EPISODE 36 - PROTEIN BAR
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Hello everyone, we're back with a new episode and as always, we want to start by thanking all those kind people who make this show possible. Our patrons! Our patrons pitch in with a few dollars per episode and it ensures that we can pay the actors and designers who work on the show. Today's episode is dedicated to Stefanie Weittenhiller from Vienna, who has been a regular patron for a while and recently she very kindly increased her pledge to become a super-patron. So Dankeschˆn f¸r deine super liebe Unterst¸tzung, Stefanie, this episode is dedicated to you, and your dog Bon Jovi! Enjoy the show.
PROLOGUE
A SMALL, CONFINED SPACE.
AMELIA
(WAKING UP WITH A START)
Oh god. Urgh... Oh, I feel... drowsy. (SHE FEELS AROUND, SOUND OF TOUCHING FABRIC, GROANS) Where am I? Urgh... It's dark. Ugh... I can hardly move. What's this -
AMELIA FINDS A LIGHT SWITCH. CLICK.
AMELIA
Ah! Too bright! Everything is white, I can't see anything!
SHE TURNS THE KNOB.
AMELIA
Oh good, these lights dim... That's better.
ALVINA
(FROM SOME WAY AWAY, THROUGH A WALL, GROANING)
Urgh... Urgh... (KNOCKS ON WALL, TWO TIMES) Amelia? (KNOCKS AGAIN, TWO TIMES) Amelia, is that you?!
AMELIA
It's me! Where are you?
ALVINA
I'm in a... weird little room?
AMELIA
Me too! It- It's like a- a capsule.
ALVINA
That's ... odd. I can't remember going to bed in a ... capsule. Did we drink last night?
AMELIA
Not more than usual, I don't think... Wait, what was yesterday again?
ALVINA
Ugh. My head hurts.
AMELIA
There's this ... thing right in front of my face... I think it's a screen. And a set of speakers.
ALVINA
These walls are draped in... silk. Are your walls draped in silk? Hey, is this a karaoke room? Uh, I can do "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Don't remember the words, but I know the melody.
(ALVINA LOUDLY HUMS "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART", THEN STOPS SUDDENLY.)
ALVINA
Oh - ooh! - (EXCITED) maybe we're in a Japanese pod hotel! Amelia, can you remember if we booked any trips to Japan?
AMELIA
I don't think so?
ALVINA
It's very snug in here.
AMELIA (CON'T)
But my mind is a bit hazy.
ALVINA
I might go back to sleep.
AMELIA (CON'T)
The last thing I remember is being in a car - and we were on a dirt road... And I think there was a bus and... (TRAILS OFF) then I can't remember.
ALVINA
Everything else is so nice, why is this pillow so lumpy?
AMELIA
I'm hungry. Alvina, are you hungry?
ALVINA
Ooh! Heh, not anymore. I just found a ... (SURPRISED) protein bar under my pillow.
AMELIA
Ooh. Maybe I have one too- (STOPS ABRUPTLY) Wait a minute. Did you say protein bar?
AMELIA FINDS A PROTEIN BAR. SHE SUDDENLY REALIZES.
AMELIA
Oh... Shit!
ALVINA
(EXCITED) I have several protein bars! Huh! No wonder the pillow was lumpy.
AMELIA
Shit, shit, shit!
ALVINA
(MUCNHING A PROTEIN BAR)
Why are you swearing? It's the fancy kind, with cranberries!
AMELIA
Alvina! I know where we are!
ALVINA
Do you? How? Do you have a window? Ah! Unfair!
THE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM TURNS ON. SOFT TV-SHOP MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALVINA
Hey, my TV just came on! Did your TV come on?
AMELIA
Hush!
MATEO
(ON THE TV, OVERLY FRIENDLY)
Hi there! How are you feeling? Still a little sleepy? Well, don't worry, it does wear off.
ALVINA
What an ugly man...
AMELIA
Alvina, shush! And... get your act together!
ALVINA
I feel sick. I might have a concussion...
