlet elf caps, what else… stinkhorns, shaggy shades - What happened to the door?
ARTHUR
Oh? Get some good mushrooms?
ITTHOBAAL
What ha- Maine?!
ARTHUR
Itthobaal.
ITTHOBAAL
You removed the bandages!
ARTHUR
What do you think?
ITTHOBAAL
A charming smile, an inquisitive eye, a dignified hairline… slightly quirky nose.
ARTHUR
Quirky?
ITTHOBAAL
Yes.
ARTHUR
You wouldn't say it's... forgettable?
ITTHOBAAL
What makes you say that?
ARTHUR
Oh... nothing.
ITTHOBAAL
It is a face that may be deemed forgettable if looked at in passing, but if examined closely it is full of the most remarkable detail! Yes… Given your predicament, I thought it better that way.
ARTHUR
You're right. Of course. Yes.
ITTHOBAAL
But Maine, what did you do to the door?
ARTHUR
Oh... Unfortunate accident... Do you happen to own a mirror?
ITTHOBAAL
Of course... I got one in Western Zhou.
(ITTHOBAAL PRODUCES A MIRROR FROM THE CORNER OF THE CAVE)
Here.
ARTHUR
Thank you… Oh - oh - oh! Oh, hello there!
ITTHOBAAL
So you... approve?
ARTHUR
I... I like it! I like it very much!
(ITTHOBAL LAUGHS)
(FACTUALLY) I look older.
ITTHOBAAL
(APOLOGETIC)
Oh, yes, well, I wanted to give you an air of confidence... self-assurance!
ARTHUR
(INTERRUPTING) No, no, no, it's good! I like looking so mature. Now I just have to live up to it!
(LAUGHS)
ITTHOBAAL
I am sure you can manage that.
BEAT.
Have you thought of a new name?
ARTHUR
Hmm.
ITTHOBAAL
You can no longer be Maine Moepirt Arthur Son of Athramail.
ARTHUR
What? But it's such a beautiful name.
ITTHOBAAL
You don't think it's a bit...
ARTHUR
What? A bit what?
ITTHOBAAL
Long?
ARTHUR
I'm very attached to it.
ITTHOBAAL
How about just Arthur then?
ARTHUR
Arthur.
ITTHOBAAL
Arthur.
ARTHUR
Arthur. I like it.
ITTHOBAAL
Good.
BEAT.
Will you stay with me for one more night before we part ways? We can dine on mushrooms.
ARTHUR
I would like that very much.
ITTHOBAAL
And then tomorrow, when the sun rises, you can set off to discover a new world with a new face!
ARTHUR
It feels strange... What will I do? Where will I go?
ITTHOBAAL
You are a young man. You have an adventurous spirit. I am confident you will find your path.
(PAUSE)
ARTHUR
Can I tell you something?
ITTHOBAAL
Of course.
ARTHUR
I just claimed you were my brother.
ITTHOBAAL
What?
ARTHUR
I know!
ITTHOBAAL
Wait... To whom did you claim I was your brother?
ARTHUR
Someone came to see you while you were out.
ITTHOBAAL
Someone? Who?
ARTHUR
A man. God. Wolf?
ITTHOBAAL
Arthur, is this another one of your stories? I would love to hear it. Maybe you can tell it to me while we wash the mushrooms.
ARTHUR
No no, this actually happened.
ITTHOBAAL
Are you sure, Maine?
ARTHUR
You mean, Arthur?
ITTHOBAAL
Arthur, yes. Someone came here?
ARTHUR
How do you think I would have got the bandages off without help?
ITTHOBAAL
Someone was here in the cave?
ARTHUR
Yes.
ITTHOBAAL
I do not know how I feel about this. There are many rare instruments and ointments here...
ARTHUR
I didn't let him touch anything. And I told him to leave his sword and sandals by the door.
ITTHOBAAL
So that explains the smashed down - sword and sandals?
ARTHUR
Yes.
ITTHOBAAL
A Roman?
