AMELIA’S APPRAISALS EPISODE 7 – KILLER CLOWNS
PIP
Amelia’s Appraisals - created by Pip and Øystein, with music by Fredrik Baden and Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 7: Killer Clowns
(RIDE: TO HELL IN A HANDCART - HR PERSON AND LUKE DOUGAL & THEME PARK ATTENDANT)
(THE HANDRAILS ON A ROLLER COASTER ARE PULLED DOWN)
THEME PARK ATTENDANT
Remember: Hands inside the cart at all times. Unless you don't like your hands...
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
(THE RIDE STARTS ROLLING ALONG THE TRACKS. AT FIRST, IT GOES QUITE SLOWLY)
HR PERSON
I can't believe I agreed to this...
(THE RIDE IS PULLED AROUND A CORNER. A GHOUL HOWLS)
I'm in a Handcart to Hell in the most dangerous theme park in the world. In Cumbria!
(THE CART IS DRAWN UP A STEEP ASCENT, TICKING SLOWLY TOWARDS THE TOP.)
HR PERSON
Now where are you? I hope you're planning to get me out of this thing. I hate normal roller coasters. This one has flame throwers, snake pits, chain saws and "surprises". According to the sign outside. If the chain saws aren't the surprises, what on earth are the surprises? HELLO! Where are you?!
(A POOF AND LUKE APPEARS IN A BALL OF SMOKE LIKE A MAGICIAN)
LUKE DOUGAL
Hello!
HR PERSON
(COUGHS)
Oh my gosh! Where did you come from?
LUKE DOUGAL
Hell.
HR PERSON
Well, now that you're here, can we get out?
LUKE DOUGAL
No.
HR PERSON
Why not?
LUKE DOUGAL
Because we're taking the ride! The Handcart to Hell roller coaster is my favorite ride in the entire park. And I don't often get to go these days.
HR PERSON
You know, I had to sign a form to enter the park...
LUKE DOUGAL
Everyone does.
HR PERSON
Agreeing not to sue. Then all the warning signs. The park is littered with them.
LUKE DOUGAL
(SIGHS)
Didn't used to be that way... When we opened, there was the form, and that was that! These days they write warnings on... on the paper coffee cups! Have you noticed?
HR PERSON
"Caution: Hot contents."
LUKE DOUGAL
(OVERLAPPING)
"Caution: Tarantulas in drink." Where's the fun in that?
HR PERSON
Tarantulas...?
LUKE DOUGAL
What about the jump scares!
HR PERSON
So... we're doing the ride.
LUKE DOUGAL
We are.
(THE RIDE HAS REACHED THE TOP AND SUDDENLY DROPS DOWN AT AN INSANE SPEED)
HR PERSON
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
LUKE DOUGAL
Duck! Duck, goddammit or you'll loose your head!
HR PERSON
Oh man oh man oh man!
(LUKE DOUGAL LAUGHS)
(THE RIDE FLATTENS OUT)
HR PERSON
My head - is it still there?
LUKE DOUGAL
Sounds like it.
HR PERSON
Why are there swinging scythes on the way down?!
LUKE DOUGAL
Your neck's fine.
HR PERSON
Heh... Eh, so... I understand that you are... a ghost?
LUKE DOUGAL
I am.
HR PERSON
Or rather pretending to be.
LUKE DOUGAL
I speak to humans so rarely these days, I'm not even sure anymore. Can't leave, you know.
HR PERSON
But... if you're supposed to be a ghost, how can you meet me right here on a ride? Why not meet in - eh - Blood Manor - where you live? There must be secret rooms or -
LUKE DOUGAL
Because this is more fun!
(THEY SWERVE THROUGH A SNAKE PIT, SNAKES HISSING AND BITING)
HR PERSON
Ahhhh! Snakes! Fiddly fitbit in a fudging f-aaaaah!
LUKE DOUGAL
(GRITTED TEETH)
Stop swearing!
HR PERSON
Like you care!
LUKE DOUGAL
(GRITTED TEETH)
Close your mouth! They're trained to go for the tongue!
HR PERSON
(SCREAMING, WHILST CLOSING THEIR MOUTH LIKE THEIR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT)
(THEY'RE CLEAR OF THE SNAKES)
LUKE DOUGAL
I love it when people's tongues swell up! Big, blue tongues hanging out of their mouths. Trying to order a mucus-slushee at the Blood Bath Burger Joint.
(MIMICS HAVING A SWOLLEN TONGUE)
Thluthee! Thluuu-theeee!
(LAUGHS)
But it would be inconvenient for this conversation.
HR PERSON
Here, on a ride, people can see you?
LUKE DOUGAL
There's no one else here. You're here early.
HR PERSON
I keep early hours. But we're caught on camera!