MATEO
Now figure this: Your death has just been faked! I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience. (CHUCKLES, THEN DROPS THE CHEERFUL ACT) Haha! Ah, what am I saying! As if I care. (CHEERFUL AGAIN) Anyhow, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Mateo, and I have the pleasure of wishing you a very hearty welcome to The Incognito Project!
AMELIA
(DEADPAN) Motherfucking shitballs.
(TV MUSIC FADES INTO THEME TUNE)
INTRO: The Amelia Project created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music by Fredrik Baden. Episode 36. Protein Bar.
THE INTERVIEW
AMELIA TRIES TO FORCE OPEN THE COFFIN LID.
AMELIA
(HITS THE COFFIN LID AND CAN BE HEARD DOING SO THE ENTIRE TIME) Argh! Argh! Argh! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!(FRUSTRATED GROAN)
MATEO
(ON THE TV)
Here at The Incognito Project we are dedicated to the welfare of our clients - (AMELIA KEEPS STRUGGLING) and kidnappees, the two can blur sometimes.
AMELIA
Argh! (KEEPS HITTING THE LID) Why - won't - this - lid -- open?!
MATEO
To ensure that your fake death is as comfortable as possible, we are proud to introduce the next big thing in death fakery: The Smart Coffin! How are you finding yours? (THE STRUGGLING STOPS, AMELIA IS OUT OF BREATH)
AMELIA
Locked!
MATEO
I hope the mattress is soft enough for you ñ (EITHER IGNORING OR NOT HEARING HER)
AMELIA
(FRUSTRATED) It's too soft, my back hurts!
MATEO (CONíT)
...it's eiderdown. (NOT HEARING HER)
AMELIA
(ANGRY, SPITS HER WORDS) Bah!
MATEO (LAUGHING)
Only the best is good enough for our customers.
AMELIA
Is this- Is this prerecorded?
MATEO (CONíT)
(QUIETER) And also those in involuntary captivity.
AMELIA
(SHOUTS) HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME? Argh! He can't hear me. Damn! I have a thing or two I want to say to that guy!
ALVINA
(DROWSY)
Yeah, (YAWNS) like that tie really doesn't go with that shirt...
(ALVINA FALLS ASLEEP SNORING.)
AMELIA
(FURIOUS) How dare he kidnap us! How dare he!
MATEO (CONíT)
Now the Smart Coffin has more state of the art features than just a soft mattress! In addition to the complimentary oxygen tanks, back massage technology, retractable mirror ball and broadband -
(FAST)
- note that some internet content is restricted such as e-mail, messaging boards and social media -
(NORMAL SPEED AGAIN)
- you can also enjoy our fully functional entertainment system! The hard drive is pre-loaded with all ten seasons of Friends and the best thirteen films starring Jean Claude van Damme!
AMELIA GROANS LOUDLY.
MATEO
If I might suggest "Sudden Death" that stars Jean Claude van Damme as Darren McCord, a retired fire fighter who must stop the terrorists that have kidnapped the vice president at the Stanley Cup Finals. And not only that... there's even a built-in game!
AMELIA
I hope it's Tetris. At least I like Tetris...
MATEO (CONíT CHEERILY, ADVERTISEMENT-TONE OF VOICE)
It's everyone's favorite Frog! Frogger! See if you can cross that road!
AMELIA
Frogger? Really?
MATEO
Finally, if you're hungry you'll find some delicious protein bars under your pillow. The posh kind. If you're here for a short stay you'll find one or two. If we've planned a slightly longer stay for you, there'll be three or four.
AMELIA COUNTS HER PROTEIN BARS.
AMELIA
One, three... sev... (STOPS COUNTING)
MATEO
I think that's it.
AMELIA
Nine?! What? How long are you planning on keeping us here?!
MATEO
Now just lean back and relax -
AMELIA
Wait a minute... What's this button?
MATEO
- and let us take care of your upcoming reapp- (STOPS SUDDENLY, SURPRISED) Whoa!
AMELIA
Hey there!
