AMELIA’S APPRAISALS: EPISODE 6 – BLACK PUDDING
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Kendrick Jackson who died during an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to train random squirrels. Onlookers say he never saw the bus coming. He later resurfaced as a professional goat herder in the mountains of Kyrgyzstan.
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Now, on with the episode!
INTRO
Amelia’s Appraisals - created by Pip and Øystein, with music by Fredrik Baden and Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 6: Black Pudding
A GREASY SPOON - HR PERSON, KOZLOWSKI AND WAITRESS
(EARLY MORNING CHATTER AND DIN)
HR PERSON
Thank you for agreeing to meet outside your lab. I don't know if that type of space would have been conducive to this kind of conversation. Actually, to be honest, I don't know if I would have been comfortable. I'm a bit squeamish.
KOZLOWSKI
I noticed.
HR PERSON
You did?
KOZLOWSKI
When I dunked my black pudding in the coffee, you did a little jump. Your buttocks left the seat in what could only be described as a bouncy display of abject disgust.
HR PERSON
Oh. That. It wasn't disgust as much as - well, I think it could be described as... a culinary shock! I've never seen anyone dunk their black pudding before.
KOZLOWSKI
Not even in red wine?
HR PERSON
Not in anything.
KOZLOWSKI
You should try. It is a most peculiar taste. Very refreshing on the taste buds. Not refreshing like a lemon or ice cold water, of course. Rather refreshing like a Jan Svankmajer animation.
HR PERSON
I don't know what that means.
KOZLOWSKI
He uses intestines and slabs of meat -
HR PERSON
Please stop.
KOZLOWSKI
As you wish.
HR PERSON
My point was, thank you for agreeing to meet me here.
KOZLOWSKI
You would not have been allowed into my lab anyway.
HR PERSON
No?
KOZLOWSKI
No. No one is allowed in there unless they are scheduled for surgery.
HR PERSON
What kind of surgery do you perform?
KOZLOWSKI
I have undertaken most kinds of surgery. But mainly I change people's appearances.
HR PERSON
Plastic surgery.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not like plastics. I prefer biological material.
HR PERSON
Either way I'm glad I'm not on your schedule! I'm sure you're exceptionally good at what you do, but I don't want anyone to cut me open.
KOZLOWSKI
Good choice. Why change perfection?
HR PERSON
You're too kind!
KOZLOWSKI
No, it is a professional observation.
You have the perfect face for what you do.
HR PERSON
I do?
KOZLOWSKI
Absolutely.
HR PERSON
How come?
KOZLOWSKI
The bridge of your nose!
HR PERSON
What about it?
KOZLOWSKI
You look like you wish me no harm.
HR PERSON
The bridge of my nose tells you that I wish you no harm?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
HR PERSON
That makes no sense.
KOZLOWSKI
No? You do wish me harm?
HR PERSON
I certainly don't! But what has that got to do with my face? My facial expressions, sure, but not what I look like!
KOZLOWSKI
That is where you are mistaken. The width of your nasal dorsum is the key aspect that determines how kind you look.
HR PERSON
It is?
KOZLOWSKI
Have you not noticed how a wide nosebridge with close set eyes makes a person seem keen and curious, like the eyes seek a common focal point?
HR PERSON
I have not.
KOZLOWSKI
But a wide bridge and wide set eyes seek outwards, and give the impression of someone unfocused and dreamy. A narrow bridge with close set eyes seem piercing and pinpointed, but gives a rather harsh impression. Whilst a narrow bridge with wide set eyes give the impression of someone who wants to own everything. Unless of course that is offset by a rounded jaw.
HR PERSON
So... it's the eyes?
KOZLOWSKI
It is the face in its totality that matters, of course. But the importance of the nosebridge is often overlooked. People are concerned with the size of their nose, whilst in fact the bridge is the key factor.
HR PERSON
Why is it called the bridge?
KOZLOWSKI
It is the bridge, is it not?
HR PERSON
Between...?
KOZLOWSKI
The eyes.
HR PERSON
Of course.
KOZLOWSKI
The forehead and the face.
HR PERSON
Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Between the thought and its expression, between the emotion and its mask!
HR PERSON
Eh...? And my bridge is... wide? Narrow? I've never really thought about it.
KOZLOWSKI
Your bridge is very... medium.
HR PERSON
Medium?
KOZLOWSKI
Medium.
HR PERSON
Well that's...
KOZLOWSKI
...disappointing?
HR PERSON
I don't know. Should I be disappointed?
KOZLOWSKI
Certainly not! If I had created your face, and my goal was suitability for your current profession, I would have made exactly the same choice! It is exquisite craftsmanship.
HR PERSON
I haven't had plastic - eh, facial surgery.
