AMELIA’S APPRAISALS EPISODE 5 – AVALANCHE CUPBOARD
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Christopher Hudson who died in an incident involving Cap’n Crunch, melted chocolate, and a borrowed leaf blower. He has since returned, but Koslowski altered his appearance so extensively that even we cannot identify him. Christopher, if you’re out there, we found your other sock.
INTRO
Amelia’s Appraisals - created by Pip and Øystein, with music by Fredrik Baden and Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 5: Avalanche Cupboard.
THE HALLWAY OF THE AMELIA PROJECT - HR PERSON AND THE INTERVIEWER (AND JOEY AND SALVATORE)
WE PICK UP WHERE THE LAST EPISODE LEFT OFF. THE INTERVIEWER IS CAUGHT UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF STUFF.
INTERVIEWER
(MEEK) Help... Help... Help...
(LOUD) HEEEEEEEEEEELP!
(THE HR PERSON COMES OUT OF ALVINA'S OFFICE)
HR PERSON
Hello.
INTERVIEWER
A human! A rescue mission! Thank the cocoa gods! Do you have a Saint Bernard and a keg of whiskey?
HR PERSON
I'm afraid I don't.
INTERVIEWER
Just a smidgen of cocoa to help a poor fellow get his strength back?
HR PERSON
Unfortunately -
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... Are you going to help me out?
Beat.
HR PERSON
You opened the -
INTERVIEWER
- Avalanche Cupboard. I noticed.
HR PERSON
And now you're caught underneath -
INTERVIEWER
- an avalanche. Last time I was caught under an avalanche was in the
Adirondacks in Montana. An ice slide sent me right down the mountainside where I got trapped for four days under a mudslide which was subsequently covered by rockfall. I was in Avalanche Pass by Avalanche Lake right beneath Avalanche Mountain during avalanche season. I should have seen it coming. Could you please help me out? It is getting hard to breathe.
HR PERSON
I'd rather not.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
HR PERSON
I'm very happy with you being exactly where you are.
INTERVIEWER
But... You're the appeasal person aren't you?
HR PERSON
Appraisal. HR consultant. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Aren't you people all about health and safety and so on?
HR PERSON
I think this counts as "special circumstances".
INTERVIEWER
They're not that special! This is the third time I've opened this cupboard this week!
HR PERSON
How do I know I'm safe?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... you're not being crushed under a pile of heavy utensils?
HR PERSON
So far today I've been denied information, lied to, threatened and shoved through a door - twice.
INTERVIEWER
I have a very good team.
HR PERSON
But I've gathered this much: You people, despite all your peculiarities and antics, are very, very dangerous.
INTERVIEWER
Noooo...!
HR PERSON
And although no one has told me in clear words what it is that you do, from the various clues I've picked up along the way, I've figured it out.
INTERVIEWER
And?
HR PERSON
And I think it's better for me if you stay beneath that avalanche of mop heads and - what is that? Jack'o'lanterns?
INTERVIEWER
Painted bowling balls. We didn't have anywhere else to put them.
HR PERSON
I reckon you are the most dangerous person of all. You're the brains behind the operation. The one who plans everything. The one without a name. The one who decides which "clients" to take on. Isn't that right?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean if you put it that way - the brains - !
(COUGHS)
It really is getting hard to breathe...
HR PERSON
You are the head assassin.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
What?
HR PERSON
Head assassin. The main hit man - hit person - the number one killer. The murder manager. I don't know what you call it, but - even if you're not the one pulling the trigger, you're the one who decides who's in the cross-hairs.
INTERVIEWER
You think we - ?
HR PERSON
You're guns for hire. You take people out. Political assassinations. Business rivals. You're murderers.
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS LAUGHING. HE LAUGHS SO HARD IT HURTS. HE LAUGHS SO HARD THE AVALANCHE SHAKES AND COLLAPSES EVEN TIGHTER AROUND HIM)
INTERVIEWER
Ahahahaaha you think we aahahahahaha are assassins ouch my ribs ahaahahaha oh shit it's collapsed even more ahahahaha I really can't breathe now!