ARTHUR
Yes. But not just any Roman.
ITTHOBAAL
Well?
ARTHUR
The founder of Rome.
ITTHOBAAL
Emperor Romulus?!
ARTHUR
Yes!
ITTHOBAAL
Huh. What did he want?
ARTHUR
He wanted eternal life!
ITTHOBAAL
Oh.
ARTHUR
I know! I told him that was ridiculous, can you imagine?
ITTHOBAAL
(LAUGHS) Yes... yes... ridiculous...
ARTHUR
Anyway, he wanted to kill me, so I had to make something up, and I told him we were brothers.
ITTHOBAAL
And that is it? Then he left you alone?
ARTHUR
Well. I may have made up some other things too...
ITTHOBAAL
What kind of things?
ARTHUR
I said you could give him a new face...
ITTHOBAAL
Really? Why does he want a new face?
ARTHUR
Disguise, yes. His senators are plotting to kill him.
ITTHOBAAL
Well, since my experiment with you has been so successful, I do not see why I would not be able to repeat it... I would enjoy studying a new face... Yes...
ARTHUR
Yes, ehm. I may have promised more...
ITTHOBAAL
Oh?
ARTHUR
I said we would make him die in a ball of fire.
ITTHOBAAL
What?!
ARTHUR
Not a real death, of course.
ITTHOBAAL
Arthur?!
ARTHUR
He is going to give a grand speech from his chariot and then seemingly ascend to heaven in a cloud of fire, just like a deity! I may have let my imagination run wild a bit...
ITTHOBAAL
A deity? A burning... How!?!
ARTHUR
Well... There is an eclipse. Combined with the time of year, thunderstorms are likely. So…
ITTHOBAAL
So the plan is... What? To pray to Jupiter for lightning to strike exactly where ROMULUS is standing?
ARTHUR
I admit the story lacks finesse. But I just had to make something up quickly! You know, to send him packing.
ITTHOBAAL
I see… So you do not intend to follow through.
ARTHUR
Well of course not!
ITTHOBAAL
Well. You know. It is entirely impossible.
ARTHUR
What?
ITTHOBAAL
To coax lightening to strike in a particular place.
ARTHUR
It isn't?
ITTHOBAAL
Lightning tends to strike the tallest trees. And it has an affection for metal. (INTERESTED ARTHUR IN THE BACKGROUND) One could maybe create some sort of lightning conductor and attach it to the chariot.
ARTHUR
Yes...?
ITTHOBAAL
And the ball of fire could then be … the chariot. If the chariot burns, the flames surrounding it will look like a ball.
ARTHUR
Yes!
ITTHOBAAL
But once we have this ball of fire, how do we make ROMULUS disappear without burning him to a crisp?
ARTHUR
Well -
ITTHOBAAL
Unless of course we build a fireproof cage inside the chariot, into which he dives after giving his speech.
ARTHUR
... Yes!
ITTHOBAAL
So I suppose it is possible. In theory.
ARTHUR
In theory.
BEAT.
ITTHOBAAL
In theory.
ARTHUR
But it would be madness. I mean... We would have to travel to Rome...
ITTOBAAL
We would have to travel anyway. Why not to Rome?
ITTHOBAAL
We can't stay here in any case.
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
ITTHOBAAL
Do you not realize what you have done?
ARTHUR
What? What have I done?
ITTHOBAAL
You have promised something to the most powerful man on earth.
ARTHUR
I suppose I have?
ITTHOBAAL
That give us two options...
ARTHUR
Yes...?
ITTHOBAAL
We travel to Rome and deliver on your ridiculous idea...
ARTHUR
Or...
ITTHOBAAL
(SHOUTS) Or we flee!
ARTHUR
I think you might be overreacting here, Itthobaal.
ITTHOBAAL
(OVERREACTING) Overreacting?! You do not swindle the emperor of Rome without consequences!
ARTHUR
He might not be a threat... I mean if the senators really do have their way...