LUKE DOUGAL
What? The CCTV?
(LAUGHS)
Amelia had that girl - Lorraine - help me hack into the system. We installed a video scrambler.
HR PERSON
What is that?
LUKE DOUGAL
It's genius, is what it is! I can't be caught on tape!
HR PERSON
How come?
LUKE DOUGAL
The system recognizes my face, and automatically erases me whenever I appear on screen! So on the CCTV, it looks like you're talking to no one! Empty space! You look crazy right now!
HR PERSON
How... clever.
LUKE DOUGAL
Isn't it? Tilt left!
HR PERSON
Sorry?
LUKE DOUGAL
Left! Now!
(A MACHINE GUN FIRES AT THEM AS THEY WHIZZ PAST)
HR PERSON
Ahhhhhh!!! Flaming frogballs!
LUKE DOUGAL
It's not real bullets, it's dummies. But at 4,000 feet per second that really hurts.
HR PERSON
Ehehehe...!
They're clear of the fire.
HR PERSON
So - eh - you're an employee of the Amelia Project?
LUKE DOUGAL
Employee, sub-contractor... I don't know. I didn't read the paperwork.
HR PERSON
But you're happy with the arrangement?
LUKE DOUGAL
They bring me groceries, I consult on designs. It's all good.
HR PERSON
So you're an engineer then?
LUKE DOUGAL
I'm an artist.
HR PERSON
Sorry, artist, of cou-ahhh!
(AN AXE IS RAMMED INTO THE CART. AGAIN AND AGAIN)
No! No! Stop it! Bad man! Bad man! Bad! Man! Stop it!
LUKE DOUGAL
The mad lumberjacks. Do you like them?
HR PERSON
No!
LUKE DOUGAL
The axes are real. The beards are not.
(THEY'RE OUT OF THE WOODS)
HR PERSON
So... you help build contraptions? Assist Salvatore with altered vehicles and upgraded tools?
LUKE DOUGAL
Sure. I've helped him make a jet-powered hospital cart and a nutcracker that infused nuts with chloroform. But I do lots of other kinds of stuff.
HR PERSON
Like what?
LUKE DOUGAL
Umbrellas where the ribs are blades.
Kinder-eggs filled with poisonous frogs. Built a falling facade once, Buster Keaton-style.
HR PERSON
The one where he stands right where the window is?
LUKE DOUGAL
Mine was designed to miss. I created Mr. Gruffby's self-combusting suit. Tailored it myself. I do a mean satin stich, I tell you. Got my own version that I call Satan Stitch. Oh! And one of my proudest feats: When I helped Kozlowski figure out how to make Senor Pellegrino melt from the feet up!
HR PERSON
I regret asking. Now, Mr. Dougal - I took the liberty of having Alvina to dig up your file.
LUKE DOUGAL
I have a file?
HR PERSON
You do.
LUKE DOUGAL
Is it an equaling file or a flat warding file?
HR PERSON
Sorry?
LUKE DOUGAL
It's for getting me out, right, in an emergency?
HR PERSON
It's a transcript.
LUKE DOUGAL
Oh.
HR PERSON
Of your interview.
LUKE DOUGAL
Right. That kind of file.
HR PERSON
The interviewer-person, he recruited you on the spot. No application process, no on-boarding process.
LUKE DOUGAL
I was head-hunted. Like we're about to be.
HR PERSON
Sorry?
LUKE DOUGAL
Duck!
(SWISHING OF ARROWS)
HR PERSON
Funnel-me-frick-in-a-frumptios-ngghhg!
LUKE DOUGAL
You have a funny way of swearing.
HR PERSON
Why were those office workers shooting arrows at us?
LUKE DOUGAL
They're hunters.
HR PERSON
Are they not supposed to be in costume?
LUKE DOUGAL
They're headhunters.
HR PERSON
Right. So, back to...
LUKE DOUGAL
Amelia and the gang? I think they're happy with me. I do good work. I'm very cheap. I work for groceries.
HR PERSON
Yes. Pay is absolutely something we should discuss. But first, I wanted to touch on the aspect of EQ.
LUKE DOUGAL
EQ?
HR PERSON
They skipped one part of the procedure when hiring you. Well, they skipped all parts of any procedure. But this is the one I tend to think is the most important.
LUKE DOUGAL
EQ?
HR PERSON
Yes. Conducting a proper assessment of your EQ.
LUKE DOUGAL
My bass and treble?
HR PERSON
Sorry...?
LUKE DOUGAL
Bass and treble. In a film score, you've got to pull apart your bass and your treble. Unsettling rumbles, terrifying shrieks. Right? I'm very good at that, the sound scores for my films were always -
HR PERSON
No, no, Emotional Quotient. Like IQ, but with feelings.