MATEO
Give a - (HE GETS INTERRUPTED BY AMELIA)
AMELIA
You little piece of shit! You snivelling worm of a man -
MATEO
Oh, how the hell (DISTRESSED, NO LONGER CHEERFUL) - that feature is supposed to be turned off!
AMELIA
What, the feature that lets me talk back?
MATEO
Yeah!
AMELIA
(FURIOUS)Well, too bad, you can hear me now! And before you say anything I just want to point out that you are a pockmark of a man, you are a pathetic excuse for a death faker, it's people like you who give our industry a bad name -
MATEO
Damn, these new drugs have some horrible side effects!
AMELIA
What?
MATEO
The drugs. They're not supposed to make you ñ ghghghgh (IMITATES HER ANGER) - like this! They're supposed to knock you out. Look, here on the bottle, side effects: Headache. Doesn't say anything about turning you into a raging maniac.
AMELIA
Have you considered that I might be acting like a "raging maniac" because you (LOUD) KIDNAPPED ME?
MATEO
Hey, hey, hey, relax! It's not that bad! You're not dead.
AMELIA
Are you sure? Because this is hell.
MATEO
Are you not a fan of Friends? Are you more of a Seinfeld person?
AMELIA
Oh for god's sake...
MATEO
You know what, Fair is Fair, I do owe you an apology.
AMELIA
Really? Only one?
MATEO
I never gave you a proper interview.
AMELIA
I seem to remember you trying, and me planting a dart very close to your hiney.
MATEO
Well, I seem to remember focusing a lot on The Amelia Project, and not so much on the project ... Amelia. (CHUCKLES) So what do you say we do that right now? (MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED) Just get a pen... (BACK IN THE CONVERSATION) Now, why do you want to fake your death?
AMELIA
I don't!
MATEO
But if you did?
AMELIA
(FRUSTRATED) This is ridiculous...
MATEO
Is it because your company is on the run from MI5? Or is there another, more personal story lurking somewhere out there in the background... (SURE OF HIMSELF) OK, let- let me guess. You never wanted this job, right? You only took it because- because of your grandmother. But now you're tired of running the family business. You want to live your dream! Take up ballet classes or become a world champion in darts! Ehm, am I close?
AMELIA
Not remotely.
MATEO
Ah! Come on... You hate your life at least a little bit!
AMELIA
Why don't you wring that sour dishcloth you call a brain one more time and see if you can squeeze out another asinine theory?
MATEO
(CHUCKLES) Then let's move on to the actual disappearance! I'm afraid it's too late to let you choose, but I hope you're happy with the one we chose for you!
AMELIA
(SARCASTIC) The one that gave me a splitting headache and landed me imprisoned in a coffin? Yeah, sure, that was great.
MATEO
Come on! You don't want to know how we pulled it off, just a little bit?
AMELIA
Not really.
MATEO
Oh come on! Ask me! Please ask. Please! Please. (IN VERY QUICK SUCCESSION) Please please please please please please please please please please please please please!
AMELIA
(DESINTERESTED)So that you can brag about it? I prefer not to.
MATEO
(EXCITED SOUNDS) I'm gonna tell you anyway! It was precise and inconspicuous and had a real - ooh - vintage quality. Bus crash! Hah, right? A classic Incognito Project disappearance.
AMELIA
Classic Incognito Project?! Hardly! Last month you sunk a 200 foot luxury yacht just to fake the death of one deckhand! That is classic Incompetent Project!
MATEO
Eh - Incognito Project...
AMELIA
(FAKE INNOCENCE)Did I misspeak?
MATEO
Well, the bus crash was ingenious! You remember the matÈ you bought at the roadside-stand? Yeah, we spiked it! Got you there, right? Easy-peasy-soursop-squeezy! Then it was just a matter of ramming a bus into your car hard enough for you to almost die, but not so hard that you actually died. The drugs, that we gave you, made your bodies limp, which softened the blow. After we extracted you, we set fire to the car to make it look like it exploded in the crash, so when they pulled out your replacement corpses from the wreckage, they were smoked and charred like a- a Texas brisket, you know? Yihaa! Pow pow pow!
AMELIA
You could have killed us you moron!