ITTHOBAAL
And if they do not?
ARTHUR
Then... I suppose we would have a problem, yes.
ITTHOBAAL
Yes.
BEAT.
ARTHUR
So...
ITTHOBAAL
So...
ARTHUR
So...
ITTHOBAAL
We have to get to work. Building the chariot and crafting the lightning magnet and - !
ARTHUR
- sowing a gold tunic! Yes, yes!
ITTHOBAAL
Let me see... The rod will have to be higher than any surrounding buildings... I have a map of Rome somewhere that I acquired from a traveling bard...
(ITTHOBAAL SCRAMBLES AROUND LOOKING FOR HIS MAP. WE FADE OUT ON ARTHUR AND ITTHOBAAL FRANTICALLY PLANNING: OVERLAPPING)
ITTHOBAAL
As for the fire proof cage, it can not be made out of metal, it would get too hot. We do not want to boil ROMULUS alive in his own sweat. Wood is obviously out of the question, so which material should we go for? Ah, here is the map!
(BLOWS DUST OF IT, COUGHS)
I hope it is still accurate. I can update it once we arrive. The fire proof cage... Could we build it from some kind of stone? Porcelain stays cool in the sun, as does limestone and travertine. But stone would be very heavy... Wait! I know! Perhaps we could get hold of enough petrified wood! Petrified wood does not burn!
ARTHUR
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Can I do anything to help you? I don't know where anything is. Maybe the map is under here? No! Yuck. That's just mold. I can clean that up. Or did you grow it on purpose? It's hard to know with you. Maybe I should do something else. I can plan his new tunic. What kind of tunics do gods wear? It must be sewn from gold thread, that is a given. But perhaps it should be laced with silver thread? That might make for a nice shimmer in the light! As for the brush on his head, could that also be made of gold only? And where will we get all this gold from? We will have to ask for payment upfront...
MUSIC AND CREDITS.
PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Paul Waggot as Romulus, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski.
It was written and directed by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and Philip Thorne, with dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baaden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
The episode was recorded at The Sound Company Studio in London and RedP Studio in Vienna.
The only way we can keep producing this show, and make it available for free, is through the people who choose to support our work. So, if you listen to our stories regularly and they bring you joy, consider chipping in with a Patreon membership from just five dollars. In addition to helping us tell stories, you’ll get all new episodes a month early and without ads, get bonus content, and you can participate in our new community chat, where we discuss episodes and keep you in the loop about what’s happening behind the scenes. We have so many exciting plans for the future, but all that is only possible with your support, so please consider visiting ameliapodcast.com, clicking on support the show, and choosing a level of support that makes sense to you. Every pledge, no matter how small, is really appreciated.
As always a massive thank you to our magnanimous super patrons, at the time of recording that’s:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Mr Squiggles, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, DOCTORmas, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Mez, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Ent, The Slim Reaper, Maks Jaromin and DJ Goodall.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE.
ROME, SOME WEEKS LATER.
A FIELD OUTSIDE ROME. LIGHT WIND. SMALL FIRES HERE AND THERE STILL BURNING.
(ARTHUR SLAPS ITTHOBAAL LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.)
ARTHUR
Itthobaal? Itthobaal?
(ITTHOBAAL WAKES UP, CONFUSED. COUGHING)
ITTHOBAAL
What? Where am I?
ARTHUR
Rome. Don't worry. You're alive.
ITTHOBAAL
What happened?
ARTHUR
It all worked!
ITTHOBAAL
It did?
ARTHUR
Perfectly! The chariot looked magnificent!
ITTHOBAAL
(COUGHING) That is... great.
ARTHUR
Only... as the chariot drove off down the road, just as you jumped off to hide in the Temple of Minerva, the chariot set fire to the roof and in seconds the temple was all aflame and then the roof collapsed. With you, eh... caught inside. But don't worry! I pulled you out!
(ITTHOBAAL SITS UP, WAKING UP PROPERLY.)
ITTHOBAAL
You did what?