HR PERSON
This is funny to you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Listen, listen... we don't kill anyone. Only in self defense. But that's very rare. Or by accident. No, we... oh my! We fake deaths!
HR PERSON
You... what?
INTERVIEWER
Fake deaths! We are a death faking agency!
HR PERSON
You're kidding.
INTERVIEWER
No!
HR PERSON
But all this talk about remains and -
INTERVIEWER
Corpses? We use a lot of replacements.
HR PERSON
Replacements...
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
HR PERSON
But the gadgets with guns in them? That... Salvatore... he builds guns into everything!
INTERVIEWER
Force of habit. He's ex Cosa Nostra. Most of the time we load them with Jelly Beans.
HR PERSON
Are you serious?
INTERVIEWER
Always. Never. What's the right answer?
HR PERSON
So, I'm not in danger of - of annoying you and... ending up in a ditch?
INTERVIEWER
Worst case scenario you end up on Lesvos with a new name, a new girlfriend and a smashing haircut.
HR PERSON
I'm straight.
INTERVIEWER
After we're done with you, you might not be. Please - it really, truly is getting rather painful down here. Could you get Kozlowski for me? I think I need a doctor... Or a priest. Life is ebbing out...
HR PERSON
(SIGHS) I'll do you one better.
"At HR Agent, HR isn't just Human Relations, sometimes it's Human Rescue!"
INTERVIEWER
You'll get me out?
(THE HR PERSON WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY)
Wait - where are you going!? Help! Don't abandon me!
(DOWN THE HALLWAY, THE HR PERSON OPENS THE DOOR TO JOEY AND SALVATORE'S WORKSHOP. WE HEAR SALVATORE WELDING)
HR PERSON
Joey? Salvatore? Joey, wake up!
(SALVATORE STOPS WELDING AND OPENS HIS VISOR. JOEY WAKES UP)
JOEY
Us?
SALVATORE
Yes?
JOEY
Is it tomorrow?
SALVATORE
It's still yesterday.
JOEY
Aw, I was looking forward to tomorrow! I've never been to King Kong!
HR PERSON
I need your help. Your colleague is trapped.
(SALAVATORE PUTS DOWN HIS WELDER. HE AND JOEY COME INTO THE HALLWAY)
JOEY
(CONCERNED)
Did he open the avalanche cupboard again?
SALVATORE
(LAUGHS)
Idiota! That's the fourth time this week! I said that's not where I hid the twizzlers, but he doesn't believe me!
JOEY
I told him he needs to start reading the signs. And that's coming from me!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE START DIGGING OUT THE INTERVIEWER)
INTERVIEWER
Joey! Salvatore! Are you coming to my rescue?
JOEY
I brought the keg of whiskey! It's filled with Veuve Clicquot!
INTERVIEWER
You're the best Saint Bernard I know, Joey! Just the best!
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE - A MOMENT LATER - HR PERSON AND THE INTERVIEWER
(THE INTERVIEWER IS SIPPING A CUP OF COCOA)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you for getting Joey and Salvatore for me.
HR PERSON
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
And for making me a cup of cocoa.
HR PERSON
Not at all.
INTERVIEWER
It's not Les Deux Magots, but I appreciate the gesture. And the marshmallows. Though you really didn't have to ask Alvina to fill out that incident report...
HR PERSON
It had to be done.
INTERVIEWER
It really didn't.
HR PERSON
When there's a workplace accident -
INTERVIEWER
You don't understand. She's never done incident reports before. Now she's got a new form to fill in. She'll fill it in for every little incident, and in a matter of days we'll have to dig out a whole new basement to fit in all the new filing cabinets.
HR PERSON
She did seem very excited.
INTERVIEWER
She was already quite annoying, and I assure you, this is not an improvement.
HR PERSON
So. Death faking?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm... before we begin -
HR PERSON
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
This appeasal is sort of an interview, isn't it?
HR PERSON
Of sorts.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I'm used to being the one conducting the interviews.