MATEO
Well, we didn't did we?
AMELIA
(SPITS OUT THE WORD)Amateur!
MATEO
Am I...? Think about it! Ask me how we found you! Hm? How did I know you were in Panaragua?
AMELIA
Fine, how did you find us?
MATEO
Check your blazer pocket.
AMELIA CHECKS HER POCKET.
AMELIA
Your business card.
MATEO
There's a tracker in it.
AMELIA
(EXASPERATED SIGH) How did you know I wouldn't throw it away?
MATEO
"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." I gambled. On your predictability.
AMELIA
(QUIETLY) Damn it.
MATEO
(CHUCKLES) It was lucky that you ended up here though! Made things a hell of a lot easier for us. Ah. We- we specialize in South-America, remember?
AMELIA
What do you want?
MATEO
Same as before. Your surgeon.
AMELIA
I told you, he's not for sale.
MATEO
You are surprisingly stubborn!
AMELIA
How long are you planning on keeping us in these coffins?
MATEO
Oh, I was in this for the long haul. I was going to keep you for as long as it took me to track down your surgeon -
AMELIA
Was?
MATEO
Yeah. You're lucky, actually. Because if you spend too many weeks in a Smart Coffin, your muscles can start to atrophy... You know Kevin, my assistant, he spent- (AMELIA INTERRUPTS HIM)
AMELIA
What do you mean "was going to"? What's your new plan? Are you going to kill us?
MATEO
No! I'm not a barbarian. I don't know about (MOCK-TONE OF VOICE)The Amelia Project, (NORMAL AGAIN) but at The Incognito Project, we have standards.
AMELIA
So... what do you want? I don't understand.
MATEO
Well, I've just gotten a hold of your surgeon. So now all you have to do is wait for him to wake up.
AMELIA
You have Kozlowski?
MATEO
Yeah. Duh. Wait, what did you think? As soon as he's conscious I'll get him to sign our contract, and then we'll negotiate salary, annual leave, 401K, free bagel Fridays in the break room, and then he'll get right to work on- on your face!
AMELIA
My face?
MATEO (CONíT)
So by the time he's done you'll be completely unrecognizable, and you can be safely released to your new life. So, that's - oh, right, of course, almost forgot, we're doing your replacement interview! Right? And where would you like to resurface?
AMELIA
With a fist full of darts up your behind.
MATEO
(SARCASTIC) Ooh! Not currently available. Do you have a second choice?
AMELIA
As a road worker, scraping your intestines off a sidewalk.
MATEO
(SARCASTIC)I feel like you're not taking this seriously.
AMELIA
(WITH EMPHASIS)Oh, I'm serious.
MATEO
Oh, hey! How about I place you on that quinoa plantation we talked about? Lot's of sun and exercise. All the ancient grains you can eat, you know? Oh, those quinoa trees, they don't grow themselves, you know!
AMELIA
Quinoa doesn't grow on trees, you idiot!
MATEO
Tree, bush, plant, whatever. I'm sure you're gonna be very happy there.
AMELIA
Screw you!
MATEO
Okay. Well, you have a lovely little rest, now! Try watching an episode of Friends, maybe it'll loosen you up. I recommend "The one with Chandler in a box". That's a good one.
THE TV TURNS OFF.
AMELIA
Cantankerous rat.
ALVINA
(WAKING UP WITH A START)
Uh... Did I sleep through the whole program?
AMELIA
(SIGHS, THEN, IN A MATTER-OF-FACT TONE) Alvina. We've been kidnapped.
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
By The Incognito Project.
ALVINA
Oh... Oh!
AMELIA
And they've got Kozlowski.
ALVINA
Kozlowski's here?
AMELIA
I don't know how, but they say they've got him. They're just waiting for him to wake up.
ALVINA
Well, he did knock himself out pretty good before we left...
AMELIA
That's ages ago! Maybe they drugged him when they kidnapped him.
ALVINA
I didn't think anyone else's drugs worked on him?
AMELIA
(EXASPERATED SIGH) At least now we know where he is.
ALVINA
So... what are we gonna to do?