LUKE DOUGAL
Emotional Quotient... Interesting.
HR PERSON
The interviewer knew that you were set on revenge - that you were potentially pathologically vengeful - and yet they hired you.
LUKE DOUGAL
What can I say. I'm special.
HR PERSON
The thing is, emotional intelligence isn’t just another checkbox on your hiring criteria — it’s the foundation upon which everything else builds.
LUKE DOUGAL
Is that right.
HR PERSON
Forward-thinking organizations are already revolutionizing their hiring processes by designing scenario-based interviews that reveal how candidates handle real-world emotional challenges.
LUKE DOUGAL
Scenarios like... what, scenes in a film?
HR PERSON
Like a film! Yes! Like... pitching a scene - and choosing an ending!
LUKE DOUGAL
Oh! Sounds fun!
HR PERSON
Now, we don't have the option of implementing a collaborative project simulation to assess team dynamics and adaptability -
LUKE DOUGAL
Team work? I wouldn't score too high on that anyway.
HR PERSON
- and I don't have time to develop an employee specific comprehensive EQ assessment framework that goes beyond surface-level personality tests.
LUKE DOUGAL
Before the next near death experience on this ride? Nah, you don't.
HR PERSON
But, I thought I'd run a really quick, really basic simulation to assess your EQ levels. If that's OK by you?
LUKE DOUGAL
Sure. Shoot.
HR PERSON
Duck!
LUKE DOUGAL
What, is this part of it?
HR PERSON
No, duck!
Chainsaws whir overhead.
LUKE DOUGAL
Oh, the chainsaws. Don't worry, they'll only ruffle your hair. Redesign your hat. Maybe scalp you if you're really tall. You could do with a new haircut.
HR PERSON
What's with my - ? OK, scenario. Pay attention.
LUKE DOUGAL
I'm listening.
HR PERSON
You're driving down a road quite fast, but right in front of the car there's suddenly a puppy. You can't stop in time. You can only swerve out of the way to save the puppy, but if you do, you'll hit a gaggle of geese.
LUKE DOUGAL
Geese?
HR PERSON
A whole gaggle.
LUKE DOUGAL
Right.
HR PERSON
What do you do?
LUKE DOUGAL
Uhm. That's hard. What kind of car is it?
HR PERSON
(CONFUSED)
I - I don't know.
LUKE DOUGAL
How far is it between the geese and the puppy?
HR PERSON
Uhm - why does it matter?
LUKE DOUGAL
I was wondering, if I head for the geese, can I hit the puppy with the door?
BEAT.
HR PERSON
Can you - ?
LUKE DOUGAL
See, cause that depends how wide the car is, and how deep the door is and how far there is in between the animals. Forget that, I can hit the puppy with a gun. Do I have a gun? I could aim for the geese with the car, and get the puppy out the window, using the side mirror to aim!
HR PERSON
You said you can't leave here, is that right?
LUKE DOUGAL
Yeah.
HR PERSON
Might be for the best.
BEAT.
Now what's that sound?
LUKE DOUGAL
The piranha pit.
HR PERSON
Real piranhas?
LUKE DOUGAL
Do you know how high a piranha can jump?
HR PERSON
Am I about to find out?
LUKE DOUGAL
If they're hungry you are.
HR PERSON
No! No, no, no!
(THE HR PERSON YANKS A LEVER AND THE CART SCREECHES TO A HALT)
LUKE DOUGAL
Aw! What did you do that for? The red hand break?! Why did you pull that!
HR PERSON
I will not drive through a piranha pit with a - a - homicidal maniac next to me!
LUKE DOUGAL
I'm not homicidal! I've hardly killed anyone!
HR PERSON
And I don't like piranhas!
LUKE DOUGAL
Why? They're adorable!
HR PERSON
I once had a boyfriend that made me watch the whole series of Piranha films saying "they're not scary, they're parodies!"
LUKE DOUGAL
Joe Dante's films! They're not bad!
HR PERSON
I've had nightmares about piranhas ever since! Now let me out!
LUKE DOUGAL
Sure.
(LUKE UNLOCKS THE HANDRAIL, WHICH SLOWLY OPENS)
HR PERSON
Thank you.
LUKE DOUGAL
You sure you're getting out?
HR PERSON
You can be damn sure I am.
LUKE DOUGAL
Ooh, swearing now? Well, fine. Out you go. That's your choice.
(THE HR PERSON CLIMBS OUT OF THE CART)
LUKE DOUGAL
It's at your own risk.
HR PERSON
What's that supposed to mean?
LUKE DOUGAL
You're walking out of the ride?
HR PERSON
Yes I am.
LUKE DOUGAL
You might avoid the piranhas that way.
