AMELIA’S APPRAISALS EPISODE ONE – BONE SAW
PIP
Welcome to the new episode of Amelia’s Appraisals. Today’s episode is dedicated to Anonymous, who, despite extensive investigations, three private detectives, and a regrettable incident involving facial-recognition software at a garden centre, has successfully concealed their identity, and will one day vanish into the Alps under the assumed name “Robin,” selling novelty snow globes from the back of a suspiciously damp VW. As always, you can find more info on the Amelia team, our Patreon community and upcoming live shows, by going to ameliapodcast.com
Enjoy the show!
INTRO
Amelia’s Appraisals – an Amelia Project series created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with music by Fredrik Baden. Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent.
Episode 1: Bone Saw
EPISODE
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE - THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI
(THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER. WE CATCH THEM MID CONVERSATION)
KOZLOWSKI
...conducting a post-mortem on the living makes absolutely no sense. Post-mortem literally means "after death."
INTERVIEWER
She also likened it to a dentist's appointment.
KOZLOWSKI
How strange.
INTERVIEWER
It's called an appeasal. I think.
KOZLOWSKI
And who are we appeasing? A monster? A spectrum?
INTERVIEWER
The Union.
KOZLOWSKI
That seems unnecessary.
INTERVIEWER
Tell me about it.
KOZLOWSKI
And how do we appease them?
INTERVIEWER
By proving we know what we're doing, or some such nonsense.
BEAT.
I guess I could use the opportunity to figure out who put marbles in my M&Ms...
KOZLOWSKI
Probably the same person who dropped a bag of teeth into your popcorn.
INTERVIEWER
Maybe... I will suss them out...
KOZLOWSKI
So, you will be conducting this operation?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
And you want me to provide you with some tools?
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any ideas?
KOZLOWSKI
First, we will have to turn your desk into an operating table.
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
KOZLOWSKI
You can borrow my surgical light from the basement. We will mount it to the ceiling above your desk.
INTERVIEWER
So, they lie down on the desk... Then what?
KOZLOWSKI
I will also give you latex gloves, a gown, a face mask and a visor.
INTERVIEWER
You think it will get messy?
KOZLOWSKI
Better to be prepared.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, I'd rather not cut anyone open...
KOZLOWSKI
I do not think that will be necessary.
INTERVIEWER
Oh good.
KOZLOWSKI
Like the skilled torturer, you can tempt, tickle, prod and prize, without ever needing to make a cut.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh, this will be fun!
KOZLOWSKI
In my experience one should always start with the feet.
INTERVIEWER
The feet? Really?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, the feet. The path to truth runs through the feet. Ask each of them to describe their job. Then tickle their toes with an electric toothbrush and ask again.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not sure Salvatore will like that.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, we should attach wrist and ankle restraints to the desk, so nobody harms themselves, or others.
INTERVIEWER
That’s a good point.
KOZLOWSKI
Would you like a truth serum?
INTERVIEWER
You have a truth serum?
KOZLOWSKI
No, but I have a vapor of cocoa steam, sage, lavender oil, and just a hint of chloroform. I developed it to calm nervous clients before I work on their faces. But it works a bit too well and scrambles their judgment for a good twenty minutes.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
KOZLOWSKI
Once the warm confusing breeze hits their brain, they will believe anything you tell them. Even that it is a truth serum.
INTERVIEWER
Nice.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh oh oh! Would you like a bone saw?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I would. I mean I think so.
What for?
KOZLOWSKI
Give it a whir every time someone gives a vague answer.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, that’s brilliant.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes... So, who will be your first victim... I mean patient?
INTERVIEWER
Amelia. She's coming in half an hour.
KOZLOWSKI
We better get this office turned into an operating theatre then! Let us go to the basement and gather the tools.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, let's.
(CUT TO: AMELIA's OFFICE - AMELIA AND ALVINA)
(AMELIA AND ALVINA SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER. WE CATCH THEM MID CONVERSATION)
ALVINA
Appraisals? I honestly think that's not a bad idea.
AMELIA
Right? I'm kind of embarrassed it took the Death Fakers Union to suggest it.
ALVINA
I really like this new president, Khalim Faridi. He seems hellbent on dragging our industry into the 21st century.
AMELIA
God knows it can do with some shaking up. I mean we're still twirling fake moustaches and gluing on eyebrows with Pritt Stick, when the rest of the world is faking its life online in 4K.