AMELIA
I don't know. This is so frustrating! Above our heads geopolitics are waiting for us! Meanwhile we are forced to watch Friends on repeat! We were in the middle of a revolution for Pete's sake ñ (SUDDENLY REMEMBERS) Shit! Perez! And Savannah!
ALVINA
Damn! (SUDDENLY REMEMBERS TOO) We were on our way to Monterosa! Ugh, it completely slipped my mind!
AMELIA
It's those goddamn drugs they gave us.
ALVINA
We were drugged? So I'm not hung over then.
AMELIA
You might be, I have a vague recollection of drinking too much Vino Tinto in a makeshift bomb shelter.
ALVINA
What do you think happened to Perez and Savannah?
AMELIA
I don't know. I dread to think about it...
CUT TO:
AN AIR FIELD.
GUARD
(FRIGHTENED, SHAKING) He looks angry.
ANT
I think he is angry.
GUARD
Is he going to kill me?
ANT
He's executed people for less.
GUARD
(EVEN MORE FRIGHTENED) I just gave him bad news!
ANT
I know.
GUARD
I'm just a palace guard! (PLEADING) I'm not important! I'm a henchman! We're thirteen to the dozen! There's no need to kill me! I don't make a difference!
ANT
Which makes it all the easier to get rid of you. I'd get out of here now, if I were you.
GUARD
I think I will...
THE GUARD SCAMPERS.
JULIO
(LOUDLY) Where did he go?
ANT
I don't know.
JULIO
(LOUDLY) What impudence! Telling me that (SPITS IT OUT) Pablo Perez Garcia is dead?!
ANT
I thought you wanted Perez dead.
JULIO
(WITH FORCE) I do!
ANT
So why are you -
JULIO
Nobody asks me questions!
ANT
Sorry -
JULIO
(STILL SHOUTING) But you are right. I am furious! Because I! Was going to be the one to kill him! (CALMER) Apart from that... I'm extatic!
ANT
(HESITANT, CONFUSED) Uhm...?
JULIO
Pablo Perez Garcia is dead! He is dead! (SHOUTS, GETTING LOUDER WITH EVERY WORD) He! Is! Dead!
(LAUGHS, THEN SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
Insect man: We're going to the palace!
ANT
I'm not sure that's wise. We should consult with the Kremlin first!
A HELICOPTER STARTS UP.
JULIO
Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 doesn't consult with anyone - not when there's a war to be won!
ANT
But... (STAMMERS) I really don't think we should, should- shouldn't we at least call Boris to let him know that-
JULIO
Now get into the helicopter! I am about to take back my country!
(ANT SIGHS)
CUT BACK TO:
THE SMART COFFINS.
ALVINA
I'm really worried about Perez and Savannah. Do you think The Incognito Project have killed them?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Well, they don't need them, so...
ALVINA (CONíT)
But if they have... there'll be no revolution! Without a leader, there's no guarantee the rebels will manage to beat the military or take over the palace! There's no one to stand on the balcony and declare victory.
AMELIA
Which means that psychopath Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of nineteenseventy-sugartit will continue to sodomize this country for all eternity! We've failed! We had a job and we failed.
ALVINA
I don't like saying this, but... (WITH EMPHASIS)fuck!
AMELIA
Everything is so completely messed up right now. I don't think it can get any worse.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
MATEO
(ON THE SCREEN)
Hello? Yeah, hi. What is this bullshit?
ALVINA
Hi there.
AMELIA
What?
MATEO
(HAS TROUBLE STAYING CALM, FORCED)Oh, so you're awake now? Great. Well then maybe one of you can explain to me why this goddamn surgeon of yours won't speak?
ALVINA
Because he's knocked out?
MATEO
He woke up you moron! But he won't say anything and it's driving me crazy!
AMELIA
I see.
MATEO
Get him to talk!
AMELIA
I can't.
MATEO
Then you - plain Jane - you get him to talk!
ALVINA
My name is Alvina.
MATEO
No. Your name is "I'm the best in the world at getting this surgeon to talk, or else my Jean Claude van Damme privileges will be withdrawn"! Come on! What's the code word?