HR PERSON
Today it's me.
INTERVIEWER
Could we - would you humor me - could we do it two ways? Ask every second question? I think that would put me more at ease.
HR PERSON
You'll be interviewing me whilst I'm interviewing you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! It'll be fun! Novel. A different day at work. Right?
HR PERSON
This day is already quite novel.
INTERVIEWER
Please?
BEAT.
HR PERSON
As long as you promise me I won't end up on Ibiza or wherever.
INTERVIEWER
Lesvos.
HR PERSON
I don't need a new partner. Or a new name. Or a new haircut.
INTERVIEWER
I agree with two out of three.
HR PERSON
What's wrong with my haircut?
INTERVIEWER
Two way interview? And I won't fake your death. Pinky promise.
HR PERSON
Fine. But I'll start.
INTERVIEWER
Deal.
HR PERSON
Death faking?
INTERVIEWER
What's the question?
HR PERSON
How is that - I mean - you've got several employees! Do you get enough work?
INTERVIEWER
Do we get enough work?
HR PERSON
Yes! How many people want to fake their death? Your very existence - it boggles the mind!
INTERVIEWER
Consider yourself boggled. Fake deaths are a lot more common than you think. A huge number of people want - need - new lives.
HR PERSON
considers
I guess there are people out there who want to escape a violent partner. Or dodge a prison sentence. Or cash in on insurance fraud.
INTERVIEWER
You're starting to get the picture. If you really think about it, you'll realise there are hundreds - thousands of reasons someone might want to close shop and start over.
HR PERSON
Wow.
INTERVIEWER
In fact, around one percent of funerals worldwide are actually fake.
BEAT.
HR PERSON
Come again?
INTERVIEWER
One percent. Of funerals. I'm not joking.
HR PERSON
That can't be!
INTERVIEWER
As true as me standing right here before you!
HR PERSON
One percent?
INTERVIEWER
It's a global average. Some societies have a higher figure, some lower. Honor based societies score very high, whereas war zones and indigenous tribes are at the bottom of the chart.
HR PERSON
I guess countries where people are generally happy must have a lower frequency. Like Scandinavia.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS)
The Nordic countries score a lot higher than you'd think! There is only so much "hygge" one person can take.
HR PERSON
But... I still can't believe that figure. One percent?
INTERVIEWER
How many funerals have you been to?
HR PERSON
In my life? Seven? Maybe eight?
INTERVIEWER
So chances are, you've not attended a fake one. Yet. However, if on average you attend one funeral a year - considering the number of funerals one has to go to tends to increase after the age of thirty -
HR PERSON
True.
INTERVIEWER
- by the end of your life you might have attended upwards of fifty funerals. At which point, the chance you've attended a fake funeral -
HR PERSON
- is fifty percent. You've just blown my mind. Again.
INTERVIEWER
It's a thriving industry.
HR PERSON
I'm amazed.
INTERVIEWER
How many ambidextrous people do you think there are?
HR PERSON
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Ambidextrous?
HR PERSON
I don't know... How many?
INTERVIEWER
One percent. How many people can sneeze with their eyes open?
HR PERSON
No one, surely!
INTERVIEWER
One percent. How many people do you think can wiggle their ears?
HR PERSON
Not many. I can.
INTERVIEWER
I noticed!
HR PERSON
I do it when I get surprised. So - you're about to tell me -
INTERVIEWER
One percent can do it. I, sadly, cannot do it. I really want to. I feel like I'm the kind of person who should be able to wiggle my ears. It fits my personality. But I can't. I've tried so hard! I even had Kozlowski try to give me wiggly ears! Three operations later, I still couldn't.
One percent isn't that much. When you think about it. But it's enough.
HR PERSON
Do you like faking deaths?
INTERVIEWER
Ah ah ah! It's my turn.
HR PERSON
Ok.
INTERVIEWER
Human Resources.
HR PERSON
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Why?
HR PERSON
Why...?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, why?
HR PERSON
Uhm...
INTERVIEWER
I get it, the question is too broad. Appeasals!