ALVINA
Agreed. But back to the appraisals. What questions are you going to ask?
AMELIA
Well that's what I wanted to get your advice on...
ALVINA
Me?
AMELIA
You know how I trust your judgment, Alvina.
ALVINA
(FLATTERED) Ok... Well... How about... a pie chart?
AMELIA
Oh, I do like a pie chart.
(ALVINA GRABS A FELT TIP, AND WE HEAR HER SCRIBBLE A [PROBABLY PERFECT!] CIRCLE)
ALVINA
Use a pie chart to determine the proportion of targets met, versus partially met, versus missed.
AMELIA
Interesting. Go on...
ALVINA
So, for example, "met" would be like last month's Tamariz Beach Vanishing. Senhora do Rosário disappeared during a sunset boat tour, her obituary ran on time, and no one's seen her since.
AMELIA
Right. A straightforward, seamless disappearance.
ALVINA
"Partially met" would be a case like the Bristol Crematorium Switcheroo, which went flawlessly, until someone noticed the ashes were actually cocoa powder.
AMELIA
Or the Vienna Waltz Exit.
ALVINA
(GROANS) Yes, Anna Gruber's dance floor demise goes without a hitch, but then...
AMELIA
...she posts a photo of her new identity's lunch on her old Instagram.
ALVINA
Ugh! Have you seen this morning's Daily Mail?
AMELIA
No...
ALVINA
"Dead Famous: Deceased Influencer Stuns Fans with New Post."
AMELIA
Oh dear. Did you see the one in the Guardian? "The Rise of the Haunted Hashtag: Is Social Media Bringing Back the Dead?"
ALVINA
Yeah. They're all obsessed with how she tagged her risotto from beyond the grave.
AMELIA
I don’t blame them. Have you come up with a cover up strategy yet?
ALVINA
I was thinking of posting a statement from the grieving family saying: "We're aware of fraudulent activity on this account. Sadly, the deceased cannot comment." Then flood the feed with inspirational quotes, and quietly set it to private.
AMELIA
Yeah, good idea.
(SQUEAK OF A FELT TIP SCRIBBLE)
ALVINA
Anyway, back to our pie charts. "Missed" are the real disasters. Like the Paris Funeral Sneezing Incident...
AMELIA
Oh dear... René was hiding in the coffin, then hay fever struck during the eulogy!
ALVINA
Aitschoo!
AMELIA
Half the congregation fainted, the other half started clapping.
ALVINA
The priest canonised René on the spot.
AMELIA
I mean, he did get a new life of sorts... Last I heard he was leading a pilgrimage across Europe as "The Sneezing Saint." Every sneeze is now considered a blessing. People queue to be sneezed on!
ALVINA
So maybe that one wasn't a total disaster. Better example. The Filey Firework Fiasco.
AMELIA
WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THE FILEY FIREWORK FIASCO!
ALVINA
Sorry. Sorry sorry.... (AMELIA’S HEAVY BREATHING IN PANIC) Moving on.
In any case, I think the pie chart will give a quick, visual overview of how successfully targets have been achieved, and where there's room for improvement.
AMELIA
I think it's a great idea. And it's almost time for the first appraisal.
ALVINA
What time is it? Oh - I have to run too!
AMELIA
You're sourcing those plane tickets to Hong Kong for Joey and Salvatore?
ALVINA
That's done already. No, I have a meeting. A very exciting new contact...
AMELIA
Potential client?
ALVINA
Nope, someone who might bring in lots of clients!
AMELIA
Great. I'll see you later then. I better go down and do some appraising... I'll bring him a cup of cocoa to put him in a good mood.
ALVINA
Oh. Uhm... Don't you want to start with someone else? Joey maybe?
AMELIA
Why?
ALVINA
It's just... You Know Who can be so stubborn...
AMELIA
I can handle him! Besides, when we discussed it yesterday, he actually seemed fine about it.
ALVINA
Okay. Well, hope it goes well.
AMELIA
Thanks. See you later Alvina.
ALVINA
See you Amelia.
(CUT TO: THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE - THE INTERVIEWER AND AMELIA)
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(AMELIA ENTERS)
AMELIA
Hello - Jeez! What have you done with your office?
(SNAPS ON SOME LATEX GLOVES.)
INTERVIEWER
Good morning, Amelia.