ALVINA
If Kozlowski doesn't want to talk, we can't get him to talk. Kozlowski does what Kozlowski wants.
MATEO
Well, all he does is stare at me with those big, blue eyes of his and it's unnerving!
AMELIA
(INTERESTED) Mhm?
MATEO
And then he plays with that tacky golden python in his ear... All the time, just fiddles with it, fiddles with it... (ON THE VERGE OF LOSING PATIENCE) Drives me crazy.
AMELIA
Did you say "golden python"?
MATEO
(TO PEREZ IN THE BACKGROUND)
Hey! Stop it! I said don't touch that! Knock it off! (TO AMELIA AND ALVINA AGAIN)Argh, he's not listening to me! Is he deaf?
AMELIA
No, no, no, he's not deaf...
MATEO
The python is sickeningly tacky! But not as sickening as that missing ear! (DISGUSTED) Urgh! Gross! Ugh, stop showing me your ugly ear you -
MATEO MOVES TOWARDS PEREZ AND AWAY FROM THE CAMERA. STEPS CAN BE HEARD
Okay. Hey. Look. I'm not gonna shoot you, probably, but what I will do... Okay. Ah! (SOUNDS OF CLOTH RUSTLING, EFFORT IN HIS VOICE) Here we go, here we go, now you're tied to the chair, how do you like that, huh?! I wanted you to sign a contract, but you can't sign a contract with your arms tied behind your back now can you?!
AMELIA
Alvina... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ALVINA
Maybe...?
MATEO
Now I'm gonna pull that ugly orange bandana down over that ugly ear - like that! Now I can't see that screwed up hole in your head anymore. Just- Just stay there! (HIS STEPS CAN BE HEARD AGAIN)
MATEO RETURNS TO THE CAMERA.
MATEO
So - ladies. (VERY SLOWLY) How. The. Hell. Do I. Get him. To talk?
AMELIA
I have one idea.
MATEO
Yeah? Great! What?
AMELIA
You could try to brighten his mood.
MATEO
Sorry, what?
AMELIA
He might be a little moody. You should cheer him up.
MATEO
And how do I do that?
AMELIA
Try playing some Ed Sheeran for him.
MATEO
Ed Sheeran? Ginger, glasses, head, kind of looks like a Thanksgiving Day Parade Float-Ed Sheeran?
AMELIA
Yeah.
BEEP.
ALVINA
(EYE-ROLLING) Amelia...
AMELIA
(FEIGNED INNOCENCE) Yes?
ALVINA
What did you just do?
AMELIA
I don't know.
ALVINA
Was that a good idea?
AMELIA (CONíT)
But I don't have too much to play with here.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
ON THE CAMERA, IN THE BACKGROUND, WE CAN HEAR PEREZ SHOUTING AT MATEO ABOUT ED SHEERAN IN SPANISH.
MATEO
(ON CAMERA, VOICE VOLUME LEVEL INCREASING)
Hello?! Yeah, you! Fuck you! The bastard spat in my face! And he speaks Spanish! And he hates Ed Sheeran! You hear this? And he's not your god damn surgeon is he? Okay. Listen here. You're gonna be in those coffins for a very, very long time. And when you run out of protein bars, I am going to replace them! With the cheap version that's just palm kernal oil, syrup and very low quality raisins! And your TV privileges are cut! Completely! Only Frogger from now on! And you're gonna stay in those coffins until I find your actual surgeon. And- And I don't care if it takes me a... a... century! That's a hundred years! You are grounded! Huh. (SIGHS) I am very disappointed in you!
BEEP.
ALVINA
I don't think it was a good idea.
AMELIA
At least now we know Perez is alive.
ALVINA
Still...
AMELIA
Actually, I think this is great.
ALVINA
Great? What is great?
AMELIA
Mateo doesn't realize who he's captured. He truly doesn't know who Perez is. Which means he doesn't know what we're involved in.
ALVINA
So?
AMELIA
So, he isn't about to come up with some messed up plan. Right now, Mateo is only focussed on finding Kozlowski. For the time being, that gives us leverage.