HR PERSON
You mean appraisals.
INTERVIEWER
Why? Dear Lord of Cocoa and Cookies - Why?!
HR PERSON
Well, to start with, it can be incredibly useful for a company to measure progress.
INTERVIEWER
Right...
HR PERSON
For example with long term clients I tend to implement quarterly inclusion surveys that track belonging scores across demographics.
INTERVIEWER
Uhu...
HR PERSON
We set targets for improvement and hold leadership accountable for results. Some companies publicly report their diversity data and inclusion metrics which creates transparency and accountability -
INTERVIEWER
(OVERLAPPING)
No, no, no, no! Stop! STOP!
HR PERSON
What?
INTERVIEWER
Please stop talking gobbledygook!
HR PERSON
I'm not -
INTERVIEWER
HR speak! It's more impenetrable than Sanskrit or... Akkadian! Or Danish! Even the Danish don't understand Danish! But HR speak...! Phew!
HR PERSON
OK...
INTERVIEWER
In three words. Why appeasals?
HR PERSON
It's appr - it doesn't matter.
INTERVIEWER
Three words.
HR PERSON
OK.
(THINKS)
Trust. Truth.
(THINKS MORE...)
Tether.
INTERVIEWER
Tether?
HR PERSON
I wanted to find another word with T.
INTERVIEWER
Why "tether"? What are you tethering? What's tethered to what?
HR PERSON
The employee to the company. The company to the employee. The management to the executive functions. The work practices to the company ethos. The payroll to your bank account for that matter!
INTERVIEWER
Huh. And tying all of these things together like a Gordian knot makes you happy?
HR PERSON
It's my turn.
INTERVIEWER
Touché.
HR PERSON
Your pre-appraisal form.
INTERVIEWER
Erghlll...
(THE HR PERSON PULLS OUT A SOGGY PIECE OF PAPER)
HR PERSON
It seems to have been crumpled up, dipped in cocoa, and then sprinkled with chocolate chips.
INTERVIEWER
It's more appealing now.
HR PERSON
I uncrumpled it earlier. Turns out that you had filled some of it out.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina said I could pretend it was a quiz. Quizzes can be fun. But I very soon realized that, contrary to a real quiz, giving all the right answers wouldn't land me a prize, it would...
HR PERSON
...land you in prison?
INTERVIEWER
If ending up in the wrong hands, yes.
HR PERSON
Perhaps we could unpack a few details now instead? Some of the answers were - well - let's say unclear.
INTERVIEWER
But not incriminating!
HR PERSON
They made absolutely no sense.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Well, we can unpack one detail, but then it's my turn again. So, choose your question wisely!
HR PERSON
When asked "Do you have any needs that are not met by your workplace?" you wrote "I miss Buttercup". What does that mean?
INTERVIEWER
Did you see that hallway? To get from my office to the break room I have to walk a mile! But if I had a new Buttercup - !
HR PERSON
What's a Buttercup?
INTERVIEWER
Buttercup isn't a what, she's a who. Buttercup was a mare.
HR PERSON
A horse?
INTERVIEWER
Is that so strange? In my younger days I used to have a horse! And she was the trustiest steed you'd ever meet. Stubborn, grumpy, contrary to a fault - but steadfast and surprisingly creative!
HR PERSON
You want a horse to ride from your office to the break room?
INTERVIEWER
Is that too much to ask?
HR PERSON
I'll make a note.
(PAUSE. THE HR PERSON DOESN'T MAKE A NOTE)
INTERVIEWER
Do you need a pen?
HR PERSON
It's your turn.
INTERVIEWER
Ooooh! It is... What is the strangest thing you have experienced as an HR consultant? Before today.
HR PERSON
Well, I once had to bail a CEO out of jail.
INTERVIEWER
White collar crime?
HR PERSON
What colour is the collar when a man is holding two escorts hostage in his hotel room with an unregistered Luger because they refuse to eat caviar off his body?
INTERVIEWER
Free caviar? Why did they refuse?