AMELIA
And what's with the latex gloves?
INTERVIEWER
Would you like to lie down on the slab - I mean desk – No, I mean slab?
AMELIA
(UNDER HER BREATH)
Maybe I should have started with Joey after all.
INTERVIEWER
Is that... cocoa?
AMELIA
Yes, it's for you. Here.
(SHE HOLDS OUT THE CUP)
INTERVIEWER
Wait a minute... You never bring me cocoa!
AMELIA
Do you want it or not?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I do!
(HE TAKES THE CUP)
Thank you.
AMELIA
You're welcome. Now listen, I've been thinking, we should make a pie chart -
INTERVIEWER
There's pie too?
AMELIA
A pie chart. Do you know what that is?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
AMELIA
Are you sure?
(AS THE INTERVIEWER RAPID FIRES PIE TITLES, AMELIA TRIES IN VAIN TO STOP HIM)
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It's a chart listing all the pies in alphabetical order. Apple Pie, Banoffee Pie, Beef and Ale Pie, Blackberry Pie, Blueberry Pie, Chicken Pot Pie -
AMELIA
No no no -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Chocolate Cream Pie, Coconut Cream Pie, Custard Pie, Key Lime Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie -
AMELIA
Please stop.
INTERVIEWER
Mince Pie, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Rhubarb Pie, Shepherd's Pie -
AMELIA
STOP!
INTERVIEWER
Oh you're right Shepherd's Pie isn't technically a pie is it?
AMELIA
A pie chart -
INTERVIEWER
Steak and Kidney Pie, Strawberry Pie, Sweet Potato Pie -
AMELIA
(LOUDLY) A pie chart is a circular graph divided into slices, where each slice represents a proportion or percentage of a whole.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Well my one sounds a lot more scrumptious.
AMELIA
Please take this seriously.
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
The appraisal.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Yes. Let's get started. I'm looking forward to it.
AMELIA
You are?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I've been preparing all morning.
AMELIA
Really? Oh. How dedicated.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed. Now, don't worry, it will only tickle a little bit.
AMELIA
Tickle?
INTERVIEWER
Now take off your shoes.
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
And hop on the desk. Slab.
AMELIA
I'm not getting on your desk!
INTERVIEWER
How are we going to conduct an appraisal if you don't lie on the desk-slab?
AMELIA
What are you talking about?
INTERVIEWER
Listen. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
I'll ask one more time: Can you please lie down on the -
AMELIA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Very well.
(THE INTERVIEWER WHISKS SOMETHING OUT FROM BEHIND HIS DESK. A MECHANIC WHIR. THEY SHOUT OVER THE DIN)
Yeah, weren’t expecting that, were you?
AMELIA
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
INTERVIEWER
Bone saw.
AMELIA
Stop! Stop waving a bone saw in my face!
INTERVIEWER
Only if you take your shoes off and lie down!
AMELIA
Are you threatening me?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I mean no, I'm conducting an appeasal! Like you asked me to!
AMELIA
What? No! No no no no! Not you!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
I'm the one conducting the appraisal!
INTERVIEWER
You?
AMELIA
Of course! Anyway, you don't conduct an appraisal with a bone saw!
INTERVIEWER
Why would you conduct the appeasal?
AMELIA
Er, because I'm the boss?
INTERVIEWER
Er, yes, and who appointed you?
AMELIA
My grandmother.
INTERVIEWER
Well... yes, alright... but with my approval!
AMELIA
What's your point?
INTERVIEWER
We may have appointed you boss, but that doesn't mean you get to call the shots!
AMELIA
That's literally what that means!
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski and I founded the Brotherhood long before you, long before Martha Plum, long before -
AMELIA
But it's not The Brotherhood anymore, is it? It's The AMELIA Project.
INTERVIEWER
Well, maybe that was a mistake.
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Maybe we were better off before.
AMELIA
You don't mean that.
INTERVIEWER
What if I do?
(AMELIA RUNS AT HIM AND TRIES TO WRESTLE THE BONE SAW OUT OF HIS HANDS)
AMELIA
You pathetic pompous man! Do you know where you'd be without me? Without my grandmother? Do you know what would have happened if she hadn't found you and Kozlowski washed up on Phoenix Island? You wouldn't have survived one winter there! She gave you a new start, a new life!