KOZLOWSKI
I know.
HR PERSON
So you're... what, complimenting God?
KOZLOWSKI
God. Nature. Your parents. The coincidence that made their DNA blend just so. However, you want to think about it.
(THE HR PERSON FIDDLES WITH HER PAPERS, PERHAPS TO HAVE SOMETHING TANGIBLE TO HOLD ON TO)
HR PERSON
Dr. Kozlowski, do you mind answering some questions?
KOZLOWSKI
Not at all.
HR PERSON
You were one of the founders of this company?
KOZLOWSKI
I was. In fact, I pride myself with having invented this very industry.
HR PERSON
Which we should not name in a public place.
KOZLOWSKI
Correct.
HR PERSON
And now you're an employee.
KOZLOWSKI
I suppose you can look at it that way.
HR PERSON
How do you feel about that? Not being in charge anymore?
KOZLOWSKI
(AN OFFENDED SOUND, THEN A DEEP BREATH)
When I take a modest housewife from Shropshire and transform her into a femme fatale with a movie career and an international spy mission simply by removing a set of ill-placed dimples -
When I take a hard boiled veterinary murderer with multiple stints in prison and reinvent him as a retired rumba dancer with a penchant for limericks, through altering nothing but the hairline at the back of his neck -
When I take an emotionally and facially scarred comodo dragon-wrangler who has lost her job to a younger, more virile wildlife maniac and give her the comforting appearance of a self-assured children's party entertainer by simply changing the color of her eyes -
- am I not in charge?!
(THE HR PERSON MAKES A NOTE IN HER PAPERS)
HR PERSON
Sorry, I just need to write something down.
(TO HERSELF)
Delusions - of - grandeur... How do you spell grandeur?
KOZLOWSKI
With a capital G...
HR PERSON (PUTS DOWN HER PEN)
Sorry, I just had a thought. Nothing to do with you. Now - what I wanted to get at was, do you feel overlooked?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
HR PERSON
Your skills are used to their full potential, and you get to do something you care about.
KOZLOWSKI
Well put.
HR PERSON
Excellent. What is your overall view of how well the company is doing?
KOZLOWSKI
We are the best in the business.
HR PERSON
Are you not the only ones in the business?
KOZLOWSKI
Unfortunately not.
HR PERSON
You have competitors?
KOZLOWSKI
All over the planet. It is a thriving industry.
HR PERSON
Oh, yes, Amelia mentioned the Union... and your Interviewer colleague said one percent of deaths are fake. Well, consider that! Who would have thought! And you don't fear the competition?
KOZLOWSKI
Why should I?
HR PERSON
I don't know. I don't know your line of work. I've only been terrified - I mean introduced - to this concept this very week. But in most companies that I visit, across most industries, employees fear the inevitable changes that are brought on by our modern day and age. Digitisation, machines doing what humans used to do. Many employees fear for their jobs.
KOZLOWSKI
No machine can do what I do.
HR PERSON
But if you look at the company as a whole?
(LOWERS HER VOICE)
Faking passports, erasing an online presence, backdating online articles, editing photographs - a lot of what you do -
KOZLOWSKI
- Lorraine programs for us.
HR PERSON
Sorry?
KOZLOWSKI
Lorraine programs for us. She is incredible with a computer. A modern day magician.
HR PERSON
Who is Lorraine? Is this another employee? She's not on my list.
(THE HR PERSON RUFFLES THROUGH HER PAPERS)
KOZLOWSKI
She is... an external resource.
HR PERSON
A freelancer?
KOZLOWSKI
A family member.
HR PERSON
If she's key to the operation, it might be good if I -
KOZLOWSKI
She's just a student.
HR PERSON
What, an intern? How do you intern with a - an illegal...?!
KOZLOWSKI
It does not matter. The only reason I brought her up was to point out that we already use computers in our work. But the computers cannot complete the fundamental mission of the company.
HR PERSON
Which is to change a person into a new person.
KOZLOWSKI
(OVERLAPPING) To collect stories.
HR PERSON
Stories?
KOZLOWSKI
Let me ask you: Why do you do what you do? Not on a banal level: "I need to do my job to earn a living." No. On a fundamental level, a personal, philosophical level: Why did you turn to HR?
And once you have answered that, please, will you also reflect on your own question: Could a computer not do what you do? And if not, why not?
HR PERSON
Alright, I will accept the challenge. I work in HR because... No. I work in a company that offers external HR services because I believe that by coming from the outside of a company, we can see the individual -
KOZLOWSKI
(INTERRUPTING) May I stop you there? You are giving me the company ethos. But why are you where you are, doing what you do?
HR PERSON
Because... Well, because...
KOZLOWSKI
Do you like your job?