ALVINA
How?
AMELIA
I have a plan. We just need to get out of these coffins. Now I've tried kicking the lid, but brute force won't do it -
ALVINA
(HESITANT) Uhm, Amelia...
AMELIA
Yes?
ALVINA
I sort of hesitate to say this -
AMELIA
What? Oh. Don't tell me you've got a Swiss Army Knife in your pocket? I mean do! Do tell me you've got a -
ALVINA
Not quite. It's... something even... better.
AMELIA
Well, what is it?
ALVINA
Approximately two inches above your hip, can you feel a screw in the sideboard?
AMELIA
(FEELS AROUND, CLOTH RUSTLING) Yes?
ALVINA
Okay, now, just over that screw, can you feel a small crevice in the wood?
AMELIA
Uhm... Yes. (SOUND OF FINGERS SCRAPING ON WOOD) I think so. It's very slight.
ALVINA
Good. Good, uhm... Try to slide your nail into the crevice.
AMELIA
What are you ñ (ALVINA INTERRUPTS HER)
ALVINA
Just do it, please.
AMELIA
I'm doing it.
ALVINA
Good. (SOUND OF WOOD CRACKING) Just keep going until it stops.
AMELIA
Sure.
ALVINA
And then just a little bit further.
AMELIA
I -
ALVINA
You have to push a bit.
A CLICK FROM AMELIA'S LID. ANOTHER FAINTER CLICK FROM ALVINA'S LID.
AMELIA
What just happened?
ALVINA
We should be able to slide the lids open now.
THEY BOTH SLIDE THEIR LIDS OPEN AND CLIMB OUT. (SOUNDS OF STRETCHING)
THE SOUND CHANGES. WE ARE IN A MEDIUM SIZED UNDERGROUND ROOM WITH CONCRETE WALLS.
AMELIA
Alvina!
ALVINA
Amelia!
THEY EMBRACE.
AMELIA
Good to be out of that thing.
ALVINA
Although the coffin was at least warm. (SHIVERING) This basement is really cold -
AMELIA
Alvina. How the hell did you know about that -
ALVINA
Emergency latch? I... may have... designed it.
AMELIA
Sorry?
ALVINA
(QUICKLY) It's a very important feature, in case something goes wrong! It was very unprofessional of The Incognito Project not to mention it -
AMELIA
You designed it?!
ALVINA
Uhm... Yes.
AMELIA
What the hell are you talking about?!
ALVINA
Kozlowski and Salvatore weren't that fussed, but I insisted for the sake of health and safety -
AMELIA
Are... Are you saying you and Kozlowski and Salvatore have... worked for our competitor?
ALVINA
Do you remember that time when we had no money and you were angry because a certain you-know-who had spent too much on a disappearance?
AMELIA
Which one of those times? That happens every second week!
ALVINA
Well, we temporarily took on some consulting work.
AMELIA
For The Incognito Project?
ALVINA
We were in some really bad debt at the time.
AMELIA
Why didn't you come to me?
ALVINA
Because you came to me!
AMELIA
Uh. What do you mean -
ALVINA
You came to me with a terrifying looking bank statement and said: "Just sort this out! I don't care how. You can pimp out Joey for all I care."
AMELIA
Ah... That time. I do remember saying that.
ALVINA
Well, aren't you happy to know our income didn't come from pimping out Joey?
AMELIA
I suppose I'm glad you didn't actually consider prostituting one of our henchmen, yes.
ALVINA
It wasn't so much not considering it as nobody wanting himÖ But still! It worked out great! Kozlowski got to test his idea - I mean, Smart Coffins! Right? And we got some revenue and everyone is happy -
AMELIA
Did Mateo know he bought the idea from us? Oh, God this is embarrassing...
ALVINA
Of course not. I set up a subsidiary company. It was called "Falsa Mortem Consultancy".
AMELIA
(UNDERSTANDING) And sold the drawings to The Incognito Project...
ALVINA
Who followed the blue prints exactly! Well, apart from the entertainment system, there was supposed to be an X-box in there -
AMELIA
But why sell it to those idiots? Why aren't we using the Smart Coffins?!