INTERVIEWER
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Who do you think you're talking to? I'm 68.375 times your age! You pipsqueak! You whippersnapper! You annoying little mosquito, you! How dare you talk to me like that! I am this company!
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND ALVINA STORMS IN)
ALVINA
STOP IT BOTH OF YOU!
(AMELIA AND THE INTERVIEWER SPIN AROUND, STARTLED AND SLIGHTLY ASHAMED. THERE'S A WEIRD WHIRRING NOISE FROM THE BONE SAW AS IT GETS TANGLED IN AMELIA'S SCARF)
AMELIA
Alvina, where did you come from?
ALVINA
I was listening in at the door.
INTERVIEWER
Told you.
ALVINA
But even if I hadn't, the din is enough to wake Joey.
(JOEY ENTERS)
JOEY
What am I missing?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Joey, you’re awake.
JOEY
We're having a fight? Ooh! Let me get Salvatore!
(JOEY RUNS OUT, CALLING FOR SALVATORE)
(AMELIA GROANS)
ALVINA
Will you please switch that thing off! It's giving me a headache.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, alright alright... There we are, now there we are.
(THE INTERVIEWER SWITCHES OFF THE BONE SAW, THE WHIRRING STOPS)
AMELIA
Oh look at that, you ruined my scarf!
INTERVIEWER
Oh Amelia! It's all tangled! Your scarf ruined the bone saw!
ALVINA
Shut it, both of you!
(AS IF SHE'S TALKING TO TODDLERS) Now, take a deep breath and let's sort this out.
AMELIA
I don't like your tone, Alvina.
ALVINA
What tone?
AMELIA
The one where you sound like you're about to ask me if I need the potty.
INTERVIEWER
Yes Alvina, show some respect. Amelia is your boss.
AMELIA
I am. I am the boss.
INTERVIEWER
And I'm the founder.
ALVINA
Er...
AMELIA
Leave us alone please, we were having an important business meeting.
ALVINA
I thought you were conducting an appraisal?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but she wouldn't take off her shoes!
AMELIA
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Yes, but he wouldn't stop blabbering about pies.
ALVINA
I know. I heard everything. I was listening in, remember?
AMELIA
You really shouldn't -
ALVINA
You both have a point.
INTERVIEWER
I do!
AMELIA
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) I do!
ALVINA
And I actually think this argument reveals a fundamental problem...
AMELIA
What's that?
ALVINA
I mean, who is really in charge?
AMELIA
Me.
INTERVIEWER
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Me.
AMELIA
I hired you Alvina. I'm the boss.
ALVINA
Sure, but...
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
I don't know... I've always sort of felt Kozlowski was the real heart of the company.
AMELIA
KOZLOWSKI?
INTERVIEWER
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Itthobaal?
ALVINA
Think about it, the rest of us could be exchanged, but there's nobody who can do what he does. Without him, we wouldn't have a business.
AMELIA
Kozlowski could never be the boss. He rarely comes out of his basement these days.
ALVINA
You're a great boss Amelia, don't get me wrong.
AMELIA
Sucking up right after you stab me in the back? Nice try.
ALVINA
I wasn't stabbing you in the back! You're my friend.
BEAT.
Aren't you?
BEAT.
And that's what makes this difficult. We're friends. And colleagues. And sometimes... well, sometimes the hierarchies... Well, they might not be so well defined... so...
AMELIA
That's actually very well said...
INTERVIEWER
So... what?
ALVINA
So, I think these appraisals, well, I think they're -
AMELIA
They're pointless, I get it.
ALVINA
No no no, I actually think they're very necessary.
AMELIA
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
But then who conducts them? Her or me?
ALVINA
Well that's the thing...
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
Er... You might not like this...
INTERVIEWER
You?!
AMELIA
I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. You're the newest employee.
ALVINA
Well actually, Joey and Salvatore are the newest employees, but -
INTERVIEWER
Well actually, Luke Dougal is the newest employee.
ALVINA
Oh yes, I always forget about Luke... rattling chains out there in the Hellpark... But, no, I wasn't suggesting myself.
AMELIA
Then who?
ALVINA
None of us.
AMELIA
I thought you said appraisals are a good idea?
ALVINA
Yes, but if they're going to be useful, we need an objective outside eye.
INTERVIEWER
An outside eye?
ALVINA
I said you wouldn't like it.
AMELIA
You're suggesting we bring in someone from the outside?