HR PERSON
That's the plan.
LUKE DOUGAL
Not the clowns, though.
BEAT.
HR PERSON
The what?
LUKE DOUGAL
The clowns. The killer clowns. They roam free.
HR PERSON
God almighty.
(IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN HEAR THE CLOWNS GIGGLE AS THEY APPROACH)
LUKE DOUGAL
Here they are. Right on cue. Someone pulls the red lever, they come spilling out the fire truck like cockroaches.
HR PERSON
Please. Please, Mr. Dougal. Can you get me out of here?
LUKE DOUGAL
You don't like clowns either, I take it?
HR PERSON
Not the killer type.
LUKE DOUGAL
Wimp.
(LUKE JUMPS OUT THE CART)
HR PERSON
You'll help me?
LUKE DOUGAL
Of course. I'm a gentleman. Also, I'm not stupid.
HR PERSON
What do you mean?
LUKE DOUGAL
This. It's a scenario. That's what you called it, isn't it? You're testing my EQ!
HR PERSON
No, no - ! This is not - !
LUKE DOUGAL
You're a damsel in distress. I'm a fetching gentleman ghost. And when I spirit you out of here, I've proven that I'm not such a bad guy after all.
HR PERSON
No, I... This isn't a test. I really don't want to face neither the -
(THE CLOWN GIGGLES ARE REALLY CLOSE NOW.)
HR PERSON
Oh god! You know all the secret ways out of here, right?
LUKE DOUGAL
We'll get out of here in secret alright - and yet, we've got to do it spectacularly!
HR PERSON
Spectacularly?
LUKE DOUGAL
There's no other way. I have a reputation to uphold. I hope you're not sensitive to smoke.
HR PERSON
To...?
(A LOUD POOF, AND LIKE A MAGICIAN AND HIS COMPANION, THEY DISAPPEAR IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE)
TO HELL IN A HANDCART - CLOWN 1 AND CLOWN 2
THE CLOWNS ARRIVE AT THE SCENE. THEY HAVE CREEPY, HOARSE VOICES.
CLOWN 1
Where the flippin' hell did they go, Bozo?
CLOWN 2
I don't know, Blinky... They just vanished.
CLOWN 1
Then who's going to pull my finger? The red pulsating one! Someone's gotta pull my finger!
CLOWN 2
I can do it, Blinky! I can do it!
CLOWN 1
Don't, Bozo. I don't wanna loose you.
CLOWN 2
You're too sweet. Oh, Blinky?
CLOWN 1
Yeah?
CLOWN 2
Have you had your performance review yet?
CLOWN 1
With Cody? Yeah, did it yesterday.
CLOWN 2
How did it go?
CLOWN 1
Couldn't get him to pull my finger. Other than that, pretty good.
CLOWN 2
Got mine today. I'm nervous.
CLOWN 1
Don't sweat it, Bozo. You're a good killer clown.
CLOWN 2
I just don't know if the nose cuts it.
CLOWN 1
Don't be ridiculous! The nose is your trademark! You're like the Rudolph of the Killer Clowns!
CLOWN 2
Ah, I sure hope you're right.
CLOWN 1
Now, what's your nose made of today, Bozo? Eh? What's it made of today?
CLOWN 2
You don't wanna know, Blinky. You don't wanna know...
END OF EPISODE.
PIP
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Jen Austen as the HR person
Michael Smulik as Luke Dougal
Torgny G. Aanderaa as the Roller Coaster Operator
And Blinky and Bozo as themselves
It was written, directed, and edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
This episode was recorded at redPStudios in Vienna, engineered by Arpad Hadnagy, and at Nima Studios in Oslo engineered by Lukas Fosheim Wienskol.
Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, whose death will occur after pulling Blinky’s finger. She will come back as a killer clown in Hell whose main gimmick is riding a killer whale with a killer smile.
Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com
We’re so glad we got to go back to Hell and revisit Luke Dougal, whom you first all the way back in Episode 8 of Season 1. While you wait for the next episode, why not go back and revisit that episode, and if you want to revisit old episodes ad-free, and with all the associated bonuses, consider becoming a patron and supporting our work at patreon.com/ameliapodcast. Or go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.
Thank you to everyone who’s already part of our patreon community, and here’s my best attempt at giving a shoutout to the recklessly generous individuals at the super patron tier. At the time of recording that’s
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Courtney Mays Rensen, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly, PostmasterGeneralKwanSentMe, Cheryl Downey-Eber, Nina Korzeniewski, Eli, Katherine Joiner, Selwyn Justice, jchooey, Andrew Lake, Ragnar Jensen.
We’ll be back soon on the regular feed, and even sooner on the Patreon feed, and until then, toodle-oo.