ARTHUR
I ran in and pulled you out! So you wouldn't burn to death!
ITTHOBAAL
You did not need to do that Arthur.
ARTHUR
Of course I did! I owe you that!
BEAT.
ITTHOBAAL
Thank you, Arthur. That was very brave.
ARTHUR
You are my brother. Remember?
ITTHOBAAL
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
(SERIOUS) Promise me you will never do it again.
ARTHUR
What? Save your life?
ITTHOBAAL
It was very foolish of you!
ARTHUR
I guess now we are quits.
ITTHOBAAL
Look! You are badly burned! Burns like that, they may kill you!
ARTHUR
I'm sorry. I know you were very proud of my new face -
ITTHOBAAL
Never mind your face. It will heal. As long as you survive.
ARTHUR
I don't mind some scars.
ITTHOBAAL
There will be no scars. Here, drink this.
(ITTHOBAAL GETS A VIAL FROM AROUND HIS NECK. THE CORK COMES OFF WITH A DISTINCT "PLOP".)
ARTHUR
Oh, water! That is perfect. My throat is really dry.
ITTHOBAAL
It is not water.
ARTHUR
Oh... I think I need water? Look, there is a ditch - !
ITTHOBAAL
That is sewage. Now drink this.
ARTHUR
What's in the vial?
ITTHOBAAL
Just drink it.
ARTHUR
I would like to know what it is!
ITTHOBAAL
You drank it once before!
ARTHUR
Yes! And this time I would like to know what I'm drinking!
ITTHOBAAL
Why?
ARTHUR
Because it tasted absolutely disgusting! In fact, if it's down to taste, I would rather drink the sewage!
ITTHOBAAL
(SIGHS) Arthur…
(DRAWS A DEEP BREATH) Arthur my brother... Do you have the patience to live another day? Patience to live through another tragedy, another failure? Another spreading fire, another collapsing roof?
ARTHUR
I think so?
ITTHOBAAL
This - these drops here - that is what they are.
ARTHUR
Patience?
ITTHOBAAL
Patience for your body. Not necessarily for your mind.
(PAUSE)
ARTHUR
(PIECING IT TOGETHER) Patience for your body... to live another day... It's like a riddle. Are you saying these drops would make me live and live and... never die?
ITTHOBAAL
You can still die. A mallet to the brain or a spear through the heart -
ARTHUR
Pull my beard and call me a bell! Are you talking about.... Prima Materia? So, Romulus was right?
ITTHOBAAL
I would never have offered this to Romulus.
ARTHUR
But you are offering me a chance to live forever?
ITTHOBAAL
Well...
ARTHUR
Oh, I don't know...! Do I want to?! Forever... That is a long time... How long do you think forever is? Would it feel longer than when you're waiting for water to boil? Or do you think it would feel as slow as wading through deep snow? Or perhaps it has the slowness of being constipated?
ITTHOBAAL
Arthur. The question is not whether you want to live forever. The question is whether you want to live tomorrow?
ARTHUR
Tomorrow?
ITTHOBAAL
Yes. Tomorrow.
ARTHUR
Well... yes!
ITTHOBAAL
Then drink.
(ARTHUR DRINKS)
ARTHUR
Oh, if I have to…. Okay…
(GAGGING) Blergh! Yuck!
ITTHOBAAL
It is good for you.
ARTHUR
It better be. Urgh!
Beat.
ITTHOBAAL
Do you feel better?
ARTHUR
No.
Beat.
Won't you have some?
ITTHOBAAL
No.
ARTHUR
I just pulled you out of a blazing fire - !
ITTHOBAAL
What are your plans after this?
ARTHUR
My plans? You mean... in life? Or like this evening?
ITTHOBAAL
I mean this evening.
ARTHUR
I would like to track down some actual water.
ITTHOBAAL
Do you have time for a story?
ARTHUR
I always have time for a story! Which story?
ITTHOBAAL
It is a story about a phoenix.
END OF EPISODE.