ALVINA
Yes. A professional.
INTERVIEWER
A professional torturer?
AMELIA
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) You really haven't understood what an appraisal is, have you?
ALVINA
An HR person.
INTERVIEWER
HR?
ALVINA
It stands for -
INTERVIEWER
Human Remains?
ALVINA
No -
INTERVIEWER
Haunted Relatives? Ham and Radishes? Hot Ravioli?
ALVINA
Human Resources.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
ALVINA
HR is responsible for employee relations, workplace policies, and creating a positive company culture.
AMELIA
I know what HR is, Alvina.
ALVINA
Well, there are external agencies you can bring in to help with specific issues.
AMELIA
Sure, but we can't just hire in some outside agency, can we?
ALVINA
Why not?
AMELIA
Because what we do is secret!
ALVINA
We swear them to secrecy! You know, like with the plumber who fixed the downstairs toilet and found three fake passports and a rubber hand wedged behind the U-bend.
INTERVIEWER
We are good at bribery...
AMELIA
And NDAs...
INTERVIEWER
True. After Kozlowski started tattooing those under peoples's feet, the number of leaks has really gone down.
AMELIA
Every time you put on your socks - there it is.
ALVINA
I really think that by bringing someone in, we might learn a lot about ourselves and the company.
AMELIA
Very well. I want a list of the very best agencies on my desk by tonight.
ALVINA
I'm on it.
AMELIA
I'm not saying I approve.
INTERVIEWER
Neither do I.
AMELIA
But it's worth considering.
INTERVIEWER
And then shredding. And then shredding the shredder. And then sinking the shredder that shredded the shredder to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. And then shredding the boat that brought the -
ALVINA
(INTERRUPTING)
Just keep an open mind. We might be able to make some useful changes that will make us happier and more productive.
(NOISE COMING DOWN THE CORRIDOR. IT SOUNDS LIKE CHEERING...)
AMELIA
What's that?
ALVINA
Er...?
(A CRASH OF GLASS AND PORCELAIN AS JOEY AND SALVATORE RUN DOWN THE CORRIDOR, SWINGING BASEBALL BATS)
INTERVIEWER
I think it's -
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND JOEY AND SALVATORE STORM INTO THE OFFICE)
SALVATORE
Where's the fight? Where's the fight?
JOEY
We're joining in!
INTERVIEWER
Good lord, he sleeps for a week, then enters the office with a baseball bat...
SALVATORE
(SWINGING HIS BASEBALL BAT)
Take that!
(HE SHATTERS THE DESK WITH HIS BAT. MAYHEM)
INTERVIEWER
(SQUEALS) Good Lord the desk!
AMELIA
NO BASEBALL BATS IN THE OFFICE!
JOEY
Come on, come on, come on!
(THE INTERVIEWER ACTIVATES THE BONE SAW. LOUD WHIR)
ALVINA
No, no, not the saw again!
INTERVIEWER
It's self defense!
SALVATORE
Take that! And that!
JOEY
Whooohaaaa!
AMELIA
Alvina, can you get the Katana sword from my office please?
(ALVINA SIGHS)
SALVATORE
Scared?
INTERVIEWER
Me? Are you joking? Come here if you dare...
(WE FADE DOWN ON A SCENE OF CHAOS)
END OF EPISODE.
PIP
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Alan Burgon as the Interviewer
Julia Morizawa as Amelia
Julia C. Thorne as Alvina
Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski
Stan Morris as Joey
And Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore
It was written by Philip Thorne and co-directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager. Dialogue editing by Omer Mansano. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. Alvina was recorded at Lovetraxx Studios, engineered by Stefan Heil.
The Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, died while attending an invitation-only alpine wellness retreat focused on silence, mineral immersion, and emotional exfoliation when a cryotherapy yodeling exercise ended in tragedy.
Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com nor without our magnanimous patrons! If you want to become a patron and get the next episode a week before the regular release, along with a whole host of bonus stuff, head over to ameliapodcast.com com and click on support the show. While you’re on our website, why not book a ticket for one of our upcoming live shows? ameliapodcast.com for more details.
Our super patrons at the time of recording are:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Courtney Mays Rensen, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly, Merlock20, PostmasterGeneralKwanSentMe, Cheryl Downey-Eber, Nina Korzeniewski, Eli, Katherine Joiner, Selwyn Justice, jchooey,
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