HR PERSON
I do.
KOZLOWSKI
Why?
HR PERSON
Because I like to hear... stories. Whenever I go into a new company, I get to hear new stories. And... if a machine did my job, I wouldn't get to hear those stories.
KOZLOWSKI
It seems like we have something in common!
HR PERSON
Stories.
KOZLOWSKI
And that we get to...
HR PERSON
...decide the ending?
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES)
HR PERSON
My gosh. I never saw it that way before. But of course... that's it.
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps you and I are fundamentally in the same business. If I had been better at negotiating with senior management, perhaps I would have started the world's first HR agency instead of the world's first...
(WHISPERS)
...death faking agency.
HR PERSON
And if I was not so good at smooth talking and not so squeamish, perhaps I would have - !
KOZLOWSKI
I doubt it.
HR PERSON
So do I. How interesting that even though your business is - well, illegal - we still seem to share some fundamental views!
KOZLOWSKI
How fascinating indeed!
HR PERSON
I can see how you put the individual first, how you care about integrity. That is a great starting point for this conversation. Since you and I see eye to eye on these core aspects, I think we can also discuss openly the benefits and challenges of your workplace.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Exactly! Very well put. Individual integrity!
HR PERSON
Respect for each human being.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! These "aspects" are very present in my work!
HR PERSON
How so? Tell me more!
KOZLOWSKI
For example, whenever I am about to start working on a corpse, I always ask it first: Dear dead friend! Is it alright if I cut you open? May I remove your spleen or your kneecaps? Do you mind being spliced together with some lovely parts from that other corpse over there? May I store you in humid conditions for four months to foster an exceptionally exquisite rotting process?
HR PERSON
Mhm...
KOZLOWSKI
In fact, I try to ask every body part the same question. I have a holistic view, you see, pars pro toto! Each cell in the body is a living organism. Therefore I ask each eyeball, each colon, each nostril: May I use you for my artistic creation?!
(THE HR PERSON IS FEELING INCREASINGLY SICK)
HR PERSON
Eh. Yes. Of course...
KOZLOWSKI
When I mix together blood and viscera and mucus for one of my classic murder scene displays, I always ask the bodily fluids: Do you mind if I churn you in this cement mixer? Or if I spray you across this Olympic size swimming pool with an industrial power hose!? And they say "YES KOZLOWSKI! SPRAY US! SPRAY US ALL OVER THE ROOM!"
WAITRESS
More coffee?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes please!
HR PERSON
(MEEKLY)
No, thank you...
KOZLOWSKI
But then you could dunk some black pudding? It is better when the coffee is fresh!
(THE HR AGENT SWALLOWS SOMETHING HEADING THE WRONG WAY. THE WAITRESS POURS COFFEE)
WAITRESS
Were you talking about being a butcher again?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) I love my job!
WAITRESS
You mustn't bother this nice lady with it! You can be too enthusiastic you know.
KOZLOWSKI
But you do not mind?
WAITRESS
Me? No, I don't. My dad was a butcher. Hearing you talk only makes me homesick!
(KOZLOWSKI CHUCKLES)
Makes me remember the smell!
HR PERSON
(RETCHING)
I'm sorry!
(THE HR PERSON JUMPS UP FROM THE TABLE, DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR A LOO WHERE SHE CAN THROW UP.)
HR PERSON
The restroom?! Where's the restroom?!
KOZLOWSKI
She means the lavatory.
WAITRESS
It's over there!
(THE HR PERSON RUNS)
KOZLOWSKI
(CALLING AFTER HER) We can continue when you are done!
HR PERSON
We're good! We're good!
(SHE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND HER. WE HEAR THE FAINT SOUND OF HER THROWING UP)
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Poor woman.
WAITRESS
You mustn't bother people with your passion. My mum always said that. She was a dominatrix. But I didn't know that until I moved away from home.
KOZLOWSKI
I should not bother people with my passion. I know, I know.
WAITRESS
More pudding?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh yes please!
END OF EPISODE.
PIP
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski
Jen Austen as the HR person
And Hannah Hebblethwaite as the waitress
It was written, directed and edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, who will choke to death on a black pudding dipped in red wine. She will start a new life as a certified sommelier in the Somme.
Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. To find out more about their work, go to hragent.com
Thanks also to all our patrons who support our work and allow us to keep telling stories. Our entry level patreon tier, that gives you early, ad free access to new episodes and all our bonus audio, videos and livestreams, has been set at 5 dollars for the past nine years. It is due to go up on the 6th September, but if you’re already a patron you’ll see no change, and if you want to become a patron before then, you can still join at the legacy pricing. Go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast or visit our website at ameliapodcast.com for more info.
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