HR PERSON
Dietary restrictions.
INTERVIEWER
I think that's still considered white collar crime.
HR PERSON
I had one person put Satan down as her reference on a job application.
INTERVIEWER
Did you call Satan?
HR PERSON
I did not.
INTERVIEWER
You should have! He's a good sport. He'd tell you the truth.
HR PERSON
I once chased an employee's mother down the street. She was running butt naked, throwing classified documents into the air. I've turned a person in to the police for stealing all the copper wire in a building. Pulled it right out the walls, one room at a time, transported it out the main entrance in their lunch box. And early in my career, I had to become a certified phlebotomist.
INTERVIEWER
I didn't know botanists had to be certified?
HR PERSON
Phle-botomist.
INTERVIEWER
Working with phle-wers?
HR PERSON
I got certified to draw blood.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Eh - why?
HR PERSON
I hated it. Oh my gosh, I hated that! I'm kind of squeamish around blood. But I was young and ambitious...
INTERVIEWER
Why did you have to draw blood?
HR PERSON
HR services for a police unit. We had to draw baseline blood to prove the officers didn’t have blood born viruses before entering into a situation in which they could get exposed to disease.
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTED) For insurance purposes.
HR PERSON
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
I thought it was going to be exciting! You bring up blood, and then it's just about insurance. Can we go back to the naked mother with the classified documents?
HR PERSON
I had to make sure that incident didn't hit the news. It would have been very bad press.
INTERVIEWER
You're a fixer.
HR PERSON
Well...
INTERVIEWER
A clean up person.
HR PERSON
Sometimes, I guess... most of the time I do... audits.
INTERVIEWER
But you've been around the block.
HR PERSON
Once or twice. But never - never anything like this.
INTERVIEWER
You flatter me. But then you don't even get a story out of it to tell your next client.
HR PERSON
I don't. Signed that NDA, didn't I.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have another question? It's your turn.
HR PERSON
Is there anything you want to share?
INTERVIEWER
I don't think so.
HR PERSON
This is your time. Your opportunity. I'm here to hear your concerns, to help the company figure out how to make you thrive.
INTERVIEWER
You know, I think we're good. I feel very much at peace. Well done!
HR PERSON
At peace?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! The appeasal worked.
HR PERSON
You mean appraisal.
INTERVIEWER
Praise? I thought it was appeasal!
HR PERSON
No, appraisal.
INTERVIEWER
Well that's even better! I love praise! Please - give me some.
HR PERSON
thinks, then:
Even when you disclose facts, you reinforce the mystery.
INTERVIEWER
Oooh! That is the nicest thing anyone's said to me for ages!
HR PERSON
Do you have a final question for me?
INTERVIEWER
Are you sure you're happy with that haircut?
END OF EPISODE.
PIP
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Jen Austen as the HR agent, Stan Morris as Joey
And Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore.
It was written and directed by Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne and dialogue editing by Omer Mansano. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, who will die opening the avalanche cupboard, and come back as a whale wrangler off the coast of Nova Scotia.
Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. To find out more about their work, go to hragent.com
It would also not have been possible without our supporters on Patreon. If you’ve been listening for a while, you know that Patreon allows listeners to pledge a small amount per month, and in return you get our episodes early and without ads, as well as access to a big back catalogue of bonus series and videos, and access to our livestreams. Our Always Time For a Story Tier has been priced at 5 dollars ever since we started the show. After nine years, we’re finally adjusting for inflation, and raising the price of this tier, although if you’re already a patron, you will see absolutely no change, and you will remain at the amount you signed up for in perpetuity. Same goes for anyone who sings up between now and September 2026, which is when the changes will take effect. So if you want access to all the bonus content we’ve published over the course of nine years, get the next episode a week early, and support our work, this is the last chance to sign up at the legacy rate of 5 dollars. Go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast or visit our website at ameliapodcast.com for more info.
And now as always, a shoutout to our extravagantly generous super patrons, who keep the fictions flowing. At the time of recordings that’s:
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See you soon for the next episode.