ALVINA
Amelia, come on! Smart Coffins? It's an idiotic idea! Practical, efficient, sure, but it has no flair. The first time, maybe, but after that it's just routine. We're better than that.
AMELIA
You sound like him.
ALVINA
Yeah... I'm quoting him actually. Kozlowski and I presented the idea to him way before the consulting work. Then we never did anything with it, so when we suddenly got a chance... (AMELIA INTERRUPTS HER)
AMELIA
Look - there's another coffin! Quick!
AMELIA RUNS OVER AND STARTS SEARCHING THE OUTSIDE OF THE COFFIN.
AMELIA
Is... Is there a safety latch on the outside?
ALVINA
Let me.
ALVINA TAKES OVER. CLICK. THEY SLIDE THE LID OFF.
AMELIA
Savannah! Savannah, wake up!
THEY START SHAKING SAVANNAH.
SAVANNAH
(SOUNDS CONFUSED) What... What is going on? Where are we? Did we miss the revolution?
AMELIA
I sincerely hope not. I have no idea what day it is, never mind what time it is. They took my phone.
ALVINA
(SCOFFS) Mine too.
SAVANNAH
That's OK, I have mine.
AMELIA
What? Why didn't they take yours?
SAVANNAH
They did. But they forgot my smart watch. Let's see -
ALVINA
(SURPRISED)You have a smart watch?
SAVANNAH
Yes, why wouldn't I?
ALVINA
I don't know, I just thought -
SAVANNAH CLIMBS OUT OF HER COFFIN.
SAVANNAH
Lady, catch up! We're in the twenty-first century. The revolution will be televised, and revolutionaries have smart watches. Let's see.. (IN SPANISH) Oh, good, (IN ENGLISH) we haven't been here long. Just a few hours. There is still time to get to Monterosa. Where's Perez?
AMELIA
This guy, Mateo is holding him hostage.
SAVANNAH
Where?
AMELIA
We don't know.
ALVINA
I think I know... (WHISPERS) Listen! Above us!
THEY FALL SILENT. SOMEWHERE ON A FLOOR ABOVE THEM PEREZ IS SINGING "EL ASCENSO DE LA JUSTICIA"
END OF INTERVIEW
MUSIC
CREDITS: We hope you enjoyed today's episode. In today's episode, you heard about Alvina setting up a subsidery company to sell the plans for the Smart Coffin. We will be telling that story this coming Saturday, the 15th of May, as part of our next Cocoa Corner video livestream. We will be performing a sketch called "Falsa Mortem Consultancy" featuring the Interviewer, Alvina and Mateo. We'll also be revealing the winners of our Patreon Caption Competition and as always, we'll give you behind the scenes updates and you'll have the opportunity to ask questions. The Cocoa Corner will be available live or on replay for all five-dollar-patrons. To join our Patreon community, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on "Supoort the Show". Stay tuned for the Epilogue, but first, the credits: This episode was written by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Fredrik Baden. It featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Josh Callahan as Mateo, Alex Scott Fairley as Ant, Alvaro Florez as the Guard, James Carney as Julio, Federico Tujjilo as Pablo Perez Garcia, and Lory Martinez as Savannah. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions, with graphic design by Anders Petersen. Thank you to all our patrons and a special shoutout to our Super-Patrons, Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Travis Kirton, Amelie Harris, Rushabh Shukla, Stefanie Weittenhiller, to whom this episode is dedicated, and hello and thank you to our two new super patrons, Chloe Lefferman and Elizabeth Currey. For transcrips, merch, Amelia news and ways to support us, visit ameliapodcast.com.
EPILOGUE
WE'RE WITH PEREZ AND MATEO.
PEREZ IS SINGING "El ascenso de la justicia" LOUDLY AND PROUDLY.
MATEO IS PACING AND BREATHING NERVOUSLY.
MATEO
(FRUSTRATED) Oh, oh, PLEASE! Stop singing!!! I'm trying to think! ARGH!
END OF EPISODE